I’m feeling especially lonely and depressed lately. Mother’s Day, as you can imagine, is not one of my favorite days of the year here lately. But, I think it’s more than that and I’m not sure why it’s bothering me now more than it has in a while. As much as God has told me to just carry on and do His will, it’s still very hard … because … well … because I’m really lonely.
I shouldn’t be. I have friends at church, friends at work, dart friends, and of course, all of you campers
Stephen B. sends us this one…and it is way cool: He says it’s his latest carving.
This is a gnome door. My wife claimed it even before I painted it. It is about 7″ tall and 6″ wide.
That is way, way cool my friend..
No one will give a pauper bread (or alms to the poor), but everybody will give him advice.
This one REALLY cracked me up! I’m not sure why. It’s funny and all, but not for the overwhelming laughter this one got out of me.
Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly! Turns out they were Wright…
Sometimes the dragon in the kitchen really IS a dragon in the kitchen…but in THIS instance, I’m going with drugs…and good ones, too.
I have GOT to get me one of these!!!!
I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon!
It’s a great tree that protects our northern most village. Dragon Laffs is far reaching.
Brazil is known for many things…soccer, Carnival, Rio De Janiero, Amazon Rain Forest, to name a few. Here’s something new to be added to the list… green peas is one of the more popular pizza toppings.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis.”
I replied, “That’s 15 love.”
I agree, I think this is probably the coolest cat picture of all time.
My wife left me today, she says I put sports ahead of our relationship. We were together 6 seasons.
7.5 billion people on earth and somehow I’m the best driver.
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy. “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”
“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.
Why do black lives only seem to matter when a white man takes it? Sadly, thousands of black lives are lost to black on black crime every year in America and nobody seems to do much to try and stop it and nobody riots to bring change. Just this dragon and others asking a question that’s worth pondering.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young” they are talking your knees and hips not your kids.
I asked an EOD guy once about the stress of bomb defusing. He shrugged and said, “It’s not. I’m either right, or suddenly it’s not my problem any more.”
I try to stick to that perspective.
Again, I have to ask, why is it that we have to have this sign?
Now THIS sign I can completely understand.
Probably another necessary sign.
I had to quit my job as a professional body builder.
I just gave my too weak notice.
I’m seeing grown men in Miami for Spring Break. Nathanial, you are 43. You are not on Spring Break! You are on Sick Leave!
You have got to be flippin’ kidding me!!!!
I just got this email from Stephen B.
I agree with you completely on the Vets being displaced for illegals and yes, I am from NY. Now the rile you up a little more…..There are PUBLIC SCHOOLS in Brooklyn, NY that are opening their gyms to illegals to live in, WHILE OUR CHILDREN ARE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL THERE! WTF IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?????? I am so glad I am old and probably won’t see the climatic end to this way of thinking. But I feel sorry for my grandkids. What will happen to them? Will another Civil War happen? Anyhoo, here is a link to one of the articles, should you care to look at it.
I repeat my earlier statement! You have got to be flippin’ kidding me! It’s not bad enough that they are displacing veterans out of their shelters, now they are putting invaders, criminals, strangers, illegals, possibly sick or diseased in with our children in the gymnasium in their school. In the GRAMMAR SCHOOL! That’s 6th grade and under! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!!! This is unconscionable!!!! And they did it without the permission of the school, the parents or anybody! WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!!!
If this is not proof that Biden and the current administration is NOT FIT FOR OFFICE and doesn’t have a clue what SERVING THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA MEANS than I don’t know what does. What in the world do we have to do, catch him accepting bribes? Oh, yeah! WE’VE DONE THAT AND IT DOESN’T SEEM TO MATTER AT ALL!!!!
Okay, let’s get right to it! I have GOT to get this off my chest or it’s going to tear me in up inside and I’m going to end up razing a poor underserving village somewhere.
I’m not sure where it is other than that it is in New York somewhere, but they had been putting some Veterans up in hotels so they wouldn’t be homeless, which is a wonderful thing and fitting. These are men and women who have, after all, offered to give up their lives for us, the least we can do is give them a place to live. We owe them so much more than that, but like I said, the LEAST we can do. But NOW, they’ve been asked to move out to make room for the illegals.
