Well, it’s Saturday.  For you guys, anyway.  When you’re reading this.  For me, it’s Thursday night.  And I’m now starting my weekend.  I have tomorrow off, because I worked all weekend.  I have an eye appointment tomorrow morning that hopefully will go well and then not much to do until Monday.  But for now, not much more to say, so let’s jump right into the fun stuff…

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

Gotta throw this one in here.  Remember this picture from last issue?

And I said it reminded me of something and I couldn’t remember what?  Well, I got a response from Leah!  She said this: 

Right!  And now I remember!  Zelazny is a great author.  One of my all time favorites.

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 check in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

Planning my escape…

How many of you even know what this is in reference to?

The Italian immigrant went to the doctor to complain that he wasn’t sure how to make his new wife pregnant. 

After struggling with language problems, the doctor simplified his advice just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest. 

Two months later, the Italian came back to complain that it didn’t work. “I’ve been sticking my nose in her armpit every night,” he said, “and nothing’s happened.” 

Little Johnny was always afraid to go into dark places. 

One night, his mother asked him to go out to the back porch and get her the broom. 

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there, it’s too dark.” 

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” 

Johnny looks at his mother real hard and asks, “Are you sure he’s out there?” 

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. 

The little boy thought about it for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it open just a little. Peering out into the darkness, he says, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?” 

I have never heard anything so stupidly ridiculous in my entire life!  And I have worked for the Government since 1977.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Man, I love our Ubers!

This next one is from Friggin’ Pete. I truly enjoy his essays and this one is just as good as any of the rest of his.  Also, just as controversial.  So sit back and enjoy.

Well said, my friend.  Well said.

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire. 

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage. 

Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle. 

The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man. 

“Good afternoon, Father,” greeted the stranger. “Can I give you a hand?” 

“Heaven be praised,” rejoiced the priest. “As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I’ve never changed one before.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Father. I’ll take care of it.” 

And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other. 

“Why don’t you get the spare from the trunk?” 

“Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son,” stuttered the amazed Father Harris. 

The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts. 

“Do you need the wrench?” the Father queried. 

“That’s OK,” the fellow told him. “These nuts are as tight as a nun’s snatch.” 

“Hmmmm…” mused Father Harris. “I’d better get the wrench.” 

I have way too many questions.

If you are having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.

‘In 1850, the first all white Dalmatian Dog was spotted’.

Middle age is just walking around all day muttering things like:
“What was I going to say?”
“Why did I come in here?”
“Did I already take my pill?”
“How did I get this bruise?”
“Why am I sore?”
“Where did I leave my phone?”

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

So sad. but so true!

And was that even positive or awfully damn timely?

Perfect!

I can’t think of a single good reason why these two aren’t in jail.

Sadly, no one who needs to be listening, IS listening.  Now OR then.

I started my new health kick today.
Breakfast is two almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Me yelling at a squirrel to get out of the road so it’s not squished by a car is probably the same feeling my guardian angel has watching me live my life.

Designed by Benjamin Franklin, the first official circulation coin of the United States was inscribed with the words “Mind Your Business”.

“I would die for my child.”

I believe you.

But, would you live for your child?

Would you get yourself healthy?  Would you eliminate distractions?  Would you lead them more intentionally?  Would you set a better example?  Would you teach them the Bible and God’s law?  Would you practice what you preach and put action to word?  Would you be a parent and not a friend?

You only have to die once.  You have to live every day.

Do that.

And that, my dear friends, is the end of another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  Remember, I can be reached at 

Until we meet again, may love and happiness guide you and may you continue to battle the world’s B.S. with laughter.

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in my …

Aww, who am I kidding!?

It’s 37 degrees outside and windy.  It’s only the middle of October and they are already talking about “the first snowflakes falling” and when that’s going to happen.  I worked my butt off this weekend (Yes, if you want to go there, my “ass is dragon”) and I’m tired and cold and, and…and

And, well, it’s NOT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN ANY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

Sigh…

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest.  In fact, I feel so good now, that it IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD…

Wow, schizophrenic much? 

Well, I’m sure that you guys are sick of me playing with the words.  Playing with them?  More like abusing them.  Beating them up.  Slapping them around.  Doing things to them that are just NOT RIGHT! Treating words like …

Okay, enough already!!  Geez!  Get to the damn point!

