I’m so proud!  What you see, in the above header, was created by none-other than my son, the Whelpling!  He is playing with an AI program that he uses and wanted to make me my own Impish Dragon instead of using other peoples version and this is what he came up with after a little bit of work this morning bouncing ideas back and forth.  I think it’s pretty good.  Now, that’s not to say that I’m not willing to entertain other ideas…any of you other budding artists out there think you have what it takes to draw me?  

I know what you are all thinking.  Why not just take a picture of me and be done with it?  The problem is that I just don’t have time to be posing for all the different situations where I find myself needing to be for headers for the ezine and advertisements for the company and product endorsements and movie industry … no wait…I can’t talk about that one.  Anyway, it’s just so much easier to have a … shall we say, cartoon mascot for the ezine.  And I think that the Whelpling did a GREAT job…but maybe it’s not quite there yet.  And maybe it is.  What do you guys think?  

But for now…

I agree…so much I agree!

That is so adorable.  The look on the baby’s face is so precious!

All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors

– Anon

Okay, I’m not ready for ANY of those yet!

This one is from our buddy Joe from NJ…and I agree with him.

One of my all time favorites!

________________

Rick and Ron in a bar…

One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Wooo, what the heck happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the heck did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my freaking house.”

I agree!  Great one!  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse!

Like any good cartoon, it’s the little things that matter…like the picture on the wall behind them…

A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.

One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. “How about some nice seashells?” she asked. “No, thank you,” the man replied.

Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, “What’s wrong?” asked the man. “I’m going fast,” the old woman wheezed. “Please buy some shells.”

Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.

“Hey,” he yelled to a nearby police officer, “I thought she passed away yesterday.”

The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, but you were conned,” he said “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.

Okay, so that’s me in the passenger seat and Izzy driving.  And it could just as easily have been me saying, “You just ran over that man!!” and then her, “Well, he shouldn’t have been standing there!!!” and me again, “You’re driving on the sidewalk!!”  And I just read this to her and she didn’t appreciate my humor at all.  But, a true artist is never appreciated in his own time.

Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:

1. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.
2. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
3. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
4. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
5. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, “I’m sorry, I dont do autopsies.”
6. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with “Dear Weenie…”.
7. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: “ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)”.
8. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to “chew the fat”.
9. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.
10. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
11. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.

When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation.

To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

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https://www.youtube.com/shorts/J4bEU6E9R6Q

The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I was finished.”

Goldberg was baffled. “I wrote you a 20 minute speech,” he replied. I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: “Is my wife planning to murder me?” Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
2. She always says things like “If you died, would you want me to remarry?”: Yeah, it’s over for you.
3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: “Just to see how much cargo space it has,” she says.
7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: “It’ll be great. There won’t be anyone else around.”
9. She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
10. She’s currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter: Run!

While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she’s trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. 

When the postal authorities received the letter to ‘God, USA’ they decided to send the letter to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read: 

Dear God, 

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC and, as usual, those guys deducted $95.00. 

A rich American tourist was vacationing in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot’s ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear…

“I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here.”

Well, I meant to get to this earlier, but better late than never.  This comment is from Saturday’s issue..

Maybe this will help…This is also Michelangelo…

And the Bowery Boys reference had to do with one of the characters always using the wrong idiom or word at the wrong time, just like the joke did….like irregardless and stuff.  It was a very old TV show that us older folks watched when we were kids… in fact … Kris says…

He noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

 I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,

your son,

Josh

 P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

I’ve often wondered what people have against the horse I rode in on.

A man was telling his buddy over coffee, “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”

“Holy Smokes”, replied the friend, “She actually said that?”

The father replied, “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. I’m paraphrasing a little.  “What she actually said was, Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Biden’s 2024 re-election campaign.”

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.

Some best friends have matching tattoos, but me and my bestie have matching mental issues.

And that is it my friends.  Until next time.

Okay, I have no idea where the above header came from.  It just put itself together.  Before we go too much further I have a couple of things to say.

First and foremost, I have to offer thanks to Richard E, and Ted K for your very generous donations!  They are so very, very appreciated and so very, very helpful right now.

Second, the lawsuit has been settled and it didn’t really go in my favor.  But, it was a debt I owed, doesn’t matter that it was written off in the past, it was still my debt.  And I know that God will continue to take care of me.  We will make it.

