Good Morning Campers,

Today is the 17th of December … or it should be if you are reading this on the day that the issue is coming out.  That means that Christmas is one day and one week away.  Christmas eve is one week from today.  The night that Santa is making his nightly flight to visit all the good girls and boys.  It’s only the good ones who get visited, the naughty ones get passed by…which means that this dragon, like every other year, doesn’t stand a bloody chance of getting the jolly old elf to stop by at all!

All I can say is that it’s a good thing that him and I are good friends or I would be in serious trouble.  See, I am not allowed to get anything from him on Christmas, because I fall solidly on the Naughty List every year.  Most of us military types do.  Sadly it’s a penalty of the job.  

But Impish, you say.  You’re not in the military any longer.

I know, but even worse, I still work for them as a CIVILIAN.  That’s actually worse.

AND I’m a conservative.

And a religious conservative at that.  I’m on so many naughty lists, I’ll never get another Christmas present from Santa for as long as I live. 

But, that’s okay.  Cause, see I’m friends with the Jolly Old Elf.  And since my birthday is Christmas Eve, and he’s a friend, he’s allowed to give me birthday presents, irrespective of the Naughty List, he just stops by my place before he starts his rounds on Christmas Eve, we drink some nice Irish, smoke a couple of cigars, catch up on old times, he drops my “Birthday Presents” off and then starts his yearly run.

I’ve even been known to pull the sleigh for him a time or two.  That might even be an artist’s rendition of me in the header up top there.

So, it all works out.

And, I hope it all works out for you guys as well.  In the meantime …

A boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

“Hmmmm,” he ponders, “How am I gonna get more dough?” Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”

“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

…And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'”

The father says, “Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin’ son of a bitch!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO

IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT

CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED

A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO

OF WHOM I’D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN’T HELP WONDER

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT

BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

“SANTA DON’T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON’T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.”

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN’T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

FROM THE COLD NIGHT’S CHILL.

I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, “CARRY ON SANTA,

IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.”

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.”

This poem was written by a Marine. The

following is his request. I think it is reasonable…..

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many

people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is

due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate

these festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of

what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and

dead! , who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part

to plant this small seed.

May God Bless You and Have A Great Day

Whenever a man’s friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old. 

-Washington Irving (1783 – 1933)

“Damn Dragon, bring back my wreath!”

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.

“My mother looked back once while she was driving,” contributed little Johnny, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. 

To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn’t escape. “Do you know about girls and babies?” I asked. He nodded but cut me off. 

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. 

On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, “Son, would you like to talk about sex?” 

“Damn, Dad,” he responded, “is that all you ever think about?” 

That may have been able to work back then … but it sure as heck can’t work now.

A man had run to the store with his daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

The man said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

He replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

A Short History Of Medicine:

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

– 2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

– 1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

– 1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

– 1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

– 1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

– 2004 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.

The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Okay, be honest, how many of you don’t have the brains of a four-year-old?

That includes an awful lot of us, I’ve found out.  Hang in there brothers and sisters, it will all be over soon and we can carry on getting on with our lives like we’ve been doing.

WAAAYYYY too many morons out there feel exactly that way.

That is a pretty amazing heart.

An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking 15 pints of beer, and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.

Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn’t fully cocked, and now he isn’t either.

The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church. 

“I liked the music,” she replied, “but the commercial was too long.”

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the garage,

There were no chevys no fords, only Dodge!!

The presents were wrapped and the lights were all lit,

So I figured I’d mess with the Challenger for a bit.

I popped the release and I lifted the hood,

When a deep voice behind me said “Looks pretty good!”

Well, as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,

And there, by the workbench, stood good ol’ Saint Nick!

We stood there a bit, not too sure what to say,

Then he said “don’t suppose that you’d trade for my sleigh?

I said “no way, Santa” and started to grin,

“But if you’ve got the time we could go for a spin!”

His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,

Turned into a smile and he said “Hell Ya, let’s go!!”

So as not to disturb all the neighbors’ retreat,

We pushed the Challenger quietly into the street.

Then, taking our places to drift down the hill,

I turned on the key and I let the clutch spill.

The sound that erupted took him by surprise,

But he liked it a lot, by the look in his eyes.

With hoosiers a’ crying and headers aglow,

We headed on out where the muscle cars go.

And Santa’s grin widened, approaching his ears,

With every shift up as I went through the gears.

Then he yelled “can’t recall when I’ve felt so alive!”

So I backed off the gas and said “You wanna drive?”

