So, no complaints about Saturday’s issue being a crappy issue, so I guess you guys were satisfied with my super fast build.  Although somebody marked the email as spam and got me in trouble with Word Press.  They, of course, threatened to close down the website if I continued  to get “spam complaints” from people.  I wrote back to them and told them that the only people who were getting emails from my website were people who signed up to get email from my website.  If, after they signed up they then marked the email as spam then there wasn’t anything I could do about someone making a mistake or doing such things on purpose. 

I am now awaiting their response. 

Like a webserver is going to cut off someone who pays every year.  Sheesh.  But, I know that it was an automated email sent to me, but I am kinda curious to see if I get a response from them or not.

Anyway, it’s actually Saturday and I’m actually watching preseason football on TV. 

But Impish, didn’t you tell us that you cut off your TV service?

I did, as a matter of fact. But a buddy told me about a website called Streameast where ALL sports games are simulcast.  And I mean ALL sports games.  They have sports on there that I’ve never even heard of. 

So, I got to see the Colts get beat in their first pre-season game.  Which is one of the reasons that I don’t normally watch pre-season.  Most of the teams aren’t really trying, because they are too busy still checking out players under pressure.  So, they are putting in players and, more importantly, combinations of players, that they wouldn’t normally put in those situations.  And the Colts do that better (worse?) than a lot of other teams do.

But anyway, I digress and discuss silly stuff. 

My breakfast for Men’s Breakfast went very well.  It even came with a warning: 

Each batch, which was supposed to serve about ten people, but with those guys served about seven, had 15 eggs, 4 cups of cheese (3 different types), 1 lb. of thick cut bacon, 1lb. of sausage, and miscellaneous other stuff.  It went over pretty well.  Now, I just have to get 5 gazzillion things done this week before I leave for a week next week.  But, for now, let’s move on to the laughter, shall we? 

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “What a morning. I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs entering the subway. When I was on the ground two punks grabbed my wallet. I had to borrow subway fare from a stranger to get here.”

The boss responded, “And this took hour?”

Here’s one that’s really old and holds great meaning…

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming –WOW — What A Ride!

Queso = Spanish for cheese

K, so = Southern for here’s the plan and y’all probably ain’t gonna like it.

It’s good to keep a pet…ahhhh, but who is the pet and how is the owner.  Depends on which one you ask.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

People can have the same parents, live in the same house, and be raised by the same morals…but one still can be a crackhead and the other one a preacher, so you can’t say it was how somebody was raised.  It’s the decisions YOU choose to make!

Of all the things I lost, I miss my metabolism the most.

These new all body massage places are getting so high-tech!

Reading fiction is fun because for once the problems aren’t mine.

This is such an awesome cartoon

Heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, spleen, gall bladder, appendix. 

I thought you might appreciate my organ recital.

I bought my ex a chair, but the state won’t let me plug it in.

Me:  I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.

Boss:  You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

I once got sent out of class at school for being too sarcastic.  The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?”

I replied, “Hello?”

Very few things upset my wife, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

Now that we know the grid is struggling to keep up with energy demands of a few hot days, it seems like the right time to evaluate the plan to plug in 25 million electric cars EVERY single night.

Weird how they found every Jan 6th participant…but no one knows who brought coke to the party.

I wish I lacked common sense.

They all seem so happy…

Vegan food ain’t that bad once you add meat and cheese to it…

Rest Your Mind

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies”, and “Pampers”. while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em, and Pamper’em.  When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit.

I TOLD MYSELF THAT I SHOULD STOP

DRINKING

BUT I’M NOT ABOUT TO LISTEN TO A DRUNK THAT TALKS TO HIMSELF

I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself “How can anyone stoop so low?”

THE MOST TERRIFYING MOMENT IN LIFE IS WHEN THE TOILET REFUSES TO FLUSH AT SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE.

Do you ever get the urge to start organizing and then 2 hours later you’re just looking around at a mess like…

what the heck have I done?

Hired a handy man and gave him a list.
When I got home, only #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs! 