And I want to thank all of you for your emails, comments and wonderful support I’ve been getting.  There have been quite a few of you who have been sharing your stories with me about what you’ve gone through in the past and what you are going through right now and how DL has helped you get through.  That really touches my heart.  That is kind of what we are here for.  Those of you who can contribute do so and if you are just here to enjoy, then just enjoy.  If I ever get close to running out of material, I’ll let you know, as I have in the past.  And if you ever have a story that you would like me to share with the group either for feedback from the group or just to share with the group to show someone else that they are not alone out there…which is why I share with you guys…then by all means, feel free to write to me and tell me so and we can work it out together.

Remember, if you can’t get the episode through your email you can always go to the website to get to it and if you need to get ahold of me, here’s the email…and the website: 

Okay, so enough for now.  Let’s get this road on the show

Some of you won’t get that one…but I’m not sure if it will be the younger ones or the older ones.

You know…there’s probably a lot of truth in that…for some of you guys!

A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she’s ever seen. “I’d love to know where that lady got those shoes,” she said to her husband. “Maybe I should ask her.” The husband raises a hand. “Allow me, my love.” The wife beams at him. “What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie.” The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, “Where did you get those shoes?” “I got them in a store just around the corner from here,” replied the woman. “Nice. How much were they?” “Oh, around 500 dollars.” “Thanks for letting me know.” The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, “She got her shoes in Los Angeles.”

A special and incredible thank you to Ted for sending this one to me.  Lee Greenwood and US Servicemembers release a new version of “God Bless the USA”

Just because it’s cool

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: “Is my wife planning to murder me?” Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
2. She always says things like “If you died, would you want me to remarry?”: Yeah, it’s over for you.
3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: “Just to see how much cargo space it has,” she says.
7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: “It’ll be great. There won’t be anyone else around.”
9. She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
10. She’s currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter: Run!

While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she’s trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.

When the doorbell rings, why do the dogs always assume it’s for them?

5 year old:  Why did the chicken cross the road?  

Me:  Why? 

5 year old:  To get to the dummy’s house. 

Me:  ….. 

5 year old:  …..  

Me:  ….. 

5 year old:  Knock Knock  

Me:  Who’s there? 

5 year old:  The chicken

Again, because it’s cool

Most people could care less that people say irregardless.  This misuse should of been nipped in the butt long ago.  Maybe they are just escape goats for the broader problems of the decline of education, but even though I have been biting my time here, cringing at the next foe par while they get off scotch free, it’s truly a mute pint these days.  Face it:  it’s a doggie dog world.  I think I’ll just go curl up in a feeble position.  ex cetera, ex cetera, ex cetera…

And the really funny thing is that Buddy Wheats and I were just talking a few hours ago and I had said that “irregardless” is my number one cringer and he had said that “should of” was his and it’s the first 2 that come up in this wonderful list so reminiscent of the Bowery Boys.  

Ahhhhhhh!!!!  How many of you did I get with the Bowery Boys reference?!?!

Here’s a short little sample…man those were better days…

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde. 
Just a really bad spell of weather. 

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I say, “Oh my gosh!  Me neither!”

Remember what I told you was one of my favorite jokes of all times?  Well, a couple of you sent me links to this one … and different versions at that!

Ain’t that the truth!

This one from Evan

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.
What’s the point?

Something like that ALWAYS reminds me of this one…

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days…

Why aren’t we asking the candidates they’re stance on all of THESE subjects?!?!

My personality is that one drawer in the kitchen that’s just full of random stuff.

The divorce rate amongst my socks is astonishing

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. 

— James Thurber (1894-1961)

Q: Do You Know Why They Bury Lawyers In Graves Dug 12 Feet Deep?

A: Because They Heard That, Deep Down, Lawyers Are Good People.

There was a very poor shepherder out in Montana. Year after year he and his family struggled through the winter, never quite going broke but never making much profit either.

One spring morning the sheepherder’s wife decided that her husband and three sons needed some new underwear. But need them or not, there just wasn’t any money for new ones.

So she bought a package of red dye and mixed up a batch in a tub in the backyard.

While she was inside gathering up her menfolk’s longjohns, a little lamb came gamboling through the yard and landed with a splash right in the vat of dye. The woman dashed out and rescued the now bright-red lamb.

A few days later a buyer happened to spot the lamb and thinking it some new breed, paid the sheepherder ten times what the lamb was worth.

About a week later another buyer who had heard rumors of a new breed put in his order for a couple of red lambs.

The sheepherder’s wife obligingly dyed a pair, and they sold them at quite a profit.

Well, soon orders for red lambs were pouring in from all over the country, and the sheepherder and his family can afford all the new underwear they want.

As a matter of fact, they’re the biggest lamb dyers in the whole state of Montana.

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples: 

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.” 

“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.” 

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.” 

