So, where were we?  Oh yeah.  Snow.  I AM TIRED OF IT!

I’m ready for it to warm up, this crap to melt and for it to be Spring.  51 days left.  That’s way too long from now as far as I’m concerned.  

Have I mentioned that I’m tired of the snow?

Anyway, I’d like to share a comment with you guys that was shared with me a couple of days ago.  This one touched my heart.

This one is an oldie, but a real goodie…

Things that I’ve learned from my parents…

• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
  • “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
• My mother taught me RELIGION.
  • “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
  • “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• My father taught me LOGIC.
  • ” Because I said so, that’s why .”
• My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
  • “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
  • “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• My father taught me IRONY.
  • “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
  • “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
  • “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• My mother taught me about STAMINA.
  • “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
• My mother taught me about WEATHER.
  • “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
  • “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
• My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
  • “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
  • “Stop acting like your father!”
• My mother taught me about ENVY.
  • “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
  • “Just wait until we get home.”
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
  • “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
• My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
  • “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
• My mother taught me ESP.
  • “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
• My father taught me HUMOR.
  • “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
• My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
  • “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up”
• My mother taught me GENETICS.
  • “You’re just like your father.”
• My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
  • “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
• My mother taught me WISDOM.
  • “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
• My father taught me about JUSTICE.
  • “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Subject: Re: Subject: Exciting News: 2023 Senior Stimulus Package

IMPORTANT – Watch Your Mailbox:

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2023 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, pancake mix, two discount coupons to KFC, a ‘Biden Hope & Change’ bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a Biden speech decoder, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, and a ‘Blame it on Trump’ poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Yours should arrive soon. Happy New Year everyone!

My granddaughter and friend

Rylee- I think I’m gonna start taking my pepper spray to work again.

Me- that sounds like a good idea.

(She’s a bagger at smiths and there’s weirdos when she collecting carts)

Rylee- will I get into trouble for spraying people?

Me- Not if it’s self defense. If you’re just spaying people it’s assault.

Rylee- No its a-pepper.

Okay, I guess I’m one of them…someone explain it to me, please.

There’s no room left on this dragon, you’ll have to wait for the next one.

WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Angel went down into the water and reappeared with a Golden Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel again went down and came up with a Silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel went down again and came up with an Iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “Yes.”

The Angel was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all 3 Axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel again appeared and asked him: “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Angel went down into the water and came up with Demi Moore.

“Is this your wife?” the Angel asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Angel was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘NO’ to Demi Moore, you would have come up with Sophia Loren. Then if I said ‘NO’ to her, you would have come up with MY WIFE. Had I then said ‘YES,’ you would have given me all 3.  I’m a poor man, and not able to take care of 3 wives, so THAT’S why I said YES to Demi.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

WE MEN ARE TRULY HONORABLE!

90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today…

The other 10% made it all the way home.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

Another, more sedate part of Dragon Forest with the corporate headquarters way off in the distance.

Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad’s hands, the boy says, “Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers.”

“Wella Tony,” Papa said, “You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea disa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I’lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married.”

Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony’s wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, “Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?”

Papa drew close to Tony and said, “Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that’s when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,. . . . ‘Go back to sleep youa silly woman!'”

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the cooker and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea. 

The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” 

“Gonorrhea? I should say not,” she replied. 

Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, “Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let’s do what we can to make him happy.” 

The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” she smiled and said, “Of course I do.” 

“Ok,” he said, “Let’s do it.” 

After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, “Listen Johnny, I don’t really have gonorrhea” 

Little Johnny smiled and said, “Well, you do now.” 

TOMBSTONE

I came into this world without my consent and left in the same manner.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!

I don’t do windows because …
I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because …
I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because …
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because …
I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because …
I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because …
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because …
I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because …
I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because … “
A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name “Beer.”

All girls have to do is buy a “Beer” or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” 

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. 

And then they made love for the first time. 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” 

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” 

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. 

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.” 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!” 