And that is it for today.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Okay, here’s the deal.  I am SOOOOO far behind.  It is now 1800 hrs. (6 pm) on Friday night and I am just NOW starting today’s (Saturday’s) issue.  I was supposed to have all day long to work on this.  I took today off work to do so.  But then I had the world’s worst night sleep last night and ended up not getting out of bed until after 0900 this morning, was dragging REALLY bad, then remembered I was supposed to meet a buddy for lunch so I could help him with his resume so he could get a new job working on base with me to get out of the pure crap job he has now, didn’t home from that until 1400 (2pm) and then Izzy reminded me that I promised to take her shopping this afternoon and I wasn’t going to break my promise to her, so we grabbed a pizza on the way home  and … here we are.  And even under normal circumstances it STILL wouldn’t be a big deal, except I am scheduled to make breakfast for “Men’s Breakfast” at the Church tomorrow morning.  My one time a year and have made arrangements to have the door to the Church unlocked at 6 am so I can be ready by 0730 when everyone is expecting to eat, which means that bare minimum I am waking up at 0530.  And after the crappy night last night.  I gotta get some serious sleep tonight.  SO!  I am going to give you guys the very best issue that I can give you in two hours time and then I gotta call it.  I’m going to apologize right now because I KNOW it’s not going to be up to my usual high standards, but I also know, that you will get some laughs and that’s what counts, right?  So, ….

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ……= Able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ……= Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ……………= Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED …= Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ………= Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY …………….= Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ……= Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER ………….= Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING ……………..= Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER …………….= Won’t make a decision

AGGRESSIVE …………………= Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS …= Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ……= Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES …….= Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT …= Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR ………..= Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED ………………= Back Stabber

LOYAL ……………………..= Can’t get a job anywhere else

From England:

QUIZ CONTESTANTS CONTINUED

National Lottery Jet Set Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er… Mexico?

Family Fortunes
1) Something a blind man might use?
A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name?
Heil
8) A famous Scotsman?
Jock
9) Some famous brothers?
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race?
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath?
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers?
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach?
A deckchair
14) A famous Royal?
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine?
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge?
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ?
Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom?
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home?
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs?
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac?
April
22) Something people might be allergic to?
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed?
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls?
A roof
25) Something Slippery?
A conman
26) A kind of ache?
A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping?
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white?
A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies?
Bananas
30) Something Red?
My sweater

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: 

“Mary had a little lamb, 
whose fleece was white as snow 
And everywhere that Mary went, 
the lamb was sure to go.” 

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.” 

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, 

“Mary had a little pig — 
An scrawny little runt. 
He stuck his nose in Mary’s Clothes 
And smelled her little . . .” 

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?” 

“Prose!” the teacher said weakly. 

So Johnny said, ” . . . Asshole.” 

Relaxing with friends

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs.

And therein lies my secret…

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: “Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug.”

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: “Drink!”

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. “God! That’s awful stuff!”

“Ain’t it, though?” replied the hillbilly. “Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.”

Here’s an oldie but very much a goodie.  I first heard it as an American Service Member being our hero of the story.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, “Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, “You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little FiFi is using that seat?”

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there?”. I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant….Imagine!”

The American didn’t say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

And … Ahhhhh! … Just as I remember it.  A most satisfying ending.

Dragon Dreams and other fantasy stuff!

And my dearest, what if you soar?

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run–anywhere. 

4. People call at 9 pmand ask, ” Did I wake you ???? “

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge. 

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13. You sing along with elevator music 

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list 

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. 

Also Forward this to every one you can remember 

A young missionary on his first term in Africa is out away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom.

This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him, so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.

He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy.

He closes his eyes, praying … but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading.

As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

 

Moral of the story:

 

Don’t try to read between the lions.

A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans.

After several correct responses, he was asked, “Which company originated the phrase ‘ Good to the last drop ‘?”

The contestant thought for a moment and replied, ” Otis Elevator? “

Not surprising.  Secretly, ALL girls love dragons.  And why not?  We’re irresistible.  

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. 

“Three times,” gasped Manny admiringly. “How’d you do it?” 

“It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.” 

“I gotta try it,” said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. 

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. “What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?” 

“What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

This next one is from our good friend and fellow camper, Joe from NJ

Critical info you should know before getting solar. ESPECIALLY if you’re putting it on your roof. I would not trust anything a door to door salesman said. Watch this entire report!

