It’s another Monday morning and the inspectors are gone, the weekend duty is over and all is well with the world! Although, as I’m writing this, I’m still in the midst of all of the above, so pardon me if the screaming in my head is bothering you guys and just a bit loud. And if it’s not bothering you guys, it sure as heck is bothering me! My goodness, is it ever LOUD!
Anyway, hopefully, by the time you guys are reading this it will all be over and it will be over for the best and I’ll be a happy camper. Otherwise, I’ll be crying.
Are you sure the screaming in my head isn’t bothering you?
Anyway, I’m going to start laughing now, you guys want to join me? I gotta do something to drown out these guys. So, let’s go.
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, “What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?”
“The hen lays eggs.” replied the little girl. “Very good!” said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, “What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?”
“Well,” replied the little girl. “Turkeys can’t swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.”
“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, “Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?”
“Yes, I do” replied little Johnny from the city. “Bulls smile when you milk them.”
This next one is an oldie, but always cracks me up.
Ordering a Pizza
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Chemistwhorehouse, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
Welcome to the future
Old people quotes…
- “To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” – Oscar Wilde
- “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.” – C.S. Lewis
- “Old age comes at a bad time.” – San Banducci “
- “Inside very older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” – Jennifer Yane
- “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir
- “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” – Bill Dane
- “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain
- “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson.
- “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”- Phyllis Diller
- “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner
- “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do” – Phyllis Diller
- “Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns
- “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” – John Wagner
- “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg
- “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins
- “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
- “Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.” – Ogden Nash
- “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown
- “At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns
- “I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.” – Unknown
- “Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty.” – Alexander Hamilton
- “The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot
- “At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.” – George Orwell
- “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers
- “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” – George Burns
- “I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” – Robert Brault
- “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” – Unknown
- “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
- “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney
- “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzon
- “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
- “You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” – John Mendoza
- “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”- George Carlin
- “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
- “I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”- Barry Cryer
- “All men are the same age.” – Dorothy Parker
- “I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.” – Anonymous
- “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
- “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
- “Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.” – Conan O’Brien
- “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” – Albert Einstein
- “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie
- “You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” – Hy Gardner
- “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain
- “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” – Joel Plaskett
- “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg
- “I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.” —Josh Billings
- “At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.” – Unknown
- “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns
- “The idea is to die young as late as possible.” – Ashley Montagu
- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
- “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” – George Burns
- “Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous
Dragon jousting or our equivalent of backyard cornhole.
This one was sent in by Joe in NJ and I like it A LOT!!!
This was sent to me by a good friend
Are you a duck or and eagle
I was waiting in line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing I noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for me.
He handed me a laminated card and said: ‘I’m Wasu, your driver. While I’m loading your bags in the trunk I’d like you to read my mission statement.’
Taken aback, I read the card. It said: Wasu’s Mission Statement:
To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest, and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.
This blew me away. Especially when I noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!
As he slid behind the wheel, Wasu said, ‘Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.’
I said jokingly, ‘No, I’d prefer a soft drink.’
Wasu smiled and said, ‘No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, lassi, water, and orange juice.’
Almost stuttering, I said, ‘I’ll take a lassi since I’ve never had one before.’
Handing me my drink, Wasu said, ‘If you’d like something to read, I have Good Housekeeping magazine, Reader’s Digest, The Bible, and a Travel + Leisure magazine.’
As they were pulling away, Wasu handed me another laminated card, ‘These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you’d like to listen to the radio.’
And as if that weren’t enough, Wasu told me that he had the heater on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for me.
Then he advised me of the best route to my destination for that time of day. He also let me know that he’d be happy to chat and tell me about some of the sights or, if I preferred, to leave me with my own thoughts.
‘Tell me, Wasu,’ I was amazed and asked him, ‘have you always served customers like this?’
Wasu smiled into the rear view mirror. ‘No, not always. In fact, it’s only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard about power of choice one day.’
‘Power of choice is that you can be a duck or an eagle.’
‘If you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you’ll rarely disappoint yourself. Stop complaining!’
‘Don’t be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.’
‘That hit me right,’ said Wasu. He continued and said, ‘It is about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.’
‘I take it that has paid off for you,’ I said.
‘It sure has,’ Wasu replied. ‘My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I’ll probably quadruple it. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on it.’
Wasu made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start soaring like eagles.
Have an eagle life ahead…..
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you’re probably the executioner.
– Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Team captain of our volleyball team warming up.
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.
After a while, they came upon a small cabin.
Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.”
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.”
