Only two Christmas issues left after this one!  And I know the header above isn’t very Christmasy, but it is SO adorable, I just had to use it.  It is from none other than our dear friend from downunder, Aussie Pete!  Thanks Pete!  I deeply appreciate all your contributions.

For that matter, now is a good time to tell you that I appreciate EVERYONE’s contributions throughout the year!  This whole endeavor would not be possible without them.  This is usually just me and my opinion on things and your contributions and how I put them together.  That’s it.

And that’s one of the reasons this is so much fun for me, too.  Because I get to look at all the fun things that you guys send to me AND I have a place to rant and rave and edit out the stuff that I think is inappropriate for our gentle audience and boy oh boy, you should see some of the stuff that I edit out!!!!  

Nah!  I’m kidding.  You guys see about 93% of what is sent to me.

So, I finished up FBI for the semester last night.  Next semester, semester #1 won’t start until sometime in January.  I’ve already taken my final on Theology (94%) and the New Testament (98%) and all I have left is the Old Testament test and I have until December 30th to finish that on time.

Anyway, what do you say we jump right into the fun stuff?  I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do today, so I’ll not have much time to work on this today, but I at least want to get started, so let’s go and …

There is so much truth in that!  Why should I give you my best, when you’re letting Joe get away with phoning it in every day?  Especially since that’s why you keep giving me all the tough jobs because you know they’ll  get done and you don’t give Joe anything!

It may take you a second…

Just another service I provide.

Some puns and one-liners from Chris.  Some old, some new, but they’re all funny!

Nurse: What happened to your fingers? 
Me: You know those chefs on TV who can cut up vegetables really fast? 
Nurse: Yes. 
Me: I can’t do that.

For my age I have a lot going for me…my eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is going.

 Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which is a shame, because he had a great fall.

Sorry about my earlier joke about oil, it was a bit crude. I’ll make sure they’re more refined in the future.

Got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

Q: How did the farmer find his lost cow? 
A: He tractor down.

Lawyers have feelings too — allegedly.

 I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

My ex-wife still misses me…but her aim is getting better.

My job at the concrete factory gets harder and harder.

A very philosophical friend asked me, “What is Earth without art?” I just looked at him and said, “Eh?

I saw a book at the store today called “How to end 50% of your problems” I bought two copies

My co-worker says she buys a new pair of shoes whenever she’s down in the dumps…I said I always wondered where you got them.

I opened up a store selling uncaged birds. They just flew off the shelves.

So I went to a hardware store and I said: “Can I have a bag of nails please?” 
Assistant: “Yes sir – how long do you need them?” 
Me: “I want to keep them.”

This guy is really quite good!  Thanks Stephanie!

The only problem with that … they are talking about all that summer fun (which is probably fine for Aussie Pete) but I just checked, and it’s the warmest part of the day right now and it’s 24 degrees outside!!!

And then have them really wonder in a couple of days when you have to return the rental!

I don’t remember if I got this last year, the year before or how long ago it’s been, but I love it so much it’s become part of my regular rotation!  Thanks brother!

Pharmaceutical Industry, Medical Community, Politicians… we could go on and on!

103 year old Grandma?!  Not Great or even Great-Great Grandma?  That would mean that both mom and Grandma were about 51 years-old when they had each other!  Legitimately, it could be his great, great, great, great, grandma.

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, “Johnny, is there anything wrong”? 

The boy replied, “No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church”. 

The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

Johnny replied, “Yes teacher, Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us”.

The greatest Christmas speech of all time…

Luke 2

⁸ And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

⁹ And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

¹⁰ And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

¹¹ For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

Unto you is born this day … Unto you… who were the angels talking to?  The shepherds in the field.  The men at work.  Not just any men, the lowest of the low.  The smelly old shepherds, out in the fields, most of them probably laying with their sheep.  So they stank pretty good.  The angels came to these guys to announce the birth of the Savior of the world!  Not to the kings.  Not to the princes.  Not to the Pharisees or Sadducees who were the “religious” leaders of the time.  Not to the rich or the powerful.

No.

The angels came to the common man.  To one of us.

Have you ever wondered why, if God can do anything, He didn’t supply a room at the Inn for His Son?  Or a room at someone’s house, somewhere?  Jesus HAD to be born in a manger.  Do you honestly think that a smelly old shepherd would be welcome at a respectable Inn?  And what would they do with their sheep?