…Joe

My friend asked me where he could meet women who scream loudly in bed…

I took him to a maternity ward.

Whoever has my Voodoo Doll, can you please take some stuffing out of the stomach area?

That is EXACTLY what’s going on!

And THAT is exactly what’s going on!  Why can’t people SEE IT!!!!!!!!

If there really is an alien invasion…does that mean the dating pool has expanded?  Because at this point…maybe it’s worth a shot.

I admire those with hairstyles.  I don’t have a hairstyle.  I have hair.  Most days, it has zero caterpillars in it.  That’s as good as it gets.

I regret to inform you that my brain will think it’s the year 2000 until the day I die. 
When is 30 years ago?
1970. 
How long ago were the ’90s? 
10 years ago. 

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on.  So I’ve never understood rock climbers.  By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock.  You are done.  You have peaked.  You don’t have to keep climbing rocks.  Unnecessary.

We were driving past a cemetery and my Dad said in a dead serious quiet voice, “I know something you don’t know about this place.  The people living in the town aren’t allowed to be buried here.”  And I was really confused so I asked why and he said, “Because they’re still alive.”

Have you ever thought, “I’m fat.  I’m old.  I’m worn out.”

I was young once.  To all my female friends from 50 years old and up:  Most of us are going through the next phase of our lives.  We’re at that age where we see wrinkles, gray hair, and extra pounds.  We see the cute 25-year-olds and reminisce.  But we were also 25, just as they will one day be our age.  We aren’t the “girls in their summer clothes” anymore.  What they bring to the table with their youth and zest, we bring our wisdom and experience.  We have raised families, run households, paid the bills, dealt with diseases, sadness, and everything else life has assigned us.  Some of us have lost those that were nearest and dearest to us.  We are survivors.  We are warriors in the quiet.  We are women, like a classic car or a fine wine.  Even if our bodies aren’t what they once were, they carry our souls, our courage, and our strength.  We shall all enter this chapter our our lives with humility, grace, and pride over everything we have been through, and we should never feel bad about getting older.  It’s a privilege that is denied to so many.

Amen and well said.

Paddy goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with Jack’s wife.  Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”

Mike doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to Jack, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally Jack gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confessed to Jack, “Paddy is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

Jack smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home now.  My wife died a year ago.”

Please ignore the “Best Before Date” on a can of baked beans.

They are the WORST thing you can eat, before going on a date.

And that my dear friends has got to wrap it up!  Don’t forget about our contest.  I haven’t had ANYONE try for the youngest reader yet.  No one’s willing to go out on t hat ledge?  Okay, don’t we even have any 30 year old readers?  Come on folks!!!!  I’m really trying here!!!

Until Monday, everyone of you, stay blessed of the Lord.

Okay, so it’s been a tough weekend.  I know you are reading this on Thursday, but I’m falling behind in my getting ahead of dragon laffs.  I have the one for tomorrow, Monday, ready to go … and that’s it!  Not that long ago, I had three ahead.  Now, I’m behind. and I have to try to get caught up again so I have some saved up for when I’m gone for a week.  I’ll be gone from the 20th to the 26th.  I HOPE I’ll be able to do some while I’m gone, but since I’ve never been here before and since I’ve never been to this type of conference before and since it’s touted as being this super secret squirrel thing…who knows what I’ll be able to get accomplished?

So, I’m gonna try to get ahead…but right now I’m going to quit for a little bit.  Feed the dogs, feed the Izzy dragon and come back in a little bit.  While you’re waiting for me to come back, why don’t you guys laugh at a couple of funnies…

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge. The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the Judge.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the Judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. The lady there gave me some forms to fill out. I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card.”

“And?” prodded the Judge.

“And then the guy behind that counter said, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ So I stabbed him.”

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo”.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “the curlers are on the house.”

Well, I was right, it’s been one of those weeks.  It’s now Wednesday.  I went home early from work today because I feel like crap.  I have a meeting with a lawyer this afternoon to work on my Will, then I have my Jail Ministry tonight and Izzy is working tonight so I have to pick her up late, technology still hates me, but in much more subtle ways.  About two weeks before I have to go to Colorado, so I hope I have time to do Dragon Laffs while I’m there.  It’s all just AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tolkien was a genius when it came to us dragons.  One of the few humans who “got” us.

