Dragon Laffs #1768


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Good Morning Campers,

I’m playing hooky … today is Tuesday, dart night and I’m taking the rest of the417 week off.  I think I deserve it.  Independence Day is Saturday, therefore Friday will be the official government paid holiday; Thursday will be liberal leave day (which only means that you don’t have to keep somebody in your office like you normally do, if the whole office wants to take a day of leave and have a four day weekend you can, but we always make sure we have someone there) so I was going to take Thursday off and make it a four-day weekend and well… to be perfectly frank, after the day I had today, answering asinine questions from asinine people, none of which actually even worked for the military but thought that I would have the answer because I DID work for the military, even though the questions they were asking me had nothing, NOTHING to do with either my JOB, my POSITION, my SPECIALTY, or my SUBJECT KNOWLEDGE EXPERTISE … I thought, Impish … you’ve done served your country truly well this day, you deserve a break.

And then … I swear on all that’s holy … I heard the old McDonald’s jingle playing in the background.  You know the one … “You deserve a break today, so get up and get away, to McDonalds …”

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(Oh, don’t start THAT shit again!!!!)

I … actually … heard … the … music …

I filled out the leave paperwork, submitted it to my boss, told the two guys that work for me that I would be back on Monday, that I was taking a long weekend, packed up my stuff and left the office.

I’m not sure, but I think I might be having a mental break down.

I keep hearing Barry Manilow’s voice telling me it’s okay and like a good neighbor, State Farm and I should spend time at the Copa Cabana.  He’s the one who originally sang the McDonald’s jingle and State Farm and KFC and Stridex and … and … and why is Friggin’ Barry Manilow stuck in my head.

I am Definitely Having A Mental Break Down.

So therefore, a break is in order …

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This is quite true and often a problem historically.  Hence, many a pissed off dragon has burned many a non-believing village with the ending result of giving the dragons a bad name. 

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Okay, I’m not really sure how much 300 mg of caffeine is, but is sure doesn’t sound like enough to me!

Can someone check this next fact for me?  I’m still feeling a little beaten down and am not in the best of places (Shut up Barry Manilow, I swear to all that’s holy … I’ll …) anyway … this one:

In 1964, on the floor of the U.S. Senate, Democrats held the longest filibuster in our nations history, 75 days.  All trying to prevent the passing of one thing. 

THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT.

Something about that doesn’t ring true …

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It’s analogy time boys and girls …

The wolf has somehow convinced the sheep that the sheepdog is the dangerous one and the he must be removed.  I pray for the sheep when the sheepdog is gone and the wolf has all the sheep to himself.

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Yeah, tough love … it’s usually for the best.

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How the fuck did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

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Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

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What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?

Light blue.

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What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

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Weirdness abounds … so, played darts last night… did really well, thank you very much, came home, watched a little TV even though it was late, cause you can’t just come home and go to bed, but after I went to bed, woke up early to use the bathroom because I’m an old man and promptly fell on my ass … again!  I’ve got that whole vertigo thingy going on again today!!!  Some of you may remember when that happened to me … what? … last year some time where I went to Immediate Care, then the Emergency Room and they ran all kinds of tests on me and decided the rocks in my head were askew. 

So, today, I’m of the opinion that it is the whole karma thing catching up with me.  I took the day off to play hooky, so the world is making sure that I can’t do anything but sit here.  The bad news is that I have vertigo, the good news is that I really can’t go to work today.

Like being drunk without drinking anything and being totally cognizant of everything that is going on, but moving your head and having the swoops.

I’m pretty much convinced I’m having a breakdown.

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A two-year-old is like having a blender, But you don’t have a top for it.

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Let’s do some comments from the website, shall we?

Mail Call 1

Bill

Leah omitted one “Master/Slave” relationship. I am thinking of hard drives on a computer. OR, is “Hard Drive” sexist? I’m confused.
Thanks for all the great entertainment. Keep up the good work.
Bill G.

Bill, I was going to answer this, but  …

Leah D.

In reply to Bill.

Bill, “Hard Drive”, isn’t sexist, it’s SEXY!

Um … most of the IT folks I know wouldn’t … you know what … never mind.

Bob

I guess there will be no more Master Sgt’s or Master Chiefs in the military.

