Still Sunday.

As I mentioned towards the end of the last issue, I was going to try and start this issue today, Sunday, and I have.  Not sure how far I’ll get, but let’s see.  

Since I spoke to you last, I left to get Izzy from work, went to the grocery, took the dogs out, did my FBI homework for the day, sent photos of a letter that Mary got from the courts about her sister TO her sister, of which she knew nothing about, and have returned to my favorite people.

Yes indeed.

At times, I do lead an interesting life.

But remember the old curse…

May You Live In Interesting Times.

Yup.  That’s me.

It’s wrong of me, I know, but I wish cartoons would continue sometimes so we could see what happens next.

Thanks to Ted for sending this one.  Just to show you how far behind I am … or perhaps more precisely, how many submissions I have in reserve, I got this on August 27th.

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful, especially if you’re North of 70!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me.
For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.
We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one’s seen him since.
We danced to ‘Little Darlin,’ and sang to ‘Stagger Lee’
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..
We didn’t have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn’t talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they’d go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We’d never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren’t named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We’d never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and ‘gay’ meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We hadn’t seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.
And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.
T-Birds came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.
There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill
And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.
But all things have a season, or so we’ve heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We’ve come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.
So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they’re using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children’s children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn’t grow up in the fiftys,
You missed the greatest time in history,
Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

And another good one from Ted

Sadly I wonder, how many won’t get this one.

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. 

I wasn’t aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

“This is our prison quartet,” he said, “behind a few bars and always looking for the key.”

My great, great, great, great, great, great. great, great-grandfather.

Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on a camping trip for the first time.

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightening bugs and said to his friend, “We might as well give up, now they’re coming after us with flashlights!”

Some do’s and don’t do’s for all you travelers


In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub. 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk. 

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M.  daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:  Drop your trousers here for best results. 

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking. 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop:  Drive Sideways. 

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today — no ice cream. 

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other diseases. 

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:  Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: 

– English well talking. 

– Here speeching American. 

So sad…

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available. 

Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later… 

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. 

Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket. (He does) 

Ten minutes later… 

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket. 

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns.

One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.

She went to the priest and told him, “Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon.”

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as ‘our’ not ‘your.’

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit.

 The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit. On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, “Father! Father! I found your watch!”

The bishop said, “How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?” 

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, “I found it under OUR bed.”

Yup!  That one is definitely me!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. 

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t think so!”

“Just go out there and give your sermon with fire and determination. You’re not afraid of the congregation, are you?”

“Oh, no,”  smiled the vicar.  “The choir and I have them outnumbered.”

When the heck is America going to wake up?

https://www.yahoo.com/news/taxpayers-fund-trans-surgery-inmate-172952731.html

7.8k

A Few Lessons I’ve Learned in a Mountain Hurricane:

-No one is talking about politics

-Most used phrase: “How can I help?”   

-Greatest concern: Friends and Family

-No one cares that AL beat GA

-Men love power tools

-Everyone wants to do something

-People are generous

-Trash bags are a vital necessity

-Always carry work gloves in your car

-Dawn detergent is a magic brew

-Our truck bed will only hold 317 tarps

-Water is a precious commodity

-You can never buy enough diapers

-Cell phone service is a modern day lifeline

-Helicopters can land almost anywhere

-Never drive over live electric wires

-A sleeping bag and a hot meal is priceless

-God isn’t dead in the midst of a tragedy

-An old determined man can drive a tractor through hell or high water

-Women can do more than make sandwiches

-Dragging a tree out of a stranger’s yard may make him cry

-You don’t need a t-shirt advertising your church to be used by God

-The hours are long, but the days are short

-The sweetest fellowship is often found in the nastiest places

-Jesus lives in the midst of our brokenness

 

Shared from Jeri Ferguson Jones

While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men’s room had this on the ad: “Manufactured to strict British standards.” 

Underneath, someone had scratched, “So was the Titanic.”

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. 

