Dragon Laffs #1752


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Good Morning Campers,

What a LONG weekend it’s been.  I sure have missed you guys.  Haven’t had time to even lift the lid on my laptop much less look at any emails or comments or anything.  I’m actually excited about getting back to you guys.  But I am so far behind in so many other things it’s not funny.  I didn’t realize how my life was laid out in such straight lines since this whole stay at home thing went into effect and now that I went in and worked the weekend for the first time since March, not only did it throw me completely out of whack, but it beat me to death, too.  I can definitely tell that it has been a while since I’ve stood on my feet for 8 hours and taught class.  Holy crap I feel like someone’s taken a baseball bat to my legs and back. 

And I didn’t get to mow the lawn over the weekend like I normally do, which means I need to fit that in somewhere soon…oh dear…it’s going to be a busy week for this little blue dragon.

But on a good note, our little protest went off on Saturday with nary a hitch.  Just about everybody played nicely.  We had one or two arrests.  Not from any protesters, but from what I understand from people protesting the protesters.  So, all is well that ends well.

And now I think it’s a good time to get around to battling some of that bullshit with laughter … don’t you agree?

Let's Laugh5

1257

I don’t know if I believe in “String Theory” or Knot.

1258

No kidding!  Me t… What were we talking about?

Okay, this was quite cool.  How old are your reactions. 

https://www.justpark.com/creative/reaction-time-test/

You are in a car and when you see a stop sign you are supposed to hit any button and it tells you how old you are by your reactions.  The best I could do when I was using the mouse button was 25 years old.  But when I switched over to the space bar, it told me I wasn’t human.  My reactions were faster than than an 18 year old, which is the lowest they go.  Dragon Speed baby!  266 milliseconds was my best.  Just to give you guys something to shoot at.

1259

Why does everyone force introverts to be talkative and leave their comfort zone, but no one forces the extroverts to shut up, even for a minute, to make the zone comfortable?

1260

My son asked me, “Where does poo come from?”  I was a little uncomfortable, but gave him an honest explanation.  He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

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And now, you too can play 2020 Disaster BINGO at home!  Through the magic of modern technology, all you have to do is right click the image below, hit your print button and your computer will print a randomly generated 2020 Disaster BINGO card from your own computer!*  That’s right kids, your own playing piece!  And now you, too can have all the fun and win all the prizes associated with these unprecedented times!  Just get a row across, up and down or diagonally!  And then flip the card over, scratch off the special square on the back and see what you’ve won!  Will it be a Fifteen minute free looting spree!  Your own AR-15 assault rifle!  Or maybe even the grand prize … Dinner with George Soros – the mastermind behind the whole 2020 Disaster Plan!  Good Luck and get playing!

403

*I’m friggin’ kidding!  Right clicking isn’t going to do anything!

Okay, on a more serious note… we’re going to try and help out one of our fellow campers.  Stephanie sent me the following email.  And seriously … and I mean this, I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOU TO JUDGE HER!  It’s hard enough on all of us right now, okay?

Well the Covid19 pandemic has finally affected me financially. In order to offset the extra cost for food,electricity,house payment etc ….. I’m needing to make some extra money  on the side.

So…

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys….I hope no one will be embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!!

I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for … Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below.

-Walkers

-wheelchairs

-oxygen tanks

-canes

-disposable diapers

-teeth glue

-heating pads

and more!

I’ve known Stephanie for many years, and I can vouch for her discretion, so if anyone would like her contact info, just let me know…

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I got this email the other day from a guy named Joe L with the subject line of “Very upset!” and I thought … oh crap!  Who’ve I pissed off this time.  Because, believe it or not, it has happened once or twice – okay maybe more – and I’ve been just a tad more controversial lately.  So I opened the email and this is what I got:

Impish Dragon (Not sure how to address you)  Okay, it starts off nice enough.  Normally you can address me as Impish, Impish Dragon … I don’t usually care for Mr. Dragon (that’s usually reserved for my Dad) ( who, by the way, is also known as Papa Dragon most Senior), Oh Great and Powerful Blue One works, but no one hardly ever calls me that, Hey You … anyway, you get the idea

I am a new subscriber and very upset because I only found your TRULY GREAT ezine, mailing or whatever, a couple of weeks ago. Without a doubt you are the BEST! I’ve lost out on months, years or __________ until I accidentally found a link. I enjoy (and agree with) your comments and love your humor.  Oh well hey!  Isn’t that nice!  Wow, Joe!  What a truly wonderful and marvelous thing to say!  Thank you ever so much!  In all honesty, it is letters like that, that make this whole gig worthwhile.

