Dragon Laffs #1449


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Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s that time of year again when we have to pay the bills.  The charges for the website are coming up and we’d like to kindly draw your attention to the donate button to the right of your screen. Any little bit will help and any little bit will allow you to become a patron and enjoy the perks that come along with that.

What kind of perks, you ask?

Well, there is the special seating down front.  Look around you.  These people in the front of the room, with the good seats, table service from our wonderful wait-staff. 

And speaking of which, let’s give a round of applause to the wonderful men and women of FABLE.  Fairy Alcohol, Banquet and Lunch Ensemble.  Aren’t they great? Yes. 

Thank you.

Back to the perks… as well as being served, at your much more comfortable seat, much closer to the stage, you also get much better quality drink and food…again, thanks to FABLE.

You get personal invitations to all the parties, bar-b-ques, orgies, camping trips, etc.  And as Lethal has so excellently shown you over the last several months, you get unlimited use of the special patron’s facilities, including and most especially the new entertainment mountain.

And if you do use those facilities, you are likely to see any number of our staff and patrons in their swim gear.  You can even see these two (pointing to Ginny and Diaman who are, as usual, sitting beside each other, right up front) in their bikinis!  Now, I have to tell you this, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I’ve seen more cloth on half a handkerchief than is what these two call swim wear.  Now, don’t be embarrassed girls, you’re both beautiful and should be proud and show off your … um … attributes.

Yes, I know.  I’ll pay for this later.

I can’t hardly wait!

Anyway, please, do us a favor and donate a little bit so that we can keep up this madness that so many of us have come to rely on over the years for sanity.  Hit the donate link to the right if you’d like to use PayPal, credit card or electronic bank transfer.  If you don’t like those choices and would rather send cash or check, please write to me at ImpishDragon@gmail.com and I’ll happily supply you with Mr. Gray’s address.  For obvious ComSec reasons I can’t divulge that address in this venue.

Okay, so lots of things to get to today, so sit back, relax, grab your coffee and …

Let's Laugh 2

 

With  a very seductive voice a wife asked her  husband,
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband.

She gave him a  sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and  slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, pushup bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. 


He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, “Have  you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave  him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the  floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way !” he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

“Well then, go look in the garage.”

She may have just gotten away with that….nah.

1506

Sounds like the government.  After 4 years of receiving NO annual cost of living increase, we got a 1.5% raise in January.  And they were PROUD of that!  After the cost of living went up over 4% each year, that was almost a slap in the face.

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Hillary Clinton made another of her “Hard Choices” recently, and took a firm political position on ice cream:

Reporter: “What is your favorite ice cream flavor?”
Clinton: “I like nearly everything.”

That prompted a round of Hillary Ice Cream Flavors…

Crookies ‘n Cream
Chunky Ankles
S’more Lies
Vast Right-wing Confectionary
Rocky Marriage Road
Two-Faced Toffee
Blue Dress Mess
Boston Cream Lie
Shred-berry
Pandering Pec

 
But whatever it is, you’re not allowed to have vanilla, because that would be racist.

1507

 

Jean has sent us the perfect idea for any of you who own and love your pets.  What happens to your pets if you get in an accident and no one is left at home to care for them?  Just like putting your emergency information in your wallet where you know the authorities will check, how about adding one of these:
6a

It is an excellent idea.  Thanks, Jean!

 

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Dragons are wonderful and beautiful people.  And I’m not just saying that because I am one.  The majesty of this green can be easily seen in the grace of his stance, the spread and regality of his wings and the treasure he has.  Ah Dragons! 

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is
Archie, down here at Joe’s Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin’ to
tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y’all!”

“Well Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?”

 

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!”

 

Barack paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command.”

 

“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

 

“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.

 

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”

 

President Obama sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke.”

 

“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

 

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

 

Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed
that many prisoners.”

1508

You know, I’ve been accused of the same thing at my house.

