As I’m writing this mid afternoon on Monday we’re experiencing a summer cold front here finally. In Texan speak  this means we’re seeing low 90s with 50 to 60% humidity and a heat index of about 8 to 10. While still warm its better than the 110+ with the afternoon heat index we were seeing for the last 2 weeks. However the cold front also means scattered showers and T-storms are a daily occurrence most of the week. Hopefully this will relax the ground enough to avoid a repeat of the Memorial Day flooding when we get the rain forecast for Thursday when our temp dips to 89.

After that though we’ll be right back to more of this:

Also as you can see I’m back from hiding from Impish, or at least Mr. Green is. Seems the Council that runs D.R.A.G.O.N. as well as Mr. Green has gotten riled up over some world event(s) they are deeming unacceptable to allow to pass without some grand gesture of (hopefully comedic) retribution on our part. More on this later however. For the moment:

 

And the Leprechaun said…

Let there be coffee.
Let it be hot as Hades
and dark as the moonless night.

Let it revive flagging weary sprits
and warm the cockles of the heart.

Be it of comfort and solace
in times of angst and quiet desperation.

Let those whom partake choose between
black and bitter as the heart of a scorned woman
or as light and sweet as the smile of a lover.

Let those of true wisdom refuse any of the impostors
Lattes, Machacados, Americanos, Cappuccinos.

Finally let it set those of courage, resolve
and strength of conviction apart from the
Starbucks and tea drinking pansies of the world.

Triple Digit Heat Indexes Suck!

COME ON CHRISTMAS!

The Top 5 Surprising Terms of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Divorce

Kermit and Miss Piggy from The Muppets announced that they are getting a divorce.

• She gets the lillypad in San Diego, while he keeps the pigsty in South Dakota.
• Kermit’s alimony payments will be based on the monthly Iowa Pork Futures Market Report.
• Kermit agrees to pay the outlandish fees for Miss Piggy’s personal trainer because no one knows more about pig skin fitness except Tom Brady.
• While in public. on-record discourse regarding intimate relations, all parties are expressly forbidden from using the phrase “tastes like chicken.”

And the Number One Surprising Term of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Divorce…

• Legal fees are to be paid from sponsorship revenues provided by the letters F and U and the number 86.

This raccoon really loves milk

 

Was William Shakespeare a stoner?

By Mairi Mackay, CNN Updated 1817 GMT (0117 HKT) August 10, 2015

London (CNN)Was playwright William Shakespeare stoned when he penned masterpieces like “Hamlet” and “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”?

New correspondence published in the South African Journal of Science highlights how an analysis of residue found in early 17th-century tobacco pipes excavated in Stratford-upon-Avon, central England, found indications of cannabis and nicotine. The report, which was first published in 2001, said that several of the pipes came from Shakespeare’s garden.

A kind of cocaine derived from coca leaves was also found in two samples — although neither of those were from the playwright’s property.

The report did not claim to have proof that the Bard smoked cannabis or even that the pipes found in his garden belonged to him.

But author Professor Francis Thackeray, from the Evolutionary Studies Institute at University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa, still speculates that cannabis could have been a source of inspiration for the Bard.

In this month’s journal, he references a line from Shakespeare’s Sonnet 76 that mentions “invention in a noted weed.”

He told CNN via email Monday: “I think that Shakespeare was playing with words and (it) is probably a cryptic reference to cannabis.”

Shakespeare could have enjoyed “the noted weed” for creative writing because it had mind-stimulating properties, he added.

If true, Shakespeare would join a long and illustrious list of writers from Byron to Hunter S. Thompson who have been inspired by drugs.

The study included 24 pipe fragments: cannabis was indicated in eight samples — four of which came from Shakespeare’s garden — nicotine in one sample, and “definite evidence” for Peruvian cocaine from coca leaves in two samples.

‘Compounds strange’

In Shakespeare’s time, various plants were smoked in clay pipes.

In 1597, the botanist John Gerard described a number of different kinds of tobacco in “Herbal,” a botanical encyclopedia.

References include the tobacco plant, nicotania, which the explorer Sir Walter Raleigh is credited with bringing to England from Virginia.

The encyclopedia also describe a special kind of tobacco from Peru — “the henbane of Peru” — which is likely to be cocaine derived from smoking coca leaves, according to Thackeray.

