Well, today is Wednesday, and I’ve managed to mangle my way through the whole week without a second’s time to work on today’s issue. Monday was full of stuff, Tuesday was full of meetings and the new dart season started. We won our match, by the way, if you were interested. 14 to 12. Came right down to the last two legs! Very exciting. The final match was Cricket doubles and my partner and I took it 2-0 in the best of three. We didn’t get home till after eleven and to bed till after midnight and I was back at work at 0600 hrs. !
Half day work for me today because Mrs. Dragon had her first of two cataract surgeries. Just got home, ordered a pizza, got her settled, had to pick on her like she picked on me when I had mine, it is only fair, after all, and started working on this.
So, with the explanations out of the way … let’s get to the stuff that you guys were here for … the laughter!!
Okay, and now the warning are out of the way, too!
The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”
Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days, but in medieval times, people were named lance a lot.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending.
I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot.
Here be wisdom:
If you keep your circle small, the joint comes back faster.
And if you don’t see the depth in that, you haven’t read it enough.
Okay, that’s not enough emphasis… hang on a second… I’ll be right back…
Well … I guess I was 61…
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
Okay … so I didn’t make it Thursday morning. How do I know this? Cause it’s now Thursday morning and I’m still working on this issue. I literally passed out on my keyboard last night and Mrs. Dragon made me go to bed. I slept for ten hours (without getting up to pee!!!) And now I’ve gotten up and I’m going to attempt to finish this issue for you guys and maybe get it sent out a couple of hours late. So, let’s get back to it.
Becky is having lunch with Hannah.
Becky says, “My Morris is just impossible. Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Harold hard to please?”
Hannah shrugs and replies, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never tried.”
Has anyone else noticed that Trump Supporters have huge patriotic motorcycle and boat rallies, while Biden supporters are rioting and burning down cities?
There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years.
Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.
Any rate, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local Sa Franners doing comedy skits and the like.
Since the comedy was pretty bad, but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all of the food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy.
Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair.
I think we can conclude that the “time out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “ass beating” generation.
Are we the only country stupid enough to start a second civil war because we are offended by the first one?
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter’s driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, “How’s my driving?” and put a 0900 number on it.
At $1.50 a call, I’ve been making $100 a week!
They are never pictured as young men like that. They are always pictured as older and wiser.
“I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.”
“That’s strange,” the other guy replied, “Cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!”
More great information from Stephanie.
Intercourse Etiquette and Decency
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s pain damn it!
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy is not.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, …. and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
I can attest to this one. Honestly, get it done or go do it yourself. An hour is too long.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what’s necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off, to fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don’t.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end…. and it looks pretty silly when its summer.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen
Okay, so some of them were really funny, some of them were really obvious and some of them very condescending….so all-in-all about what I’d expect from my dear Stephanie.
I think we need to move the sign.
And that is enough to post … so I’ll just be a few hours late. Love and happiness to you all.