Dragon Laffs #1448


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Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to another issue of your favorite ezine!

Yes, tis I!  The great and all powerful Oz… or…um…Impish Dragon.  Pay no attention to the dragon behind the curtain.

Okay, so it’s late Friday night and I’m putting this baby to bed.  It will be published in less than 4 hours at the bright time of 0200 hrs Eastern time.  Diaman will be the first to view it, as she normally does (I swear that beautiful woman keeps the oddest of hours) and by this time tomorrow, for most of you, the joy and happiness will be nothing but a memory.  But, I digress.  It’s time to open this baby and get to laughing. 

Warning: Do not attempt to drink hot liquids while reading this ezine for fear of said hot liquid shooting out your nose.

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1495

Little Old Lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?

Woman: I am 86 years old.

D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

D.A.: Did you know him?

Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

D.A.: What happened after he sat down?

Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

D.A.: Did you stop him?

Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.

D.A.: Why not?

Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

D.A.: What happened next?

Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

D.A.: Did you stop him then?

Woman: No, I did not stop him.

D.A.: Why not?

Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

D.A.: What happened next?

Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him…”Take me …young man…Take me!”

D.A.: Did he take you?

Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, “April Fool!”

…And that’s when I shot the little bastard.

 

1496

 

A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the convent door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

 

10

 

On Valentine’s Day before the birth of our first child, I brought a flowering plant home to my pregnant wife.  “They’re mums,” I told her, pleased with my pun. Since it was already a week past her due date, my wife quipped,” “You should have gotten impatiens.”

 

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Dragons play this great game called “Hide-and-Eat”.  Here’s a really good photograph taken at the last annual “Hide-and-Eat” worldwide championships.  The dragon pictured was the all time winner for almost 100 years running.  He was really mad at me when I took the title from him last year.  I caught this picture during one of his rare quadruple baggers.  It was this snag that almost beat me.  Thank goodness for that delay outside the studio where the David Letterman show was having his final show.  I managed to get the first ever Dirty-Dozen in the history of the game.  Those people in line never knew what hit them!  It was their own fault, they shouldn’t have shown up so early.

 

My husband and I were on a flight to San Diego, he on business, me to continue on to El Paso.  As the plane arrived in San Diego, he collected his things, kissed me goodbye and left with the other departing passengers. “That’s sweet,” said the woman sitting next to us. “I always just drop my husband at the curb.”

 

1497

I just got my first utility bill for the new house and I think I need to install the same system.  Holy crap!

 

An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him down to the emergency room. After a while, the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.  “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain dead, but his heart is still beating.” “Oh, dear God,” cried his wife, “We’ve never had a liberal democrat in the family before!”

rimshot

 

1498

 

We visited our newly-married daughter, who was preparing her first Turkey dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink — with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey. Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you ALWAYS did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

 

1499

Here’s a great golf joke for you, Dad:

Worst Foursome in Golf History
 
1. Monica Lewinski
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton
Why, you ask?
1. Monica is a hooker
2. O.J. is a slicer
3. Ted can’t drive over water, and
4. Bill can’t remember which hole he played last

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At our last party, I do believe it was the Independence Day party, we had a lot of things for your kids to do.  This was part of the petting zoo.  Sadly, the unicorn wasn’t around very long since it really didn’t care for the boys and most of the older girls.

 

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
 
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
 
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
 
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

 

1500

That makes perfect sense to me.  He should be left in a completely locked room with a computer that gives him nothing but a 404 error code.

 

I want one!!!!!  This is so cool!

 

1501

 

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word “Washington” from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins”.  
 
It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.
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Okay, here’s one I haven’t featured in a long time…found these videos that show what I used to do for a living:

And then this one shows the gun being loaded:

And what is the final result?:

and this one:

Yeah, I got to play with some really cool toys!

 

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This is a message that was put out by our Security Forces on base:

Community: Phone Calls Allegedly from Indiana State Police are “Spoof” Scam Calls

Indianapolis, IN – The published public phone number of 317-232-8248 for the Indiana State Police General Headquarters in downtown Indianapolis, Indiana is reported to have been spoofed over the last 24 hours.