Alrighty then.  To the point.  Here’s the damn pointy-point:  

Aww, Stanley, I miss you, brother!

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Lions can hunt and kill their own food by the time they’re 3 months old.

My 3-year-old couldn’t find her lunch box, and it was in her other hand.

I can’t believe we’re at the top of the food chain.

That is the … um … the … er, um that’s the … what were we talking… um … about?

I was thrown out of the breakroom of my Walmart yesterday. 

They asked me what I was doing there.

I told them I was on break.

They said you don’t work here.

I said I’d just finished using the self checkout, so clearly I do.

This is a great picture that reminds me of a book cover or something.  I can’t remember where I’ve seen it before, but the picture is very familiar to me.

Me:  Welcome to my she shed.

Gynecologist:  Please stop calling it that.

Idolizing a politician is like believing the stripper really likes you.

Boss:  You failed your drug test.

Me:  I had a poppy seed bagel. 

Boss:  Explain the weed and cocaine. 

Me:

Boss:

Me:  It was an everything bagel.

A good way to get out of a conversation you don’t want to be in, is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

1.  Go to Google.

2.  Search cat

3.  Touch the paw icon

4.  Touch anywhere

You’re Welcome

– So, what do you do?

– I’m a supervillain.

– What’s your name?

– Autocorrector.

– HAHAHA!  Are you Sirius?  What’s your super powder?  Wait a minion…what the help is happy ninja to me? PLEATS MAKE IT DUCKING STOP!

There’s that whole laser pointer thing again.  Not a single guy in the room is reading this anyway.

This is very interesting 🤔

If I give you $1 billion and you stand on a street corner handing out $1 per second, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, you would still not have handed out $1 billion after 31 years!

Now read on. This is true and rather hard to really understand.

The next time you hear a politician use the word ‘billion’ in a casual manner, think about whether you want the ‘politicians’ spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

1.  A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
2.  A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
3.  A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
4.  A billion days ago, no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
5.  A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our present government is spending it. 

We are charged:

•  Stamp Duty
•  Tobacco Tax
•  Corporate Income Tax
•  Income Tax
•  Council Tax
•  Unemployment Tax
•  Fishing License Tax
•  Petrol/Diesel Tax
•  Inheritance Tax (tax on top of tax)
•  Alcohol Tax
•  G.S.T.
•  Property Tax
•  Purchase Property Tax
•  Tax on Title Searches
•  Tax on Building Inspections
•  Tax on supplements
•  Taxes on various food items
•  Taxes on Dining out
•  Tax on all utilities – Phone, hydro, water, waste disposal
•  Service charge taxes
•  Social Security Tax
•  Vehicle License / Registration Tax
•  Vehicle Sales Tax
•  Workers Compensation Tax
•  And now Carbon Tax

AND I’m sure you can think of more……

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago, and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.  

We had absolutely no national debt.

We had the largest middle class in the world.  A criminal’s life was uncomfortable. What on earth happened?

When I was a kid they didn’t take me to a psychologist.  My mom was able to open my chakra, stabilize my karma, and clean my aura with a single slap.

The discussion reminded me of a story about Brendan Behan.  The writer was once invited to Oxford to take part in a debate about the difference between prose and poetry.  His opponent spoke for almost two hours.  Behan rose to hsi feet and promised to be brief.  He recited an old Dublin rhyme.
There was a young fella named Rollocks
Who worked for Ferrier Pollocks
As he walked on the strand
With a girl by the hand
The water came up to his ankles.
“That,” declared Behan, “is prose.  But if the tide had been in it would have been poetry.”

My favorite game is trying to take something out of the refrigerator without moving the other items in front of it.  I call it Refrigerator Jenga, and when you lose, you clean up marinara sauce for 40 minutes.

Not many of you are going to get that one.

A rock in bad hands killed Abel.  A rock in good hands killed Goliath.  It’s definitely not about the rock, folks.

Jameson doesn’t do that crap to you!!!!

If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in the war between Good and Evil, your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

So very true, and a wonderful tribute!!!

And that is a lovely place to end this one.  Love and Happiness to you one and all, until we meet again!

Well, I’m back.  Slightly less affluent than I was previous to this point in time, but back none-the-less.  All is well, or seems to be with the computer.  I had no idea how much I missed this baby, being without it for a few days, and getting caught up on emails, …

I shouldn’t say getting caught up. 

