Good Morning Campers,
Happy EASTER! What a great holiday that has Jelly Beans! Come on! Who doesn’t love Jelly Beans? One of the few things that are called God’s food. What’s God’s food, you ask? It’s the only food that you will be able to find in Heaven. Pizza, lasagna, soft pretzels, jelly beans, Jameson fine Irish Whiskey, a couple of other things. Bitburger Pils (a really great German Beer). Mrs. Dragon’s Sausage Gravy and Biscuits and her Irish Soda Bread. The rest of the list eludes me at the moment because I’m drooling over the thought of jelly beans.
Okay, so I’ll have to move on to another topic. My drool is getting into the keyboard and the keys are starting to stick.
And before I start getting all the hate mail, yes I know that Easter is the celebration of the death of Christ for our sins and his subsequent resurrection from the grave and hence we celebrate the rebirth of spring and the new life that surrounds us at this time of year and how rabbits lay multicolored eggs for kids to find.
So with that Cadbury rabbit clucking in your head, let’s move on and
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident.
Me: Say no more.
Detective: Looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet.
WARNING!!! Lynn has sent us a dozen groaners in a row!!
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk.
Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by.
I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’.
It’s a cover band.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Carbon County, Pennsylvania, where a group of bozos were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of Bozo Irving Michaels’ home. The men were firing at a raccoon that had the misfortune to be walking by. But the beer apparently impaired their aim and despite the estimated 35 shots fired at the poor creature, he escaped into a 3 foot drainage pipe a few feet away. Determined to terminate the animal, our bozo retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the raccoon out. Bozo threw a match in. Nothing. So he poured some more gas down the pipe, threw in another match and still no flames. Finally the bozo poured the whole 5 gallon can of gasoline down the drainage pipe, then proceeded to slide feet first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled our bozo back the way he had come, flying out of the pipe not unlike someone shot out of a cannon at the circus. The bozo landed with a thud in his front yard, miraculously suffering only minor injuries. No word on the whereabouts of the raccoon.
Your diet is not only what you eat.
It is what you watch, what you listen to, what you read, and the people you hang around. Pay attention to what you feed your soul, not just your stomach.
I’m not a “why me” kind of person.
I’m a “oh hell, here we go again” kind of person.
I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure the kids took it.
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman rolling paint onto the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy jackets, even though it was a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the jackets on such a hot day. The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
This one is from our fellow camper Lynn … and it’s called:
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery
– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
– Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.
– Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
– Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
– Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
– Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie.
– Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
– Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
– Darn, there go the lights again…
– You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them.
– Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
– Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
– What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
– Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
– This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
– Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
– Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.
– What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
– She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
– FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
Should we be concerned that April 3rd could be the final countdown? 4.3.21
Oh shit! That’s today!!!!
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3 am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby.
And that’s it … not my normal post, but it’s Easter. Hopefully I’ll get my self together for another issue soon.
Love and Happiness to you all.