Did you hear what I said?
Our proud heroes are being asked to move out to become homeless so that people who are here illegally, who have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR OUR COUNTRY OTHER THAN TAKE can have their homes!
And ultimately do you want to know why? Because illegal aliens are much more likely to vote democrat and veterans are much more likely to vote republican.
What is wrong with this country that they have no loyalty to the men and women who have served them? That they will not honor they promises they made to them? In the military WE will not leave a fellow member behind. We will risk the lives of several to rescue the one. These people refuse to recognize that they even owe us a debt of gratitude! The pay is crap, the hours are long and hard and the retirement plan stinks. On the other side they vote themselves golden pay, retirement and work twelve hours a month and have the nerve to complain about us.
I am so incensed I could cry. How could this country treat its own so terribly? This is an invasion! We are at war, and our government is throwing open the gates and letting the bad guys walk right in. It is SO WRONG. WHY ARE WE LETTING THEM GET AWAY WITH IT?
Okay…
I’m done.
For now.
Someone called the Kentucky Derby “Amish Nascar” and my day hasn’t been the same.
On the one hand…
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Good Advice: When buying an old second-hand car, always insist on getting one with a heated rear window.
That way, in winter you can warm your hands while you’re pushing it.
Oh, that’ll teach her!
Why am I not surprised!
My hips and knees ache just looking at this picture.
Still ticked off!
I’m listening to Ron DeSantis give a speech in Iowa and he sounds really good.
Strong people always have their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “I am okay,” with a smile.
A little boy asks his mother: Why do you cry?
Because I am a woman, she answers.
I don’t understand, he says.
His mother hugs him and says: and you never will.
Rock on to Electric Avenue!
A guy just tried to MANSPLAIN to me what a sawhorse is, but I SHUT HIM DOWN because I am WELL AWARE that it’s the past tense of seahorse, THANKS!
Blonde?
“What in the world are we going to do to calm Impish Dragon down?”
BURN THEM ALL TO THE GROUND!!!!
Me: [hands daughter an apple]
Daughter: Dad, I wanted a pear.
Me: [hands daughter another apple]
Bloke tried to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St. Patrick. When I looked underneath it said, “Made in China.” So, obviously a sham rock…
Just in case you missed it at the King’s Coronation…
Yes, that is “Death” walking past the opening.
Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. The kitchen has BACON!
I asked a bald friend of mine why he had hundreds of tiny rabbits tattooed on his head. He said, “Because from a distance, they look like hares.”
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my missus, mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician!”
They’re all the same size…get a ruler, I’ll wait.
Awww, she’s smiling in her sleep. I wonder how she killed me this time…
According to the democratic party, the black lives matter people, and all the other racists, that is the problem.
Yeah, and now you snowflakes want to throw them out so you can put illegal aliens in! Who’s going to protect you when you’ve annoyed us to the point that we stop protecting you? You don’t have anyone brave enough to even pick UP a gun, much less fire one!
It’s going to take a while. There’s a lot of idiots.
“Your trauma made you stronger.”
It absolutely did not. It made me funnier though.
Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupidity.
That is a very strange Venn diagram
Being grown up is stupid.
Let’s build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.
And for that matter, why are there ducks and bowling pins?
It’s better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder.
I got a job sketching suspects at the police station…I’m a con artist!
Still have your ruler?
Again, the same size…
If a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
Well, to be Frank … I’d have to change my name.
Be the fun in dysfunctional.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I decided to take up fencing, but my neighbor made me put it back.
And then get charged for manslaughter!!!
And at that point, we’re going to say the end for today. Thanks for sticking with for the day my friends. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we play again.
Well…it’s Saturday, again. It has been a week! I’m writing this on Thursday, the week isn’t even over yet, and I’m already worn out. I’ve got an oil change this afternoon and my Anger Management class this evening. I’ve had something every night this week. I need a break. But, it’s coming I guess. Right now, let’s get to the fun stuff!
