It is Independence Day!  The 4th of July!  To some of you out there, the day means nothing.  To others it is an important day in your life.  To some (hopefully not on our site) it is a sad day and you are bemoaning its celebration.  This, I can’t imagine, but I am assured that there are some Americans (or perhaps I should say some americans) who feel this way.  I can’t imagine why.

Even those of who are dissatisfied with the state of our country right now, should not hate the holiday that created our country.  I heard a statistic on the radio today that I believe RFK stated 8 years ago 85% of the people polled said they were proud to be Americans and today, less than 15% agreed with that sentiment.  That means that over the last 8 years we’ve lost that.

Now I know he was saying it to prove that he was a better choice for president than Trump or Biden since it was the two of them in office over the last 8 years.  I would have liked to have seen when the change occured, but the fact of the matter is that the change did occur!

Why?

I can point to a couple of things that have happened that make me ashamed of our country.  The childish debate the other night is right near the top of the list.  Arguing about who has the better golf game?  For crying out loud!  

How about the debacle of Afghanistan?

How about the destruction of our military? (You’ve heard me say before that there is a REASON you have to be this tall to ride this ride!)

How about the weaponization of our justice system?

The throwing open of our borders and welcoming of the terrorists, criminals, drugs, cartels, and all the other garbage?

The complete and total mishandling and disregard for the handling of secret documents, emails … it’s called OPSEC and COMSEC! and everyone of you signed agreements just like I did!!!

And I could go on and on…

But…

BUT!!!

What about all the stuff that makes this country great?

What is that you ask?  It’s people.  

The less than 1% of Americans that volunteer to actively protect the rest of us by laying their lives on the line, to stand between us and the evilness in the world.

Or how about the less than 8% of us who have ever done that in their lifetime, even for just a couple of years.

How about those of us who would rather work taking care of other people, serve other people, teach our children, protect them, heal them, drive toward the fire and danger then care about how much money they are making because I guarantee you that every one of those jobs that I am describing and thinking of will never make you rich.  Which jobs?

The military, police, firemen, EMTs, teachers, pastors, did I mention the military?  Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, Coasties, Active Duty and Reserves, National Guard.

Pretend you are standing on a cloud beside God and He gathers up 200 random people.  200 of them! Of that 200 only 1 of them will be, on average, an active duty military member.  Only 14 of them will have EVER been in the military…not retired, not in combat, not anything special, EVER been in the military.

I wish I had the time to look up the statistics on police and fire and pastors and EMTs and teachers and the other service, not get rich but help  people jobs that I’m just not thinking of right now, but I do need to get on with the main part of this episode.  I’ve ranted enough and I think I’ve made my point.  

As you are celebrating your Independence Day today, find reasons to celebrate your neighbors and fellow Americans and take a minute to say thanks to the people who are there to serve…in all the different capacities there are to serve.

Now…

Okay, definitely worth watching.  Click HERE

Stephen B.’s latest wood carving in his words: Meet Uncle Ham, the Patriotic Pig…..

Famous Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

– Mark Twain

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Santa Claus has the right idea. 
Visit people only once a year.

– Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.

– Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

– Socrates

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I was married by a judge. 
I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. 
Every now and then she stops to breathe.

– Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

– Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

– Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness …. 
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

– Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

– Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. 
Then it’s time for my nap.

– Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

– W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

– Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. 
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

– Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

– Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

– Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”

~ Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 
“No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If you love someone, set them free. 

If they come back, it means nobody else liked them. 

Set them free again.

Because when you do a search for “Patriotic Mythical Fantasy” and this pops up and you laugh as hard as I did, you just have to post it.

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐇𝐨𝐭 𝐈𝐬 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐗 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐀𝐬𝐤…

1. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

2. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

3. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

4. Hot water now comes out of both taps.

5. You can make sun tea instantly.

6. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

7. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

8. In June-July-August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

9. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

10. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

11. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

12. The Good news is it dries INSTANTLY!

13. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

14. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

15. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

16. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

17. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

An Australian tourist and his wife were driving for hours through Canada, not even sure where they were. 

The husband eventually says, “I’ve got to stop for petrol.” 

His wife says, “Find out where we are.” 

The husband gets gas, and goes into the service station, pays, and asks the attendant, “Can you tell me where we are now?” 

The attendant looks at him and says, “Saskatoon. Saskatchewan.” 

The husband gets back into the car and the wife asks, “Well, where are we?” 

The husband says, “He doesn’t speak English.”

“All the Dachaus must remain standing. The Dachaus, the Belsens, the Buchenwalds, the Auschwitzes -all of them. They must remain standing because they are a monument to a moment when some men decided to turn the earth into a graveyard; into it, they shoveled all of their reason, their logic, their knowledge, but worst of all, their conscience. And the moment we forget this, we cease to be haunted by its remembrance. Then we become the gravediggers.”