I may NEVER get caught up.

All I did was go through and delete the scrunge emails that I get every day.  The ads and the BS and the crap that everyone gets.  Right now in my regular accounts I have 1567 unread emails dating back to Aug 23rd.  I have kept up with the new email address and my very old business address that most of the bills and such come to, but the fun email, where all the GOOD stuff comes to? 

Yeah, 1,567 unread emails.

Sigh.

And with me keeping up with the other emails…this one is just going to get further and further behind.  So yeah …. ACK! (You oldsters remember Cathy, right?)

Or should I maybe go with a different ACK!

Or how about we just go with …

The Bible According to Children

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments..

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple..

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the MagnaCarta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Lawyers are adversarial and are trained to try to win at all costs.  That may work in litigation —– but does not work well when governing our nation in Congress.  Trying to win at any costs creates the polarization and hatred that now fills our country….Leaves no room for common sense or legitimate debate.

Every Democrat presidential nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate – Biden (no surprise) was at the bottom of his class).  Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school.  Barack Obama was a lawyer. Michelle Obama was a lawyer.  Hillary Clinton was a lawyer. Bill Clinton was a lawyer.  John Edwards is a lawyer. Elizabeth Edwards was a lawyer.  Look at leaders of the Democrat Party in Congress: Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer is a lawyer.  Former Senator Harry Reid was a lawyer.

The Republican Party is different.  President Trump is a businessman.  President Bush 1 and 2 were businessmen.  Vice President Cheney was a businessman.  President Eisenhower was a 5 star General. The leaders of the Republican Revolution: Newt Gingrich was a history professor.  Tom Delay was an exterminator.  Dick Armey was an economist.  Ex-House Minority Leader John Boehner was a plastics manufacturer.  The former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is a heart surgeon.  Who was the last Republican president who was a lawyer?  Gerald Ford, who left office 31 years ago and who barely won the Republican nomination as a sitting president, running against actor Ronald Reagan in 1976.  The Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work, who are often the targets of lawyers.  This is very interesting. I had never thought about it this way before.

The Democrat Party is made up of lawyers.  Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Trump, Bush, and Cheney, or who heal the sick like Frist, or who immerse themselves in history like Gingrich.  The Lawyers Party sees these sorts of people, who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of America.  And, so, in the eyes of the Lawyers Party, we have seen the procession of official enemies grow.  Against whom do Hillary and Obama rail?  Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, hospitals, manufacturers, fast food restaurant chains, large retail businesses, bankers, and anyone producing anything of value in our nation.

This is the natural consequence of viewing everything through the eyes of lawyers. Lawyers solve problems by successfully representing their clients, which, in this case, should be the American people. Lawyers seek to have new laws passed, they seek to win lawsuits, they press appellate courts to overturn precedent, and lawyers always parse language to favor their side. Confined to the narrow practice of law, that is fine. But it is an awful way to govern a great nation.

When politicians, as lawyers, begin to view some Americans as clients and other Americans as opposing parties, then the role of the legal system in our life becomes all-consuming.  Some Americans become adverse parties of our very government. We are not all litigants in some vast social class-action suit.  We are citizens of a republic that promises us a great deal of freedom from laws, courts, and from lawyers.

Today, we are drowning in laws; we are contorted by judicial decisions; we are driven to distraction by omnipresent lawyers in all parts of our once private lives.  America has a place for laws and lawyers, but that place is modest and reasonable, not vast and unchecked.  When the most important decision for our next president is whom he will appoint to the Supreme Court, the role of lawyers and the law in America is too big.  When House Democrats sue America in order to hamstring our efforts to learn what our enemies are planning to do to us, then the role of litigation in America has become crushing.

Perhaps Americans will understand that change cannot be brought to our nation by those lawyers who already largely dictate American society and business. Perhaps Americans will see that hope does not come from the mouths of lawyers but from personal dreams nourished by hard work. Perhaps Americans will embrace the truth that more lawyers with more power will only make our problems worse.

