Goooooood Mooooorning Caaaampers!!!!

With apologies to Robin Williams.  It is Saturday if this gets posted on the day it’s supposed to be posted, otherwise, I don’t know what fucking day it is!

Yes, it has been a loooooong week.

Boy, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!

More poetry from Stephanie … although I’m pretty sure she copied this one.

Glad I’m a Man

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to – north,south,east, or west.

I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack

I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

Damn girl!  I’m just going to forward all the hate mail to you.

Okay, more and more poetry from Stephanie.  The other team heard from…

Glad I’m a Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down.
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch.
And yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see – I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow in my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know – I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

And I’ll send you the hate mail for that one, too.

I understand that California has voted to pay reparations to descendants of former slaves.  And that people are leaving the state in droves to avoid this.  I’m not 100% sure of the validity of this or not.  Okay, so what I just read said that the law “could” pay black Californians.  Okay, so not even going into WHERE this money is going to come from (tax dollars) and such, I do have a question for you … How much should the descendants of 360,000 Union soldiers who died to free slaves, be paid by descendants of slave they freed?  Oh … and one other question … when is enough stupidity enough?

Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.  You match with people who are on the same meds as you.

“Relationscript”

Nice things to whisper when you hug someone

– you smell different when you’re awake

– please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)

– soon

– you have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it

– your hair tastes like strawberries

– tonight … you

– he knows, don’t go home

– I always knew you would die in my arms

– no one will ever believe you

– yesssssssssssss

– I killed Mufasa

– I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear

– mother told me it would be like this

I don’t want to know “Why mobs are tearing down America’s monuments.”

I would rather know, “Why are we letting them?”

DEFUND THE NFL

Don’t watch.  Don’t go.

Don’t buy.  Don’t discuss.  It’s Not About Football Anymore.

I haven’t watched a single second of football this year.

Trying hard for Monday! 

When one door closes another one opens.

Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.

Is this true, brother?

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

First we overlook evil.
Then we permit evil.
Then we legalize evil.
Then we promote evil.
Then we celebrate evil.
Then we persecute those who still call it evil.

This next one has got to be the very BEST definition I have ever heard … and exactly what Mrs. Dragon and I have and what I wish for each and every one of you!

Boy, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!

Free Urine Test:

Go to a tree trunk and take a piss.  If it attracts a lot of ants, you have high glucose.  If it dries too fast, you have high sodium.  If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.  Forgot to open your pants to pee and you have Alzheimer’s.  Had trouble aiming at the tree, Parkinson’s.  If you pee on your feet, prostate.  Couldn’t smell the pee, definitely COVID.

I’ve never wrestled a rage filled alligator in the dark

BUT

I have given a small child liquid medicine in the middle of the night,

so … same thing.

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2×4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” Then the rancher leaves for town.

Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.

Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, “This is the one, right here.”

Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, “Tell me, young lady, ’cause I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple…by the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains with confidence.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?”

As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

(Once in a while, it’s nice to see a blonde win)

My super power is holding on to junk for years and then throwing it away a week before I need it.

Hey!  I have that power, too!

Not up to my usual standards I’m afraid, but that has to be it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon