Dragon Laffs #1760


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Good Morning Campers,

Wow, my mouth hurts!  Two teeth pulled.  It really sucks getting older.  Try to avoid it for as long as you can.  Stay young.  Stay strong.  And you know the best way to do that?  Laugh!  That’s right!  Laugh!  Laugh at the bastards who are trying to feed you bullshit.  Laugh at the world.  Although, I gotta tell you, right now, laughing hurts.  So, it’s a little too early for alcohol, but not for pain meds, so I’m going to sit here and let you guys read some funny stuff, while I wait for it to become five o’clock somewhere. 

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Leah has an idea that might just work …

What if instead of becoming criminals, the rioters joined the police academy and became the change they want to see?

Well, that would require an effort and a commitment that I’m not sure that would be willing to expend.  That’s a whole lot more difficult than just bitching and gripping about about a problem.  Being part of the solution is always more difficult than being part of the problem.

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“As far as this week’s paint theme, there’s thousands upon thousands of police officers in this country that serve us very well and they do not deserve to be disrespected and not be appreciated,” Harmon said in a statement to CNN. “We at MHR want to send the message (that the deaths of police officers killed in the line of duty) wasn’t in vain and that they’re not forgotten and very much appreciated.”

NASCAR Driver Debuts Blue Lives Matter Inspired Car

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And here’s another one for brother Sasquatch…

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You guys have heard of this CHAZ bullshit going on up in Seattle, right?  Laughable, is the best thing I have to say about it.  It’s funny watching them do and say the exact things that they have been rallying against.  But, then we get this one and it just cracked me up: 

404Enforcing private property rights in an anarchist utopia has proven difficult. One of the CHAZ occupiers took to Reddit over the weekend to complain that their tent had been looted and their laptop stolen, along with $400 in cash. The CHAZ community quickly stepped in to reassure the victim that “a disadvantaged resident was in greater need of the items than you,” and to think of the theft as an “unplanned donation.”

What was it that George Orwell said so many years ago, “All pigs are equal … it’s just that some pigs are more equal than others.”  I’m probably paraphrasing a bit.  And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, your education is sorely lacking.  Cracks me up.  You gets whats you pays for fellows.

 

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Amen! 

This is what we’ve been saying at Dragon Laffs since the beginning.  And even though Drew Brees may have backed down from his stand on kneeling during the National Anthem (and this dragon has lost all respect for him because of it), we will NEVER change our stand that there is only one acceptable thing you can do during the playing of ANY country’s national anthem, and that is stand respectfully. 

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Again, another AMEN!

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And I don’t particularly care what your opinion is.  (Just like the old saying, “Opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one and most of them stink.”)  You can be a Rebel rousing screaming bigot, and I will defend your right to that opinion, but keep your fucking mouth shut about it and don’t try to foist that opinion off on me and try to make it so that I’m supposed to feel that way, too.  Now, having said that, I don’t have to keep my opinion to myself here at Dragon Laffs, because I OWN Dragon Laffs.  If you don’t care for or share my opinion, I will happily show you where the door is.  This is an ezine for LIKE minded folks.  OR at a minimum, people who understand that we can have differing opinions about things and it doesn’t mean we have to hate each other because of it.  When did it start becoming a rule that if I disagreed with you, that I have to burn your fucking house down?  I must’ve missed that damn memo.

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Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

Yup, it seems that way.

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Oh HELL no!

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Corona season, then Riot season, now Hurricane season … Do I need a mask?  A Glock? Or a Generator?

You know, as an Emergency Manager, you’d think this would be an exciting time for me … I don’t like exciting times.  Like I tell the base populace, “If you hear my voice coming over the loud speakers … shits done gone terribly wrong.”

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This next one is from Brenda C and actually, I think it is partially plagiarized from an older joke, but it is laugh out loud, tears run down your face funny, so we’ll run it again, even if you’ve seen it before.

The electric fence and the lawnmower..

We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard the ANTIFA Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod,  and sunk the ground rod  7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I’m mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”….How very thoughtful of her.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my   right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time…….stood……..still……….

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences … but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into   a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.

I now have a newfound respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

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Me too!!

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We have officially reached the stage where pretending to be a good person is more important than actually being a good person.

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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one hand that just sits there like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil.”

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I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

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False Advertising

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Monday morning commute

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And here’s an oldie but goodie from brother Wheats!

The perfect man!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was really something special..

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, what a guy !

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: How did you meet him?

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

One of my favorites.

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This year sure has been a pretty intense Epstein murder distraction cover up …

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Tulsa PD Major Travis Yates, with 27 years on the job, is warning of an oncoming police exodus. “You aren’t going to have to abolish the police, we won’t be around for it,” he declared.  And it’s happening … read an article this morning about On-duty Atlanta Police Officers Walking off the job.  And what the hell did we expect?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Kiev, Russia comes the story of a bozo fisherman who came up with a rather unique, illegal and dangerous way of catching fish. He connected a long extension cord to the main power supply at his home and then ran the wire down to a nearby river. His idea was to toss the cord into the water, shocking the fish which would then float to the surface whereupon they could be scooped up. Everything worked fine until he got to the scooping up part. Our bozo forgot to unplug the extension cord before wading into the river to retrieve the fish. Needless to say, he won’t be shocking any more fish.

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Okay, that’s it … so much I didn’t get to today … sigh … but I guess there’s always next time.

Be well, be safe, be happy.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1760

  1. Sasquatch says:

    Another fine edition but Zima?? Really? Bourbon maybe. Here in the backwoods we are more of “hold my beer and watch this” not “hold my Zima while I get a coaster”. Ahhhh who am I kidding, around here it’s more of “let’s do a shot while I hold this guy’s beer. This could be entertaining “

  2. Leah D says:

    Loved the electric fence story! My husband did too!
    Years ago, we decorated our fence with the Christmas lights with screw in bulbs. Troublesome teens would unscrew the bulbs, then throw them to the asphalt or cement.
    My husband wired them up so they would get an electric shock. No more stolen bulbs.

  3. Leah D says:

    I am an advocate for Prison Reform. The minute I say we work to see those that commit non-violent crimes, receive therapy, education, training, etc., instead of, or along with, a prison sentence, people come unglued.
    “And who’s gonna pay for that? I guess you expect the tax payers to!

    I wonder: Isn’t that the same idea we pursue raising our kids . . . to prepare them to support themselves, so we don’t have to anymore?

    Talk about supporting:
    Several times, I have seen people say the reason the riots are so bad, the protests going on so long, is because they don’t have a job (thanks to a virus), but do get more money on unemployment than they earned at their job. Or they never did have a job, and survive on welfare handouts. Or they are college students whose parents support them. Or as many say, they receive payment from Soros.
    If you have a job, you know you must be responsible.

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