Well, this is going to be another Thursday.  I even have…had? Wednesday off work because of the silly Juneteenth holiday and it’s STILL going to be another Thursday issue.  I got up early because a buddy of mine was supposed to meet me at my house to help me get the Ivy down from the top of my chimney.  I think I told you the other day that my insurance agent strongly suggested that I do a few things around the outside of my house in order to stay in good standing with the very good insurance company that I have.  One of those things was to get the ivy off the top of the chimney.  I had already gotten it off the side of the house where it had taken over.  

It’s not really ivy, Izzy Dragon says that it’s Virginia Creeper.  Now, after looking it up on line:

I’d say, Yup, that’s exactly what it was.  As you can see on the picture on the left, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this insidious beast, it grows crazy fast and gets EVERYWHERE and from the picture on the right, the little tendrils that come off the stems and runners work their way into the cracks in the siding and the bricks and, well, let’s just say that it is harder than the mortar holding the bricks together and I’m glad I have access to some chemicals that aren’t available on the open market.  It’s nice being a CBRN survival specialist.  Some of those wartime chemical weapons work out quite well as pesticides and weed killers.

(And for you alphabet agencies that are out there monitoring every word that comes out of my mouth lately, IT’S A BLOODY JOKE!!!!  I figured I’d point that out to you since you’ve proven yourself too stupid to figure it out on your own)

Actually, 3 of the second generation warfare agents, developed by Nazi Germany before and during World War II started off as German Pesticides.  Tabun (GA), sarin (GB), soman (GD), and a sub group called cyclosarin (GF).  Known as the G-series of nerve agents, not as potent as the V-series.  And I should stop talking now, because this is NOT what you signed up for today and I have NO time left at all…which is what I was in the middle of explaining, but my mind is just not cooperating today.

Anyway, my buddy was supposed to come over and help me with the weeds on the chimney and I was going to scrub the moss off the siding…the green color that gets on a lot of people’s houses if you don’t take care of it.  Well, long story short, 5 guys (adults) and 1 teenager showed up with their power tools and what not and the bushes were trimmed or removed, the front was all taken care of completely!  They did SO much more than I expected.  Cut down one little tree that I thought I was going to have to handle on my own, plus two scraggly old bushes that I’ve been meaning to do something with and trimmed up the rest.

I, of course, showed my talents, while turning around to help, tripped over the damn garden hose and fell, AGAIN!  My balance is awful.  It’s a good thing that my bones are unbreakable and I say that in all seriousness.  I’m built like a tank structurally.  There just ain’t no meat left on this tank no more.  

Anyway, after they left, I had some special chemical spray that I sprayed on the side of the house to get rid of the stains and then rinsed back off.  It did a pretty good job, but I’m going to need to do it again, probably tomorrow or the next day.

Then I got assaulted with text messages from my group last night and my ministry partners asking for help and then Izzy wanted to clean out more boxes for Goodwill and some kids we’ve been made aware of that needed toys.  And that brings us up to know with me running out of time before I have to go to the jail tonight and there won’t be any time left to do a proper issue for tomorrow, Thursday… Another Thursday where things don’t work out.  

I’m gonna need to do something about Thursdays, but for now, let’s do this so I can at least get SOME funnies out before I have to go.

Yeah, I think we’ve used this one before, too.

This one comes to us from Joe from NJ…

We’re starting to see the AC cooler ads again. Shows a ‘cube’ shaped device that claims to cool any room in minutes. Average price is around $100. They are trying to pass it off as an air conditioner. IT’S NOT! No compressor or other components of a true air conditioner. Do your homework and save your $$$. As usual, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Okay, I’m going to tell you right now, this is such a fantastic video, you need to find a quiet spot you can watch this and really pay attention to it for the 18 minutes it takes for it to run.  Thanks to Leah for sending this to me.  It really meant a lot and helped me a lot.

Yup, I think we’ve seen that one before, too.

That one may be a bit subtle for some of you.

I’m in such a hurry, it was the next one in line.

This one is from Aussie Pete!  I will admit that I didn’t get it.

          MID-WEEK  MOVIE  TRIVIA

Two very different ROBERTS but they have a connection in two very different movies.

