I am starting a five day weekend! 

Now, there are some restrictions…

I am going to my oldest grandwhelpling’s high school graduation on Tuesday and his open house on Monday.  So, it’s not like I have the whole five days to myself to rest and relax. 

But!

I don’t have to be at work!

And that alone is worth a LOT!

But for some reason, tonight (Thursday) I am so anxious and so on edge I can’t hardly stand it.  Maybe I need to eat.  It is after 6 pm.  But my blood sugar is good (141).  I made Lasagna Bob for the Memorial Day carry-in at work today and had a big hunk of that.  What is Lasagna Bob?  Click either of the two links and find out.  And yes, that’s me.  Today’s effort was a tiny bit underwhelming if I do say so myself.  I think because I had to assemble it last night and put it in the fridge over night and then carry it to work and then cook it at work today.  Lasagna is best assembled and cooked all in one sitting.  Since it was refrigerated, it had to overcome the cold before it started really cooking.  

Anyway, everyone thought it was great.

But still no explanation for why I’m feeling anxious.  So, let’s get to the laughter and we’ll try and figure the rest of it out.  I remember reading something, somewhere about a no reason anxious feeling before a heart-attack, so let’s hope THAT’S not going on!

Just another reason why there will be no cats in Impish’s cavern.

That is truly amazing to me.

I just freaked Izzy dragon out!  I told her, “If you have to call 911 for me.  Make sure you unlock and open the front door.  Lock both dogs up.  And do you know how to do CPR?”  She looked at me like I was nuts.

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o’clockthe next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. 

He didn’t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, “What the hell took ya so long? You’re over two hours late.” 

“Hey! Give me a break.” whined the Yuppie. “I have a 27 handicap.”

Okay, I gotta admit.  I stayed completely calm and I couldn’t find the mistake.  … … Never mind … … I just did.  I feel so stoopit!  The amount of time I looked at this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!

And speaking of stoopit, here’s a real Darwin Award Winner!

15 Impossibly Dated Lines from Looney Tunes Cartoons

The problem is … I understood every single one of them… 😦

I’ve lived here since 1989 (36 years) and have stopped through several times prior to that and I can honestly say in that entire time in the state of Indiana they have never NOT been working on I-65.

Of course.  Why wouldn’t you have been.

As we should do with all of our sinner friends.

A twofer from Joe:

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it 

-Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
_______________

---

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. 

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 


1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses. 

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses  can be included. 

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living-impaired.”

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead  horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed. 

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance. 

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance. 

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. 

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15.  As a last resort, sell it on eBay.

I must have this sign!

Oh, by the way, I made it through the night just fine, thank you.  Feel fine.  Got a GREAT night’s sleep.  Got up this morning, took my Old Testament test for FBI to close out the first semester.  Only got a 93.  Had hoped to do much better, but hey!  I’ll take an A!  Then went to the store and got jail candy and then the grocery store.

What’s jail candy?  I’m pretty sure I’ve explained this before, but I’ll tell you again.  Every Wednesday when we go to the jail, we give the guys candy at the end of the lesson.  I think personally, that it brings some of them to class, the opportunity to get a couple of pieces of candy that they can’t get otherwise, but if that exposes them to the Word of God, then so be it.

Speaking of the jail, did I tell you guys that we baptized 3 guys this past Wednesday?  Yeah, I did, in Thursday’s episode.  It was awesome.  And the lesson itself on Wednesday was so poignant to one of the guys that he actually was crying.  It was a Good night.

I really need to clean my garage.

Oh Heck Yeah!

And that happens, too!!!!

Chris sent this one on Getting Old…what a crappy reminder!

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Nope, not taking that ramp with a wheel chair.  Although the plant would probably slow you down before you hit the next level down.

The very famous Coconut Clip sent to us by our dear friend Wouter

And that is the end of Saturday’s issue.  I’m going to end this one and immediately start on the Dragon Laffs Memorial Day Episode.  See you on Monday.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again. 

Okay, so I finally made it back to the site on Monday night to read the comments and Sammye asked a GREAT question.  What happened to issues #2415 and 2417?  And my thoughts were what in the world are they talking about?  Then I went and looked and laughed myself silly.  I’m either getting really old or really tired.  I can’t count.  I’ll show you what I mean when I call up all the latest issues.

Yup, no 2415 and no 2417.  So, either I can’t count or … something.  But now I’m on #2419 and my OCD is kicking in…that I didn’t even know I had, and I want to go back and catch up the two missing numbers!  But then they won’t be in order!

Yeah, it’s a mess.  Thanks Sammye.  LOL!

A man went to a bookstore and asked to see a book titled, “How to Control Your Mother-in-Law.”

“Our fiction department is in the rear, right side of the aisle,” the salesman said with a smile.

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood pressure.  “The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,”

Joe said, “Well, did you quit,” asked Jack.

Joe replied, “Sure did. You think I’m a dummy or something? I haven’t had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!” 

You may have heard that we had a Mexican ship run into the Brooklyn Bridge.  Two people died and several were seriously injured, so of course, people created memes and I’ve had them sent to me, so I have to share them with you…

The perceived privilege of some people is overwhelming.

Here’s an oldie but goodie

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. 

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. 

The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. 

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. 

The next day, the local paper read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten pounds. 

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.00
This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. 

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was Buried the next day

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?

She missed.

I want one of these!  I NEED one of these!

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. 

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. 

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. 

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. 

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.” 

Little Johnny and his father ran a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. 

One day, Little Johnny hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill. 

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, “Little Johnny, you know I’ve always been careful with what little money we had. I didn’t spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn’t even afford a license to legally marry your Ma.” 

“Pa!” Little Johnny exclaims, “do you know what that makes me?” 

“Sure do,” said his father, fingering the fifty-dollar bill, “and a damn cheap one too!”

A young recently commissioned Ensign approached the crusty old Master Chief Petty Officer and he asked him about the origin of commissioned officer insignias. 

“Well Ensign,” explained the Master Chief, “the insignias of rank in the United States Navy are steeped in Naval history and Naval tradition. When you were commissioned as an Ensign, the Navy gave you a gold bar representing that you are valuable, but also malleable. When you make Lieutenant, your value doubles and you will get two bars. As a Navy Captain, you soar above the military masses as a leader, hence the Eagle. As an Admiral, you are obviously a star. The bigger the responsibility, the more stars you wear, up to four. Does that answer your question?”

The quizzical Ensign replied “Yes, Master Chief… But, what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?”

The Master Chief answered, “Oh that… Well, you see, Sir, that goes all the way back to the time of the Garden of Eden and Adam… You know, where we learned to cover our pricks with leaves.”

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Can you see some of it coming to pass in front of you right now?

I think I’ve just read the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen…ever.  Now, this goes back to October of 2018, and I honestly thought it was an Urban Legend, but our dear friend of the show, Stephanie, sent me a link top the following article

Cow’s Milk A Symbol Of White Supremacy, PETA Claims

The People for Eating Tasty Animals…or something like that, actually made that claim.  Sounds like something that Babylon Bee would put out, but nope.  They were serious.  Since it’s seven years old, I’m going to give you the whole article here.

SAN FRANCISCO – Cow’s milk is allegedly a symbol used by white supremacists, according to PETA.

In a recent statement, the animal advocate organization explains that dairy milk has been the drink of choice for supremacists because “the dairy industry inflicts extreme violence on other living beings.”  How’s that again?

According to PETA, “some people might be surprised to learn that cows used by the dairy industry are slaughtered after about five years because their bodies are so spent from being kept constantly pregnant.”

The group tweeted a message last week that said: “Cows’ milk has long been a symbol used by white supremacists.” The tweet also included the phrase “One more reason to #DitchDairy.”

The group links this concept to white supremacy by saying cows are controlled by humans, similar to the mindset of a white supremacist.  You’ve really got to be kidding me!  I think I’ve actually lost brain cells just reading that sentence.

“Aside from ‘lactose-tolerant’ white supremacists, cow’s milk really is the perfect drink of choice for all (even unwitting) supremacists,” a statement from PETA says.  The implication being that you have to be lactose-tolerant to be a white supremacist or that by being a white supremacist you automatically become lactose-tolerant?  I’m not really sure how that works, but we need to notify the medical community because we could be on to something here.

The statement points to scenes in the movies “Inglorious Bastards” and “Get Out.”

“As when Christoph Waltz’s character in Inglorious Bastards drinks a glass of milk and a character in a pivotal scene of Get Out sips the cow secretion, dairy milk has long been embraced as a symbol of white supremacy,” PETA’s news release said.  Oh!  Well, there’s all the proof you need right there!  Well, then never mind.

A room for two knights for two nights.

I asked my wife to help me find a match for my sock.  

She answered, “What for? Are you going to set it on fire??

A recent survey found that 85% of the guys who die while having sex are cheating on their spouse.

It’s not the sex that’s killing them.

It’s worrying about getting caught, they’re scared to death !

And that’s it my friends.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Okay, so this one may be very short.  I’m working tomorrow, and Sunday, there definitely will NOT be a Monday episode this week, and I am worn-the-heck-out!  What a week it’s been!

There is so much complaining I could do, but that is NOT what this is for.

There is also so much bragging and praising I could do, ’cause it’s been a good week in a lot of ways, too!  We are going to be doing some baptisms at the jail this week!

But for you guys, let’s get to the stuff you want to see…. so…

Do you have relatives that do nothing but complain and criticize? Don’t let them get to you. God gave you two ears so things could go in one ear and out the other. Use them.

So very true.  For those of you who don’t understand this … you are blessed.

Think about ALL the things you did in your life…ALL the sins that you have committed.  The big and the small.  Every single one of them will keep you out of heaven and each of them condemn you to hell.  The grace of God and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ forgave ALL of that.  From the tiny to the huge.  Can’t you see your way clear to forgive someone else for anything?  That doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see justice, but you still need to forgive them.  And yes, I know how hard that can be.

That used to be my airport of choice when I lived in NJ

 

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the only perfect marriage.

That was because he didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked!” 

That’s the first rule to being an adult!

It speaks against their sin.

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge.  The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement.

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the Judge.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the Judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out.  

They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.  

So I went to the registration office and got in another line.  

The lady there gave me some forms to fill out.I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card.”

“And?” prodded the Judge.

“And then the guy behind that counter said, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ 

So I stabbed him.”

This is perfectly logical to me.

Yes there are!

Not at all, Impish.  You go right ahead.

Hang on!  Hang on!  If we’re making a list of stuff we’re asking you to forget, then get out your pens and notebooks.

I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. 

“Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. 

“It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.”

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. 

A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!” 

That would be EXACTLY what I would say.

Them: Thank you for your service.
Impish: Thank you for being worthy of being served.
Them: Um…. but…. [walks away with a whole new outlook on things]

This kid has a huge future in marketing.

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

– Robert Frost (1974-1963

That’s it, gotta fly, big storm rolling in. God bless you and keep you until next time.

Well … the trike is STILL not fixed.  I need another brake line and a T-splitter and apparently the patience of Job!  There’s a place in Delphi, Indiana (yes, THAT Delphi, Indiana) that will make what I need whilst I wait, that I will travel to on Monday … will have traveled to this past Monday for you, and we will try again NEXT #$!*&!# Saturday.

The body on the left is my son, the body on the top is my son’s friend, and the body on the bottom is my son’s, friend’s niece.  All of which are trying to fix the exact same bolt. 

Then we got a GREAT comment from our dear Leah D. about this picture.