Here’s an old one that’s been told many different times and many different ways.  Well, here it is told another time and another way:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?’

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Boy, isn’t that the truth.  I go to bed at night almost cold and sometime in the middle of the night, someone throws on the blast furnace and suddenly I’m sweating to death.

Thanks to Sasquatch for sending me this next article.  Quite interesting…

Illinois Gov. Pritzker allows non-US citizens to become police officers with new law: ‘Fundamentally bad idea’

Critics slammed the law allowing eligible foreign nationals to become police officers as ‘madness’

Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signed a bill into law that allows non-U.S. citizens to become police officers in the state, angering critics who slammed the idea of foreigners arresting American citizens as “a fundamentally bad idea.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.foxnews.com/media/illinois-gov-pritzker-allows-non-us-citizens-become-police-officers-new-law-fundamentally-bad-idea

Mike Rowe on Shark Week

Last year, sixteen people were killed by these ridiculous looking birds – twice the number killed by sharks. Don’t be fooled by their goofy looks. Ostriches are dinosaurs – just like sharks. They stopped evolving a long time ago. They can go from 0 to 45 mph in a few seconds. They can kick with 2,000 pounds of force. Their razor sharp talons can disembowel a man in the blink of an eye, and their breast bones are thick enough to stop a bullet. Plus, they walk around with that crazy, jacked up “backward knee-thing” popular with aliens and ghouls who crawl across ceilings in bad horror movies. Couple years ago, I saw an ostrich charge into a door that someone left open on an F-150. Tore the thing right off its hinges. Ostrich Week – I’m telling you, it’s a ratings grabber, guaranteed.

Or what about snakes? Whenever I got bitten by a snake, ratings went through the roof. Like sharks, snakes come in hundreds of species, live mostly out of sight, and inspire a deep-seated, primal dread. But unlike sharks, the fear inspired by snakes is somewhat justified. Snakes kill over 50,000 people every year, and maim a whole lot more. I know this because I just narrated a video for The World Health Organization, which officially freaked me out. I’m telling you, a snake bite from a cobra or a viper will make you yearn for an encounter with a Great White. Snake Week = Ratings Gold.

Of course, for sheer death, the best creature to feature would have to be the mosquito. Last year, mosquitos killed over 750,000 people. That’s 749,992 more than sharks. True, a mosquito won’t bite you in half, but aside from killing with impunity, they’re annoying in ways a shark can’t begin to match. A reporter from Outside Magazine once asked me to identify the most terrifying sound in the animal kingdom, expecting me I guess to invoke the growl of tiger, (which kills hundreds,) or the trumpeting of an angry elephant, (which also kills hundreds,) or maybe the mournful howl of the timber wolf, (also deadlier than sharks, by far.) But I went with the high-pitched whine of a mosquito vectoring in on my neck, moments before falling asleep. Not only does that sound remind me of every blood-borne disease there is, it requires me to leap out of bed, turn on the lights, and embark on a relentless quest to kill the little bastard with my slipper before going to sleep. I simply can’t rest with a mosquito in the house. Mosquito Week would be a real eye-opener.

When you finally turn on to that last street and you can see your driveway after a long trip or a hard day at work…

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

Our very good friend of the show, and fellow camper Joe from NJ sent us these “Trueisms” 

* Money can’t buy happiness… but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re ok…

* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  (Or a bad example)

* The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.

The waiter said “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

That’s actually not a bad explanation

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. 

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. “I need to borrow two hundred dollars” he says. 

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.” 

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father. 

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly.” 

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!” 

Sandra’s wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn’t going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. 

Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! 

Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. “Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. “I’m going to wear this dress and I’m going to look like a million in it!” 

Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s YOUR special day, not hers.” 

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.” 

With a sheepish grin, Theresa replied, “Of course, I do, dear! I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!” 

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood pressure.

“The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,” Joe said,

“Well, did you quit,” asked Jack.

Joe replied, “Sure did. You think I’m a dummy or something? I haven’t had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!”