Ol’ Santa was stunned when I gave him the keys,

When he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!

Then the HEMI exploded with pure exhaust sound!

Santa let out the clutch and the tires shook the ground!

Power shift into second, again into third!

I sat there just watching at loss for a word.

Then I heard him exclaim as we blasted from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, it’s a hell of a night!!!”

At a dinner party, Holly and Joe were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

“No woman,” said Joe, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” answered Holly. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” Joe insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded Holly. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

What the … !? Okay, the first one was evil, the second one was … I don’t know what it is.

I want one!!

Why am I not surprised?

Muslims want Biden.
China wants Biden.
Iran wants Biden.
Abortionists want Biden.
Felons want Biden.
Illegals want Biden.
Get it?

There was a faster response to Martha’s Vineyard than there was to Benghazi.

Let that sink in!

Once I see the T-Rex’s it’s so hard to unsee them

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for “Show & Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”

“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?”

“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!”

“Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”

“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

“Umm, Johnny, what is that?”

“It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”

“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”

“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!'”

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed:

Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine. Amen.

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 p.m. . he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chicken and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Signs Found In Kitchens

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!

Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!

I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!

My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.

If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.

Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

And that’s it for this issue.

I just did a count on my remaining Christmas cartoons and it looks like I’m actually going to run out before we reach the holiday.  To keep things going the way I’ve been doing it, I’m going to need approximately another 120 memes or cartoons to get me to Christmas.  So, all you folks out there who have some good ones hanging around, send them to me now, put Christmas in the subject line of your email so I can pick them out of the other stuff easily because I’m still behind over 1000 emails on the old email server.  I am keeping up on the new one (impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com) because I am forcing myself to everyday, but that is actually holding me back from using the stuff that’s coming in on the old addresses, lol.  

I need to hire a secretary.  Wouldn’t that be something.  If I could only figure out a way to make enough money from this to do that.  Now there’s an aspiration worth living up to.

Put Christmas in the subject line and no matter where you send it I’ll be able to find it.  And until we meet again next, Love and Happiness to you each and every one!

We get closer to the holidays and I get more nervous as the days go by.  I really don’t have much to speak of to start this issue out, so I’m just going to jump right into the laughter and see if maybe things present themselves as we go along.

A Little Poem For Seniors

Another year has passed
And we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About ‘Living in the Past’

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches…
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damned old!

I used to laugh at things like this and now I just think, “How true…”

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off.

As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus.

The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus.

Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front.

“Hey”, shouts the bus driver… “You didn’t pay your fare yet!”

The drunk, reeling, shouts back “Why should I? . I walked all the way!”

Quotes on Aging

Kiss the dragon under the mistletoe 

Grammar:  The difference between feeling you’re nuts, and feeling your nuts.

Employer:  We just want you to know just how much we appreciate everything you do for this company.  If there is anything you need, let us know.

Me:  Well a raise, some more training, and enough staff would be nice.

Employer:  We were thinking more like a pizza party.

            A Navy Seal from Florida

Facts:

Was born on September 14, 1978, in Jacksonville, Florida. 
[1] He is of Italian descent. 

[2] His family moved to Orlando, Florida, before relocating to Dunedin, Florida, when he was six years old. 

[3] In 1991, he was a member of the Little League team from Dunedin National that made it to the Little League World Series in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. 

(4] After graduating from Dunedin High School in 1997, he attended Yale University.  He was Captain of Yale’s varsity baseball team and joined the Delta Kappa Epsilon Fraternity. 

[5] On the Yale baseball team, he was an outfielder; as a senior in 2001, he had the team’s best batting average at .336. 

[6] He graduated from Yale in 2001 with a B.A. Magna Cum Laude in History. 

[7] He then spent a year as a History Teacher at the Darlington School. 

[8] He attended Harvard Law School, graduating in 2005 with a Juris Doctor Cum Laude. 

[9] He received his Reserve Naval Officer’s commission and assignment to the Judge Advocate General’s Corps (JAG) in 2004 at the U.S. Naval Reserve Center in Dallas, Texas, while still a student at Harvard Law School. 

[10] He completed Naval Justice School in 2005. 

[11] Later that year, he received orders to the JAG Trial Service Office Command South East at Naval Station Mayport, Florida, as a Prosecutor. 

[12] In 2006, he was promoted from Lieutenant, Junior Grade to Lieutenant.  He worked for the Commander of Joint Task Force-Guantanamo (JTF-GTMO), working directly with detainees at the Guantanamo Bay Joint Detention Facility. 