 

Now, time for some truth!
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Amen!  In remembrance of a conversation we had at darts last night, the number of people on government support is almost equal to that of those that actually work for a living.  That means that each of us is supporting one other person.  So, since mine is the only paycheck coming into our home, I’m actually supporting six people on it.  Shouldn’t I at least get some sort of tax break for this shit?

 

1 Just thought I’d drop in to give you some late breaking news.  This just in from our correspondent in the field.  Ms. Jean:

Since the press is not covering it much, I’m providing you with a report from the Democrat primary race:

 -The Democrat candidate in first place is under investigation by the FBI.

– The Democrat candidate in second place calls himself a socialist…which by the way means he is more honest than the candidate in first place.

– The Democrat candidate in third place claims that ISIS was caused by climate change, and he apologized for saying that “all lives matter.”

– The Democrat candidate in fourth place thinks that America should be using the Metric System.

And this list doesn’t even include Joe Biden. I hope Biden gets into the race, we need some of his bizarre comments; we don’t have enough of that already.

 

1509

There is definite truth in this cartoon.  People do take themselves too seriously, which, in all essence is what Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs try to deal with every issue.  Sometimes the only way to get through the Bull Shit is to laugh about it.  Sometimes the only way to draw attention to an important issue is to poke fun.  Our goal is to make your life a little more pleasant, a little more aware and a little more easy to deal with.  Laughter and bringing things to your attention will do that.

Won’t you help us to continue to be free?  Every dollar counts in your donation.  Hit the button in the right sidebar to help us out.

 

Here, a wing suit flyer tries a stunt a little too difficult for him to accomplish.  Check it out on this video entitled: Wing suiter meets his Maker.

 

I love this one…it’s so apropos:

6d

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”

“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

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A very nice pencil drawing done by one of our students.  It’s a picture of Me and Diaman.  I think she captured my inner beauty.

 

Drunk Lethal Leprechaun: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”
Drunk Impish Dragon: “What’s that mean?”
“It’s an Irish toast.”
“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
“Huh?”
“That’s French toast.”

1510

Another golf joke for Papa Dragon Most Senior:

A guy and his wife are out golfing one day when they come up to the hardest hole on the course; it goes way downhill and you can’t quite see where your drive goes.
 
So they tee off and walk down the hill and, lo and behold, this guy’s ball is right in front of a big barn. The couple looks it over, and the wife says, ‘You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.’
 
The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
 
A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies.
 
They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, ‘You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.’
 
The guy replies, ‘Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.’

1511

Pay your taxes and smile:

Follow these proven steps.
1. Don’t get married to her.
2. Always use your mom’s address to get mail.
3. The guy buys a house.
4. Guy rents out house to his girlfriend who has 2 of his kids.
5. Section 8 will pay $900 a month for a 3 bedroom home.
6. Girlfriend signs up for Obamacare so guy doesn’t have to pay  for family insurance.
7. Girlfriend gets to go to college for free being a single mother
8. Girlfriend gets $600 a month for food stamps
9. Girlfriend gets free cell phone
10. Girlfriend get free utilities.
11. Guy moves into home but continues to use moms house to get mail sent to.
12. Girlfriend claims one kid and guy claims one kid on taxes. Now you both get to claim head of house hold at $1800 credit.
13. Girlfriend gets disability for being “crazy” or having a “bad back” at $1800 a month and never has to work again.
This plan is perfectly legal and is being executed now by millions of people.
A married couple with a stay at home mom yields $0 dollars.
An unmarried couple with stay at home mom nets.
$21,600 disability +
$10,800 free housing +
$6,000 free obamacare +
6000 free food +
$4,800 free utilities +
$6,000 pell grant money to spend +
$12,000 a year in college tuition free from pell grant +
$8,800 tax benefit for being a single mother =
———
$75,000 a year in benefits
Any idea why the country is 18 + trillion dollars  in debt?
What? No dental plan?