On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp in England, I was surprised to see a Fire notice in the chalet which read.  “In case of Fire leave your chalet and arouse the person next door”.  Now I agree to this arousal thing in theory but I’d like to make one or two comment’s. 

It’s OK if the person next door is female and good looking I’d really enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke. I’m a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a bloke.

What if you don’t fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn’t put your full dexterity into arousing them would you. 

What if there’s more than one of them, I’m not nineteen anymore and the thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit beyond my libido these days.

What if she didn’t fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous zones couldn’t she.

What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take offence and knock shit out of you.

What if she was unclean or a bit smelly  I wouldn’t fancy doing a 69 with that sort would you.

What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I’ll tell you the fire notice goes on to say.

Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the outdoor pool.

Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I’m going to spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can think again.

Butlin’s must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water would be a criminal waste at my time of life. 

So, I’ve come up with a better idea, let’s all assemble by the bouncy castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty good on a bouncy castle I bet.  Have a nice Holiday 

Did you smell something burning? 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you have had a wonderful weekend and I hope your days have been filled with God’s Blessings.

And it’s Friday, getting ready to send this out for Saturday and it’s been a snowy week here in Indiana.  Snow, snow and more snow and this dragon is sick and tired of it!  I’m ready for spring!  Well, … just 53 more days!

Fifty-three more days!

Seems like forever!

Hey, before we get started, I want to share a comment from Leah real quick:

Written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

What’s the difference between men and horny alley cats? 

Men are taller. 

Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio. 

Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. 

On the way he sees the Gerald’s house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit. 

He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home. 

“Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald’s! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!” 

Little Johnny looks up and says, “Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio.” 

Willy scowls and jealously mutters, “You and your fuckin’ radio!” and storms off, to go riding again. 

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed. 

He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he’s even completely in the door, 

“Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?” 

Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, “The bank was robbed?” 

Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, “You and your fuckn’ radio!” 

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side. 

A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence. 

He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker. 

Then he races as fast as he could all the way home… “Little Johnny! 

Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!” 

Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, “Bah! In a pig’s ass you did!” 

“You and your fuckin’ radio!” mutters Willy, as he cycles off. 

“Okay brothers, let’s ride!”  This is our version of a motorcycle club.

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart. 

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly. 

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed. “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.” 

“My, but you look different today Claudia.” commented Reneto, her co-worker.

“Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use — special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?”

“No !” replied Claudia. “My damn vibrator shorted out this morning.”

Ping Pong is the only sport named after the way it sounds

Do you suffer from depression?  Depressex may be able to help.  Side effects may include, turning into a demon, suicide, …

Yogurt does nothing.
Creamy nonsense.
You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference?
Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

One day the church’s pastor noticed a young boy staring at a plaque in the rear of the church. It contained mostly men’s names. The pastor went up to him and said “These are church members who died in the service”.

The boy looked up at him and asked: “In the 9:30 or the 11?”

Absolutely adorable!

One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you never lose your ball. 

People always say, “He died penniless,” as if it’s a terrible thing. 

I don’t know, it sounds like good timing to me. 

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” 

The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.” 

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when he comes back –WHACK!!!”– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.” 

Martha’s Helpful Hints 

Martha’s Hint: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. 

Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it. 

Martha’s Hint: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. 

Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”? 

Martha’s Hint: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness. 

Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. 

Martha’s Hint: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. 

Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh. 

Martha’s Hint: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 

Reality: Leftover wine? 

Martha’s Hint: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. 

Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. 

Martha’s Hint: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. 

Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. 

Martha’s Hint: To keep potatoes from budding, Place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. 

Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 

Martha’s Hint: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. 

Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway? 

Martha’s Hint: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. 

Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. 

Martha’s Hint: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains. 

Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers. 

Martha’s Hint: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. 

Reality: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you. 

A Santa Fe, TX minister said it best, “We have created a culture that does not value life, that does not honor God, that does not respect authority.  We are reaping the consequences of those actions, and that’s not going to be reversed by a security guard or a metal detector.”  “The long-term goal is to change hearts.”  “We’re allowing the culture to raise our kids.”