No, it all had to work out, just like it did.  Unto us.

Thank you God for allowing me to be one of us it was unto.

 

Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg gathering. 

Being an intelligent, efficient woman, it wasn’t long before she was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting. One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg productivity. 

The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the morning and one at night, without fail. The second hen laid at least one a day, sometimes two, and the third rarely laid a second egg. 

One morning, Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be infatuated with her. The hen followed Tina around the barnyard making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen didn’t lay. 

This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings. Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask, in a song, “What’s love got to do with it? What’s love but a second hen demotion?”

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

New Hampshire Law

You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. 

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” 

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “you’d be his wife!”

On vacation a nine-year-old boy and his father were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing 
skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves.  

The father noticed that his son kept staring at the girls and would occasionally glance back at him.  

He was bracing himself for questions his son might have when they got up to leave. 

His son watched the girls very closely as they left, then he turned to his father and said, 

“Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?”

And the worst one of the bunch, that I would have thought I’d have never seen.  I hope it’s a prank, but was afraid to search to find out because I didn’t want that crap on my history…

That’s got to be a joke, right?  RIGHT!?!?

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. 

This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease. 

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, “Attack or Retreat?” 

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, “Yes.” 

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, “Yes what?” 

The computer instantly replies, “Yes, sir!” 

Some Tips for the Clueless (learned the hard way) 

If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.

If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.

If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

It’s okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 

When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mailroom and look for a package. 

If you’re in the armed services and it’s April 1st and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t. 

If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Mac. 

New Jersey, Ocean City law

It is against the law to slurp your soup at a  restaurant.

And THAT’S a GREAT dad!

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday (Saturday).  I’m not sure if I was just overly tired because I got really lousy sleep the night before or whether depression just overtook me because of the holidays.  But today is Sunday, and I’m on my way to Church shortly.  I went to bed last night around 9 and woke up at 7 this morning, waking only once to use the bathroom, so ten hours of sleep.  My only complaint is a slight dizziness in walking and I think that is from a head cold I’m trying to get.

My point to all this is that we should give a bit of grace to the people we run into over the next two weeks…through the end of the year.  This is not a good time for many of us.  You guys know me.  I’m really quite comfortable by myself and even I am having a tough time this year, especially with loneliness.  Think of all the people who aren’t comfortable being alone.

I have a dear friend who is away from home for 4 months right now.  He gets to come home for two weeks over Christmas and then has to go back and finish up his schooling.  4 months!  And it’s almost killing him.  But he’s never been in the military or anything.  To us military guys 4 months is nothing.  We could do that standing on our heads.  But, I have to have sympathy for him because everyone is different and to someone who is not used to it, 4 months is a LONG time.

The people who work in retail are going crazy right now.  It’s the worst time of year for them.  Oh, not the owners of the stores!  They are loving it.  But, the workers.  If you’ve ever worked retail, you know what I mean.  Everyone’s on edge and it’s supposed to be the happiest time of year.  Give them some grace, too.

Why is it the happiest time of year? 

Because unto us …

God gave us the greatest Christmas gift anyone could ever imagine!  The best.

May you be Blessed with comfort and strength, joy and happiness until we can speak again my friends.  With love.

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire inside, delightful… that looks like a delightful fire, doesn’t it?  Can’t you see yourself lounging in the living room, basking in the warmth of the dragon fire?

As long as the fireplace didn’t come to life and eat everyone!

Yeah … there is always that…

I’m going to try to get a really fast episode done for Thursday.  I hope it works out.  Put it this way, whatever is done by the time it is done, that’s what’s going to be sent out.

So…without any further ado, let’s get to the stuff that you all came to see anyway, right!

No thanks…I’m moving!

People Are Sharing Stupid Things Men Did To “Prove” Their “Masculinity” And I Can’t Stop Rolling My Eyes

It cracks me up as the other vehicles flee in terror!

Too Funny!

And these are from Chris…

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject…now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

My wife is scared of thunderstorms. The constant rattling of the windows is pretty frightening, but if I let her in now, she’ll just get everything wet.

My new stair lift is driving me up the wall!

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?” to which he replies, “Yes, it’s these darn wicker chairs.”

A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, “Have you been served?”

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

The CEO of Ikea was appointed Prime Minister of Sweden. He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He said, he couldn’t see himself doing it.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I said, “Y not?”

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens. They are calling it — Apollo G.

Which two words have the most letters in them? Post office.

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing–except when at a funeral.

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells.

I want to take a moment to thank the couple of people that I know donated to my daughter’s friend’s go fund me page.  If you remember, I talked about her and her husband and four kids who lost everything except the clothes on their back when their home burned down on 05 December.  I put the Go Fund Me site down and said that it was a tough time of year for everyone right now, but I couldn’t imagine going through this time of year right now like that…having lost everything with four little ones at home.  Some of you stepped up (some of you big time) and I can’t possibly be a Christian man and not say thank you and God Bless you.  I’m no longer asking, but only if you’re interested here is the site:  https://gofund.me/3e33a2eb   You can go there and see for yourself.  Today is Tuesday and when I checked it, there was only $510 raised from 9 donations.  5 of those donations, over 70% came from Dragon Laffs.  My heart soars!  But her other friends…any one of them would be in the exact same position if this happened to them, so I guess I can’t say too much.  I’m sure they are gathering clothes and toys and stuff and Izzy says they are doing other things and not contributing to the site.  I sure hope so.  Anyway, back to it.  I just wanted to say how proud I am of you guys.  Thank you.

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. 

– Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer told the male manager of the division, “I’d like to get something off my chest.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Your eyes.” 

The base was quite far from “civilization” with the obvious result that the troops were forced to entertain themselves. 

One of the more popular pastimes was card playing. A large number of groups met regularly to indulge themselves. 

Bridge, poker, and gin rummy were played, but the most popular game by far was hearts. 

It happened that a few of the NCOs were not well liked by the troops.  One in particular was unanimously hated. 

As a result, he was never invited to any of the card sessions. When he complained to the Commanding Officer it was decided to put a stop to the whole business with the following command: 

Sgt. Pepper’s lonely. Hearts club banned

It’s always Bob!

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing, when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. 

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!” 

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?” 

“Come on, God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”

Oh my God, that’s so true.  Lord, thank you for keeping me in one, rather tattered, piece!

Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands. 

One said, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren’t mine!”

The second says, ” Well, your not alone cuz I’m sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet !” 

The third woman fainted ! 

All the time!

A little boy walked to and from school daily. 

On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was gray, but the little boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway. 

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The mother of the little boy was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. 

Following a roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword! 

Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. 

Upon finding her son, she noticed her little boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. 

More lightning followed and with each one the little boy would look at the streak of light and smile. 

The mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, “What are you doing?” 

The child answered, “I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture.” 

Joe sent this to me … and I have to say, that he probably got injured again when he got home to his wife.

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra. 

That’s correct.  While unfastening a woman’s stabilizing device, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries. 

Actually, I can vouch for that. 

I got injured today while trying to undo a woman’s bra. 

When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas. 

I truly love this next story!

And with that PERFECT one I’m going to end it here.  I have to head to the jail and it will be too late when I get home to work any longer.  Until Monday then my friends, may God Bless you all with love and joy of the real reason for the season.

I’m bringing a horrible request to you my friends.  This time of year is tough enough. (Personally, I HATE it, but I am trying to bear through for the love of my daughter, but that is NOT the point here and if I get going down THAT path, I will close this laptop and climb into bed until the third week of January!!!!!!  Maybe I’ll explain my hatred for you new people later on.)  Anyway, where was I….

Izzy Dragon just now got notified about a dear friend at work who had her house burn down and they lost EVERYTHING.  They are devastated.  Izzy is crushed because the two of us just went out and did the last of our Christmas shopping today and she bought all the girls at work frivolous gifts (her words) and pretty much spent herself broke because it’s her first Christmas working at a place she really likes with people she really likes and now “I could have spent that money on the Go Fund Me and made a difference in Kassie’s life instead of something so stupid!”  (again, her words).  She’s pretty broke up about it and now wants to go back and return everything but got most of it on a special sale that she can’t return things for.

So my point.  I’m just putting this out there.  You guys have been so generous in the past for good causes, here’s the link for the Go Fund Me page

https://gofund.me/3e33a2eb

I know that every little bit will help.  I don’t know what he does for a living, but she does what my daughter does, which means she works hard and doesn’t get paid much for it.  So, if you can throw them a couple of bucks, I’m sure it will be appreciated.  I was the third person to donate.  I KNOW it’s a tough time of year for EVERYONE.  Like I said, I’m just putting it out there.  If you could pass the link on, I’d appreciate that, also.

Okay, so on to the fun stuff.  Let’s see if we can’t get things moving in the right direction here.  If you feel like it, I’d appreciate hearing from any of you who contribute…you know …. just so I know.

Thanks my friends.  God Bless you all.

A little bit of seriousness next…

Most people have NO IDEA how unbelievably HARD this time of year is for a LOT of us.  PTSD is yet one more way…

Yeah, I had that duty one year.  I got in trouble for eating all the cookies.

Yeah….Calvin, I’ve been there brother.  I feel ya!

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

This next video is absolutely amazing!

What a cool story!  Here’s a really good website that tells the origins and the whole story if you’re interested.  It’s really a neat tradition.  Here

10 Unexplained Historical Mysteries That Still Give Chills

No Kidding!  I agree 100%!!!

What a GREAT analogy!!!!

Here’s an article from Stephanie that you guys might find interesting…I did.

Murdered Insurance CEO Had Deployed an AI to Automatically Deny Benefits for Sick People

Anger at the insurance industry is reached a boiling point.

One liners and puns from Chris…some old, some new, some funny, some … meh!

I just read a book entitled “How to survive falling down a staircase”. It’s a step by step guide published last fall.

Every morning I walk my cow through the vineyard. Yes, I herd it through the grapevine.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s humerus.

My husband called me from his job at the Velcro factory and said he was stuck at work.

I’ve been busy writing a pun about the wind. I can’t post it yet, it’s just a draft.

Head lice are now resistant to all the usual medical treatments, which has scientists scratching their heads.

People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.

I’m currently reading a book called: ‘There’s a hole in my bucket!’ by Lee King.

Husband: I think you’re right. 
Wife: I didn’t say anything yet.
Husband: I’m just trying to save time.

My email password has been hacked again. That’s the 3rd time I’ve had to rename the cat.

I saw a sign at a restaurant that said: “Shoes must be worn.” I was upset because my shoes were brand new.

I am writing a book about beer. I’m on my 4th draft.

Ever wonder about those people who spend all that money on those little bottles of Evian brand water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they’re funny on many levels.

A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.

This one is from Lynn and it is a cool story!  Thanks Lynn.

The 45 meters long Roman Road that was discovered during construction work for a new Mcdonald’s in Marino, Italy.

 Three skeletons were found on the sides of the road. McDonald’s incorporated a glass floor in the restaurant after excavations were complete. McDonald’s financed the restoration that was managed by Rome’s Superintendency for Archaeology, Fine Arts and Landscape.

There’s a lot more people out here who hate this time of year than you would think.

The very meek pastor wasn’t known for exciting sermons.  One Sunday his wife was not feeling
well and had to stay home.

As he was ready to leave their house and walk to the church, his wife asked what he was going to speak about.

He replied that he was going to talk about their recent vacation and going horseback riding.

As he was walking he paused and thought it would be just another less than exciting talk. It was time to shake things up, so he decided to talk about sex!

The next day as his wife was doing her weekly food shopping she met a few ladies from their church.  “Oh my, one lady said. Your husband gave quite a talk yesterday!  He sounded like a real expert and you must be proud of him”.

Mrs. Pastor replied: “I’m quite surprised. He only tried it twice and both times he was bounced off!”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The supervisor for the Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.

“Men — we’ve agreed on a new deal with the state. We’ll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!” 

“HOOORAY!!!” the crowd cheered. 

“We’ll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!” 

“HOORAY!!!” the crowd roared. 

“We don’t have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!”

“HOORAY!!!” the crowd thundered. 

“And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by traffic cones, we’ll only have to work on Wednesdays!!” 

Silence. 

A voice from the back of the room asks, “You mean, EVERY Wednesday?” 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 

– Anonymous

I was reading how a female spider will eat the male spider after mating.

I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.

A boy had reached the age of four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” 

Later that day, walking in the park, the mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. 

The four-year-old looked at her for a minute, then said, “Uh-oh . . I know what YOU’VE been doing!”

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” 

“No,” she replied. “I’m sorry, it isn’t.” 

“Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.” 

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House.” 

The man asked, “And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?” 

“The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00.” 

“That’s more like it!” the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.” 

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, “but according to union rules, Esther here has seniority.” 

All so very true!!!!

Confourn It!

I want to share something with you that really pissed me off.  Izzy told me about this and then shared the link with me and when I read it, I got madder and madder.  I’ll let you read the article and then I’ll talk about it.

Bullies sneak into ICU to snap photos of 12-year-old girl they drove to hang herself: lawsuit

So, have you already heard about this crap?  First, I want two three sets of people lined up: 
#1 I want the kids that were bullying this girl. 
#2 I want the teachers and administrators in the school that were allowing this to go on…and from the sounds of it, participating in it. 
#3 I want the parents of the bullies.

Izzy thinks the kids deserve the death penalty.  That they are unsaveable.  I told her that I thought that was a bit over the top, but she was bullied in school and has a real hard spot in her heart for bullies.  What is wrong with you???!!!  How can you possibly behave that way?  And how do you, as parents, not know that your kids are that rotten?  Maybe you don’t know exactly what they are doing all the time when they are at school and what not, but you HAVE to know what kind of scum-sucking dirt bags they are if they are THIS bad.  And you teachers who knew what was going on and not only did nothing but threw in?   Gave tacit approval?  You will NEVER … EVER teach again!!!!  You will be charged criminally with any and all crimes that I can come up with.  And corporal punishment for ALL OF YOU IS 100% in line because it’s obvious that NONE OF YOU got your butts beaten enough when you were kids to give you the discipline and respect that you need to be a functioning human being.

How could you do that to one of God’s children!  How could you do that and call YOURSELF one of God’s children!

Okay…..moving on…

And that’s all I have time for my friends.  I have to end it here. 

Just a quick word for those of you who haven’t been here that long.  The explanation for why I’m not crazy about the holidays… December 26, 2021 my dear wife, Mary went in the hospital.  Two days after my birthday and one day after Christmas.  She came home and went back in twice.  Each time we were told she would be fine.  I don’t remember whether she was home or in the hospital for New Year’s Eve and all that, but on January 8, 2022, I gave the nurse permission to shut off the IV that was keeping her alive because by then all of her family that wanted to be there was there.  It was really just keeping her heart beating, she wasn’t there any longer.  She died on the anniversary of my daughter taking her own life two years earlier.  

I really, really thought it would be easier by now.  I can’t help but associate the holiday season with the loss of my best friend, and partner.  I’m trying so hard not to show it for Izzy’s sake, she seems to have gotten past it so much better than I have.

So, that’s enough about that.  

May God bless you all with love and happiness until we meet again.

Welcome to the next Christmas issue!  I hope you liked the format for the last issue.  I did the math and there is no way, doing it the way that I did last issue that I will ever get through all the Christmas stuff that I have.  So, I’m going to put even MORE stuff in this issue and then MORE in the next and … but don’t worry, there will be the regular funny stuff in there as well.  Because I know that all us get sick and tired of Christmas after a while.

I mean, I love this time of year as much as the next chap, but …. come on!  At some point in time, “Bah! Humbug!” has to jump in there somewhere, am I right?

I know there are some of you out there who are saying no, but there are some of you out there who are already sick and tired of it.  I’m not really sure where I am right now.  I’m not a big fan of any holiday simply because I tired of being lonely.  But, that’s my problem.

So, let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?

That’s funny!  Why is it funny?  Isn’t it true that anyone who is a good Christian nowadays is considered a crazy religious fanatic and if you say that it’s wrong to have an abortion or same sex marriage than you are bigoted or anti LGB-whatever?  Exactly.  That’s what they are saying.  Charles Spurgeon’s quote is right on the money.  So, Impish, why is that funny to you?  Because, dear reader, Charles Spurgeon died on January 31, 1892.  Almost 133 years ago.  Evil doesn’t change my friends. 

This next clip is WAY COOL … at least I thought it was.

Wow!  Just … wow!

Okay, this one is from our dear Stephanie.  It is pretty good, make sure you turn on the sound.  Click HERE.

Okay, so it’s a little dated, but it’s still funny.

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. 

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests. 

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope. 

In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. 

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope! 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?” 

After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ” Pope Secola.” 

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left.

The owner says, “Fine, what kind of shop do you have?” The guy says, “A menswear shop.” The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. “Menswear,” says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants “Menswear” on his sign. The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same. “No problem,” says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: “Entrance.”

Late one Friday nightthe policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. 

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. 

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” 

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me???!!!”

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. 

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. 

This is wonderful!!!!