And it creates the most wonderful of conundrums … In regards to your mosquito spider killer: My granddaughter, Julia, is living with us for awhile. She vacuumed, but she didn’t get this spider web in a corner of the stairs. When I mentioned it to her, she said she left it there on purpose because that spider kills other spiders. I’m still trying to decide on that one.

“It’s a spider, KILL IT!”

“But it kills other spiders.”

“But it’s a spider, KILL … oh dear … wait … KILL … NO …”

Absolutely perfect.

Thanks to Leah for sharing that one.  Now, let’s move on to the other stuff.

I loved that magazine when I was growing up!

So true.

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article. 

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me. 

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment. 

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? 

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions? 

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now? 

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really? 

Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there. 

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

If you haven’t tried blindfold darts before, you should. You don’t know what you’re missing.

My secret is that I’m addicted to seaweed. I’m seeking kelp.

I’m not one to judge, but if you don’t clean your mirrors, they reflect badly on you.

 Ordered some stuff online the other day and I used my donor card instead of my debit card…cost me an arm and a leg.

Lif is too short.

A friend of mine keeps a ruler on his pillow to see how long he sleeps for.

An accountant friend of mine has borrowed six manuals now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

 For Sale: Midwife manuals. (Can deliver)

I use to just crastinate, but I go so good I went pro.

The bartender asked who brought me to the bar. I told him it was my mother-in-law – she’s the one that drives me to drink.

 I went to buy six cans of sprite the other day and realized I’d picked 7Up.

They told me, “Follow your dreams” …so I went back to bed.

I quit my job as a treadmill tester…just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

 (My neighbor out walking dogs) Me: I didn’t know you had dogs. 
Neighbor: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters. 
Me: Well your sisters are adorable.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

Man, I’m old.  I got that one straight out.

A Blonde at the Cinema

 I went to see a movie the other night.

 I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. 

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” 

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” 

“No!” she said in a loud whisper ……… “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

25 AI Fails That Were More “Dumbass” Than “Future Human Overlord”

If only more people would learn this.

Yes, I’m well aware how unpopular this opinion can be.  How we’re just supposed to deport the violent criminals, drug dealers, murders, and so on.  But, by my way of thinking, if you are in our country illegally, and you are not paying taxes or you are drawing social security without having paid into it or you are seeking medical care in our hospitals with no intention of paying for it … it’s bad enough we (hard working, tax paying Americans) have to pay for the legal American scum that are sucking on the taxpayers with no intention of getting  a job and paying their own way.  (And NO, I’m not talking about those who can’t work, we are supposed to take care of them.  It’s a blessing to take care of them.)  If you’re here illegally and doing this then you need to leave.  Even if you’re not a drug dealer, rapist, murderer, or otherwise a criminal.  Because, why in the world should I have to pay for you?  If you don’t think I’m paying for you, you are sadly mistaken.  If you aren’t paying taxes and I am and you are driving on the same roads, your kids are going to the same schools, etc. … then I’m paying for you.  And maybe it only costs me an extra penny for that family that lives quietly on the corner, so what is it hurting?  Everyone can chip in one penny, right?  Until you multiply it by how many millions of illegals?  Even if it was just 1 million, multiplied by one penny, now it’s costing me $10,000.  That’s more than I can afford.   Yes, it’s a hard stance to take.  Yes, our country was founded by immigrants.  But once we ripped it out of the Native American’s hands and established our own country, there are rules that need to be followed.  That’s all I’m saying.

50 Extremely Common Things That Literally Every Person On Earth Has Been Calling The Wrong Name Their Entire Life

I’ll give you the answer down below if you don’t get it.  It’s pretty easy if you are of a certain age.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this episode.  May Our God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Look into my crystal ball…and see…

Mail! 

Something I’ve been very remise about for a long time.  Let’s read some comments that I’ve gotten on the website.