1512

I just had to share this true story from Tom, our Great Northwest Buddy.  Here it is in his own words.  And yes, Tom.  I do believe Murphy was paying you guys a visit at the time.  But thanks for a hilarious story:

The way things are going, one needs a little humor now and then. Lots of jokes are out there but this is a true story. It might be too long to share and it’s up to you. I think it may have something to do with Murphy’s Law;
 
My long time friend John called me the other morning and needed help. He wanted me to replace some broken windows in his house. About a year ago he had me burglar proof his home and I must have done a good job.
He went outside for something and the door closed behind him. It was locked and his keys were in his car in the locked garage. His phone was in the house.
No neighbors seemed to be home so John decided to break into his own house. He tried breaking a window in the kitchen door with a rock and failed. Then he threw a concrete block at the glass patio door and it bounced off. John is 85 years old and a brain cancer survivor.
Next he used a rock and was able to break a small window in his garden shed. He was hoping to get some tools that might help him get into the house. That also failed because he couldn’t reach in there to get anything. He used the rock and broke a window at the side of the garage. By now the temperature here was almost 100 degrees.
 
John got the umbrella from his patio table and used it to try to fish the keys out of his car through the small garage window. It was all he had that was long enough and was working!   He hooked onto the key chain and pulled the key from the ignition. Then, the keys fell off into the back seat. FAIL!
 
A neighbor came home and let John use her phone to call a locksmith. She gave him some ice water and fed him some cold grapes. The locksmith was there for ten minutes and charged him $140.00.
 
I live about a half hour away from John and went there to check on the damage and measure the windows. Then I called a glass shop and ordered the correct size to replace the broken windows. One window was in a metal frame and I repaired it before I took it to my customer. It fit perfect. Then I found that I forgot to bring the glass with me for the garage window. So, I went back home to get my needed part and returned to the now called crime scene. And what happens? The guy had cut the glass wrong and it didn’t fit! After another trip to the glass shop and a tank of gas I got the windows all fixed.
I had to ask John, “Have you ever thought of maybe hiding an extra key outside somewhere?”

But, wouldn’t hiding a key outside kind of defeat the whole burglar proof thing?

 

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Lethal Leprechaun drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

He rushes to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened at his place. He won’t say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“It’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well! It’s certainly a Law of the Universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people to interview you and take photos.”

A rigorous investigation is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop.

The final ruling is negative. It read: “It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Lethal’s room, quite outside the normal run of phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations.

 
In this case we have declared that no miracle occurred, for it possibly resulted from the Leprechaun’s having buttered the toast on the wrong side.

 

1513

 

 

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”  
“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked coyly.
“No,” he said. “But it costs just about as much.”

 

 

1514

 

6e

 

 

1515

 

 

Definitions of Common Tools

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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if this

If you heard my shot

If you heard my shot2

If you see dots

Ikea

I'll get you my pretty

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
 
Lo and behold, that horse – a long shot – won the race.
 
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
 
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
 
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
 
He bet big on it, and it won.
 
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
 
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
 
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
 
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
 
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn’t even finish the race.
 
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
 
Confronting him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!’.
 
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You are not Catholic are you my son?”
 
“No, I’m Jewish”
 
“That’s the problem”, said the Priest,
 
“You couldn’t tell the difference between a blessing and last rites”.
1516

 

 

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There’s a lot of talk lately about building a wall on the southern border and who’s going to pay for it and all kinds of different opinions.  Well, let me present to you an excellent essay on the history of walls and how they’ve played an important part in our world’s history.

History of Border Walls in the U.S. and Around the World

History of Border Walls in the U.S. and Around the World

Much of the 3,000-mile (4,828kilometer) Great Wall of China was constructed during the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644) [see timeline of Chinese history] to prevent attacks from rival forces, although officials as early as the fifth century BCE also built sections of this and other walls.