“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.” 

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am a rabid typist.” 

“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.” 

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.” 

“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.” 

“Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.” 

“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.” 

“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.” 

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.” 

“I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.” 

“Qualifications: No education or experience.” 

“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.” 

“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.” 

“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!” 

Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!” 

I was scheduled to fly from Gatwick to Spain, where my wife was staying for an extended holiday. 

As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked. 

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her daughter. 

He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?” 

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake. 

He brought it out, and it was a savory cake. It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top. 

I said “That must have taken a lot of effort to make.”

And he said “No, it was a pizza cake.”

TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT 


 1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener. 

 2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? 

 3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs? 

 4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives? 

 5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us? 

 6. This looks like a good spot for a nap. 

 7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener. 

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? 

 9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering? 

10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss! 

Give it a second, you’ll see it.

And that is it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this issue and I hope it helped.  I pray that God blesses you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

So I’m writing this on Monday.  I’m trying to keep myself occupied.  As I’ve mentioned before, today is a bad day for me.  Today is the second anniversary of Mary’s death.  For those of you new to the show, Mary is my beloved wife of 29 years now.  Although we were together much longer than that.  And it is also the fourth anniversary of my daughter taking her own life.  So…yeah, bad day.  

I got Izzy up early and we took the recyclables to the center and then we did a little grocery shopping.  Not much because with everything else going on in my life right now, we can’t afford to do any real grocery shopping until I figure out what’s going to happen with the #!@&*!# lawsuit, which I STILL haven’t heard anything about yet.  

Oh, I guess it goes without saying that I took the day off work today because I REALLY don’t need to be at work and I REALLY don’t want Izzy to be alone today, either.  Well, right now she is upstairs taking a nap because I got her up early and so I am going to work on Dragon Laffs to keep my mind occupied.  

So, if I start going on about things it will just get bad, so let’s start laughing instead, shall we.

Joe sent me this next one as a video, but I found it on YouTube.  It’s an older one, but funny none-the less.

Ed and Ted met for the first time In twenty years. “So, how’s life been for you?” Ed asked.

“Not too good,” Ted replied. “My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesblan and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.”

“Oh dear, that sounds terrible.” Ed said.

“What business were you in?’

“I sell lucky charms,” said Ted.

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change,  and then goes back and says to the cashier, “Hey, you gave me the wrong change!”

Cashier: “Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don’t make corrections after you leave. There’s nothing I can do about it now. That’s the policy of this bank !”

Customer: “Well, okay. Just thought you’d like to know you gave me twenty dollars too much. Bye. “

Because we are all little angels.

The first 50 years of Childhood are always the hardest.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.  He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.  The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”  The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.  He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

Exactly correct.  You younger guys will learn.

I took my son out for his first pint.  Got him a Fosters.  He didn’t like it – I had it.  Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it – I had it, as well.  It was the same with Guinness and Cider.  By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

Sometimes offense is the best defense.

I like to play this game called Nap Roulette.  It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.
Will it be a 30 minute nap?
Will it be a 4 hour nap?
Will I wake up tomorrow?
Nobody knows.  But it’s risky.  And I like it.

My Superpower?

I can look you dead in the face while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

What is the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

All purses should look as angry as this one.

They didn’t tell you that after his heart grew three sizes, the Grinch died, became overly calcified and well…you can see the results for yourself.

Okay, that’s got to be pretty hot out there.

That would be funny, if the truth weren’t so terrible.

Yeah, I have that same problem.

Me:  I am so exhausted! 

Fitbit:  You have taken 9 steps today.

HR: You can’t call employees “foreskin”. 

Me:  But they disappear when things get hard. 

HR:  Still can’t.

A teacher is marking off the attendance roll when she comes across the name “Hijkm”.  She says, “I’m sorry I’m not sure how to pronounce this name.” Then spells it out.  A girl raises her hand and says…

That’s me and it’s pronounced Noelle.

And this next one that is so similar

19,000 BORDER AGENTS

175,000 IRS AGENTS

8 times as many agents to target American citizens than to target the drug cartels.

In the event of a Civil War, I’m not afraid of the 81 million Biden voters.  Half are dead and don’t exist and the rest don’t even know what gender they are.  And none of them would ever dare own a firearm.

And that would be absolutely hilarious … if he hadn’t actually SAID that!!!

I love listening to that man talk!!!

When I’m feeling down and someone says, “Suck it up” I get the urge to break their legs and say “Walk it off”.

Dad:  You should become a cop. 

Daughter:  I don’t want to. 

Dad:  You chase the same men they do, might as well get paid for it.

