This one is full of cool stuff.  How do I know?  Because it’s already done and I’m adding the beginning at the end.  Why?  Because when I started this I didn’t have anything to say so I skipped the beginning and just got right to the fun stuff.

And you know what?  I still don’t have anything to say, so let’s get right to the fun stuff!

Fly in amber

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.” The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.

Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

Here’s a great football commercial sent in by Lynn…

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. 

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. 

That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated. 

“Liar, Liar, pants on … Holy Crap!”

One of the main reasons I didn’t have many friends when I was a kid…

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. 

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. 

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?” 

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.” 

“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband. 

“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?” 

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.” 

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you. 

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

“Spiders!  I HATE Spiders!!”

That one was worth it simply for the look on her face in the second picture.

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed. “Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’ll be so pissed if it’s not ready on time.” When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg – and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made for me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day.”

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, “You killed him “We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!

“How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him.

He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass.”

A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people.  It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.

Some people find fault like there is a reward for it!

And sometimes,
against all odds,
against all logic,
we still hope.

Hmmm, I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something, but I have no idea what.  Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

I’ve closed my dating agency for chickens.

I was struggling to make hens meet.

There should be a law that electric cars can ONLY be charged by wind or solar power.  If you’re giving up fossil fuel, then give it up.

Just a side note,,I dont worry about my mortgage or car payment anymore.

I’ve done the proper forms and  they now, both identify as ‘student loans’ !

Whoo Hoo,,vacation ,,here we come !

UK:  We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”

USA:  We call it Fall because leaf fall down

That awkward moment when you come home, look in the mirror, and think…”Did I look like this ALL DAY?”

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I have.  Until we meet again.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

Well, now it’s Monday…although in actuality, it’s still Friday while I start this one, so the weekend is still ahead of me.  My time off is still upcoming instead of behind me and I have time to show you guys some pretty cool stuff that has been shown to me!
Pretty cool, right?
Right!
Plus, I just remembered…it’s a LONG weekend.  It’s President’s Day!  That means that if Biden comes out of the White House and sees his shadow, we have 6 more months of inflation.  But…
BUT!!
It’s a REALLY good reason for me to have a paid day off, so who am I to complain.
Although the six more months of inflation kind of sucks. 

So, in that regard, I think we need to start this baby out, get some laughs in, get to talking about stuff, and let’s have some fun.

One Liners from Joe from NJ

• Retirement to do list: 
  • Wake up
  • Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
    
    
• Common sense is not a gift. 
  • It’s a punishment because you must deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

• I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. 
  • Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back.

• If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” 
  
  
• I don’t always go the extra mile, 
  • but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
    
    
• I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented……..
  • I forgot where I was going with this.
    
    
• Having plans sounds like a good idea 
  • until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
    
    
• Life is like a helicopter. 
  • I don’t know how to operate a helicopter either.

Okay, let’s jump into some of the cool stuff.  Here is a GREAT article from our dear Camper Friend Lynn on some of the stupid crap that’s going on right now…

Trains being derailed. UFO’s all over the place. Chickens struggling to lay eggs. Food processing centers on fire. Tons of people dropping suddenly.

Biden blows up Nord Stream pipeline: 400,000 TONS of gas gushes into the sea. Industrial disaster in Ohio: toxic chemicals spewing into the air & water Whales dying off the east coast. Where’s the Save the Oceans/Stop Acid Rain/Save the Whales crowd?

 Buttigieg made no mention of the Ohio train derailment while speaking at a conference this morning but did find the time to say that there are too many white people who work construction. It’s too bad that the people in Ohio currently being poisoned by the toxic fumes the government released into the air are mostly working class white people. They don’t check any of the identity boxes necessary for the Biden Administration to give a damn. Ohio may never recover from this.

Prayers for East Palestine Recently released bodycam footage shows Ohio reporter Evan Lambert getting arrested for doing what big media won’t: Ask real questions about toxic chemicals poisoning people’s water and air and killing thousands of animals. Where is FEMA?! East Palestine, Ohio is undergoing an ecological disaster bc authorities blew up the train derailment cars carrying hazardous chemicals and press are being arrested for trying to tell the story. Oh but UFO’s!

You are looking at a toxic cocktail of deadly chemicals purposefully being burned off in East Palestine after a train derailment. Authorities burned off vinyl chloride, which is toxic & carcinogenic, and released harmful & dangerous hydrogen chloride & phosgene into the air.  

Phosgene is a highly toxic, colorless gas with a strong odor that causes vomiting & breathing trouble & it was used as a chemical weapon in World War I. Hydrogen chloride is a colorless to yellowish gas with a strong odor, that causes skin, eye, nose, and throat irritation.

The vinyl chloride burn occurred near the Ohio River which flows directly into the Mississippi River.  

Thousands of farms may be affected by this.

The EPA sent a letter to the rail company, stating that ethylene glycol monobutyl ether, ethylhexyl acrylate, & isobutylene were also in the rail cars. “We basically nuked a town with chemicals so we could get a railroad open.” 

Amanda Breshears found her chickens dead ten miles from East Palestine. “As soon as they started the burn, my chickens slowed down and they died. If it can do this to chickens in one night, imagine what it’s going to do to us in 20 years.”

There are reports of dead fish in rivers and creeks 5 miles away from the train derailment. 

The East Palestine, Ohio, toxic chemical burn may be the largest environmental disaster in U.S. history.

This is more of a concise report than anything I’ve seen in any report, even the classified reports that I’ve seen on my side of the fence.  Nicely done Lynn!  Thanks for sharing with the rest of us!

“I drink to your charm, your beauty and your brains… Which gives you a rough idea of how hard up I am for a drink.”

– Groucho Marx (1890 – 1977),

One of a dozen different secretaries that work for us.

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public.

One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

“I’ll tell you what,” said the cynic, “ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I’ll pick up dinner. If not, you do”.

He then excused himself to visit the men’s room, and the other called the waitress over. “When my friend comes back,” he told her, “I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.’ There’s twenty bucks in it for you.”

She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. “The food was wonderful, thank you,” the mathematician started. “Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?”

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, “Um, one third x cubed?”

So the cynic paid the check.

The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, “…plus a constant.”

That is one HECK of a bumper!!

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the “miracle” products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, “Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.”

“Oh, you’re so sweet!”

“Well, hang on, I’m not done adding it up yet.”

Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. 

“What happened here?” he asks. 

“I think the waterbed busted,” says the trembling wife. 

Just then a naked guy floats by. 

“Who’s that?” demands the husband. 

“I dunno. Must be a lifeguard.” 

Only the rightful king can … blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, I know.  But, I’m gonna pawn the bloody thing cause I need the money!

This one is called New Jersey and it’s from Joe from NJ.  Surprising, right?

A girl says to her date, “You’re in for a real treat. I’ve been told that I have a body like New Jersey.” 

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, “What’s  this?” 

She replies “Middlesex.” 

He grabs her butt and asks “what’s  this?” 

She replies,”Freehold.” 

Then he grabs her breast and asks “what’s  this?” 

She replies,”Point Pleasant.” 

Finally, he reaches between her  thighs and says, “I guess this is Cherry Hill?” 

“No”, she replies, “That’s  Eatontown.” 

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says,  “Welcome to Wildwood!”

I guess you have to have been from there to get it.

A girl says to her boyfriend, “I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing.” 

“Really?” said the boyfriend. 

“Yes,” said the girlfriend, “and do you know what song they sing?” 

“No,” replied the boyfriend. 

“I didn’t think so,” she said. 

Here is another GREAT story.  This one from WWII.  Sent in from Joe from NJ.  A bit of a read, but well worth it!

What a great story and some fantastic pictures.  Thanks brother.

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a “Contract” for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “That other librarian we had could write.”

Here’s another oldie, but goodie…

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. “Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.” 

“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.” 

“You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. 

Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES UP?”       

Paddy goes into a plumbers and buys a bath. 

The next day he returns and tells the manager the water keep pouring out. 

“Did you put the plug in?” the manager asks. 

“Oh for Pete’s sake’ says paddy, ‘you didn’t tell me it was electric.’ 

The notion that you can simply “identify as” whatever you wish, and that everybody must instantly accept it and play along 100% without asking any questions, is possibly the stupidest idea in modern society.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call.

Ever since the price of eggs has gone up, chickens have been acting uppity.

“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king.  The palace becomes a circus.”

~ Turkish Proverb

There is not too many times that this next one can be shown.  Even if it were to be run twice in every episode.

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. 

3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. 

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 

6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why. 

7. A 2″ X 4″ Stud is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″. 

8. During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur,’ a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch). 

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries…) 

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. 

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 

13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver. 

14. The name ‘Wendy’ was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded ‘Wendy’ before. 

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??) 

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm. 

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA.’ 

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (And that is a more accurate description) 

20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet. 

23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. 

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. 

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???) 

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.” 

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing! 

29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. 

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries. 

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. 

32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

A woman was taking an afternoon nap.‍

‍When she woke up, she told her husband,‍  “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”‍

“You’ll know tonight,” he said. 

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book 
entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

And that’s it my friends.  Love and happiness to you one and all.

Well, it’s finally Saturday and I finally have a day off!  At last. And I plan on spending my day with you guys.  I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my day off.

Okay, truth in advertising…today is actually Thursday…Thursday night to be exact.  How could it be Saturday already if you were actually reading this on Saturday?  Actually, I will be spending my day on Saturday with you, but it will be working on Monday’s episode.  See how that works?

So, regardless of what episode it’s on, I’m still spending my time with you guys, my favorite campers in the whole, wide world!

So, let’s stop wasting time and get to it!

“Women should be obscene and not heard.” 

—Groucho Marx  (1890-1977)

Me: Exactly

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life 

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it off to her colleagues. 

As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. 

The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. 

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. 

Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. 

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you women are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” 

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the woman. 

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” 

“OH MY GOD!” screamed the woman. 

“Where’s my tennis bracelet?” 

♪♫”Sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away.”♫♪

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.

After a few minutes the two men obviously weren’t going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.

A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down.

With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.

At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph.

As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn’t catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: “You won’t believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!”

Stephen sent along the following caption for this amazing balloon picture above:

I drove 15 miles watching the weather balloon after it was shot down before I noticed it was bird crap.

Nice job, Stephen!

It’s 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor.  “Morris, why can’t you sleep?” she asks him.

“You know our next door neighbor, Sam.  I borrowed $1000 from him, and it’s due tomorrow morning and I don’t have the money.. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Morris replies. 

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window.  “Sam,” she shouts, and several times more, “Sam, Sam.” 

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, “What, what is it…it’s 3 AM, what do you want?” 

Goldie says, “You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn’t have it.” 

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor.” 

A Couple of Sentimental Poems

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh!  For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.


MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

“Holy Crap, he’s got Billy!  I told you we shouldn’t have stolen his magic goat!  Didn’t I say, leave the damn goat alone?  Didn’t I?”

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath.

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Son those are my breasts,” as she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?” she replies “Son that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks “Momma what is that?”

She replies “That son is none of your business!”

Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry.

The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, “Hey honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies “None of your business.”

The son shaking his head says “YUCK!”

The problem is, that is so difficult for people to do.  If they can’t enjoy it, they feel like NO ONE should enjoy it.

That works for me, because that’s the best they had at the time!

Why is it a wife can buy her husband a lawn mower for Christmas, but if he buys her a vacuum cleaner, it’s a death sentence?

When you understand WHY that makes perfect sense, then you are on your way to being a happily married man.

Probably not the only clue, either.

Doug and Tammy were having a very heated argument.

Tammy shouts at Doug, “You don’t deserve a woman like me.”

Doug retorted, “Yeah, well I don’t deserve arthritis either, but I got that too.”

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn’t concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he’d jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her.

When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I’m a woman and you’re a man . . . “

The repairman could hardly speak when he said, “Yes; yes!”

“And I’ve been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door…”

“Yes; yes!”

She continued, “Would you help me move the refrigerator?”

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby.

He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, “You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one.”

Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he is the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, “There is another on the way, so call back later.”

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer.

When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket score.

When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: “The score is ninety-six all out,” says the voice, “and the last one was a duck.”

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend.

He found the man’s e-mail address and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: “I have put on some weight, but I didn’t realize it was that noticeable.”

His friend’s hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: “Hi, Ron. I didn’t know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

So much truth in that!

So, murder is essential healthcare?  Wow!

You think that sounds crazy?  They are ALREADY talking about it!!!  Just like being able to shut off your electricity, your bank account, all kinds of stuff, if they don’t agree with your posts, your opinions, or how you behave in public.  ALREADY TALKING ABOUT IT!!

No kidding!!!

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here”, says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Hey, me too!

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. 

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. 

She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, “I  guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.” 

One  of the men immediately replies, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. 

You should have taken golf lessons instead.” 

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, 

but the realization of how much you already have.

Well, lots of stuff coming up on Monday.  Things I wanted to put into today’s issue, but I ran out of time.  So, until we meet again, may God bless you with Love and Happiness.

Well, I’ve got really nothing to say and no time to talk if I want to get this issue out, so my apologies for not having a lot to say with this one, but enjoy the laughs.

This is from Joe in NJ and it really touched me.  Thanks Joe.

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me — it is crucial to my well being.

4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment.

5. You have your work, your entertainment, and your friends. I only have you.

6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me.

7. Be aware that how ever you treat me, I will never forget.

8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you.

9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting too old and weak.

10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: “I cannot bear to watch” or “Let it happen in my absence.” Everything is easier for me if you are there, even my death.

I found this and thought I would share to remind us all to treasure the humans and dogs in our life 🙂

Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Glendale, AZ at State Farm stadium Sunday Feb 12.
They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the
same day as his wedding.
If you’re interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It’s at St. Paul’s Church on North Avenue at 3 pm.  Her name is Ashley and she is 5’5 and about 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.

“Hey!  Shut the damn door!  This is private!”

Philosophy of sex

 

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

–Tom Clancy

 

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”

–Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

–Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

–Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”

–Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”

–Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

–George Burns

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

–George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”

–Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex —no matter what she’s reading.”

–Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

–Jack Nicholson

 

” Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

–Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Divorce, Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

–Roseanne Barr

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

–Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

–Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”

–Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”

–Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

–Rod Stewart

God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

–Robin Williams

Walking can add minutes to your life…

• This enables you at 85 years old …
  • to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  
  • Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
• I like long walks, …
  • especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning, … 
  • before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 Dollars.  
  • Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently, you have to go there!
• Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, …
  • I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• I do have flabby thighs, …
  • but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, … 
  • they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, …
  • start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years …… 
  • just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.  
  • That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND… 

• Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, 
  • I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

I just realized that I’ve been married over 25 years and my wife has never had laryngitis. What a rip-off.

“Come sit on my lap little girl and tell me what you want for … Valen … or … um … Christmas.  Yeah, Christmas.”

“Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me.”

“And you’re asking my permission to marry her?”

“No, I’m asking you to make her leave me alone!!”

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.

His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn’t.

My friend, Diane, was chatting with her brother, Charles, a business executive who had retired last year.

While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years. “Afraid of injuries?” Diane asked.

“Well, now I am,” he responded. “Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I’d be messing up my golf game.”

I think my brother is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas. 

Then he just sits there and looks at them. 

When I asked him why, he said he was just … minding his peas in queues. 

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, “Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so Just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”

“Lucky?” he screamed. “Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.”

“Damn!” says the bingo caller. “You’ve won the raffle as well.”

This is SO COOL!  And the stuff that science fiction is made of:

Stephanie sent us this Great story.  Thanks Steph!

She was young. She was slender. She was waiting tables at a little joint. The kind of cafe you’ve seen a hundred times before, in every small town backwater from here to forever. 

They served bathwater coffee. Shingle toast. Hamburgers fatty enough to cause aortic embolisms. 

The waitress wore red shoes. Ballet flats. They were scuffed and faded leather. She always wore red shoes because they were her trademark. Ever since girlhood. 

Growing up poor does something to a kid. Growing up during a Great Depression rewires the human brain. Whenever this girl had extra money, she bought shoes. And they were always flagrant red.  

She was not yet 16. But she was like all the children in her generation, mature, many years before her time. 

She was tall and elegant. A young Katherine Hepburn comes to mind. Maybe Bacall. Her dark hair was pulled back so that her long neck showed. She looked like a queen among mortals. When she walked, every eye followed her.  

There were several workmen sitting in a booth. They were difficult customers. They made her life miserable. They complained about their orders. They sent their food back to the kitchen multiple times. 

She did her best to serve them with charm and grace, but she kept making mistakes. The restaurant owner was called. He took the cost of their meals out of her pay. He gave the girl a scolding in front of everyone. 

And that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the disgruntled men in the booth tipped her one penny. 

One. 

She cried until her makeup ran. One penny was worse than getting spit at. 

But this is life. You couldn’t stop working just because you got your feelings hurt. The workday must go on. This was a Great Depression. Money didn’t grow in the backyard. There were no such things as cigarette trees or big rock candy mountains.  

One of her customers that day was a navy man. He was wearing his service whites. Dixie Cup hat. He was carrying a heavy duffel sack. He looked sunburned and tired. He was on leave. 

She waited on him. The man said he’d seen what happened earlier. He had seen how difficult the other customers had behaved. She started crying all over again, despite her phony smile. 

“Don’t worry about me, sir. I’ll be okay.” 

The navy man spoke something to her in a foreign tongue. It sounded like Italian. Or maybe Spanish. Or something like that. It sounded to the girl as though he were speaking an old proverb. Or an ancient blessing, maybe. 

His bright eyes were glazed with emotion. And his lower lip was quivering. “Don’t let them get to you, kid,” he said. “People can be so mean.”

She thanked him and went about her work. 

That same evening, the young woman went home to her apartment. She was married. Her husband was a guy in the Air Corps. He looked good in his uniform, and she thought he had a cute chin. She had gotten pregnant six minutes and four seconds after her wedding vows

They had a good life. They lived in a little garage apartment on a shaded street. She had a maple tree. A tomato garden.  

At sundown, there was a knock at her door. It was the same navy man. Same service whites. Same sailor’s cap.  

He had a cardboard box under his arm, all done up in brown paper and string.  

“They told me you lived here,” he said. 

He gave the box to her. Inside was a pair of new, red shoes. Ballet flats. Patent leather. Shined to a mirror gloss. There were four more boxes just like it. All shoes. Stacked like cinder blocks on the porch. 

“What’re these for?” the young woman asked. 

“To make up for that penny,” he said.  

Fifty years later, I would hear this story along with my cousins, who all sat cross-legged on the carpet of an old mobile home. We listened to an old storyteller at work. Then, one of us interrupted and said, “Did that story really happen, Granny!?” 

Katherine Hepburn just smiled and tapped the ash on her Winston. “The Navy is a marvelous organization,” said the woman in the red shoes. 

Happy 247th anniversary to the United States Navy.

It sure is.  Thanks again dear Stephanie.

After ordering a sandwich to go, the guy asked me if I wanted some “walking bacon.”  This was three strips of bacon separate from the sandwich, for me to eat while I walked away with the wrapped sandwich in my other hand.  This Is Genius!  All stores need walking bacon.

I can’t pick up my dogs prescription because I can’t remember her date of birth.  They won’t tell me it because patient privacy.  She’s a dog.  She won’t tell me it either.

And that’s it for today.  Love and happiness to you all.

Happy Monday Morning.  It’s been a nice, relaxing weekend…at least I’m predicting it will be since I’m writing this on Saturday morning.  I’ve been to Men’s Breakfast at the church and home again.  I’ve created the above header picture, which I always enjoy doing.  I’ve made a new set of fonts for this issue that I’ve called Hippy Chick after the name of the font from the website that I use to do that, so yeah … so far, a nice, relaxing weekend.  

But now, Izzy Dragon has gotten up and the news is on the TV and they are talking about the horrible earthquake in Turkey and the second “unidentified object” that was shot down over Alaska, so I can see my weekend rapidly going downhill fast.

Izzy Dragon is already asking me questions and making silly, left wing statements about what’s being said on FOX News.  And I’m getting a headache arguing with her about how silly her opinions are.  With everything else that’s going on, they just said that there is an 800% increase in Chinese illegals crossing the border at Mexico.  Why am I not surprised?  

War with China by 2025.

Our AMC General predicted it in a memo you may have read or heard about on the news, that he is afraid we will be at war with China by 2025, due to us having our 2024 elections and Taiwan having their elections in 2024.  It would be the perfect time for China.  Are these Chinese illegal border crossings an attempt to put spies in our country ahead of time?  You know they already have them here.  Is that what the spy balloon was all about?  You know it flew over just about every military installation in our country and that it sent back all the information it had BEFORE we shot it down.

So, I’m not so relaxed anymore.

Let’s move on to a great comment that I got from Dave…  Remember when I was talking about my “Days of Captivity” the other day?  He had this comment to make: 

Amen brother.  Me too.  And I’m 8 years younger.

And I just now got this one from Stephanie:

I searched all over and finally had to ask her what she was talking about and she showed me this meme and then I realized she was talking about the words behind the words, which, by the way, say: “I used to be snow white, but I drifted.”  Boy, do I feel dumb.  

So, before we go even further into ruining Impish’s nice relaxing weekend, let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we?

I always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.

So last week, when the Mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbour, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and whom, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of brownies and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy’s day.

When I rang the doorbell this “old guy” came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

“I’m sorry I can’t invite you in,” he said when I introduced myself, “but I’m due at the Racquet Club at two. I’m playing in the semifinals today.”

“Oh that’s all right,” I said. “I baked you some brownies . . . “

“Great!” he interrupted, snatching the box. “Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!”

I continued, ” . . . and just thought we’d visit a while. But that’s okay! I’ll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady.”

“Don’t bother,” he said. “Gran’s not home — I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?!) that she had an appointment for a Tint job.”

So I went home and called my Mother’s cousin (age 83). She was in the hospital …… working in the gift shop.

I called my aunt (age 74). She was on vacation in China.

I called my husband’s uncle (age 79). I forgot, he was on his honeymoon.

I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don’t think I’m up to it!!!

I’m 64, so I guess I’ve got a ways to go before I have to be that busy.

And I’ve got an OOPS!  I should have put this in the last episode.  Do you remember this?

Joe from NJ got it right, when he said that it was a tool used to thread a needle.  Did you know that?  Yup, that’s what it’s for.  Very old school…and it works!

All that and it’s made in China.  We can’t even make our own sarcastic cardboard boxes!

I agree.  What the heck, people?

Okay, and another forgotten question…remember THIS one?

(I really need to find a way to keep better track of questions I ask or something) Anyway, got a couple of responses to this one.  Joe in NJ says:

Could it be a 

‘Handleabra’?

(Candleabra) sp?

And Aussie Pete says: 

There was a very funny British TV comedy sketch where a customer walked into a mixed goods shop and asked for ‘four candles’.   The shopkeeper goes out the back and brings back  four candles.  

The customer says  ”  No,  I want ‘fork handles ! “.   Get it….  four candles ?  fork handles .    (  This loses something when it is written down, you actually have to see it performed )    So, some person designed the four candles/fork handles in the picture attached.   QED

Okay, I think I’m caught up.

LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES

AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70’s hair styles (or the Jackson Five).

DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will.

OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

NEW OFFICE SLANG

World Wide Wait – The real meaning of www.

404 – Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Chips and Salsa – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

Cobweb – A WWW site that never changes.

Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.

Egosurfing – Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Keyboard Plaque – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato – The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Oh-no-second – That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.

Plug-and-Play – A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps on everything and then leaves.

Stress Puppy – A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Under Mouse Arrest – Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Xerox Subsidy – Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace

Really bad placement…if you’re Italian.

Tis True.

And some of our guardians are just mean and ugly!

I don’t see the appeal myself…

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew.  As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.

During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he still didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious, huh?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.”

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.”

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith….

That’s a GREAT question.  Why DON’T you hire veterans?

In 1923:

Who was the:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful persons of their day.

Now, 82 years later, history asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, also bragged of having sex with over 1200 women and winning the US Open. That was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw, Eat, Relax and Play golf.

“Hello Boys.  Game over.”
She is one of our best guards ever.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (Mark Twain) (1835 – 1910)

The more things change, the more things stay the same ~ Impish Dragon

Q: Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery?

A: Her husband cut up her credit cards.

Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner.

Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing. “Susan,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place…”

“I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!!”

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clocktrain comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and ….well… it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up….”

There was this fellow who got tired of living in the city and decided that he wanted to live in Alaska as an Eskimo, so he ventured out into the great unknown.

After a week he found a tribe and approached the chief proclaiming that he wanted to be an Eskimo.

The chief thinking that the guy had lost all sense of reality, told the man, “Okay – first you must drink 10 gallons of homemade rot gut whiskey all at a time with no food or breaks. Then you must go out barehanded and kill a polar bear. Completing that, you must return here, and find the oldest, ugliest, dirtiest female in the tribe and make passionate love to her all night long.”

The man agreed and drank all the whiskey, then set off into the frozen wasteland. The chief figures he’s gone for good.

Two days later the man returns. He’s a disfigured mess with his clothes practically gone, and great, gaping wounds. There is not a spot on his body that is not mauled nearly to the bone.

He staggers to the chief and says, “Now where’s that woman you wanted me to kill?”

NBA superstar Stephen Curry, who publicly endorsed Joe Biden for president in 2020, is opposing a “low-income” housing development near his $30 million mansion, according to a local news report. 

“We hesitate to add to the ‘not in our backyard’ (literally) rhetoric, but we wanted to send a note before today’s meeting. Safety and privacy for us and our kids continues to be our top priority and one of the biggest reasons we chose Atherton as home,” Steph and his wife, Ayesha Curry, wrote in a letter to officials in Atherton. 

It was an attempt by Steph Curry, who was the fifth highest-paid athlete in the world last year, according to Forbes, to prevent undesirables from crowding the area around his home in Atherton, California. 

Atherton is one of the most exclusive communities in the U.S., with Forbes ranking it as the “most expensive” zip code in the country this year.  

Innocent until proven … never mind.

You know it’s coming.  It’s already started.  Facebook and Twitter anyone?

And now, for the next bit, a bunch of balloon memes…

I did my nurse’s training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, “Would you eat this up, love?”

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb.

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, “Is me ‘usband’s pie ‘ot yet, dearie?”

When our dryer broke, I set to work. I found the problem quickly and, since I needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, I said I needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire I found inside the dryer. I don’t know where it belongs, but I confidently assured the clerk that I could figure it out once I got into the job.“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

I could do that job!  Heck, most of us on this campground could do this job!  Okay, everyone who reads this who feels like they could do this job, between now and Wednesday noon, eastern time either send me a comment or write me an email at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and all you have to say is “I could do that job” and to make it more interesting, give me your home town, state and country if you are out of the United States.  So, too bloody easy.  For me it would be: 
IMPISH DRAGON, I COULD DO THAT JOB, PERU, INDIANA, USA. 
Less than a minute.

And for the rest of you, if you want to play too, but don’t feel like you qualify, you can do the same thing, write in and say something like:
MILO MYTHICAL CREATURE, I’M TOO YOUNG TO BE AN OLD COOT, BUT I COULD STILL PROBABLY DO THE JOB, TRIER, GERMANY
Still less than a minute and that way we’d still know where you are from and that you are not an old coot. 

Or maybe even: 
JENNIFER JUMPJET, I’M TOO CUTE TO BE A COOT, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO THAT JOB, LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, USA
Maybe a minute and a half, tops. 
You get the idea.

Remember, the comment section or an email to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com.  

And that’s it for this weekend my dear friends.  It was fun and relaxing.  Love and happiness to you one and all.