Good Morning Campers,
Okay, grab your morning drink of choice, mine, this morning, is coffee, liberally laced with Jameson fine Irish Whiskey, because I have had a week that has had more in common with a week spent in the fiery pits of Hell being tortured by Satan’s minions while having to listen to both of my ex-wives extoll my many imperfections while standing on Legos in bare feet.
Okay? So, let’s talk.
It’s pretty bad.
But, that is not an excuse for you to act like an idiot.
First of all, I’d like to ask one question, the three main symptoms of the COVID-19 virus are dry cough, fever, and difficulty breathing…so why the hell is everyone hoarding toilet paper?
If we’re worried about being quarantined for any length of time, why aren’t we hoarding food? YOU CAN’T EAT TOILET PAPER!!!
Like I said …. it’s bad. And it’s going to get worse… A LOT WORSE! Prepare yourselves. The most important thing you can do is to stay home as much as you can. If you have to go to work, then go to work and come back home. Don’t go out, don’t go to your friends house, don’t go to the store except to get essentials and when you do, stay as far away from other people as you can. STAY HOME.
In the mean time, I will be as irreverently funny as I can. Yes, I am going to poke fun at the Coronavirus. No, that doesn’t mean I think it’s a laughing matter. Quite the opposite. Life I’ve said before. This is what I do for a living. Anyone who has any serious questions can feel free to email me and I will do my very best to answer them. When I tell you it is going to get really bad, trust me, it is going to get really bad, BUT(!!!!!!!) we can all get through this.
Keep yourselves safe.
Keep your families safe.
Don’t go to work sick.
And laugh a little.
Lynn sent this to me and I found it very appropriate:
Ships don’t sink because of the water around them.
Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them.
Moral of the story, don’t let what is happening around you, get inside of you and weigh you down.
And with that, I’m sure I’ll check back in throughout this issue. Not sure how long it will be because I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, but for now …
And who says the public servants aren’t taking advantage of a bad situation.
We are about 3 weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color!
Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house… It Worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.
It sure works for me!
Home schooling going well…
Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.
Well, that’s comforting.
Not counting on it…
Another one of those that you younger folks won’t get.
Wow! Bars, Clubs, and Gyms all closed??? My life is about to seriously be exactly the same!
Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send us instructions on what to do.
My foot just got run over by a rental car…
Yes, yes they do….Him Diaman!
Actually, due to my job, I have a suit, quite similar to this, and I want very badly to tape a sock to someone’s back and chase them while screaming, “23-19! We’ve got a 23-19!” Just to see if anyone gets it and to lighten people the fuck up!
Our Indiana Governor just closed all the schools until at least May 1st … imagine all the parents going through this daily now.
I could make that kid an awesome Emergency Manager!
You know there were Little Ho’s on the Prairie
I know each of you know someone like this.
Yup, that perfectly describes my month so far.
Hey bartender, let me get 3 shots of Grey Goose … or is it Grey Geese? Fuck it, let me get a flock of Vodka!
They say, “Do what you love and money will follow.” So, I ate a cheesecake and drank some wine …
Now I wait.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Please use protection. I can’t afford to go to 38 baby showers in December because you all got bored.
Aww, come on! You know it’s next!
The panic, market crash, and toilet paper hoarding over COVID-19 is a good indicator of why the public can never be told what’s really going on in Area 51.
Yeah, that would do it.
And to all you cat lovers out there…I’m really sorry for this next one, but I’ll be real honest with you…I laughed like hell!
Yes, we’ve poked an awful lot of fun at the Coronavirus and if that upsets you, well then I’m sorry. But, human beings have proven a long, long time ago that the best way to fight against something that they are afraid of is to laugh at it. And we’re not going to be dumbasses, like the kids on the beaches in Florida who are disregarding all the instructions to leave and partying anyway (I swear to God, if my kid were there I’d drive down there, grab him or her by the friggin’ ear, beat them about the head and shoulders with a wooden spoon, and drag them off the beach like the spoiled rotten, unthinking, inconsiderate, self-centered, orc-brained, mouth breathing, cross-eyed, tik-tok using, toe nail fungus nibbling, snot-nosed, BRATTY SNOWFLAKE that they are! I’d get someone to video tape it and put it all over their Facebook page and then tell all the rest of the worthless friggin’ parents to go down there and get their worthless friggin’ kids, too!) (And if THAT upsets you, then too damn bad. Those worthless pieces of humanity won’t suffer, but at some point in time, they will come back and give the virus to a mother, father, or someone else who IS at risk and that person is going to die. WE HAVE TO STAY AT HOME IN ORDER TO FLATTEN OUT THE INFECTION CURVE OR THERE WON’T BE ENOUGH HOSPITAL BEDS AND LIFE SAVING EQUIPMENT AVAILABLE WHEN IT’S NEEDED!!!!) Okay, let me kick that soapbox back under the counter ….
ahem … where was I?
Oh yeah, laughing at our fear….
And that’s what we do here at Dragon Laffs! That’s why we are poking fun at the Corona Virus, because if we didn’t, then all we’d get are rants by AN ANGRY FUCKING DRAGON!
And nobody wants that, now do we?
On with the show!
Particularly appropriate now with the scarcity of toilet paper
If there is ever a thing on this wonderful earth that can take a man’s mind off a horrible situation it’s …
I’m sure there’s probably a female equivalent … but being a man … I can’t hardly imagine what it is. Especially now when my mind isn’t working real well anyway.
What is it we were talking about?
And this next one if from Brother Owl…
Makes perfect sense to me!
Okay folks, that’s it for today…. can’t do anymore. Ran out of time and I still have work to do before I can sleep.
Be well, stay safe. Stay home!
Love you all.
Write to me and let me know how you all are doing.