I want to share a comment that one of our friends of the show, fellow camper and I guy I’ve been corresponding back and forth with has sent in.  He’s a great guy, we agree on a LOT of different topics and where we disagree, we behave like grown up adults (Washington D.C. are you paying attention?!) and we talk about it!  We debate … with the goal of expressing our point of view in the hopes (however delusional) of changing the others mind.

John,  we agree more than either one of us would probably admit and disagree more than either of us would like. 

I disagree on the Obamas.  I think the upper ranking democrats have their own agenda as their top priority and the benefit of the United States is WAY TOO FAR down the list of priorities if it even appears on there at all.

I think Chris Christie, DeSantos, and several other people would be better Presidents than Trump.  The problem is, I don’t believe that any one of them are electable unless or until Trump is knocked out.  Plus, Trump is a proven commodity.  He did a great job the last time he was president, even if he was a bit acerbic.  But, I do believe he is past his prime.

I agree with you almost completely on the song and could probably be easily persuaded to your side on the rest with further discussion.  What pisses me off about it all is the idiots screaming about it being a racist song.  It is not.  If you see it that way then you need to examine the person in the mirror for racism.

I do not agree with you completely on Jan 6, as we both know, but I also have insider information that you may not have (that sadly, I can’t talk about here) that sheds completely different light on the whole situation.  Trump didn’t incite anything, he told everyone to behave themselves.  But, the fact that he was dumb enough to think that once the fix was in on the election there was anything that he could do about it after the fact was awfully naïve for a business man of his caliber.  And if nothing else, the way he behaved from that point forward shows me that he is no longer ready to be president, but he is still better than what we have now.

And I agree, he is in just as crappy shape, if not worse physically as Biden.

Why is it we can’t get a decent younger (45-50ish?) man or woman.  We all know that there has to be some really smart, dynamic people out there who would do a GREAT job.  The problem is that they won’t play ball with the political machine and they aren’t super rich.  The two requirements needed in today’s politics.  And that is going to be the downfall of this country.  We need a God fearing individual to take the reins to do what’s right, for the right reasons.

And lastly, to your history lesson, I would say that for some reason those buildings were either protected or of no interest.  No interest because there was nothing of value in them or nothing worth burning or protected in that politically protected, gang protected, etc.  At that point in time I was a YOUNG teenager living on the other side of the country (New Jersey) and had very little idea of things that were happening in our world. 

Thanks for your letter my friend.  I enjoy talking with you.  I think if I was feeling better and had more time, I could’ve given you more of a response.  

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.  She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. 

She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time.” 

The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. 

It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.” 

The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?” 

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.

“Oh,” sobs the old lady, “I want to have a look  the frozen puddings but, as you can see,  there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”

“No problem,” says Olaf, lifting her onto his back, “I’ll take you.”

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back.  She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady’s husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

“I’d really like to thank you,” says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, “but I don’t even know who you are!”

Olaf just smiles, waves and walks off.

“I was really worried about you,” says the old lady’s husband.  “What have you been doing?”

She replies, “Well, I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.”

Yup!

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs.

Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his “monster” seemed to be lacking a certain “je ne sais quoi” in his life.

He and Mrs. Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and the Missus suddenly had a bright idea. “Maybe he needs a mate.”

“Good idea, my dear,” said the doctor. “Let’s create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine’s Day.”

So, they worked day and night and finally got the lady “monster” ready in time to “wake her up” on Valentine’s Day.  The original creation was there beside Dr. and Mrs., just jumping from one foot to another in eager anticipation of the solution to this cravings.

As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, “Look! She about to speak!”

The new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice: “Oooooo —oo! Head—-ache!”

A group of scientists in Britain announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time.

This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show.

If men are from Mars
And women are from Venus
I can only assume the “other genders” are pulled out of Uranus.

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. 

Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. 

Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. 

Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. 

Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. 

Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. 

Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. 

Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. 

Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. 

Chain saw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. 

Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice 

Try Coffee

Power corrupts.  Absolute power is really kind of neat. 

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 

Press to test. <click> Release to detonate! 

Professionals are predictable… amateurs are dangerous 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

No they really aren’t.

A couple of final things to wrap things up.  

I’m cooking Men’s Breakfast at church on Saturday morning and tomorrow…well, today, while some of you guys are actually reading this, I’m testing out my experimental breakfast on a smaller scale for the guys at work.  I’m making this recipe up…well, not completely, but adapting something I found … and I think it’s going to be really good.  But, if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll have 24 hours to find something else.  I’ll let you know.