The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager. 

“You’re too cautious and detail oriented,” the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money. 

“What’s your secret?” the analyst asked. 

“It’s simple,” the broker explained. “I have two kids… ages two and six… so I add their ages together and bet on number nine.” 

“But two and six is eight, not nine!” protested the analyst.

“See!” the broker replied, “I told you you’re too cautious and detail-oriented.” 

Our dear buddy Joe from NJ had this to offer today:

I normally don’t pass stock tips on, but I thought this exception would be ok.  If you hold any of the following stocks, you may want to review: 

American Can Co
Interstate Water Co. 
National Gas Co. 
Northern Tissue Co. 

Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. 

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean… 

Yeah, eventually, I guess it is.  But it’s gonna get cold first.

As I end this, I want to ask you all to join me in prayers for our brothers and sisters in Florida and for Papa Dragon Most Senior and his dear wife, who will be smacked with the granddaddy of all hurricanes. 

While I was sitting at work today (Monday) I got a Flash Message in the morning that Milton had been categorized as a level 1 hurricane. 

Then like two hours later I got another one that said it was a category 3. 

Then less than two hours after that I got yet another one that it was now a CAT 5! 

I will admit that my first thought was, “What the heck happened to 2 and 4?”  But then I started to worry about my Dad who will be right in the middle of all this and probably doesn’t have a clue about what’s going on.

So please join me as we ask our Father in Heaven to protect ALL the people in Florida who are going to be struck with this demonstration of His awesome power.  We know that there is a plan behind why He is allowing this to happen and we thank Him for His blessings in our lives and ask Him to keep our loved ones, our friends, and our families safe, warm, and protected over the coming days.  We thank you, Lord for the awesome sacrifice your Son made in the forgiveness of the sins of all of us and we acknowledge our responsibility in forgiving those who have trespassed against us. Father we thank you and ask these things in your loving Son’s name.  Amen.

I      have      had      one      of      those      days!

I don’t know when it was decided that I have the answer to EVERYONE’S question at work, but I was getting emails and phone calls for and about stuff that is so far removed from my line of expertise that at one point I actually laughed out loud at someone.  They wanted me to grant them access to a program that I have absolutely NOTHING to do with and should be really obvious that I have nothing to do with.

And then I’ve been a moron all day to go along with it.

Let me ‘splain.

Izzy asks me to pick something up for her on the way home from work. 

Sure, no problem.

While I’m standing in line, after congratulating myself on picking up what she asked for and a couple of other things we needed, I noticed that the guy in front of me was wearing shorts.  My thought process goes something like this:

• He’s wearing shorts.
• Well, it is much warmer now than it was this morning when you went to work.
• I wonder if he glances at you and sees that you are in long pants and what amounts to a sweatshirt if he’s going to think you’re weird because it’s so warm outside?
• I’ll bet he’d really laugh if he found out that I had the space heater on in my office today because it was so cold in there.
• GASP!  I LEFT THE SPACE HEATER IN MY OFFICE ON!
• There’s no one there!!
• The building could burn down!!!
• I have to drive all the way back to base and shut off the space heater!!!!
• (Oh, it’s brand new, it’s perfectly safe, it will be fine till morning)
• NO! NO, No, no,no,no,no,no,no…..
• I can’t take that chance….because what if it does….what if a million to one chance happens and….

So, I take the groceries home real fast and throw them at Izzy because there are ice cream sandwiches in there that I don’t want melted and race back out to base and open up my building and open up the outer office and open up my office and go behind my desk only to find out that the space heater is off!!!!!!!!!!!

I must have shut it off before I left and just not realized it.

So, now I’ve lost an hour.

I get home and decide that I should wash my clothes tonight since Im working all weekend, I won’t have time otherwise.

Long story short, I find a pen and my ID card (with an electronic chip in it) in the dryer having been washed and dried.  I praise God for not letting the pen explode even though it has come completely apart and I pray to God that the card still works in my computer when I get to work tomorrow.