As defined by TechTarget <http://searchtelecom.techtarget.com/definition/caller-ID-spoofing> , caller ID spoofing is a service that allows a caller to masquerade as someone else by falsifying the number that appears on the recipient’s caller ID display.  Just as e-mail spoofing can make it appear that a message came from any e-mail address the sender chooses, caller ID spoofing can make a call appear to come from any phone number the caller wishes.

People reporting the spoof calls have stated their caller ID displayed the phone number of 317-232-8248 and the person calling identified themselves as being with the Indiana State Police.  From the complaints thus far received, which have been from across the country, it has been reported the caller usually has what is described as “a thick Indian accent” but not necessarily all the time.  The imposter then begins asking for personal identification information or makes threats alleging the person being called will be arrested if they fail to comply with requests made during the phone call.

Fortunately a number of potential victims became suspicious of the call, hung up the phone, and then dialed the number displayed on their caller ID.  This put them in touch with the true Indiana State Police and allowed them to report the criminal action of impersonating a police officer.

Anyone receiving an unsolicited phone call from a person alleging to be a law enforcement officer, or other form of government official should be suspicious of the call if threats of arrest are made or personal information one would not normally provide to a stranger is asked for.  If you are suspicious of a call, and a caller ID number is displayed, you can immediately do one of two things, AFTER YOU HANG UP:

1. Type the phone number into your favorite search engine and you may see the number has been reported as being associated to scam activity.
2. Call back the number displayed to see if it was spoofed and the call will either ring without ever being answered or the true holder of the phone number will answer and you can report the number has been spoofed to the legitimate holder of the phone number

As with past warnings on alleged government representatives calling to threaten immediate jailing for not cooperating with the person calling, please remember to NEVER give personal information to the caller.  Such personal information to never give over the phone to an unverified caller would include:

* Bank Account Numbers
* Social Security Number
* Birth Date
* Credit Card Numbers
* Any other close personal information on yourself or other family members

Regrettably, these scams nearly always trace back to a foreign country and it is virtually impossible to successfully prosecute the persons responsible for these criminal acts.Unfortunately these scams will continue as long as a percentage of the population responds by giving their personal information or sends money to the scammers.

When an unsolicited call comes to your home, business or cell phone and has the common factors of being threatening and demanding money, be assured that 99.9% of the time it is a scam. Just hang-up. They won’t call back. They will just move on to the next call looking for someone to victimize.

 

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Ideas

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If they were mine

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Hmmm, could this be Mr. Blue’s next vehicle?
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Agent 1

Impish jerks his head up, sputtering, “What the hell is … Ugh!  How the heck did I …  WHERE DID THIS COFFEE COME FROM?!” He looks up just in time to see Brutus’s tail disappear into the wall.  “Am I imagining that?” Impish realizes that he must have just witnessed where the Ninja Kitties secret cat door is in the wall.  He goes over to investigate, forgetting, after clamoring to his feet, that his stone floor is slick with coffee and ends up crashing back to the floor, head over heels, smacks his substantial noggin on the equally substantial rock floor and knocks himself back into unconsciousness.

Several hours later, he awakens to more liquid being splashed into his face.  He again, jerks his head up, sputtering, “What the hell!” Only to look up and see the most beautiful pair of legs he’s ever seen.  Slowly raising his eyes upward, following the curve of the well-defined calf muscles, to the adorably cute little knee caps, that transition to the exquisitely shapely thighs that disappear into the bottom of the skirt, revealing an almost perceptible hidden treasure.  His eyes linger only momentarily as they again travel up the shapely outline and overly endowed top half of his new secretary, November.  As he gazes longingly up at her angelic face, in his mind’s eye it changes to that of Friday, repeating those dreaded words his heard so many times now, “If you lay a single hand on her…”

 

Impish struggles to his feet, brushing himself off and hears November say, “I’m so sorry Mr. Dragon, but I had no idea how else to wake you.  I thought you might be dead, but I heard your snores coming through the door and I just HAD to open it and I saw you on the floor, but when I called your name you wouldn’t answer and you were late for work, even later than you usually are for work, so I came looking for you and found you here and….

