I have two choices, because we have a big exercise again this week and I will be working long, 12 to 14 hour shifts possibly starting as early as Wednesday and going through Sunday. So the issue that I’m working on right now is Thursday’s. So here are the two choices:
#1. Make this an extra special issue to try to get you guys all the way through to next Thursday.
#2. Make this an okay, so-so issue and finish it up quickly so I have time to knock another one out and have it scheduled for Saturday, so you only end up missing out on Monday.
Yeah, I agree. Option #2. Ration the good stuff out so we all get a laugh through out. Heck, maybe if I ration well enough, I can squeeze out a third one….doubtful, but let’s see.
I’m telling ya’ Pete! You’re throwing the Bob stuff in there on purpose!
See! See what I mean!
Be honest, you thought about it. I know you did!
Boy, ain’t that the truth. And the younger ones, the can have an entire conversation without using any letters at all.
What’s the name of the bar where mechanics hang out?
.
.
. The Universal Joint.
“Four years ago, my cousin ran for a Member of Congress.”
“What’s he doing now?”
“Nothing. He got elected.”
I thought my Izzy Dragon would LOVE this idea…she said not to EVER put bacon (which she also LOVES) on her Mac & Cheese! I guess she’s a purest at heart.
What kind of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
FLOODLIGHTS!!
So good!
This is THE most adorable thing I think I’ve read in a long, long time. I’ll be honest, this big old dragon teared up by the time he got to the end.
Why God made moms
(Answers given by 2nd grade school children)
Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that. 2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
So very, very true!
A wife asks her husband, an engineer, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
And this makes absolutely perfect sense to me. But I also know exactly what the wife meant. Because I have had a wife and I work with engineers.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. –
anon…
Okay, that one went pretty quick, so that leaves me a little time for this…
I am absolutely disgusted by Seattle’s demonic mayor who blamed the Christians for the violent rioters who attacked them. Calling them far right extremists and lying and saying that they chose that location on purpose just to cause trouble.
Well, Mr. so-called mayor, they wanted to go somewhere else and your people told them no and sent them to that location, the most hostile, alphabet filled location in your cesspool of a city. They had water balloons full of urine thrown at them. And of the 22 or 23 people arrested, not a single one of them was one of the Christians. They were all your precious alphabet or antifa people.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Now the FBI is investigating, as well it should. I hope you get thrown in jail.
One of my favorite of all time headers…dragons and books. Thank you my brother.
A thing on TV is catching my attention right now. We all know that lying is a sin. 9th commandment, right? Would you lie to save your own life? Would you lie to save the life of a loved one? Would you lie to save the life of a stranger or even a friend? Think about the Germans who hid the Jews in Nazi Germany. If they were questioned and they lied, were they sinning?
It is kind of circumstantial, isn’t it? Let’s talk about …
Would I lie to save my own life?
A guy is holding a gun on me and is mad because I did something that upset him. I may try to lie my way out of it to not get shot with the understanding that he is WAY over reacting to me taking the last piece of pie that he wanted, or I cut him off in traffic, or I kissed his girl … i.e. “I took this pie so I could bring it over to you.” or “I’m on my way to the hospital because it’s an emergency, I would have NEVER cut you off otherwise.” or “I had no idea at ALL she was your girl, but I should have known better, of course she would go for someone so much more handsome than I am, and if you would just gimme three step, you won’t ever see me no more.”
I’m in front of a judge in a court of law. Nope, probably not ever.
You will take the mark of the beast or you will die… then kill me now.
Would I lie to save the life of someone else?
The whole Nazi thing? Or anything similar? I’d definitely lie. No question
Anything that has to do with some moron holding a gun as in above, yeah, I’d probably lie there, too.
The trouble comes when it comes to me lying in court to save like my daughter’s life over something she did. Like if I could supply her an alibi or something…that would be SO HARD. But, I don’t think I could. I would trade my life for hers, I’d go to the gallows FOR her, but I couldn’t lie to get her out of it. I couldn’t.
And I would do everything I could to keep her from taking that mark.
Okay, so I lasted longer on the topic than they did on TV and I don’t know why I went where I did, but let’s move on to something else. In fact, let’s move on to the laughter and then move on to a nice comment from Leah D.
I love this meme.
And did you know that the only one who is supposed to get your SSN is the IRS. No one else. NO ONE!
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old, Kyle said, “You can’t sit in Daddy’s seat”
“Daddy’s not home,” the babysitter replied. “Since I’m responsible for you while he’s gone, I can sit here. Today I’m the boss”
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, “If you’re the boss, you sit over there.” He pointed to his mother’s chair.
