I have another thank you to start this issue with. Thanks to Michael F for his kind donation that came in Monday morning. Thank you so very much my friend. Your generosity is deeply appreciated.

Dumpster is supposed to be delivered today, which should be step one in the great fence replacement caper. You know I’m going to take pictures, right? You should see those on Monday’s issue.

So, in the mean time, let’s get to the laughter so we can move on to the good stuff.

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. 

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.” 

A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. 

So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. 

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. 

As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. 

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! 

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. 

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. 

He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. 

He asked, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?” 

The Saudi replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?” 

The Russian said, “Excuse me, but what is meat?”

The North Korean replied, “Excuse me, but what is an opinion?” 

The New Yorker replied, “What is ‘excuse me’?”

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

– last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

Every one of these is absolutely true!!! Being a former bomb troop, I can verify some of them myself and the rest through experience and logic!

MILITARY WISDOM

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. 
That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
 -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance. 

“Aim towards the Enemy.”  -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
  -U.S. Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. 
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” 
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
   -Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” 
-U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
 -Gen. Mac Arthur

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
        -Infantry Journal

“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” 
    -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.”
-U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”  -Infantry Journal 

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” 
-U. S Navy Swabbie

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
            -David Hackworth 

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” 
            -Infantry Journal

“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
      -Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”  -Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
      -Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
           -Your Buddies 

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
    -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

“Kevin, how come you’re using two caddies today?”

“Cause my wife tells me that I don’t spend enough time with my kids.” 

“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor.”

“Why on earth did you get married?”

“I suppose it was the old business of  ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply. 

“He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

Yeah, I got that one!

Just a plain and simple Amen.

Lampner’s Law of Employment: 

When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. 

When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. 

And that’s it my dear friends. Until next we meet, …