As you approach the Conference Room you can clearly hear Impish bellowing angrily, “Don’t hand me that ‘I’m sorry Impish but I don’t know where he’s gone off to’ crap! I swear you tell me that one more time and you’ll find yourself on my lunch menu! That Green Garden Gnome shorted my pay check 25% and I’m damned well going to speak with him about it and right about now I don’t care whose dead body it takes to accomplish it Friday, yours included. I’m too busy with my other real life concerns to have to pay attention to this.”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz… ZOT!… wizz…ZOT!…sizzle…SNICK…hisss>

“OW! SHIT! That HURT! What the hell was that! Ewww! What’s that nasty smell? OH. MUH. GAWD! Where are my forelimb claws?”

You can hear but not make out a soft spoken feminine voice speaking low but pointedly to Impish for a few seconds then Impish speaking again, abet in much different tone.

“Friday I’m very sorry I’ve made you angry, I very much regret having spoken to you in that tone and manner. You are quite right I really don’t need both you and Lethal mad at me and the thought of you as my enemy does give me cause for concern. It’s just that I have so much going on right now in my other life… “ (you hear Friday say something softly interrupting Impish’s litany of excuses for his behavior but can’t make it out.) ” IT IS NOT A DELUSION OR POINTLESS BULLSHIT! Even if it was, Lethal has no right to reduce my salary without prior notice. If funds are that tight that we’re both taking salary hits to pay the rest of the employees, I understand but I should have been informed face to face or at least gotten a memo….”

(You hear Friday interrupt him again but can’t make out the words. Then again maybe you don’t need to as Impish has seems to have suddenly become a parrot.)

“Clause 44, Subparagraph 5 of my contract? Allows for docking my pay when I’m excessively goldbricking for a prolonged period of time? Graduated scale? Delayed invoking it? Seriously?! Behavior  going all the way back to my intervention?! RETROACTIVE?!

Look I know my rights according to our Partnership Contract and I say we are in disagreement and I DEMAND an IMMEADIATE Partners Meeting! Now you get your brainy buxom self where ever the hell it is you have to go and get that little Green Gold mongering Gremlin on the horn and tell him he is DAMN WELL TAKING MY CALL!”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz… ZOT!… wizz…ZOT!…sizzle…SNICK…hisss>

“OW! #$&*! MY HORNS! YOU SHORTENED MY HORNS!” <Wizz…wizz…sizzle> “TERRANCE! You just going to stand there with your mouth open while she carves me up?”

“Sorry Boss but one, I never actually saw her move and two, I’m paralyzed with either a serious case of laser saber envy or fear I can’t tell which. Besides she did warn you not to speak to her in that tone again or you’d suffer the consequences. Well you did it anyway and I see about 3 inches of consequences on the floor still smoking as proof she’s serious, to say nothing of damned fast. As in way faster than I am. On top of which I’m pretty sure Trolls don’t regenerate damage done by one of those and I’m in no particular hurry to learn if I’m right or wrong.”

<sizzle…SNICK…hisss> Again Friday speaks so softly the conversation is unintelligible but this time you can detect a certain level of distain in her vocal cadence.

“He Skypes with you using one time IP proxies?I knew he’d never completely turn his back on the place, in fact I counted on it! But how does he know when to start a session? How does he know you need to talk to him? You write him a note? GREAT! Where do you send it? You walk around with it? Friday is your corset too tight? That’s the most insane thing I’ve ever…NO! NO! NO! I’m SORRY! There is NO NEED for the laser saber to make another appearance PLEASE! Come on, even you have to admit that is the craziest thing… you can prove it? HOW? What are you writing there? A note for me? What does it say?

‘I’m demanding an immediate Partners Meeting so I can whine and bitch about my pay cut and you’re not being here to pull my slack?’ How about we just go with “Lethal I want to talk with you NOW!?’ Not as likely to work as if I’m being humiliatingly honest with myself? SIGH! OK. What do I do with it? Wear one on my chest and back and go the long way back to my office? You’re kidding right?”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz…>  NO! NO! NO! I’m SORRY! There is NO NEED for the laser saber to make another appearance PLEASE! <sizzle…SNICK…hisss>   Geeze! What’s the deal? Are you PMSing or something? Channeling Lethal’s aggression toward me when I frustrate him? Trying to get rid of me? WHY? Start the issue? What iss…OH! Umm…there is a conference room full of people behind me isn’t there? Been there through most of this haven’t they? Uhhh…guess good thing I’m taking the long way back. Think I’ll start now.

Let’s go Terrance you big laser pussy! I guess you’d better tape those signs on me before we go too.

Now pay attention when Lethal calls, here is what we’re going to do, there is more than one way to locate that miserly little shoe elf…”

Impish and Terrance disappear off stage in the direction of the freight elevator. Once gone Friday looks at you people and spreads her hand apologetically, smiles and clicks some control on the podium before exiting herself as the lights dim.

Always liked that Inigo Montoya guy! He really understands what is important in life, family, a good weapon you have serious mad skillz with and an man’s coffee. Wonder if HE is available for a sidekick posting?

Dragons and Liberals at the head of the line please and give me just a minute to don my sap glove!

It seems as though Impish has my yacht and plane watched because he immediately calls and pawns his issue off on me or begs for help with it any time I even look like I might be leaving to get a little well deserved rest.  So here’s the Vehicle I used to sneak away leave Mr. Goldbrick responsible for business for a while before he could come up with anymore bloody excuses and bs sob stories.

The Terrafugia TF-X™

Shower thoughts that’ll boggle your mind!

See I wasn’t kidding! I know the thought of her joining you in the shower has already boggled most of the guys’ minds around here. Impish is already sporting that 1000 yard lust stare on his face.

Canadians Version of David Letterman’s Top 10

This is so sad; we’ve gone from a proud, strong country to a laughing stock of the world.  Just makes you want to shake your head in disbelief, and, just maybe choke someone in charge.Of course we look like idiots – we are!

Canada’s Top Ten List of America ‘s Stupidity.

# 10: Only in America … could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event.

 # 09: Only in America… could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanic

# 08: Only in America… could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

# 07; Only in America… can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

# 06: Only in America… would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens. (Probably should be number one)

# 05: Only in America … could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be called EXTREMISTS

# 04: Only in America … could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

# 03: Only in America … could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

# 02: Only in America… could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

# 01: Only in America…. could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Bonus: “Only in America do you have to pass a drug test to get a pay check, yet any crack head can get their welfare check no questions asked.”

I’m sure someone is wondering what happens if you do not abide by the Cat’s 10 Commandments. Here’s your answer-

You heard of b-slapping? Well this is claw/paw slapping. It’s one of the reasons Impish is so scared of Ninja Cats. Speaking of the gold brick…

Impish’s ancestor?

A new large species of raptor was uncovered in the Liaoning Province of China by a local farmer. The Liaoning Province is a hotbed for raptor fossils. This raptor has been named Zhenyuanlong suni and was about 5 feet in length. In case you want to learn a little Chinese, the ‘long’ in this raptor’s name means ‘dragon’. Scientists called it the “fluffy feathered poodle from hell.”

Now I’m not sayin’ it is and I won’t say it isn’t one of Impish’s ancestors. I’ll just point out all the blue, mention it was allegedly a rare color in mammals and dinosaurs in prehistoric eras and allow you to draw your own conclusions.

63 Years of Math 1957-2020 In America: The evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s

1.  Teaching Math in 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2.  Teaching Math in 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3.  Teaching Math in 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?

4.  Teaching Math in 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5.  Teaching Math in 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)

6.  Teaching Math in 2000s

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background,
then don’t answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.

7.  Teaching Math in 2020

Un hachero vende una carrtada de madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la
producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

The Top 5 Features of a REALLY Smart Phone

5> Is able to convince the police that while YOU may be drunk,
   IT was, in fact, driving your car.

4> Can actually tell which Olsen twin is Mary Kate and which is
   Ashley.

3> Wingman App: You stammer, “Hi… umm… you’re cutely pretty.
   I mean, pretty cute.” It translates to “Your beauty has
   rendered my owner nearly speechless. You really should
   kiss him before he says something else really stupid.”

2> Refuses to let you buy a ticket to Dane Cook performances.

and The Number 1 Feature of a REALLY Smart Phone…

1> Posts a status update of “I’m the idiot on the interstate
    texting on my phone and driving!” to Facebook when, in fact,
    you are.

British humour as it used to be : Absolutely and unapologetically politically incorrect.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some ‘Tide’ washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

————————————————————————-

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London … Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

————————————————————————-

Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.

Many are drug dealers.

————————————————————————-

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

————————————————————————-

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.  Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

————————————————————————-

They’ve had to cancel the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.  Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.

————————————————————————-

Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”  But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!

————————————————————————-

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

————————————————————————-
During last night’s high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.   A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

————————————————————————-

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

————————————————————————-

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low.

————————————————————————-

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.  I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who fucked her and ran.
Now she goes to the park every day.

There’ a starlet who’s still in her teens
Who’s adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures’ obscenes.

When asked to do something salacious,
She answered, “Of course not! Good gracious!”
But the sight of his tool
So induced her to drool
That her view, in the end, proved fallacious.

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
Jeered she, “Shift your whopper,
You careless limb lopper!
That’s a moss covered knothole — not me!”

You’re about to get up and leave when Friday’s image pops on the screen and she speaks to you:

“Lethal just sent me this video file. It appears to be from cameras in Impish’s office but I doubt Impish is aware of them. I thought since you people were held captive for the opening act of this farce you should at least get to see the comical ending to it. Enjoy!”

The screen flickers a moment and there is now a high sort of 3rd person aspect shot of Impish’s office taken from someplace behind and above him seated at his desk. Terrance walks in to Impish’s office after knocking.

“Make it fast Terrance I’ve got to go meet the witch from the property management company and turn over the keys to my former real life place, then go shopping for some curtains for the new place because the old one clash with the new wall colors and….”

“Yeah yeah yeah what ever deluded dude… uh Impish… uh Boss. Sorry. Uh..anyways I did like you said.”

“And…”

“You ain’t going to be a happy dragon sir.”

With which part?

“Uh..both?”

“SAY WHAT?! You couldn’t find the location from that Skype still I took? SERIOUSLY? How is that even possible?! Hell there was even a street number in one of the photos. Lethal told me that the software had access to photographs of 97.5% of the major population centers of the world!”

“Oh I found it sir. even confirmed it. Matched it against the exact same photo online 100% identical match. That’s the problem sir, it was a 100% match which is statistically impossible. Any slight variation in camera height, position, distance from background, will all cause the match to be something less than 100% but this was a true 100% match.”

“I don’t follow, even I could tell the location was in England and someplace fairly expensive. So what’s the big deal? Gimme the location I’ll zip over grab up his green little ass take him on a flight he’ll never forget and tell him I’ll drop him if he doesn’t come up with the rest of my money and stop having this little temper tantrum of his over my having other priorities in the real world.”

“Sir as the best paralegal advice you’ll get in the absence of Lethal’s lawyerly advice might I urge you in the strongest permissible terms to stop making loud public references to this other life of yours? It’s for you own sake and with your best interests in mind I make this suggestion.

Secondly, sir the address 11 Savile Row London has nothing in common with the photo that you grabbed from the Skype session with Lethal. In short sir. you’ve been hosed, hoodwinked, short conned, taken for the fool you are, how ever you wish it phrased, Lethal has out witted you again.”

“But you said you had a 100% match! How can that be then?”

“Yes sir I said I matched the picture but not I wasn’t able to match up the location to more than 50%.”

“Terrance you’re starting to confuse me annoy me and make me late for my appointment! All this is making me PECKISH!”

“OK, let’s try this with photos instead of words sir. This is the photo from your conversation with Lethal:”

“Right that’s the place! How hard can it be to find?”

“Sir THIS is how 11 Savile Row London appears on Google Maps taken in June of this year:

“Well that looks nothing like the place! Are you sure that’s right?”

“Very sir. Perhaps this photo will help explain. I’m sure you’ll remember this one. If you’ll just take a moment to compare it with the first photo I’m sure all will become clear.”

“ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT LITTLE CONNAMARA CONMAN GREEN SCREENED ME FLAUNTING IT RIGHT IN MY FACE WHILE HE WAS DOING IT TO ME AND I FELL FOR IT?”

“ I’m afraid so sir, and that’s not the worst of it. Not only did he use throw away IP Proxies,  but when I back traced the IP number he used because I thought I recognized it as one of ours, I found it was the one assigned to that antique car you recently acquired. So I went down to see if he’d installed a piggyback on it or something and well…”

“What, he’s using my own damned car against me?”

“Honestly sir I couldn’t tell you. I went like I said but the bay is empty. In fact maintenance was asking if they could use the bay as the car’s been gone well over a week.”

The sound suddenly mutes Impish’s reply as the message scrolls >>Prolonged string of expletives & profane terroristic threats against Lethal Leprechaun have been censored to maintain our PG Rating.<<

“I’m glad you took that so well sir because there is that other thing you asked me to look into. Regarding Clause 44 of the Partner’s Agreement?”

“Okay…gimme a second please.” <Impish turns around and opens the French Doors to his private balcony and steps outside. Then camera’s point of view suddenly shift 180 degrees so you are now looking from high above the front of his desk out the French Doors. Nervously and with furtive glances at the door leading back to the outer office Terrance moves to the side of Impish’s desk so that Impish can hear him from out on the terrace.> “You may continue now Terrance.”

“Yes sir. Regarding my review of Clause 44 subsections 1 through 7, it’s my interpretation sir that Lethal was in fact correct in his imposing a financial sanction on you. Further unless our interpretations of your uhh…work output differ substantially in several areas sir, I think he went easy one you.”

“Went easy on me? He docked me 25% of my pay! ME! The <multiple expletives deleted> FOUNDER, CEO AND PUBLIC FACE OF THIS COMPANY! Wait! Isn’t there something in there about earned time off, personal days, vacation time and sick days?”

“Yes sir there is but…”

Well why the hell don’t you just go back file for some of my lost time with those so I can get my 25 % reinstated? DO I have to think of everything around here? I’m moving a family buying curtains driving stuff around on a rented trailer in a car that likes to throw belts while I do it…”

“PLEASE SIR! WILL YOU STFU ABOUT THAT SHIT! There has already talk about putting you back in that padded cell at the Hokey Pokey Clinic. This time sir it will be an involuntary open ended stay because you’ll be judged not only incompetent but delusional and outright nucking futz!

I CAN NOT file for anymore paid time off for you because your in the red 30 days already when it comes to that! Now before you explode let me caution you about Clause 44 Subsection 7 which is going to come into effect very soon unless I miss my guess.”

“Pffft! The Hokey Pokey Clinic! Lethal latest big stick threat. Well I broke out once I can do it again…wait! Clause 44 Subsection 7? Isn’t that the one about forced buy out of a Partner no longer acting in the best interest of the company?”

“Yes sir it is. And unless I miss my guess your about 2 weeks from ticking off all the boxes in the reasons to invoke it given your current behavior and work ethic. When I say ticking off all the boxes please understand I do me ALL the boxes. Lethal could technically do it tomorrow if he wanted to but judging by the contract and his actions to date he’s either showing restraint out of his friendship with you OR he’s feeding you rope to hang yourself with which you keep wrapping around your neck with blithe indifference. It’s going to basically be impossible given your recent track record of distractions and shirking of your corporate duties to legally protest the decision if and when he makes it. I suspect more emphasis is on the when than the if, given your present stubborn mental course to Fantasy Island and outright refusal to take any advice about it sir to be frankly honest.”

“So they all think I’ve gone full goose honking bozo? Really? Are you sure? Do you have any idea why?

“Look, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but you’re my boss and I sort of like you. When you’re actually here, both physically and mentally you can be a fun guy to be around. I’m doing this because I really want to see you get the help you need and come back to us 100%. I know the whole Pie Addiction Intervention was probably pretty hard on you and Lethal tends to have a Napoleon Complex about getting his way and getting things done around here. I get that its stressful and you need to have some refuge from that stress but to totally forgo reality? Frankly that’s a bit much sir even for a dragon.

Anyway a couple times I came to your door and I heard you talking but I knew there couldn’t be anyone in the room with you because you had said you were tired from everything going on in your…you know… and were going to take a nap.

When I listened to try and figure out who it was and how long to give you before I came back I could only hear your voice and you were talking to someone named Mr. Gray. When I checked the phones none of the lines to your office were lit. Since you had left your cellphone with me to answer so you wouldn’t be disturbed. I thought you might be in the process of replacing me or that this might have to do with that super secret hush hush business you and Lethal have going on on the side. You know the one you return from a lot of times worse for wear with that weird vest of many pockets on. So I asked Friday about it. When I did she turned this weird color of pale green and practically put me in an arm bar then dragged me into Lethal’s office and made me tell him what I had heard. Lethal looked really sick by the time he stopped asking me questions too. Just like you are starting to now.

Then he told me that I would always have a job here as long as I kept my eyes and ear open and my tongue between my teeth unless I was telling him what my eye and ears had learned. He ushered me out of his office and told Friday he was going to the special section of the garage. The section where you kept that antique car up until about a week ago.

Friday told me to go back to my desk and act like nothing was wrong or she’d see to it the only time Wednesday stopped by for pizza and video game night was when she was PMSing and wanting to beat the living hell out of something.

Now if you’ll excuse me sir, I have to go clean out my desk and update both my resume and will. I’m sure as soon as Friday &/or Lethal get wind of the fact I’ve told you this and violated their terms of my continued employment that No Name will come to see me and I’ll be needing one or the other of those documents rather quickly.”

“Don’t worry Terrance, I’ll square things with Lethal & Friday, or at least see that you get a decent severance package and a good letter of recommendation. This is all my fault and if there is one thing that Lethal understands, always admires and approves of its loyalty- even if its not to him.”

“Thank you sir, but as things stand at the moment, I don’t think Lethal would trust you to square a corner with him. Good Luck sir.”

<Terrance leaves the room on somewhat wobbly legs clearly relieved to be leaving at all. Impish stands with his back to the camera a moment longer before gouting out a stream of flame with a roar of frustration>

“Damned voice in my head. Damned stubborn Leprechaun.  Shit!  I’m going to be late! Damned Property Management Company witch!”

<Impish wings off disappearing from camera view and the picture irises down to a black screen. A message to Friday starts to appear apparently from Lethal but the screen goes totally blank before you can read all of it. You only manage to catch the first couple lines:

 It appears the element of surprise has been lost to us, exactly as we expected.  Apprise the capture team to stand ready at a moments notice. Unfortunately it is likely we will have to employ drastic measures to resolve this situation.

Friday, I want you….