Again?!?! It doesn’t HAVE to be Bob!
This is pure craziness. I agree with the person who posted this, I too am left with more questions than answers…click HERE to watch what I watched.
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, “I just set my hair.”
The last thing I remember saying was, “Oh, really? And what time does it go off?”
Exactly! You know, like saying how marriage is not just between and man and a woman or how this stuff doesn’t apply anymore. The whole Progressive Christian Church thing.
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, “Excuse me, sir, what time is it?”
The old Jew doesn’t answer.
“Excuse me, sir,” the young Jew asks again, “what time is it?”
The old Jew still doesn’t answer.
“Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won’t you answer me?”
The old Jew says, “Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don’t know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home.
You’re handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you’ll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”
Believe it or not, I’ve played with guys and in places where that sign was absolutely a requirement.
Sarah, the new bride, went crying to her mother. “What’s troubling you?” asked her concerned mother.
“Momma, I can’t get Dave to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off.” Sarah explained.
“Honey,” her mother replied, “after being married to your father for twenty six years, I’ve found that there’s only one way to get him to do anything.”
“What way is that?” asked Sarah, “I want to know so that I can try it out on Dave.”
“Well,” said her mother, “the way to get him to do anything is to tell him he’s too old.”
Okay, if I’m not mistaken, back in the day, cough syrup used to be made up of alcohol, pot, chloroform, and morphine, which was skillfully combined with other ingredients. Oh no, that’s not scary…not at all.
Okay, so got a nice comment from Leah D. on the Memorial Day issue. Presented to you here:
Thank you for the request not to say “Happy Memorial Day.” That has always irritated me greatly.
My years growing up in an area of small towns, back when they hadn’t stuck Memorial Day on a Monday, to make a three day weekend, we always gathered at the cemetery, received our flags, placed them on the graves of all our servicemen. There was a gun salute, then from a high cliff, taps reached out to us. It was so moving.
I know Memorial Day is about those who lost their lives defending us. However, I have been acutely aware that ALL who served, though they may have survived, were just as ready as those who didn’t, to make that sacrifice.
I had uncles lost in WWII and Korea. My father made it home, but the tormenting loss of his brothers was too much to stand. By the time his second brother’s body was delivered, my father’s was buried too.
As a teen, I lost friends to the Viet Cong, and one friend lost his mind. I totally agree with you, in anger over how our Vets are treated, left to live a homeless existence on the streets. But one friend who had rich relatives, ready to help him, and they did try, could not rescue him from the nightmares.
Some come home from the wars alive, but missing parts of their bodies. We see the gap where a leg should be . . . but can’t their sanity.
Thank you for the nice comment. There are a lot of vets who come back with issues. Some of which are readily apparent by looking at them. We need to do a better job. A much better job.
Look at that! Three on a theme! Thanks Pete!
That last one was sent to me by buddy Wheats! Thanks Wheats!
Look what Izzy bought me!!!!! I came home from a graduation party for a friends daughter and she told me that she bought something for me with a big grin on her face. I thought it would be something silly and it was this cool gift! I thumbed through it and read a few pages and it is actually really cool and quite biblically accurate. I’m going to have a great time reading through this! Maybe I’ll send you guys some pages as I go through it.
Mississinewa Lake from last weekend when I was out on my buddy’s boat. Quite relaxing for a little while. Would have been better if it was a sailboat instead of a pontoon.
Horrific damage from the last storm at our shop on base.
I actually hope it’s the willfully blind, because if they are that congenitally stupid than they are also rabidly dangerous.
A man flies into a new city on business.
When he got to the hotel he found that he has come down with laryngitis. He decided to call a doctor before he completely lost his voice. He looks up a doctor’s phone number and calls him.
A woman picks up the phone.
The man, not being able to talk loud, whispers, “Is the doctor in?”
The woman whispers back, “He just left. It’s safe to come over now.”
Took this picture while I was at the lake.
Tornado takes out tornado siren. That’s just evil Mr. Tornado!
I don’t want any of you to pass this next one by. This is SO PERFECT. What an awesome simile … or is it an analogy? Whatever. This is the perfect representation of our life on earth and having a loving God who wants us to get to Heaven. No one better skip this one. It’s like one minute long.
WAS THAT NOT AWESOME??????
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I’ll give you the $2.”
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”
Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business…”
Okay, the one about inside the old man….yeah, that one…absolute truth! Time goes by so fast. Before you know it, there’s an old man looking back at you in the mirror and you can’t but help think to yourself, “What in the world happened?”
But what happened here is that we are now done with this issue and saying good night. Until next time.