Thank you for your excellent work!

…Joe in Southern NJ

Beesley’s Point is so small we don’t have a town drunk. We have to take turns.

And actually, I had to look Beesley’s Point up on Google Maps and I wrote back to Joe separately and we’ve talked a couple of times and I told him that as close to Atlantic City and Cape May as Beesley’s Point is, I’ve probably been drunk there a few times.  Hey Marsha, you ever hear of Beesley’s Point?  You’re from that neck of the woods?

Well, and then Joe wrote back to me and said:

Beesley’s Point doesn’t show up on a lot of maps.

We’re the extreme northern tip of Cape May County.

You must have supplied your own refreshment because Ocean City is a dry town. Exceptions are private clubs and personal supplies.

You have ‘the feel’ for real humor. That gift is not shared by everyone.

Thanks again,

…Joe in NJ

  And I think my reply was something to the effect of that I could have started out drunk and gotten there on my own.  But, this was back in the late 70s and I was just a teenager – the drinking age back then was 18, therefore most of us started when we were 16, but Joe was so complimentary that I just had to share it with the rest of you.  Thanks Joe.  You made my day brother Jerseyite. 

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My Dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

1262

Oregon has Ok’d marijuana curbside delivery …

You pull up, a guy hands you a bag of weed through the window and you hand him cash.

Just like the good old days!

405

Husband:  I want you to have this bracelet.  It belonged to my Grandmother.

Wife:  Why does it say “Do Not Resuscitate”?

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I almost didn’t include this one because of how controversial the topic is, but without going into the topic itself, isn’t this just a tad fucking hypocritical to you dumbasses?  You can’t have it both ways!

Deep breaths Impish, deep breaths — No rants!

Salads don’t kill people.

People who eat salads kill people.

Drink beer.

407

Too soon?  I think it’s too soon. 

Really, is it too soon?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where bozo George White broke into a home with the intent of quickly finding anything of value and quickly getting out. Unfortunately his plan went awry when he came into the large video room of the house and found a big screen TV with a new Nintendo game system hooked up to it. Our bozo paused to play a quick game and before you knew it, he was totally enthralled in the game. So enthralled, he lost all track of time. In the meantime, the neighbors, who knew the homeowners were supposed to be on vacation, called police to report some suspicious activity. Bozo was still trying to conquer Super Mario World when police arrived.

Yeah, that’s pretty damn dumb.

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Yeah … we have to laugh at ourselves.

I’m not really a control freak

BUT …

can I show you the right way to do that?

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coollogo_com-167001037

Lemur Matrix11 (2)

Leopard

Let me guess

Let_Peace_Rain

Level 1 Wizard

Levitation

Liberalism

liberals (2)

Liberals

Liberals2

Library Nazis

Library

License

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Really?  Your sure it’s not too soon?  Okay, if we can’t laugh … yeah, you know the rest.

If I skip dessert due to a coronary condition, have I “put the heart before the course”?

Okay, that’s just bad all the way around!!

411

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.  His wife protests, “Why the same color, people will think I don’t change my panties.”

Husband replies, “Which people?”

412

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension … she said she just couldn’t take it any longer!

413

Say what you will about women, but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument is a heck of a talent.

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Dear Men ~ If you’re going to watch porn, at least learn something form it!

Sincerely, Unsatisfied women everywhere.

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Always a plus…

Don’t use a big word when a singularly un-loquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

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For the same reason I grew up to be an old man … it just fucking happened!

I know, I just keep going on and on.  But, part of me just doesn’t want to stop…but I really need to.  I got stuff to do!  So, I guess I’m gonna have to call it quits right here.  So, until tomorrow.  Dang … I didn’t even get to the mail or nothin’ Oh well, I guess we’ll get that tomorrow.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1752

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    Beesley’s point…if I remember right that is the best place to hunt for Cape May diamonds. If been gone from Jersey 26 years now…still miss the ocean and the food …oh and the kids. Getting old sucks…but I did love the shore…used to work nights and sleep on the wildwood shore…34th street…or there abouts. Yep have the sun spots to prove it…yep would do it all again….thanks for the brief mental trip.

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