It’s Monday.  I’ve put together a fast issue.  Not a lot of me in here, but some funnies to get you through the next couple of days.  I worked my ass off this weekend and I have some tough days ahead of me, so let’s just get some laughter together and …

Back in the old days, the USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.

So they built and it was beautiful. When he came to test it, he looked through it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, “Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?”

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.

“What are those large photos on that building?” he asked.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

“Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says.” More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:

“Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!”

This is an oldie but goodie.  And it’s timely.

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question – worth 500 points!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women talking in the aisle I was going down.

“Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy,” one said. “So I don’t mind buying him what he likes even if it is a little more expensive.”

“Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He’s just plain fussy,” her friend replied.

As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.

We are the pest removal … aarrgghh!!!

I always get confused with the differences between elves, fairies, sprites, pixies, and the rest.  I guess I just don’t understand the gnomenclature.

Her:  Tell me something you’ve never told anyone else.

Me:  [whispering] I think the owl people are already among us.

Her:  Who?

Me:  OH NO!!

Fun Fact:  Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

Why oh why was there a need for THIS sign?

That’s one big step across

The John Deere Tractor Company will not stand behind their manure spreaders.

How to Tell You’re Going to Lose an Argument With Your Wife:

1.  You’re in an argument with your wife.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

In order to insult me, I  must first value your opinion.
Nice try though!

Don’t expect any New Year’s resolutions from me.  I intend to remain the same awkward, sarcastic, foul-mouthed delight you’ve all come to know and love.

It’s that weird time of day when I don’t know if I need water, coffee, a cookie, or to leave civilization an go live amongst the woodland creatures.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.  What you may not know is that TUBA is also an acronym.  
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills, or cleaning up after their kids.

A guy in the bar asked me if I’m watching the World Cup.
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “I bet you can’t even name three Qatar players.”
I said, “Jimmi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and George Harrison.”

And that’s it for today so I can get this put out.  Love and happiness to you all.

It’s Saturday, and while you are reading this, I’m busy teaching CBRN Defense Training.  It’s one of my favorite things to do for work.  Although it’s getting harder and harder to do as I get older, it’s still a lot of fun to do.  Here’s kind of what it looks like…

Great fun.  Especially when I’m not the one who has to get dressed out in MOPP gear.  LOL!

A N Y W A Y …

There is a world of fun to be had in today’s issue.  Now, truth in advertising, I haven’t put any of that fun IN today’s issue as of this moment, but I just KNOW that by the time you get to it, FUN WILL BE FOUND.  Yes indeed it will. 

So, if you will all accompany me and walk this way and enter through this door, we can begin.

10 Things Men Know about Women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They Have Breasts.

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. 

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412 

The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!” 

House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544,completed 1618. 

Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!” 

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?” 

Darned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…”

And I’ll bet there are those of you out there who have no idea what this is in reference to.

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. 

We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home. 

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, “You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.”

Our underground passages and escape routes are protected by the very best.

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

So, as guys, what do we want?  When we’re born, you want your crotch patted?  When we get married, you want to be complimented on … what?  How handsome you are?  Or how beautiful your wife is that YOU picked out or that picked YOU out?  And when we die … who gives a damn what happens here on earth, after we’re gone?

During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves 

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house. 

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going. 

“I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it’s important that I have them.” 

“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.” 

Holiday Diet Tips

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out

3. If you eat standing up, it doesn’t count!

4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards

5. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count

6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage

7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream

8. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount

9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel.  This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

We use “Little Red” messenger service for most of our messenger service needs.

You may have noticed I have already started putting Christmas memes and cartoons in my issue.  That’s because I have SO MANY of them it will probably take me the entire month of December to get through them all!  So, you guys get to enjoy them (and steal them) for the entire month.  I hope you enjoy them!

Tombstone

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

After a very long day of listening to a visiting businessman from Texas brag about his state a New Yorker decided to show the guy the Empire State Building.

When the Texan then put down New York’s well-known landmark by saying “Heck, that’s nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!”