I’m so old, I can remember when people treated being on unemployment as an embarrassing secret, not a life goal.

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. 

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. 

He turned to the caddy and said, “You know I must be the worst golfer in the world.” 

The caddy replied, “I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!” 

Office Inspirational Posters 

– 
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 
– 
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 
– 
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 
– 
If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals! 
– 
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 
– 
A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
– 
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE….. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 
– 
2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 
– 
If at first you don’t succeed – try management. 
– 
It’s only unethical if you get caught. 
– 
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. 
– 
Work harder slaves! 
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
– 
If you can read this, you’re not working! 
– 
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 
– 
Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
– 
Pride, Commitment, Teamwork: words we use to get you to work for free.
– 
Succeed in spite of management. 
– 
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore. 
– 
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore. 

This one is just called Rules

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 horsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

And that my friends is it for this Saturday.  I certainly hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Well, it’s been a very full week and if it wasn’t for the fact that we have a snow day today and the base is closed, you probably wouldn’t be getting an issue on Thursday at all.  Today, being Wednesday.  They closed the base as we’re in the midst of getting about 8 inches of snow.  The snow is coming down pretty heavy right now, about an inch an hour.  And it’s supposed to keep going until about 8 pm tonight.

Anyway, it’s going to be close as it is, so let’s get to the laughter.

A Blonde frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighbourhood.

The dispatcher asks, “Well, lady how do we get there?”

Confused she replies, “Don’t you still have those little red fire engines?”

Marriage One Liners…..

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past…but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: “Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing, cooking, and scrubbing. No wife of mine is going to work.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man–he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health…and he’s already used to taking orders.

A fellow is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, “What did you put in my mouth?”

He says, “Two aspirin.”

She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!”

He says, “That’s all I wanted to hear…”

Only the best for our security teams.

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked.

Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 10¹/² inches.

My son was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.

“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to Oz. After frightening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. 

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” 

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.” 

“No problem,” says the Wizard. “WHO IS NEXT?” 

Ronald Reagan steps forward and says, “Well… Well… Well… I need a brain.” 

“Done,” says the Wizard. “WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?” 

Up steps George Bush sadly: “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.” 

“I’ve heard that it’s true,” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” 

Then there is a great silence. 

Bill Clinton just stands there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. 

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?” 

“Is Dorothy around?” 

Little Johnny’s mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had “the talk” with him. 

Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. 

“Do you understand?” his mother asked. 

“Yes,” replied Little Johnny. 

“Do you have any questions?” asked his Mother. 

“Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?” asked Little Johnny. 

“In exactly the same way as with babies”, answered his Mom. 

“Wow!” Little Johnny exclaimed. “My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!” 

Our over watch sharpshooter is WAY over watch!

A pastor giving a children’s sermon on vestments asked, “Why do think I wear this collar?”
One kid answered, “Because it kills fleas and ticks for 30 days?”

Picture taken from the same place at the same time each month for a year.

There was this little grey mouse that worked in a factory pulling wires through conduits and every evening after work he would stop in at the neighborhood bar for a beer or two before going home.

He was unmarried and well liked by the bartender, he always cashed his paycheck on Friday night and had more than two beers.

This particular Friday night the mouse was setting at the bar having a beer and this strikingly beautiful long necked lady giraffe comes in and takes a seat at the end of the bar.

The mouse looks her over and she is checking out the mouse. The mouse told the bartender to give her a drink and soon they are seated together.

The bar fills up and the bartender loses track of them.

The bartender can’t wait to hear how it went with the mouse and giraffe, but on Monday the mouse don’t show, nor on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday he comes in, his fur all roughed up, his eyes bloodshot, and his tail just dragging the floor.

He climbs up on a stool, orders a beer and as the bartender set it down, the bartender asks how it went, and why are you looking like you were run over by a Mack truck?

The mouse answers, it was just wonderful.

The bartender says what caused you to look so bad, the mouse said “between the kissing and the loving, I’ve run 900 miles.”