The United States has 5% of the world’s population and 66% of the world’s lawyers!  Tort (Legal) reform legislation has been introduced in congress several times in the last several years to limit punitive damages in ridiculous lawsuits such as spilling hot coffee on yourself and suing the establishment that sold it to you and also to limit punitive damages in huge medical malpractice lawsuits.  This legislation has continually been blocked from even being voted on by the Democrat Party.  When you see that 97% of the political contributions from the American Trial Lawyers Association go to the Democrat Party, then you realize who is responsible for our medical and product costs being so high.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER FORWARDING THIS ONE…

From Friggin’ Pete:

I don’t much care for Halloween but, I really like Haunted Houses, oh not because they are spooky or scary or anything like that. I suppose some people get a thrill being scared and surprised and all of that but, not me. No, I like them because about 30 years ago, my wife volunteered at the Haunted House the local charity was putting on. Witches, ghosts, goblins, spooks all the blood and gore, she was really getting into it that night. Well, after it was all over, it was time for clean-up. Someone handed her a broom and……..I ain’t seen her since….

Controlling the sands of time…

From time to time my wife puts on her wedding dress.
Not because she’s sentimental.
She really gets that far behind with the laundry.

The semi-auto Winchester Model 1907.  .351 caliber.  If you have one, hang on to it as it is worth a lot of money!

A hundred and fourteen years ago, in 1907…our great grandparents were first able to buy the rifle pictured. The semi-auto Winchester Model 1907.

This is a gun they could buy from a Sears catalogue and have delivered via US Post. It was/ is a semi-automatic, high powered centerfire rifle, with detachable, high capacity magazine.
About 400,000 semi-automatic rifles were produced before WW2. Civilians had hundreds of thousands of these for 40 years, while US soldiers were still being issued old fashioned bolt action rifles.
The 1907 fired just as fast as an AR15 or AK47 and the bullet (.351 Winchester) was actually larger than those fired by the more modern looking weapons..
The ONLY functional difference between the 1907 and a controversial and much feared AR15 is the modern black plastic stock.
The semi auto, so-called “assault rifle” is 115 years old. It isn’t new in any way.
The semi auto rifle was not a weapon of war. The government MADE IT a weapon of war 40 years after civilians had them.
The semi-auto can be safely owned by civilians. The proof is that literally 3 generations of adults owned and used them responsibly and no one ever even noticed.
Want to fix the horror of mass shootings?

 Fix the things that have changed for the worse in the last 50 years. 

~Family Values,

~Prayer removed from Schools,

~Ten Commandments removed from courthouse,

~Spanking Kids who mis-behave in Schools, 

~Morals, 

~What is socially acceptable,

~Confusion of Genders, 

~Left Wing Liberalism, Socialism, etc.

Because the rifle technology in question was here long before this insanity. 

GOD SAVE THE USA.

I did this several times and it drove me NUTS!!!

All I’m saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert he could have given that horse a name.

Beautiful…

Music is like candy, you throw the rappers away.

Did you know…
Taller people sleep longer in bed.

The kids keep laughing about my memory.  They won’t be laughing at Christmas when there’s no eggs under the tree!

For an honest look inside the Russian Army, here’s a look at a Russian Soldier’s Journal

An excellent read.  Written by a Russian soldier who disserted the Army.  Fighting in Ukraine.  Shows the real state of the Russian military. https://www.stripes.com/theaters/europe/2022-08-21/russian-soldier-journal-ukraine-7059143.html?utm_source=Stars+and+Stripes+Emails&utm_campaign=Daily+Headlines&utm_medium=email&utm_source=Stars+and+Stripes+Emails&utm_campaign=f35ea7046e-Newsletter+-+Daily+Headlines&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_0ab8697a7f-f35ea7046e-296647580

How God turned a rib into a loud speaker is still a mystery.

When I see ads on TV with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy is the medication they must be on.

Studies now show that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a grocery store shipping cart!

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
– Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. “Finders keepers!” his wife said, and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home. One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” “No.” She said.
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man said: “Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here 

The famous American statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn’s aunts.

And that’s it.  I’m back.  The world is back on it’s axis the way it’s supposed to be.  All is well with everything.  The sun and moon and stars are all hung in the correct spots.  May you all have Love and Happiness until we meet again.

All is well, computer is fixed, a new issue will be ready and prepared by Monday and we’ll go right back to being what we have always been.  Very sorry for the delay, but now it’s all fixed again.  See you on Monday.

Well, my laptop has died. I believe it’s the battery. I’ll have to get a replacement so I will be off line for a few days.

I’m very sorry. You’ll have to do without Dragon Laffs until I get a new battery.

I’ll let you guys know what’s going on.

Love and happiness

Impish