Dragon Laffs #1619


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Good Morning Campers,

So, let’s start with news…there isn’t any.  I’m still waiting for my job to appear on usajobs.gov and when I ask our personnel people about it, all I get is a shrug of the shoulders because, in it’s infinite wisdom, the Air Force has taken all the abilities away from the bases and centralized them.

And it’s not just the personnel stuff.

We don’t even own our own servers anymore.  They are at another base.

It’s bloody stupid.  It’s another example of the government being penny wise and dollar foolish.

Anyway, let’s move on to other things.

Today is the last time you will have to listen to me ask for money…well…for this year.  It’s your last chance to help out for this year.  By the time Dragon Laffs #1620 comes out it will have been a month since I first asked for help to keep this ezine going and I’m not going to harp on it.

Thank you to all of you who helped out this year.  I’ll give the rest of you this last week and give you a final list of Impish Dragon’s Helpers next week.

So, for now, on with the laffs!

4610

The Advantages of a Gun over a Wife

#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.

4611

A manager calls the IT department guy angry as hell and tells him that the projector shows only half the screen.  IT guy enters the meeting room FULL of managers and moved the water bottle in front of the projector 5 inches to the right.

Complete silence in the room.

4612

I grew up with a guy who’s house was haunted…and that’s almost exactly what happened all the time.  We would be sitting in the living room that had hard wood floors and the door on one end of the room would open and close, you would hear foot steps on the wooden floor cross the room, the door on the other end of the room would open and close.

And this happened all the time!

4613

Ate salad for dinner!!!!

Mostly croutons and tomatoes.

Really, just one big, round crouton with with tomato sauce and cheese.

Okay, fine!  It was pizza.  I ATE A PIZZA!

4614

Her: “Undress me with your words!”

Him: “There’s a spider in your bra.”

4615

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.  Just in case.

4616

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

My God that’s so true it brought a tear to my eye.

4617

I know there are people more attractive than me, but they’ll never beat my sparkling fucking personality.

4618

The military recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through lots of retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.

In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.

He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God man!” he said, “where are your testicles??”

“Vietnam,” smiled the general.

4619

Okay, I have GOT to get me one of these shirts!  Even if I only wear it to darts on Tuesday nights!

2

I was at the bank last week when an old lady approached me and asked me to check her balance… So I pushed her over.

4620

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants.

It’s called balance.

4621

Man!  This would’ve been the perfect line for an ex-wife or girlfriend…

My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.

4622

I think my guardian angel drinks.

4623

One time I got a sample from a tea store at the mall and as I walked away the guy said, “Tea you later.”

And his coworker smacked him.

4624

I need to re-home a dog.  It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you’re interested let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

4625

I start the day with Captain Crunch and end the day with Captain Morgan because apparently ….

I want to be a pirate.

4626

I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand him a briefcase and whisper, “you know what to do,” and walk away.

4627

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink….

You’re an amateur and we can’t be friends.

4628

I have a very specific life plan that I try to follow every day.  And here it is…

BE THE REASON SOMEONE SMILES TODAY…

OR THE REASON THEY DRINK.

WHATEVER WORKS.

Really kind of touching, isn’t it?

4629

I WORK SO I CAN AFFORD THE AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL REQUIRED TO CONTINUE GOING TO WORK.

4630

MONDAY MORNING CHECKLIST:

Clothed? – Ah, sufficiently

Keys? – Yup, just found them!

Coffee cup? – Full

Sanity? … Sanity? – And we have a runner.

4631

Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible … but 8 beers and 7 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

And with those final words of wisdom it’s time to call it a day!  May you have a wonderful week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1619

  1. kris72663 says:

    Good luck with the job, I hope it comes through soon. Here’s another example of government efficiency at it’s best: I work for the NYS court system. Our “e-file” system used to have the word “processed” in green and “pending” in red, which made it easier on us to see what needed to be done – when you’re looking at 100’s of filings a day, everything starts to blur after a bit, so the red/green helped. One day, we logged in and the red “pending” was replaced by black print that was italicized. After a week, we contacted the powers-that-be, to find out that the red was removed in order to make the site ADA compliant. Apparently, many people have red/green color blindness. That’s all well & good but, why is the green still there? Yeah, they couldn’t supply an answer either.

  2. Ginny. says:

    Wow what an outstanding issue my favorite dragon! If everyone that smiled, giggled or laughed out loud for real today……just send a few bucks to keep Dragon Laffs going. It would be our small way of saying THANK YOU to Impish,

  3. Maggie says:

    great issue had many good laughs

  4. Leah D says:

    Great issue!
    I lived in a haunted house for about two years.
    The scary stuff was unnerving, but what really griped me, was my electric bill.
    I had three experts come to my house and check appliances, and wiring, even out to the line coming in. No one could find a reason why my power bill was higher than my neighbor’s, who heated with electricity.
    Then I read in a book, that it has been observed, spirits seem to drain electricity.
    I gave up.

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