My fellow campers,
I’m sorry to say that it will probably be several weeks before you start getting issues like you are used to, with lots of commentary from me. I’m a lone government servant working by myself doing the job of three people. As long as it ends up getting me the promotion … then it will all be worth it. Well, at least right now it will be. If it keeps up too much longer than who knows.
Anyway, let’s laugh, shall we?
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that your are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” – William Gibson
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.
Finally, he said, “OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your husband.”
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, Bill, you can relax. There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”
DO YOU EVER LOOK AT ALL YOUR KIDS AND THINK…
THAT ONE will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
THAT ONE will be paying for it.
THAT ONE will visit me the most.
And THAT ONE? He’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
BRAINS ARE AWESOME!!!!
I wish everyone had one.
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I look for my phone while holding it in my hand.
Ate a box of THIN MINTS, didn’t get thinner.
I don’t think they work.
A Police Officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten”.
I asked my grandpa, “After 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s the secret?”
He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m too afraid to ask her.”
Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake…
I went to the Psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot!!
The Secret of Enjoying a Good Wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
If God Was a Woman
1. Sex would smell like chocolate.
2. Farts would smell like roses.
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.
4. Babies would come from vending machines.
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.
6. All women would have the same size breasts.
7. There would be no cellulite.
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.
9. Men would be born with an “OFF” switch.
10. There would be no “Hooters”.
11. A man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife.
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.
That’s just wrong on so many levels.
Sadly, we must end today’s short issue with a life lesson and three examples of stupidity…
Cheers dear friends!