The New Yorker responded with, “Well you no doubt need them!”

There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years. 

Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.  

Anyroad, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local San Franners doing comedy skits and the like. 

Since the comedy was pretty bad but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all the of food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy. 

Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair. 

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out… “Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”…….

As a student driver in Philadelphia, I was taking the road test for my driver’s license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn’t look out of control. “You have a lot to learn,” said the inspector.

At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.

The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, “Now you’re getting the hang of it.”

“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

“Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room!”

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.

It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”

This is a GREAT story that I HAD to include!!!!  Thanks Joe!!

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in London 

Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described.  

To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped  letter was inside. 

After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. 

An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”

So, we come to an end of another issue, but before we go, I’d like to show you a meme that really resonated with me.  I got this the other day from one of our dear campers.  As you may have picked up on, this is a rough time of year for your dear camp counselor … camp leader … ME! … Impish Dragon, I’m talking about me.

People ask me how I’m doing and I say, “Yeah, I’m okay.”  This is what it really means.  And I added a little bit to the meme to make it a little clearer.  I’m here and I am functioning, everything is working the way it’s supposed to work … but … 

So, that’s that.  Until we meet again.  I hope to have an episode prepared for Monday, but since this is a UTA weekend, don’t be worried if there isn’t one, it’s because I’m working killer hours this weekend and teaching three full classes this Saturday and Sunday.  All is well.  So, until next time.  May Love and Happiness bless your lives.

Okay, so I’m stuck on crying dragons.  Hopefully this will be a much happier lead-in than the last several have been.  Aren’t you guys getting a little tired of the moroseness that’s been hanging around here lately?  I know that I have.  Let’s get some happiness going here, huh!

Oh Amen to that!  Dad says, “Why are you late?”  
Work ran over and …
“Why are your eyes so red?”
“Um..it was the … um … 
“Come over here and let me smell your breath!”
BUSTED!!

“Remember that guy who overdosed on pot?”  ~ Said no one ever.

Overdosed?  No!

There is truth in there.  If that is what your wife needs/wants then he is absolutely right.  For my Mary, it would have been a Heath candy bar.  And yes, that would have definitely been step one in foreplay.

Phobias may be memories passed down through generations in DNA, according to a new research.

So, if I’m afraid of …say … giant spiders, it might be because it’s preprogramed in my DNA?  Or heights, or dogs, or … that’s wild.

That’s kind of a good point…

Wanna bet when he gets home he blames it on the Pizza place?

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural road. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW–SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
Again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers.” The sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

“Get back here, lunch!”

If there is ever a slight chance at getting something that will make you happy, risk it.  Life is too short and happiness is too rare.

You KNOW if that is his wife the beating he got when she saw that picture, right?  And you KNOW she saw it, because he’s enough of an idiot that he HAD to show it to her.

Not to brag, but most of my family isn’t speaking to me.

Many people would be scared if they saw in the mirror, not their faces — but their character.

And he would have done it again.  Because he was a Veteran…a service member of the United States.  And that is what you do for a fellow service member.

WHERE     IS     MY     DRAGON’S     LUNCH!?!?

Boy, isn’t that the truth!

The following manuscript, dated 2000+ years ago, was discovered and is presented here, in its entirety:  

Setting: Athens, inside a tailor shop. The customer is holding a garment. The tailor speaks first.

“Euripides?”

“Yes. Eumenides?”

Finis

We haven’t done this for a while, so let’s dip into the comments section and see what out fellow campers have to say and maybe offer a little advice or some comments back…let’s see.

Sex-Ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching Peppa Pig.



A local farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators. 

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

Snaccident:  n.  1.  Eating an entire bag/box of something by mistake.

ENGLISH LESSON

Tsunami ……………….. T is silent
Honest ……………….. H is silent
Psychology ……………….. P is silent
Knife ……………….. K is silent
Wife ……………….. Husband is silent

CLASS DISMISSED

Gonna have to use this squirrel for more…

I was at the shopping center and saw a woman dressed like Snow White.  She was the fairest of the mall.

A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder.  