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”
This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”
The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”
To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”
Two mothers were talking about their sons.
The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”
The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”
“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”
I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”
Not sure if it’s true but could be:
As part of its new disaster recovery plan, this Australian company takes out a lease on a secondary site about an hour outside of town from its headquarters, says an IT consultant hired to advise the company.
“The place was perfect,” the consultant says. “It was an old warehouse that had been converted into offices and a call center. It had everything, and the owner was happy to sign a long lease, as the property had sat vacant since the dot-com collapse.”
Six months later, the company is ready for a trial run of its disaster plan and invites the consultant back to watch the drill.
“Everyone turns up at work and is told that due to ‘biowarfare,’ the office is unusable for the foreseeable future,” he says. “Everyone grabs what they can, then climbs onto a bus and heads off to the country.”
An hour and a half later, the bus pulls up at a lovely piece of land, vacant except for some construction machinery.
“Where’s our secondary site?” the company CEO chokes out.
“The site was sold two months ago,” workers tell him. “We’re just finishing the leveling.”
“What about the furniture and equipment inside the old building?” asks the CEO.
“It was all just bulldozed into the landfill at the back of the lot,” the crew’s foreman says.
After another long bus ride and several days of witch-hunting, the truth comes out.
“A junior accountant had been given the job of looking for wasted expenditure and had come across the lease on the secondary site,” says the consultant.
Since the company had no business out that way and the site did not produce any income, he had deduced that it was a wasted expenditure and had the lease cancelled.
The owner of the site had then, in disgust, sold the property.
That accountant is still looking for gainful employment.
Not sure if it’s true or not, but it sure does sound like a government job.
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, “Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex.” The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, “Omigosh! Four people having sex!”
Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, “One man having sex.”
Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, “Two woman and one man having sex.”
The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, “Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex.”
To which the man replies, “Me? You’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures!”
Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely…
So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
- “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
- “She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
- “She will praise you!
- “She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
- “She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
Of course the rest is history!!!!
Always follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
I have the deepest respect for nurses. The have a very special place in my heart. Love them. I can honestly say that they have kept me alive several times. My mom was an RN. So, yeah.
Sadly, that’s the only political one I have for today. But, we’ll throw a few more regular ones in before we close this issue out.
Every night, my wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: “Dinner’s on the table — come and guess it!”
My wife is kind of an old-fashioned cook. In fact, to this very day, she still makes radio dinners.
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly licensed driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.
“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years!”
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, “By fur, Miss?”
The teacher replies, “Not quite right, Mary, but a good try.”
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, “Me, Miss!” “Me, Miss!”
The next student the teacher’s picks is Peter, and he answers “Is it attached by skin, Miss?”
The teacher replies… “Not quite right either, Peter… Anyone else want to try?”
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, “What do you think the tail is attached by?”
Johnny replied, “Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat… I’d say, it would have to be bolted on!”
This is a very long and very ridiculous story … and I laughed so hard I almost cried! Thanks Joe!
My penis made me locally famous. I didn’t find out about it until I got to University. Before then my experience of women was non- existent. I’d been at a boys’ school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn’t believe when, all of a sudden, at the Fresher’s Ball, I was snugging. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn’t have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my…. — She stopped.
“Oh my goodness!” she said, incredulous, “Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!”
Melanie (her name) wasn’t a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she’d bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She’d hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet.
“It does!” she exclaimed suddenly. “It bloody well DOES!!”
Two weeks into University I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as ‘incredible’, ‘amazing’, ‘Bournville’, ‘Swiss’ and ‘Belgian’ exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor rubbed off. It didn’t.
I went to the Doctor. She didn’t believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.
Okay, so I’ll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn’t know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. “What’s he got?”, they seemed to ask themselves.
But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.
When I say “everyone”, it’s not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn’t take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because I didn’t have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First and went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn’t been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. I’d seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point.
“Oral sex”, she had concluded, “is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won’t do it ever again. Ever. Thank you.”
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn’t interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field…
“No!” she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. “Not there!”
“Why not?”, I asked.
“I knew it”, she said firmly. “I won’t do it to you in return. I won’t. Not…”
“I know,” I assured her. “I *want* to do it to you. But I don’t want you to do it to me, ever.”
“You will”, she said, “You will! I knew this would happen…”
I didn’t listen to her. I knew. There was no way I’d let her even if she wanted to. Never.
I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs
wider and I —
I lifted my head up.
“Guinness!” I cried, “Guinness!!”
And that’s it for now. Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs! May your week be filled with Love and Happiness.