It’s like everything I touch today goes just a little bit wonky. 

So, let’s see if this can go right…. ahem….  

Gonna start off with something a little off kilter today.  The look on her face is just CRUSHINGLY heart rending.  And James Woods, whom I respect a great deal, is absolutely correct is his assessment of the situation.  These poor people are suffering so much more than they need to be FEMA has no money to spend because they spent it all on illegals.  Here, it goes right along with this headline:

So nice to see that their priorities are on the things that matter in this country…you know…like its citizens.

So, we’ll change things up with a beautiful bit of photographic playfulness and move on to the laughter

Already getting some cute Halloween stuff.

I would truly LOVE to live at the corner house on this cross street!!

The answer is 45, if you didn’t already figure it out.

I laughed SO hard!

Yeah, I know it’s old…but it’s so good!

That is so cool that they did that for him!

They tell me that’s part of the new test to get your motorcycle endorsement.  I’m done for!

The Dad’s only get one day of honor
per year. Father’s Day.

Mom’s get TWO days.
Mother’s day and Labor Day!

I read that to Izzy and she spent the next ten minutes telling me stories similar and just as bad as that one from Dollar General.  Unbelievable!  

I have no idea what that is or what it means, but it is a cool picture.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. 

The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. 

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my goodness!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” 

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.”

The old man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” 

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” 

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” 

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.” 

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

And the other moral of the story is, how hard was it really to MAKE that person’s day?

A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?”

“Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. 

As she is sitting on grand dad’s lap she says, “Grandpa, can you make a frogie sounds?

“A sounds like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make sounds like a frog.” 

The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?” 

Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweet heart, why do you want me to make sounds like a frog?” 

And the little girl says, “‘Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Disney World”!

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – “Get me a coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are alking to, you fool?!”

“No.” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

The teacher is in front of this grade 2 class. She is explaining what they are going to do.

“O.K. kids, this morning for English lesson we are going to make up sentences with the word lovely in it. Is there anybody who wants to have a go at making a sentence with lovely in it…”

Two kids put their hands up, young Sally and Little Johnny, (Little Johnny also happens to be the class clown and is well known as an inciter of anarchy.) so the teacher looks at young Sally and says, “Sally, do you have a sentence for the class?”

“Yes miss.” says young Sally eagerly.

“O.K. then, tell the class your sentence.”

“Mommy, Daddy and I went to the park yesterday and it was lovely.”

“That’s very good Sally, is there anybody else who wants to have a try?”

Little Johnny’s hand shoots up and he is saying, “Pick me miss, pick me, me, me!!”

The teacher thinks to herself, I suppose there is not too much Johnny can do with the word lovely. So she decides to let Little Johnny to have a try. “O.K. Johnny you can tell the class your sentence.”

So Little Johnny stands up and tells the class his sentence. “The other night my sister comes homes and says to my dad, ‘Daaad, I’m pregnant…’ so dad gets up and says, ‘That’s lovely….That’s just FRICKIN’ lovely!!!”

So, it’s Sunday and I got off work a little early.  Everything worked fine, by the way.  This would normally be the time that I would start working on Thursday’s episode since I’m very busy on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I’m going to finish up today’s episode, get my homework done and start on the next one.  My time is so tightly wound together…sigh. 

Anyway, I arranged my folder from oldest to newest so I’m going to start presenting these in the order that I get them…see how that works out.

It’s amazing how appropriate these still are!!!

John went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called: “How to Master Your Wife”. 

Salesgirl said: “Our science fiction section is upstairs.”

No!  Sigh.  Just like I try to tell Izzy, just because you call yourself a Christian, doesn’t make you one.  Just like standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car.

And that is it my dear friends.

