As I’m writing this mid afternoon on Monday we’re experiencing a summer cold front here finally. In Texan speak this means we’re seeing low 90s with 50 to 60% humidity and a heat index of about 8 to 10. While still warm its better than the 110+ with the afternoon heat index we were seeing for the last 2 weeks. However the cold front also means scattered showers and T-storms are a daily occurrence most of the week. Hopefully this will relax the ground enough to avoid a repeat of the Memorial Day flooding when we get the rain forecast for Thursday when our temp dips to 89.
After that though we’ll be right back to more of this:
Also as you can see I’m back from hiding from Impish, or at least Mr. Green is. Seems the Council that runs D.R.A.G.O.N. as well as Mr. Green has gotten riled up over some world event(s) they are deeming unacceptable to allow to pass without some grand gesture of (hopefully comedic) retribution on our part. More on this later however. For the moment:
And the Leprechaun said…
Let there be coffee.
Let it be hot as Hades
and dark as the moonless night.
Let it revive flagging weary sprits
and warm the cockles of the heart.
Be it of comfort and solace
in times of angst and quiet desperation.
Let those whom partake choose between
black and bitter as the heart of a scorned woman
or as light and sweet as the smile of a lover.
Let those of true wisdom refuse any of the impostors
Lattes, Machacados, Americanos, Cappuccinos.
Finally let it set those of courage, resolve
and strength of conviction apart from the
Starbucks and tea drinking pansies of the world.
Triple Digit Heat Indexes Suck!
COME ON CHRISTMAS!
The Top 5 Surprising Terms of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Divorce
Kermit and Miss Piggy from The Muppets announced that they are getting a divorce.
- She gets the lillypad in San Diego, while he keeps the pigsty in South Dakota.
- Kermit’s alimony payments will be based on the monthly Iowa Pork Futures Market Report.
- Kermit agrees to pay the outlandish fees for Miss Piggy’s personal trainer because no one knows more about pig skin fitness except Tom Brady.
- While in public. on-record discourse regarding intimate relations, all parties are expressly forbidden from using the phrase “tastes like chicken.”
And the Number One Surprising Term of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Divorce…
- Legal fees are to be paid from sponsorship revenues provided by the letters F and U and the number 86.
This raccoon really loves milk
Was William Shakespeare a stoner?
By Mairi Mackay, CNN Updated 1817 GMT (0117 HKT) August 10, 2015
London (CNN)Was playwright William Shakespeare stoned when he penned masterpieces like “Hamlet” and “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”?
New correspondence published in the South African Journal of Science highlights how an analysis of residue found in early 17th-century tobacco pipes excavated in Stratford-upon-Avon, central England, found indications of cannabis and nicotine. The report, which was first published in 2001, said that several of the pipes came from Shakespeare’s garden.
A kind of cocaine derived from coca leaves was also found in two samples — although neither of those were from the playwright’s property.
The report did not claim to have proof that the Bard smoked cannabis or even that the pipes found in his garden belonged to him.
But author Professor Francis Thackeray, from the Evolutionary Studies Institute at University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa, still speculates that cannabis could have been a source of inspiration for the Bard.
In this month’s journal, he references a line from Shakespeare’s Sonnet 76 that mentions “invention in a noted weed.”
He told CNN via email Monday: “I think that Shakespeare was playing with words and (it) is probably a cryptic reference to cannabis.”
Shakespeare could have enjoyed “the noted weed” for creative writing because it had mind-stimulating properties, he added.
If true, Shakespeare would join a long and illustrious list of writers from Byron to Hunter S. Thompson who have been inspired by drugs.
The study included 24 pipe fragments: cannabis was indicated in eight samples — four of which came from Shakespeare’s garden — nicotine in one sample, and “definite evidence” for Peruvian cocaine from coca leaves in two samples.
In Shakespeare’s time, various plants were smoked in clay pipes.
In 1597, the botanist John Gerard described a number of different kinds of tobacco in “Herbal,” a botanical encyclopedia.
References include the tobacco plant, nicotania, which the explorer Sir Walter Raleigh is credited with bringing to England from Virginia.
