Dragon Laffs #2088


Well, I’m back.  Slightly less affluent than I was previous to this point in time, but back none-the-less.  All is well, or seems to be with the computer.  I had no idea how much I missed this baby, being without it for a few days, and getting caught up on emails, …

I shouldn’t say getting caught up. 

I may NEVER get caught up.

All I did was go through and delete the scrunge emails that I get every day.  The ads and the BS and the crap that everyone gets.  Right now in my regular accounts I have 1567 unread emails dating back to Aug 23rd.  I have kept up with the new email address and my very old business address that most of the bills and such come to, but the fun email, where all the GOOD stuff comes to? 

Yeah, 1,567 unread emails.

Sigh.

And with me keeping up with the other emails…this one is just going to get further and further behind.  So yeah …. ACK! (You oldsters remember Cathy, right?)

Or should I maybe go with a different ACK!

Or how about we just go with …

The Bible According to Children

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments..

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple..

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the MagnaCarta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Lawyers are adversarial and are trained to try to win at all costs.  That may work in litigation —– but does not work well when governing our nation in Congress.  Trying to win at any costs creates the polarization and hatred that now fills our country….Leaves no room for common sense or legitimate debate.

Every Democrat presidential nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate – Biden (no surprise) was at the bottom of his class).  Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school.  Barack Obama was a lawyer. Michelle Obama was a lawyer.  Hillary Clinton was a lawyer. Bill Clinton was a lawyer.  John Edwards is a lawyer. Elizabeth Edwards was a lawyer.  Look at leaders of the Democrat Party in Congress: Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer is a lawyer.  Former Senator Harry Reid was a lawyer.

The Republican Party is different.  President Trump is a businessman.  President Bush 1 and 2 were businessmen.  Vice President Cheney was a businessman.  President Eisenhower was a 5 star General. The leaders of the Republican Revolution: Newt Gingrich was a history professor.  Tom Delay was an exterminator.  Dick Armey was an economist.  Ex-House Minority Leader John Boehner was a plastics manufacturer.  The former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is a heart surgeon.  Who was the last Republican president who was a lawyer?  Gerald Ford, who left office 31 years ago and who barely won the Republican nomination as a sitting president, running against actor Ronald Reagan in 1976.  The Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work, who are often the targets of lawyers.  This is very interesting. I had never thought about it this way before.

The Democrat Party is made up of lawyers.  Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Trump, Bush, and Cheney, or who heal the sick like Frist, or who immerse themselves in history like Gingrich.  The Lawyers Party sees these sorts of people, who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of America.  And, so, in the eyes of the Lawyers Party, we have seen the procession of official enemies grow.  Against whom do Hillary and Obama rail?  Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, hospitals, manufacturers, fast food restaurant chains, large retail businesses, bankers, and anyone producing anything of value in our nation.

This is the natural consequence of viewing everything through the eyes of lawyers. Lawyers solve problems by successfully representing their clients, which, in this case, should be the American people. Lawyers seek to have new laws passed, they seek to win lawsuits, they press appellate courts to overturn precedent, and lawyers always parse language to favor their side. Confined to the narrow practice of law, that is fine. But it is an awful way to govern a great nation.

When politicians, as lawyers, begin to view some Americans as clients and other Americans as opposing parties, then the role of the legal system in our life becomes all-consuming.  Some Americans become adverse parties of our very government. We are not all litigants in some vast social class-action suit.  We are citizens of a republic that promises us a great deal of freedom from laws, courts, and from lawyers.

Today, we are drowning in laws; we are contorted by judicial decisions; we are driven to distraction by omnipresent lawyers in all parts of our once private lives.  America has a place for laws and lawyers, but that place is modest and reasonable, not vast and unchecked.  When the most important decision for our next president is whom he will appoint to the Supreme Court, the role of lawyers and the law in America is too big.  When House Democrats sue America in order to hamstring our efforts to learn what our enemies are planning to do to us, then the role of litigation in America has become crushing.

Perhaps Americans will understand that change cannot be brought to our nation by those lawyers who already largely dictate American society and business. Perhaps Americans will see that hope does not come from the mouths of lawyers but from personal dreams nourished by hard work. Perhaps Americans will embrace the truth that more lawyers with more power will only make our problems worse.