The bartender says, “What an interesting pet.  What’s his name?” 

“Tiny,” the man replies.

“What an odd name!  Why do you call him Tiny?”

“Because he’s my newt…”

I’ve just been to the gym.  They’ve got a new machine in.  I only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.  It’s great though.  It does everything — KtKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Chips, the whole lot.

I’m not a saying I’m a bad cook but my doctor told me to start eating out.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you managed to laugh your way through the issue and at least part of the day.  May you be blessed with Love and Happiness.

Well Saturday I went out and spent a good part of the day with Mary’s family at a sort of Thanksgiving Day celebration kind of thing.  It was the first time I had been with any of them in person since Mary had passed away.

It was a hard day.

Everyone was very nice to me and very kind.  Everyone spoke to me and included me, which was very nice and I’m quite sure as difficult for them as it was for me.  I’m very sure I was a very large reminder for them of their missing sister.

It was a hard day.

Everyone commented on my very obvious weight loss.  They were quite complimentary until they found out how I lost the weight and the fact that my doctor had to threaten me with hospitalization and force feeding me if I didn’t stop it.  I told them I was trying to eat better.  I think I am, but I’m not really sure…lately.  When I get depressed, like I am now, I don’t want to eat because it makes me feel sick.  I’m trying to forget what time of year it is.  I just want this time to go by.  And it just seems to not want to.  

I made Lasagna Bob and had a piece of that to eat and a coconut macaroon and a molasses bar.  Oh, and a roll.  One of the best Lasagnas I’ve made in a LONG time.  2 meat, 5 cheese.  Probably weighed over 10 lbs.  One of my favorite foods in the whole world and I make one of the world’s best.  https://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html  And yet I’m sitting here now, feeling sick to my stomach.

It’s been a hard day.

So, we going to put this day behind us and we’re going together let laughter cure our aching hearts.  So, any of you out there who need this like I need this, this is for you today.

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport.

While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said to the cabbie, “How’s your spirit of adventure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting tomorrow, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting will last only an hour. I’ll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow.”

The driver said, “Sure, why not?” and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms.

The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman’s office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, “Let me go in the bank here and I’ll get you a certified check. I’ll make it for $5000 so you’ll get a sizable tip for your service”.

“Great,” the cab driver said, “Thanks.”

“One last thing. When I give you the check, I’d like you to drive me home, please. I’m dead tired .”

“Where do you live ?”

“Brooklyn.”

“No way mister !!! I’d have to drive back over the Brooklyn Bridge empty… without a passenger!”

I went for Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was “Chow Mein”. 

I said, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?”

To which he replied, “Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein.” …

George: “I hea..hea… heard tha…that you can hel…hel…help me”. 

Speech therapist: “Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten”. 

George: “O…one, t…two, th…th…three, ….. eight, nine, ten. It’s wonderful, I don’t stammer anymore!” 

Speech therapist: “My fee is 300 dollars.”

George: “H…h…how mu…mu…much?!”

I read books, I drink coffee, and I know stuff.  THAT’S WHAT IF DO!

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent, and better-looking than those that don’t according to a scientific study that I made up.

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.”  90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Let’s face it.

Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

As someone who goes through that every now and then, I can STRONGLY attest to that fact!  It is horrifying!  Thank God for me it’s only occasional, although the night before last was one of those nights.  The night before Thanksgiving.  I told friends and family that I had nightmares … but two of those nightmares involved Sleep Paralysis … which turned them truly, mind bendingly, awful.  Okay, now I’m making myself sweat and giving myself heart races…so, onward to other things.  LOL!

Seriously, I got nothing.  Just a really cool, beautiful picture.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Yup, me too!

Lots of men don’t understand the value of their wives…

Until the judge decides the alimony amount.

Love is nothing without action.
Trust is nothing without proof.
And sorry is nothing without change.

I do not burn bridges.  I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

Nearly everything has the potential to be funny.
The smartasses seize the opportunity to poke fun at something just to get a laugh.  Please thank a smartass today for making your life more cheerful.

