As I’m writing this on Friday, and remember, the election was held three days ago, we still don’t know who holds the senate or the congress.  It’s amazing to me that in our day and age we can hold an election and not know who won.  And it’s because of the stupid election laws in some states.  It’s an election day, not an election week or even month.  Vote early, that’s fine, but what’s with being able to count these mail in votes up to days after the polls close?  I thought that when the polls close, they close? But, it does at least look like it’s going to be a Republican win.

And then Biden, when asked what he plans to change when confronted with the obvious evidence that the people (us) are unhappy with the way things are going, he replied, “Nothing.”  He says that it takes time for his plans to come to fruition and that we’ll just to be patient and wait.

What in the world is wrong with that man?  

And a Federal Judge has come out and said that his giving away OUR money in student loan relief is illegal.  Now, we’ll see if something is done about it.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS STUPID CRAP I COULD JUST SCREAM.

We need to move on to the laughter.  PLEASE!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

…and THAT, my friends, pretty well sums up the media’s approach to the news these days…….

Visiting my sister for a few days in Chicago last fall, I decided to get her a thank you gift for staying there.

I visited a new shopping mall and approached a great looking gal in the women’s department.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for a gift for my sister,” I said eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in mine while lashing me a big devilish smile. “Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” I replied, “I think she also needs a bra and panties.”

“They’re giving away free light sabers at Guido’s Bazaar!  Come on!  Jump on!  Let’s go!”

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was baby sitting for the day.

My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing.

My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, “your Mommy and Daddy kiss – they’re in love.”

My daughter’s rebuttal to that was “No they’re not – they’re married!”

Here’s a really good oldie but goodie.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

“What? We’re sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor exclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

The design drawings for our new corporate headquarters.  If we can raise the funds.

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited. “Hi! I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a cow,” said the cow.

“Right, what do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”

“Cool.”

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.

“Oh, right, what do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right – o, great, see ya round.”

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you.”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”

“Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”

“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a criminal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”

“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue.”

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

Good advice, but do we really need a sign?

Friend:  I’m worried about you. 

Me:  [dunks Oreo in whiskey] Why??

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose wifi signal in my kitchen.

I laughed so hard at this one

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” Great. I’ll start later.

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, & 5.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I need someone to explain to me why it’s always, “if you can’t pay your rent, buy fewer lattes and avocado toasts” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts, rockets, and spacecraft.”

Explain it to me like I’m in Kindergarten.

Love living in end stage capitalism where a parking spot makes more an hour than I do as an EMT.

This next one has to fall into the category of:

The “OPRF will order its teacher to exclude from their grading assessments variables it says disproportionally hurt the grades of black students.  They can no longer be docked for missing class, misbehaving in school or failing to turn in their assignments.”  So basically, the OPRF is So Racist that they are saying that blacks are so incredibly stupid that they can’t be expected to turn in assignments, behave in class, or even show up to class. How absolutely incredibly racist can you get?  When you make accommodations for a group of people like this, and saying things, LIKE THIS, you are saying that, as a group, because of the color of their skin, they are incapable of behaving like a respectable human being.  That is ridiculously racist.  Expectations for EVERYONE should be exactly the same.  Otherwise you are being racist toward and for somebody.  I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone to say or think that I was incapable of not showing up, of not being able to turn in assignments, or not being able to behave myself in class.  WHY DON’T YOU SUPPOSED PROFESSIONALS REALIZE THAT?  The military figured that out a long time ago.  At least until lately and the “feel good” morons started moving in and the whole thing started falling apart. 

Uh oh… I think he’s talking about me!  Impish Dragon is an EXTREME THREAT…

I just heard on TV that 38,000 American Veterans are homeless.  How is that possible?  That is unconscionable!  We should be ashamed of ourselves!