Once upon a time, in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe, I believe it was the Navajos, had a very beautiful daughter. And she was of marrying age. And many, many braves were wanting the daughter’s hand in marriage.

Well, being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry the bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch. So he held a contest. All the eligible bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that brought back the biggest and best catch would be given the chief’s daughter in marriage.

A lot of braves turned out for this event. On Monday morning they all set out, bows and arrows in hand. Well, on Tuesday afternoon, all the braves had brought their killings in except for three: Running Bear,Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock.

On Wednesday morning, Running Bear brought in a really big black bear,weighing 480 pounds and 7 foot in length. The chief was quite impressed. This was the best killing of all so far. But, of course,they had to wait for the remaining two before he could award his daughter to Running Bear.

Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really, really big cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running Bear had come home with. The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was 7 1/2 feet long. Clearly,Sitting Bull was about to win the chief’s daughter’s hand in marriage. Excitement rose within the camp. Everyone was pretty sure that Falling Rock couldn’t top Sitting Bull’s catch!

Thursday came and went ….. Friday came and went ….. Saturday came and went ….. The weeks turned into months and the months into years,and still Falling Rock did not return.

It was obvious, the chief couldn’t wait forever for Falling Rock to return. So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they lived happily ever after, and the tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they did keep their eyes open when out on the trails. And even today you will still see in Colorado those signs that say, “Watch for Falling Rock.”

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation…

When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses…

“Ten!” he hollered, “What could any woman want with ten new dresses??”

My mom calmly replied, “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

There’s a new health study that was just completed that claims having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.

The more sex you have, the less chance you’ll have of catching a cold.

Can you just picture how it’s gonna be in office’s across the country this winter, every time a woman sneezes there’ll be some guy saying, “Hey, I got something for that.”

My 17 year old daughter, Steph who had just received her provisional diving licence offered to drive us to church. 

After a wild ride, we finally reached our destination. 

Steph’s mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you.” 

“Anytime,” Steph replied. 

As my wife slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.” 

If you want to impress me, don’t send me nude pics, send me pics of your garden so I know we’re still gonna eat when all this stuff starts really hitting the fan…

Don’t trust or take medical advice from anyone who would LEAVE YOUR ASS IN AFGHANISTAN!!!

The National Oil Reserve is for emergency use only, not for leadership incompetence!

If BLM expects reparations for what happened 200 years ago, why aren’t they offering to pay for what they broke, burned down and destroyed over the last 3 years?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.

Boy, ain’t that the…

Tombstone:

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped.

The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

That’s me…old as dirt.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”

“Well, your honour,” Dan started, “Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

“You’d better believe there is a difference, your honour. That’s why I want the divorce.” He replied.

And that’s it my friends.  May your days be blessed by God and filled with Love and Happiness.

It’s another Monday morning and the inspectors are gone, the weekend duty is over and all is well with the world!  Although, as I’m writing this, I’m still in the midst of all of the above, so pardon me if the screaming in my head is bothering you guys and just a bit loud.  And if it’s not bothering you guys, it sure as heck is bothering me!  My goodness, is it ever LOUD!

Anyway, hopefully, by the time you guys are reading this it will all be over and it will be over for the best and I’ll be a happy camper.  Otherwise, I’ll be crying.

Are you sure the screaming in my head isn’t bothering you?

Anyway, I’m going to start laughing now, you guys want to join me?  I gotta do something to drown out these guys.  So, let’s go.

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, “What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?” 

“The hen lays eggs.” replied the little girl. “Very good!” said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, “What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?” 

“Well,” replied the little girl. “Turkeys can’t swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.” 

“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, “Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?” 

“Yes, I do” replied little Johnny from the city. “Bulls smile when you milk them.” 

This next one is an oldie, but always cracks me up.

Ordering a Pizza

CALLER:  Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:  No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER:  I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:  No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:  OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:  Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:  What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:  Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:  How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Chemistwhorehouse, 4 months ago.