The encyclopedia also describe a special kind of tobacco from Peru — “the henbane of Peru” — which is likely to be cocaine derived from smoking coca leaves, according to Thackeray.
Another explorer, Sir Francis Drake could have brought coca leaves to England after visiting Peru in 1597, notes the botanical encyclopedia.
Shakespeare additionally wrote about “compounds strange,” in Sonnet 76, which may have been a reference to cocaine, said Thackeray in his email to CNN.
Cannabis had been condemned by the church before Shakespeare’s time. “Writers who were explicit about Cannabis could have their books burnt,” Thackeray added.
Makes 4 servings
It’s best to prepare this salad in advance because the ingredients soften slightly and the flavors nicely blend when it is refrigerated for about an hour. For non-vegetarians, omit the soy nuts and serve the coleslaw as a summer accompaniment to grilled fish.
For the Dressing
¼ cup fresh orange juice
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
2 tablespoons dark (Asian) sesame oil
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon honey
2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh ginger
½ teaspoon Tabasco sauce, or to taste
1/8 teaspoon pepper, or to taste
For the Coleslaw
6 cups coleslaw
½ red bell pepper, cut into ¼-inch strips
½ green bell pepper, cut into ¼-inch strips
½ cup red onion in ¼-inch strips
4 green onions, thinly sliced
½ cup roasted, salted soy nuts
Whisk together the dressing ingredients in a medium bowl.
Add the slaw ingredients and toss until evenly combined.
Navy: No Charges Against Officer for Weapons Violations in Attack
Stars and Stripes | Aug 06, 2015 | by By Tara Copp
WASHINGTON — Lt. Cmdr. Tim White, the Navy officer who fired a sidearm in defense during the attack on Navy Operational Support Center in Chattanooga, Tenn., will not face charges, an official familiar with the investigation told Stars and Stripes on Wednesday.
White was reported to be one of two service members carrying sidearms at the time of the attack, which could have led to charges. The Department of Defense prohibits all military personnel other than security forces from carrying arms while on base unless they are in a combat zone.
The Navy is still investigating the shooting, where a lone gunman attacked two separate military facilities. The shootings resulted in the deaths of four Marines and one sailor.
Last week, the Navy countered reports that White would be charged, which spurred a national backlash. “At this time we can confirm no service member has been charged with an offense,” the Navy said in a statement.
It also faced a backlash over why troops at “soft” military targets such as recruiting centers — which are often in easy-to-reach places like shopping malls — were not allowed to carry weapons, and Secretary of Defense Ash Carter directed a review to determine how security at these types of facilities could be improved.
Man hates Obama, loves stealing vibrators.
An Illinois man has been arrested following an incident in which he tried to steal a vibrator from a sex shop, and, when confronted, tried to blame it all on President Obama.
According to Orland Park Patch, it was just another day at the Lover’s Lane sex shop when an employee noticed “a man walking around the store with a vibrator stuffed down his pants.” (It’s not known at this time whether the vibrator was switched on.) The employee called the cops, who arrived to find him leaving “with a large bulge in his pants.”
When the cops asked what he was packing in there, the man — later identified as Christopher Hucko, 44 — replied obscenely, or at least that’s what one might assume from the fact that much of his reply is “blacked out” in the police report. What’s not blacked out is that Hucko stated “he had a tattoo of a cherry on his penis and asked me if I wanted to see it.”
When the cops searched him and found the stolen goods, he feigned surprise that his pants contained anything but a tattooed dick.
The officer “searched the front of (Hucko’s) pants and under his boxers was a pink ‘G-Spot Delight’ vibrator, which I then removed,” the report said. “I asked Christopher how that got there, to which he replied that he had no idea.”
But it was not until police arrested him and took him to jail that his full motives began to emerge. What seemed like a petty marital aid theft was actually an act of civil disobedience against the forces of bourgeois democracy as symbolized by our oligarchy’s current figurehead:
“While in the cell, Christopher stripped completely naked and would not put his clothes back on,” police said. He reportedly agreed to speak to officers without a lawyer present but merely “proceeded to make comments about his political views and derogatory comments about President Obama.”