The Roman Empire was protected by natural barriers, including rivers in Europe and the Sahara Desert in North Africa. However, when the Roman Emperor Hadrian (76-138CE) visited Britain in 122 CE, he ordered a stone wall built to protect this more vulnerable northern boundary. Hadrian’s Wall stretched across England for over 73 miles (117 kilometers) and was as thick as 10 feet (3 meters). [See list of Roman emperors]

During World War II, the Nazis forced hundreds of thousands of Polish Jews into a small area of Warsaw and contained them with a wall. Within the walled territory, which was known as the Warsaw Ghetto, disease, starvation, and other pitiful conditions spread. The Warsaw Ghetto became a symbol of severe repression throughout the world during the mid-twentieth century.

The 96-mile (154-kilometer), nearly 12-foot (3.6-meter) high Berlin Wall built in 1961 by the communist German Democratic Republic (GDR) divided East Berlin from West Berlin. The wall effectively prevented most citizens in the East from defecting to the West until 1989, when the Cold War ended and the wall was demolished.

In 1986, Congress passed, and President Reagan signed the Immigration Reform and Control Act (IRCA), granting lawful permanent residence to 2.7 million people. Instead of ending the flow of illegal immigration, it actually caused a brief spike, as family members of the newly legal residents entered the country illegally. Within a decade, the number of illegal immigrants was back to more than five million.

In 1990, the United States constructed a 66-mile (106-kilometer) fence along the California coast from San Diego to the Pacific Ocean to deter illegal immigration. Arrests of illegal immigrants in the San Diego region declined sharply as a result of the fence, but increased nearly 600 percent in Arizona, where the number of accidental deaths also climbed as Mexicans attempted to traverse the harsh desert environment.

In 1996, President Bill Clinton signed the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act. The act increased fines for illegal aliens, provided additional funding for border patrol and surveillance, and also approved the installation of an additional 14-mile (22-kilometer) fence near San Diego. Some landowners in Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas erected their own fences, often with the help of militia, but no permanent barrier had been constructed by the government in these areas until recently.

The Secure Fence Act, signed by President George W. Bush in 2006, promised 700 miles (1,126 kilometers) of fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border; however, lawsuits and protests from citizen groups halted construction. The Sierra Club and Defenders of Wildlife filed a lawsuit challenging the ability of the Bush administration to waive important environmental regulations in order to build the wall on the San Pedro Riparian National Conservation Area in Arizona. These regulations include the Endangered Species Act, the Clean Water Act, and the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. In October 2007, a U.S. district court sided with the organizations and stopped construction.

Many members of the Tohono O’odham Nation in Arizona also protest a section of the barrier being built on their reservation, especially since they claim they were not first consulted by the Bush administration. The Tohono O’odham have members who live on each side of the border and consider both countries their home. They value the ability to cross the border unimpeded, but also express frustration at the problems that illegal immigrants bring to their reservation. Bodies are found almost daily, as people die from exposure to the harsh desert climate or are killed by smugglers.

A virtual wall may offer a compromise for some residents who live along the border; such a wall was among the requests put forth by Representative Raúl Grijalva (D-AZ), who introduced the Borderlands Conservation and Security Act (HR 2593) in 2007. The bill would mitigate some of problems cited by critics of the Secure Fence Act.

Virtual walls are not without controversy. Some Americans who live in areas in which high-tech surveillance is used complain of the invasion of privacy caused by cameras and other equipment, and safety issues related to using laser, radar, and biometric technology.

and there you have it.  How about hitting that donation button and dropping a couple of bucks our way.  You know you want to keep us on the air, so just do it. 

Until we meet again next week.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1449

  1. Jeannie says:

    Whoo Hoo! I really enjoyed this issue! I especially liked Tom’s adventure!! hahaha

  2. Ginny says:

    Well I made my yearly donation to be up front with my pal Diaman. You really do want to be up front for each issue, the seating is so plush, the food has been prepared to perfection, the drink service has anything you could possibly desire. Where else can you be entertained weekly and for their many special events with just a small donation. Keep in mind your donation is just to keep the issues free, Impish and Lethal work very hard to keep us laughing for NADA…Zip and Zilch. Show how much you appreciate them with your donation…..PRETTY PLEASE!

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