Trying to get a bit ahead. Today is Sunday, and I’m now working on next Saturday’s issue. I have a lot going on over the next two days with my grandson’s graduation from high school. Might be exciting…we’ll have to see. I won’t say why because it’s not my story to tell. I just hope my grandson decided to do the right thing.
So, not having much else to talk about, let’s just go ahead and get into the fun stuff. If I think of anything else to talk about throughout, I will.
No kidding!
Energy Secretary Chris Wright just revealed that Joe Biden drained the Strategic Petroleum Reserves so rapidly—to drop prices before the election—that it damaged half the facilities.
They’re now in the process of repairing them with taxpayer funds.
“We are refilling the reserve now, and we will continue to refill the reserve the whole time I’m in office.”
“You know, that was just such an irresponsible action to drain that reserve so quickly for electoral reasons.”
“And in fact, it was drained so fast it did some damage to the facilities.”
“Right now, we only can fill two of the four major salt caverns we have. So we’re doing repair work on the other two”
“We’re slowly filling the other two, and I’m trying to get some funds through Congress. That’ll give us a longer term runway to fill the Strategic Petroleum Reserve at the fastest rate we can.”
Sec Rubio cancelled another 139 wasteful grants worth $215 million including:
$5.2 million to “Media Diversity” for programs like “Get the Trolls Out!” – “an anti-disinformation program” in the United Kingdom
$2.5 million for “advancing critical civic engagement” in Uzbekistan
$2 million for “Expanded Newsroom Sustainability and Engagement” in Moldova
$1 million for “channeling gig workers’ rights” in Brazil
$2.4 million for “Responding to Disinformation Through Creative Content in Belarus”
$1.7 million for “Independent Media for Peace and Democracy” in Europe
$1.5 million for a “Women-led Gendered Approach to Justice and Accountability”
$1.7 million “BeMediaWise” in Bulgaria
$900k for a “Place for Women to Join to Organize” in Mauritania
$750k for “Building the Migrant Domestic Worker-Led Movement” in Lebanon
$740k for a feminist “Free Expression Initiative” in Tunisia
Just further proof that the left has ZERO regard for hard-working Americans tax dollars!
None of this stuff surprises me anymore.
The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”
Well, that’s definitely not Luke 6:37 although, I suppose the sentiment is kind of close. Luke 6:37, Jesus speaking, “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. So the meme could be saying that the writer of the meme will not judge, since he walks imperfectly. But it’s in quotes like he’s quoting someone and then put a bible reference like the reference is what he’s quoting. That is definitely NOT a quote from Jesus since He did walk perfectly. He was Himself sinless.
After doing a search online, the line is associated with that scripture all over the web. It’s not surprising to me that other people disagree with me. But, like I said, the sentiment is certainly there.
This one’s from our dear South African friend Wouter
Well, this classic sign is from Hell, Michigan and it definitely freezes over each year. I’m pretty sure if you look hard enough, you can find the sign from the one in Norway frozen over somewhere on the internet.
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?” he answered, “I’d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish.”
Then with a sigh he added, “But I’ll take an oat-bran muffin.”
Thanks to John M for sharing this one.
Why Did Jesus Fold the Napkin?
Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this….
The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed separate from the grave clothes. Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, ‘They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have put him!’ Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see.. The other disciple outran Peter and got there first. He stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn’t go in.
Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head was folded up and lying to the side. Was that important? Absolutely!
Is it really significant? Yes!
In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition.
When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it…
The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now, if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.
The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, ‘I’m done.’
But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because……….. The folded napkin meant, ‘I’m coming back!’ He is Coming Back!
This is the perfect example of almost every Marine I’ve ever met…sorry guys.
A new Marine Captain becomes the commander of a company of Marines. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things, he finds two Marines guarding a bench. The bench has the eagle, globe and anchor Marine Corp symbol on the middle of the backrest.
He asks his Gunny Sergeant why they’re guarding the bench and he says that the previous commander ordered it.
He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said that it’s because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a Lieutenant Colonel asking why he ordered it. He gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander.
The captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired General. He politely calls him up and he asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition.
The old retired General says, “I don’t recall… Oh, wait, is the paint still wet?”
Yup, every single Marine I’ve ever met, known, and loved.
We normally talk about this on Veterans Day, but it is appropriate here as well as everyone of us at one point in our career signs a blank check made out to the United States of America for anything up to and including our lives. Today, we celebrate those of us who have given that ultimate price. For our country. For someone else. This includes Police officers, Fire Fighters, Emergency Medical Responders, Department of Corrections Officers, Emergency Management Personnel who act as First Responders … everyonewho is a First Responder, those individuals who move towards the sound of gunfire and screams and shouts for help, instead of away from them.