13] In 2007, he reported to the Naval Special Warfare Command Group in Coronado, California, where he was assigned to SEAL Team One and deployed to Iraq with the Troop surge as the Legal Advisor to the SEAL Commander, Special Operations Task Force-West in Fallujah. 

[14] He returned to the U.S. in April 2008, at which time he was reassigned to the Naval Region Southeast Legal Service. 

[15] The U.S. Department of Justice appointed him to serve as an Assistant U.S. Attorney at the U.S. Attorney’s Office in the Middle District of Florida. 

[16] He was assigned as a Trial Defense Counsel until his honorable discharge from active duty in February 2010. 

[17] He concurrently accepted a reserve commission as a Lieutenant Commander in the Judge Advocate General’s Corps of the US Navy Reserve. 

[18] He was awarded the Bronze Star Medal, the Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal, the Global War on Terrorism Service Medal, and the Iraq Campaign Medal. 

[19 He represented Florida’s 6th Congressional District in the US House of Representatives from 2013 to 2018. 

Oh, by the way, that former Navy Lt., is

Ron DeSantis, Gov. of Florida.

Also known as a pretty damn good guy.

A mother is never needed more than when she eats, showers, goes to the bathroom, or is on the phone.

The
Will of God
will never take you where the
Grace of God
will not protect you.

Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elija was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus was dead…  God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Have you ever wondered why they don’t treat pyromaniacs with anti-inflammatory drugs?

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Signs That Something Is Wrong With Your Marriage

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
* You have his n’ hers bathrooms.
* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled “Anthrax” and “Cyanide.”
* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.
* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.
* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph, the police stop a driver. 

“Not only have you been driving too fast, you’ve been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don’t work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What’s your name?” 

“Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic”, replied the foreign driver. 

“Well, I’ll let you go this time, but don’t do it again.” 

And that is it for another day, my dear friends.  May you be blessed with love and happiness until we meet again.

Good Monday Morning my friends.  We get a little closer to Christmas every day.  And I get a little closer to getting past Christmas every day.

Izzy Dragon just texted me from work and asked me if I wanted her to be off on Christmas Eve.  At first I didn’t understand.  I thought she was asking me if I had something planned for that day because we normally did something because it’s also my birthday.  She didn’t care about that, she wanted to know if I didn’t want to be alone, so she asked for the day off when I told her that I didn’t want to be alone.

I hate being alone.

Even right now, 16 days away, I really don’t want to be alone.  But, be that as it may, I know I don’t have as much of a choice in the matter.  That’s why I have you guys.

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says “Last night I made love to my wife three times!  This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits.”

Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, “That’s nothing.  Last night I made love to my wife five times.  She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man.”

Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, “I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn’t fix me anything for breakfast.” Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, “Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?” “Just two words,” I answered. “Don’t stop”.

Things I learned from Santa

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.

3. Don’t pout.

4. It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it’s ok to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

8. Bright red can make anyone look good.

9. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.

10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.

11. Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say “HO, HO, HO!

Waiting for Santa…

I have now heard it all.
You are a pathetic excuse for a human being

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came the veteran’s turn. “Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!” 

“What did you do?” asked his friends.

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.”

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. 

As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. 

Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, “Hi there, my, aren’t you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have.”

“Thank you, sir” she said, “And what a nice day this is isn’t it?”

“Yes it is” I answered, “My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you’re wearing.”

“Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn’t it pretty?” she said with a beaming smile.

“Yes, very pretty” I answered, “By the way, what’s your dog’s name?”

“Oh, sir, my dog’s name is ‘Porky’, isn’t that cute?”

“Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him ‘Porky’, because he’s a little fat?”

“Oh, no!” she replied with a smile, “It’s because he fucks pigs!”

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.”

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

‘Nuff Said

I had an interesting morning this Saturday morning.  Went to Men’s Breakfast at a local restaurant, which we only do in December, otherwise it is at the Church each month.  While we were there, there was a semi-truck load of boxes of stuff unloaded at the church.  We then went to the church to deliver the boxes all over town to people that had signed up for them.  There was everything from toys to clothes to toilet paper to books to … well … all kinds of stuff in them.  It was a very satisfying and happy making morning.  The boxes I delivered were to a Senior’s apartment complex and they were like little kids getting gifts.  It was good fun.

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, “My daddy’s a baker. That’s b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat.”

Second kid says, “My daddy’s a banker. That’s b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys.”

Next kid says, “My daddy’s an electrician. That’s e-l-a-k…uh, e-l-e-x…uh….”