Looking around on line, I found that these are the favorite 9 charities for helping homeless vets:

• U.S. Veterans Initiative (U.S. Vets)
• National Coalition for Homeless Veterans
• The American Legion
• Disabled American Veterans
• Volunteers of America
• Veterans Inc.
• Easterseals
• Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America
• Operation Dignity

I am a member of The American Legion and have been for many years and I am giving a monthly donation to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans.  It’s not much, but I figure if the Tunnels to Towers folks can do what they can do by asking folks for $11 from people than my little bit more than that a month has got to help out.  Every little bit helps.  The idea folks, is to help where ever you can, if you can, even if it’s just a little bit.

6 year-old [to her crying brother]:  It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.  

Me:  Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done.  Why is he crying?  

6 year-old:  I hit him.

2 year-old [eating his lunch]:  Papa’s coffee hot? 

Me:  Yeah baby, it’s hot, don’t touch. 

2 year-old:  Me blow on it for Papa?

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2 year-old attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it…

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon.  With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

And that’s it.  I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who took the time to wish me a Happy Veteran’s Day and to Thank Me for My Service.  You are quite welcome and thank you for your support.  I hope I can continue to count on your support in the coming months and years.  To my fellow Vets out there, thank you to each and everyone of you.  And to all of you out there, May God Bless and keep you until we meet again.

Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day.  A day set aside for us to recognize the contributions that men and women have made in the service to our country.  I don’t care if you served for a month or for thirty years or more, the fact that you raised your hand and said that you would put YOUR life on the line before others, is enough for the rest of us to say thank you.

“I, ____________________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

There really isn’t that much to it. 

But, it goes so very, very deep to those of us who have taken it. 

And you’ll also notice, that there is nothing in there, like there is in a marriage vow, about, it expiring.  Like, “till death do us part” or “until my enlistment is up” or anything like that.  My first oath occurred on 17 June 1977 and it hasn’t expired yet.  And it won’t.  As far as I’m concerned, until God releases me from that vow (notice the very last line) it will remain in effect.  Even beyond my last dying breath. 

And there’s a lot of us old-timers who feel exactly the same way. 

Is it any wonder that we see what’s going on in this beautiful country of ours and it makes our blood boil?  “against all enemies foreign and domestic.”  There’s an awful lot of domestic enemies out there right now.

But tomorrow is a day to thank those men and women.  So, take a moment to find a vet and thank them for their service.  They will appreciate it.  I guarantee it.  So, let’s get on with the rest of this issue, shall we?

This next one was sent in by…

Hi Friends,

Just found this excellent tip in a 1985 Home Mechanix magazine. I’m sure this will be useful for all of you.

       …Joe

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS 

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: 

In Memory of Beza Wood 
Departed this life 
Nov. 2, 1837 
Aged 45 yrs. 

Here lies one Wood 
Enclosed in wood 
One Wood 
Within another. 
The outer wood 
Is very good: 
We cannot praise 
The other. 

Yes, I know it was an oldie, but it’s still pretty darn funny!

That’s just too damn weird.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location.

“It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

Came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

It’s actually Memorial Day when we honor those who have given their lives, but that’s okay, the thought still counts.  But remember this one …

And here’s another oldie, but goodie…

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King.

Each year, on the King’s birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

Each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house.

After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: People who live in grass houses, shouldn’t stow thrones. 

That’s what Izzy Dragon said.

I always like to play with my dinner a little first…

Very well said.  Amen.

Letter to the Master of the House 
To: Master of the House 
From: Dog 
Subject: Cat 

Master: 
The cat is despicable. She doesn’t do any tricks and never comes when you call and I’ve been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It’s time to get rid of the cat. 

Before the cat’s arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table – actually physically walk on the table! You don’t yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don’t see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. 

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? 

Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab – and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn’t that what’s important? 

Then there’s play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven’t I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they’ve driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can’t be sanitary. And shouldn’t she be de-clawed? I’m very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. 

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I’m not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here’s a note from the hamster: 

_____________________________ 

To: Master of the house 
From: Hamster 
Subject: Cat 

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. 

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels 

______________________________ 

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. 

I don’t understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I’m not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn’t she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws – you’d never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time! 

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I’ll be taking a nap and she’ll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I’m too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I’m sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet. 

Yours truly, 

The Dog 

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best Christmas present I ever got.” 

“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?” 

“Oh, I don’t play it,” Little Johnny said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.” 

Some Guardian Angels are just like that.  Others, not so much.

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him. 

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again.. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bartender never knew what he said.. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead… 

At the cowboys hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy. “Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead. 

“Well, The cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad” ” What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?” Asked the Judge. 

“Well, answered the cowboy, “three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass… “

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle. 

While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night’s dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it. 

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. 

He pulled one aside and asked, …”Did I screw up the cooking” 

“No”, the cowboy replied, “You cooked up the screwing.” 

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man oh Man, I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.” 

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?” 

“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity.” 

Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?” 

“Oh God no!” the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.” 

Today’s Engineering Lesson:

You may not understand this unless you have studied physics.  Here’s the math:

Here’s the explanation:

Here’s the illustration:

And here’s the practical demonstration:

And that’s your Physics Lesson for Today

And thanks to Stephen B. for today’s Physics Lesson.

When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said:
‘Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.’

Changes

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and quit lying around.

He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change dat had done overtook him.

Boudreaux explained, “I heard ‘Crisis in da Gulf’ and if He’s dat close, I wanna to be good to go!”

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

Oh HELL NO!

So Let Me Get This Straight…

I got to the grocery store and buy:
A pound of sliced ham wrapped in plastic;
A loaf of bread in a plastic bag;
A pack of napkins wrapped in plastic;
A ready-made salad in a plastic container;
A plastic bottle of mustard;
And a plastic bottle of ketchup;

But they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home, because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

And stupid.  We should be scared shitless of stupid.

Got this one on the comments section and figured it would be easier to answer it here … cause it’s kinda confusing:

Bob, trying to figure out how I gave you the impression I was hatched in 66.  Maybe you did the math when I told you about my total government service or something.  That’s off by 8 years.  My egg cracked open in 58, which means you were only in the Air Force for 6 years when I was born.  Still quite impressive at that.  I’m going to be 64 this December, which makes you in the vicinity of … much older than me.  
My deepest and sincerest condolences on the loss of your dear wife, and … well, I understand completely about all of it, sir.  It is truly one of those that, if you haven’t experienced it, you can you can sympathize but never truly empathize. 
And on another note, thank you for your service, brother.  There’s always the desire when two (or more) fellow service members get together to do the where were you when type questions to see if you ever trod the same chunk of flightline as someone else.
And to all my fellow veterans out there either current or otherwise, thank each and everyone of you for your service.  What you have done or are doing is important, it matters, it means something.  It is not something that everyone can do.  It is prejudicial and exclusive.  We don’t take just anybody off the street.  And if that hurts the feelings of the trans and the gender confused and others, well then I’m sorry … no I’m not.
I’m really not.
My life, my buddy’s life, YOUR life, and possible the lives of all my friends, family and loved ones back home depend on the fact that I need the most reliable, capable, disciplined, unflinching, toughest, meanest, dedicated, intelligent, loyal, honest person out there.  If you don’t measure up, then we don’t want you.  It has nothing to do with the color of your skin or whether your a man or a woman.  But, don’t expect to get a break because your a woman or a minority or any of the gazzillion other things that people seem to get wrapped up about lately.  That’s nonsense.  Are the bullets going to magically stay away from you or the equipment you have to lug around weigh less or the decisions you have to make or any of the other myriad of things that go into the job change because of your race or your gender or anything else?
No.
Of course not.
So, race and gender and all that nonsense have absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
Only ability.  You either have the ability or you don’t.
But, no breaks given either way.
Okay, that went way tangentially from where I started.  So, let’s get back to the fun stuff.   

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”

“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. 

“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this  battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. Well guess what? It died after only six months!” 

“Geez, I’m sorry”, apologized the garage owner. 

“I didn’t think your car would last any longer than that.” 

And that is it my friends.  May your day be filled with love and happiness, until we meet again.

Tomorrow is the day!  Get your butt out there and

As Robert Heinlein once said, and I’m paraphrasing here, there may not be anyone you want to vote for, but there most certainly is someone is you want to vote against.  Get out there and vote!  That’s tomorrow and it’s important.

I was going to tell you all about the “Getting Through The Holidays” special Grief Group thingy that I went through Saturday morning, but in all honesty, it was pretty damn hard.  I spent most of the day yesterday with tears in my eyes and spent most of the day today, Sunday sick to my stomach.  So, I think I’m going to pass on that, at least for now.  So, in the meantime 

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. 

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn’t take long before he is on the stool next to her. 

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, “You’re really hot!” 

You’re pretty cute, too,” she says to him. “I’ll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?” 

It sounds great!” the man eagerly replies. 

“Before we go up there though”, the woman says, “I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?” 

“Well…uh…I’m not exactly sure what that is, man answers, “but it sure sounds interesting and I’m willing to learn! Let’s go!” 

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. 

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can’t believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. 

“Now, you’re *sure*,” the woman asks, “that you want to do it Greek style?” 

“Definitely!” the man replies. 

“All right, then,” says the woman. “Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees.” 

“Sounds like fun!” the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. 

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?” 

“Yeah! Yeah!” says the man. 

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can’t move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?” 

The man’s muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. 

“Yeah!” he mumbles, “Greek style!” 

The woman’s grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, “GUS!” 

1. Part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest needs to start their directions at step 5, because I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word, and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

“Okay, so here’s the plan.  At nightfall, we attack the castle.  Dragon, you have the ground attack.  George, you attack from the air.  No.  Wait.  Reverse that.”

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.  I don’t have it.  I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning on their own.

If I were a ghost, I would go into homes of people with OCD and tilt all the pictures on their walls…

I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger who’s not wearing their seatbelt.

My car does that with my cellphone and sometimes my tablet, but not my backpack … and I can’t figure that one out at all?

I got nothing.  But, it is a cool picture.

Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective.  I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Cop:  Do you mind identifying the body [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up. 

Me:  [tearing up] Yes, that’s my brother Reese. 

Cop:  You’re sure? 

Me:  [nodding] Those are Reese’s Pieces.

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore Tap Shoes to work.

Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you.

But fantastically funny.

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter nonsense.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling…

All she gave up was sex.

I am absolutely speechless.  I used to think that there was a kink for everyone out there somewhere, but whoever it was who came up with this one … wrong, in so very many ways.  WRONG!

Bill Clinton paid Paula Jones $850,000 after he assaulted her, does anyone remember the FBI raiding his attorney?  Neither do I.

I’m sick of my tax dollars being wasted digging up dirt on Trump while the evidence is blatantly clear against Hillary and Obama.

And Hunter and “The Big Guy” and …

A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don’t have one, you’ll never need one again.

Wrong, I tell you. WRONG!

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. 

I wasn’t aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

“This is our prison quartet,” he said, “behind a few bars and always looking for the key.”

I saw 6/6/66, 7/7/77, 8/8/88, 9/9/99, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, 12/12/12, and now all the way to 2/22/22 … do you know what that means?!?!

Damn, I’m old!

Tomorrow is Jamaican Hairstyle Day…

I’m dreading it!

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

And that’s it for today.  I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.  Until next time.

As you are reading this on Saturday morning, I’m supposed to be teaching a CBRN class.

But, I’m not.  I’ve gotten one of my great guys to teach the Saturday classes for me this UTA.  Because I am otherwise engaged this Saturday.

I’ve been invited to a special Grief Group on Saturday morning.  A once a year gathering of all the yearly groups for a special presentation called, Getting Through the Holidays.  And I have to tell you, as the holidays draw nearer and near, the harder and harder it’s getting. 

If it was just me, I think I could just ignore them, hide away in my room and pretend they weren’t even going on.  Cry in my pillow at night and that would be the end of it, but with Izzy Dragon being here, it’s not fair to her to at least try to make it seem as if … we are … what?  Celebrating the holidays?  

Thanksgiving will be the first big test.  That was always Mary’s thing.  We’d have the Whelpling and the grandkids and we could still do that or we could go to their house and celebrate with them.  EXCEPT my son had already agreed that this year they were going to his mom’s house or his wife’s mom’s house because the past couple of years they’ve been with us, so it’s fair.  I got no bones.  But, I’ve also got no place to go and no desire AT ALL to make a Thanksgiving dinner at home.  So, I’m thinking maybe Bob Evans, because their new turkey sandwich looks really good.