Let’s go back 14 episodes to #2400.  I got lots of congrats for hitting such a milestone and I appreciate every one of them.  This one is from our buddy Wouter in South Africa.

Good Morning Bob.

Thank you very, very much for the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon.

I really appreciate it. So sad and beautiful at the same time.

Baie dankie

Groete from South Africa

Wouter

Then from my favorite nursie…

I so look forward to the laughs….then you post the “biscuit ” photo….now I’m sad…her back flab is bigger than my boobs…sad…

This one from Paul C. touched me a great deal.

2400 is another GREAT milestone.

I have been enjoying the posts for many years now, I have also seen TOO MANY friends and family ‘move on’ over those years. This Ezine has always been a source of enjoyment and distraction – Thank you

P.S. I am Canadian, so ALL political references are stupid/funny/irrelevant. Also thanx for helping me to remember Calvin and The Far Side.

See you all at 3000 and then 4000

The older we get, the more friends we have that pass on.  We hope and pray that they have found Jesus during their short lives and that they have secured their afterlife in Heaven.  We are all destined to be born at least once and die at least once, then we have the choice of either being born again or dying again.

I’m so very pleased when someone tells me that my efforts bring them joy.  I usually have two goals when I do one of these: to make people smile and to make them think.  I haven’t tried to make people think as much as smile lately, but I’m sure it’s bound to come back around.

And we’ll finish off this batch with the latest one I got from Wayne G. mostly because the topic is one that is near and dear to my heart.  Wayne says: 

I really like the last one about whether they use human shields or are human shields.

‘Tis true Wayne.  The mark of the guys who wear the white hats.  They have the women, children, weak, infirm, BEHIND them!  The slime ball cowards, build their shelters under hospitals, in the apartment complexes of civilians, they put the innocents between them and the people they are fighting.  They TARGET those same innocents and rape the women and children while filming it for those innocent’s families to hurt.  Vengeance belongs to the Lord and I KNOW He is a Just God, but the outrage I feel is still there.  I ask Him to take that from me.

Now that we’ve done mail, let’s jump into the fun stuff…

 My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits … and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.” She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”

A man walks into a library and asks for a book about coincidences. The librarian says, “you’re in luck, this one has just arrived”.

Me: I taught my dog to play chess. 
Friend: He must be very smart? 
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

I got a book at the second hand store titled “A Guide to Surgical Procedures”. I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

Does anyone know the price of sandpaper? Roughly?

It’s been a bit of a strange day; first, I found a hat full of money, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four? They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

Vacations might be expensive, but you can’t put a price tag on arguing with your family in a different city.

A new version of Microsoft Office leaked online. Microsoft had to cancel their plans after the Word got out.

 Trying to think of a tree pun but I’m stumped. However, I have been working on a pun about the wind. I can’t post it yet, it’s just a draft.

I bought a frozen pizza from the store and it says on the box, “Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes.”…now, I’m no genius, but isn’t that 21 minutes?

I’ve put my scale in the corner of the bathroom and that’s where the little liar can stay until she apologizes.

Was surprised to open the front door and find a piano tuner. I told him I hadn’t called him. He told me my neighbors had.

Just got my electric bill. When you come over, please use the flashlight on your phone.

My bank called me regarding suspicious activity on my account. They didn’t believe I bought a gym membership.

 A fella once asked me what a hoedown was, and I told him it’s like a shindig, but more like a hootnanny. I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. 

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. 

After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. 

“Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?” 

“Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor, “That would be defeeting the porpoise.”

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “God sent you, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues. “Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?”

“Yes,Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

I seem to be spending more and more time on number four.  It’s getting a bit scary.  

A single conversation across the table with a wise man is worth a month’s study of books.

Chinese Proverb

My friend’s son has a new nickname for his dad, ‘Baldy.’

His dad has a new word for him… ‘heredity.’

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? 

She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

And with that silly one, we’ll end it there!

May you all be blessed with love and happiness until next time!