This one is from our buddy Joe in NJ and it’s called Reflections:
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant.
A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation
“Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people.
The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
Aliens probably fly by Earth,
go home, and lock their doors.
You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me,
because you saw that sign 2 miles back, just like I did.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute.
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 80s when bread was still good for you,
and no one knew what kale was.
I want to be 15 again and ruin my life differently.
I have lots of new ideas.
As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of:
it will be mis-spelled and have no punctuation.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you.
I took her to Subway.
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night.
OK, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.
Michael the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.
Unfortunately he’d lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.
She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.
Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Michael began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Michael, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist my charms.”
“Don’t worry about me, love,” answered Mabel, “I’m just trying on the sneakers.”
Mrs. Pauley tried her hand at baking cinnamon rolls for the first time.
She put them on the breakfast table, Mr Pauley picked one up and took a bite.
Mrs. Pauley waited for several minutes for the compliment that never came.
Finally, she asked: “How much do you think I get if I sold those cinnamon rolls commercially?”
“No more than 10 years,” Mr.Pauley replied, never putting down the morning paper.
H O L Y C O W !!!
Another relative on a very strange branch of my family tree. (Get it?) (LOL!)
Passing an office building late one night, Lynn, a Blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
“Well,” he snarled at Lynn, “what do you want?”
Lynn replied, “The sign said, Press Bell FOR Night Watchman.
I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it yourself.”
Marg: I’ll tell you one thing! I’m never going out with my friend Stephanie again!
Gail: Why on earth not? You two are best friends!
Marg: Yeah, well, last night a good-looking man walked up to our table at the bar, said hello, and told us his name.
I told him that my name is Marg, and introduced my friend Stephanie.
He said, “Wow! On a one to ten scale, you two ladies make a twenty!”
I said, “Really?”
He said, “Yeah! Your friend Stephanie here is definitely a 15!”
There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught fire, And burned her entire Front page, sports section, and all
We can smoke it, we can play it, it’s multipurpose.
An Irishman arrived at Heathrow Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
Vicky, grew increasingly displeased as her teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening.
Finally losing patience shortly after ten o’clock, Vicky knocked sharply on the girl’s door.
Her daughter’s boyfriend, a bit disheveld and with some lipstick visable on his cheek, immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
“I have to ask you to move your car,” Vickie told him.
“Oh, sure, yes ma’m. Is it in someone’s way?”
“No,” Vickie replied, “it’s at the wrong address.”
If garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker disposed of his refuse for several days when sanitation workers were on strike.
Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper. Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car, he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always been collected.
RemasterDirector_18da6b0cf
Which is why I use stevia … but there’s probably something wrong with that, too.
So very, very true. So many people really need to keep that in mind.
That is exactly what I have always taught my kids when they were growing up. You NEVER start it, but you ALWAYS finish it with EVERYTHING you have. Never ever allow someone to lay their hands on you for free. They always pay for it. Even the girls got that lesson. And to the best of my ability they got the skills taught to them to go along with the lesson.
You do not know the look of scorn until you stare into the eyes of your future wife after explaining to her that the car that “cut her off” in fact, did have the right of way.
Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.
~ Neil Gaiman, Sandman: A Game of You
Yeah, they’ll get the bullets first and second and third
Oh and I bet the Irish just LOVED that!
You know folks, I never cared that you were gay, until you started shoving it down my throat, and I never cared what color you were, till you started blaming me for your problems, and I never cared about your political affiliation, until you started condemning me for mine. I really never even cared where you were born, until you wanted to erase my history, and blame my ancestors for your problems. You know I never even cared if your beliefs were different than mine, until you said my beliefs were wrong, but now I care. My patience and tolerance are gone, and I am not alone in feeling like this. There are millions of us who feel this way and there are a lot more of us than there are of you. You may be louder and ruder than we are, but in the long run, we are right and we are the majority. We tried being polite and letting you have your opinion and your own little part, but you weren’t happy with that. You want everyone to see it your way and to bow down to you. You can’t be happy with your piece, you want it all! Well, soon you may not have any of it because of your greed and stupidity.