You remember in the last episode we started a … contest?  Not really a contest, but more of a survey, looking for the oldest and the youngest camper that we have amongst us.  Here it is from Issue #2211

A lot of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one.

I wonder if we even have any youngsters on here.  I know we have some oldsters on here.  I know for a fact that there are several of you out there in your 70s.  So let’s do a poll.  In fact, let’s do two polls.  Here’s the first one.

If you are in your 80s or over and are a regular reader of Dragon Laffs send an email to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and tell me how old you are.  And in case of a tie, send me month and year of birth.  Oldest person I’ll send a questionnaire to or something and do a profile of them in Dragon Laffs (if they are willing) to share them with their fellow campers.

Same thing for the youngest regular reader.  That one is going to be a little tougher.  I’m just guessing here.  Let’s say for youngest let’s start with anyone in their 30s or below.  And same deal.  I’m come up with some sort of way of doing a profile on you for Dragon Laffs…again, if you’re willing.  

Put either “oldest” or “youngest” in the Subject line of the email.  And let’s do a cut off of say August 28.  That’s 3 weeks from today and the Monday after I get back from Colorado.  How does that sound to you guys?  This could be great fun!

Well, I only got 3 responses so far, so let’s keep those cards and letters coming!  And right now, I have GOT to go.  You guys be well, be safe and May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s Monday…well, it’s Monday that you are reading this, it’s actually Wednesday that I’m writing this.  You’re reading this after I’ve worked all weekend teaching CBRN Defense tactics to a bunch of Traditional Reservists.  I’ve got about 3/4 of a class scheduled for Sunday or about 15 people.  I’m hoping for a good class.  It’s the best part of my job…my day job.

You guys are the best part of my night job.  I love doing this job.  I would rather spend time doing this, pushing out dragon laffs, talking with you guys than just about anything else.  My church ministries are about the only thing I get more satisfaction out of. 

So, we’re going to jump in on the laffs right away and we’ll talk some more as the issue goes on.

Kids aren’t afraid of the full moon, they’ll play in it’s light.
Kids aren’t afraid of the water, they will learn to survive it as infants.
Kids aren’t afraid of Clowns, the real Clowns, they will laugh for hours.
Kids aren’t afraid of people, they will walk up to strangers and talk.
Kids aren’t afraid of Ghosts, they are the ones who see and hear them.

Kids aren’t afraid of Magic, they will look for it everyday.

MOM’S SPECIAL BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. “no, no.”

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.

Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Yeah, I got no idea, but it’s a cool picture

So, let’s do a little mail.  I got this one from … well, just read it yourself:

This link is cool as heck!  It’s from Stephanie, of course, and I don’t have a chance in heaven of being able to follow it!!!! https://www.facebook.com/reel/3497159433902389

The funny thing is that’s EXACTLY what her expression looks like!!!

When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area.

After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer.

The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.

The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.

It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

It was nice for a while…but then she got to be really high maintenance.

And while we’re talking about high maintenance and stuff…Stephen B., one of our regular regulars, sent me this out of the blue confession that really threw me for a loop.  Of all of our regular campers, I really didn’t expect it from him.  This is what he wrote.

I better admit it before you hear it from someone else. 

Some years ago, I made a sex tape. 

I was desperate for money. 

Please don’t think bad of me.

I don’t think badly of you, brother, we all do things we aren’t proud of when we get strapped for cash.  Some of the things I’ve done, I’m not really proud of.  But this is your confession, not mine.  Well, then in an attempt to come really clean and bare his soul, he sent me a still from the thing!  I wasn’t sure what to do with it, but then I  thought I ought to share it with you guys, so… here it is.  I will give you a chance to get the kids out of the room first.  It’s right below the arrows.

Hey!  It wasn’t my Sex Tape.  I just gave it a little extra hype.

Royal chairs are rarely throne out

A good way to get smarter is “by degrees.”

“Mommy likes Microsoft Windows ’cause she never has to wash them,”

Whats the definition of a farmer? A man who is outstanding in his field.