CALLER:  I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:  But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:  I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:  WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:  I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:  Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

Welcome to the future

Old people quotes…

• “To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” – Oscar Wilde
• “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.” – C.S. Lewis
• “Old age comes at a bad time.” – San Banducci “
• “Inside  very older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” – Jennifer Yane
• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir
• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” – Bill Dane
• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain
• “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson.
• “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.”- Phyllis Diller
• “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner
• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do” – Phyllis Diller
• “Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns
• “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” – John Wagner
• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg
• “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins
• “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
• “Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.” – Ogden Nash
• “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown
• “At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns
• “I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.” – Unknown
• “Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty.” – Alexander Hamilton
• “The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot
• “At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.” – George Orwell
• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers
• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” – George Burns
• “I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” – Robert Brault
• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” – Unknown
• “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney
• “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzon
• “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
• “You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” – John Mendoza
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”- George Carlin
• “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
• “I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”- Barry Cryer
• “All men are the same age.” – Dorothy Parker
• “I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.” – Anonymous
• “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
• “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
• “Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.” – Conan O’Brien
• “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” – Albert Einstein
• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie
• “You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” – Hy Gardner
• “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain
• “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” – Joel Plaskett
• “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg
• “I’ve never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.” —Josh Billings
• “At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.” – Unknown
• “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns
• “The idea is to die young as late as possible.” – Ashley Montagu
• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
• “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” – George Burns
• “Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous

Dragon jousting or our equivalent of backyard cornhole. 

This one was sent in by Joe in NJ and I like it A LOT!!!

This was sent to me by a good friend

Are you a duck or and eagle
I was waiting in line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing I noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for me.
He handed me a laminated card and said: ‘I’m Wasu, your driver. While I’m loading your bags in the trunk I’d like you to read my mission statement.’
Taken aback, I read the card. It said: Wasu’s Mission Statement:
To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest, and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.
This blew me away. Especially when I noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!
As he slid behind the wheel, Wasu said, ‘Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.’
I said jokingly, ‘No, I’d prefer a soft drink.’
Wasu smiled and said, ‘No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, lassi, water, and orange juice.’
Almost stuttering, I said, ‘I’ll take a lassi since I’ve never had one before.’
Handing me my drink, Wasu said, ‘If you’d like something to read, I have Good Housekeeping magazine, Reader’s Digest, The Bible, and a Travel + Leisure magazine.’
As they were pulling away, Wasu handed me another laminated card, ‘These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you’d like to listen to the radio.’
And as if that weren’t enough, Wasu told me that he had the heater on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for me. 
Then he advised me of the best route to my destination for that time of day. He also let me know that he’d be happy to chat and tell me about some of the sights or, if I preferred, to leave me with my own thoughts.
‘Tell me, Wasu,’ I was amazed and asked him, ‘have you always served customers like this?’
Wasu smiled into the rear view mirror. ‘No, not always. In fact, it’s only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard about power of choice one day.’
‘Power of choice is that you can be a duck or an eagle.’
‘If you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you’ll rarely disappoint yourself. Stop complaining!’
‘Don’t be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.’
‘That hit me right,’ said Wasu. He continued and said, ‘It is about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.’
‘I take it that has paid off for you,’ I said.
‘It sure has,’ Wasu replied. ‘My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I’ll probably quadruple it. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on it.’
Wasu made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start soaring like eagles.
Have an eagle life ahead…..

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you’re probably the executioner.

– Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Team captain of our volleyball team warming up.

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.

After a while, they came upon a small cabin.

Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.”

He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.”

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

Not sure if it’s true but could be:

 

As part of its new disaster recovery plan, this Australian company takes out a lease on a secondary site about an hour outside of town from its headquarters, says an IT consultant hired to advise the company. 

“The place was perfect,” the consultant says. “It was an old warehouse that had been converted into offices and a call center. It had everything, and the owner was happy to sign a long lease, as the property had sat vacant since the dot-com collapse.” 

Six months later, the company is ready for a trial run of its disaster plan and invites the consultant back to watch the drill. 