Another explorer, Sir Francis Drake could have brought coca leaves to England after visiting Peru in 1597, notes the botanical encyclopedia.

Shakespeare additionally wrote about “compounds strange,” in Sonnet 76, which may have been a reference to cocaine, said Thackeray in his email to CNN.

Cannabis had been condemned by the church before Shakespeare’s time. “Writers who were explicit about Cannabis could have their books burnt,” Thackeray added.

 

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/mocha-chocolate-icebox-cake.html

Asian coleslaw

Makes 4 servings

It’s best to prepare this salad in advance because the ingredients soften slightly and the flavors nicely blend when it is refrigerated for about an hour. For non-vegetarians, omit the soy nuts and serve the coleslaw as a summer accompaniment to grilled fish.

For the Dressing

¼ cup fresh orange juice
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
2 tablespoons dark (Asian) sesame oil
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon honey
2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh ginger
½ teaspoon Tabasco sauce, or to taste
1/8 teaspoon pepper, or to taste

For the Coleslaw

6 cups coleslaw
½ red bell pepper, cut into ¼-inch strips
½ green bell pepper, cut into ¼-inch strips
½ cup red onion in ¼-inch strips
4 green onions, thinly sliced
½ cup roasted, salted soy nuts

Directions

Whisk together the dressing ingredients in a medium bowl.
Add the slaw ingredients and toss until evenly combined.

Navy: No Charges Against Officer for Weapons Violations in Attack

Stars and Stripes | Aug 06, 2015 | by By Tara Copp

WASHINGTON — Lt. Cmdr. Tim White, the Navy officer who fired a sidearm in defense during the attack on Navy Operational Support Center in Chattanooga, Tenn., will not face charges, an official familiar with the investigation told Stars and Stripes on Wednesday.

White was reported to be one of two service members carrying sidearms at the time of the attack, which could have led to charges. The Department of Defense prohibits all military personnel other than security forces from carrying arms while on base unless they are in a combat zone.

The Navy is still investigating the shooting, where a lone gunman attacked two separate military facilities. The shootings resulted in the deaths of four Marines and one sailor.

Last week, the Navy countered reports that White would be charged, which spurred a national backlash. “At this time we can confirm no service member has been charged with an offense,” the Navy said in a statement.

It also faced a backlash over why troops at “soft” military targets such as recruiting centers — which are often in easy-to-reach places like shopping malls — were not allowed to carry weapons, and Secretary of Defense Ash Carter directed a review to determine how security at these types of facilities could be improved.

 

Man hates Obama, loves stealing vibrators.

An Illinois man has been arrested following an incident in which he tried to steal a vibrator from a sex shop, and, when confronted, tried to blame it all on President Obama.

According to Orland Park Patch, it was just another day at the Lover’s Lane sex shop when an employee noticed “a man walking around the store with a vibrator stuffed down his pants.” (It’s not known at this time whether the vibrator was switched on.) The employee called the cops, who arrived to find him leaving “with a large bulge in his pants.”

When the cops asked what he was packing in there, the man — later identified as Christopher Hucko, 44 — replied obscenely, or at least that’s what one might assume from the fact that much of his reply is “blacked out” in the police report. What’s not blacked out is that Hucko stated “he had a tattoo of a cherry on his penis and asked me if I wanted to see it.”

When the cops searched him and found the stolen goods, he feigned surprise that his pants contained anything but a tattooed dick.

From Patch:

The officer “searched the front of (Hucko’s) pants and under his boxers was a pink ‘G-Spot Delight’ vibrator, which I then removed,” the report said. “I asked Christopher how that got there, to which he replied that he had no idea.”

But it was not until police arrested him and took him to jail that his full motives began to emerge. What seemed like a petty marital aid theft was actually an act of civil disobedience against the forces of bourgeois democracy as symbolized by our oligarchy’s current figurehead:

“While in the cell, Christopher stripped completely naked and would not put his clothes back on,” police said. He reportedly agreed to speak to officers without a lawyer present but merely “proceeded to make comments about his political views and derogatory comments about President Obama.”

When he was asked to sign a form, police said, Hucko put “his name as ‘Obama is a criminal.’”

Makes you wonder what it really was they blacked out in that police report. Wake up, people.