Less than 1% of the population in the United States (as of 2023) is actively associated with the military. This includes civilians (like this dragon) who work for the military. [Believe it or not, some of us civilians are in jobs, like mine, that can be deployed down-range with the military guys. The only difference between me and them is that I can say no and quit my job. Those are my two choices. They don’t get two choices.] 1% of the population have agreed to put their lives between the evilness in the world and the other 99% of the population. It’s easily understood how some of them make the ultimate sacrifice.
Today, we remember them.
Why in the WORLD we don’t remember them every, single, solitary day of the year is well beyond the understanding of this poor, ignorant dragon, but …. then … I have no idea how we could POSSIBLY have homeless veterans living on the street. Or how they could have such a crappy pay scale and retirement plan. Or how anyone considers a GREAT deal for a veteran is a 5% discount. Or how crappy the VA is for care. Or why we aren’t treating every one of our veterans like GOLD! How many people do YOU know who are complete strangers who have willingly offered to lay down their LIFE for YOU????
Okay, have I been yelling?
Raising my voice?
Sorry. I get a tiny bit fired up over the whole thing.
So, okay, time to push that soap box back under the table.
John 15:13 is usually brought out on Memorial Day. It is appropriate, but it is actually discussing Christ giving up his life for us. It goes like this: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Verse 12, the verse right before this one says: This is My commandment: that ye love one another, as I have loved you. Notice here, speaking to his Disciples, that he is not saying to love your neighbor as you love yourself. No. He’s asking a HIGHER form of love from them. He’s telling them to love one another the way that He (Jesus) loved them. Can anyone love the way that Jesus loves? Probably not, but we can try. Then in the very next line he follows up with the ultimate expression of love is to give your life for your friends. Then in verse 14 he puts it all together when he says: Ye are My friends if ye do whatsoever I command you. I plan on giving my LIFE for you as the ultimate expression of MY love for YOU. At least that’s the implication.
On Memorial Day, we are celebrating that ultimate expression of love that so many have given to us, the 1% giving to the 99%. Please, take a moment today to pause, take a moment to say a prayer of thanks for that love, and a prayer to bless the family and friends of those who gave that gift to us, that we might have a nicer, more blessed day ourselves.
Now, let’s move on and …
A little “How-To” from Joe
Dear friend of the show, Leah D., sent this to me on April 13th (yes, I’m that far behind) (Hey! That’s only ten days of this writing, that’s not so bad!) (Oh…no…that’s a month and ten days ago…never mind) and she writes this:
Happy National Robert Day! Today is all about you, Robert, Rob, Robbie, Bob, or Bobby!
April 6
National Robert Day falls on April 6 and is celebrated worldwide to honor the Roberts. Robert, one of the most common names of the past millennia, is an ancient German name. The name has evolved from the term ‘Hrodebert,’ which translates to ‘fame’ and ‘bright.
Sorry I’m late, Bob.
Hey! Finally, a day to be recognized for who I am!
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds a person down or polishes a person up depends on what one is made of.
Josh Billings (1818-1885)
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”
He got the following reply. “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”
A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak…
There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.
Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and warm (adjusting it several times until it’s perfect), then rolls up his sleeves and douses his hands and forearms in the water stream for several seconds. He then pumps a whole bunch of squirts of soap from the soap dispenser into his hands and (while the water is still running, of course) proceeds to vigorously soap up and scrub his hands and forearms for several more seconds. When finished, he rinses his arms and hands for several more seconds, then shuts off the water. He then proceeds to pull 10-15 paper towels from the paper towel dispenser and wad them up. As he begins to dry off his hands and arms with the huge paper towel wad he says to the others, “You see, gentlemen, the Army teaches you to be thorough!”
Not having it, the clearly annoyed Sailor finishes up, zips up, and also goes over to the sink. He turns on the faucet for a split second; just enough to splash water over his hands and get them wet. He then puts one hand under the soap dispenser and pumps a tiny glob of soap onto his palm. He then aggressively rubs the soap all over both of his hands, scrubbing them clean. He then puts his hands back under the faucet and turns it on just enough to release a splash of water sufficient to remove the soap residue. He then shakes his hands over the sink to remove the excess water, and goes to the paper towel dispenser where he pulls out a small section of towel, precisely rips a one-inch wide strip from the bottom, and then folds it up into a neat square. As he starts to blot his hands dry with it he says to the others, “You see, gentlemen, the Navy teaches you to be efficient!!”
