Yes, yes, yes, it’s been a bad week. 

But, I gotta say one thing.

Not no…Not hell no…but FUCK NO!!!

I think the clutch has gone out in my butt…

Because I can’t get my ass in gear!!

Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat and you are unaware of what year you’re in.  

If you answer the phone with “Hello!  You’re on the air!”, most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

My alone time is sometimes for your safety.

Coffee…the WD-40 of adulthood.

Lead me not into temptation…

Oh hell…. Just follow me, I know a shortcut.

Okay, so of these are pretty old, some of these are pretty bad, but some of them are funny.

Blonde MEN Jokes

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine..”
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.” The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
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A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. “Here boy!” he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blond replies. “It should be around your neck” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

Mrs. Dragon agrees with this one…

90% of being married is just shouting “what?” from other rooms.

George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.” Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.” George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.   “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.   Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..”

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too…I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her…what does she look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”

That’s it for today my friends.

Be well, until next time.

Impish Dragon