When he was asked to sign a form, police said, Hucko put “his name as ‘Obama is a criminal.’”
Makes you wonder what it really was they blacked out in that police report. Wake up, people.
Man has flashlight-like object surgically removed from ass after karaoke bar argument.
A man with the surname Cai checked into the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangzhou’s University of Chinese Medicine in, you guessed it, Guangzhou had an object resembling a flashlight jammed so far up his ass that it required extensive surgery to get it out.
According to Shanghaiist, the object was inserted so deeply that doctors couldn’t just pull it out. They had to surgically remove it through Cai’s abdomen.
“He is in stable condition and will remain in observation for two days to monitor for intestinal bleeding,” Sun Feng, Cai’s attending doctor, told Global Times. “In the past 10 years, the last time I saw such a large object stuck in an anus was a cucumber, in a chef’s anus.”
Good to know.
The object is about 10 inches long with a near inch radius. The Global Times reported that the object may have found its way up Cai’s ass during a family dispute at a karaoke bar. However, Cai isn’t saying shit one way or another.
Hey, we’ve all gotten mad when our song got skipped at karaoke.
Ted Cruz to give ‘courage’ award to man who gave adopted daughters to molester because ‘demons’
Anti-choicers are a curious bunch. They’re gravely concerned for the well-being of fetuses when they’re just clumps of cells clinging to the wall of a uterus, yet as soon as they’re out of the womb, they can go fuck themselves. Oh, did you want to eat lunch at school today? Get a damn job, etc.
The latest example of this phenomenon is the curious case of Ted Cruz and Arkansas state rep Justin Harris. Cruz plans to present Harris and another state rep, Charlene Fite, the Family Council’s “courage award” for their work on legislation that breaks down that pesky wall between church and state and protects “life” by forcing women to carry pregnancies to term against their will. (Note: This group also fights to legally suppress the rights of LGBT people, because of course it does.) Via the Arkansas Times:
The group’s press release say Fite and Harris “demonstrated courage by standing strong in faith when situations were tough at the State Capitol and they did so with grace. They are consistently models of their Christian values in their homes, their communities, and their churches.” It commends the two lawmakers for their work on legislation regarding abortion.
In addition to violating the human rights of women, Harris was recently embroiled in controversy after he “re-homed” two of his adopted daughters with Eric Cameron Francis, a man who ended up sexually abusing one of them, after Harris and his wife grew convinced that they were possessed by demons. This happened after he put pressure on the DHS to let him adopt them in the first place.
The Arkansas Times has a long, detailed, and disturbing report about it, but basically, Harris and his cuckoo bird of a wife adopted three little girls who’d already suffered childhood sexual abuse. They did this despite being advised they weren’t equipped to handle kids with these kinds of problems. Witnesses like the Harrises’ babysitter told the paper that the Harrises began behaving abusively towards the girls after they became convinced that they were possessed by demons, locking one of the girls in her room nearly all the time and watching her with on a closed-circuit camera. They even allegedly hired an exorcist to try to cast their demons out. (The Harrises deny this.) They also accused one of the girls of killing a guinea pig, an accusation others dispute.
When they got sick of trying to cure these traumatized kids’ problems via hocus pocus, they handed them off informally to Eric and Stacey Francis. How courageous. (Fun fact: You can’t even adopt a cat from most shelters without signing a form saying you won’t do this.) Their new dad ended up raping one of the girls and is now in prison for his crime. This directly inspired Arkansas lawmakers to make a law turning that type of unsupervised “re-homing” into a felony. There have been many calls for Harris’ resignation.
When asked if he had any reservations about giving the award to Harris, Cruz replied, “None whatsoever, because the award is specifically for his sponsorship of one of the pro-life bills passed during the session … These awards are given to lawmakers for their sponsorship of specific legislation. That’s it.”
The girls have all since been adopted by people who believe in modern therapeutic techniques and are reportedly doing much better.
Donald Trump & Tomi Lahren: 2 Blondes with a Tan, Ready to Tell it Like it is!