 

Rod Serling is the best American writer of The Twilight Zone  

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I want 5 loaves.” She said,

“My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.” He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this but me.”

 I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:

“Hello sir, how are you today?”

“I’m very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?”

“Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I’m calling you from Microsoft”.

“Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How’s the weather there today?”

” No, sir – MICROSOFT, the computer company. I’m calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -“

“REALLY?? Well, that’s quite concerning……”

“Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -“

“No, I meant it’s very concerning because you see I don’t HAVE a computer”.

“You don’t?”

“I don’t”.

“Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -“

“Don’t have one”.

“iPad?”

“Nope”.

“Tablet?”

“Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don’t even have a telephone”.

After a few seconds of silence, he said “Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!”

I said “Well, you started it!!” and put the phone down.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” 

His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and loudly say, “WHO’S HORNY”..?!!!” and she acts like she’s sound asleep

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. 

The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?” 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. 

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME QUACK WHO DID YOURS.” 

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” 

“No,” replied Johnny.  “How could he, with just two worms?”

The theory works.  I proved it.  I didn’t exactly shoot the first one, but flame works just as well!  All you have to do is burn and eat the first one and the word gets around.

Sadly, I know several people like this.

One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor.  One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket.  The conductor said, “Take it easy.  You’ll find it.” 

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket.  Forget about it.” 

“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.” 

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. 

In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. 

Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. 

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. 

The clerk presented him with his bill for £1,600. 

“There is a mistake here,” he protested. “I have been here only three days.” 

“Yes,” replied the clerk, “But your wife has been here a month.” 

That’s it my friends.  Please be safe, but have a wonderful holiday.  I will see you all again on Monday.

Until then, may our Father in Heaven Bless you with Love, Happiness, and Comfort and may you find joy in your families this weekend.

Episode #2323…seems like there ought to be something special for that.  Maybe if it happened in 2023 or something.  But, we didn’t make it.  And we probably won’t make issue 2424 until the year 2025.  We might make 2626 by 2026.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m speculating on this today.  Weird things are on my mind. 

I think I’ve mentioned to you guys before, that when something is brought up to me over and over again, it’s usually God trying to teach me something or point something out to me or there is a lesson that I’m supposed to learn.  Well, I think I’ve also pointed out to you guys before that my favorite passage is Psalm 23 and over the last week or so I am being inundated with Psalm 23 stuff.  Articles, references, bible study lessons, email suggestions from organizations I belong to, reflection suggestions, and even this morning, a facebook friend who is a Pastor in India, wrote a message on his reflections on Psalm 23.  I won’t copy it out here because it’s his, not mine and because he is a Pastor.  But he included a wonderful picture…

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me;”

When the storm breaks on the mountain, it is the valley that is protected.  I am paraphrasing Charles Spurgeon here a bit, and a bit of Just Bob, It is the shadow of death, the worry of problems, the thought and concern of issues and sins that can destroy us.  Jesus teaches us that if we commit the sin in our thoughts or in our hearts, then we’ve committed the sin and we need to repent and ask forgiveness.  

You can look that one up in Matthew 5:27-28.  

But, by claiming Jesus as our Shepherd, he can protect us from those shadows, as we walk through those valleys.  By walking with Him, living with Him, speaking with Him, His rod and His staff will protect our lives, our minds, and our hearts from even the shadows of sins.  His rod is the natural symbol of His authority and His staff is the symbol of guidance, protection, and comfort.  I’m not explaining this well, mostly because there aren’t the words for it and mostly because I’ve been interrupted in this soliloquy about a dozen times.

Suffice to say that Psalm 23 is on my mind and on my heart and God wants me to learn something from it.  It is a Psalm of comfort for me. 

I always have my coin in my pocket and I usually have a few copies held back because I end up giving so many of them away to people who need them.  (Speaking of which, I believe I need to order a few more because I’m pretty sure I’m down to the last one that’s in my pocket again.)

Well, I couldn’t find the same coin, but one similar enough and I just ordered a couple because they are disappearing.  Christians are being discriminated against around the world and our “swag” is disappearing with it.

So, let’s move on to the rest of the issue, I’m in waiting status for so many other things right now, that I might be interrupted again, but let’s see where we can go with laughing, because laughter truly is the best medicine. 

I could get behind that!

The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV. 

The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, “In my next life, I’m going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas.” 

The wife quickly responded, “How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!” 

“I said, ‘..in my next life … ‘” the husband replied.

“Oh,” she said. I thought you said, ‘ … with my next wife … ‘”

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, “Over 35” and “Under 35.” 