Izzy immediately identified this

I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47…

I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

So you think you have problems?

My wife moved my air guitar, and now I can’t find it.

A real friend is someone who tries to pick you up when you’ve fallen and if they can’t pick you up, they lay down right beside you.

Blood is thicker than water, but syrup is thicker than blood so pancakes are better than family

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I just found out that I’m color blind. 

The news came completely out of the green.

I’m getting so sick and tired of these double standards.  Burn a body at a mortuary and “you’re doing your job” but do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence”

Well, thank you guys for helping me get through the day.  I appreciate your help. I do want to take the opportunity to thank Theodore K. for your very kind donation.  It helps a lot.  Thank you.  I’m still waiting on the lawsuit, still waiting on the estate and still don’t have 2 nickels to rub against each other because of the above, so yeah, thank you very much.  I really thought I would have heard from the other lawyers today, and if I don’t hear anything by Thursday I’m going to write to the court and ask for a delay…extension…whatever. 

Anyway, thank you my friends.  Consider yourselves hugged.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.  Until next time.

There are many things that are presented on this site that are funny, controversial, personal, … but the thing that amazes me more than anything else, is the way that you guys respond to what gets posted.  Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.  Here’s just a couple of comments that I read just a few minutes ago before I started this issue:

Thanks Evan,  I’m glad you enjoyed the issue.  And yeah…the lawsuit…which is still hanging over my head.  My lawyer friend has called them, left messages with them, emailed them, and as of the writing of this current line, they have not gotten back with her.  So…I don’t know what to do.  She’s doing this as a favor.  I guess if I don’t hear from them by the middle of next week, I will call their office and let them know that we have repeatedly reached out to them to resolve this issue and they have not responded, so I will write back to the court and let them know the same thing.  That we tried not to waste the court’s time and this is the response we got.  See if that doesn’t rattle some cages.

Anyway, the caring and understanding that you guys show to me is way above what I think other web owners get.  And I appreciate that to no end.  So, without further ado…

Oh Great!  Here we go with this stuff again.  You really expect us to believe that These things really exist?  I know I’m just a simple dragon…well…now that I think about it, my cousin Eddie was rumored to have had an affair with a common sparrow…

Now this one…I think my ex-wife kept this one as a pet…just for me.

This next one is so good!  

Thanks Stephanie!

Me either!

And this tree looks absolutely terrified!

Not sure if you’re into this sort of thing, but here’s an article that gives you a short little description on Creepy Urban Legends From Each U.S. State. https://www.insider.com/urban-legends-us-2018-1

Yes, yes it did!

Yes, it’s a mean joke, but doesn’t mean it isn’t funny

If it were only so…

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer guy and still think they are sexy.

Another mean but funny one

Okay, for this next one, we tried, truly we did, to find this on YouTube because we really wanted you to watch it and we didn’t want you to have to expend any more effort than necessary to go and find it.  But, we couldn’t…find it on YouTube that is.  So, you are going to have to click on the link.  And you are being HIGHLY ENCOURAGED TO DO SO!!!  It is well worth the watch.  And read the captions.  It is GREAT!  Thanks to Stephanie for sending this one in.   https://www.facebook.com/share/r/fDH3TBjQAYCKH36y/?mibextid=D5vuiz

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just  can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

  ~ Hemant Joshi

Well, how do you send interoffice memos at work?

Okay, the above little meme doesn’t do this next joke justice.  And me jumping up and down and yelling, “I love this one!  I love this one!  I love this one!” Doesn’t really do it either.  This is absolutely one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever read in my lifetime.  If you’ve never read this one before, you are in for a treat and if you have, you are still in for a treat:

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Poor planning indeed!  I laughed so hard!

Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful?

With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, young fella.  Nobody ever died of seasickness.”

“Oh noooo!!” Bernie wailed… “You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief!”

I’ve known many people who get motion sickness.  And apparently Joe, who sent in this one, is one of them because he entitled his email, “Been There”.  Izzy suffers from it.  On a long car ride she will have to occasionally ask to pull over so she can jump out and throw up.  Personally, I don’t get it myself. 

I’m the guy that loves the monster rollercoasters and stuff.  In fact, I had a chance to have an incentive flight in a T-38 when stationed at Holloman AFB, NM. 

They told us not to eat a greasy breakfast, to just eat something bland because they knew how mean the pilots could be.  Not me, I had bacon and over easy eggs and hash browns for breakfast.

Well, unbeknownst to us, the pilots had a bet that whoever couldn’t make their rider puke had to buy the beer. 