As I mentioned last week, it’s not just Black lives that matter but all lives contrary to the racist attitude of those who protest the deaths of Black criminals at the hands of police whom they are attacking threatening or otherwise disobeying and causing to fear for their lives. Now the police of one Texas town have gone viral in their attempt to make this very point.
‘Lives Matter’ message from Texas police officers going viral
Trinity Police Department/Facebook
TRINITY, Texas –
A photo of two Texas police officers is going viral.
The Trinity Police Department posted a photo on its Facebook page of Chief Steven Jones and Officer Donald Givens with “His Life Matters” written on their hands with the hashtag #AllLivesMatter.
According to a Trinity TV station, the image was first shared on May 6, but it didn’t gain traction online until the American Conservatives of Color shared it on Monday.
Mrs. Dragon you have my deepest sympathies for Cupid being such an asshat.
Since not all of you are enjoying Impish and my shared delusional story I have elected to move it in my issues to after my closing graphic where you may choose to skip it easily without it impeding your enjoyment of the issue. I feel certain that Impish will adopt this idea as well since it currently represents the best of all the possible options we have come up with &/or discussed so far.
As Impish was ruminating on his on the unfairness of an easily aroused, wanton and eager virgin that his health insurance didn’t cover the damage he’d receive from partaking of his increasing grump thoughts are suddenly irrupted by a tingling in places he’s unaccustomed to feeling a tingle in- his earlobes.
This sensation abruptly ceases and is replaced by a well modulated voice.
“Net Call! Net Call! Priority Message follows: All currently unassigned field agents are to report to D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ with all assigned gear, weapons and specialized transportation immediately! This is not a drill! All training, leaves and specialized schooling is hereby canceled for the duration of this emergency. Any agent unable to report within 4 hours should call control with your eta. Message ends.”
Impish stands unmoving and mouth agape shocked by what he’s just heard when he feels a much more pronounced tingle in his earlobes bordering on a shock followed by the gruff words of Mr. Red “Don’t stand there with your mouth open like a Gecko waiting to catch a fly, like the man said, grab your gear and haul tail”
“Umm there’s a problem with that Mr. Red.”
“Well since I’m currently the entire P.I.T. Resolution Department, I guess you’d better tell me what it is. Possibly the lingering effects from all those impacts to your head today making you unable to fly?”
“No sir I’ve suffered worse face planting on landings. I’m ahh…not sure where the vehicle that’s supposed to be assigned to me is exactly. She umm…sort of drove off on her own maybe a week ago. I figured Mr. Green had her doing something or being outfitted with some new gadget so I didn’t really make a big deal of it.”
“You mean you were so busy… screwing off and shirking your duties… that you didn’t notice and when you did you figured you’d get a tail’s worth of butt chewing for not noticing sooner.”
“I uhh… that is…it’s not like I used or saw her everyday. I mean
it she doesn’t exactly blend in!”
“Stow it. Someone will address that with you later rest assured. As for right now, why aren’t you waddling anyplace and top jiggle still ?”
Impish realizes with a start that somehow Mr. Red is able to discern his movements from a distance, or in this case lack of any.
“Uh moving now sir, but there is a second problem, I’m not sure where the HQ is anymore. I mean I know where I met Mr. Green several times but when I went looking for him, ah to discuss important business there, the entrance to the cavern is no longer there”
“You’re transportation will know where it’s going, C2B2 is 5 minutes out from your location and will take 10 minutes to turn around and full arm in her garage bay. Should you become separated from her on the way here, call in for steering cues and navigation information will be supplied via your earrings.”
“Understood. Blue out.”
“One more thing Blue, I’ve been handed a note from Green to caution you against stowaway passengers. The message specifically reads ‘No incidents of stowaway passengers like last time will be tolerated. Suggest if the problem presents itself you use pocket 4 of your vest, specifically the tube with the green and yellow cap but make sure not to get any on your vest or self.”
“Don’t worry its non lethal and not even really incapacitating really. Probably actually make you some brownie points with the Ninja Cat Clan if you’re forced to use it. However if you hurry they are all probably still sleeping off their sardine feast and you can avoid any sort of issues which might futher delay you all togeather so put a wiggle in it Jello Butt. Red out.”