It’s easy to take sides when you’ve only heard one.

Looks like Baba Yaga’s Hut.

One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself. 
~ Shannon L. Alder

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.

It’s only natural we become quieter as we grow older.  We’ve a lot more to be quiet about.

Joe sent us this list of Old Hillbilly Wisdom that has some great … well … wisdom in it.  Take some of it to heart as we end today’s episode a little more cheerful than we started it.  Thanks for taking today’s journey with me, my friends.  I really needed the company.

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don’t take the time to do it right, you’ll find the time to do it twice.
Don’t corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don’t be banging your shin on a stool that’s not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn’t deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try to speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

So, until next time,

It’s Thanksgiving Day as I’m starting this episode and I’ve been sitting here with West Wing on the TV, the dogs crashed out on the floor, Izzy Dragon is still upstairs asleep and I’ve been sitting here for about the last 3 hours zoned out with my mind wandering to Thanksgiving Days in the past and tears dripping down on to my keyboard.  Not really paying attention to anything.  

Yeah, zoning out.  That’s where I am right now.  So, what I’m going to do is jump to the fun stuff to take my mind off the other stuff while I wait for the world to turn and time to pass and this day to pass.  So for now, let’s do that and see what else pops up as it happens.

How does that sound?

Good for you?

Yup, good for me, too.

So, a couple of leftovers …

• What did the turkey widow say to her three disobedient, inconsiderate children when they especially acted out one day?
  • If your father was still alive he’d be turning over in his gravy.
• What role do green beans play at Thanksgiving?
  • The casserole.
• What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
  • A poultrygeist.
• What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
  • Pumpkin Pi
• If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower what do students travel on?
  • Scholar ships
• What do you get when you cross a turkey with rattler?
  • A wattlesnake.
• What smells the best at Thanksgiving Dinner?
  • Your nose.
• What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
  • Yammies.
• Knock knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Arthur.” 
  • “Arthur who?” – “Arthur any leftovers?”
• How do little pumpkins cross the road as he got to school?
  • With a crossing gourd.
• Knock Knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Norma Lee.” 
  • “Norma Lee who?” – “Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!”
• What’s the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?  
  • Pil-gram.
• What do turkeys do on Sundays?  
  • Have peck-nics.
• What’s the best song to play while cooking a turkey?
  • All About That Baste.
• Why did the cranberries turn red?”
  • “Because they saw the turkey dressing.”
• Why do Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
  • Because they wear their buckles on their hats.
• If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?”
  • “A goblet.”
• What sound does a turkey’s phone make?”
  • “Wing-wing-wing.”

After the parade, a man asked me if I could help him get down off his horse.  I told him, “Of course not.  You can’t.  You get down off a duck.”

Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?

Our Northern Perimeter Patrols can be lonely jobs at times.

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful… 

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”

stupid firemen

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.

Tears are the lubricant of the soul.  They help when overwhelming grief is at odds with unspeakable love.  Izzy Dragon is now up and I’m trying so hard to be cheerful and it’s so hard.  Unbelievably hard.  But, this too will pass and I will get through, so let’s press on.

“Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Batman!”

About four minutes into my run, I’ve decided I want to work on my personality instead.

Hence, Dragon Laffs!

BIGGEST LESSON IN LIFE: 

Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you.

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”

Fred: “Yeah, I’m married, too.”

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly.

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door. A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house. Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash.

A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

TOMBSTONE 

The grave of Ellen Shannon in  Pennsylvania. 

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”

The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota

Timmy was a little five-year old boy that his Mom loved very much and being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.”

He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it Would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with Another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little Friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”

The little friend said, “Well who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest” Timmy said.

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much.

And it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.” So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly Internal Revenue officer confronted him.

“It says here that you’re a bachelor – yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, “Yep, it surely was.”

And that’s it my friends.  The time has passed.  It is now Friday and we’ve all made it through.  Thanks for spending the time with me and helping me get through.  I deeply appreciate you.   Love and happiness to you all.  Until next time.