ROBERT MORSE starred in the movie ‘HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING’ and ROBERT DE NIRO starred in the movie  ‘TAXI DRIVER’

So, what is the connection between ROBERT MORSE singing the song  ‘I BELIEVE IN YOU !’  and ROBERT DE NIRO saying, ‘ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?’?

Scroll down for the answer.

 

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ANSWER …………

 

 

They were both talking/singing to themselves in a mirror.

Nice!

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.
 
So the father goes to his son’s room and says “Son do you rememberthat session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?”
 
“Oh yes papa, I remember very well” says the son.
 
“Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing”

And sadly, that’s all I have time for.  I apologize that’s all there is, but there is something.

Until next time my friends.

Wow…just spent the last couple of hours going through a bunch of pictures I created when I was a dispatcher for the State Police and when I was in Tech School for the job I have now.  I was trying to motivate people and make them laugh way back then.  State Police was 2004 to 2007 and Tech school was also in 2007.  Here’s just a couple of the pictures from the dispatcher days…

Did that one because the trooper was off duty and called in for stopping a drunk driver.  When he needed transport he made mention that he stopped the vehicle while out riding his bicycle.  We never did get an explanation from him as to how he accomplished that feat.

Three brand new troopers (at the time, heck, they may be thinking of retiring by now)

And three of our older troopers at the time.  I had to modify the top of the picture because it had their names on it.  LOL!  That’s all I need is to get sued.

I will say that the guys and ladies that I worked with during that time were some of the best and finest people I had ever worked with anywhere.  As proud as I am to be a veteran and to still work for the Air Force, I am just as proud of my time as a 911 dispatcher.  It was probably the most satisfying job I ever had.  Sadly, it was also probably the worst paying job I ever had.

I put the guys from Tech school in a LOT of weird places when they were dressed out in their MOPP gear.

The only other civilian in my class was a fireman from Cheyenne Mountain.  You know, the place where the Star Gate was supposed to have been hidden… so of course, this picture was a natural.

And one more of me…on a moon near Jupiter.  I’m the one on the left.

Now, enough of that, let’s get to the other stuff.  I’ve got some stuff that I want to rant about, but for right now, let’s get some laughing in.

Okay, this first one just astounded me.  I can’t believe that someone could possibly be THIS stupid.

It boggles the mind.

Simon Cowell was shocked to see Elvis Presley resurrected to perform on stage, But What Happened Next Was Even More Mind-Blowing  Simon even called this: “THE MOST INCREDIBLE ORIGINAL ACT EVER”  Thanks to Lynn for sending this one in.

Yeah, that’s what I always say.  I don’t run.  If I can’t drive for my life, than I’ll stand my ground until the last round is expended and then meet my Lord with bended knee.

There is the truth…right there.  Which is why I say, over and over, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIAN CHURCH.

If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following: 

A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.  Okay, so I’m OCD, it should be 1.6 kilometers

Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward. 

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child. 

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.06 kilometers.  Again, 1.6 … I’m sure it was just a typo

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. 

A very rich man died with no will.  The widow was talking with his lawyer.

“You were with him when he died?” asked the lawyer.

“Yes,” the widow replied.

“If I knew what his last words were, I could divide his possessions better among your children and yourself,” the lawyer told her.

“Very well,” said the widow, “If it will help, he said, `Don’t try to scare me, you couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'”

We have such a difficult time at things…

In our celebration of days the other day, we forgot about Flag Day.  That was on Friday the 15th.  

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. 

But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. 

Or maybe just polish it all the time.

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”

The Father thought for a moment. “Yes Son,” he replied, “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the- road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok… no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign… until he asked, “So… is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “no I’m delivering’ a bridge… here’s your sign.”

Why do I feel like that’s the 4th time I’ve run that last cartoon in the last couple of issues?

What?  That last meme?  Oh, it’s just wrong on SO many levels.

Why is it always the pretty girls who have the sharpest swords?

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

7. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”  AMEN!!

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

12. You should not confuse your career with your life.  True!  But sometimes very, very hard to do.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.  Very true.  Also analogous to the shopping cart theory.

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.  Way too true.  Sadly.

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

17. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

I’ve been asked to make this special announcement:  We don’t know who has been laying these devious traps, but we’ve lost 3 of our local deputies today alone.  The first one was funny, but it’s not funny anymore.  Please stop.  There will have to be mandatory overtime if it doesn’t end soon.

Documented proof that slaves built the pyramids and not aliens.

It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one. 

Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, “I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.” 

Confused by his buddy’s comment, Bill asked, “Oh? Why were you wondering about that?” 

Jim explained, “Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week.” 

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Bob was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Bob’s wages to pay for the repairs.

“How much will it cost?” asked my uncle.

“About $4,500,” said the owner.

“What a relief!” exclaimed Uncle Bob.  “I’ve finally got job security!”

Always!  It’s always Bob!

And I’m going to put this next one right in line where I found it and read it.  And I will tell you how true this thing is and how much it broke my heart while it was making me cry.  And I’m going to thank Joe from NJ from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with me and allowing me to share it with you.

Something different – an interesting poem . . .

Cranky Old Man Poem

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.  Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. 

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in magazines for Mental Health. 

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem. 

                              Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses?         – What do you see?
What are you thinking              – when you’re looking at me? 
A cranky old man,                    – not very wise, 
Uncertain of habit                     – with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food              – and makes no reply. 
When you say in a loud voice  – ‘I do wish you’d try!’ 
Who seems not to notice         – the things that you do. 
And forever is losing                – A sock or shoe? 

Who, resisting or not                – lets you do as you will, 
With bathing and feeding         – The long day to fill? 
Is that what you’re thinking?   – Is that what you see? 
Then open your eyes, nurse    – you’re not looking at me. 

I’ll tell you who I am                  – As I sit here so still, 
As I do at your bidding,            – as I eat at your will. 
I’m a small child of Ten            – with a father and mother, 
Brothers and sisters                 – who love one another 

A young boy of Sixteen             – with wings on his feet 
Dreaming that soon now          – a lover he’ll meet. 
A groom soon at Twenty          – my heart gives a leap. 
Remembering, the vows           – that I promised to keep. 

At Twenty-Five, now                 – I have young of my own. 
Who need me to guide             – And a secure happy home. 
A man of Thirty                         – My young now grown fast, 
Bound to each other                – With ties that should last. 

At Forty, my young sons          – have grown and are gone, 
But my woman is beside me    – to see I don’t mourn. 
At Fifty, once more,                  – Babies play ’round my knee, 
Again, we know children          – My loved one and me. 

Dark days are upon me            – My wife is now dead. 
I look at the future                    – I shudder with dread. 
For my young are all rearing    – young of their own. 
And I think of the years            – And the love that I’ve known. 

I’m now an old man                  – and nature is cruel. 
It’s jest to make old age           – look like a fool. 
The body, it crumbles               – grace and vigor, depart. 
There is now a stone                – where I once had a heart. 

But inside this old carcass       – A young man still dwells, 
And now and again                  – my battered heart swells 
I remember the joys                  – I remember the pain. 
And I’m loving and living         – life over again. 

I think of the years, all too few – gone too fast. 
And accept the stark fact         – that nothing can last. 
So open your eyes, people       – open and see. 
Not a cranky old man.              Look closer . . . . see . . .          – ME!! 

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too! 

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart!

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
 
How is she now?

She’s fine. But, the dog died.

And if we held a minute of silence for every victim of every despot, political monster, evil dictator, or supposed scientist with a vaccine we were forced to take, we would never hear another sound…ever.

Well said, Captain

Minnesota Law

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

or

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
 
“Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny.
 
“Well, son” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”
 
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?”
 
“Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love.”
 
“But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you.”
 
“I don’t understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?”
 
“Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

More Mistakes From New English Language Students
 
“In some countries, you should only drink the water that a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad, but it will not have poison.”
 
“My father is a highly rank government official.”
 
“This morning, I was walking outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!”
 
“We won two gold medals, one silver, and four blonds!”
 
“Please execute me for being late.”
 
“I never liked mushrooms, but now they are starting to grow in me.”
 
“Such behavior will result in immediately being exploded from the university.”
 
“The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.”
 