Impish shuffles at maximum waddle into his outer office rushing past November who seems to be excitedly riding something that looks like a saddle that’s buzzing behind Terrance’s desk heading right into his office.
“Mr. Dragon wait! Your messages! I really need to discuss some things with you…maybe we could have a dictation session?”
“Uhh… well (Impish swallows suddenly as an image of a very angry Friday and her electric axe pop into his head) Sorry November all that is going to have to wait.I..uhh…had a brilliant idea for my next issue…killer stuff and I need to get it all down before I forget. No interruptions whatsoever, especially not from any of the Ninja Cats. Clear? In fact just keep doing what ever you’re currently doing then take the rest of the day off when you’re finish or exhausted or sated whichever cums..ahh happens first ok? Gotta go!”
November who seems to be now breathing in little gasps and having some difficulty concentrating barely manages to get out
“Ah! Ah! Yes Sir. OH GOD YESSS! Thhhank you sir!” Before Impish slams and locks his door.
Inside He hastily dons his vest, starting towards his private exit before stopping. “No she might hear me leave and try to catch me before I can catch an elevator or I might run into Brutus, Chai or SC. They see my vest they’re going to know something’s a foot. Best I take my emergency exit.”
Impish touches one of the pockets high on the front of his vest, the patio’s French doors swing open and a section of marble railing retracts to ground level. Impish walks up to the edge and before stepping off into mid air says “Subbasement 2 Garage level please!” then plummets from sight as the railing returns to normal height as the patio doors close and lock themselves.
The doors are no sooner closed than they reopen then Big Blue lands on the patio mumbling to himself “Wow that was close! Almost forgot the Sonombulizer. I’m already under enough scrutiny and apparently pushed my luck just about as far as I dare with that little green Napoleon- don’t need him to make me look stupid in front of all of D.R.A.G.O.N. too!”
He hastily opens a desk drawer with his tongue print, grabs the weapon, secures it inside his vest, steps back onto the patio, and proceeds to again jump over the edge as the Patio doors close. Instead of the traditional ‘Geerronamo!’ You hear ‘Obama’s approval raaaatttiiing!’ as he plummets downwards.
Moments later he wings his way (literally) into C2B2’s garage where she is busily being attended to behind a pair of large dressing screen by at least 2 mechanics and several ordinance handlers. A grizzled barrel of a man with a cork clamped between his teeth where a cigar would be looks up from his clipboard, scowls at Big Blue and pointing at him sounds off like a Drill Sargent at a recruit. “You! Not even a smoke tendril out of you got it? This stuff is supposed to be failsafe and fool proof but my money is on fools like you finding new ways to make bad things happen. Stand there w/o your trap shut and don’t move. She’ll be dressed and decked out with the whole 9 yards in 5 more minutes. We’re having issues with Ninja Cats trying to hide in her weapons bays. You think them fish breathed furballs knew something big was up. We sent for some vinegar to spray them down with to keep them out.”
Impish says nothing but reaches into his vest coming out with one of Lethal’s cigars and the vial Mr. Green had Mr. Red suggest to him. Saying nothing he extends them to the grizzled supervisor who grunts, unwraps the cigar clamping it in the corner of his mouth in place of the cork saying “Dis I know what to do with but what do I do wid but what’s dis other stuff? I ain’t no stoner! Can’t be around no ordinance and be a stoner Really fast recipe for serious unpleasantness dat is!”
Impish casually says “ No you ain’t a stoner, but them cats are…or will be soon. Just put an empty box on one of those ordinance wagons, then have someone open the cargo elevator door and stand ready. You pop the top off that vial- don’t spill any, and toss it in the box. When the box is full of cats you shove it on the elevator. Have the standing by guy ready to press 8 and shut to door fast as he can.”
Old grizzly look at Impish for a minute blinking, suddenly he breaks into a grin of comprehension and shouts out the appropriate instructions. Thirty seconds later, amidst much laughter, the loud angry indignant protestation of several Ninja Cats can be heard receding as the elevator rises with them inside it on the way to the office level. Impish texts Friday & No-name alerting them to the impending arrival of a box load of catnipped up Ninja kitties.