Man has flashlight-like object surgically removed from ass after karaoke bar argument.

A man with the surname Cai checked into the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangzhou’s University of Chinese Medicine in, you guessed it, Guangzhou had an object resembling a flashlight jammed so far up his ass that it required extensive surgery to get it out.

According to Shanghaiist, the object was inserted so deeply that doctors couldn’t just pull it out. They had to surgically remove it through Cai’s abdomen.

Yikes!

“He is in stable condition and will remain in observation for two days to monitor for intestinal bleeding,” Sun Feng, Cai’s attending doctor, told Global Times. “In the past 10 years, the last time I saw such a large object stuck in an anus was a cucumber, in a chef’s anus.”

Good to know.

The object is about 10 inches long with a near inch radius. The Global Times reported that the object may have found its way up Cai’s ass during a family dispute at a karaoke bar. However, Cai isn’t saying shit one way or another.

Hey, we’ve all gotten mad when our song got skipped at karaoke.

Ted Cruz to give ‘courage’ award to man who gave adopted daughters to molester because ‘demons’

Anti-choicers are a curious bunch. They’re gravely concerned for the well-being of fetuses when they’re just clumps of cells clinging to the wall of a uterus, yet as soon as they’re out of the womb, they can go fuck themselves. Oh, did you want to eat lunch at school today? Get a damn job, etc.

The latest example of this phenomenon is the curious case of Ted Cruz and Arkansas state rep Justin Harris. Cruz plans to present Harris and another state rep, Charlene Fite, the Family Council’s “courage award” for their work on legislation that breaks down that pesky wall between church and state and protects “life” by forcing women to carry pregnancies to term against their will. (Note: This group also fights to legally suppress the rights of LGBT people, because of course it does.) Via the Arkansas Times:

The group’s press release say Fite and Harris “demonstrated courage by standing strong in faith when situations were tough at the State Capitol and they did so with grace. They are consistently models of their Christian values in their homes, their communities, and their churches.” It commends the two lawmakers for their work on legislation regarding abortion.

In addition to violating the human rights of women, Harris was recently embroiled in controversy after he “re-homed” two of his adopted daughters with Eric Cameron Francis, a man who ended up sexually abusing one of them, after Harris and his wife grew convinced that they were possessed by demons. This happened after he put pressure on the DHS to let him adopt them in the first place.

The Arkansas Times has a long, detailed, and disturbing report about it, but basically, Harris and his cuckoo bird of a wife adopted three little girls who’d already suffered childhood sexual abuse. They did this despite being advised they weren’t equipped to handle kids with these kinds of problems. Witnesses like the Harrises’ babysitter told the paper that the Harrises began behaving abusively towards the girls after they became convinced that they were possessed by demons, locking one of the girls in her room nearly all the time and watching her with on a closed-circuit camera. They even allegedly hired an exorcist to try to cast their demons out. (The Harrises deny this.) They also accused one of the girls of killing a guinea pig, an accusation others dispute.

When they got sick of trying to cure these traumatized kids’ problems via hocus pocus, they handed them off informally to Eric and Stacey Francis. How courageous. (Fun fact: You can’t even adopt a cat from most shelters without signing a form saying you won’t do this.) Their new dad ended up raping one of the girls and is now in prison for his crime. This directly inspired Arkansas lawmakers to make a law turning that type of unsupervised “re-homing” into a felony. There have been many calls for Harris’ resignation.

When asked if he had any reservations about giving the award to Harris, Cruz replied, “None whatsoever, because the award is specifically for his sponsorship of one of the pro-life bills passed during the session … These awards are given to lawmakers for their sponsorship of specific legislation. That’s it.”

The girls have all since been adopted by people who believe in modern therapeutic techniques and are reportedly doing much better.

 

Donald Trump & Tomi Lahren: 2 Blondes with a Tan, Ready to Tell it Like it is!

 

As I mentioned last week, it’s not just Black lives that matter but all lives contrary to the racist attitude of those who protest the deaths of Black criminals at the hands of police whom they are attacking threatening or otherwise disobeying and causing to fear for their lives. Now the police of one Texas town have gone viral in their attempt to make this very point.

‘Lives Matter’ message from Texas police officers going viral

Trinity Police Department/Facebook

TRINITY, Texas –

A photo of two Texas police officers is going viral.