 

Impish holds up his hand to stop the cascade of words that seem to be erupting from between his temporary secretary’s very attractive lips.  Friday’s words echo again through his mind and he pulls himself together enough to say, “Dear girl, that’s quite alright.  You did the right thing.  Seems I must’ve slipped and knocked myself out somehow last night.” He was not going to mention his late night visitor.

“Do you know if Mr. Leprechaun is back in residence today or not?”

 

“Um, no sir.  I don’t believe he is.”

 

“Well then.  While the cat’s away…”

 

“Sir, I’m afraid that there won’t be any mice playing today.  It’s Friday and the issue goes to press in just a few hours and since your little fall has held you up, unavoidably of course, you still have much to do to finish off the issue.  You remember that you promised to get back to publishing up to your normal stellar quality and you’re running out of time today.”

 

“Wow!  Did someone wind your clock extra tight this morning, November?  You seem to be running in 5th gear.”

 

“Um.  No, sir.  I’m … ah…just feeling a little … um … over excited this morning.”

 

“Again, call me Impish.  Well, let’s see if we can’t get you cooled off a little.  Let’s go up to …”

 

“Oh yes, Impish.  I’d really like to get this excitement taken care of!”

 

Forcibly refusing to rise to the obviously offered tasty morsel, Impish instead says, “Yes…um… quite right.  You run along to the office and I’ll … uh … be right behind your behind … or … um … be right … I’ll catch you … catch UP to you in a few minutes.  Now, run along.”  The last being said as he corralled her out the door, closing it behind her and turning and resting his back against the closed door.  “Holy crap!  I’m dead meat!  I can’t handle this all day.  I’ll slip and Friday will kill me!  I’ve got to do something.”

 

And with that thought, our reluctant hero trots into his bathroom on-suite and plunges into the ice cold pond, where he almost boils the water.

After drying off, getting dressed, dumping a load of ice down the front of his pants, Impish finally felt ready to approach the office.  It was at that time that he looked in the mirror and saw his second earring, and noticed that the first one seemed to be sitting a little differently than it was before.  Wondering how it worked, he began tapping it, squeezing it and saying, “Hello?  Hello?  Mr. Green?  Mr. Gray?  Mr. Red?  Anybody out there?  How do I get this silly thing to work?”

 

“Mr. Blue.  Stop playin’ wid dat new toy of yours.  When you need to talk to sum one, you just say der name and da system automatically alerts dem.  Don’t mean dey’s gonna anser ya, but dat’s alert’s dem.”

 

“Then why didn’t Mr. Green answer me?  I need to talk to him.”

 

“He’s prolly got you shut off.  Just like I’m gonna do right now!”

 

“Thanks Mr. Red…um … Mr. Red?  Are you still there? Mr. Red?  Green?  Damn!  What good is an ear piece if I can’t use it!?

 

Realizing he has no excuse to not go up to his office at this point, he begins to slog his way in that direction, shoulders slumped, resembling more a man on the way to the gallows than one who is headed to his opulent office.  He considers this only momentarily when he realizes that as “excited” as his November is, Friday will probably beat him so badly that he’d wish he was only headed to the gallows.  If he’d only known that he wasn’t going to even make it to his office, and the events that were going to unfold by his chance stop in the coffee room, he’d have gladly put the noose around his own neck.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1448

  1. Ginny says:

    Great issue, I must say, you have awesome toys in the Air Force. Also want to thank everyone
    for the get well wishes when I was sick with a sinus infection. You are all “AWESOME” !

    • impishdragon says:

      Ginny
      You are one of us. We are all family. We will always be with you when sick or well, happy or sad. Thanks for the great words and we’re all glad you are feeling better.
      Impish

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