Moments after Chitty Chitty Bang Bang emerges from behind the dressing screens. “So sorry to have kept you waiting, but I do believe whom ever said I could be ready in 10 minutes has never had to wait on a woman getting ready in their life. Shall we Mr. Blue? I do believe we’re under a bit of a deadline and my past experience tells me if we want a position near the front of the pack we should make a good showing of our travel time.”
Big Blue gets the ordinance handlers to help him remove, carefully fold and securely stow his vest as well as the Sonombulizer as he transforms back into his Impish form and climbs aboard sitting in the back seat of C2B2.
“I like a man who is secure enough in his manhood to allow a woman to drive!”
“Actually I’m planning on stretching out for a nap. I’ve had a long hard day already and a bit of a headache. Besides you supposedly already know where we are going, I don’t and I hate asking for directions so let’s be off. Like you said tick tock and all that.”
Blue manages a decent two hour nap for being in a car and airborne. He wakes feeling refreshed and thirsty. As he kneels on the rear seat reaching for the tailgate hamper on Chitty’s rear bumper he calls over his shoulder “Hey Bang-bang Baby! Are we dere yet? How much longer?” With a deliberate lurch that forces Mr. Blue to sit rather awkwardly to avoid falling out all together, C2B2 rather venomously responds, “I’ve told you before, it’s C2B2 to you or Miss Chitty or Ma’am you blue winged snake with legs.”
Manners. Maketh. Man. You’d do well to remember that, especially around me Agent 44DD!
Should I remind you that I didn’t come equipped with seatbelts? Or perhaps you’d prefer a practical demonstration? It would save both D.R.A.G.O.N and you the embarrassment of your being captured and tortured by those manner-less, morally deficient, heathens from ISIS before they beheaded you.”
“Tortured and beheaded? By ISIS? Where did that threat come from? You harboring sympathies D.R.A.GO.N. missed?”
“You don’t know? Those Islamic Sheetheaded Inbred Sociopaths (ISIS acronym’s real meaning) have really gone overboard and gotten totally out of hand in the last week. Their Hackers Division outed the Names, identities and personal info including addresses and phone numbers of over 1400 US Military personnel and their families plus the names of all the employees of the New York & New Jersey Port Authorities and hung targets on their backs by calling for their followers in all countries to act on and kill those named.
They’ve started taking a page from Saddam’s son Chemical Ali’s play book as well. They’ve recently gassed noncombatant Kurds on at least two separate occasions using Chlorine and Mustard gas.”
“Wow! That put those Kurds…in a bad whey doesn’t it.? HEY! Whaat the….. HOLY SHIT!!!! CHITTTYYY!”
C2B2’s snap barrel roll in response to Blue’s extremely poor taste pun momentarily has him doing an upside-down handstand over the skies of the Dakota Badlands. “I warned you about my lack of seat belts and that pun was not only bad, but in poor taste even for you. You should have been ashamed that you even thought of it but I knew you wouldn’t be.”
“I’m sorry ok? It’s been a hell of a day so far. I’ve had a no notice visitation from a Demon Prince who screwed the barrel of a cannon into my nose to gain my compliance with liberties to be taken upon my person, I’m nervous about what we’re getting into as this is my first Net Call – Report to HQ fully geared up since I joined D.R.A.G.O.N. and I don’t know what to expect. When I’m scared and/or nervous I try for a little levity usually with a couple puns to break the tension ok?”
“Got it all out of your system now?”
“Good because there is no humor in going to war with morally bankrupt sociopathic fundamentalist zealots bent of dragging the world back into their vision of the 6th century. Now keep your mouth shut while you think on that for a few minutes. Meanwhile I’ll concentrate on trying to thread the curving needle that is the iris of Teddy Roosevelt’s right eye at high speed in the dark without turning us into a Jackson Pollack wabbe be along the tunnel’s walls.”
“Ulp! you mean we’re going to….”
“Nope I mean we are about to right now because we’re here. Now please cross your fingers toes wings and forked tongue. Oh yeah you might also want to duck pretty low as there isn’t a lot of room in these tunnels but most of all just SHUT UP!”