Good morning campers.
I’m happy to report I am more or less back up and about as my normal cranky self except for a persistent and pesky low grade fever that comes and goes on a whim.
Impish scared the hell out of me when I opened DragonLaffs yesterday, his Jackson Pollack approach to the issue had me thinking my fever had spiked and I was delusional!
Regardless of his layout style however, he was right about us needing you to help us make DragonLaffs grow. However he only gave you the general outline of the picture on the issue of membership numbers and as usual it falls to me to color in between his lines for you. Since I tend to be more of a fan of Edward Hopper than Jackson Pollack maybe you’ll get a clearer picture of why we keep talking about this subject. Look for a detailed explaination on the subject in my Last Word today.
and cream positive!
At school little Johnny learns about medicines.
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol.
Very good ! And what is it used for ?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol. Excellent. And what it is used for ?
To help you sleep.
Now it is little Johnny ‘s turn and he said: Viagra ” Johnny. What is it used for ?”
I think it can be used for diarrhea.Who told you this ?
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father “take a Viagra, maybe
your shit will get harder !”
Humm,,, I should get a couple of those for Impish maybe they would cut down on his grocery bill!
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and Lethal intended to stock up. At the store, however, Lethal was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, Lethal heard the lady butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but…..there were extenuating circumstances.” The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I was curious, so I listened as the lady told her story. “Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”
I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?”
Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two
4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.
“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass
After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”
“OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.
Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed
There are lots of unwritten rules in a civilized society, simple rules that most of us understand and respect to keep life flowing smoothly; rules like “The line forms at the rear” and “No dress ever makes your girlfriend look fat.”
And so it is with public Men’s Rooms. There is an established etiquette most of us pick up instinctively or with some instruction by our father as children. So it was a little surprising when I came across this piece on the Man of the House website.
Is it possible there are men out there who do not know this stuff? Or was this written to give women some insight into why guys never ask each other if they’d like to go to the Men’s Room with them?
Whatever the case, when you’re done reading, guys, are there any other rules the author neglected to include?
And ladies, are there any rules of Women’s Bathroom etiquette? Or is it a free-for-all in there?
7 Rules of Men’s Bathroom Etiquette
By Craig J. Heimbuch
Rule #1 – The Buffer Urinal
What’s more uncomfortable than rubbing elbows with a stranger while standing, legs akimbo to avoid the puddle, at the urinal? This is basic field strategy here guys. Dave Barry covered this years ago. You never, ever, ever, select a urinal directly next to one already in use, not when there’s a choice anyway. If there are three urinals to choose from, pick one on the outside. Leave the center one for the guy who may actually die if he doesn’t get to the bathroom. If the one of the outside ones is in use, choose the one on the opposite end of the bank. If both outside ones are in use and only the center one is available, wait. One of the other guys will be done soon.
Rule #2 – Announce Your Presence
If you are using a stall and have the place to yourself, it’s one thing. But as soon as you hear the door open, you need to make your presence known. Am I suggesting that you say ‘hi’ and introduce yourself? Absolutely not. No way. Instead, do a little cough. A sniff can be mistaken for the shuffling of a shopping bag or a heavy winter parka. Plus, you may not want to be inhaling through your nose. I’m just saying. A cough is more effective, distinct and has the added bonus of being absolutely, 100% impersonal. Let’s remember, you’re in there to get something down, not to make a friend.
Rule #3 – Ignore My Kid
This should go without saying. I shouldn’t even need to put it here, but, inevitably, there is a guy every weekend – at Costco, say – who breaks this cardinal rule and feels the need to comment about the fact that my kid either a) really has to go or B) “made it.” This second one is especially creepy. It implies the guy was monitoring my kid’s transaction somehow and is especially creepy when accompanied by a groan, the kind someone does as they stretch in the morning. My kids are my business. I don’t like the idea that they need to be in the men’s room. I’d rather use the family bathroom, but it seems like it is always taken when I need it the most. My children will have enough reason for emotional scarring. They don’t need Old Man Winter making a comment regarding their “pee-pee.”
Rule #4 – No Eye Contact, No Talking
Okay, I have had exactly one interesting conversation with a stranger in a public restroom. It was at a grocery store. He was old, a WWII vet who was waiting for his meds. He seemed a bit lost and confused and began talking to me as I was washing my hands. But that one incident does not make it okay to speak with or look directly at another man in the men’s room. It’s never okay. Don’t be the guy who walks into the bathroom and tries to strike up a conversation or says something like, “Whew, it smells like Big Foot’s tomb in here!” Even if it were funny, the situation does not call for comedy. If there is, for some extreme reason, an occasion that necessitates inter-personal communication, eye contact is strictly prohibited. Stand, stock still, eyes forward like a Marine on inspection. When entering and exiting, keep your eyes down. When standing at the sink, it’s okay to look at yourself in the mirror, but absolutely never should peeking at your neighbor be allowed. Ever.
