Dragon Laffs #1445

I’m so embarrassed.

I had nothing but the best intentions.

But, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This was supposed to be my wiz-bang, stupendous, super colossal, “we’re finally in our new home” issue. But, although we are in our house, we’re not really IN our house. If you know what I mean. We are covered in boxes. Plus, not everything is even removed from the old house yet.

Have I ever mentioned to you guys how I HATE to move?

Yes?

Once or twice you say?

Okay. Well, look. Today is Wednesday and I’ve just gotten this week’s issue started. So, let’s jump into the laughs and I’ll add some more of my wit and wisdom throughout.

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if expecting bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT.

Speaking of cats.

When this photo was submitted it was signed:

Sincerely,

The Dog

“Did you hear what happened today?” Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

“Hear what?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.

“The regional vice president died this morning!”

“What?!” I asked, totally stunned. “What happened?”

“He was working through lunch

when he had a heart attack,” Jim began explaining. “Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.”

“Boy do I. She’s that hot, young blonde babe.”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Turns out she isn’t too smart.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He kept yelling at her to ‘call 911.’ She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”

This is our guidance counselor for the school. He has the ability to look into the future and see what classes best suit the student for his future career. When the Whelpling saw him, he was given classes on geography and auto mechanics. Now he’s a truck driver.

You have reached the breast self-examination hotline. Please press 1 now. Now press the other one. ~Author Unknown

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram?” Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. ~Jan King

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~Carrie Snow

You ever wonder how we get more space around here when we need it. This is one of our maintenance people creating some new rooms by ripping open a portal to another dimension. After that, she will stabilize it and then other workers can come in and finish the rooms off. When they are done, you wont even be able to tell where you cross into the dimension.

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ~Erma Bombeck

You would be amazed at how often that happens around here.

This is a great essay by Tomi Lahren on One America News Network (OAN)

More golf stuff for my dad and any other putters out there:

Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime to use as the marker.

This economic model is also used by the governments.

This is a great little spot on the “Death of the Red Baron”. Thanks to Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, for sending this one along.

Well, it’s Friday night, after ten and I’ve not got this finished AND I have to work in the morning.

Sigh

We still aren’t completely moved in. But, we will be done by Sunday or I’m just gonna quit!

Plus, Mrs. Dragon’s family is supposed to arrive next Saturday for a little get together. This ought to be fun.

Anyway, I’ll end this with a couple of more funnies and hope and pray to do a better job next week. Enjoy your weekend folks and let’s all meet here again on Wednesday.

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had

sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

Thanks to Jean for this one. As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect ending for this issue…

I am sorry that I have not been very responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.

January 2015 – Doctors at the CDC released a statement disclosing a new disease that has already infected over half of the United States and is anticipated to continue to spread. The disease itself affects the cells of a person’s entire body then goes dormant. The disease ravages the body and leaves serious side effects. These side effects have been labeled as PIST-AWF.

Symptoms include:

* Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing your president pander to Muslim terrorists.

* Uncontrollable heartburn and/or heart palpitations at 8:00 PM during the O’Reilly factor.

* Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.

* Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

* Bleeding from the eyes. This is not Ebola. It is your eyes reacting to accidentally flipping to a channel that shows Al Sharpton as a legitimate news show host.

Since the disease consumes the entire body, every infected person is then identified as the disease itself.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure. It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016 — that is if the people that are sick of this administration will get out and vote.

2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1445

Ginny says:

July 25, 2015 at 03:20

Considering your move to the new house, you put out a great issue! Nothing worse then packing your “STUFF” and then finding a new place to put your ‘STUFF’ in your new house. The end is near, go soak in the pool after work with a cold beer. Enjoy your weekend!

lethalleprechaun says:

July 25, 2015 at 02:17

Dude I ahve no idea why you think stepping on a single Corn Flake makes you a Cereal killer at this late date. YOu’ve been killing cereral by the boxful for DECADES!

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