Dragon Laffs #1783


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Good Morning Campers,

Our illustrious governor has decided that everyone will wear a mask … this has caused me no end of trouble at work.  Why does my life have to be so damn difficult?  The base is not a business, it is not a public space, it is a base…but yet the civilians … well, I really shouldn’t say derogatory things in public.  One of these days it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass.   So … on to bigger and better things!

How’s everyone doing?  Good, I hope. 

Okay, enough of the small talk, let’s laugh.

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At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on …

I’ve seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap!

 

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I need that book RIGHT The FUCK now or I’m gonna be looking for work, real soon!

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Dammit, Karl!  Unload the hoses and THEN turn on the damn water!!

Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made.  If you want a different result, make a different choice.

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Little known fact:  This was Groot’s stand in.

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If liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the evening news would be a lot more fun.

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And “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”  … just ask them …

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I’m gonna go with a hard pass on this one.

John S. sent this to me … and I would love to think that these are words that we should live by … Thanks John!

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Truly beautiful!

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“As Fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.

And I really need to tone it down cause it’s gonna end up getting me fired. 

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Thanks to William M for sending the definition … for those of you who might have needed it … or who haven’t been able to figure it out contextually by now.

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As a dragon, there’s not many things I won’t eat … but I’m thinking the Lobster flavored Coke, probably is gonna go with the strawberry Jello Taco and I’m gonna pass on that, also.

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I’m sorry… I didn’t hear you over my internal hope that you would shut the fuck up.

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It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

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Having your nipples pierced is a good idea until you think about the fact that if you ever die and need to be shocked by a defibrillator, the chances of your nipples frying off are pretty high.  You’re welcome.

Any guesses as to who sent that one in?
Anyone?


Anyone?

That’s right!

Aussie Peter!!!!

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“The Governor said our next election will be an all-mail election,” the wife said.

“But, that would be illegal,” her husband replied.

“Why?”

“Because of the 19th Amendment.”

“What was the 19th Amendment?”

It granted females the right to vote, so actually you can’t have an all-male election ever again.”

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Remember that one girl from High School that said she’d only go out with you if the world was coming to an end?  Well, this may be the year to giver her a call.

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Okay, I missed this last issue, so I’m going to make sure that I get it this issue … thanks to those of you who have contributed this year to paying the bills.  The list is ever increasing and ever evolving and now includes some mail in people as well.  Those of you who wish to help out and keep this ezine free for another year can hit the donate button located near top of the right hand column and donate through PayPal … and you don’t have to have a PayPal account yourself to do so.  They will walk you through it.  It’s really easy and little bit helps.  Those of you who do not want to go that route can email me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will happily give you my snail mail address and you can send me a little something that way.  I’m not going to push this much further, I already feel like a freeloader as it is, but you guys seem to feel like what we do here is worth it … so …

Here now is our current list of truly marvelous, generous, outstanding, campers (not to say that the rest of you aren’t truly marvelous, generous, outstanding campers also … sigh … see what I mean …)

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.     Joe L.     LTC (Ret) Bob B.    
Lona T.

Thank you9


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And people actually want to vote for this idiot?

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I want you to know ahead of time that this next joke is completely and totally Stephanie’s fault.

One day, a man form the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.”

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo.  They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper.  He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man’s friend.  The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, “Ok, which gorilla did it?  Was it the male or the female?”  The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit.  Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

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We could not possibly be that lucky.

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That’s a really good question.

Okay, … I’m really sorry … this one is Stephanie’s fault too.  I have no explanation other than she’s cruel and mean …  but I love her anyway.

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn’t get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
“What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.
“Honest, chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link!”

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I’m not going to apologize for her any more …

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo.  He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy.  So he issued an order to place copies of the New York ‘Times’ immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops.  In this way the men could keep their feet dry.

His staff was mystified.  Why the “Times”?  Why not the New York “Daily News”?  Patton was adamant, and one did not argue with the General.

As five tons of old copies of the “Times” were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: “these ore the ‘times’ that dry men’s soles.”

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Look, if you think these are bad, you should see the ones that I’m NOT printing!

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Oh God!  Now, we’re doing it with pictures!

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Okay, let’s try changing things around a little bit …

motivational4

Pussy Whipped

pyramids

Quality Control

Quality

Quest

Question

Quiet Time

Racism

Rage Punch31 (2)

Random Encounter

random

random2

Ranger

Rare Sighting

Rare View

Rasta Dog

Reading on the Throne

Okay, that worked out well … we’re moving along the right way now …

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Disagree.  I’m on his side. 

2092

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park.  They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.  The area’s custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn’t weigh much, and was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked up and replied, “you mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?”

Yeah … I didn’t think it would last.

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A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it’d be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the “Lever Bee.” His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.
And that, friends, is why people say, “I’m as ready as a Lever Bee.”
 

ENOUGH!

Steph … honey … you gotta stop!!!!

No more!!!

We can’t take it anymore.  2095

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A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink.  “Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door.  “Can I have a drink, please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door.  “Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!”  The bartender screamed.  “I told you no drinks!”

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed, “Darn!  How many bard do you work at?”

Okay … that one wasn’t THAT bad …

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Ten thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska.  They hadn’t actually intended to do this.  They got lost and couldn’t get their Berings Strait.

Okay … that’s it…I gotta call it quits… and not just because of the really cheesy jokes.  (Just picking on you Stephanie, I really do love you.)  Love and happiness to all of you.  May Peace and Love keep you until we meet again.

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1783

  1. Stephanie says:

    Good thing I love you too.

  2. Sasquatch says:

    Michigan’s governor has you beat. Ms. science and reason just closed the bars again up north but is letting the casinos in Detroit open next week.

    We are told to be safe we shouldn’t hand people money, we should put it on the counter for a “contact free” payment. Ummm doesn’t that just add another point of contact? Every day the madness grows.

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