Well, it’s Saturday.  For you guys, anyway.  When you’re reading this.  For me, it’s Thursday night.  And I’m now starting my weekend.  I have tomorrow off, because I worked all weekend.  I have an eye appointment tomorrow morning that hopefully will go well and then not much to do until Monday.  But for now, not much more to say, so let’s jump right into the fun stuff…

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

Gotta throw this one in here.  Remember this picture from last issue?

And I said it reminded me of something and I couldn’t remember what?  Well, I got a response from Leah!  She said this: 

Right!  And now I remember!  Zelazny is a great author.  One of my all time favorites.

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 check in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

Planning my escape…

How many of you even know what this is in reference to?

The Italian immigrant went to the doctor to complain that he wasn’t sure how to make his new wife pregnant. 

After struggling with language problems, the doctor simplified his advice just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest. 

Two months later, the Italian came back to complain that it didn’t work. “I’ve been sticking my nose in her armpit every night,” he said, “and nothing’s happened.” 

Little Johnny was always afraid to go into dark places. 

One night, his mother asked him to go out to the back porch and get her the broom. 

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there, it’s too dark.” 

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” 

Johnny looks at his mother real hard and asks, “Are you sure he’s out there?” 

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. 

The little boy thought about it for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it open just a little. Peering out into the darkness, he says, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?” 

I have never heard anything so stupidly ridiculous in my entire life!  And I have worked for the Government since 1977.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Man, I love our Ubers!

This next one is from Friggin’ Pete. I truly enjoy his essays and this one is just as good as any of the rest of his.  Also, just as controversial.  So sit back and enjoy.

Well said, my friend.  Well said.

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire. 

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage. 

Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle. 

The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man. 

“Good afternoon, Father,” greeted the stranger. “Can I give you a hand?” 

“Heaven be praised,” rejoiced the priest. “As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I’ve never changed one before.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Father. I’ll take care of it.” 

And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other. 

“Why don’t you get the spare from the trunk?” 

“Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son,” stuttered the amazed Father Harris. 

The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts. 

“Do you need the wrench?” the Father queried. 

“That’s OK,” the fellow told him. “These nuts are as tight as a nun’s snatch.” 

“Hmmmm…” mused Father Harris. “I’d better get the wrench.” 

I have way too many questions.

If you are having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.

‘In 1850, the first all white Dalmatian Dog was spotted’.

Middle age is just walking around all day muttering things like:
“What was I going to say?”
“Why did I come in here?”
“Did I already take my pill?”
“How did I get this bruise?”
“Why am I sore?”
“Where did I leave my phone?”

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

So sad. but so true!

And was that even positive or awfully damn timely?

Perfect!

I can’t think of a single good reason why these two aren’t in jail.

Sadly, no one who needs to be listening, IS listening.  Now OR then.

I started my new health kick today.
Breakfast is two almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Me yelling at a squirrel to get out of the road so it’s not squished by a car is probably the same feeling my guardian angel has watching me live my life.

Designed by Benjamin Franklin, the first official circulation coin of the United States was inscribed with the words “Mind Your Business”.

“I would die for my child.”

I believe you.

But, would you live for your child?

Would you get yourself healthy?  Would you eliminate distractions?  Would you lead them more intentionally?  Would you set a better example?  Would you teach them the Bible and God’s law?  Would you practice what you preach and put action to word?  Would you be a parent and not a friend?

You only have to die once.  You have to live every day.

Do that.

And that, my dear friends, is the end of another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  Remember, I can be reached at 

Until we meet again, may love and happiness guide you and may you continue to battle the world’s B.S. with laughter.