Dragon Laffs #1216


dragon laffs

Warning2Good Morning Campers!  Welcome to Tuesday!  And welcome to the latest edition of our favorite e-zine! 

Here’s our latest polling data.  We have 416 regular subscribers and about 200 people who just read the blog on the net for a total of around 600 people a day who view our product.

But….we really aren’t getting the recognition that is our due, so here’s what I want you all to do.  Send this link: http://dragonlaffs.com to two of your favorite people in the whole world and tell them how much you enjoy our e-zine. 

A substantial savings will be awarded to each Moneycamper who brings at least two more campers with him to the wonderful world of Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs; 10% of your subscription price will be refunded to you, but not only that! 

There’s even more!  For every new camper you bring in beyond the first two, an additional money waving5% of your subscription price will be refunded!  That means, that every person who brings in 20 new campers will receive 100% of the price they paid for their subscription to Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs refunded to them! 

But wait! 

money wavingWe’re going to sweeten the deal just a tiny bit more.  For those of you who DO bring 20 new campers to our little party, we’ll throw in an additional year’s subscription at no additional price! 

Can you imagine that? 

Two whole years of Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs, a priceless value, yours FREE! dollar-sign

So?  What are you waiting for?  Act now and save!

I know!  I know!  I can hear you now, “But Impish, I didn’t pay ANYTHING for my subscription to Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs, how can you refund me back what I didn’t pay?”

And folks, that’s the most wonderful part of the whole deal!  It cost you a whopping nothing, zero, nada, zilch to start your day the very best way possible (okay, so maybe the second best way…the first best way would be to have breakfast served on the naked bodies of …) um…. like I said, the very best way possible and if you bring in 20 new people you get EVERY BIT OF IT BACK!  Yes sirree!

A 100% refund! 

How can you possibly go wrong?

What have you got to lose?

Okay, enough of that, now, on to the show!!

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461

Even sheep need a night out without the constant nagging.

Here’s one that was sent in by my Dad.  Thanks Dad!

These are possibly the 5 best  sentences you’ll ever read:
1. You cannot legislate the poor into  prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one  person receives without working for, another person must work for without  receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the  government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply  wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they  do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and  when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

And yes, I know we’ve seen some of those before, but you will admit that they are worth repeating!

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Now, how about a couple of puns from our Mistress of puns herself, Diaman:DragonPapa1 (134)  He can flawlessly set up a tent. He has perfect pitch.

Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don’t want to press your luck!

And I’m not really sure if this next is a pun or just an outright groaner…on second thought, it’s a groaner, because that’s what I did as soon as I heard this one:

A guy meets a cute girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation. Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening
later, he asks her to come back to his apartment.
In no time, they are in the throws of passion, tearing off each others’ clothes.  His manhood at full attention, he has just her socks and panties to go before reaching the promised land.When he pulls off her socks he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes.
She explains that she lost them after having been unprotected in freezing weather, and they were amputated due to frostbite.  462
This immediately causes him to lose his erection and to have no desire to continue with his love making.  No longer the least bit interested in continuing, he apologizes to her and rushes to get her dressed and out of his house.
As she was a real beauty and he couldn’t wait to mount her, the event really bothers him so he visits his doctor and relates what happened.Upon finishing his story, the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says
“Nothing to fret about.  It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant.”

Yeah, I can hear you groaning too!

Well, let’s not stop there, let’s throw in another really bad groaner…. this one comes to us from our dear camper friend Stephanie:

It was very windy, and sh463e was only six years old and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her over.
Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket. “I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk,” her mother said. “What in the world are you doing?”
The child replied, “Now? I weigh me down to sweep.”

I know…. truly awful.  I’m very sorry, but you must understand that we only give out what we get in.

How to avoid getting hit by a train.  Pretty neat video.  http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/avoid-hit-train/464

For you non-millionaires out there, or perhaps you are a millionaire and just prefer to do your sight-seeing from your computer at home, here’s a GREAT site to see all the GREAT sights.  You can literally sit here for hours and travel the world.  If it doesn’t come out in English, click the translate button at the upper right.  ENJOY! (Thanks to our dear camper friend Lynn for pointing out this site of sights)!  http://www.wondersoftheworld.tv/

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And here’s a groaner from a new one on the Groaner-Circuit, Lynn!  Thanks Lynn!

I’ve been to a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognizes you there.. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an 1airport… you have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.

 

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We here at Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs like to get all simperish and sobby like little girls…. okay, well maybe just me…anyway, this next one is great!  We love showing loved ones coming home from the war and surprising their families.  Watch and enjoy!  What?  You mean you can’t see it?  Well, go to the website like you should and read the issue there! http://dragonlaffs.com For crying-out-loud!

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.motivat

go to sleep
Motivational Careers
Motivational cassette tape fossil

 

 

 

We were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”
       This is what I said:  “I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated.  I think maybe we’re here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.465
       “We’re here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, twenty minutes after we pulled into the garage.
       “We’re here to look all over, give up, and then find the ball in the hole.
       “We’re here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt, and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
       “We’re here to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing, and still call it a perfect morning.
       “We’re here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away.
     466  “We’re here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.
       “I don’t think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. 
       “We’re here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist.
       “And especially when he doesn’t.
       “I don’t think we’re here to make SportsCenter.  The really good stuff never does.  Like finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont’s back roads.
       “None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the Hibbings account.’
       “We’re going to say, ‘That scar?  I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!’
       “See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him.  We’re not here to find a way to heaven.  The way is heaven.
       “Does that answer your question, son?”
       And he said, “Not really, Dad.”
       I asked, “No?”
       He said, “No, what I meant is, why we are here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?”