Teacher interrupts, saying, “That’s okay, Rayford. Think about it and we’ll come back to you.” Turning to Little Johnny, she says, “You’re next, Johnny.”

Little Johnny says, “My daddy’s a bookie. That’s b-o-o-k-i-e, and I’ll lay you odds ten to one Rayford won’t ever spell electrician.”

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ”Where are you?” the man asked. ”Who are you?”

”I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

”Oh yeah?” the man asked… ” Where were you when I got married?”

Signs That You May Be Suffering From Depression

You’ve got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.

You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.”

You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.

You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.

Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.

On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.

Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.

Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth  without any voluntary movement.

You’ve cried so much that your contacts have rusted to  your eyeballs.

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!”

“Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.

The boss replied, “Good, then YOU fire her!”

Tombstone Sayings:

New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising

Because they are idiots!

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, “No no, sir. You must not applaud.”

Dumfounded, he protested: “But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker.”

“No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech.”

Starbucks announced this week that from now on new Starbucks employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training.

The first hour Starbucks employees learn how to make a cup of coffee, then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge 4 dollars with a straight face.

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I have to stop wanking, I said “Why?”

She said “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

Well, that’s an unfortunate place to end this issue, but there we are.  Thanks for sharing this with me today my friends.  I hope you all had as good a time laughing as I did.  Until we meet again on Thursday, may your days be filled with Love and Happiness.

I think I’m overwhelming the WordPress program when I finish up one of these super long, super special Christmas issues.  I get ready to schedule the issue for 0200 hrs. in the morning for when I want it to go out and it just publishes it.  So it ends up going out at like 9 pm the night before!  Which screws up my whole timing.  It’s done that to me like three times now.  I tell you, I’m getting a little annoyed.

Not enough to stop doing the super long special Christmas issues though.  I’ve still got a LOT of Christmas stuff to get through.  I’m still wondering whether I’m gonna get it all done by the time the fat guy gets here.  No, not me.  I’ve lost weight, remember?  No, I’m talking about Santa.

Anyway, Izzy had her all day appointment today and it only cost me about $2K instead of the $3k I was figuring on … yeah, I know.  Wonderful thing to have to come up  with right before Christmas.  Hopefully I’ll get some of that back from the insurance company.  They said about half.  The rest of it I’ll just have to pay back to the credit card.  But, thank God I kept one of those.  I had promised myself I was going to cut them all up when they were all paid off and I did.  My dear sweet Mary had a lot of medical bills over the last couple of years and we had lived off the credit cards there for a while and got ourselves in some trouble.  But they were all paid off … one way or another.  And then they were all cut up.  Except one that I kept for emergencies.  And this was it.  So, when the check comes in from the insurance company it goes straight to the credit card company and I pay that thing off asap.  With it just being Izzy and I now, it won’t be that hard.  Couple of months, it will be taken care of.

A week from this coming Monday, we have a video appointment to get the results of the all day testing and hopefully, they will determine what I want them to determine, that Izzy has high functioning adult autism and that will mean that she will be eligible for help especially if I were to die suddenly, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about her.

Anyway, on to less morbid and more cheerful stuff.  We’re here to laugh and have fun!  So, let’s get to that part of the show, shall we? 

Doesn’t everybody?

Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

I’m sorry, and I’m probably an asshole, but that meme just cracks me up!!

It’s okay to be white, black, straight, or gay.
But it’s NEVER OKAY to stop at a yellow light when we both could have fucking made it!

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbours doing the same, and said, 

” I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?” 

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I excxlaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?” 

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.” 

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious. 

 “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planing to do for your 25th anniversary?” 

“Go back and get her.”

COMING SOON!
To a theater near you!
Dragon In The Wind!

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. “You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?” 

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.” 

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.” 

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket.  She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man’s head. The man politely offered the seat but sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon. 

Suddenly the man felt dropping something on his head.  He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was licking and dropping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He felt the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, “Pickles, ay?” 

The old lady replied, “No, no, puppies, dear!”

BOY!  AIN’T THAT THE EVER LOVIN’ TRUTH!!!!
I could tell you stories…
Yes, Impish Dragon’s Birthday is in December.
Yes, there’s a bit of a sore spot there.  LOL!
Nah!  After all this time, I’m used to it by now.

Nothing says you’re getting too old more than sending a text after a night out that says, “Here’s that recipe I was talking about.”

This is our old corporate headquarters.  To say the place had issues …

I don’t really want to make bad choices, but I got here late and all the good choices were taken.

My favorite Christmas show

I sat quietly with my own thoughts today.

