Good Morning Campers,

So, feeling much better today, thank you very much.  It’s wonder what modern chemical pharmaceuticals can do … especially when added to some of the world’s best distilled medication.  Smirnoff Red, White, & Berry over ice has become one of my favorites.  It’s got to be my Polish heritage. 

But this morning requires copious amounts of another liquid … and I imagine all of you can imagine what that liquid is … that sweet, hot, sexy coffee.  The drink of life.  The elixir of the Gods.  The fluid that is pumping through my veins.  I probably drink more of that stuff than anything else. 

Anyway, I took the day off today, figuring I wouldn’t be either in the mood to, or in the condition for work.  Turns out I probably could have gone in to work today, but whether I should have gone in to work today … well … I guess it’s kind of a moot point now, but just because I feel okay now, doesn’t mean I will feel okay later on.  But, I am going to take it easy, just like the doctor ordered.

And in today’s issue, hopefully I’ll be able to get to a bunch of the stuff I haven’t been able to get to over the last couple of days.  We’ve had some nice comments sent in and we’ve had some comments on the comments, which is nice to see.  It means that people are actually checking to see if people are reading their comments. 

Anyway, you guys don’t want to sit here and listen to me rambling on and on.  I know what you really want to do … you want to laugh.  And in order to do that … I need to do this …

Oh Yuck!!!

Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Democratic Senator.

That is just wrong!

ANTISTALKING (v) learning someone’s routine so you can avoid them.

“What’s the quickest way to Cork?” I asked the Irish farmer.

“Are you walking or driving?” He said.

“Driving,” I replied.

“Yes, that would be the quickest.”

Did you know: Bloody hell!  Already?  We just started.  Dumbledore is an Old English word for “Bumblebee”  That’s it?  That’s it.  Well … that wasn’t bad … in fact … that was kinda interesting. 

And that answers SO many questions.

My favorite part of 2020 so far is how ordering takeout most nights of the week is now considered “supporting” local businesses and not being a lazy ass who just doesn’t want to cook … again.

My cousin Billy still works for the Electric Company.

Two blondes walk into a building.

You’d think one of them would have seen it.

I do!  I do!

I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.

People say that laughter is the best medicine ~ your face must be curing the World!

Oh OUCH!

“Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up”, said no one, ever.

And if you don’t get that, you had such a sad childhood.

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

That’s a really good question … I’ve got another really good question … why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

How much dip would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip?

Pro Tip:  You’re the same guy who does the “Did You Know” bit aren’t you?  Guys with an eye patch and three fingers sell the best fireworks.  Yup, I was right.

Taking back your ex is like buying your shit back from your own garage sale.

Guys have been social distancing in the men’s room … always.

“I can’t wait till I’m grown” has got to be the dumbest shit I’ve ever said.

How do you sleep at  night knowing people don’t like you?

With no underwear in case they want to kiss my ass.

Yup, same thing always happens to me, too.

Okay, it’s time, let’s do some of these …

I have never, ever seen any Alcohol Company use a drunk person for any advert.  Are they ashamed of their customers?

Yeah, yeah … there’s a bunch of you who won’t get that one, either.

Alright, settle down.  Grab a drink … let’s get caught up on the mail.  First one is from Leah D.  One of our most popular commenters.

Leah D

WARNING! If you have a problem with an individual high on drugs, Do Not Call Police! To do so means your house will be burned down.

Okay Leah, seems like there’s a lot going on here in just a couple of sentences.  Are you speaking from experiences or just postulating based on something you’ve heard or read?  I think if your house had been burned down we would have gotten a little more information from you, so I think we’ll assume that it was something else.  Usually if I have an issue with someone who’s high on drugs, it’s amicably settled with more drugs, but that’s just me.

Next is our good buddy Sasquatch with some sage advice on whore houses …

Sasquatch

In reply to Leah D.

As long as we are discussing whore houses, a question from my business class.

Q. Is it better to have a 1 story or 2 store whorehouse?

A. 1 story…. no f-ing overhead.

Hmm, I don’t remember Leah discussing whore houses … but, be that as it may, it seems to be good advice, just the same, and I’m going to assume that Sasquatch would attend a business class that would have good advice on whore houses … I don’t know why that makes sense to me, but it seems to.

Next, James C comments on the picture of the car that was backwards in the drive thru … remember that one?

James C

I would imagine the car backwards in the drive through is one of those Japanese imports with right hand drive.

Wait … what?  Why does it have to be a Japanese import that has a right hand drive?  I have driven a European Ford and an American Ford that were exactly the same car, just with the steering wheel on the opposite sides and neither of them were made in Japan.  Although I suppose the one in the picture could have been made in Japan … why are we talking about this, again?

From Brenda C … who has probably the greatest email address ever! …

Brenda C

really looking forward to all those e mails from lawyers for compensation for condensation…great bunch of stuff to see today and share with all my other quarantined in friends…better than all the drama I keep seeing every day….keep up the good work…

Thanks Brenda … I’m trying.  Okay, let’s go back to some fun stuff and maybe we’ll catch up on the rest of the comments tomorrow … cause there’s still a bunch left.

I say, during Phase 2, we close Walmart, Costco, and all the other big names and let all the small businesses and mom & pop stores have a turn at making money.

Joe Biden would probably pick AOC as his running mate, except you can’t have two dummies in a ventriloquist act.

This one is close to home, so must be shared …

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart County, Indiana, where bozo Michael Dever was cruising down the highway in his souped up Mustang. Cruising at 120 in a 70 MPH zone. Indiana State Police officers gave chase and pursued him for 25 miles before troopers threw stop sticks in his path. And just why didn’t he stop? His bozo excuse was that he thought the cops wanted to race. Uh-huh. He’s charged with resisting police, reckless driving and several moving violations.

Doesn’t surprise me at all … not a bit.

Stupid isn’t a strong enough word for what they are doing up in Seattle with CHAZ, CHOP, or whatever the hell they are calling it today.  Hypocrisyville is a good name for it.  What a bunch of dumbasses. 

The best thing we can do?  Sit back, watch them fall flat on their faces, and laugh our asses off at them while they do.  While the whole world watches!

Did You Know:  (Okay, giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one) The average daily diet of a Giant Panda consists of 20 to 40 pounds of bamboo.  (!?)  With a hefty diet like that, they defecate up to 40 times a day.  (I give you the benefit of the doubt and you give me Panda Shit)  Okay, then how about this one!

Did You Know: (This better be good!  Or …) (Or what?)  Less than 66 years separate the Wright Brothers’ first flight in 1903 and the Apollo 11 Moon Landing in 1969.  (Okay, that was pretty cool.  Only 66 years from first flight to landing on the moon!  And now, what have we done in the 51 years since then?  We should have a colony on the moon by now!  We should have landed on Mars by now!  We should have …) (Okay, Okay, we get it!)

 I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

And with that, I’m going to call it an issue.  I hope you all enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the website.  Cheers to you all!

Impish Dragon