The United States has 5% of the world’s population and 66% of the world’s lawyers!  Tort (Legal) reform legislation has been introduced in congress several times in the last several years to limit punitive damages in ridiculous lawsuits such as spilling hot coffee on yourself and suing the establishment that sold it to you and also to limit punitive damages in huge medical malpractice lawsuits.  This legislation has continually been blocked from even being voted on by the Democrat Party.  When you see that 97% of the political contributions from the American Trial Lawyers Association go to the Democrat Party, then you realize who is responsible for our medical and product costs being so high.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER FORWARDING THIS ONE…

From Friggin’ Pete:

I don’t much care for Halloween but, I really like Haunted Houses, oh not because they are spooky or scary or anything like that. I suppose some people get a thrill being scared and surprised and all of that but, not me. No, I like them because about 30 years ago, my wife volunteered at the Haunted House the local charity was putting on. Witches, ghosts, goblins, spooks all the blood and gore, she was really getting into it that night. Well, after it was all over, it was time for clean-up. Someone handed her a broom and……..I ain’t seen her since….

Controlling the sands of time…

From time to time my wife puts on her wedding dress.
Not because she’s sentimental.
She really gets that far behind with the laundry.

The semi-auto Winchester Model 1907.  .351 caliber.  If you have one, hang on to it as it is worth a lot of money!

A hundred and fourteen years ago, in 1907…our great grandparents were first able to buy the rifle pictured. The semi-auto Winchester Model 1907.

This is a gun they could buy from a Sears catalogue and have delivered via US Post. It was/ is a semi-automatic, high powered centerfire rifle, with detachable, high capacity magazine.
About 400,000 semi-automatic rifles were produced before WW2. Civilians had hundreds of thousands of these for 40 years, while US soldiers were still being issued old fashioned bolt action rifles.
The 1907 fired just as fast as an AR15 or AK47 and the bullet (.351 Winchester) was actually larger than those fired by the more modern looking weapons..
The ONLY functional difference between the 1907 and a controversial and much feared AR15 is the modern black plastic stock.
The semi auto, so-called “assault rifle” is 115 years old. It isn’t new in any way.
The semi auto rifle was not a weapon of war. The government MADE IT a weapon of war 40 years after civilians had them.
The semi-auto can be safely owned by civilians. The proof is that literally 3 generations of adults owned and used them responsibly and no one ever even noticed.
Want to fix the horror of mass shootings?

 Fix the things that have changed for the worse in the last 50 years. 

~Family Values,

~Prayer removed from Schools,

~Ten Commandments removed from courthouse,

~Spanking Kids who mis-behave in Schools, 

~Morals, 

~What is socially acceptable,

~Confusion of Genders, 

~Left Wing Liberalism, Socialism, etc.

Because the rifle technology in question was here long before this insanity. 

GOD SAVE THE USA.

I did this several times and it drove me NUTS!!!

All I’m saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert he could have given that horse a name.

Beautiful…

Music is like candy, you throw the rappers away.

Did you know…
Taller people sleep longer in bed.

The kids keep laughing about my memory.  They won’t be laughing at Christmas when there’s no eggs under the tree!

For an honest look inside the Russian Army, here’s a look at a Russian Soldier’s Journal

An excellent read.  Written by a Russian soldier who disserted the Army.  Fighting in Ukraine.  Shows the real state of the Russian military. https://www.stripes.com/theaters/europe/2022-08-21/russian-soldier-journal-ukraine-7059143.html?utm_source=Stars+and+Stripes+Emails&utm_campaign=Daily+Headlines&utm_medium=email&utm_source=Stars+and+Stripes+Emails&utm_campaign=f35ea7046e-Newsletter+-+Daily+Headlines&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_0ab8697a7f-f35ea7046e-296647580

How God turned a rib into a loud speaker is still a mystery.

When I see ads on TV with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy is the medication they must be on.

Studies now show that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a grocery store shipping cart!

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, “HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, “NO,… I NEVER DID DANCE… NEVER REALLY WANTED TO.
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID “WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU’RE GONNA DANCE NOW,” AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN’S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR — NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF –STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN’S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, “SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE’S ASS?”

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, “NO M’AM… BUT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
 
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
 
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 – Don’t mess with old people; they didn’t get old by being stupid.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
– Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. “Finders keepers!” his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home. One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” “No.” She said.
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man said: “Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here 

The famous American statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn’s aunts.

And that’s it.  I’m back.  The world is back on it’s axis the way it’s supposed to be.  All is well with everything.  The sun and moon and stars are all hung in the correct spots.  May you all have Love and Happiness until we meet again.

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #2088

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    Although it sounds like me….I have never been married to anyone named Lot.

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