“Aren’t the sounds of the brook lovely?” Tom babbled.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, “My patients is wearing thin.”

Man who run in front of car, get tired.

Man who run behind car, get exhausted

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article.

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me.

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions?

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now?

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really?

Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there.

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

MOM’S SURVIVAL TIPS

1. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won’t.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

8. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

10. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

A week or so ago, maybe two, I put an old cooks thermometer in my car to see how hot it got sitting out in my parking lot at work.  I hit an all time high the other day…

And that wasn’t even the hottest part of the day.

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!”

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

“I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

As I normally am, but only with my dear friends and fellow campers

Instead of locking up merchandise in stores, we should be locking up the people who steal it.

Just saying…

Can someone please update me on what’s offensive today. 

It’s hard to keep up.

Yeah, I ain’t buyin’ it either, kid!

NOTHING!!!!!

And that makes perfect sense to them and we are supposed to accept that with a smile on our faces.

And that’s because John Kerry is the PERFECT example of…

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Get ready folks, that’s your President before the 2024 election.  You know the democratic party is going to get rid of Joe before the election so that he doesn’t have any possible chance of running in 2024.  They are in the process of undermining him right now.  That puts that moron as the first black woman as president.  Which opens the door for the first ELECTED black woman for president.  And guess who that’s going to be.  Michele Obama.  Yup, we were talking about that at work today and the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  (Yes, I know.  I want a DNA test, too to prove she’s a woman, but that’s how they are going to present her)  You know THAT election is already rigged.  She will be controlled by her husband, George Soros, and the entire democratic machine.  And you can kiss this country goodbye.  We have GOT to change the voting laws in ALL the states to outlaw these stupid electronic voting machines because they are FAR too easy to manipulate.  Otherwise this country is doomed.  And you remember where you heard it.  RIGHT HERE ON DRAGON LAFFS!

That’s an old trick that my mom taught me YEARS ago!

A lot of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one.

I wonder if we even have any youngsters on here.  I know we have some oldsters on here.  I know for a fact that there are several of you out there in your 70s.  So let’s do a poll.  In fact, let’s do two polls.  Here’s the first one.

If you are in your 80s or over and are a regular reader of Dragon Laffs send an email to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and tell me how old you are.  And in case of a tie, send me month and year of birth.  Oldest person I’ll send a questionnaire to or something and do a profile of them in Dragon Laffs (if they are willing) to share them with their fellow campers.

Same thing for the youngest regular reader.  That one is going to be a little tougher.  I’m just guessing here.  Let’s say for youngest let’s start with anyone in their 30s or below.  And same deal.  I’m come up with some sort of way of doing a profile on you for Dragon Laffs…again, if you’re willing.  

Put either “oldest” or “youngest” in the Subject line of the email.  And let’s do a cut off of say August 28.  That’s 3 weeks from today and the Monday after I get back from Colorado.  How does that sound to you guys?  This could be great fun!

It surely doesn’t happen very often!

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Ramón has an AK-47with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 – 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Monday at work, Maury was asking Pauly about Pauly’s date with Sandy the previous Friday night.

“So, how did things go?”

“It started out really well. We went to a fancy restaurant and had a great meal. Lots of good conversation, the music was nice and a perfect start to the evening.”

“So how was Sandy?” asked Maury, winking slyly.

“Stunning!” replied Pauly.

“I knew that she is a really good looking woman, but stunning?”

“Absolutely!” answered Pauly. “Right after I suggested we spend the night together, she hit me with the taser.”

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out aughing.

She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

He won the case.

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you’re perfect? 

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know? 

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith. 

Father: When was that? 

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot. 

That’s it my friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

And it’s Saturday and it’s August and it’s running right around again. 

I will be missing out on some time later on this month.  I have to go to Colorado Springs for a week.  And before you guys ask, I can’t tell you why.  It’s one of THOSE things.  I’ve never been there before.  I spent 6 months at Denver WAY back in 1977 for my first Tech School as a Weapons Troop.  I haven’t been back since.  And I’m going to pay a visit to brother Owl in September to help get him back on track after his stroke, so I may miss some time there as well.  So, we’re going to get as many laughs in as possible between now and then.

