Going to be a small edition today so that I can get to work on the Memorial Day Special for Monday. I was going to go straight to the Memorial Day one but I have so much on my mind that I just had to have an outlet to get rid of some of it.
But at least we’re moving in the right direction. So, we’ll see. More to come.
So, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?
Catwoman is looking a little virile.
I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today.
I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
You young people still don’t have a clue, do you?
I like that part in that Cardi B song where it’s over and she shuts the fuck up.
In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower cost. The product failed, because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger.
This is why I don’t argue online.
And why I feel there is very little hope for our future.
Snoop Dogg is the only one that can have the hairstyle of a 5 year-old girl and still look cool.
“I look so pretty … oh, so pretty … I am so pretty, so pretty …”
How about one of these …
Wow. If my calculations of the vintage of the dragonette are correct, we have been together 13 years. Most marriages,sadly, don’t last this long.
Here’s to hoping we are able to spend another 13 years together.
Amen, dear friend. And love you right back.
Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine. Don’t forget they make Viagra. If they can raise the dead .. they can save the living.
Mother Nature always wears the latest fashions.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Actual humans: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
And you thought those kinds of pictures were just for guys.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.
Sorry brother … there’s nothing any of us can do.
Because 50 years ago, you didn’t have to first explain what a wrench was.
The only reason I wanted to be an adult was to have sex and curse. All this paying bills and waking up to go to work wasn’t the plan.
Kansas produces enough wheat each year to feed everyone in the world for about two weeks.
This is probably from the same guy who got curious about what the Taser would feel like …
The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs have been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don’t like it.
This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that’s where my evening should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I’m standing by my back door “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” checklist one more time.
Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I’m not quite sure why I had this next thought, but I did…I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the damn collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I’m now on my hands and knees in my backyard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking.
So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally got the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air.
In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, “I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn’t make it.”
So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went into the shower so I wouldn’t smell like ode de’ Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure of that:
1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!
This is what Wiltshire, England looks like.
Been there and yes, it’s that cool.
$29.95 for a club sandwich and fries! Are you kidding me? I asked the waitress, she said it’s usually $6.95, but the cost of lumber is so high it’s the four tooth picks that drove up the price!
And that’s it for today my friends. Love and happiness to you all.