Good Morning Campers,
As promised, here is the final list of the wonderful donators to our ezine. Thank you so very, very much for everyone’s generosity. You are all wonderful friends and family.
Danny M. K2 Ginny Philip S. Kristine M. Donald M. William E. Margaret C. Steven H. Jonathon J. Chris S. Leah H. Chuck G. Lona T. Tina C. Garth B. Gail B. Scott H.
You all have my deepest appreciation.
Let’s start out with a really bad groaner.
The first bee asked the other how things were going.
“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”
“No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”
“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”
If you want to blame someone for the headache you have from rolling your eyes, you can blame Ginny!
ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG – a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”
INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary….. not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping
to lift something other than his mood.
What absolute bliss!!.
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. Hubby thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice — I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ….
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself…and he did.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…….Oh NO !!! here he comes again.
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”
The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”
The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.
The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 35 years old.”
The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 135 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl says, “I just know.”
“And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce from that jerk over there.”
The judge said, “Why do you want the divorce?”
“Because he’s a terrible lover.”
The judge asked, “How long have you been married?”
“Fourteen years,” she replied.
“I don’t understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?”
She said, “Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn’t know how bad he was.”
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a top professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A rather attractive lady driving by in a shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”
Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, “Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her.”
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off …
Got a couple of really good comments to last week’s issue…
To last week’s bit about me knowing a guy who lived in a haunted house, Leah D writes:
I lived in a haunted house for about two years.
The scary stuff was unnerving, but what really griped me, was my electric bill.
I had three experts come to my house and check appliances, and wiring, even out to the line coming in. No one could find a reason why my power bill was higher than my neighbor’s, who heated with electricity.
Then I read in a book, that it has been observed, spirits seem to drain electricity.
I gave up.
I had never heard that about ghosts draining electricity. I know teenagers can do it faster than anything, so I can’t imagine that spirits could be much worse.
Kris writes and says:
Good luck with the job, I hope it comes through soon. Here’s another example of government efficiency at it’s best: I work for the NYS court system. Our “e-file” system used to have the word “processed” in green and “pending” in red, which made it easier on us to see what needed to be done – when you’re looking at 100’s of filings a day, everything starts to blur after a bit, so the red/green helped. One day, we logged in and the red “pending” was replaced by black print that was italicized. After a week, we contacted the powers-that-be, to find out that the red was removed in order to make the site ADA compliant. Apparently, many people have red/green color blindness. That’s all well & good but, why is the green still there? Yeah, they couldn’t supply an answer either.
So, as usual, a minority member of society has a problem and we fix everything just for them? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we shouldn’t help people with red/green color blindness, but we shouldn’t hurt the people who aren’t in the process. Like the atheists screaming about God in schools (a definite vocal minority) so no one says the Pledge of Allegiance any more. Pure bullshit.
This next one is directly from brother Lethal!
The Night of the King’s Castration
Here’s a little story in blank verse, which has been passed by word of mouth among drinking and singing groups since at least the 1950’s, the origins are possibly older. References can be found to it to it on the website for a retired RCAF squadron.
‘Twas the Night of the King’s Castration, and the Queen was having a Ball.
All the counts, viscounts and no-accounts were there.
Even the poor buggers who couldn’t count were in the back row.
“Balls!” cried the Queen. “If I had to, I could be King.”
“Balls!” said the Prince. “I have two but I’m still not King!”
“Balls!” said the Knave. “If I had five, I’d be a pinball machine.”
And the King laughed. Not because he wanted to, but because he had two.
“What Ho?” asked the King.
“Ass ho’!” cried the Knave, and was thrown to the lions.
A lion took a bite of him, and the Knave said, “That tickles”.
“What tickles?” asked the King.
“Testicles!” he replied, and died laughing.
The King returned to the Ball, and asked, “Where’s the Queen?”
“In bed with diphtheria.”
“Diptheria! That Greek bastard’s back again? Oh, shit!”, cried the king.
And twenty thousand loyal subjects stooped and strained,
for in those days, the King’s word was law, and he ruled with an iron hand.
“Where’s the Princess?” someone asked.
“Oh, fuck the Princess!” replied the King.
And fifty thousand loyal subjects were killed in the rush,
for in those days, the King’s word was law, he ruled with an iron hand,
and besides, the Princess was a comely wench.
Something we haven’t done in a while….
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that may husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement and searched. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer – we’d both still be alive.
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada…
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”
But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church “. . . was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”
A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.
“I’ll make you a deal,” said the groom with a smile. “If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?” he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous wife.
As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.
With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe and cover yourself,” he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: “Please help me! My husband’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: “There’s nothing I can do… he’s in too far.”
Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
All I’m saying is I’ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room….
My mind is exceptionally quiet…I’m suspicious that I’m up to something I don’t want myself to know about.
The officer said, “You’re staggering.”
I said, “You’re quite handsome yourself.”
We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
And that’s it for today. May you all have a wonderful week! Until we meet again!
Love your toilet paper comment. A couple of years ago, for our family Christmas party, where everyone brings a gift and the gift game is played; my husband decided to unroll a role of toilet paper, then roll it back up, laying one hundred dollar bills in it as he did. This is the poem (I know, it’s not well done!) that went with the gift:
The economy fell,
inflation raised it’s head
Once was backed by gold,
Now the dollar is dead
It costs more for the paper
and the ink to print it
so what’s it worth?
Not one little bit
You used to get a lot
shopping with a buck
Take it shopping now?
What a schmuck!
often called ones,
Are now only good
to wipe your bums
When on the toilet
you sit and squat,
Roll out a one spot.
As the paper rolls,
up comes a bill,
Don’t get excited,
don’t get a thrill
Don’t think it’s a find
now you’ve got cash,
Figure it’s just paper,
use it to wipe your ass.
Not worth the paper its printed on,
It’s not really a Green-back
So be smart with your money
And leave with a clean crack.
It may have been a groaner but I do believe I heard some chuckles after they read the BEE STORY.. Great blog, funny and very a good way to start a holiday weekend. Wishing you all fun in the sun as we say goodbye to summer.