467

Bush to be honored by the Obama Administration

The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States.
 
It has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault-line in the
tectonic area beneath Haiti after him.
 
(Yes, there is such a board, created in 1890 and updated in 1947.)

The area will now officially be referred to as “Bush’s Fault”

468 playing outside

 

Now, here’s a bunch of kids playing outside.  It’s so good to see that not everyone let’s their kids sit in the house and play on the computer or play video games all day.  They really need to go outside and get some exercise.  I’m proud of these parents for making their kids do the right thing.

ENGLISH FOR TOURISTS

In a Bangkok temple: “IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.”

Cocktail lounge, Norway: “LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”

At a Budapest zoo: “PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.”

Doctors office, Rome: “SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: “THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.”

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: “DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: “CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”

On the grounds of a private school: “NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.”

On an Athi River highway: “TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”

On a poster at Kencom: “ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.”

In a City restaurant: “OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings: “MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.”

write to usA sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: “DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”

In a Pumwani maternity ward: “NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.”

In a cemetery: “PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: “GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.”

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”

In a Tokyo bar: “SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.”

Hotel brochure, Italy: “THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.”

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: “THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.”

Hotel elevator, Paris: “PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.”

Hotel, Yugoslavia: “THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”

Hotel, Japan: “YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.”

Taken from a menu, Poland: “SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.”

Supermarket, Hong Kong: “FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.”

From the “Soviet Weekly”: “THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.”

In an East African newspaper: “A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.”

Hotel, Vienna: “IN CASE OF FIRE , DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.”

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: “IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.”

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.” WTF

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.”

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: “TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.” w27

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: “WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?”

In the window on a Swedish furrier: “FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.”

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: “GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.”
w28

In a Swiss mountain inn: “SPECIAL TODAY — NO ICE-CREAM.”

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: “WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.”

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: “IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.”

A laundry in Rome: “LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.”

w29

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, ‘Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.’

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. ‘Been on holiday yet, lads?’

‘Off to England next month,’ says John. ‘We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?’ Jim agrees.

‘Ah, England !’ says the bartender. ‘Wonderful Country … the history, the beer, the culture….’

‘Nah, we don’t like that British crap,’ says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh, Jim? And we can’t stand the English; they’re so 469arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.’

‘So why keep going to England ?’ asks the bartender.

‘It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive…

 

 

last word3

I just love the lame attempts at spreading viruses that abound in the mail.  Even my anti-virus software didn’t think it was much of a threat.  It moved the email to my junk folder and than give it this little tiny warning, like it was almost embarrassed to overstate the obvious:

3aAttachment contains a virus
An attachment to this message contains a virus and has been removed.

Come on….seriously?  You really think the IRS is going to contact me through email?  Through my Impish Dragon account? Really?  Let’s look at this crappy little joke of an email, shall we:

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Department of Treasury Internal Revenue Source

Important information about your tax return (It’s almost July …. my tax return was filled out in January… you’re just a little behind the curve here fellas)

We are unable to process your tax return (Oh really?  Are you going back in time to take it all back?)

 

We recived (that’s received, genius!) your tax return. However, we are unable to process the return as field. (What the hell is a “return as” field?)

Our records indicate that the person identifiedas (probably supposed to be identified and as, two separate words) the primary taxpayer or spouse on the tax return did not provided all the required documents shown on the tax form. Our records are based on information received from the Social Security Administration.

Based on this information, the tax account for the individual has been locked (oh goodie!  Does that mean that I will never have to pay any more taxes to my locked account?)

What you need to do

Print out the attached notification (you mean the attached notification that my anti-virus program said was a virus?  That attached notification?) and list of missing documents, fill it in, add the documents and send the following information to the adress (Do I really think the real IRS wouldn’t know how to spell “address”? Okay, “received” I can almost believe, you know the whole “i  before e, except after c” thing, but I’m pretty sure “address” would be one that they wouldn’t have such difficulty with) shown in the attached notification.

List of required documents:

1. A copy of this letter

2. Notification letter (again, that would be the one with the virus?)

3. A photocopy of valid U.S. Federal or State Government issued identification. (Hmm, that must be the problem.  I can’t remember ever sending my government issued identification to the IRS…other than, you know, my whole social security number thingy.)

Keep this notice for your records. If you need assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact us (by return email perhaps?  Oh, I know….they must’ve just forgot to put the contact information on there.  I’ll do my homework and check the I.P. address in the email header and use one of MANY I.P. look up tools available on the internet….let’s see …. okay, there’s the contact information …. wait a minute!  Boy, I tell you what!  I’m so steamed!  That damn Obama has outsourced the IRS to Poland!  That’s right.  This email came from Warsaw, Poland!  Bastards!  No wonder honest Americans can’t find jobs anymore…. they’re all being outsourced to places like Poland and India!  Geez!)

What our little tongue-in-cheek lesson in email today should have taught you is that:

  1. Get good anti-virus software on your computer and keep it up to date (although I’m pretty sure even crappy anti-virus software would’ve caught this dog).
  2. Use a tiny bit of common sense…the IRS is NOT going to contact you by email, neither is UPS to tell you that they couldn’t deliver a package (another one I’ve gotten quite a bit lately).
  3. If something looks suspicious and you don’t know who it’s from, or don’t believe it could be from someone it says it is (you are NOT the lucky recipient of the winning lottery numbers) don’t open it.  Just delete it.

Now, go have fun with the rest of your day!

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