Bob, I’d say that I couldn’t see that happening, but it seems like I read something not too long ago about the Navy changing the names of all job titles and removing the word “man” so no more seaman, yeoman, ordnanceman, radioman, etc.  So, is it that far of a stretch to say that there won’t be any masters either.  It’s stupidity on a stick.

So, we’re here, let’s finish off the mail.

Ted K

Absolutely the best site bar-none. Appreciate it very much!

Thank you very, very much Ted and thank you very much for the donation!  Much appreciated.  Words of appreciation are the impetus I need to keep me doing this admittedly arduous task.  (them sure are purdy words … ) Nah!  I do it because I LOVE IT!  Thanks so much!

joecaller

Sir Impish,

I start smiling as soon as I see a new issue appear in my inbox. Don’t even have to open it to cheer me up. I know it will be a great issue and have me chuckling the rest of the day. You deserve time off but we all miss you!

…Joe in NJ

Ah, Joe … a fellow Jerseyite, were it really time off?  It is time off from this which I love to work, which … okay, which I also love, but I am beginning to dislike because of ignorant people doing stupid things in our country.  If I take time off from my job, which pays the bills, by the way, to work on this which I love … I need to be independently wealthy so I can do whatever I want to do and can sit here and entertain you guys all day long … ahhhh … wouldn’t THAT be the life!  Maybe I could hit the lottery… or have a rich uncle dragon leave me … nah … first of all, I’d have to PLAY the lottery, which I don’t (at least, not since Lethal passed) and second, rich dragons don’t leave anything to anyone.  They get slain by groups of adventurers and their hoard of gold gets plundered, so … sigh.  I guess we’re stuck with the scheme that we have.  But thanks Joe.  I truly and deeply appreciate your very kind words.  It’s why I do what I do.

So now … let’s do some of this …

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Nuclear Weapons

Nukes

Nuns

I’m so going to hell

Nut shots

objectivism

Obligations

Oblivious

Yes, that one is an Impish Dragon Original

obstacales

Obviously they

And that was a terrible pun

Ocean View

Octopus

odds

Office Politics

Oh Look

Oh my God

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One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually.

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Scientist have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I have never been caught in a traffic Jelly.

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What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe!        (say it out loud….)

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So, for this one you youngsters are going to have to Google the Walrus, Eggman, and the Beatles… and I already gave you too much information.

Let’s see … thinking back on it, I guess I became Anti-Islamic when I saw them chopping off Christian’s heads and burning them alive and chanting death to America.  Yeah, that was probably it.

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Did You Know: (This is late in the day) (Hey, I just work Here) That Democrats voted to penalize citizens if they didn’t buy insurance and now they offer it FREE to illegals. (WTF?) LET THAT SINK IN! (When did you get political?) (I’m tired of this shit, too!)

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One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons.
They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children.
Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact.
When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland.
It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. Let’s call the boys Towards and Away, suggested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.”
They provisioned their ship, said their good byes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned.
Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as her husband.
My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
“We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish.
Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal.
For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship.
He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible, horrible fish!”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”

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As the sun sets slowly in the west, and the Dragon sits, with a laptop on his lap and his head spinning slowly … almost drunkenly … without the benefit of alcoholic beverages … we slowly fade to black … until tomorrow my dear friends … until tomorrow.

Cheers. ~ Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1768

  1. Stephanie says:

    Take care of yourself and the Mrs. Don’t breakdown, breakup. You know where to find me. Much flame Oh Imperial Primary

  2. Leah D. says:

    Vertigo! Now that should have some conspiracy story attached to it. I’m old, and people have always talked to me . . . even total strangers tell me stories that bring them to tears. But it has only been the last 15 – 20 years that I have become surrounded by people suffering from Vertigo (maybe, the famous Hitchcock thriller had a background sound you couldn’t hear, but it damaged the balance of the inner ear….?). One friend, can’t walk up her stairs, has to crawl up them, can’t drive. Another, can’t watch TV, read, but can drive.
    Being prone to sinus infections, accompanied by Vertigo, I understand how it feels, but can’t imagine what it is like to be totally incapacitated by bouts that come and go, and especially the ones who are never totally free of it.
    I find myself often just shaking my head in wonderment, how you manage to publish issues, when your life is filled with so much turmoil. Kudos!

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