Remind me never to do that again.

And everyone raise their hand who’s been there!

If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

I’m sure someday it will …
Music was so important to US that it hurts now that it’s just ME.
So, this meme hits awfully close to home…it has been reduced to noise.

Yup.

Her:  Let’s do doggy style.

Me:  Alright with me!

Me:  OFF THE BED!

Her:  What?!

Me:  Get out of it!

Her:  But I …

Me:  OUTSIDE!

Her: 

Me:  GET!

This goes back several years, but I will run it every year.  God Bless you Lethal.  I miss you, too brother and can’t wait until I see you, too.

Like many people, I sing in the car, but when I put it in reverse, I’m a back up singer.

Home Depot is putting holiday decorations in the second row of housewares, so Aisle B Home for Christmas.

Absolutely freaking asinine!!!!

Women mature faster than men because we get our boobs at like 14 and men get them at like 45.

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. 

“She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed. 

“Well, I’ll tell you what I used to do with my wife” replied the boss.  “Whenever she got out of hand I’d take her pants down and spank her.” 

Shaking his head the young guy replied, “That doesn’t work. Once I get her pants down I’m not mad anymore.” 

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?” 

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”

An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket.  She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man’s head. The man politely offered the seat but sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon. 

Suddenly the man felt dropping something on his head.  He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was licking and dropping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He felt the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, “Pickles, ay?” 

The old lady replied, “No, no, puppies, dear!”

And that is the PERFECT place to put an end to today’s episode.  I am currently at Men’s Breakfast while most of you will be reading this on Saturday morning, then we will be helping to deliver boxes of food to needy homes, so it should be a very satisfying morning after quite a dissatisfying Friday.  I found out that the head gasket needs to be replaced on my car to the tune of about $1.6K … I’m not sure where it’s going to come from, but I know that God will take care of it.  I’m going to start a withdrawal from my retirement 401k and be glad that I have that.  The car goes in the shop on the 20th and they are going to give me a loaner to drive while they have mine, since I also start Physical Therapy back up for my feet the same day.  Boy, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another.
Sigh.
I’m trying to stay positive, really I am.
So, until we meet again…

How is everyone this fine Thursday morning?  While you are reading this, Izzy Dragon and I are in Indianapolis doing all day testing for her and the two dragon dogs are home protecting the cavern.  

Down in their hearts, wise men know this truth: the only way to help yourself is the help others.

-Elbert Hubbard (1856 – 1915)

A study published in “Neurology” says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given.

I wonder – could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat


Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit. 

It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull. 

Has more chins than lives.

Pictures from my High School Year Book

Once upon a time there was a stork family – papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked “Papa stork, where were you last night?” 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied papa stork. 

Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked “Mama stork, where were you last night?” 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied mama stork. 

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. 

Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. 

Papa stork barked, “Where the hell were you baby stork?” as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. 

“Out scaring the hell out of college students,” replied baby stork. 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. 

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. 

“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” 

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “you’d be his wife!” 

According to this, I’m in the “Screwed” category.

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbours doing the same, and said, 

” I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?” 

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I excxlaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?” 

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.” 

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious. 

 “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planing to do for your 25th anniversary?” 

“Go back and get her.”

“Yes, baby.  Someday you’re going to grow up to be a taxi, too.”

I find myself drawn to people who are funny, intelligent, and twisted.
Bonus Points for working sexual innuendos into the conversation.

Yeah, I guess I don’t understand art either.

If really good looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Life is a dream for the wise,
a game for the fool,
a comedy for the rich,
a tragedy for the poor.

I used to rush to defend myself against false accusations but now I watch to see who believes it, so I know who to cut off first.

I’m not on the Crazy Train – trains go fast.
It’s more like a wagon.
A long, slow ride on The Crazy Wagon.

Stop telling people that no one will love them until they love themselves.  Stop planting the idea in people’s brains that they are unworthy of love because of their own internal struggle.

Glad to see so many embracing therapy.  A few of you need an exorcism as well but … baby steps.

I have always been attracted to the broken.  Not because I want to fix them.  I don’t want to fix anyone.  I can’t even fix myself.  Rather I know we connect on another level, a real one.  We know what pain feels like.  How it feels to sleep with a broken heart.  Only to wake up and paint a smile on your face pretending as if everything is “okay”.  Because that’s what people like me do, like we do, like survivors do.
J.
iron word

If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow.

And I am completely and totally out of time.  Until Saturday, you guys have a blessed day.  Love and happiness to you all.