Two cars were waiting at a traffic light. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at at the man to move. The man doesn’t move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

Then I noticed the: “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper ticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . .
. . . . I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Only in the south… three wise men come from a far.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. 

– Dave Barry. (1947 – )

Really like Dave Barry.  I didn’t realize that he was that old.

Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with long beards were  playing  golf.

A guy named Mulvaney wanted to play golf and this  was the only  threesome  in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis, “How come you guys shoot such good golf?”

The head Rabbi says, “When you lead a religious life, and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded.”

Mulvaney, a true lover of golf, thinks: “What have I got to lose?”

He converts to Judaism, joins a synagogue near his home, attends services  regularly and leads a holy life.

About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis.

He shoots  a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71.

He says to them, “OK, I converted, I  joined a  Synagogue, I observe the Torah and I still shoot a 104. What’s the deal?”

“What synagogue did you join?” asks the head Rabbi.

“Beth Shalom” is Mulvaney’s reply.

The Rabbi retorted: “Schmuck, that one is for tennis!”

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tour guide while walking in the jungle, “Are we safe here? Aren’t there cannibals roaming these woods?”   

The guide says, “You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa.”   

The tourist says, “But it’s possible there may be some cannibals?”   

The guide says, “No, rest assured. We ate the last one on Monday.” 

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.  Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.

Connie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.  She waited and waited.  After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Lori coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Connie,” said Lori, “how’d you do?”

“Not very good,” came the reply.  “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

Lori said, “You should have been with me…did I ever find a good machine!  It’s way in the back.  Come!  I’ll show it to you…you can’t lose!  Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota.

The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don’t, I’m going to have to impound them as evidence.”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ’em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!.” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, What?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” The man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?” The man asked . . .

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. 

Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

“Have you seen my Titswiggle?”

Then the boy said,

“No, but can that be my reward?”

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, “What is wrong with you, Tom?”

“Please don’t ask.”

“I am your childhood friend. Talk to me.”

“My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant.”

“That’s not possible.”

“No, he did.”

“How’s that possible?” 

“He punctured my condoms!”

In the early 60’s an American reporter going around pre-war Vietnam was surprised to see a peasant riding a donkey while his wife, loaded down with bundles, trudged several yards behind. Shocked at this lack of chivalry, the American approached the Vietnamese and asked, “Aren’t you ashamed to ride this donkey while your poor wife walks behind carrying all those goods?” 

“Tradition!” said the Vietnamese, holding up an admonitory finger; “Tradition!” 

Came the Vietnam war, and the reporter was back again as a war correspondent of his New York newspaper. 

Walking along a village road one evening he came across the same peasant he had met a few years earlier. While the man was still riding his donkey, this time his wife walked several yards in front. 

“I thought tradition demanded that your wife should be walking behind you,” said the American. “Why the change?”

And the Vietnamese replied with a shrug, “Land mines!” 

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.” 

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.” 

“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!” 

Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, “I got a cookbook the other day, but I can’t do any of the recipes.”

“Why? Are they too difficult?” asked the second. 

“No,” the first replied. “It’s just that they all start with the same thing: ‘Take a clean dish…'” 

And that makes perfect sense.

It’s worth watching this next one to the end for the final fact!

So many won’t get that one.

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia’s most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course. 

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, “Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?” 

“Oh, yes, indeed,” said Auntie, beaming. “Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,” she added, as she held out her hands, “I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they’re all about.”

One day, two blonde men were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm. 

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” 

He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.” 

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. 

They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. 

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. 

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” 

Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.” 

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.” 

Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.” 

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh my God, we’re going to be millionaires!” 

That’s it my friends.  I have to dash.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Yes, I know, it’s just after Thanksgiving, but a couple of things here…first, there are only 7 episodes left, counting this one, before Christmas!  Second, I have a TON of Christmas cartoons, memes, and stuff to share and I’d like to share those, plus the new ones I’m sure to get from you guys between now and then without having entire ezines filled with JUST Christmas stuff, and C, this is a wonderful holiday season, why not stretch it out and enjoy it?

Although, my own Izzy Dragon committed sacrilege on Thanksgiving Day and set up our Christmas Tree!  Now, she didn’t decorate it, other than putting lights on it, but she put it UP ON THANKSGIVING!  I told her she was a HEATHEN!

