And the beginning of another issue. Today is Monday and the start of the Angelology class. I’m really excited about this. I am 100% sure this issue will not be complete by then so I can share with you later and tell you how the first class went. It’s only two classes. This Monday and next, with the test the following Monday. It should be great fun.

But, in the mean time, while I’m waiting, let’s get this issue started, shall we?

Why can’t more people today understand this? It is unbelievable to me how many people show up to my classes 5 to 10 minutes late and see nothing wrong with that. Well, I should say, they USED to show up late. They don’t anymore. See, Impish has a REPUTATION on base. New people are told and old people know that if the class starts at 0800, the door is closed at 0800 and no one is admitted after that time. I am not going to waste people’s time who got there on time by either starting the class over or stopping the class to get someone late caught up. My class, my rules. It’s not like the class was a bloody surprise to you. You want to be fashionably late, do it where it’s fashionable, not where it’s disrespectful.

I have questions … a LOT of questions.

First Prayer of the Continental Congress, 1774 

“O Lord our Heavenly Father, high and mighty King of kings, and Lord of lords, who dost from thy throne behold all the dwellers on earth and reignest with power supreme and uncontrolled over all the Kingdoms, Empires and Governments; look down in mercy, we beseech Thee, on these our American States, who have fled to Thee from the rod of the oppressor and thrown themselves on Thy gracious protection, desiring to be henceforth dependent only on Thee. To Thee have they appealed for the righteousness of their cause; to Thee do they now look up for that countenance and support, which Thou alone canst give. Take them, therefore, Heavenly Father, under Thy nurturing care; give them wisdom in Council and valor in the field; defeat the malicious designs of our cruel adversaries; convince them of the unrighteousness of their Cause and if they persist in their sanguinary purposes, of own unerring justice, sounding in their hearts, constrain them to drop the weapons of war from their unnerved hands in the day of battle!

Be Thou present, O God of wisdom, and direct the councils of this honorable assembly; enable them to settle things on the best and surest foundation. That the scene of blood may be speedily closed; that order, harmony and peace may be effectually restored, and truth and justice, religion and piety, prevail and flourish amongst the people. Preserve the health of their bodies and vigor of their minds; shower down on them and the millions they here represent, such temporal blessings as Thou seest expedient for them in this world and crown them with everlasting glory in the world to come. All this we ask in the name and through the merits of Jesus Christ, Thy Son and our Savior.

Amen.”

Reverend Jacob Duché

Rector of Christ Church of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

September 7, 1774

Illinois, Chicago Law

People who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being “an unsightly or disgusting object” are banned from going out in public.

I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenlycouldn’t find her.

“I’ve lost my wife!” I muttered slightly louder than was necessary. 

Then I heard a strange man’s voice from the next aisle: “Some people have all the luck.”

The quiet of the hospital was broken by the piercing sirens, and
white-clad guards ran everywhere looking for the missing mental
patient to no avail.

Later that evening, the police, responding to a report of a woman
screaming, surrounded a house. As they pulled up, they could see
activity through a gap in the curtains, and the lights abruptly
went out.

Repeated knocking and ringing of the bell being unavailing, they
broke down the door. To their horror, they saw a woman lying naked
on the floor and the mental patient just pulling up his pants.

The mental patient ran to a large bedroom window, picked up a stool,
broke it out, and tried to make his escape into the fields behind
the house.

One of the officers, not quick enough to catch him, fired at the
fleeing form, hitting him in the arm. The impact and surprise
threw the fleeing felon off balance, and he crashed into the low
fence surrounding the back yard.

The man was treated at the local hospital, and sent back to the
institution, where he was placed under guard in solitary confinement 

The headline in the local paper the next day read:

                    NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS

                 Police Wing Nut, Lock Nut Up

Arthur sat at the kitchen island, practically vibrating with triumph as he tapped his finger on a printed article. He had been waiting for this exact moment for months.

“Look at this, Sarah,” he said, sliding the paper across the counter to his wife. “It’s a scientific study. Hard data. It proves that women talk way more than men. The average man uses about 15,000 words a day, but a woman? A staggering 30,000 words. You guys literally talk twice as much.”

Sarah didn’t look up from her coffee. She took a slow, deliberate sip, letting the silence stretch just long enough to make Arthur slightly uncomfortable. She glanced down at the study, then looked up at him with a look of calm, pitying clarity.

“Well, Arthur, that makes perfect sense,” she said evenly. “The reason women have to use twice as many words as men is because we always have to repeat everything we say.”

Arthur blinked, his triumphant smirk instantly vanishing as his brain stalled.

He leaned forward, looking completely stunned, and said, “What?”

I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise … 

so now I watch tennis.

OH! That is SO GOOD!!!!

Louisiana, New Orleans

It is against the law to decorate a roadside tree.

Why?

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

And that’s it my friends. I was just informed by my daughter that she’s out of distilled water for her mini swamp cooler. So we are making a run to the store. So … gotta go. My love to you all.