“My landlord gave me a one year contraction. It will be over soon.”
 
“I can usually know when he is lying because he starts to breed a little faster.”
 
“I don’t know if he will propose, but I am expecting.”
 
“Last night, when I ate dinner, I started joking. My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped. I was so lucky he was there!”

So I got in a discussion the other day with some guys at work who were setting up for some sort of celebration.  I told them that they shouldn’t be doing that, that it was a waste of precious time.  The military should not be celebrating Pride month, if that indeed was what they were setting up for. 

I also don’t believe we should be celebrating Black History month. 

No, I’m not a white, far right racist.  I don’t think we should be celebrating Pacific Islander day or week or whatever they get or ANY of that stuff.  I do think we should recognize superior performers because it is them that the rest of us should emulate, but the rest of it is a waste of time we don’t have. 

Let me explain. 

Point #1: Less than 8% of the population will EVER be associated with the military in any capacity and less than 1% is currently on active duty right now.  That means AT BEST that 8% of us are standing in front of the 92% protecting them from the evilness in this world.

Point #2: Everyone’s job, either directly or indirectly in the military is to kill people.  If you can’t wrap your head tightly around that and be right with it, go find another job.

Point #3; As far as the military is concerned, we couldn’t care less what color you are, what your heritage is, what your sexual preferences are, as long as you keep them OUT of the work place.  But one thing that does count is how you treat your fellow military member.  There are going to be times that you are in very close quarters.  The stupid GAMES that the 92% can play about bathrooms and genders and CRAP like that don’t apply to us.  There may be times when everyone, men and women have to share the same restroom, locker room, etc.  And anyone who takes advantage of that situation would be and should be dealt with harshly.  That’s the way it SHOULD BE.  

Which all leads us to Point #4:  YOU HAVE TO BE THIS TALL TO RIDE THIS RIDE!!!  That’s not discrimination, it’s not racism, homophobic, anti … ANYTHING!!!  The fact of the matter is, YOU HAVE TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO DRAG MY BUTT OFF THE BATTLEFIELD WHEN I’M STUPID ENOUGH TO GET WOUNDED!!  I don’t care if you are orange with purple polka dots, so long as you can drag me and my equipment (most especially my weapons) back to the friendly side of the dotted line.

And we are so far behind in the “get ready to fight a war” or the “building up our military might” races against China (enemy #1) and Russia (enemy #2) and Iran (#3) that that is all we should be concentrating on.  Did you get me?  THAT IS ALL WE SHOULD BE CONCENTRATING ON!  We shouldn’t be having diversity classes.  We shouldn’t be having classes on feelings.  We shouldn’t be celebrating Pride month, Black History Month, Polish American left handed basket weaving day or any of the rest of that.  We SHOULD be firing our weapons, or fixing our jets, or loading and unloading our bombs, or cooking our meals, or setting up and taking down our tents, or any of the other wartime taskings that EVERY AFSC or MOF (I think that’s what the Army calls them) has.  (AFSC is Air Force Specialty Code.  In other words, your Air Force job.  I am a 3E9X0 or Emergency Manager.  They’ve changed the codes from when I was active duty.  Back then I was a 462X0.  In place of the X goes your skill level.  A 1 level is someone who hasn’t even been to Tech School yet, but has just been assigned to the career field.  3 level is a Tech School graduate.  5 level is able to perform duties on their own, has completed their CDCs.  7 level is advanced and 9 level is the equivalent of like a college graduate with that degree.  Okay, that was a fast aside and WAY down in the weeds)

But, ALL of this is to say that if our government doesn’t get their collective heads out of their butts and start emphasizing the military part of the military instead of the feel good NONSENSE of the woke STUPIDITY that the 92% have to deal with, then it won’t make any difference what they want to do because there won’t be a United States of American left anywhere to DO IT in.

And THAT has me more frustrated than anything else in my life right now.

God help us all.

It’s a big weekend.  Father’s Day is tomorrow, yesterday would have been the 14th anniversary of Leprechaun Laffs is our brother Lethal had survived his wounds.  And Monday is the 18th anniversary of Dragon Laffs.  Needless to say, it’s a pretty a big party weekend around Dragon Laffs headquarters.  I’m trying really hard to get this issue done on Friday night and I can’t find a sober goblin or a straight fae anywhere around this place.

