Well…it’s Saturday, again.  
It     has     been     a     week!
I’m writing this on Thursday, the week isn’t even over yet, and I’m already worn out.  I’ve got an oil change this afternoon and my Anger Management class this evening.  I’ve had something every night this week. 
I need a break. 
But, it’s coming I guess.
Right now, let’s get to the fun stuff!

This one is from our buddy Joe in NJ and it’s called Reflections:

• A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant.
  • A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
• Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation
  • “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
• Don’t irritate old people.
  • The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
• Aliens probably fly by Earth,
  • go home, and lock their doors.
• You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me,
  • because you saw that sign 2 miles back, just like I did.
• I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
  • She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute.
• I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
  • It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
• I miss the 80s when bread was still good for you,
  • and no one knew what kale was.
• I want to be 15 again and ruin my life differently.
  • I have lots of new ideas.
• As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of:
  • it will be mis-spelled and have no punctuation.
• I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
  • She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
• Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
• My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you.
  • I took her to Subway.
• I picked up a hitchhiker.  He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer?
  • I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were extremely unlikely.
• I went line dancing last night.
  • OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.  Same thing.

Michael the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.

Unfortunately he’d lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Michael began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Michael, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist my charms.”

“Don’t worry about me, love,” answered Mabel, “I’m just trying on the sneakers.”

Mrs. Pauley tried her hand at baking cinnamon rolls for the first time. 

She put them on the breakfast table, Mr Pauley picked one up and took a bite. 

Mrs. Pauley waited for several minutes for the compliment that never came. 

Finally, she asked: “How much do you think I get if I sold those cinnamon rolls commercially?” 

“No more than 10 years,” Mr.Pauley replied, never putting down the morning paper. 

H  O  L  Y       C  O  W  !!!

Another relative on a very strange branch of my family tree.  (Get it?) (LOL!)

Passing an office building late one night, Lynn, a Blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.” 

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. 

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. 

“Well,” he snarled at Lynn, “what do you want?” 

Lynn replied, “The sign said, Press Bell FOR Night Watchman. 

I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it yourself.” 

Marg: I’ll tell you one thing! I’m never going out with my friend Stephanie again! 

Gail: Why on earth not? You two are best friends!

Marg: Yeah, well, last night a good-looking man walked up to our table at the bar, said hello, and told us his name. 

I told him that my name is Marg, and introduced my friend Stephanie.

He said, “Wow! On a one to ten scale, you two ladies make a twenty!” 

I said, “Really?”

He said, “Yeah! Your friend Stephanie here is definitely a 15!” 

There was a young lady named Hall, 
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
The dress caught fire, 
And burned her entire 
Front page, sports section, and all 

We can smoke it, we can play it, it’s multipurpose. 

An Irishman arrived at Heathrow Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

Vicky, grew increasingly displeased as her teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. 

Finally losing patience shortly after ten o’clock, Vicky knocked sharply on the girl’s door. 

Her daughter’s boyfriend, a bit disheveld and with some lipstick visable on his cheek,  immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. 

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Vickie told him. 

“Oh, sure, yes ma’m. Is it in someone’s way?” 

“No,”  Vickie replied, “it’s at the wrong address.” 

If garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker disposed of his refuse for several days when sanitation workers were on strike. 

Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper. Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car, he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always been collected. 

Which is why I use stevia … but there’s probably something wrong with that, too.

So very, very true.  So many people really need to keep that in mind.

That is exactly what I have always taught my kids when they were growing up.  You NEVER start it, but you ALWAYS finish it with EVERYTHING you have.  Never ever allow someone to lay their hands on you for free.  They always pay for it.  Even the girls got that lesson.  And to the best of my ability they got the skills taught to them to go along with the lesson.

You do not know the look of scorn until you stare into the eyes of your future wife after explaining to her that the car that “cut her off” in fact, did have the right of way.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them.  All of the people of the world, I mean everybody.  No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds.  Not just one world.  Hundreds of them.  Thousands maybe.

~ Neil Gaiman, Sandman: A Game of You

Yeah, they’ll get the bullets first
and second
and third

Oh and I bet the Irish just LOVED that!

You know folks, I never cared that you were gay, until you started shoving it down my throat, and I never cared what color you were, till you started blaming me for your problems, and I never cared about your political affiliation, until you started condemning me for mine.  I really never even cared where you were born, until you wanted to erase my history, and blame my ancestors for your problems.  You know I never even cared if your beliefs were different than mine, until you said my beliefs were wrong, but now I care.  My patience and tolerance are gone, and I am not alone in feeling like this.  There are millions of us who feel this way and there are a lot more of us than there are of you.  You may be louder and ruder than we are, but in the long run, we are right and we are the majority.  We tried being polite and letting you have your opinion and your own little part, but you weren’t happy with that.  You want everyone to see it your way and to bow down to you.  You can’t be happy with your piece, you want it all!  Well, soon you may not have any of it because of your greed and stupidity.  

Strong people always have their life in order.  Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “I am okay,” with a smile.

What’s the difference between a Woman’s Zipper and a Man’s Zipper?

When a woman unzips her pants, her brain doesn’t fall out.

And here we have a very special message from Nurse Marsha to Joe in NJ.

During a field exercise my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. 

Halfway through, we realized we’d lost our map. 

The patrol navigator informed us, “Our odds are 1 in 360 that we’ll get out of here.” 

“How did you come up with that?” someone asked. 

“Well,” he replied, “one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.” 

MILITARY WISDOM 

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”    -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance. 

“Aim towards the Enemy.”     -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.   -U.S. Marine Corps 

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”  -Infantry Journal 

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”   -U.S. Air Force Manual 

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”  -Gen. Mac Arthur 

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal 

“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”  -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. 

“Tracers work both ways.”   -U.S. Army Ordnance 

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”  -Infantry Journal 

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”  -U. S Navy Swabbie 

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”  -David Hackworth 

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”    -Infantry Journal 

“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.”  -Joe Gay 

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”  -Anon 

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”  -Unknown Marine Recruit 

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”  -Your Buddies 

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”  -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

A well off young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away. 

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather’s clock which he prized highly. 

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. 

But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. 

After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him. 

“Mister,” he said thickly, “could I ash you a quest’n?” 

“What is it?” demanded the exhausted young man. 

“Why on earth don’t you carry a watch?” 

And that my dear campers, is that.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.