We were a five ship flight, that is to say a four aircraft flyover for a retreat ceremony with an inflight spare.  I was in the spare.  So while the other four jets were flying really close to the ground in formation over the flag, my jet was way up high in an over watch position.  My pilot said, “There they are, can you see them?”  I said no, so he flipped the jet upside down and pointed up out of the top of the canopy at the ground and we flew upside watching downward through the top of the canopy as they flew over the flag.  I thought that was cool.  He was upset that it didn’t bother me, but he wasn’t done playing tricks. 

After the flyover the five jets flew out to the desert to play dogfight and chase each other through the sky.  We were all maintenance guys doing the ride alongs and we were made of pretty tough stuff…or so we thought. 

Well, it got to the point that the pilots were getting desperate when none of us were puking, so #1 asks the controller for permission to  do a loop.  You have to ask permission because of the changes in altitude that you do.  A loop is pretty tough on your stomach because you pull all kinds of gees going up into the loop and then suddenly you’re weightless at the top and coming down the other side for just a short little while and then you’re hit with even more gees as you pull up out of the loop.  When you drive down the highway at high speeds and you hit the dips in the road and your tummy goes whoop.  Like that only multiplied by a gazillion. 

Anyway, #1 does a loop and then we hear over the radio, “My guy’s puking!”  Then #2 does a loop and “My guys puking!” same for 3 and 4.  Well, now it’s our turn and my pilot asks me over the intercom if I want to do a loop and I say, “Sure!” And we do a loop and he’s listening for the sounds of retching and what he hears instead is, “Let’s do it again!”  He did barrel rolls, and stuff I’ve never even heard of trying to get me to throw up.  It was the greatest ride I’ve ever had.  Needless to say he bought the beer.  It was like the world’s biggest rollercoaster.  He let me fly for a little bit.  It was great fun. 

So yeah, I don’t understand the whole seasickness thing or motion sickness or whatever.  But, I think it has to do with growing up on boats and surf boards and the like.  Maybe that’s the key.  Start when you’re little.  I don’t know.

Yeah, I’m not sure…maybe it was supposed to go along with a story or something.

People wonder why are they paid so much for just being on the phone. Take a look:

—————————————————

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer “No.”

Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

—————————————————

Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”

Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?”

Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

—————————————————

Customer:: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft  Word.”

Tech Support:: “Tell me what you’ve done.”

Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.”

Tech Support:: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me  what it says.”

Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and  Recovery disk’.”

Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”

Customer:: “What?”

Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”

Customer: “No…”

—————————————————

Customer:: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”

Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from  there?”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?”

Customer:: “A white one.”

——————————————————————–

Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.”

Customer:: “How do you spell that?”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “Is your computer on a separate telephone line?”

Customer: “No.” (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support:: “Well then we can’t-“

Customer:: “It says ‘no dial tone’.”

Tech Support: “That’s because you’re on the line  with me right now. You need to-“

Customer:: “No, that’s not it. It does this all the  time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through.”

Tech Support:: “No, ma’am. It’s not even trying to dial right now because you’re on the phone with me.”

Customer: “It must be busy. I’ll try again later.”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?”

Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What operating system are you  running?”

Customer: “Pentium.”

—————————————————

Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an  illegalabortion.”

—————————————————

Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”

—————————————————

Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”

—————————————————

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support: “What does it say?”

Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a  floppy inside?”

Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”

Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What does the screen say now?”

Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support:: “Well?”

Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

While in a very exclusive jewelry store, the shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a watch.

“Look,” said the shoplifter, “Neither of us want any trouble. How about I just buy the watch and we can forget all about this?”

Agreeing, the manager made up a sales slip. The shoplifter looked at the slip and said, “Actually, this is a little more than I had intended to spend. Could you show me something a little less expensive?”

Sasquatch sent this one with the subject line of “Wow….”  and I agree with him…100%

Ever since I was a child I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, “I’ve got problems, every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.

“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street, he asked, “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

With a bit of an attitude he said, “Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

And environment that is not safe to disagree in is not an environment focused on growth – it’s an environment focused on control.

~ Wendi Jade

When the conversation is about guns, they pretend to care about “the children.”

When the conversation is about abortion, they can’t kill “the children” fast enough.

Scientists have discovered several new species of Poison Ivy:  Harvard, Yale, Penn and Princeton.

The Media went through Kavanaugh’s High School Yearbooks but they can’t be bothered with Hunter’s Laptop.

Last week there were 36.82 million deer hunters running around with guns.  NOT one mass shooting took place – FACT!

SO NOW BURING A GAY FLAG IS CALLED A “HATE CRIME” but burning the American Flag is FREE SPEECH!!!

I actually got this suggestion from several different people.  And rather than having someone threaten to sue me … again, I’ll just give you a tease and you’ll have to click on the link to read the rest of it.

The Babylon Bee’s Predictions For 2024

Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.

And remember, it’s just an election year. How crazy could it be?

January 3 – Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 4 – Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency

January 6 – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again

January 9 – David French publishes revolutionary op-ed “The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes”

January 23 – Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable

So, that’s January… for the rest of the year’s predictions, go here:  https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-predictions-for-2024?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=email

Okay, so I think I’ve found another favorite joke of all time.  Thanks for this one Joe.

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent’s house on Christmas Eve.

I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.

I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. “I know these family things can be a little weird,” I told her, “but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.”

“Sounds fine to me, ” Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I’d be bringing Karen with me. “She’s a very nice girl and she’s really looking forward to meeting all of you”

“Sounds fine to me, ” my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me’s. What more could I want ?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the entire year – an Italian woman’s raison d’etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.

I brought her anyway.

7:00 PM we arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, “She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.”

7:30 PM Others arrive – Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts.

We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone and anchovies

When I offer to make Karen’s plate she says “Thank you. But none of those things, okay?” She points to the anchovies. “You don’t like anchovies?” I asked. “I don’t like fish,” Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling, and simmering in the next room

My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says “Knockwurst.”

My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen’s chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, “Knockers?” My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.

None of this is turning out the way I’d hoped.

8:00 PM Second course – The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines on the crab sauce and says she’ ll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my “Merry Christmas” napkin from my lap, and place it on the “Merry Christmas” tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to start any trouble”, my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. “But if she pours this on my pasta, I’m gong to throw acid in her face.”

“Come on,” I tell her. “It’s Christmas. Let her eat what she wants.”

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder.

“Tell me the truth,” she says, “are you serious with this tramp?”

“She’s not a tramp,” I reply. “And I’ve only known her for three weeks.”

“Well, it’s your life”, she tells me, “but if you marry her, she’ll poison you “.

8:30 PM More fish….My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger that the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who instead lights up a cigarette.

“Why don’t you give them a little hand?” I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

“Dear, you don’t have to do that”, my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

“Oh, okay,” Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says “Whoops.”

I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. “Whoops?” No. “Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft.”

More fish comes out. After some groaning, Karen tries a piece of scungilli which she describes as “slimy, like worms.”

My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.

Aunt Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest.

My Uncle Ziti doesn’t know what to make of it. My father’s dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 PM Coffee, dessert …. Expresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

“This is fun,” Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer – even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder and says, “Get the bitch out of my house” 

Sounds fine to me.

As opposed to,,,???

Christmas Oddities

In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to church.

An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

Epstein List Hangs Itself Moments Before Release

U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities.

“This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list,” said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. “Now we’ll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this ‘Epstein List,’ may it rest in peace.”

Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of its own accord.

The list was cremated and buried this morning.

OUCH!

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus traveling in a lift of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

My wife told me, “Sex is better on vacation.”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever received!

Her:  I wish you would just grab me, throw me up against the wall, tear my clothes off and choke me while you….” 

Me:  [interrupts] …Do you have any idea how many felonies that is?”

Umm…okay, sure!

Every day around midnight, I’m shocked to find out it’s only 6 pm.

I’ve got a couple working in my building you can have.

I can’t afford an Ancestry DNA Kit to learn about my relatives.  So instead, I posted online that I had won the lottery.

That is one big ugly dog

You think you can hurt my feelings? 

I used to hold the flashlight for my Dad.

And that my fellow campers, brings to a close another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  I want you to remember…

And I want you to remember that I am always praying for you to have God’s Blessings upon you and that He might bring you Happiness and Love, Health and Comfort all the days of your life.  So, until we meet again.  Be well my dear friends.

Welcome to another issue of the greatest ezine on the internet.  

Yeah, that’s all I’ve got to say this morning.  I figure I’ll get this issue started before I start in on my prep this week for my jail ministry and my soon to start Thursday night ministry.  The new one is called Heroes of the Bible.  It’s a study of Hebrews 11.  If you aren’t sure, go and re-read that chapter and it should become clear.

Anyway, 

We are all putting an awful lot of faith into 2024.  Let’s pray to God daily and keep Him on our side and that can only help.

umm… I’m not sure…

Okay then.

We received about 20 inches of snow this week. So………. 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 

 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. 

 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 

 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere. 

 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snowmen instead. 

 8:22 – The transgender man / woman / person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts. 

 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not to be used to decorate snow figures. 

 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow person is white. 

 8:30 – I used food coloring to make the snow person a different color and be more racially inclusive. 

 8:37 – Then I was accused of using a black face on the snow person. 

 8:39 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered. 

 8:40 – The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 

 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 

8:43 – The ‘council on equality’ officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 

 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now a sexist. 

 9:00 – I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 

 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 

 9:29 – Far left protesters, offended by everything, marched down the street demanding that I be arrested. 

 9:45 – The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media 

 10:00 – I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman… 

 Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.

Now see!  There is a man who has been married for a while and knows exactly the right thing to say at the right time.

I wish pets lived longer and life wasn’t so expensive and cake didn’t make you fat and people weren’t idiots.

Boy aged 4:  Dad, I’ve decided to get married. 

Dad:  Wonderful, do you have a girl in mind?! 

Boy:  Yes…grandma!  She said she loves me.  I love her, too…and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world! 

Dad:  That’s nice, but we have a small problem, there!! 

Boy:  What problem?!  

Dad:  She happens to be my mother.  How can you marry my mother!!  

Boy:  Why not?!  You married mine!!!!

These are the alarms that protect our doors and portals at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  If you don’t have the correct passwords, these little guys make sure you do not pass through.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse.

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today.  I have a wee cough.”

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really?  Thanks boss, see you next week!”

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.  She was a mathemachicken.

We are protected from the sea as well.  My third cousin on my mother’s side run’s the naval protection.

I’m beginning to think my chiropractor
is manipulating me.

And the sad thing is the comparison between THIS meme and the “Meanwhile in Australia” memes.  Not only is it embarrassing, but it’s worse because probably true somewhere.

Well, you can tell that whoever wrote the above does not have a clue about us.  Hoard useless, shiny things?  The last time I checked, gold isn’t useless.  And eating too much?  How is that even possible?  The rest of it, maybe.

That is AWESOME!!!

On HGTV, people can flip a whole house in a month.  Meanwhile, I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for a week now.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

That’s because of Bidenomics.  The democrats are taking such good care of us.  Oh wait…only if you’re an illegal that is.

Don’t judge a person for drinking and swearing, judge the quiet sober ones.
  Those *&#!&*!#s are up to something!

If there is a wrong place and a wrong time,
I’ll be there.

And so very much of it was weird.

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck.

Oh come on, man!  Not the fish!

Nope…not saying it…it’s just way too easy.

Here’s an article sent to me by Lynn that I’ve been holding on to until after the holidays.  It’s worth reading.

Biden protects bloated bureaucracy over those they serve

The Biden administration is setting a booby trap in case a Republican wins the presidency in 2024.

The White House unveiled a proposed rule Friday that would make it even harder than in the past for an incoming Republican president to wrest control of the left-leaning federal bureaucracy and actually implement the conservative policies promised to voters.

Of the 2.2 million federal workers, only 4,000 are presidential appointees.

The rest stay in their jobs, from one administration to the next, protected by rules making it nearly impossible to discipline or replace them. 

They overwhelmingly favor the left. (Maybe in the upper echelons they do, but us grunts in the lower ranks…not so much)

A staggering 95% of unionized federal employees who donate to political candidates give to Democrats, according to Open Secrets.  (But how many actually give?  I don’t give to political candidates.  I give to causes…as I think most republicans do)

Only a tiny 5% support Republicans.

Some federal workers in high positions slow-walk or even derail a Republican president’s agenda — and get away with it.

Why bother to vote if the left-leaning deep state stays in charge no matter who wins the presidency?

GOP candidates Donald Trump, Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis are vowing to conquer this obstructionism.

Everett Kelley, union president of the American Federation of Government Employees, claims GOP contenders want to “politicize routine government work.”  

Nonsense. We’re not talking about mail carriers.

It’s time to make lawyers, PhDs and other top-level career bureaucrats implement the president’s agenda, not their own.

After Trump won in 2016, they went to town neutralizing him on almost every policy front.

Career lawyers in the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division flat out refused to challenge Yale University’s discrimination against Asian-American applicants.

Trump had to recruit lawyers from other divisions.

After Biden became president, the DOJ dropped the case.

But the same career lawyers made the losing argument favoring affirmative action at the US Supreme Court. 

Career health officials like Dr. Deborah Birx circumvented Trump’s instructions to moderate COVID lockdowns. 

Environmental Protection Agency lawyers pursued cases against fossil-fuel producers and withheld the information from Trump appointees.

Trump mandated that new federal buildings be designed to please the public, which prefers classical forms. 

Instead General Services Administration architects chose modern designs they like. One result is the new federal building in San Francisco, the ugliest edifice in the city.

(That is one ugly building!)

It goes on, including weaponization of the FBI against the president himself.

In October 2020, President Trump issued an order that federal workers who make policy should be reclassified as at-will employees who can be terminated.

But before it could be implemented, Biden became president. Biden canceled it immediately, knowing the bureaucrats were on his side.

The rule announced Friday would slow a president’s ability to reinstate Trump’s order.

Democrats in Congress are going further, pushing to eliminate the president’s authority to reclassify jobs altogether. 

The New York Times announced, “Biden Administration Aims to Trump-Proof the Federal Work Force.”

Vivek Ramaswamy vows to do more than Trump, eliminating half or more of civil-service positions.

He says, “Speaking as a CEO, if somebody works for you and you can’t fire them, that means they don’t work for you.”

New York magazine facetiously claims holding employees accountable is a threat to good government and warns a Republican victory will mean “a new class of federal appointees charged with a partisan agenda.”

Democrats and their media allies falsely romanticize civil service, claiming it protects “merit” over patronage.

Merit was the intention when the 1883 Pendleton Act created the civil service. But merit is largely gone. 

Scramble those five letters and what you’ve got is the “timer” system.

Federal workers get bigger salaries and fatter benefits than private-sector workers doing comparable jobs.  (WHAT?!?!  Since when?  Maybe at the top level.  But for the job that I’m doing, I could make two to three times more in the civilian market. The people who do the REAL work don’t do it for the money, they do it to serve their country.  But then again, I don’t REALLY work for the government, I work for the military.  The United States Air Force to be exact.  That’s a big difference.)

And they almost never lose their job, no matter how derelict they are.  (Sigh)

They put in their time and skate to a gold-plated retirement package.  (Don’t I wish.  If that were the case, I wouldn’t still be working after 30+ years of service)

It’s a gravy train, paid for by John Q. Public. (Well, John Q. Public includes us, too)

That’s sickening enough. But it’s even worse when these civil “servants” put their own leftist leanings ahead of the president and public they’re paid to serve. 

Bravo to the GOP candidates pledging to take on the deep state — replete with deadbeats and lefties — and return government to the people. It’s a worthy fight.

Shame on Biden for protecting bureaucracy instead of democracy. 

Not in America.

Betsy McCaughey is a former lieutenant governor of New York.

I do understand the point of the article and I agree.  The problem with her article is that it makes it sound like ALL government employees are in the same boat.  We’re not.  You’re really talking about the top 5 or maybe…MAYBE 10%.  All the rest of us are UNDER paid for the work that we do and don’t get ANY of those perks.  Nor do we have any say-so in anything that goes on.

Okay, so I think it might be a legitimate plan…

YOU wouldn’t surprise me at all!

And the scariest part:  Why is no one asking questions?  She’s not bright enough to pull that crap off on her own!!

Come on…work it out.

Seen on the NY Subway…that is a great name for a ball team!

And here’s a GREAT Letter of Resignation sent to us by brother Joe from NJ

Letter of Resignation

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary math still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In aworld of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never screw with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely

Ponder these Proverbs…

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good

It was Super Bowl, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time.  As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.

“Pardon me, sir,” the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. “Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?”

“Yeah. It’s my wife’s seat.”

“And why is it empty?”

“She died.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. But couldn’t you get a friend to come to the game with you today?”

“Impossible,” the man said. “They’re all at her funeral.”

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm… “I’d like to buy a horth” he says.

“What sort of a horse?”, said the owner.

“A female horth.” The owner shows him a mare.  “Nithe horth,” says the dwarf, “can I thee her eyth?”

The owner picks him up, shows the eyes.

“Nith eyth,” says the dwarf, “can I thee her teeth?”

The owner picks him up and shows him the teeth.

“Nith teeth,” he says, “now can I see her twot?”

The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out.  The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that…can I see her wun awound?!?!”

I’m letting everyone I know I’m heterosexual.

So, feel free to praise me for my courage and incredible bravery.

I think this next one is a GREAT idea…

Teachers should wear body cams like police so parents can see how their children act…

I have a riddle:
If you’re going down a river at 2 mph and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I would just like to thank the person who told my daughter that when she lies her eyes turn a different color.  Now she squeezes her eyes shut every time she lies…and my job just became a whole lot easier.

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.
We haven’t met yet.

It’s perfectly okay to talk to yourself and it’s perfectly ok to answer yourself.  But it’s totally sad that you have to repeat what you said because you weren’t listening.

And that is it again for another issue my friends.  Until next time, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.