“Everyone turns up at work and is told that due to ‘biowarfare,’ the office is unusable for the foreseeable future,” he says. “Everyone grabs what they can, then climbs onto a bus and heads off to the country.” 

An hour and a half later, the bus pulls up at a lovely piece of land, vacant except for some construction machinery. 

“Where’s our secondary site?” the company CEO chokes out. 

“The site was sold two months ago,” workers tell him. “We’re just finishing the leveling.” 

“What about the furniture and equipment inside the old building?” asks the CEO. 

“It was all just bulldozed into the landfill at the back of the lot,” the crew’s foreman says. 

After another long bus ride and several days of witch-hunting, the truth comes out. 

“A junior accountant had been given the job of looking for wasted expenditure and had come across the lease on the secondary site,” says the consultant. 

Since the company had no business out that way and the site did not produce any income, he had deduced that it was a wasted expenditure and had the lease cancelled. 

The owner of the site had then, in disgust, sold the property. 

That accountant is still looking for gainful employment.  

Not sure if it’s true or not, but it sure does sound like a government job.

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, “Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex.” The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, “Omigosh! Four people having sex!” 

Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, “One man having sex.” 

Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, “Two woman and one man having sex.” 

The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, “Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex.” 

To which the man replies, “Me? You’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures!” 

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely…

So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 

• “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. 
• “She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.

• “She will praise you! 

• “She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
• “She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
    ….
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
Of course the rest is history!!!!

Always follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Anon

I have the deepest respect for nurses.  The have a very special place in my heart.  Love them.  I can honestly say that they have kept me alive several times.  My mom was an RN.  So, yeah.

Sadly, that’s the only political one I have for today.  But, we’ll throw a few more regular ones in before we close this issue out.

Every night, my wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: “Dinner’s on the table — come and guess it!”

My wife is kind of an old-fashioned cook. In fact, to this very day, she still makes radio dinners.

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.

The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly licensed driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years!”

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat. 

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, “By fur, Miss?” 

The teacher replies, “Not quite right, Mary, but a good try.” 

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, “Me, Miss!” “Me, Miss!” 

The next student the teacher’s picks is Peter, and he answers “Is it attached by skin, Miss?” 

The teacher replies… “Not quite right either, Peter… Anyone else want to try?” 

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, “What do you think the tail is attached by?” 

Johnny replied, “Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat… I’d say, it would have to be bolted on!” 

This is a very long and very ridiculous story … and I laughed so hard I almost cried!  Thanks Joe!

My penis made me locally famous. I didn’t find out about it until I got to University. Before then my experience of women was non- existent. I’d been at a boys’ school, and anyway I was pretty spotty.  I couldn’t believe when, all of a sudden, at the Fresher’s Ball, I was snugging. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn’t have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my…. — She stopped. 

“Oh my goodness!” she said, incredulous, “Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!” 

Melanie (her name) wasn’t a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she’d bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She’d hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet. 

“It does!” she exclaimed suddenly. “It bloody well DOES!!” 

Two weeks into University I was still a virgin.  I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as ‘incredible’, ‘amazing’, ‘Bournville’, ‘Swiss’ and ‘Belgian’ exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor rubbed off.  It didn’t. 

I went to the Doctor. She didn’t believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve. 

Okay, so I’ll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous.  People who didn’t know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. “What’s he got?”, they seemed to ask themselves. 

But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch.  Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over.  I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob. 

When I say “everyone”, it’s not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka. 

Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn’t take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw 
no one. 

I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.  Because I didn’t have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First and went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air.  Fantastic! 

It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn’t been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.  I’d seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point. 

“Oral sex”, she had concluded, “is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won’t do it ever again. Ever. Thank you.” 

She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her. 

Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn’t interested. But then it all happened.  Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies.  Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field… 

“No!” she said. 

She took me by the scruff of the neck. “Not there!” 

I stopped. 

“Why not?”, I asked. 

“I knew it”, she said firmly. “I won’t do it to you in return. I won’t. Not…” 

“I know,” I assured her. “I *want* to do it to you. But I don’t want you to do it to me, ever.” 