Rule #5 – Clean Up After Yourself
If you dribble on the seat, leave a mess of water and soap around the sink or miss the waste basket with an errant paper towel, pick it up. This isn’t elementary school, this is a men’s room. You may be in a huge hurry to get out of there and I understand that, but come on, you’re an adult. Act like it. If you leave drops on the seat or a toilet unflushed, that automatically removes that particular facility from use for at least 10 hours. Have some decency. And while you’re at it, after you rip off some paper towel, wipe the push bar and start the roll out so the next guy can rip a piece directly off. Why should I have to suffer your laziness the next time I go to get some paper towel only to touch an oddly gelatinous coating on the handy push bar? Clean and dry, that’s how you should leave the place. Repeat the backpacker’s mantra to yourself over and over: “Leave no trace. Leave no trace.”
Rule #6 – The Proper Stance
Whether in a stall or at a urinal, keep your stance narrow and your positioning square against the target. In the stall, a wide stance could lead to unexpected touching or, worse in the case of Senator Larry Craig, a political scandal. It’s important at the urinal too. No one wants to touch boots while you’re doing that. And if you stand at an angle, you’re likely to incur civilian backsplash casualties. I shouldn’t have to wear a disposable poncho into the men’s room because you don’t understand that the angle of incident is equal to the angle of reflection. In short: AIM.
Rule #7 – Don’t Linger
I am as guilty as the next guy of spending, perhaps, a bit too long in my bathroom at home. A lot of times, it’s the only time I get to myself to read or get caught up on all the staring and doing nothing I have fallen so far behind on since the kids came along. But, not here, not in the men’s room. Those who linger here are waiting for something. What? A chance to mug someone? A new friend? A visit from aliens? How am I supposed to know? It’s not something I do. When it comes to the men’s room, think about Chile’s. ‘Get in. Get out. Get on with life.’ Put an end to the awkwardness and discomfort. Do your thing and move on. The men’s room is not the place to stop and smell the roses.
Top Ten Reasons Why People Read In The Bathroom
#10 – more socially acceptable than yodeling
#9 – promotes better posture than Barcaloungers
#8 – tank-top tailor-made for bookrack
#7 – no pain-in-the-butt librarian “sssshhhhsshing” you
#6 – kills two birds with one kidney stone
#5 – elastic band around ankles increases blood supply to eyballs
#4 – usually no stranger reading over your shoulder
#3 – keeps mind off irrational fear of snakes inhabiting plumbing fixtures
#2 – unlike reading at the beach, involves no deadly cosmic rays
And the #1 reason why people read in the bathroom…
#1 – good supply of 2-ply bookmarks always close at hand.
Did you ever wonder how old some of your favorite cartoon characters were? Well, here are their real ages. They may surprise you.
Look For Part 2 On Friday!
A jaw-dropping model of San Francisco
You’ve probably made model houses out of popsicle sticks with your children. This man made a model of the entire city of San Francisco . And he decided to use toothpicks. He used more than 100,000 toothpicks, and it took 35 years to build. Not only is it huge, you can take tours using little plastic balls. Prepare to be amazed.
Must be an excerpt from a Congressional Training Video!
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me.
“I had him arrested,” I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked, “Wow…How badly did he play?”
Why We Constantly Talk About Membership Numbers and Ask For Your Help
OR The Color Between ImpishDragon’s Broad Strokes _ An Interpretational Painting by LethalLeprechaun
We are down about 150 readers from our pre-format change from e-zine to blog high point and where we never quite seemed to hit our goal of a thousand daily readers.
We need to continue to grow if we are to continue to improve DragonLaffs. Impish started this with but a handful of readers and because those readers sent the link on to their like minded friends he was able to grow to the point where not only did he need help with DragonLaffs in the form of a resident wise ass curmudgeonly Leprechaun but was able to jump to the next level which was a free blog. Now we need to get that readership number up there as high as possible by spreading the word.
Why you ask – what’s in it for us? Simple. If we can get and maintain an active readership of between One Thousand and Fifteen Hundred readers for 6 months we will start attracting the notice and attention of sponsors. Sponsors like to give things away and there are many blogs out there with contests and giveaways but none like ours. Once we make it through this doorway the giveaways will attract more members themselves which in turn will attract more and bigger sponsor attention which of course means more and bigger giveaways. This means that eventually DL & LL might actually achieve at least self sustainability costs wise and possibly some national recognition.
Self sustainability means that we would be able to migrate the blog to a paid hosting site which would mean we would be able to do more and cooler things in and with the blog for you guys. National recognition means that we continue to grow ands evolve. While personally I would not want this to turn into competition to Jon Stewart’s Daily Show as I doubt neither Impish or are have what that would take physically or humor skills wise (let alone actual looks wise) I would not mind doing a pod cast or satellite radio show a la Imus or a non visual Jon Stewart. Just think if Impish and I are capable of this level of work in our spare moments, what could we do collaborating together full time? OK, I know the thought of Impish focusing his <ahem> ‘mental powers” on anything full time IS an improbable and alien concept but just consider the possibilities for a minute, he MIGHT actually be some undiscovered comedic Dragon equivalent of the Rain Man or something!
The point is NONE of this will ever be possible for us or you with out your help in growing our membership. We can advertise on ad swap places all we want, but then we have to place ads in the blog too. Beside word of mouth advertising has always been proven the best. SO please help us out forward the link to friends and family, where you are able without running afoul of group rules repost and give credit to us. Lets all see how far we can take this shall we?