At this point the Marine rolls his eyes and finishes up, zips up, snaps his uniform into place, turns sharply, and strides by the Soldier and Sailor towards the exit of the restroom. As he passes them he says matter-of-factly, “You see, gentlemen, the Marines teach you how not to piss on your hands.”
Now, of course, I heard this “true story” as the last individual being an Air Force NCO and his quote to the other three branches was, after the Marine had said something equally as innocuous as the first two, “And in the Air Force, they teach us not to piss on our hands.” As I’m sure all the other branches can claim the same.
Puns and One Liners from Chris
Son: Great news, Dad! Dad: What’s the great news? Son: You don’t have to buy me any new books next year. I’m taking all of the same courses again.
John: “My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses.” Jack: “Wow, that is incredible!” John: “Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle.
“I get plenty of exercise at work: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says “Your password is incorrect”, I type in: “incorrect” and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.
In high school I did well on the SAT but not to good on the MON through FRI.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once…going twice.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s.
I am wonder woman…I wonder where my keys are, wonder where I left my purse and wonder where my money went!
A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse.
They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation:
Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father.
Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents!
Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you’re perfect?
Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.
This crap pisses me off. It’s not “women’s health”. It’s not a “fetus”. It’s a baby! A living human being. And abortion is murder, plain and simple. On the rare occasion that the mother’s life is in danger, than a horrible decision has to be made, choosing one life over another is never easy and not one that I’d want to make.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plasticgarbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once ina while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back andsee if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all thatmoney? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next tothe football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come andpeethrough a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It usedto really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, on game days, Istand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedgeclippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, Isurprise him, Grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or offit comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”
I told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. He asked me to show the class an advanced pose. That put me in a difficult position.
Which of King Arthur’s knights invented the Round Table for Camelot? Sir Cumfrence.
It’s funny how much ‘exercise’ and ‘extra fries’ sound alike
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
I haven’t talked to my wife in 7 years…I don’t want to interrupt her.
To the guy who invented zero…thanks for nothing.
My dog accidently at a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him the vet…no word yet.
Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition. Paramedics have stabilized her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.
I’ve reached an age where I can’t tell if I sustained an injury or that’s just how I am now.
I crashed my new Kia. Now I have Nokia.
The mountain climber had reached the peak of his career. He wrote a book to summit all up.
It’s true that exercise helps with decision making. I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.
A husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife’s photo, but not even a single one hits the target. From another room his wife asks, “What are you doing?” The husband replies, “Missing you”.
Exercising would be more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.
I just found a pen at work. It must have been mine anyway because when I tried it, it was my hand writing.
2008 Memorial Day Poster #1. Created by Virginia Reyes of the Air Force News Agency. US Air Force Courtesy photo
2008 Memorial Day Poster #3. Created by Virginia Reyes of the Air Force News Agency. US Air Force photo by Tech. Sgt. Cecilio M. Ricardo Jr.
What did Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
Get into the boat!
That’s it my friends. But before I go, I want to share something that I posted on Facebook.
Now, I don’t normally post on FB, but I had to express this somewhere and I felt led. I’m curious to hear what you guys have to say:
This may be an unpopular post.
Now, I know most of you civilians mean well.
And certainly, the retail stores don’t help.
But please, for most of us Veterans, we don’t want to hear:
Happy Memorial Day!
Let me explain.
Many of us know someone who died in uniform.
I know there are lots of civilians who know a cop, fireman, first responder who died on the job. Memorial Day is for remembering them, too.
In my 3 years of working as a dispatcher for the State Police I lost a few. A dear friend on my last day of work after going 10-42 for the last time.
It’s hard and it’s not a happy day.
And the retail stores with the Happy Memorial Day Sales! With the balloons and flashing lights! And why is it always a mattress sale, for crying-out-loud?
So, I’m just saying. Monday is not a day to go up to your military or veteran friend and thank them for their service or wish them a happy Memorial Day. More times than not, it’s not a happy day for us.
But thanks for thinking of us.
You have no idea how many times I get “Happy Memorial Day” from people, or “Thank you for your service”. And I’m polite. I’ve never corrected anyone. But Memorial Day is a tough day for me, and for many other people. There ain’t nothin’ happy about it. That’s all I’m saying.
So…
I hope you take a little time out to say a prayer for those whose lives were lost giving you the freedom to be able to take the time out to say a prayer. May our Heavenly Father Bless you and Keep you until we meet again. My love goes out to you all.
$5.2 million to “Media Diversity” for programs like “Get the Trolls Out!” – “an anti-disinformation program” in the United Kingdom
Dragon Laffs 