“You will”, she said, “You will! I knew this would happen…” 

I didn’t listen to her. I knew. There was no way I’d let her even if she wanted to.  Never.  

I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs 
wider and I — 

I lifted my head up. 

“Guinness!” I cried, “Guinness!!” 

And that’s it for now.  Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs!  May your week be filled with Love and Happiness.

Well, as promised, stated, or threatened in my last episode today is still Monday and here I am starting Saturday’s issue.  It’s going to be a long week and here I am being responsible and getting ahead.  So, you know what that means, right?

Earthquakes, pestilence, the apocalypse and what might very well be the end of everything.

Or not.

I’m not really sure.  Me being responsible is really treading on unexplored territory, if you know what I mean.

Being this close to the last one, there isn’t much for me to talk about right now, so let’s get started with the fun stuff.

That is EXACTLY what she looks like.

I went into Burger King today, the woman serving had a badge on her left breast that said “Pat”. 

To cut a long story short, I am now banned from Burger King.

I was told watermelons can’t get married.
However, no one said they cantaloupe.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Another picture from the Dragon Forest.

I was asked to visit a little kid’s school class and after our question and answer time one of the kids drew this picture of what they thought I looked like when I changed from my dragon to my human form … or maybe it was from my human to my dragon form, I don’t really remember now.  Obviously they got it completely wrong, but it still was a really cute attempt.

Well, in the Dragon Forest, there is obviously Dragon Laffs, Inc.  And Dragon Laffs, Inc has furniture in different rooms and I’m going to start showing you some of the furniture in some of the rooms, intermixed with the memes and cartoons.  Enjoy!

Believe it or not, I’ve played that game several times in Indiana.

Really like the chair

90% of people are idiots.

I’m glad I’m in the other 20%.

See, we’re not all bad.  But, the third panel would actually show the dragon eating the knights.

That is a cool table!

And many soldiers are also warriors.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is, once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

That’s a bit…unusual.

I would love to sleep in this bed every night!!!  It is WAY COOL!!

This is so sad…

When I was a child, my father (although some say he isn’t really my father) cheated and didn’t love my family.
Later, my parents divorced.
Soon after my mother, who slept around, died in a car accident.
My brother and I had to live in my grandma’s old house.
The whole family lived on my grandma’s savings.
My uncle is thought to be a pedophile. 
Grandma just died.
Dad, who talks to the trees, and is now 73, had to go out to work to support the family.
Dad has cut me off without a penny because I married an actress.

Life just isn’t fair.

Prince Harry.

Wow!  That is beautiful!

Anyone know what these things are?  We are infested with these things.  Crawling in and out of holes all over the cavern.  As tall as a normal Imp.  They are all slightly different, but basically the same.

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs’ butts

What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died? “What color?”

A little girl in church asks her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

Her mother says, “White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life.”

The little girl thinks for a moment, then asks, “Then, why is the groom wearing black?”

A married man and his lover were enjoying dinner at a restaurant when he looks out the window and suddenly turns white as a ghost.

‘What’s the matter?’ his lover asked.

‘I can see my spouse walking hand in hand with someone across the street.’

His lover looks across the street and says, ‘Oh My Gawd! So can I!’

I don’t see it…

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual’?”

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit!)

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

FACT: Statistics show that teen age pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.

LAWYER’S OBSERVATION: ” I don’t know anyone here that’s been killed by a handgun.”

LITERATE PROCLAMATION: “We don’t want to open a box of Pandoras !”

YOGI BERRA SAID: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

WHAT A U.S.SENATOR Said:
“Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”
…Orrin Hatch Senator from Utah

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, “who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?” 

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. 

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, “yes, Johnny?” 

“Miss Figpot, it’s means lovely.” 

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, “Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?” 

“Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, ‘that’s lovely’. Dad replied to her, ‘Yep, it’s in different.'” 

And that’s it for today.  May your weekend be filled with God’s Blessings, Love and Happiness.