It’s Sunday and I have about an hour to kill so I thought I would get started on Thursday’s issue.  I have a lot of other things to work on so I can’t spend too much time, so I’ll see what I can get done.  Sunday is usually my “homework” day.  I try to get Tuesday’s Living Free lesson ready, Wednesday’s Jail lesson ready, plus now I also have my Sunday daily FBI homework (we have homework scheduled for everyday of the week, it’s normally not a lot.  They say it’s planned for about an hour.  Well, either I’m doing it wrong or the people who they timed it for are sixth graders or something because I normally get the daily homework done in at worst half that time, often less than that.), plus Sunday is also trash day since it’s picked up on Monday.  We go around the house and gather the trash from all the little trash cans and get it out to the curb.  It’s also the day that I set up my medicine for the week. 

That’s a chore.  I take a lot of medicine and supplements to stay this healthy.

Oh!  I forgot to tell you guys.  I went to the doctor the other day and (for those of you who understand diabetes stuff) she ran an in-office A1C test on me.  (A1C used to mean Airman First Class or “two-striper” to me.  Now that I’m older, it means something completely different.)  Anyway, I’m down to 162 lbs.  That means from my heaviest way back when of 305, I’ve lost 143 lbs.  If I lose 9 ½ more pounds then I would have lost half of me.  

I … don’t know what to say …   … Or how to feel…   … This is really weird.   So, I’ll just move on. 

My A1C…I told her (my doc) that I thought it would be around 7.3, like it was last time. 

She said, “Why so high?” 

And I said, “We’ve had this conversation.  You know that I don’t think that is that high.”  But, honestly, after discussing it with a guy who I am going to FBI with, I’m starting to reconsider that.  I didn’t say that last part out loud, but it’s still true.  Maybe I’ll save that for another time. 

She said, “Well, let’s just see what it comes back as.”  All this time her nurse was jabbing my finger and drawing blood and walking out the door.  A short time later doc says, “6.8!  That’s great!” 

I thought to myself, well other than losing another couple of pounds since I’ve been here last, I haven’t really done anything different. 

But she did cut one of my medicines down because of it.  Now I’m only taking half of what I was before, so that’s AWESOME news.  The more medicines I can get off of the better.  I don’t mind the supplements (Iron, D-3, that sort of stuff) that is to make me healthier.  But the actual medication, not so much.

So that is really enough ramblings about my medical life.  I think it took me longer to write all that out than it actually took for the doctor visit.  So, let’s move on to the fun stuff.  I think I might have a short story to share with you that I found for FBI in my studies.  We’ll maybe get to that in a bit.  In the meantime…

We joke, but it’s so true!

(Guess who that’s from?)

That is NOT going to work out well.

Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my Bull Dog; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” 

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. 

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. 

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!” 

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.

“People,” he said, “I’ve just been informed that we’re going to be having a fire sale.” 

“A fire sale?” spoke up one agent. “But we sell insurance.” 

“I said a fire sale, and I meant it,” he replied rather coldly. “Anyone who doesn’t make a sale gets fired.” 

I know it’s weird, but that looks really good.  Yum!

This is an old one, but definitely worth repeating…

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 

– Two Italian men and one Italian woman 
– Two French men and one French woman 
– Two German men and one German woman 
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman 
– Two English men and one English woman 
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman 
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman 
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman 
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman 
– Two American men and one American woman 

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: 

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. 

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. 

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. 

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. 

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. 

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. 

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. 

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun. 

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a “hot rock massage”, and go shopping… 

Charlott stormed into the eye surgeon’s office and went up to the desk.

“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.  “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said.  “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

Looking for something different for my sister’s birthday, I decided on a pair of pajamas made up of bright scenic prints of the natural wonders of the world. I wrapped them up and sent them off. I just received this email from her…

“Dear Sis,” she wrote. “I don’t mind having ‘12,948 feet high’ indicated on my bosom, but I thoroughly resent ‘greatest natural span’ across my ass!”

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. 

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home. 

“Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.” 

“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. 

“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. 

“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?” 

“Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,” said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated,

“Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel…..” 

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.

He called his mother to share his good news with her. 

He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. 

When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women – a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. 

His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one. 

He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. 

She looked at each one carefully and then replied:  “It’s the redhead.”

“How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?”

he inquired.  She coldly replied, “Because I can’t stand HER.”

Soon after marriage, the lady’s husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

She asked, “Why don’t you ever wear your wedding band?” 

He replied, “It cuts off my circulation.” 

She answered back, “It’s supposed to!” 

Yeah, He did that to me, too.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.

It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …”

“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly. 

“What bus should I take home?” the boy finished.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope to have another issue on Monday, but with me working all weekend, so that is up in the air at this point.  But, until then, may God Bless you.

We continue to feature headers sent in by Aussie Pete.  He’s the only one, so far, who has taken up the challenge to send in a header … well, since Lethal Leprechaun and I used to trade them back and forth trying to embarrass each other.  And speaking of our good buddy.  We acknowledge his birthday from last week.  It’s been five years since he made the journey to bow before the King of Kings, as we all will do one day.  We never discussed whether he was saved or not, but I know that God has a special place set aside for loyal Marines and other Veterans who have served and suffered for their country.  There are very few who were as loyal or who have suffered as much as our Leprechaun.  Colonel, you are missed my friend.

The hurricane Helen or Helane or whatever her name is … okay, hang on, I have to look it up now … Helene.  Okay, so I was close … twice!  Anyway, Helene is now starting to affect us in Indiana (if you can believe that!)  Hurricanes in Indiana.  Whodda thunk it?!?!

But that’s me where the X is and that yellow area is supposed to swing right around to us tonight… not much of a hurricane anymore, though.  They are warning us of up to 40 or even 50 mph winds.  Yeah, that’s just a gusty afternoon around here.  Unlike these guys…

I know…I shouldn’t be joking about it.  Last I heard, she took 28 lives so far.  The witch!

So, let’s move on to happier and hopefully, funnier topics, shall we?

I’m not now, and never really have been much of a fan of Halloween, but I do appreciate a well decorated yard.  But I do believe there is a point where you can go over the top.  With this picture…nah…they’re good.

Papa Dragon Most Senior was a lineman for a LONG time.  I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for these very special guys.

This whole do-it-yourself craze is getting way out of hand!

This one is from our dear friend Stephanie

35 Hilariously Dangerous Work Safety Fails – Funny Gallery

To read this article click HERE 

 

This little boy was passing out water to a Police Officer in Baltimore in 2015 in the aftermath of riots.  I did a search for the picture and found a nice little article in the local paper’s website and here’s a clip from that article.

Bishop Cromartie, a senior pastor at Prophetic Deliverance Ministries who was also assisting in the clean-up, posted the image on Facebook, writing: “One of many pictures that I captured today in the midst of helping clean up the city and it speaks volumes.”

He told Bustle the picture was captured as “a way to show that Baltimore is not as bad and that the people who riot are just a handful, that clearly you have, statewide, people who actually care”.

Mr Cromartie said the boy was with his family and had tried on numerous occasions to get the attention of police.

“He actually was the only one handing out water. What was so intriguing was he was doing it on his own. It showed that he had a mind of his own that, despite everything that was going on, that he still wanted to make sure the police were okay and he may be realizing that someday he’s going to need the police.”

Mr Cromartie said the policeman did not accept the water.

The picture speaks volumes.  Nine years later, I wonder where this young man is now.

Different era, different attitude, different level of maturity, and Stevie Nicks wore a brass bra!  (I couldn’t think of an equivalent to “he had brass balls”.)

This is the 1,813-kilometer (1,126-mile)-long Haoji Railway Bridge in China. It is the longest railway bridge in the world, the bridge is used for the transportation of coal. 

The total cost was around 28 billion US dollars. It was built to transport 200 million tons of coal from Inner Mongolia and Shanxi to the southern provinces of China. It is a heavy rail system with 1435 gauge tracks The railway is also China’s first north-south railway that is dedicated to coal, and is built to avoid existing coal transportation routes that pass through coastal cities by boat.