I think there’s actually a passed out editor under a table that I’m going to need in just a little while.  I’m going to need to find a big bucket with ice water and another big bucket of coffee.  So, let’s go ahead and get the laughter going while I try to sober some of these…

HEY!  Watch out for that drunk guy on the floor!  Stop stepping on him on purpose!  Well, yeah, if you want to draw on him with permanent marker, that’s okay. Yes, I think glasses on an owl bear is very funny.  Ha, ha. 

Sheesh, see what I mean.  There’s going to be an entire weekend of this.  There usually is.  But it doesn’t normally line up with Father’s Day and an election year.  There’s a Biden effigy burning in the dining room and a Trump effigy burning on the balcony and a couple of others that I don’t even recognize.  Yeah, we pretty much detest all politicians around here.  We were really liking a couple of people and following them pretty close but they all kind of dropped out…as we knew they would because they couldn’t stand up to the machines.

HEY!  NO!  WE DO NOT DO THAT STUFF AROUND HERE!  YOU WANT TO PULL THAT KIND OF STUFF AND SHOVE YOUR NAKED BUTT IN SOMEONE’S FACE JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE PASSED  OUT AND YOU’LL BE LOOKING FOR A JOB SOMEWHERE ELSE AND ONLY THEN IF YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE FASTER THAN I CAN BREATH FIRE!  YOU UNDERSTANDING ME BUDDY??!!!  

Everyone in my employ is protect by me whether they are conscious and upright or they are passed out drunk and they all know it.  That’s one of the reasons they feel free enough to cut loose when they have the opportunity because most times I work their butts off.  Laughter is hard work around here.

Anyway, I’m going to go make the rounds while you guys laugh for a little bit.

I’m not sure if I’ve recently used this next one or whether I’ve just recently read this next one.  So, I’m going to run it again, because I know I didn’t have the picture to go with it.  So, if you’ve seen it from me recently than I apologize.  If you haven’t seen it from me recently, than thanks to Leah D.

According to a 19th century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: “It’s a marvelous day today”! The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful.

They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: “The water is very nice, let’s take a bath together!” The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.

The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein, its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbors no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.

The world famous painting- “The Truth coming out of the well” Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896

Iowa, Marshalltown Law 

Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants 

I really want to know how/why they felt it necessary to enact this law.

A friend of mine claims this happened to a friend of hers: 

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.  And you have one cheap wedding present! 

So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. 

The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, 

“Lady, you can only do this so many times!”

Selma and Irving receive a wedding invitation in the mail.

Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.

All was fine until they reached the last line.Confused, Irving asks Selma, “Selma, vat does this”RSVP” mean?”

Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn’t remember. Finally, she cries out:

“Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means “Remember, Send Vedding Present!”

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. 

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it.

He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.” 

“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked. 

The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”

Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker? 
A. In case they have to draw blood. 

And speaking of farts… (yeah, I know…) here’s a comment on the website:

Wow!  I would LOVE that!!!

Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

I saw a headline or a tweet or something where one of those famous chefs threw him out of his restaurant.  I couldn’t find the story because I was on the way to a meeting, let me see if I can find it now… oh man!  It was a satire post!  Darn!  Okay, moving on.

Ohio, Marion Law

You can’t eat a donut and walk backward on a city street

Okay, there’s another one where you gotta wonder…WHY?

LOL!  The perfect Father’s Day meme.

Here’s an oldie that’s been around for a long time.  …  Okay, so that was a pretty dumb statement.  If we’re calling it an oldie, that literally means it’s been around for a long time.  Man, I’m tired.  I think I’m the only sober person left.  I’m exhausted and need to go to bed.  Let’s try this again with just the normal picture, shall we?

WHY IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don’t care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too “icky”.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Why Some Americans Should Not Be Let Out Of The Country (Actual comments from US travel agents……)

1). I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

2). A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

3). I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … clicks.

4). A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

5). I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

6). Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the Gates to save time.”

7). A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8). A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9). I just got off the telephone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10). A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

11). A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

12). A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy.  