Strong people always have their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “I am okay,” with a smile.
What’s the difference between a Woman’s Zipper and a Man’s Zipper?
When a woman unzips her pants, her brain doesn’t fall out.
And here we have a very special message from Nurse Marsha to Joe in NJ.
Marsha M
a day ago
Dragon Laffs #2173
This is for Jersey Joe….close your eyes and picture the most beautiful women you have ever seen…dressed as a nurse…in her hands is a large stick, that’s with a S and a T..on top of the stick is a white flag of surrender. I surrender! The surrender part of your imagination there is true and maybe the uniform…as is the woman part…just old now, did graduate nursing school in Salem County NJ 1984.
And like I told Marsha in my reply, that I would pass it on to Joe and I gave her a big Dragon Hug at the same time. Quite rare those dragon hugs are and very valuable…laced with gold. My dear friend Marsha, you go back to saving lives.
During a field exercise my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush.
Halfway through, we realized we’d lost our map.
The patrol navigator informed us, “Our odds are 1 in 360 that we’ll get out of here.”
“How did you come up with that?” someone asked.
“Well,” he replied, “one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.”
MILITARY WISDOM
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“Aim towards the Enemy.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” -U.S. Air Force Manual
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” -Gen. Mac Arthur
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal
“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” -U. S Navy Swabbie
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” -David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” -Infantry Journal
“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.” -Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” -Anon
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” -Your Buddies
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
A well off young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away.
Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather’s clock which he prized highly.
Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house.
But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again.
After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.
“Mister,” he said thickly, “could I ash you a quest’n?”
“What is it?” demanded the exhausted young man.
“Why on earth don’t you carry a watch?”
And that my dear campers, is that. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
It’s Thursday. Thanks to EVERYONE who pointed out to me that the guy on the motorcycle had the tow strap around his chest! I honestly didn’t notice that. I just thought that it was a really crappy t-shirt design.
It’s been a tough week for me. Every single day this week has been busy. Which means I’ve built this issue in between doing a bunch of other things, so I’m not really sure whether I’m coming or going. So, not sure if I covered everything this episode or not.
But, one thing I am REALLY sure of, there is plenty of stuff for you guys to laugh at and forget about the world’s BS for a little while.
The Biden Family was found to have accepted bribes from China for years! Big surprise there! I’m gonna go WAY out on a limb here and say NOT A DAMN THING IS GOING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT!! NOTHING!! ZILCH!!! It’s all fixed and rigged and it doesn’t matter. The only reason that anything might be done about it is if the shadow government powers-that-be are done with him and don’t want him to run again, they will use this as an excuse to get rid of him. Okay, so that sounds like I’m covering both sides of that bet, so …
I had to get to this one right away! This video…well, not THIS video, but the original video of the Cat Lady giving her whole speech, was sent to me by our good buddy Sasquatch. But, he sent it to me as an MP4, which I like cause I can watch it really easily, but I dislike cause I can’t load it into the ezine. So, I have to go and search the internet for a copy that I CAN put into the ezine and the only one I could find was a talk show where THEY were talking about it. But you will get the general idea.
And it was amazing how many talk shows that I found talking about it where they were calling her a hater and a racist because she called out the craziness of it! All I can say to them is…seek help!
What do you get if you spell Evian (Water) backwards?
Hmmm…
This quick little report if from Lynn…
Breitbart reports that Fox News is refusing to let Tucker out of his contract before it expires in 2024. In other words, they want to to keep him on the sidelines until after the 2024 election. In other words, Fox News wants another 4 years of Joe Biden
Tucker is just the latest example of the establishment removing prominent thought leaders/important personalities on the right before the next election. They removed James O’Keefe from Project Veritas, Dan Bongino, and they removed Trump from everything in a coordinated effort back in 2020.
All this makes Elon buying Twitter that much more important.
She makes a pretty good point.
Why’s it always, ALWAYS have to be Bob?
Dang dude! Stop giving away all my secrets!!!
Even statues of me start appearing in places.
I have no idea…maybe the wind tore it off the side of a building???
I was eating my Chinese dinner last night and it made me think!
There are thousands of Chinese restaurants and take-outs all over this country which means there are loads of Chinese people!
But how many Chinese funerals have you seen? I’ve never seen one!
So what are they doing with them?
Then looking at my sweet and sour chicken balls, I’m thinking, chickens don’t have balls that big!
No thank you very much!!
Ed and Betty met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Betty to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Betty was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Betty to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Betty took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day. Ruin it yourself.
Not diggin’ the mustache, dude.
Why is it OK to say when I look in your face?
Time stands still, but it’s not OK to say you have a face that would stop the clock.
The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.
He said in a squeaky annoying voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Ok,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Yes, I CAN be a real jerk….
I went to the store today for a loaf a bread, as I headed for the check-out, I saw some young girl with that “I’m a stuck-up little bitch” look on her face. She didn’t say a word to me as she rang up my bread then said “that’s $2.05”.
I gave her a 20 and she just stood there looking at me and goes in a pissy voice “that all you got, you’re going to run me out of change”?
I said “”yes, sorry but I can pay on card if that helps.
Still in a pissy, sarcastic voice she says ” of course it’d help”
So I gave her my card and she says “Cash back?”
I said “Yes please!”
“How much?” She asked
I said “$17.95 please…..
Just looking at this picture would freak Izzy out and give her nightmares for weeks!!!
This is from Joe from NJ and he says, “What if we all did this?” and I think it’s a GREAT IDEA!!!
Dear WalMart & Target, HomeDepot and all other stores that have self checkout –
You are almost exclusively self-checkout now. The last time I was there, you had a lady stopping everyone at the exit, checking receipts. I didn’t choose to participate in that nonsense, so I just skipped the exit line and left. I heard her saying “Sir, Uh, Sir” as 1 kept walking and raised the receipt above my head, leaving the store. You can either trust me to do self-checkout, or you can put your cashiers back in place like it used to be. I’m not interested in proving that I did your job for you. You want me to be a cashier with no training then that’s your problem not mine. Don’t Audit me for a position you refuse to employ any longer.
Signed, All of us
Absolutely marvelous! And what do they do if they check your receipt and find that you’ve made a mistake? Accuse you of stealing? No thank you very much.
Here’s another oldie but goodie…
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia.
“Aha!” mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. “Aha!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc’s office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it… What did you do?”
The Doctor replied, ” I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots”
And only two sexes. How about that?
A motorcycle officer stops a vehicle that has ran a red light.
The driver is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer and asks why he is being harassed by the Gestapo and the officer calmly tells the driver of the red light violation.
The driver goes into a tirade, and questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation etc.
The officer takes it all in professional stride and writes the ticket and places an “AH” in the bottom right hand corner – Narration”
The officer hands the driver the ticket and requests a signature.
The driver angrily signs the ticket and notices the “AH” and demands to know what that is for.
The officer removes his mirror like sunglasses and gets in the drivers face and in a low voice says “So that when we get in court in three months time, I can remember that you are an ass hole!”
Three months later, in court, the driver has hired a lawyer, as his driving record is not what you would call perfect, and he expects to lose his licence.
The officer gives his evidence on the driver running a red light.
Then under cross examination, the driver’s lawyer asks if this is the ticket the officer had issued.
“Yes, this is the defendant’s copy of the ticket I issued” states the officer.
Lawyer then asks ” Is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket that you don’t normally make?”
The officer says “Yes in the bottom right hand corner, in the Narrative box, is the AH underlined”
Lawyer “What does the AH stand for, officer?”
Officer ” Aggressive and Hostile”
Lawyer ” Are you sure?”
Officer ” Yes sir.”
Lawyer ” Are you sure that it doesn’t stand for ass hole?”
Officer ” Well sir, I am sure you know your client better than I do”
Pretty darn effective ones, too!
Boy, ain’t that the truth!
Now there’s a conversation we could have…I’ve never heard that one before!
The headwaiter of the five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard with flecks of long ago food marched right towards him.
The man said, “Yo, bucko, where’s your shitter?”
The headwaiter calmly replied, “Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked ‘Gentlemen’, pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside.”
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
That’s gotta come in handy, right?
Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”
Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
Midlife is when your 1970’s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.
Prepare yourself…a lot of wisdom coming your way!
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package.
What food might it contain?
He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap.
Retreating to the farmyard the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mouse trap in the house, a mouse trap in the house! ”
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Excuse me,
Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mouse trap in the house, a mouse trap in the house!”
I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers.”
The mouse turned to the cow. She said, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse. A mouse trap. Like I am in grave danger. Duh…NOT!”
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mouse trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey.
The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer’s wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
She returned home with a fever.
Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.
His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer’s wife did not get well and a few days later she passed away.
So many people came for her funeral, that the farmer had the cow slaughtered, to provide meat for all of them to eat.
So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when there is a mouse trap in the house, the whole farmyard is at risk.
On Mother’s Day, my seven-year-old son couldn’t wait to present me with a book of poetry he had written about me.
Part of it was an acrostic of my name, Victoria, with an adjective describing me next to each letter.
Beside “I” he had written “Intelligent,” next to the “C,” “Caring,” and for the “O,” “Outstanding.”
I was swelling with pride until I came to the final “A.”
Next to it my son had written “Able to scream.”
You know I can’t possibly say anything here.
And that dear campers, brings us to the end of another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs! Until we meet again, may our Dear Lord bless you with Love and Happiness.
Just closed out the last episode and have jumped right into this one so that maybe I can get one done in time for Monday. It’s going to be a long hard weekend, but I’m still going to try to get one done for you guys. That is my goal. So, I know the best part of this is the fun stuff for you guys, so what do you say we jump right into that and if I can think of anything to add to it, I will…
I got sent a big bunch of these by Stephanie (I think?) so let’s run them down cause these guys at Liberty Arms are really funny! And Patriotic…and timely…and…well, you’ll see!
Stewardess: [on loud speaker] Please let the staff know if any passengers are disturbing you or behaving inappropriately.
Me: Hi, yes. The woman at the window seat, keeps being incredibly rude, and yelling at me.
Stewardess: Ma’am, that’s your toddler.
2023 School will be closed due to high winds. 1983 Tornado Happening. Go in the hall and put a book on your head. Also, we are having pizza for lunch.
This one is a true classic that I heard many years ago. It is so worth running again. Thanks to Joe from NJ for bringing it back around.
Long but worth reading.
Please read the entire letter and not skip to the end.
_______________
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michiganm Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.
20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of nature’s building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is… aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter… they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
My question is…what’s Planet Nine?
Just call it a cool picture.
Joe Biden’s note card doesn’t just tell him which reporters to call on, it includes what order to call on them in and what PRE-SUBMITTED questions they’re going to ask.
Embarrassing.
Embarrassing, but not surprising!
My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!” I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.” “That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”
Here’s another oldie from Joe from NJ. This one is special though. Here’s how he describes it. Oldie but goodie. Impish I mean REALLY old. This was my mother’s favorite story. She was born in 1918! And here you go…
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
Well, that’s one explanation. Joe’s mom’s anyway. Thanks Joe, for sharing your mom’s favorite story.
Absolutely hilarious!
These little voodoo dolls are such a pain in the … well … everywhere!
Next up…a bunch of trucker memes and cartoons, in honor of the Whelpling! My favorite trucker.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other little love notes like:
“I considered smothering you with a pillow last night…but I didn’t.”
Most Of Us Expect Far Too Much From Ourselves and never give ourselves credit for all the things we’re doing right. You’re trying your best, facing challenges that would likely overwhelm anyone, and learning and growing every day. And you’re doing it while feeling a range of messy, confusing emotions and healing from pains large and small from the past. Stop and give yourself a little credit. You’re stronger than you know, and you’re doing better than you think.
~ Lori Deschene
When you’re told that mining coal is bad, but mining copper, lithium, cobalt, nickel is good, you know you’ve been DECEIVED.
Okay, I’ll be sure not to … ah … whatever it is that … um … I’m either supposed to or not supposed to do or not do or … I have no idea.