69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

Fred, Junior has been asking those questions again; about the difference between Classic Rock and Disco.  Maybe it’s time to have that little talk with him; about the Byrds and the Bee Gees.

We have the ability to hide in plain sight.

All          the          time.

Brilliant marketing scheme!

PLAGIARISM:  Getting in trouble for something you didn’t do.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
My legs for always supporting me.
And my fingers because I can always count on them.

Useless/Useful Fact #1:  The word “shark” was first used to describe an evil or nasty person long before it was the name of the animal.

Useless/Useful Fact #2:  The word “escalate” didn’t exist until about 30 years after “escalator” (it was formed by lopping off some letters from escalator).

One of Dragon Laff Embassies 

This next one is a creation by my buddy Wheats.

And this one was sent to me by Izzy because it perfectly represents our two dogs.  The bus is our good older dog Pepper and the train is our beast Willow.

I’m outdoorsy — 
as in I like drinking on patios

People think I go out of my way to piss them off…

Trust me…

…it’s not out of my way at all.

“PLANT BASED”

is the newest meaningless marketing term used to dupe people who know very little about nutrition but who “kinda-sorta” want to eat better.

THINGS THAT ARE PLANT BASED:

sugar, vegetable oils, flour, kid cereals, cocaine, heroin, Jack Daniels…

Truly, the human race is doomed.

FACT OF THE DAY:

Go to the Owl Cafe

Around late 2016 or early 2017, something new started popping up in Tokyo, Japan…Owl Cafes!  Jusat as the name implies, these are cafes where you can go to enjoy some coffee while in the company of owls.  You are allowed to interact with the owls and are even encouraged to pet them.

I have a friend of mine who was killed while riding a motorcycle who hit a dark horse on the road at night on a back road.  The police are sure he never even saw it, or if he did, he never had time to do anything about it.

Somebody needs help and shouldn’t write signs.

Doomed.  Just doomed.

My friend kept telling me vegetable jokes, I yelled, “Stop! PEAS!”

I would love to know what this tag was actually attached to.

I agree wholeheartedly with TheBlackSavageOne

Reminder:  Monopoly ends when no one can afford to live on the board anymore.
At that point, everything becomes worthless.  The money means nothing.  The hotels sit abandoned.  The only thing left is to restart the game and do it again.
It’s unsustainable.  It’s what we’re doing right now.

Izzy sent this last one to me.  I think there is a point where we can go too far, extreme far right nut-case person in Florida.  Back up a little, how about.

Oh please!  And we’re supposed to believe THIS stupid picture?

And how many of those 5 million jobs were actually people going back to work to the same jobs you morons took away during COVID?

Statistics:  The OTHER Side

When the lotter hit $1.6 billion: 146 million people bought tickets.
In the 2016 Presidential election, 136 million people voted. (10 million less)

To get more people to vote…

Every election we should pick one voter to win $1.6 billion

NAACP issues warning to African Americans to avoid visiting Florida; employees in restaurant and tourism industry brace for 0.00% drop in tips.

Daughter:  Dad, why does Ariel wear seashells? 

Me:  Well, because b shells are too small and d sh– 

Wife:  Stop!

I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

Biscuits and gravy is a weird dish.

It’s pretty much just really wet flour on really dry flour.

* 1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving *
People:  Won’t be me!

* 1 in 302,575,350 chance of wining in Mega Millions *
People:  You never know!

I’ve just bought an original Van Gogh painted coffee table.  I know it’s an original because there’s a bit of veneer missing!

I have come to the conclusion that I have a memory like Etch-A-Sketch.  I shake my head and forget everything.

I have so many questions…

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.  When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”

The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging?  Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete”, the bartender replied.

“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.

“Well,” says the bartender, “He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes.”

“How bizarre,” said the cowboy.  “What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling,” said the bartender.

Okay, if you didn’t see that coming from about 1/3 of the way through the joke, you really weren’t paying attention.

Actually, I know how this one happened.  I saw something similar in real life.  Either didn’t go in park or didn’t engage the parking brake.

I consider myself to be a generous person.  I won $5,000 in a local raffle and donated a quarter of it to charity.  I’m going to Hawaii with the other $4,999.75.

And that’s it my friend.  May God Bless you and keep you until you join with us again next time.