At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English.

He then asked: ” Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French? “

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: ” Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German. “

The group became silent.

And that is all for today my friends.  I’ll try and put one together for Monday if I can find anyone sober enough around here to run the presses.  Until then, may I wish all you Fathers a wonderful day on Sunday and until we meet again…May God Bless you all with comfort, love and happiness.

Another really busy week.  I don’t really have very much to say.  Okay, so that’s not true, I have a ton of stuff to say, just not any time to say it.  So, you guys have two choices, you can listen to me talk…or more accurately, read my words, or laugh at the jokes, memes and cartoons.  Which would you rather do?  Everyone who would like to laugh at the jokes, memes and cartoons raise your hands…okay, counting…counting…counting…   Alright, now, everyone who would like to read my words, raise your hands … [sounds of crickets chirping] … no one?  Okay then.  

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

“As an environmentalist,” she declared, “I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils.”

The waiter inspected her chopsticks.

“Very beautiful,” he said politely. “Ivory.”

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.  

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?”

“I’m a cow.”

“Right, right.  What do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”

“Cool.”  

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.  “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I’m a chicken.”

“Oh, right.  What do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right, great, see ya round.”  

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.  

She ran over to it and said, “hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra.  “What do you do?”

“Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

In England
___________

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win £1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the one million pound question was no pushover.

It was: “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it,

A) the robin;
B) the starling;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the sparrow?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it.

Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The friend responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Chris.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Tarrant. “Yes, that is my final answer.”

Seconds later, Chris Tarrant said, “I regret to inform you that that answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde friend who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something?

It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way,how did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” her blonde friend said. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks!”

Dear Impish, I have a question that only  you can help me with…

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag.

Zig Ziglar (1926-2012)

Massachusetts Law

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Our dog, Rex, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard forwhat might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.

When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Rex.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbour, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

“My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbour explained. “If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she’ll leave.”

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Darn it woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. 

To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

Yes…yes we do.

If you are interested in those vintage lunchboxes, contact me and I’ll sell you half a dozen at that price.  Just imagine!  It’s like buy one get five free!

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on. 

Anon

Q. What’s worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house under water? 

A. A blonde trying to set it on fire 

WOW!  Just…Wow!

And that’s exactly where I ran out of time.  Until Saturday my friends.

Okay, so I was going to start out and apologize for unloading on you guys the other morning, but then I got so many messages of support and caring that all I can do at this point is say

And as tempted as I am to just leave it at that, you know I can’t do that.  You guys are really great.  I appreciate you all so very much.  

Depression is a horrible thing to deal with and it’s a battle that I fight all the time.  It does help when you know WHAT is causing the depression and it probably makes it a little easier, but it is still there.  When you spend your life in continuous pain and … well … you guys know the rest of it, I’m not going to belabor the point.  The fact is that sometimes it’s worse than others.  Doctor says to me, do you want to talk about medication for it (after asking me all the obligatory questions, right?  How often do you feel sad?  Do you ever feel like killing yourself?)  And no, for the record, I don’t ever feel like, consider, think about or any other verb you’d like to use with it, kill myself.  And the answer to the medication is always no, also.  I let them talk me into that right after Mary passed away and it was horrible.  Never again.

Anyway, here I am obsessing and I said I wasn’t going to.

So, let’s move along here and get to the good stuff.

It’s now Saturday night and I’m going to try to put together an issue for Monday. I worked today and I’m working tomorrow, but by the time I go to bed tomorrow night, there will be something to send to you guys.

So, for now, let’s

This is awesomely explained…

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. 

When the time came to present what they’d found, 

the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 

‘It’s a period,’ he replied. 

‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?’

 ‘Darned if I know,’ chirped the little boy, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!’

Signs on a Synogogue Bulletin Board 

Under same management for over 5773 years. 

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case. 

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. 

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.” 

Okay, first question of the issue…if you saw someone wearing this shirt, would you think they were
1. Spelling challenged?
2.  Perverted?
3.  had a horrible sense of humor?
4.  Completely clueless?

Me at work

This is a picture from my church parking lot.  Keep in mind that my church is basically across the street and east of me by less than 800 feet (according to google maps).  These guys are west of the church, so they are virtually across the street from me.  When I tell you I live in “Rural Indiana” this is probably one of the best illustrations I can give you.  The guy across the street from me…you remember him, the one with the front door fetish…has free range chickens that run around his yard, front and back yard.  We live on a major state road that has a significant amount of traffic.  I have NO IDEA how those chickens have never been hit.  At least, I’ve never seen a dead chicken lying in the road.  I have had chickens on MY front porch!  Izzy and I were watching something on TV and there was a pause in the sound and all of a sudden we heard a “MOOOO” that was so loud we both jumped up to see if there was a cow in our front yard!  If there was, that baby was going in the BACK yard and I was making a phone call to a buddy to ask him how fast he could get over here with his trailer and get it butchered for me and we’d split the meat.

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS 

  Indecision is the key to flexibility. 
  
You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 

  Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 
 
  Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. 
  
  Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 
 
  The facts, although interesting are irrelevant. 
 
  The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 

  Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

  Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

  Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 

  Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 

  I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 

  If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 

  All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 

  If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

  One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 

   By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

  This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it. 

  Never rassle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 
 
  The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing. 

Have we REALLY reached this low as a human race?

Somebody complained or sued.

Do you recognize this team?  Anyone?  Let me see if I can help you out here…

Yeah, I don’t have a clue with this one.

1955

Just to give you a small idea of what I’ve been doing all week…

That’s the class that I teach, and that’s the back half of my classroom.

My wife is a determined but unsuccessful gardener.  More of her plants die than bloom, yet she never seemed to notice. 

Or so I thought–until one day when she was heading to the backyard with newly purchased plants. 

The phone rang, and I heard her say to a friend, “I was just heading outside to bury some flowers.” 

WHY IS IT ALWAYS BOB!?!?

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. 
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Okay, according to the website that I finally found this thing on, they say that D, C, and B all die.  But I’m throwing the red challenge flag.  The correct answer (my answer) is that the only definite death is D.  C only dies if the stones aren’t the same size and made of the same material or the lever is so thin that it breaks with the weight of the upper stone and kills him that way.  B should never die since there is not enough momentum or downward force on the right side of the lever to lift the left side of the lever high enough to throw the other stone over the side of the wall.  Dissenting views?

Missouri Laws
 
Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).

Whatever you do, DO NOT hire this construction crew.

They quoted me $800 to prep and form this driveway to be widened.

They have been working for 3 months and are just moving dirt from one pile to another.

The supervisor has not been helpful and keeps telling me to get away from the equipment. I told him I would be contacting a lawyer and he said he doesn’t care because he is really Spider-Man.

I definitely recommend avoiding this contractor and finding a reputable one that is at least over 5 years old.

That one hit awfully close to home.

I want to take a second to say something.  Thanks to Leah for giving us those great videos that we just watched, but it reminds me of something.  Stuff that I say at the end of my class each time I give it.  I’d like to share that with you guys real quick and then I need to wrap this up because I have to get to bed so I can get up and get back to work.  You know, each of those Veterans, each of those guys who sit in my classroom, the older ones and even the teenagers (and yes, I have a few teenagers in my class) at one point in their lives we all raised our right hands and we solemnly swore to give up everything, including our own lives, for people who have no idea what it is we do.  You know that only 8% of the population ever become associated with the military.  I know that when I raised my hand, I thought about my family and my friends and my loved ones.  Even though my oath of service will never expire and even though I have one of those civilian jobs where I can get deployed, it’s doubtful at my age that they’re going to call me up.  So, right now, all those men and women in my class are promising to give up their lives for MY family and MY friends and MY loved ones.  I can’t allow them to be in my classroom without taking the opportunity to say “Thank You.”  And all of you out there reading this…if you are part of the 92% that are standing behind the 8% who have offered to put THEIR lives in front of yours and between you and the evilness in this world… well, maybe you ought to give them a HEARTFELT thank you sometime, also.

There was only one other man who ever died to give you more than the American Military Member has offered to do.  Jesus Christ offered to save your soul for eternity.  We only offered to save your body while your here on earth.  But we’re doing what we can.  

Until next time my dear friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.