 The line reduces transit time from 20 days by sea to just 3 days by rail. The line connects with existing railways at several points to share maintenance facilities. The design speed of the railway is 120 kilometers per hour. It is operated by China Railway. 

The line was approved in 2014 at a cost of 27 billion USD. It was financed by China Railway and several large national coal mining companies. The railway was inaugurated on September 28, 2019.

Yeah, I don’t have a clue.  Mary never did this…at least not around me.

And this is just silly.  Hard hat, hair net, eye protection, facial hair net…yeah…silly.  If you are worried about him getting his hair in something delicate, why does he need a hard hat?

And probably at a better interest rate.

To err is human, to forgive is divine,

to moo is bovine,

to bleat is ovine,

to oink is porcine,

to howl is lupine,

to bark is canine,

to purr is feline.

This list is asinine.

Okay, I’m going to warn you guys right up front!

This next one is absolutely disgusting.  I shouldn’t even include it.  I just can’t help myself.  So, my apologies ahead of time.  You have been warned.

And a second one…

Because if I had this set on MY bed, I would wake up 15 minutes early every single solitary day of the week just to make my bed so it looked PERFECT!!!!!!

The ant, the butterfly and their chemical warfare with an oregano plant | PBS News

Okay, that title ALONE should make you want to click and read that article!!!  So click here

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/ant-butterfly-chemical-warfare-oregano-plant#:~:text=After%20a%20Large%20Blue%20butterfly,their%20doom%20into%20the%20nest

Just sayin’, you are going to be in her place when she gets well, or her girl friends/sisters/mother/YOUR sisters/any random female and most real men hear what you just said.

Flat Earther who wanted to be ‘first woman on the moon’ explains why the globe is a ‘lie’

Okay, the Title is a “little” misleading, but it is an excellent article if for no other reason than there are still somewhat intelligent people who think that the earth is flat!!

https://www.unilad.com/community/features/flat-earther-theory-explained-shelley-lewis-886225-20240911

I couldn’t get to the whole article, so I gave you guys the main points.  99% of the population being FORCED to put up with the insanity of the 1%.  And it just so happens that this 1% accounts for a huge number of the sexual assaults.  Not sure of the exact number.  But the LGB…whatever stupid initials come next community account for 2% of the population and 40% of the pedophiles.  I do know that stat.  When are we going to STOP catering to this nonsense.  I’m not saying they can’t do what they want to do, but when it starts affecting me and my family, then THEY have to accomodate ME, not the other way around.

I did too!  LOL!

I definitely would not want any made from a bull.

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

-The client: is room 39 empty?

-The boss: yes, sir.

-The client: can I book it?

-The boss: of course you can.

-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.

The boss agreed though he was surprised at the weird things the client asked to have.

The client went into his room, he didn’t ask for food or anything else.

Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.

After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client’s room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.

The boss didn’t sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.

In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.

He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.

The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.

The boss was in a shock but he didn’t reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.

After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.

The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.

This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.

Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn’t leave his face.

The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn’t arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.

The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.

To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.

The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.

In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.

-”If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?”

-”I promise I will never let anyone know”.

-”Swear”

-”I swear I won’t reveal your secret”

So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn’t revealed his secret to anyone.

When he does, I will let you know… thank you for reading.

You rotten son-of-a-pontoon BOAT!!!!!

18-year-old files lawsuit over ownership of Shohei Ohtani’s historic 50-50 ball, seeks to prevent auction

This is a really interesting article.  I hope the kid wins his lawsuit.  Click here.

I’m not a saying I’m a bad cook but my doctor told me to start eating out.

I agree!

No kidding!

Massachusetts, Boston Law

It is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.

That explains SO much.

And remember when we DID!

No, we don’t use the justice system as a weapon.

He’s an absolute scumbag.