The Trinity Police Department posted a photo on its Facebook page of Chief Steven Jones and Officer Donald Givens with “His Life Matters” written on their hands with the hashtag #AllLivesMatter.

According to a Trinity TV station, the image was first shared on May 6, but it didn’t gain traction online until the American Conservatives of Color shared it on Monday.

Mrs. Dragon you have my deepest sympathies for Cupid being such an asshat.

Since not all of you are enjoying Impish and my shared delusional story I have elected to move it in my issues to after my closing graphic where you may choose to skip it easily without it impeding your enjoyment of the issue. I feel certain that Impish will adopt this idea as well since it currently represents the best of all the possible options we have come up with &/or discussed so far.

 

As Impish was ruminating on his on the unfairness of an easily aroused, wanton and eager virgin that his health insurance didn’t cover the damage he’d receive from partaking of his increasing grump thoughts are suddenly irrupted by a tingling in places he’s unaccustomed to feeling a tingle in- his earlobes.

This sensation abruptly ceases and is replaced by a well modulated voice.
“Net Call! Net Call! Priority Message follows: All currently unassigned field agents are to report   to D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ with all assigned gear, weapons and specialized transportation immediately! This is not a drill! All training, leaves and specialized schooling is hereby canceled for the duration of this emergency. Any agent unable to report within 4 hours should call control with your eta. Message ends.”

Impish stands unmoving and mouth agape shocked by what he’s just heard when he feels a much more pronounced tingle in his earlobes bordering on a shock followed by the gruff words of Mr. Red “Don’t stand there with your mouth open like a Gecko waiting to catch a fly, like the man said, grab your gear and haul tail”

“Umm there’s a problem with that Mr. Red.”

“Well since I’m currently the entire P.I.T. Resolution Department, I guess you’d better tell me what it is. Possibly the lingering effects from all those impacts to your head today making you unable to fly?”

“No sir I’ve suffered worse face planting on landings. I’m ahh…not sure where the vehicle that’s supposed to be assigned to me is exactly. She umm…sort of drove off on her own maybe a week ago. I figured Mr. Green had her doing something or being outfitted with some new gadget so I didn’t really make a big deal of it.”

“You mean you were so busy… screwing off and shirking your duties… that you didn’t notice and when you did you figured you’d get a tail’s worth of butt chewing for not noticing sooner.”

“I uhh… that is…it’s not like I used or saw her everyday. I mean it she doesn’t exactly blend in!”

“Stow it. Someone will address that with you later rest assured. As for right now, why aren’t you waddling anyplace and top jiggle still ?”

Impish realizes with a start that somehow Mr. Red is able to discern his movements from a distance, or in this case lack of any.
“Uh moving now sir, but there is a second problem, I’m not sure where the HQ is anymore. I mean I know where I met Mr. Green several times but when I went looking for him, ah to discuss important business there, the entrance to the cavern is no longer there”

“You’re transportation will know where it’s going, C2B2 is 5 minutes out from your location and will take 10 minutes to turn around and full arm in her garage bay. Should you become separated from her on the way here, call in for steering cues and navigation information will be supplied via your earrings.”

“Understood. Blue out.”

“One more thing Blue, I’ve been handed a note from Green to caution you against stowaway passengers. The message specifically reads ‘No incidents of stowaway passengers like last time will be tolerated. Suggest if the problem presents itself you use pocket 4 of your vest, specifically the tube with the green and yellow cap but make sure not to get any on your vest or self.”

“Uhh…ok?”

“Don’t worry its non lethal and not even really incapacitating really. Probably actually make you some brownie points with the Ninja Cat Clan if you’re forced to use it. However if you hurry they are all probably still sleeping off their sardine feast and you can avoid any sort of issues which might futher delay you all togeather so put a wiggle in it Jello Butt. Red out.”

Impish shuffles at maximum waddle into his outer office rushing past November who seems to be excitedly riding something that looks like a saddle that’s buzzing behind Terrance’s desk heading right into his office.

“Mr. Dragon wait! Your messages! I really need to discuss some things with you…maybe we could have a dictation session?”

“Uhh… well (Impish swallows suddenly as an image of a very angry Friday and her electric axe pop into his head) