Good Morning Campers! And a very special good morning to our Dear Diaman, I know it’s very early in the morning…or very late at night, depending on your point of view… and I hope you are feeling better dear. I have a VERY SPECIAL TOUCH that will make you feel all better, all you must do is ask. I’d be happy to fly over, wrap my wings about you and … ahem … maybe another time.
Anyway, the reason for my extra. I wanted to give you a glimpse behind the scenes, as it were, to what really goes on around here, here now is a copy of a text session this afternoon between myself and Lethal Leprechaun. He first starts with an excuse:
Your evidence is obviously photoshopped & therefore inadmissible in court.
You have no witnesses, have obviously manufactured evidence, I have an alibi (I was with Mrs Dragon & Molly the entire time- you going to say they are WRONG?) and I’m a ‘respected’ (depending on exactly whom you ask) LAWYER.
NOW, who is the court of public opinion going to believe? Me, Mrs Dragon & Molly or a Dragon who has smacked into one too many mountains face first so as to have semi permanently scrambled his squash and lacks the situational awareness not to step in front of buses that much like mountains he seems unable to see in front of him?
Dude I KNOW you’re embarrassed about it but its past high time we talk about the elephant in the room, your eye sight is going and you’re in desperate need of glasses! I know you’re scared you’ll be labeled a Dork, but pal o mine better a live Dork Dragon then a Dead Mr. Mcgoo impersonating Dragon! Besides if we get you prescription Google Glasses you just MIGHT make it to Hipster/Geek Dragon status!
Well, let’s say that my response to him was less than complimentary. I don’t need glasses! Can you even see me with glasses on?
Lethal Leprechaun: LFMO @ Last Word!
Impish Dragon: I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Lethal Leprechaun: In my Defense though-seriously Dude how else am I going to slide all those hot young Nurses, Nurse’s Aides and Candy Strippers past Mrs Dragon unless its from all your buss accident care?
Impish Dragon: That’s an excellent excuse. and one I deeply appreciate.
Lethal Leprechaun: PLUS I DO sort of make up for it with my Getwellagrams and Morale boosters which I would have no reason to send you other wise (Note from Impish: You can use your own imagination as to what sort of emails go back and forth between Lethal and I)
Lethal Leprechaun: AND by mine doing it as opposed to MRs Dragon &/or your enemies it’s done with a great deal of Brofection,(Like affection, but between bros) precision and care so as not to cause permanent damage but make it LOOK like someone is doing their best to kill you so that your TRUE enemies don’t try it…successfully Impish Dragon: And I appreciate your … um… gentleness with the bus, but man, I’m getting sore. And about those enemies…I understand the Upright Man is … Lethal Leprechaun: Hush you dumb lummox, not on an open line!!
Anyway, you can understand a little better as to why things aren’t always as they appear… and those nurses…yum! Any of you out there in the health care professions, and of the female persuasion who are looking for a great business opportunity, send me an application with your specifics and you might end up the private nurse, physician or aide to a very famous dragon. Not to mention handsome, gentle, giving, handsome, generous, handsome…
Well, there’s no sense in wasting the space, so why don’t we throw a couple of funnies in too and call it a night…or day … or whenever you’re reading this.
Okay, so you’ve got to be a fan to really get this, but trust me, it’s funny!
Subtle, right? Yeah, I thought so too. If you are looking for an explanation of today’s header, then look no further than today’s Last Word.
Lots of funnies to go through today, lots of stuff to peruse and think about and quite a few videos… so do you all know what that means?
That’s right, if you’re reading this on email, you might as well click on this link: http://dragonlaffs.com
and start reading there, ‘cause you can’t view the videos on the email.
So go ahead and save yourself some time and hassle right now, click on: http://dragonlaffs.com
and get on with it.
So, if that’s not enough of a lead in for you…. then …
My wife said “Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!”
So I invited the boys over.
One brought his welder, the others brought beer.
Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed.
Wife is still speechless…
I am certain not for much longer, though…
This guy is really good. I suppose there is a certain amount of comedian in every juggler, but this guy is especially good at both. What makes it even better is Ronald and Nancy Regan laughing along with Tip O’Neil over this guys act in Ford Theater. BUT!!!!!! In order to see it, you MUST go to our website.http://dragonlaffs.com It comes in two parts, so let’s watch Part 1
And then we move on to part 2
And this one sent to me by my dad…thanks dad! Guess where you have to watch it at? Jonathan Winter and The Stick Shtick from the Jack Paar show in April 1964.
A medical alert bracelet is used to save a person’s life in case of serious problems. Since we’re both married and worked for the government at one time or another, Lethal and I wear one exactly like the one pictured. If you can’t figure out why, then there’s no need to explain it to you.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
Two Prostitutes – $50.00
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that moment, another car passed with a sign saying: “Jesus Saves.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer said. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter — $50
And we wonder why the cashier at McDonald’s needs a calculator to give back correct change from a fiver.
Yup, that’d be all the hint that I needed.
This one is great! Hot pursuit interrupted! Can you remember where you have to go to view this video? That’s right! http://dragonlaffs.com
You can just look at a kangaroo and know they are party animals. They just have this look, you know?
You know, I had the same problem with Lethal when he told me the exact same thing.
Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims
Are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing
Anyone who is white and born in the U.S.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.
A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.
This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?”
The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.”
Last week an Air Force office who headed the sexual assault prevention
office was arrested for allegedly groping a woman, now the Army said a
soldier coordinating a sexual assault prevention program is under
investigation for “abusive sexual contact.” Jeez. This is worse than
having a Congress full of adulterers and divorced men defending marriage.
One of those rare serious thoughts, The National Transportation
Safety Board is recommending that the benchmark for DUI be
lowered from 0.08 blood-alcohol content (BAC) to 0.05. If they
really want to make a difference, how about instead a
recommendation that restaurants/bars have breathalyzers
available to patrons?
Dick Cheney says that President Obama is involved in an ongoing
cover up over the Benghazi attack. When asked to describe the
President’s actions, the only word he could come up with was
“Amateur!”
The Justice Department has seized phone records from the Associated
Press, to which one reporter says he is mad the government doesn’t
take what they do seriously. To which the government responded
“Now you know how we feel.”
The FBI says it will investigate IRS “targeting” of conservative groups
. The FBI says spying and harassing any insurgent political groups is
their job.
Senator Rand Paul says that President Obama is “drunk on power.” As
opposed to Congress, which is carrying out business like they
are just drunk.
U.S. airlines collected a record total of $6 Billion in extra fees last year
which has returned them to profitability. Which explains why the
airlines treat luggage better than passengers. The baggage brings
in money, doesn’t get drunk on flights or need to be told to turn off
its iPad 12 times.
Donald Trump will have to testify at a civil trial in Chicago over one of his
condos. The worst part is when he takes the witness stand and swears
in with “I swear to tell the truth…so help me Me.”
A Florida chiropractic office is being accused of forcing its employees to
practice Scientology. The state says a business has no right to force
employees to participate in a belief that is nothing but a sham and a
fraud. But enough about chiropractors.
Conan
In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made.
Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.”
China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.
O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.”
The Late Show With David Letterman
Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.
People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him. Because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.
They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.
Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?”
A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.”
Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house.
You may have remembered last Wednesday’s issue of Leprechaun Laffs where it started out really well for me when Lethal actually turned down Leno to replace me as side kick. I thought, Man, it’s gonna be a great issue! But then… right off the bat, I get reminded of how many times I get thrown under the bus… then… I couldn’t get a piece of tail and I couldn’t fly a kite. I thought that was going to be it, but then… I lost the three chocolate bars that I had legitimately stolen from the candy store AND Lethal turned around and got them all FOR FREE! Sheesh! But then, Lethal turned around and offered to share with me any money that anyone felt like they wanted to throw away on the fake Facebook lottery. I know I know There isn’t a worm’s chance in a bird factory of any actually sending us any money, but still…. But then he flips on me again and tells everyone about my blind date at the beach. Lethal, I thought we were friends buddy. I told you that in confidence…well, when you came to collect my catatonic body you’d of figured it out anyway, but you said you wouldn’t tell! Then, THEN he talked about my leaky brain (the Elmer’s glue didn’t work EITHER, by the way!) and my addiction to sniffing glue! Well… this time, I got a picture! This time, the WHOLE world will know exactly what goes on around here!
SHEESH! Ed McMann you ain’t never gonna be! There’s enough intro in that banner for 6 issues!
I know NBC is giving you the axe for expressing yourself like I do, straight up and straight out, but like I told you, I’m not dumping Impish and making you second banana around here. I wont do that to my buddy (besides the SoL [Son of a Lizard] owns 51% of the venture stock).
YES! I’ll call you IF I need a guest host at some point. YES I KNOW that’s how you wound up with Johnny’s job. Look! I’m a wee bit busy here and pressed for time, do you REALLY want me to call for security with all them Paparazzi outside looking for a photo op? Back way out so you can avoid them? Why sure Leno I understand completely! I’m not a TOTALLY heartless guy after all- that would make me Trump!
Here just take this elevator to Level 6 and look for the really big guy with the glowing eyes. How will you know which guy with glowing eyes? Well aside from being the ONLY one, he’s wearing armor that looks like 1/2 a tree and carrying a huge horn. Tell him I said you were there to help exercise the dogs. What’s that got to do with a back way out that nobody will see? Trust menobody will ever see you leaving Level 6!
Ahem…Sorry bout that folks. The problem with being a Concierge to the Rich Famous and Powerful is most days I’m lucky to get them to take my calls but when they suddenly need something REALY BAD and are DESPERATE they will not leave me alone! Since getting rid of Leno (permanently) ate up so much time lets just get right to it shall we?
FRIDAY! Call those Executives at NBC and tell them I expect a messenger with their check for the agreed upon amount by close of business, unless they’d like to come negotiate with me too!
Yes my Master!
Two bears were sitting at the side of the Potomac river near DC .
The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Bear, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Bear.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down near the parking garage over by the Congressional Buildings.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Bear, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.’
After all- Impish seems to do it ALL the time!
Wait! I think I hear a bus coming now!
The very powerful & very stupid have one thing in common [besides rabid unreasoning liberalism- LL]. They don’t alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering!
Dragon vs. Leprechaun —
Impish Dragon & Lethal Leprechaun entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Impish stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, Impish said to Lethal, “Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”
Lethal replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real bloody thieving.”
So they went to the counter and Lethal said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”
Lethal said, “Give me one chocolate bar.” The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
Lethal asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”
Lethal replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”
You just CAN’T beat a Leprechaun………..
Huh! Apparently Leno is a little perturbed with me. I can’t understand why, I DID tell the Eryl King to take it easy on him, I mean how many other people can say they survived taking Hell Hounds of the Wyld Hunt for a “walk”? CELEBRITIES! Go figure!
If you receive any email messages claiming that you are a winner in any Facebook lottery, please note that this is scam. Facebook is currently not promoting any lottery games and will only do so on their website at Facebook.com. I am tired of all these email lottery scams and want people to know that they should never reply to any email messages asking for personal information.
Here is a copy of the “Facebook Lottery Scam” email:
Facebook Online International Lottery From: The Desk Of the President. International Promotions / Prize Award. Category: 2nd
Greetings to you Dear lucky winner. We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the 12th of March 2013 by Facebook group in cash promotion to encourage the usage of Facebook worldwide. Your name was among the 20 lucky winners who won $950.000.00USD (Nine hundred and Fifty Thousand United State Dollars) each on the Facebook group promotion award attached to Lucky Number (FB-225-7736), Ticket Number (FB-172-60), Batch Number (FB-0281/544) and Serial Number (99352748-2013).
The online draws was conducted by a random selection of emails you were picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the Facebook in other to claim your $950.000.00usd the lottery program which is a new innovation by Facebook, is aimed at saying a big thank you to all our users for making Facebook their number one means to connect, communicate, relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.
This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and scam artists all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. You may be rest assured that this is real and legal. There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested.
You are required to contact the head of our disbursement department in the person of Mr. Lincoln Howard via this email address (facebookwinnersdepartment11@gmail.com) with information below for the complete processing of your Winning certificate and further information regarding the disbursement of your lottery winnings.
Full Name: Contact Address: Mobile Number: Occupation: Marital Status: Sex: Age: Country of Residence: Nationality: Lucky Number: Ticket Number: Batch Number: Serial Number: Your Email Address:
Furthermore, if there is any change in email addresses please contact us on time. Do not reply to this email, Contact the disbursement department with the email provided above.
Note: if you are not interested please do not bother to reply.
Thanks and more Congratulations!
Regards, Mr. Wright Jones Announcer.
Ask yourself, why would Facebook use a Gmail account instead of one of their own e-mail accounts like facebookwinnersdepartment11@facebook.com? The answer is, they wouldn’t. The above mentioned e-mail message is a scam and the scammers created the fake Gmail e-mail address for the victims to send their personal information.
If you asked to send personal information to any of the free e-mail service providers like Hotmail, Yahoo, Gmail or others, please do not. Anyone can create an e-mail account at these free e-mail providers and use it for malicious purposes.
If you have some deep abiding desire to empty your bank account(s) for no personal gain PLEASE by ALL MEANS contact Impish or I and we will happily assist you in transferring your liquid assets to us. Rest assured that you will have our profound gratitude in perpetuity for this act of largess.
You think THAT is bad? Impish met a girl on one those ‘dating sites’ and rushed off to meet her for a romantic first date on the beach.
I finally located him the following day hiding under his bed curled up in a fetal position (neither of those things being no mean feat for a Dragon) and whimpering.
When I asked him what was wrong and how is date went he just whimpered louder and push his phone out from under the bed after selecting this photo as an apparent explanation:
He’s currently on a recovery regime of Double Stuff Oreos, Whiskey & intensive Psycho-therapy and is expected to make a full recovery hopefully in time for Saturday’s issue.
Man’s brain fluid leaks out his nose
Runny nose thought to be caused by allergies
Published On: May 08 2013 07:45:28 AM CDT Updated On: May 08 2013 11:26:40 AM CDT
What was thought to be year-round allergies actually turned out to be a rare medical problem for one man.
Joe Nagy’s nose continued to run everyday for more than 18 months. After trying allergy medicines to fix the constant nasal drip, the Arizona native finally went to a specialist who tested the fluid that was dripping out of his nose and determined it was actually brain fluid, Fox 10 reported. The membrane surrounding Nagy’s brain had a hole in it, causing the brain fluid to leak.
Nagy was prepared to have brain surgery to fix the leak, but developed meningitis, which caused the fluid to become infected. The infection eventually cleared up and Nagy was able to have the surgery, which involves “gluing” the hole shut using a surgical needle.
Whoa! Impish buddy! All this time here I was thinking you were either an Inbred Imbecilic Moron loosed on humanity as a joke by Dragon kind or a Post TBI patient with no hope of a full recovery and I was trying to protect you from yourself and all the nasty people who would take advantage of you.
Now after all this time it turns out you might just be low on brain oil ‘cause you have a leak in your brain pan! My Bad Dude! I had NO IDEA you were sniffing glue for a legitimate reason!
Why yes, yes we do- Liberals, Political Fools, Oppressive Government, barely literate entitlement minded Youths and a crushing National Debt all are made here.
You just got to love the Brits.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing? ”
The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f&&k off and wait for a camel!”
Three things this joke makes
graphically clear to me:
1.) Muslim arrogance and determination to oppress the world.
They will stop at nothing to force themselves and their beliefs on anyone give the least opportunity. You and your beliefs/rights are of no concern to them, theirs will take precedent. Fail to see it their way and they resort to terrorism like a spoiled 3 year old resorts to a tantrum.
2.) This clearly demonstrates the biggest problem with Islam is its insistence on living and dwelling in the past and that their fight is with anyone/thing that is progressive.
Unless of course it helps to make them more efficient at terrorism and oppression THAT progression they readily embrace and claim it Allah’s will. Here I thought Catholicism was the Religion of Hypocrisy and Ruthless Oppression! Seems like they’ve fallen to the #2 spot there as well!
3.) The Brits obviously have a much better idea than we do regarding how to deal with their Muslim infestation.
We should stop being to be so liberal touchy-feely politically correct when it comes to ethnic groups that demand we change our country to suit them. Instead we need to apply the “This is America- Love It -Accept It – Live It ‘s Principles – Become a Citizen or Be Forcibly Deported Back the the Third World Toilet You Came From” philosophy before the IS NO American any longer.
The only people who are not for immigration reforms are (illegal) immigrants & the legal families of (illegal) immigrants who co-incidentally are all liberals because they want our gravy train to continue paying for their life. Any one having to foot the bill for them and capable of objectively seeing what they are attempting to do to America certainly wants the reforms!
Good Morning Campers!
Yes, indeed, there is adult content in this ezine. And it may not be of the sexual kind. Nope, this is an ezine for adults, with adult humor, adult topics and adult themes. And like adults, we expect adult behavior and thoughts from our campers. I know. I know. A lot of you are shy and don’t like to draw attention to yourselves. I understand, because I’m kind of a shy, reclusive dragon myself. You have to really draw me out to get me to express my opinion.
Okay, so none of you are buying that line, so let’s just get right to the point.
We’d really, really like to hear your opinions. Not only on whether you liked the issue or not, but on what you read here. The opinions expressed and the thoughts presented.
Let’s hear from you.
Okay, enough about that.
This was sent to me, but it hit me really hard…
When a soldier is killed in the line of duty, his family eventually gets a flag and a note conveying sympathy and respect and from the United States Government. When a Black pro basketball player announces he is a queer, he immediately gets a personal phone call from the President congratulating him for his courage.
Am I missing something?
Did something change that I don’t know about?
Am I alone in not understanding this?
This administration has GOT TO GO!
Okay….that’s enough
I really need to laugh.
World’s Shortest Books
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan & Michelle Obama Illustrated by Michael Moore Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton” ______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton _________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE A BOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton _________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY By Dennis Rodman ____ _____________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC By Amelia Earhart ____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian __________________________________ TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell __________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY By Ted Kennedy _________
MY BOOK ON MORALS By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson And foreward by Tiger Woods with John Edwards ____________________________________________________ HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS ___________________________________________________
AND, JUST ADDED: My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy By Nancy Pelosi ________________________________________________________ And the shortest book of them all………………….. THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE By Barack Obama
Al Gore,Bill Clintonand Barrack Obamago to heaven:
God addresses Gore first.”Al, what do you believe in?”
Gore replies: “Well, I believe that Iwon that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Very good. Come and sit at my left.”
God then addresses Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Clinton replies: “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.”
God thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”
Then God addressesObama. “Barrack, what do you believe in?”
Obama replies: “I believe you’re in my chair.”
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request,dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
This is absolutely incredible and beautiful. The Hungarian Shadow Theater Company on Britain’s Got Talent, 2013…do I have to tell you to go to the website if you want to view the videos? I do? Okay. Go to http://dragonlaffs.com to see this and all the videos you get in the mail.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees anice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock ofhearinga dog talk, he says ‘So,what’s your story?’ The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, Idiscovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry to country, sitting in rooms with spiesand world leaders, because no one figured adog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s full of crap! He’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard’
Q. What Do You Call A Woman Masturbating?
A. A Bushwacker! Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana. Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!” Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex. Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff “According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect.”
And Jeff’s reply was, that’s pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!
The secret to life’s happiness is two fold:
1) Have a good sense of humor
2) Have a dirty mind
Please be patient with me.
Even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE APPEARED AT THE U.N. AND BANGED HIS SHOE ON THE TABLE?
THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
Are we there yet?
Father Guido Sarducci was a favorite of mine in the old, original days of Saturday Night Live. Those of you who only know the more recent seasons have no idea WHAT you may have missed. Here’s a little taste. And remember….. http://dragonlaffs.com
The Swiss Guard welcomed the retired Pope Benedict back to Vatican City where he will live. They’ll have two popes in the same living quarters. Not since Neil Simon wrote The Odd Couple has there been a better premise for a Broadway comedy.
You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.
Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.
Former Senator Jim DeMint says that immigration reform would be blocked if people read the bill. Political experts were confused. Members of Congress can read?
President Obama gave a graduation speech where he told students to reject voices that warn about government tyranny. He then said they could all have their backpacks back after he was done speaking.
The mortician who embalmed Boston Marathon bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnev wants help from the White House on what to do with the body. Apparently he is worried about being stiffed with the stiff.
Itty-Bitty This is a short piece that goes along VERY well with my own “Handling Of A Mad Dog” theory. I think you’ll be able to figure out what the gist is shortly:
Some will argue this is bad logic… but you are allowed to have your own opinion in Texas.
Now the news media will spend days trying to determine why these men did what they did in Boston. They will want to know what America did to make these brothers so angry with us. They will want to know why these men were not arrested before they did something unlawful. The media will be in a tissy about the new era of home grown radicals and about how they could live among us and still hate us.
Here in west Texas, I have rattlesnakes on my place. I have killed a rattlesnake on the front porch. I have killed a rattlesnake on the back porch. I have killed rattlesnakes in the barn, in the shop and on the driveway. I kill every rattlesnake I encounter. I kill rattlesnakes because a rattlesnake will bite me and inflict me with poison. I don’t stop to wonder why a rattlesnake will bite me. It will bite me because it is a rattlesnake and that is what rattlesnakes do. I don’t try to reason with a rattlesnake…I just kill it. I don’t try to get to know the rattlesnake better so that I can find a way to live with the rattlesnakes and convince them not to bite me…I just kill them. I don’t quiz a rattlesnake to see if I can find out where the other snakes are because (a) it won’t tell me (b) I already know that they live on my place…I just kill the rattlesnake and move on to the next one. I don’t look for ways that I might be able to change the rattlesnake to a non-poisonous rat snake because you can’t change nature. So I just kill it before it kills me. Also, I know that for every rattlesnake that I kill, two more lurk out there. In my lifetime I will never be able to rid my place of rattlesnakes. Do I fear them? No! Do I respect what they can do to me? Yes! And because of that respect I give them their fair justice….I kill them.
Maybe as a country we should give more credit to the jihadist for being just like a rattlesnake.
This one is from my dad, who just happens to be a retiree from Florida. Thanks Dad.
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What’ll it be, gentlemen?”
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink
costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”
“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida . They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons…”
An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!”
You get virgin wool from ugly sheep.
Wife: “Why don’t you ever call out my name when we’re making love?” Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake you.”
Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops. Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard.
A man who spends the night at a gay bar may wake up with a queer taste in his mouth.
It’s not my fault I got detained by the Airport TSA agent when she steered me into the full-body scanner and yelled out, “If you’ve got anything in your pants you will have to take it out and hold it in your hand!” She could have been more specific!
A cub scout become a boy scout when he eats his first Brownie.
Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken. The first one asks, “Why is he looking at us like that?” The second replies, “He’s got to focus.” “Oh no,” says the first one, “you tell him he has to take the picture first.”
Bisexual: Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl called Penny — Is that spooky or what?
School girl to mother: “I do not want to go to the sex education class.” “Why not?” “Because the final exam will be oral.”
“That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!” bemoaned Rich to Ernie. “That girl is a real mirage.” “Aren’t you using the wrong word?” asked Ernie. “A mirage is something you can see but can’t feel.” “Yeah,” came the reply “That describes her exactly!”
FIREMEN do it with a big hose
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARDENERS like to trim bushes
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
Being bisexual doubles my chances of getting a date on a Saturday night.
PIMP: A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.
Vasectomy: Never having to say you’re sorry.
Prostitutes are pretty much regular folk: They take your pants off one leg at a time like everybody else.
Have you heard about the bicentennial prostitute? She was an independent operator who charged 1776; it was a great deal, but she did it only with minutemen.
The 69 position is like driving in rush hour because the asshole is always in front of you!
The missis asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
Today’s Last Word is something both astounding and scary as hell. I know we all thought that we would get to this, but George Orwell was right, in more ways than we feared…
FORMER FBI COUNTERTERRORISM AGENT ON CNN: All Texts, Email and TELEPHONE CALLS are Recorded and Stored by the US Government Even those made within the USA by American Citizens
EXCUSE ME???!!! Wiretapping is one thing, but are you telling me that all our conversations, text messages, emails, sexting messages (oh dear Lord, NO!) and every other form of electronic communication have been recorded? And can be searched? Not just wiretaps in real time (legal and illegal) but …. but …. how far back does this go? Well, thanks to our good friend Kim Kommando, who pointed us towards The Guardian website (http://www.guardiannews.com/ )and a piece written by Glenn Greenwald, we will end up getting some, if not all answers to those questions.
Are all telephone calls recorded and accessible to the US government?
A former FBI counterterrorism agent claims on CNN that this is the case.
The real capabilities and behavior of the US surveillance state are almost entirely unknown to the American public because, like most things of significance done by the US government, it operates behind an impenetrable wall of secrecy. But a seemingly spontaneous admission this week by a former FBI counterterrorism agent provides a rather startling acknowledgment of just how vast and invasive these surveillance activities are.
Over the past couple days, cable news tabloid shows such as CNN’s Out Front with Erin Burnett have been excitingly focused on the possible involvement in the Boston Marathon attack of Katherine Russell, the 24-year-old American widow of the deceased suspect, Tamerlan Tsarnaev. As part of their relentless stream of leaks uncritically disseminated by our Adversarial Press Corps, anonymous government officials are claiming that they are now focused on telephone calls between Russell and Tsarnaev that took place both before and after the attack to determine if she had prior knowledge of the plot or participated in any way.
On Wednesday night, Burnett interviewed Tim Clemente, a former FBI counterterrorism agent, about whether the FBI would be able to discover the contents of past telephone conversations between the two. He quite clearly insisted that they could:
BURNETT: Tim, is there any way, obviously, there is a voice mail they can try to get the phone companies to give that up at this point. It’s not a voice mail. It’s just a conversation. There’s no way they actually can find out what happened, right, unless she tells them?
CLEMENTE: “No, there is a way. We certainly have ways in national security investigations to find out exactly what was said in that conversation. It’s not necessarily something that the FBI is going to want to present in court, but it may help lead the investigation and/or lead to questioning of her. We certainly can find that out.
BURNETT: “So they can actually get that? People are saying, look, that is incredible.
CLEMENTE: “No, welcome to America. All of that stuff is being captured as we speak whether we know it or like it or not.”
“All of that stuff” – meaning every telephone conversation Americans have with one another on US soil, with or without a search warrant – “is being captured as we speak”.
On Thursday night, Clemente again appeared on CNN, this time with host Carol Costello, and she asked him about those remarks. He reiterated what he said the night before but added expressly that “all digital communications in the past” are recorded and stored:
Source: FBI Looking At Wife’s Phone Call
Let’s repeat that last part: “no digital communication is secure”, by which he means not that any communication is susceptible to government interception as it happens (although that is true), but far beyond that: all digital communications – meaning telephone calls, emails, online chats and the like – are automatically recorded and stored and accessible to the government after the fact. To describe that is to define what a ubiquitous, limitless Surveillance State is.
There have been some previous indications that this is true. Former AT&T engineer Mark Klein revealed that AT&T and other telecoms had built a special network that allowed the National Security Agency full and unfettered access to data about the telephone calls and the content of email communications for all of their customers. Specifically, Klein explained “that the NSA set up a system that vacuumed up Internet and phone-call data from ordinary Americans with the cooperation of AT&T” and that “contrary to the government’s depiction of its surveillance program as aimed at overseas terrorists . . . much of the data sent through AT&T to the NSA was purely domestic.” But his amazing revelations were mostly ignored and, when Congress retroactively immunized the nation’s telecom giants for their participation in the illegal Bush spying programs, Klein’s claims (by design) were prevented from being adjudicated in court.
Every day, collection systems at the National Security Agency intercept and store 1.7 billion e-mails, phone calls and other types of communications.
It would also help explain the revelations of former NSA official William Binney, who resigned from the agency in protest over its systemic spying on the domestic communications of US citizens, that the US government has “assembled on the order of 20 trillion transactions about US citizens with other US citizens” (which counts only communications transactions and not financial and other transactions), and that “the data that’s being assembled is about everybody. And from that data, then they can target anyone they want.”
Despite the extreme secrecy behind which these surveillance programs operate, there have been periodic reports of serious abuse. Two Democratic Senators, Ron Wyden and Mark Udall, have been warning for years that Americans would be “stunned” to learn what the US government is doing in terms of secret surveillance.
Strangely, back in 2002 – when hysteria over the 9/11 attacks (and thus acquiescence to government power) was at its peak – the Pentagon’s attempt to implement what it called the “Total Information Awareness” program (TIA) sparked so much public controversy that it had to be official scrapped. But it has been incrementally re-instituted – without the creepy (though honest) name and all-seeing-eye logo – with little controversy or even notice. The weird thing is, that every military base has an Information Awareness Office…strange? Coincidence?
Back in 2010, worldwide controversy erupted when the governments of Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates banned the use of Blackberries because some communications were inaccessible to government intelligence agencies, and that could not be tolerated. The Obama administration condemned this move on the ground that it threatened core freedoms, only to turn around six weeks later and demand that all forms of digital communications allow the US government backdoor access to intercept them. Put another way, the US government embraced exactly the same rationale invoked by the UAE and Saudi agencies: that no communications can be off limits. Indeed, the UAE, when responding to condemnations from the Obama administration, noted that it was simply doing exactly that which the US government does:
“‘In fact, the UAE is exercising its sovereign right and is asking for exactly the same regulatory compliance – and with the same principles of judicial and regulatory oversight – that Blackberry grants the US and other governments and nothing more,’ [UAE Ambassador to the US Yousef Al] Otaiba said. ‘Importantly, the UAE requires the same compliance as the US for the very same reasons: to protect national security and to assist in law enforcement.'”
That no human communications can be allowed to take place without the scrutinizing eye of the US government is indeed the animating principle of the US Surveillance State. Still, this revelation, made in passing on CNN, that every single telephone call made by and among Americans is recorded and stored is something which most people undoubtedly do not know, even if the small group of people who focus on surveillance issues believed it to be true (clearly, both Burnett and Costello were shocked to hear this).
Some new polling suggests that Americans, even after the Boston attack, are growing increasingly concerned about erosions of civil liberties in the name of Terrorism. Even those people who claim it does not matter instinctively understand the value of personal privacy: they put locks on their bedroom doors and vigilantly safeguard their email passwords. That’s why the US government so desperately maintains a wall of secrecy around their surveillance capabilities: because they fear that people will find their behavior unacceptably intrusive and threatening, as they did even back in 2002 when John Poindexter’s TIA was unveiled.
Mass surveillance is the hallmark of a tyrannical political culture. But whatever one’s views on that, the more that is known about what the US government and its surveillance agencies are doing, the better. This admission by this former FBI agent on CNN gives a very good sense for just how limitless these activities are.
Scary stuff? You betcha! Think about all the text messages you’ve ever sent, all the emails you’ve sent. Now, think about the fact that the government might want to “talk” to you about a crime, maybe one that you didn’t commit, but maybe you don’t have a good alibi for – do you really want them to be able to go back through ALL your emails, ALL your texts, ALL your phone calls? You don’t think it’s possible they can find some out of context evidence there to hang you for just about anything? I know they could with mine. And I, of course, don’t wish to speak for Lethal, but …
Scary enough for you now?
SEE IMPISH! I TOLD YOU I had serious protections and not just magical ones!
We Leprechauns are protected under the EU’s Endangered Species laws (bloody handy this protection extends to my European gold stashes too!)
So you’d better cease any and all threats to eat me when you don’t get your way or steal my god when your broke. Because if there is anymore o’ the likes o’ this:
‘Tis Interpol and the Garda you be having on your scaly tail! Just remember you bleeding twit!I AM your lawyer! So if you get arrested for attempting to eat an endangered species (me) WHO is going to represent you?
THE TOILET SEAT
Impish’s wife, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Drs. Dragon was out.
After finishing, Impish left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Impish got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, they called me. Once I stopped laughing hysterically and got ahold of myself, I suggested they undo the toilet seat bolts. Mrs. Dragon wrapped a sheet around herself and Impish drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this). <much snickering>
Impish, fearful of his wife’s wrath once freed over the embarrassment, tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.” The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them…… I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
Good thing she never found out he signed it as the artist!
Our Resident Poet Laureate Diaman writes:
Just asked my Irish sister-in-law about girl leprechauns & she said she didn’t think there were any. My brother said, “God made Adam, God made Eve, then He made a leprechaun & went onto something else.” Then she said, “But there’s the Wee people”…so what’s the story here?
Well Lass I’m glad you asked that question because there are a lot of misconceptions about us curmudgeonly cobblers out there and what passes for the image of us here in the states barely very little resemblance to the truth (unless you consider the Warwick Davis movies and only about 25% of that is accurate)
A leprechaun (Irish: leipreachán) is a type of fairy in Irish folklore, usually taking the form of an old man, clad in a red or green coat, who enjoys partaking in mischief. Like other fairy creatures, leprechauns have been linked to the Tuatha Dé Danann of Irish mythology. The Leprechauns spend all their time busily making shoes, and store away all their coins in a hidden pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If ever captured by a human, the Leprechaun has the magical power to grant three wishes in exchange for their release. Popular depiction shows the Leprechaun as being no taller than a small child,with a beard and hat, although they may originally have been perceived as the tallest of the mound-dwellers (the Tuatha Dé Danann). [Believe me when I say a.) catching one o’ us is WAY harder than you think! and; b.) We’ll do our level best to screw you on those wishes granting the EXACT letter of the phrasing over the intent or where that’s not possible granting it in such a manner as to maximize the potential unforeseen consequences!- L.L.]
The earliest known reference to the leprechaun appears in the medieval tale known as the Echtra Fergus mac Léti (English: Adventure of Fergus son of Léti). The text contains an episode in which Fergus mac Léti, King of Ulster, falls asleep on the beach and wakes to find himself being dragged into the sea by three lúchorpáin. He captures his abductors, who grant him three wishes in exchange for release.
The leprechaun is said to be a solitary creature, whose principal occupation is making and mending shoes, and who enjoys practical jokes. According to William Butler Yeats, the great wealth of these fairies comes from the “treasure-crocks, buried of old in war-time”, which they have uncovered and appropriated. According to McAnally the leprechaun is the son of an “evil spirit” and a “degenerate fairy” and is “not wholly good nor wholly evil”
There is no such thing as a female leprechaun, since the Irish leprechaun are a type of fairy, their female counterpart would be a “fairy.” [It is most generally accepted that the closest female fae counterpart to a Leprechaun is a Sprite- L.L.] Fairies are generally described as human in appearance and having magical powers. Much of the folklore about fairies revolves about protection from their malice, by such means as cold iron (fairies don’t like iron and will not go near it) or charms of rowan and herbs, or avoiding offense by shunning locations known to be theirs. In particular, folklore describes how to prevent the fairies from stealing babies and substituting changelings, and abducting older people as well. Fairies [and therefore Leprechauns – L.L.] are generally portrayed as human in appearance and as having supernatural abilities such as the ability to fly, cast spells and to influence or foresee the future. Although in modern culture they are often depicted as young, sometimes winged, females of small stature, they originally were depicted much differently: tall, radiant, angelic beings or short, wizened trolls being some of the commonly mentioned.
[I AM NOT A BLOODY TROLL! OK, so maybe my countenance is a wee bit dour and my attitude/manner comes across slightly curmudgeonly occasionally, but hey YOU try toiling over folks smelly shoes night after night w/o so much as a can of Lysol or Febreze in sight, by candle light if your lucky otherwise its moon light, for acouple o’ centuries and see how bloody chipper and cheerful YOU are boy-o!
You want a good explanation for women’s ridiculous shoe fashions, uncomfortable shoes, the decline of repairable/resoleable shoes and such high shoe prices? I’ll give you one that covers all those! LEPRECAHUN’S REVENGE! For not having the common courtesy to deodorize the bloody foul feted things before you leave them out for us to repair!- L.L. ]
Thanks for asking Diaman! Here’s a wee more info on us:
Ten Things Everyone Wants to Know about Leprechauns
BY MARTIN NELSON BURTON
As a child, Martin Nelson Burton used to write to a leprechaun.
He is the author of the classic St. Patrick’s Day book, Dear Mr. Leprechaun: Letters From My First Friendship.
1 What are leprechauns?
Leprechauns are small fairy-like creatures with magical powers and minds full of mischief. Some who have seen them say they are no bigger than a little finger; others say they can get as tall as a small child. Their favorite pastimes are counting their gold and playing tricks on humans.
2 Where do leprechauns live?
Leprechauns are known to live in the forests of Ireland, usually in hollowed-out trees, small caves, or under large bushes. Some are thought to live in quaint, unseen villages that become visible to human eyes only at certain times of the year. Because leprechauns are curious folk, they find ways to travel to distant lands, but remain carefully hidden from view.
3 Are there girl leprechauns?
Technically, no. A leprechaun, in the strict sense, is always male. But, in a larger sense, leprechauns are just part of a much larger fairy kingdom. It is believed that, when a child is born into that kingdom, if the child is a boy, he becomes a leprechaun. If the child is a girl, she becomes a fairy.
4 What do leprechauns like to eat?
Leprechauns are not famous for their food; they get by on mushrooms, some nuts, and various wild flowers. But they are more well-known for what they drink. It is no secret that they make all kinds of creative beverages for themselves and have a grand time drinking away. In the afternoon, most leprechauns love a good, rich brew of dandelion tea.
5 Do leprechauns really come with a pot of gold?
Most people have heard that if you catch a leprechaun, you should ask him for his pot of gold. Actually, a typical leprechaun owns far more than a pot of gold. Most have vast storehouses filled with gold and other valuable treasures. Leprechauns invented the myth about a “pot of gold” because a leprechaun who is caught has to give you all the gold you ask him for. If you think he has just one pot of gold, that’s all you’ll ask for. When he hands over the pot to you, the leprechaun will scream and cry like you’ve taken his last crumb of food, but inside he’ll be very relieved that you didn’t ask him for the hundreds of other pots of gold he has lying around.
6 What do leprechauns do with their time?
By profession, leprechauns are shoemakers. They provide the footwear for all the fairy kingdom. That may not seem like such an exciting job, but remember that fairies are famous for their all-night dancing parties, and take great pride in showing off their latest fast-moving, foot stomping jigs for hours at a time. They need the finest, longest-lasting, most decorated shoes they can get. And fairies are willing to pay handsomely for the right pair of shoes. A leprechaun who can satisfy the needs of the most demanding fairy dancers can make a very fine living indeed.
7 Are all leprechauns mean?
Somehow, many people have it stuck in their minds that leprechauns are mean, nasty beings intent on doing evil. Some movies have even portrayed leprechauns as downright scary. But nothing could be further from the truth. Leprechauns are tricksters, yes; they love to play practical jokes and can be very frustrating neighbors, to be sure. But at heart, leprechauns intend no harm, and in fact want nothing more than to live at peace with their neighbors, human or fairy. [Bloody American Twist! Get our Legend, history & personality right! We spent a lot of gold time and effort on those Leprechaun movies and paid Warwick Davos a bloody mint for an accurate portrayal!- L.L. ]
8 Do leprechauns wear green?
Leprechauns come from Ireland, a rainy country known for its sparkling green forests, meadows, and hillsides. So of course leprechauns make sure their everyday clothing is green, to blend in with their surroundings and reduce the risk of being seen. But late at night, when they go to the fairy parties for the dancing and the merry-making and the eating and the drinking, they aren’t as worried about being seen. Then, leprechauns will get dressed up in their brightest crimsons, golds, and violets, sport top hats, coats and tails, and get ready for fun, fun, fun!
9 How do you find a leprechaun?
To find a leprechaun you must make sure you are not looking for one. Leprechauns can sense when they are being hunted, and hide themselves all the better. Those who find leprechauns always stumble upon them, and the leprechaun is usually more surprised than the human. Sometimes, you’ll know there is a leprechaun around when you hear a soft tap-tap-tapping nearby as a leprechaun hammers a nail into a shoe. Sometimes, you’ll see a sleeping leprechaun’s shoes just poking out from under a bush. Stay alert wherever you are, but you just have to be lucky.
10 How do you catch a leprechaun?
When you find a leprechaun, all you have to do to keep him under your control is never let your eyes off him. You can set him down, and as long as your eyes never leave him, he is yours to keep. This is much harder than it seems, as the leprechaun will do everything he can to distract you. Leprechauns are accomplished ventriloquists, and will imitate sounds of wild animals or your family members screaming as if they are right behind you; and when you turn around to look, the leprechaun will vanish. Or, a leprechaun might offer to play his bagpipes for you; but his music will carry a special spell with it, and get your feet to dancing all on their own, so that he’ll send you down the street doing a silly jig to the “Leprechaun’s Reel”, while he waltzes merrily home.
Harrison Ford was a guest on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!‘ to promote his movie ‘42‘ and naturally the discussion came around to ‘Star Wars: Episode 7‘ and the future of the franchise. Ford tried to stay mum and say he couldn’t talk about anything ‘Star Wars,’ but when he agreed to some questions from the audience, things got heated and Ford walked off the set. Watch video of the incident below.
Can see it? Blog (where you BELONG reading this) is that way=>
The audience had no idea that previous to this there had been a confrontation backstage which of course we here at DL/LL Enterprises spared no expense to obtain for you!
What? I got to say it AGAIN? If you can’t see it the blog is that way =>>
The phrase I most dread hearing come out of Impish’s mouth? “Hey Lethal! Hold my coffee and watch THIS!”
That’s a SURE six hours at the Emergency Care Veterinary Clinic right there!
The last time we went he had to have a CAT scan of his brain (apparently there ARE things in the Muggle world denser than a Dragons skull! Who knew?!).
I have a framed copy of the compiled scans on my office wall. Here have a look for yourselves!
Is there any wonder I reflexively cringe when he says:
“Hey Lethal! Hold my coffee and watch THIS!”
Looks like Mommy is a Pole Dancing Stripper (and a fairly successful one too!) doesn’t it?
That’s what the little girls teacher thought also!
Read the response to the teacher’s concerns from the mother:
How to Get a Big Collection of Free Windows Themes and Wallpaper from Microsoft
There have always been a lot of Windows themes and desktop wallpapers scattered around the giant Microsoft website. But the site is not always easy to navigate and finding things there can be problematical. So, if you wanted a new theme or desktop background, it could be quite a search. Fortunately, Microsoft has finally consolidated its many such offerings at a single site. It is called the Personalization Gallery and the link is here. There are separate areas for themes and for desktop backgrounds (wallpaper). The themes are for Windows 7 and 8 but the desktop backgrounds can be used in all present versions of Windows.
There are themes with a wide variety of subjects. They include animals, art, automotive, game, holidays & seasons, movies, natural wonders, places & landscapes, plants & flowers, and others. There is even an RSS feed provided so that you can have changing, live themes just like the live tiles in Windows 8. There is a similar large selection of wallpapers.
5 Super Awesome iPhone Tricks You Never Knew Existed
Cool iPhone, bro. What’s it do besides FaceTime and take pictures that look like they’re from the ’70s? You don’t know? That’s crazy! Wasn’t that thing, like, 9 million dollars? You should know about some of the super cool tricks it can do. You will know about some of the super cool tricks it can do.
Mesmerize your friends! Fool your co-workers! Baffle Impish Dragon your siblings! Here are 5 super cool iPhone tricks you probably never knew existed.
Fire glass is tempered glass manufactured in pebble-sized fragments used as a medium to retain and direct heat, usually in gas fireplaces and fire pits.
Rumors are circulating in CA that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
Last Saturday Impish raised the issue of my middle initial [L] and what it possibly stood for. If you are one of those stubborn fossilized luddites who obstinately refuse to read the issues on the blog its highly likely you missed my response in the comments section regarding this. For those of you who live to whine and cry that you do not get some of the references we make because they relate to comments which have appeared after an issue on the blog (you guilty parties know who I am addressing) I repost my comments here now. THANK YOU EVER SO BLOODY MUCH for making doing this blog just that much harder, tedious and time consuming.
There has been much speculation down through the ages what that middle initial L stands for in my name.
Here are some of the more popular guesses (no order) and the reasoning(?) behind them.
Lascivious (So I like to look at the female form and spout naughty Limericks! That doesn’t make me a Lounge Lizard- that’s Impish’s Department!)
Litigious (some smart ass penned this one in on my Law Degree while I wasn’t looking for a joke. I sued him for defamation)
Loan Shark (what can I say? You Make a few examples out of people who think they can welsh on you because you loaned them money sans collateral and you get a certain reputation.)
Lucifer (Me dear Mother swore I had the devil in me and this was the middle name she should have given me)
Legendary (Well ok I admit it, in certain circles I AM one but I generally don’t advertise it)
Longinus (I think Pope Constantine started this rumor. However I was never a Roman Centurion, nor was I anyplace near Golgotha that day. I’m certainly no Saint and besides Longinus’s name was Casca Rufio not Lethal Something)
Lothario (This rumor was started by several jealous women in Connecticut who were rather understandably upset with my moving to Texas with intent to marry Molly (presumably) over the loss of my intimate favors and sterling companionship.)
Limerick (admittedly I DO have a penchant for them- the naughtier the better)
Lorcan (me Da always maintained this was me middle name as it means silent or fierce in Gaelic. Seemed he was always telling me to shut up when I interjected to point out he was going about something all wrong. Then again with the 1st name of Lethal, ‘Fierce’ makes a bloody fine second name so this one COULD be the right one you never know)
Loaded (I’m PRETTY sure this one was started by Impish or one of his Dragon buddies after I matched hoard values with them and they all lost…badly)
What is it really? I’ll never tell. a dozen wild sexually uninhibited virgins couldn’t drag it out of me! At least I don’t THINK they could but I’m more than willing to find out!
A few more different and unusual recipes this week. These sent to me by Reader Wolfrose.
Bacon Monkey Bread
Everything seems to taste better with bacon in it, and that goes for our delicious pull-apart Bacon Monkey Bread. Whether for breakfast, brunch or a snack, this one will disappear in a flash!
You will need:
1 pound bacon, 1 teaspoon vegetable oil, 3/4 chopped green pepper, 3/4 cup chopped onion, 3 tubes of refrigerated buttermilk biscuits, 1/2 cup melted butter 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese.
Cook bacon until crisp. Drain bacon and set aside . Add vegetable oil to skillet and warm over medium heat. Add green pepper and onion. Sauté until tender.
Cut biscuits in quarters and place them in a large mixing bowl. Add veggies, bacon, butter and cheese to bowl and toss until the biscuits are coated.
Butter a 10 inch tube pan and place mixture in the pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes
Locate a place to enjoy your labors that is secure from certain Dragons &/or Leprechauns
Cheeseburger soup
2 Carrots 1 Onion 2 Stalks Celery 8 Cups Potatoes diced 3 Cans Chicken Broth 1/4 c Flour 1/2 c Butter 1/2 lb Hamburger meat 1/2 c Milk 1/4 c Sour Cream 1/2 lb Velveeta Cheese Salt and Pepper to taste
Brown the meat and drain. Set Aside.
Chop the potatoes up into small chunks and set aside.
Grate the carrots and chop the celery and the onion.
Melt 1/4 c of the butter in a large 5 qt pot and sauté the onions and the celery until clear.
Add cooked hamburger meat, and potatoes along with the chicken broth.
Simmer until the potatoes are tender.
While this is cooking, take the remaining butter and add the flour over low heat. Stir until thick then set aside.
Once the potatoes are done to your liking add the flour mixture to thicken the soup. (I boil the potatoes separately, then add to the meat to speed up that process.)
Stir well, then add the cheese cut into blocks along with the milk. Stir occasionally until the cheese is melted. I let it simmer in the Crock-Pot all day.
Right before serving take the soup off of the heat and add the sour cream. Stir until incorporated and then serve.
You will find as you cook this you will adjust the amounts of broth and cheese for your own liking. You can also play with the amount of potatoes and meat to make it a more filling soup.
Goes great along with some French Bread, or my favorite warm Ciabatta bread.
I vote for Bacon Monkey Bread to accompany it!
INGREDIENTS 1 package regular Oreo cookies (Not Double Stuff) – about 36 cookies 6 Tablespoon butter, melted 1- 8 ounce package cream cheese, softened 1/4 cup granulated sugar 2 Tablespoons cold milk 1- 12 ounce tub Cool Whip, divided 2 – 3.9 ounce packages Chocolate Instant Pudding. 3 1/4 cups cold milk 1 and 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips
DIRECTIONS 1. Begin by crushing 36 Oreo cookies. I used my food processor for this, but you could also place them in a large Ziploc bag and crush them with a rolling pin. When the Oreos have turned into fine crumbs, you are done. 2. Transfer the Oreo crumbs to a large bowl. Stir in 6 tablespoons melted butter and use a fork to incorporate the butter into the cookie crumbs. When the butter is distributed, transfer the mixture to a 9 x 13 inch baking dish. Press the crumbs into the bottom of the pan. Place the pan in the refrigerator while you work on the additional layers. 3. Mix the cream cheese with a mixer until light and fluffy. Add in 2 Tablespoons of milk, and sugar, and mix well. Stir in 1 and 1/4 cups Cool Whip. Spread this mixture over the crust. 4. In a bowl, combine chocolate instant pudding with 3 and 1/4 cups cold milk. Whisk for several minutes until the pudding starts to thicken. Use a spatula to spread the mixture over the previous cream cheese layer. Allow the dessert to rest for about 5 minutes so that the pudding can firm up further. 5. Spread the remaining Cool Whip over the top. Sprinkle mini chocolate chips evenly over the top. Place in the freezer for 1 hour, or the refrigerator for 4 hours before serving.
The Insidious Liberal Plot to Brain Wash Our Children Through ‘Education’
Students, a fourth grade class in Jacksonville, Florida heard a local attorney speak about the Bill of Rights. After the attorney left, the teacher told the class to write down the following sentence, ” I am willing to give up some of my Constitutional rights…to be safer.”
The assignment was discovered by accident months later by the child’s mother. When questioned by school authorities, the teacher said that the child wrote the sentence on his own.
I am so tired of it when it comes to parents not paying attention to or taking an interest in the education of their children. They are leaving un-parentally supervised these trusting vulnerable & impressionable minds with/to oft times total strangers who are more and more apparently unqualified, ill-equipped or have a hidden agenda for being the educators of our next generation.
Liberals are trying to get a movement going in this country. Your children are an important part of the plan to “change” society once and for all.Liberals think it’s important to tear down their belief in their country.Liberals think it’s important to groom them to give up the rights set forth in the Constitution. Liberals think it is important to convince them that the Constitution is an old, yellow, irrelevant piece of paper.
I am distressed to report that “Liberals” are doing a fairly good job. Once in a while a nosy parent gums up the works, but Liberals shall persevere. Their Boards of Education and Teachers Unions step in with lies, obfuscations they refer to as ‘investigations’, arbitrary policies (allegedly meant to protect the children but providing HUIGE shields to the wrong doing teachers) and politically correct hype and crap in defense of their educational agenda. An agenda which btw they will hasten to tell you that as a mere parent you are ill-equipped to judge and have no say over anyway because they are elected officials and therefore know better than you despite for the largest part having no training what so ever in education.
Once the Common Core National Standards for Education are firmly implanted in the schools the children will be like putty in the Liberals Marxist hands. Then not only will we have lost the educational system that that help to make this country great and a technological leader, we’ll have lost all sense of National Self & American Pride as it will have been re-educated right out of our little Comrades in training.
Can you remember your first really difficult decision?
I know I can! In fact it was exactly the same one this kid faces!
What did I ultimately decide? Well with true greedy Leprechaun logic I saw no reason not to try and have both- I kept attempting to dunk the cookie in the tit! If you’ll excuse me now I find I suddenly have a craving for warm milk and Oreos!
Cooter and Gomer
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘ Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. ‘
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.. ‘
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley’
The mortician asked, ‘ How can you tell? ‘ Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’
‘What? He had two assholes? ‘ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say: ‘There’s Stanley with them two assholes.’
Have received this a few times now form a few of you. Another one of those Urban Legends that just will not die (this one has been around since early 2011) so I figured it was time to put a stake though it Leprechaun style!
The City of Dallas, Texas, passed an ordinance stating that if a driver is pulled over by law enforcement, and is not able to provide proof of insurance, the car is towed. To retrieve the car after being impounded, they must show proof of insurance to have the car released. This has made it easy for the City of Dallas to remove uninsured cars. Shortly after the “No Insurance” ordinance was passed, Dallas impound lots began to fill up, and were full after nine days. Over 80 % of the impounded cars were driven by illegal’s. Now, not only must they provide proof of insurance to have their car released, they have to pay for the cost of the tow, a $350 fine, and $20 for every day their car is kept in the lot. Guess what? Accident rates have gone down 47%…Dallas’ solution gets uninsured drivers off the road WITHOUT making them show proof of nationality. Just brings tears to your eyes!
GO Dallas!
Is this true? Yes…and no, with the case being far more the latter than the former. Like any good lie it has its foundation in truth. However the rest of it is built of of pure Bull:
A Few Thoughts on the Boston Bombing and It’s Aftermath
I’ve been holding my mud as it were on the subject because most of you probably don’t really care about what I have to say about it, you’d rather mindless meaningless jokes to bury your heads in. However I have noticed two things which have gone largely unremarked upon by anyone in the media which concern and bother me greatly which I would like to take a brief minute to call to your attention.
I saw where the authorities were saying that the Bomb Bros had gotten their plans for building the devices off an Al Qaida web site.
This sort of shocked me in one respect. Now maybe I’m looking at this all wrong, but it seems strange to me that we allow access to such a sites or at least do not monitor access to the sites and take extremely hard looks at those accessing them up to and including preemptively deporting those who are not citizens.
Think about it for a minute. The FBI forced the closure of Megaupload, a file sharing service for, allegations of Piracy/Copyright Infringement for hosting the files of 150 million users, a small percentage of which were trading or offering for free Movies which they had in there possession). These files did not belong to Megaupload, Megaupload isn’t even a USA registered company or based in the US, it is registered in Hong Kong and based in New Zealand! They were in fact co-operating in good faith with the FBI and the FBI used the information so gained against them to obtain warrants in US Court against Megaupload.
The FBI then pressured New Zealand to arrest and extradite to the US the owner Kim Dotcom and several executives of Megaupload At the same time the arrest warrants were being served the FBI on the ground in New Zealand violated not ONLY New Zealand law regarding search and seizure but quite possibly Interpol and US laws as well, removing servers from the Mansion where the arrests were made and then removing those from New Zealand on a diplomatic flight.
What threat were these people posing to the US to cause the FBI to go to these extremes? Was Megaupload a National Security risk like the multiple Al Qaida DYI terror planning sites that are continually accessed on a daily basis from w/in the US? The FBI immediately blocked all access from the US to Megaupload’s other servers (their back ups were not in New Zealand) slapping up an FBI Logo and a threatening warning reminiscent of the opening of most DVDs. In some cases they even copied and tracked the IP addresses of those attempting to access the site until the number of hits grew too excessive. Why is at least that much being done (copying IP addresses) with these sites and the users of those addresses checked against watch lists? If this HAD happened then MAYBE given the Russians interest and request for an interview of the Bomb Bros last year based on their comments on one of these sites and the number of visits to those sites that the Russians had tracked, we’d have 175 more alive and uninjured people in Boston as I write this!
I can tell you EXACTLY what the difference between the Megaupload Corporation and the Bomb Bros was. Why the FBI went to such extremes in one case and did nothing in the other. The MPAA- Motion Picture Artist Association, Hollywood’s big money lobby in Washington is your reason plain and simple. The AL Qaida sites are not causing any US big business concern financial injury.
Am I the ONLY one that sees this and thinks it is a problem on multiple levels?
Secondly-
I see all sorts of news items about dead Bomb Bro #1 and the trouble his remains are creating.
It was apparently very hard to find a Funeral Home to take him pending the second autopsy the family is insisting on (presumably so they can point at it and attempt to cause the American Government grief over the fact he got shot, blown up and run over by his other Bomb Brother. Assign any and all motives to this you wish. My favorites are extortion and propaganda) SPEAKING of the family the onerous stench surround his actions is SO FOUL as to have caused a serious delay in any of the family even wanting to claim his ass. Not his wife, not his parents who have stated they will not even come for the burial of their own child.
Now that one has been found, about as far away from Boston as is possible but yet still in Massachusetts, the people in the town where it is are none to happy. The hearse was booed as it passed thru the town and people are making no bones about not liking the Funeral Directors decision and taking exception with his position that everyone deserves to be buried. I read one report of a family moving their deceased to another funeral home because they didn’t approve or want their love one to have to share a morgue cooler with terrorist scum.
The funeral director has stated that finding a burial plot is proving exceptionally difficult as no cemetery will sell him a plot for Bomb Bro #!. He’s gone as far as stating that if he cannot find one by the time the second autopsy is done that he’s planning on asking the government to find him one indicating to me that he feels this is somehow our governments problem and not the families.
Personally (and I hope somewhat objectively) I have to take the opposing view from the funeral director on several issues. I disagree that everyone deserves to be buried. I WILL agree that everyone deserves to have their remains disposed of in as dignified manner as possible under the circumstances, but that is as far as I will go.
Religiously speaking he went unrepentant for his sins (mortal ones) to his death. (‘Islam: Religion of Peace’ my large freckled Irish arse!) Therefore if I remember my Catholic Sunday School brainwashing correctly, he cannot be buried on Hallowed Ground (we’ll ignore the larger issue of his religion being intolerant of Catholics and Jews who’s cemeteries make up the preponderance of cemeteries in the NE.) I also disagree with any inference that the problem is our government’s to bury him (too bad there are no more Paupers Fields or Boot Hills!) I can see 3 easy options for the funeral director:
1.) Find one of these Muslim-We’re-Not-Really-So-Evil Groups like the assholes that wanted a Mosque near Ground Zero.Make them put up or shut up. He’s of THEIR faith and acted on the instructions of the QURAN and (presumably) so zealous Mullah or Imam some place. So make getting his remains buried his own faith’s problem. They must have Muslim only places to bury their dead. Prove being Islamic or Muslim or a Follower of Mohammad the Pedophile isn’t just a thing of convenience. Your religion created this monster now your religion should be responsible for taking care of the monster’s remains!
2.) If the US Government agrees to intervene in this problem, it should be ONLY to the extent of delivering his coffin the the nearest appropriate Embassy with documentation indicating his student visa has been revoked and that his remains are Persona Non Grata and instructing them to furnish proof of his shipping home on the earliest available flight on the Embassy’s dime. Just because he is abhorrent to his parents for what he has become does not alleviate them of their responsibility for the piece of shit or his estate of which he remains is a part.
3.) Treat him exactly like the piece of shit he is. Do the same thing they did with Bin Laden only sans the level or respect/deference. A chartered boat out to the 12 mile limit and burial at sea is a heck of a lot cheaper than flying him home or burying his butt and all the attendant issues THAT is going to raise with grave desecration and clashes between Americans and radical Muslims who will try to martyr his buried ass. It’s a damned sight better than the landfill burial this terrorist piece of shit deserves.
I AM the Lethal Leprechaun and I say ENOUGH ALREADY! Take this trash out and lets be done with him! The only people getting anything out of prolonging this is Al Qaida.
Thank you for your kind attention, my apologists for speaking on a serious topical and thought worth subject to you. You may return your heads to the sands of humor now.
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Dragon Laffs 