No kidding.  Why isn’t it already fixed.

I can’t unsee that now.  It won’t leave my head!!!

Okay, just so that I’m not showing any favoritism, when I get political memes I put them in a file and they go in there and line up alphabetically, and these were the top 20 memes in that file in order.  Next time I might take 20 (or so) in order out of the middle or at the end or whatever.  But once I start somewhere, I just go from that spot so it doesn’t look like I’m just picking ones that I like.  In this bunch it seems a little lopsided to me.  The ones that are picking on Trump I think are being a bit silly, like that he got beat so badly in the debate that he won’t want to again and the ones about Harris are concentrating on too many of the wrong things.  But, I guess if I want ones that line up with my convictions, I should write them myself.

+2 chainmail of relish defense

This next one is awesome.  We’ve seen it before.  From what I understand, the guys that did this got in a bit of trouble for doing this.

Sigh!  Yes, all men are so stupid…well, okay … some of us really are, but STILL!!!!

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. 

To her delight, we rode it twice. 

The next year we returned to Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. 

As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride’s speed. 

“Dad,” she said, “I don’t think I want to go.”

I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. 

She replied, “This year I can read better!” 

YES!!!

At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o’clock in the morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a piece of pie and was romancing the solitary waitress there. 

All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in. They observed the connection between the waitress and the trucker and started to make nasty and suggestive remarks trying to get the trucker to start something. But the trucker didn’t say anything, just paid his bill and walked out.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Looks like your boyfriend ain’t much of a man.” 

The waitress just leaned on the cash register and looked out the window and said, “Yeah, and he ain’t much of a trucker either. He just ran his truck over three motorcycles.” 

Marge’s car was unreliable and she called Tim for a ride every time it broke down. One day Tim got yet another one of those calls.

“What happened this time?” he asked. 

“My brakes went out,” Marge said. 

“Can you come to get me?” 

“Where are you?” Tim asked. 

“I’m in the drugstore,” Marge responded. 

“And where’s the car?” Tim asked. 

Marge replied, “It’s in here with me.” 

Massachusetts Law 

It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

But wait…in Boston, you needed a doctor…now that REALLY explains a lot.

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. 

Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work. 

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.”

Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; “Someone Else can work with that group.” 

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. 

Now Someone Else is gone! 

We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? 

Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? 

When you are asked to help this year, remember — we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore 

Okay, that’s it for today my dear friends.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Another header by our dear friend Aussie Pete!  Thanks Pete!

Today is Sunday and I’m trying to get a jump on the next episode.  I’m really getting a bit overwhelmed with stuff lately.  I spent the morning at church, then came home and went grocery shopping with Izzy.  Then prepared my Tuesday lesson.  Then prepared my Wednesday lesson.  Then did my FBI homework for today (I’m trying to do that one day at a time like I’m supposed to and neither get ahead nor fall behind) and now I’m trying to do a little work on here.  Oh, I also did some of my normal Sunday chores of taking out the trash.  I still have to set up my medicine for the week, but I’ll sit down at the sofa and do that later.

I’ve been really tired lately.  Having trouble staying awake through the day.  And to make it worse, I’m going to have to titrate off of the medicine that I have to help with that because the insurance company says they will no longer cover it.  The doctor’s office has disputed it twice and have been denied twice.  Since I am no longer diagnosed with sleep apnea, I no longer qualify for this medication.  Oh well, I’ll get over it, I guess.

There are plenty of illegal drugs out there that help with staying awake.

Okay, I’m kidding.  Take that look off your faces!

Now, on to the show!

45 Highly-Questionable Pregnancy Announcement Photoshoots

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car. 

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. 

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” 

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car, again. 

The next week they are having breakfast, again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. 

You must park ………..,” then the electric power goes out.

Norman’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.” 

Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

There was a Scot, American, and a Iraqui in a plane on fire and about to crash. There were no parachutes and the only exit was to jump from 49,000 feet high. 

As the Scottish  jumped he yelled, “God save me!” and landed safely in a haystack. 

When the American jumped he also yelled, “God save me!” and landed safely in another haystack. 

The Iraqi wasn’t good at his English and when he jumped he yelled, “God shave me!” and landed in a barber shop.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach.

A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. 

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.” 

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” 

The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. 

He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb.

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much. 

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. 

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. 

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared — the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before. 

“What’s the big idea? Eek!” 

One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and
squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was
ruined. 

This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: … you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.

Ah yes, I know it well!

“If you believe you can, you probably can.  If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t.  Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.”

– Denis Waitley (1933-)

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake.

He brought it out, and it was a savory cake.

It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top.

I said “That must have taken a lot of effort to make.”

And he said “No, it was a pizza cake.”

This is an old one, but I had it on very good authority, that it is quite accurate.  (Thank you love)

I’m sure at least some of this will seem familiar to you gals……and the guys waiting for us!

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms.  When I was a little girl, she’d take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

By this time, I’d have wet down my leg and we’d have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago.  Even now, in my more “mature years, “The Stance” is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one’s bladder is full.

When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Nelly’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.  You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors.  Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch.  It doesn’t matter.  The dispenser for the new fangled “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.  You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn’t – so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”

Ahhhh, relief.  More relief.

But then your thighs begin to shake.  You’d love to sit down but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance” as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.  In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”


Your thighs shake more.  You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse.  That would have to do.  You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.  It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work.  The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat.  You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it’s too late.  Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.  You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you’re certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.  At that point, you give up.  You’re soaked by the splashing water.  You’re exhausted.  You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men’s restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”….

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest???  you’ve got to be kidding!!).  It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.  It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It’s so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

“How long have you been driving without a tail light, mate?” demanded the policeman. 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the copper was moved to ease up on him a bit. “Oh, come now,” he said. “You don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.” 

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “What happened to my boat and trailer?” 

Yeah, we’ve been there already…

Man, I’m so old…

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.

“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”

“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the bartender.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.

“That’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: “What the heck do they want with a carpenter?”

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” you don’t understand. “I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”

“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.

“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said – ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”

Definitions

Divorce:  Future tense of marriage.


Lecture:  An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”


Conference:  The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise:  The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears:  The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…


Dictionary:  A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room:  A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic:  A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile:  A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office:  A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn:  The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Adultery – The wrong people doing the right thing.


Chivalry – A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.


Conscience – That which hurts when everything else feels so good.


Constipation – To have and to hold.


Husband – What is left after the nerve has been killed.


Minute Man – One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.


Morning – The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.


Nun – A woman who ain’t never had none, don’t want none, and ain’t going to get none.


Nursery – A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.


Sin – Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don’t.


Sissy – A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.


Spring Fever – When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.


Stork – The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.


Taxidermist – A man who mounts animals.


Tomcat – A ball bearing mouse trap.

I am?

This one is from Stephen B.

Church Marquee Sayings for Lent

Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.

It’s hard to stumble when you’re
down on your knees.

What part of “Thou Shalt Not”
don’t you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death.
Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride.
He will always want to drive.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith…but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides.
God adds and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don’t let the littleness in others
bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus.  If you don’t like Him,
the devil will always take you back.

Okay, how about the rest of the tombstones from Wouter…

And that is just a darn shame!  The stares all around part.

Now THAT is a cool old article!

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper: 

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. 

Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun”  kind of day. 

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.  He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.  If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. 

With time running out, the woman weighed her options.  Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice.  He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”  So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. 

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.   Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way.  Steep slopes are not forgiving…even during the most embarrassing moments. 

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. 

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.  The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. 

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.  At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol.  They transported her to a hospital. 

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.  “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.  “It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said.  “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! 

There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants.  I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift.” 

“So, how’d you break your arm?” 

And that’s it my friends.  May God Bless you all with love and happiness until we meet again.