I’m in the middle of studying for my New Testament final for FBI.  This one is going to be a bit harder than the Theology one was.  It’s going to be on the Epistles of John (1, 2, & 3 John) and Revelation.  So, not ALL of the New Testament.  I’m not sure if I explained this or not, but this is a 6 semester course, and I started in the 6th semester.  Each semester has a section on the Old Testament, the New Testament, and Theology.  So, next semester I’ll be in semester 1 and I will graduate in the Spring of 2027.  I’m not sure what I will get for graduating other than the satisfaction of a job well done and the ABUNDANCE of knowledge that I am gaining and the sheer enjoyment, but … well … that is more than enough.

Anyway, I think at this point, it’s time to move on to the fun stuff, don’t you?  So …

Look for it, you’ll see it.

25 Hilarious Relationships Memes Only Long Term Married Couples Would Understand

I guess we started something with the optical illusions …. here’s a couple more

Okay, this one is seriously messed up!!!!

50 Cursed Randoms to Freak You Out

Okay, I just got this texted to me and I have to ask, is there anyone out there who is actually clicking on these links?  I just click the “Report Junk” button and move on, but I feel sorry for the guy who has that phone number because you know it’s spoofed.  He’s probably getting a ton of calls.  People please, you HAVE to know that any of these unsolicited text messages like this one are pure nonsense.  Just delete them.

I think that is an awesome idea!

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father’s young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. 

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbour watched the scene with amusement. “Frank,” he finally commented, “you’re the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!” 

I found this next one extremely interesting…

Okay, some of these are REALLY WEIRD!!

What a GREAT idea!  I’ve got to go out and buy one of those little bitty spray cans of WD-40.  Pocket sized.

Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl, ‘Sir, there’s no smoking in here.’

Stumpy said, ‘I’m not smoking lady.’

‘But you have a cigar in your mouth,’ the woman said.

‘Lady, ‘ Stumpy answered, ‘I’ve got on Jockey shorts, too, but I’m not riding a horse.’ ” 

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ toilet doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. 

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled “Bronco,” and the other was designated “Cactus.”

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me; I need to use the toilet,” Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, “Which one should I use?” 

“Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked “Men.” “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.” 

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.”

“You aren’t the one I’m looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!”

This one is QUITE interesting!

“If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of  playing golf I swear I would drop dead,” she screamed. 

“There’s no point in trying to bribe me,” replied the husband.

Nebraska Laws 

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless  they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

This next article is from Ted.  It’s a little dated, but worth reading nonetheless, if for no other reason, so that we know.

Students Who Were Booted from Kamala Rally for Saying ‘Jesus Is Lord’ Set the Record Straight

Don’t we all know people like that?

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” 

-Joan Crawford ( ? – 1977)

Camping Tips

____________

* A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. 

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks. 

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a sling- shot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. 

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. 

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”

*It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. 

*Effective January 1, 2004, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to operate a Swiss Army Knife. 

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. 

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???” 

Goldblum shuddered. God went on. “I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!” Goldblum sighed with relief.

“Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?” Bauman hung his head in shame.

“Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.” Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. 

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, “You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. “Closed for the Holidays !!!” 

I went shopping the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic officer writing a parking ticket. 

So I went up to him and said ‘ Come on Pal, how about giving a guy a break?’ 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! 

So I called him a piece of horse dung. 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

I didn’t care.  My car was parked around the corner…….

Okay, so something told me to check on this reference, mostly, I think because I just took my New Testament test this morning.  I got a 98%!  I missed one question.  It was a question that I argued with myself over because of the way it was worded.  Very confusing and it was circular logic by my thinking.  I marked it false because of the circular thinking of it and they said it was true.  Oh well.  I’m am PERFECTLY HAPPY with a 98!  

Anyway, something told me to check on this reference and I was right.  The reference above is only the threat or the negative portion.  They should have really said, “Revelation 21: 6-8”.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean.

⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. ⁷ Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. ⁸ But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”

Verse 8 is the consignment to hell for those who, after the 7 year tribulation are still unbelievers and unrepentant.  Verse 6 speaks of eternal life and verse 7 are invited to the wedding.  Jesus is the Groom and the Church is the Bride.  And if we continue on from verse 8 we get a further description of the Bride of the Lamb.

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. 

They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. 

Noon comes, no dictator…10 minutes longer…no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

How many of you out there remember this guy?

And with that my friends, we are done for another episode.  Until we meet again, may you be blessed with love and happiness, comfort and warmth.