But, Christmas I think is going to drive me into the ground.  Mary went in the hospital the first time on the day after Christmas …

Maybe I’m just borrowing trouble …

And yet, I’ve already got tears in my eyes and my heart is so very heavy.  I guess I’ll find some hope and help on Saturday.

Okay, that’s enough internal soul searching for episode.  Let’s get to the other stuff that you really came here for.

Yes, I know the one before that one was mean, but it was done to me so I had to do it to you.

And this next one is an oldie, but a goodie.

A company, feeling it is time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200 a week, why?”

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery !!

My doctor said I was paranoid.

Well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. 

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. 

“How much is it?” she asked. 

“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” he said. 

“What kind of inscription?” she asked. 

“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'” 

“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!” 

I can’t.  I’m still in the midst of the event I thought would end me.

All the damn time.

That is incredibly funny.  I would love to see her face when she finds it.

“Stir in 2 cups of … ?  Where in the heck am I supposed to find ground Kobold toe nails?”

GOOD & BAD

Good: The teacher thinks your son’s great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket.

Bartender says, “Nice mouse.”

The man says, “Not your ordinary mouse. it talks.”

Bartender says “Oh yea, what about?”

Man says, “See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what color panties she has on.”

Bartender says, “Really? I gotta see this.”

The man points to a woman says to mouse, “Mouse: woman!”

Mouse runs down sees woman’s panties from the floor and comes back and says “Pink.”

“Wow, bartender says. will he do that for me?”

Man says “Sure.”

Bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says “Mouse: woman!”

Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf. Bartender says “What’s wrong with you?”

Mouse says “I taught I taw a puddy tat!”

This is just a fantastic picture.

This next one is from Trish.  Thanks Trish.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: “Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!”
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever…

Never let the brain get idle.  ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.  And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,  spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6… The tears happen:

Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:

If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.. And if you don’t send this to at least 4 people – who cares? But do share this with someone.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Wine does not make you FAT …- it makes you LEAN ….(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

The people who shut down your businesses and killed your careers are now asking that you re-elect them so they can keep their jobs. 

NEVER forget what they’ve done to you.

Me:  I have many hidden talents. 

Someone:  Like what? 

Me:  I don’t know, they’re all hidden.

In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and called one of the ushers.

He pointed to a man in the 5th row. “That man is sound asleep, go and wake him.”

The usher shook his head and said, “Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep!”

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”

Trying to convince him further she noted, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.

“How do you know she’s not?” said the mother.

“Because I ate her first!” answered Little Johnny.

An European, Australian and Asian guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. 

When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." 

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. 

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the European and the Australian quickly used their hands to cover their privates.

But the Asian covered his face while they ran for cover. 

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The European and the Australian asked the Asian why he covered his face rather than his privates. 

The Asian replied, "I don't know about you, but where I come from, it's the face that people recognize." 

Church Bulletin Bloopers 


Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. 


If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. 


Nov.11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. 


Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo." 


Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. 


If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. 


We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. 


Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." 


Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. 


Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. 


Helpers are needed! 
Please sign up on the information sheep. 


The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. 


The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared. 


As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. 


Fifth Sinday in Lent. 


Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. 


Thank you, dead friends. 


Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. 


Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. 


Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. 


Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. 


The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. 


Volunteers are needed to spit up food. 


Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess 


We pray that our people will jumble themselves. 

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, “How did this happen?”

“Let me put it this way, doc,” the girl began. “My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.”

And that’s all folks!

Tune in Monday (hopefully, since I’m working this weekend) for the next exciting episode of …

and remember, the best way to get ahold of me is with my NEW email at 

Until next time my dear friends, may your lives be FILLED with Love and Happiness.

For all of you who got a notification that there was a post that wasn’t there. It’ll be there in the morning like it’s supposed to be. I fat fingered the date setting it up and had to pull it back real quick.

Sorry for the confusion.

Cheers!