Good Morning Campers,

Before we get to far into this introduction I MUST do a …

A very special thank you to all of our donators (so far, I hope) for this year.  As you know, it’s that time of the year to pay the damn bills again to keep this website and blog going.  Please consider going to the right side of this blog and clicking on the donate button and throwing us a couple of bucks.  And you can join these generous people:

Danny M.          K2                  Ginny               Philip S.               Kristine M.
Donald M.         William E      Margaret C       Steven H.            Jonathon J.
Chris S.              Leah H.         Chuck G.

Thank you ever so much for your generosity!

Now, let’s get to the laughs!

When I’m feeling down and someone tells me to “suck it up” I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say, “walk it off!”

Police Officer: Step out of the vehicle sir…

Me: It’s 94 degrees out there, you get in and tell me what the problem is in the AC…

I was drinking at a bar so I took a bus home.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

NOTE TO SELF: It’s illegal to stab people for getting on your last nerve.

If it’s the thought that counts…

…then I should probably be in jail.

Sadly, I’ve reached an age where falling asleep on the couch has nothing to do with coming home drunk.

I can’t believe that I’m the only one that gives the middle finger to my phone when certain people text.

It truly amazes me the number of people out there who truly believe that the world is flat, the moon landing was a hoax, and that there are such things as chem-trails.

Do you ever feel like you’re on Season Five of your life, and the writers are just doing jacked-up outrageous shit to keep it interesting?

Yup, every single day.

Doing Crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning and Nestle at night.

If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

The first million people to send me $1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire using Facebook.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift a beer belly.

Going into a teenager’s room is like taking a trip to IKEA…

You pop in just to look and end up leaving with 6 cups, 2 plates, 3 bowls, a tea towel, and some cutlery.

And with my teenager, that would just be the first trip.

He said there was no spark between us anymore.

So I tasered him!!!

(I’ll ask him again when he wakes up)

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring.  Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you the fuck out.

 

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one..

With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, “I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I’ll grant you any wish.”
The player thought a bit and said, “Could you make me wiener a bit larger?”
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin’ below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin’ along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it.

He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again, the leprechaun offered any wish.
The player asked, “Could ya make me legs a bit longer?”

“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me!  Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes, wanting to have sex with me”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away.”
“I see.  What do you want me to do?”
The patient implored, “Break my arms.”

True story, when I was in high school one of the girls who hadn’t started driving yet asked one of the guys how they were able to take off from a traffic light with the tires squealing so fast and he replied, “when you pull up to the street light, push on the brake and shift the gear to R for Race and when the light turns green you push on the gas as hard as you can.”

I don’t know if she ever tried it.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?” he asks.
“I’m told you’re giving my 85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely
that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

 

Today at eighteen minutes after eight it will be…

8/18/18  8:18

 

100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that.

And that’s it for me for today my friends.  Please give a thought to throwing a couple of bucks our way and have a great week until we meet again.

Impish Dragon.