April 1st is named FOOL’S DAY, after Steve April. He was born on 01 April 1579. He did 105 businesses in his lifetime. He lost all his father’s assets, and so everyone started calling him father of the fools.
At 19, he married a 61-year-old woman who divorced him after a year because of his foolishness. He used to read all kinds of fake stories like you are doing now.
This would have been a much better story closer to the first of April.
I have worked on some pretty old aircraft, which had some pretty old fasteners, which is to say that I’ve seen an awful lot of these screw heads … but there are a bunch of these that even I’ve never seen!!
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…
according to Facebook fact-checkers, it is, in fact, a squirrel.
Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.” And suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads…
Okay, so someone tell me, cause I DON’T SEE IT!!
Do you hear banjos? I hear banjos.
You gotta admit, she’s good. Never breaks character, plays the stupid moron quite well. We all know she can’t POSSIBLY be as stupid as she pretends to be, but she goes up on stage, all the time and refuses to give in. That’s dedication to a craft, I gotta tell ya, I admire her.
DO YOU GET IT?!?! It’s an analogy!!!! A story that is extra to make a point!!! So I’ll ask again…you, democrats…DO YOU GET IT!? Sigh. I didn’t think so.
They’re not taking away my guns. EVER.
This was sent in by Friggin’ Pete way back towards the beginning of November of last year. I told you I was behind in some of my emails. This is his little essay, but I will say that I agree 100%!!! This is another of those instances where I can honestly say, “Darn! I wish I had said that!”
Just my thoughts.
You can argue whether or not Margaret Sanger started Planned Parenthood as a means to keep the Black population under control through abortion. You can argue whether or not Planned Parenthood was a scheme born of a racist Democrat Party to help limit the birth of Black babies. You can argue whether Planned Parenthood has been used as a tool to keep Black People poor and dependent on a racist Democrat Party. You can argue whether or not abortion is morally acceptable, whether it is a sin, whether it is murder. You can make all the arguments you want on Planned Parenthood and on abortion and on who, how, whats, whys, and the moralities of it all but….you can not argue the fact that the Black population of this country would be double what it is if not for Margaret Sanger, Planned Parenthood, abortion and the racist Democrat Party that fought for and backed it all…..
Pete
Very nicely said, brother. Very nicely said.
Right now about half the country has a conspiracy theorist friend who looks a lot less crazy than they did six months ago…
I have several of them, as a matter of fact.
I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.
And yeah, I wrote that in blue, because I sure as heck could of said it myself.
Me In Heaven
God: You’re about to get your wings.
Me: Garlic parmesan or honey bbq?
God: Get out.
Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox with four cubs.”
“That’s terrible,” the RSPCA Officer responded. “Are they moving?”
“I’m not sure,” Paddy says, “but that would explain the suitcase.”
Wife said, “Our new neighbors are so in love. He kisses her, strokes her hair and hugs her. Why don’t you do that?”
I said, “Because I don’t know her that well yet.”
That one is from Izzy Dragon. She texted it to me and I just had to share it with you guys.
Don’t hate someone for what they look like on the outside. Hate them for the piece of garbage they are on the inside.
He’s gonna need a bigger gun.
Yup, we’re still doing this. And Joe goes back to an old standby for his response. Here’s Marsha’s contributions so we all remember…
No Joe….but I am thinking about that as my retirement plan. Rob bank, spend week spending money so I know what it was like to have money….then when caught identify as gay male…get sent to male prison, no work, great healthcare, can still wear women’s clothes and sex with men….
And now Joe…
Men are just happier people!
Why, you ask?
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-Shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
There you go Marsha… you’re up!!
We are so misunderstood. Always have been, always will be.
Fellas, if a chick orders lobster tail on the first date would you be bothered?
Chad Johnson: They don’t sell lobster tail at McDonald’s
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.
And with that, we’re going to call it a night…a day…an issue…episode…whatever. I hope you guys had as much fun reading this one on a Monday morning as I did putting it together on a working weekend. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.
Dragon Laffs 
Marsha M
a day ago