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, “Over 35.” He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.” 

Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, “Once a night” and “Over 4 times a night.” 

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked “Once a night” and found himself back out on the street. 

The moral of this story is: 

“Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed.”

My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip.  

One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. 

“What kind of bear is that?” I asked. 

“It’s called a Kodiak,” Scott replied. 

“Oh, yeah?” my husband Keith shot back.  “And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids?” 

What an odd picture…

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. 

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest. 

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. 

INDIFFERENCE- A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man  as “playing hard to get.” 

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. 

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. 

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. 

FRIGID- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex. 

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. 

They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man, 

“So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?” 

“I got her the Mercedes *and* the diamond ring,” says the rich man. 

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, “Why the hell did you get her both?” 

The rich man replied, “I got her both so if she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler’s to exchange it.  So… What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?” 

The poor man says, “I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo.” 

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items. 

The poor man replied, 

“Because if she doesn’t like the flip-flops, she can go screw herself!” 

WHAT!?!?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. 

W. C. Fields (1880 – 1946)

Man: “Your hair color is fabulous.” 

Woman: “Thank you. It’s in aisle three at the corner drug store.”

Michigan Law

A state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.

SIGNS THAT YOU DRINK TO MUCH 

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking. 

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 

Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. 

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed. 

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 

At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…” 

Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. 

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… 

A workout regime from Joe from NJ that he swears works well…

For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little secret I’ve found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. 

You might wish to adopt this regimen – three days a week or so. I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could. 

After a few weeks I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally, 100-lb. potato sacks.

Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute. 

NEXT, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to over do it at this level. GOOD LUCK 

A man went to the Underwear Company for his 3rd interview.

The manager says, “If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours!  We package our underwear in 5 packs, 7 packs and 12 packs……why?”

The man thinks for a moment and replies, “The 5 packs are for french women, they don’t wear underwear on the weekend!

The 7 packs are for American women, they change their underwear everyday!

And the 12 packs are for men! They only change their underwear once a month!!” 

Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter.

One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.

That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess’ room.

She said, “What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!”

The Prince said, “Don’t be frightened.  I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful.  I just want to kiss you and hold you.” He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before.  They were enthusiastically doing the nasty.

After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, “Wow!  That was fun.  Let’s do it again.”

He climbed back in the saddle for a few seconds.  Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, “That was so good.  We have to do it again.”

He wasn’t very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion.  He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, “Come on, let’s do it again.”

The prince said, “Leave me alone or I will call your father.”

I am so sick and tired of listening to debate stuff.  Izzy hadn’t heard the debate and is replaying it in the background as I’m writing this right now and I’m getting angry as I sit here listening to these two CHILDREN arguing with each other.  What a mess this country is in right now!

BUT IT’S NOT THE BEST PERFORMING ECONOMY IN THE WORLD!!!!!  You have to stop reading your own press releases.

Oh, and by the way, I’m just pushing these political ones out in the order that they are lined up.  Normally, I try to  push a theme or a tone, but today, I can’t.  So, as they are lined up, that’s how they are coming out.

And that last one annoys the CRAP out of me!  How can anyone say that it’s unfair to expect someone to produce ID to vote?  That boggles my mind.  It’s unfair for us to keep you from cheating?  Sorry about that.

Illinois, Des Plaines Law 

Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION 

You’ve got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.

You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.”

You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.

You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.

Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.

On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House. 

Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves. 

Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth  without any voluntary movement. 

Autopsy Club?  Really?  I have some serious questions… I’m going to have to do some research…

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. 

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. 

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money. 

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. 

I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.” 

“Well,” said the golfer, “we were married for 25 years.” 

That’s pretty cool!

At the grocery store in the 1960s.

And the final round up…

Okay, so I thought this was crazy and nonsense.  Then I tried it.  Then I thought it was just me, so I had Izzy Dragon try it.  Thumb over the pinky and thumb under the pinky…here’s our results:

So obviously the two of us are part of the 99%.

So, that’s an unusual place to put that one away, but it is where we are stopping for this issue.

I want to say that I’m quite far behind in answering my personal emails, and in replying to some of the comments on the blog site.  First, I have to say Thank you to Leah for the great coffee mug that is currently sitting on the desk in my office at work.  I should have taken a picture of it before the weekend but I forgot.  But, I love it and thank you very much.

David D.  sent us this great story on 10 cent beer night, but sent it to the comments and I missed it until I went back and checked the comments again just now, so here it is for your enjoyment.

Awesome story!  Thanks David!  It’s easier to contribute by sending stuff to: impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com 

Steve H. pointed out that Whales are not fish and give live birth and don’t lay eggs and says that he’s sure that he won’t be the only one to point this out.  That was in reference to the two egg picture of the chicken egg and the whale egg.  And although I thought something was wrong with that one, some niggled in the back of my mind about whales having live birth, I didn’t question it.  And sadly Steve, you were the only one to mention it.

Christ wrote and said: 

I too am appalled at the piss poor immigration policy and things like the murder of 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray, BUT…I don’t fault Biden.

Immigration policy is Congress and congress had agreed upon a GOOD immigration bill…BUT Trump told the house not to pass it

So, I blame Trump …and as ex military the thing that frosts me the most about Trump is the casual mishandling of classified documents

Chris

None of them and I do mean NONE of them have handled classified documents to my satisfaction.  I dare say that I could walk into any of their offices and find everything from PII to classified sitting out and unsecured.  It is absurd.  Secret email servers, anonymous email addresses, documents lying around in boxes, in closets…are you kidding me!

I think we would disagree on the definition of a GOOD immigration bill, but on the rest, I agree with you in spirit, if not in fact.  I’m disgusted with the lot of them.

And for the others, I’m sorry and will try and get to them when I can.  My biggest goal is to entertain and to get this monkey off my back.  That is only done by writing.  I have a thing that must be told and it’s stuck.  I will try to work on that later.  For now, let me just say

I’m not sure how this is going to work out.  Whether this is going to be done for Friday morning or for Saturday.  Either way, you are going to get an issue.

Before we get started today, I wanted to share something with you that I shared on Facebook.  I don’t share a lot of things on FB, but when I do, it’s usually something cleanly funny, or … something like this.  Something that struck me really hard. 

A little background first.  I bought a book, actually I bought three copies of the book because I plan on giving two copies away.  One to a person who I already know will appreciate it a lot and another to someone in the future when the Spirit tells me the person either needs it or will appreciate it.  It is the book of Psalms as commentated by Charles H. Spurgeon. 

Now, Charles Spurgeon (19 Jun 1834 to 31 Jan 1892) was an “English Particular Baptist Preacher.”   Now, I had to look that up.  A Particular Baptist, among other things, believes that the atonement of Christ’s death would work itself out only for the elect and no atonement was provided for the reprobate.  It goes much deeper into Calvinism and the beliefs from there, but him and I differ strongly at that point, so I quit investigating what a “Particular Baptist” was.  Anyway, Charles Spurgeon was, and to some extent, still is, an incredibly influential preacher, orator and writer.  He wrote commentary on each of the 150 Psalms, and someone put them together in a nice little book. 

That I bought.

Three copies of.

And one particular phrase from one particular commentary really struck me this morning and I had to share my own commentary on his commentary.  Here it is as it appeared:

Charles Spurgeon was speaking on Psalm 12, but I wonder if he wasn’t also counseling us, a future generation when he beautifully said, “It should be our daily prayer that we may rise above our age as the mountaintops above the clouds and may stand out as heaven-pointing pinnacles high above the mists of ignorance and sin that roll around us.”

We need to be the shining example to those who don’t see. As my partner in ministry said the other night at the jail, we mustn’t hide our light under a basket.

I pray that we are all “heaven-pointing pinnacles” in our actions and words that we might be the good and faithful servants or our Lord.

What a phrase…”heaven-pointing pinnacles”… picturing bursting through the smog and dirt of the world and leaping skyward toward heaven.  I just let the images roll across my mind and my spirit this morning and revealed in the beauty of a well-turned phrase.

Maybe it’s the writer in me that enjoyed it so much with that tiny bit of sinful covetousness whispering, “I wish I had said that.”

Now, on with the show.

Stephanie sent this next one in to us.  It’s called “Sit With Me”

“You got hammered at the bar on Saturday but came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’re a drug addict but came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’re divorced, and the last church you attended condemned you for it…. 

You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’ve had an abortion and it’s slowly eating away at your heart, but you came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’ve been unfaithful to your spouse but came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

Here’s the thing, people don’t come to church on Sunday for you to sit in the pew and quietly judge them because you feel that you’re somehow better than them.

People come to church because in their deepest, darkest, most painful moments, they heard about a man named Jesus who could save their soul and they’d like to know Him.”

Mark 2:17

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

My front door

All the time!

This next one is also from our dear friend Stephanie!

Yup!

Okay, so it was an old joke, but it’s still funny.

NHRA legend John Force hospitalized in ICU after fiery crash at Virginia Nationals – Yahoo Sports

Okay, clicking on the title should bring you to the article, but in case it doesn’t, click HERE

My assistants screwing off rather than working, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!

Really, REALLY, REALLY need to change the name of this!

This is AWESOME!  Thanks to Lynn for sending this one in.

What in the world is a 3% “Honest To Goodness Fee” and a Harmonized Sales Tax?

https://www.yahoo.com/news/nyc-dad-outraged-over-plan-190026717.html

At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake’s edge and yelled through his megaphone, “Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up.” Several minutes passed, but the boat didn’t return. “Boat number 99,” he again hollered, “return to the dock immediately or I’ll have to charge you overtime.”

“Something is wrong here, boss,” his assistant said. “We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.”

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone.

“Boat number 66!” he yelled. “Are you having trouble out there?”

Stephen B. sent me a picture of his first car.  Here’s what he said:

I thought I might share a picture of my very first car, a 1970 Dodge Challenger R/T.  (Not my actual car in the picture.)  I was 18 years old, already working for the NYC Transit Authority, and it cost $4.998.00 (if I remember correctly.)  Gas was 34 cents a gallon and boy did this car eat up gas!  

So, I thought I’d share my first car, which was a 1967 Plymouth Barracuda that I paid $100.  This picture is DEFINITELY not my car, but I loved mine to actual death.  Drove the wheels off it.

I actually searched through the house through the old photo albums because I was sure I had a picture of it somewhere.  I found some interesting pictures of me in the air force, but none of the car.  I’ll need to scan some of the others in sometime and show you some of them.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 

Maryland Laws 

It’s illegal to mistreat oysters.

SIGNS THAT CHILDHOOD IS OVER 

*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it anymore.

*Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun. 

*The average 10-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

*Being bad is no longer cool. 

*You have friends who have kids. 

*Saturday mornings are for sleeping. 

*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s playland. 

*Your parents’ jokes are now funny. 

*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” 

*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore. 

*Naps are good. 

*You once deemed Space Invaders as “The best game ever.”

*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen. 

*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd. 

*You want clothes for Christmas. 

*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it’s a shot of you from behind. 

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. 

“Are you sure this is your house?” the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. 

“Shertainly.” said the drunk, “and if you’ll just open the door f’me, I can prove it to ya.” 

Entering the living room, he said ” You shee that piano ? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set ? Thast mine too. Now follow me.” 

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. 

The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. “Thish ish my bedroom,” he announced. “Shee the bed there ? Thast mine ! Shee that woman lying in the bed ? Thash my wife. An’ see that guy lying next to her ? 

“Yeah ?” the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man’s story. 

“Well, thash me !” 

Understanding Investments 

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it.  It will then be worth $8.50. 

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. 

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. 

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. 

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. 

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own.  Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e.  “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. 

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call. 

Okay, my dear loving daughter is trying to kill me.  I worked all day today, rushed home before it started raining to mow the lawn so that I could finish up this Dragon Laffs since I’ve been so busy all week.  I come in the house and ask her to take the dogs out and feed them and she’s in the middle of doing her nails, so I said I’d take care of it, although it’s getting late, so I take care of the dogs, come back in and sit down at the laptop and she begs me to take her to the grocery store so we can go shopping so we won’t have to go tomorrow.  She BEGS me.  So, being the dad that I am, I give in and take her to the grocery store, where we spend way too much money and then have to put all the groceries away and now it’s getting late and I finally sit down to work and realize I haven’t had a single piece of real food to eat all day so I figure (oh, I forgot, in between there, I cleaned the tub with this special stuff we bought at the store because I didn’t want her doing it), anyway, I figure she owes me and can make me dinner and I look over and she’s sound asleep in her chair!

Unbelievable!  

So, being the kind and understanding dad that I am, what did I do?

I woke her butt up!

Well, I’m sure the big political news on everyone’s plate this morning is the debate.  Should have just called it the debacle!  What a mess!  For my money, neither one of them behaved “presidentially.”  Can’t we just throw these two fish back in the ocean and cast our lines back in again?  I would say that Trump did better than Biden or maybe it would be better said that Biden did worse than Trump.  If these are the only two choices than I suppose I would rather have Trump than Biden, but not by much.

I tried to find this on youtube so you could watch it yourself, but it’s only on tiktok, which I hate, but you have to watch this.  You have probably already seen it by now, but watch it again anyway.  This guy reorders an order from Walmart that he had from 2022…well, just click on this link HERE!

In two years.  

Two years!

That is NOT 8% inflation folks.  That’s like 300% inflation! (328% to be exact!)

Okay, those were some that were sent in by you guys that I found real quick.  

ROFLMAO!!!

Let’s face it, the whole place is full of hypocrites, liars, and thieves! 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, “Where have you been?” 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” 

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.”

God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!”

God replied wisely,

“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.”

Maybe I’m showing my age…but aren’t they the “Where’s the beef?” ladies?

Yup!

(Man, I’m good!)

Massachusetts  Law

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

We’re going to finish off today’s issue with a new section that will run until I run out of these pictures.  Some of these are pretty good.

That’s it for those for today. One final meme set and I’m going to call it a night.  I still have some work to do before I can hit the sack.  Feel free to send in interesting historical photos to add to my collection to extend this section a bit further.

SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE 

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments. 

* You have his n’ hers bathrooms. 

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled “Anthrax” and “Cyanide.” 

* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show. 

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house. 

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard. 

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife. 

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks. 

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.

And that’s that …

May God Bless you and keep you and may He shine His face upon you. and remember…

Well, it’s Saturday and I’ve been in all day because #1 it’s too darn hot out and #2 I really don’t feel great today. 

I do want to give a shout out to my Izzy Dragon.  We’ve been cleaning out the house and have made like 3 or 4 trips now to Goodwill to drop stuff off.  Stuff as in car loads of stuff.  A ministry partner of mine said that if we run across any toys, she could use them for a client of hers that she is counseling for grief.  He is on a very fixed income (ridiculously low) and when he has to watch his grandkids he has no toys for them. So Izzy gathered up some of her stuff, got some stuff at Goodwill, and bought a couple of little things new, put them all in a plastic tub with a lid (to act as a toy box) and now I’ll be giving these over to her at church tomorrow.

And she did it on her own.

And she’s technically unemployed right now.  Although she starts her new job on Monday while you guys are reading this.  She will be working out on base with me.  Well, not with me, but on base.  I’m really proud of her.

So far, I’ve gotten some memes and stuff from you guys.  Not from any new people yet, but more from some of the regulars, so that’s something.  So, come on folks…

 

In the meantime, let’s get to the stuff you’ve already sent me…

Okay, we’ll do it.  We have to.  Ahem… how many of you didn’t get the last one, by a show of hands?  Uh huh.  That’s what I thought.  Maybe this will help…

Originally recorded in 1966…I was 8 years old.

Here’s an oldie but goodie from Aussie Pete.

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn’t even know. 

When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. 

An old  bitter looking man approached me and said, “Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.” 

Then he passed his hand over my head and left. 

My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. 

When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! 

I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. 

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life for the better.

That guy that died all those years ago had a twin brother !

If you don’t get that one, read Jonah.

I had gotten that Calvin quote from someone and it touched me deeply.  I tried very hard to find a graphic to put it with, but was unsuccessful.  A few weeks later this picture shows up and I thought, this is perfect!

Rugged!!!

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.

The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors and yesterday afternoon was typical. “I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.  I waded along the edge of a lake, pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles, got sand in my shoes and my eyes, barely avoided stepping on a snake, climbed several rocky hills, went to the bathroom behind some big trees, ran away from an irate mother bear, and then was chased by an angry bull elk.” 

“The mental stress of it all left me shattered.  At the end of it all, I drank a scotch whisky and three Manhattans.”

Amazed by the story, his doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!!!”

“No,” the man replied, “I’m just a really, really lousy golfer.”

My personal scribe.

That one got me all the way through.

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” 

Albert Einstein (1879 – 1955)

Pop Smith sent that one and it’s called Welder Fun.

Louisiana Law 

One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise

That is SO CUTE!

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: 
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels 

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: 
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.” 

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: 
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” 

At a Proctologist’s door 
“To expedite your visit, please back in.” 

On a Plumber’s truck: 
“We repair what your husband fixed.” 

On a Plumber’s truck: 
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..” 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 
“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: 
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?” 

At a Towing company: 
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.” 

On an Electrician’s truck: 
“Let us remove your shorts.” 

On a Maternity Room door: 
“Push. Push. Push.” 

At an Optometrist’s Office 
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” 

On a Taxidermist’s window: 
“We really know our stuff.” 

In a Podiatrist’s office: 
“Time wounds all heels.” 

On a Fence: 
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.” 

At a Car Dealership: 
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” 

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” 

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: 
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” 

At the Electric Company: 
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don’t, you will be.” 

In a Restaurant window: 
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.” 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.” 

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
“Best place in town to take a leak.” 

DUCK!

Saw that one coming!

A guy goes into this diner, and it’s not too clean. 

The waitress comes over, and she doesn’t look too good, either.

He figures he’s not going to take any chances, so he orders two hamburgers and a hot dog. 

Well, a few minutes later the waitress comes over with the hamburgers under her arms. 

He asks, “What are the hamburgers doing under your arms?” 

She says, “I’m keeping them warm.” 

He says, Cancel the hot dog.” 

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. 

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk. 

“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” 

“So how does feeling the roof help you?” He asked the drunk. 

“Well,” the drunk replied. “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!” 

Why, oh why is it always Bob?

THOUGHTS ON LIFE

Why are things typed up but written down?

We had Cured Ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of. 

Why do people say they “worked like a dog”?  Our dog just sat around all day. 

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea? 

I’m a light eater.  As soon as it’s light, I start to eat.

I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise …  so now I watch tennis. 

Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV? 

How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

I’m going to try the Atkins diet in 2024 because my end no longer justifies the jeans.

A true classic!

The Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s up with the big brass gong?” one of his guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed…
“You idiot! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. 
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. 
We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign. 
Weird.

Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. 
Kids these days will never know that fear.

My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” 
I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”

She said she missed me. 
Normally that would be good but she’s reloading.

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus …
And that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. 
Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes,  …
Just as long as you don’t have to go too.

I now know how it will all end for me, …
One of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I met my wife at a singles night. 
I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

I want someone I can share my entire life with …
Who will leave me alone most of the time.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” 
We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, …
I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

World’s Shortest Fairy Tale: 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said “No.” 

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot. 

THE END 

Let’s start with an article sent in by Lynn.  I’m going to warn you right up front, it’s a bit rough and hard to read.  It REALLY pisses me off.

2 migrant men from Venezuela were just arrested in Texas for murdering 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray.  Jocelyn was found in a creek after going missing Monday. Police say she was likely raped before being strangled to death.

One of the illegals came into our country just a few weeks ago and was released by the Biden administration.

SAY HER NAME: Jocelyn Nungaray

Every single day we see these stories. When is enough enough?

You’ve got District Attorneys like that idiot in New York who let’s them out of jail or refuses to prosecute, and yet we the January 6ers who are in prison now for four years with NO TRIAL, NO ACCESS to lawyers.  And you have 70 year-old grandmothers who are being put in jail for YEARS for praying at abortion clinics for the lives of unborn babies.  Yet, the lawbreakers that are in our country illegally can literally get away with MURDER and we welcome them with open arms.

Thank you, Lynn, for sending that in with the pictures. Much appreciated.  Now, on with the rest…

And in celebration of the last little bit of PRIDE month…

Let’s close the political section out with a beautiful picture…

Texas Law 

It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

 

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kind voice in her ear: “How are you, darling? What kind of a day are you having?” 

“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I’m supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight.” 

The mother was shocked and all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in a half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby and call a repairman who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.” 

“George?” said the housewife. “Who’s George?”

“Why, George! Your husband!…Is this 223-1374?” 

“No, this is 223-1375.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.” 

There was a short pause, and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?” 

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. 

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. 

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?” 

“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked. 

“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded. 

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’ before.”

This breaking news article is from Joe in NJ.  It’s entitled:

Tank 1, Car 0

MONDOVI (WQOW) – A man was arrested after reportedly crashing a UTV into a military tank in Mondovi Saturday.

According to a press release from the Mondovi Police Department, they received a report at around 12:49 early Saturday morning that a UTV had crashed into a tank at Veterans Memorial Park.

Officers found the Polaris UTV had crashed head on into an M60 Main Battle Tank on display at the park

The investigation shows the UTV left the roadway, went over a curb, and hit multiple signs before crashing into the tank.

The tank was not damaged.

The driver was identified as Christopher Shultz of Mondovi, and was arrested for operating a UTV under the influence of an intoxicant. Schultz was the only person in the UTV and refused EMS evaluation.

The police department said both speed and alcohol are believed to be factors in the crash.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. 

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling “Mom! Dad! Come quick! There’s a Franc in Stein! 

That’s it for tonight my friends.  There may or may not be an issue on Thursday.  They are getting to be so hard any more.  I may start just posting on Fridays and Mondays.  I’ll have to think about that.  I really don’t have any time for anything any more.  My writing has all but dried up, my reading, my studying…oh I don’t even want to talk about THAT!!!  LOL.  But this is so very important to me…so maybe we’ll try Fridays and Mondays and see how that works.  What do you guys think?  And maybe I can share some of my writing with you inbetween.  Let me know.  And in the meantime…

Well, here it is Thursday.  Today’s issue has gone out and I am already working on Saturday’s issue because I am determined that it is going to be a full and complete one.  Yes, I was a bit disappointed in today’s issue.  So far, I haven’t gotten any comments or anything, which in and of itself is nether a good thing nor a bad thing, but usually I get something.  So, I guess we’ll wait and see.

It’s early enough that I don’t have anything special to share with you guys, so let’s move on to the funny stuff and see where the rest of it leads us.

No!  Nope! Na ah! Not happenin’! No Way! No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No!

“John, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” whined Suzy.
 
“Huh?” John responded.
 
“Look around you!” she yelled as she pointed around the room. “All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don’t even know I’m alive!”
 
“Oh. I’m sorry.” replied John.
 
“You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you’d at least look at me.”
 
“Hmmm,” John mumbled in deep thought, “that’s not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.”

Hallmark cards you won’t see….but would probably sell.

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas…
INSIDE: I hope it’s your sister.

OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

GRANDPAS ARE DIFFERENT

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his granddaughter on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

“Not really, Pa… it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, weirdo, piece of shit, horse’s arse, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip shit, wanker, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!” We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

“Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.” 

Bill Cosby (1937 – )

John Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” 

Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

Massachusetts, Boston Law 

 An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. 

A useful guide for hangover descriptions 

1 star hangover * 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries. 

2 star hangover ** 

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. 

3 star hangover *** 

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once. 

4 star hangover **** 

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. 

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) ***** 

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe…very gently.

Not bad as far as descriptions go.  Could probably use an update.

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. 

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. 

Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

“Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten.” he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

 One remarked to her colleague, “You know the person that did this really needs help.” 

Absolutely amazing!!

I agree with the sender of this picture…I’d have to lose weight before I could live here.

That’s just a bit too close for me.

What’d you do this weekend?
Oh, my ass was just hangin’ out.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/jiRxGGjQ7u1kRC2x/?mibextid=0VwfS7

Good advice no matter what is going on.

This next one is so appalling, so terribly, terribly sad, that I’m not sure I even want to show it.

But I think I have to.  

I don’t understand why the Jews are hated so terribly.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Q: How do you cure bed wetting? 

A: An electric Blanket. 

Rachel, completely fed up with her husband’s Internet obsession finally takes matters into her own hands. 

One night as Morris is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. 

She pulls open the coat and yells, ” Your Time for Super Sex!”

He ignores her. 

So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!”

Finally Morris replies….. “Ok, I’ll take the soup.” 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND “GUYS” 

Men: know what they want to be doing five years from now. 
Guys: are not sure what they want to do later tonight. Okay, so for this one I’m a man and a guy.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. 
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. This one is more guy than man. Disliked Rather and golf.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. 
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school. This one’s a draw.  I detest ties and will go out of my way to the point of avoidance to not wear one, but do wear shirts with buttons and shoes with laces and at my age, still have shirts (and wear them) from high school.  There is a Moody Blues Concert T-shirt that I’m particularly fond of.

Men: balance their checkbooks. 
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.  All man on this one.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. 
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.  And all man on this one.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. 
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.  Hmmm, neither one?  I’m not afraid of becoming my father, I haven’t, and the other one is childish.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. 
Guys: pretend you’re not there when their moms call. Mostly man I suppose on this one.

Men: order wine based on more than the price. 
Guys: bring their own beer. Both here.  I know how to order wine that I like, or that YOU would like, and when appropriate, I will bring the beer.

Well, hurmph.  I really thought I was going to start a man rant with that one, but it didn’t manifest itself.  Man-i-fest itself…see what I did there?  LOL!  No?  Okay…

We just got a new recruit in the squadron who is younger than my grandson…I’m now officially REALLY old.

But, that’s okay.  I REALLY ROCK REALLY OLD!  LOL!  (I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.)

Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one of them on the foot. 

The fisherman screamed, ‘An alligator just bit off one of my toes.’

‘Which one?’ his buddy asked. 

‘How do I know!’ the wounded angler friend said in disgust. 

‘All alligators look alike to me!’

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.  

I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.  

When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious.  I called room service and raged, “I know I’m in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!” 

“The crackers are complimentary,” the voice at the other end cooly explained.  “I believe you are complaining about your room number.” 

Well, that’s it.

I do have a request…or maybe a warning of a kind.  Believe it or not, I’m running really low on memes and cartoons.  Of ALL types.  Political, regular, all kinds.  I don’t know that it’s ever happened that I couldn’t publish an episode because I didn’t have any material, but that might be the future if I don’t get more submissions.  Now, I have gotten more particular and the rules are rather stringent and the episodes have gotten a little bit longer, so all of those factors may have contributed to my sudden lack of stuff… so my request to you guys is probably rather obvious…

And I know that most of you know where to send it, but for those of you who don’t know here is the email address:

Do not…DO NOT send pictures and such to the comments section of the website or the email.  By all means, send comments!  I love to read your comments, but when you send pictures, memes, links, things like that, about half the time I don’t get them.  This is THE best address to send stuff to me, to write to me, to contact me, to complain to me, to call me names, all of that stuff!

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com

And for the best experience in reading the blog …the ezine…the episode … is to go to the website itself at dragonlaffs.com and read it there.  

That’s going to wrap it up for today.  I hope you found that this one was a little better than the last one.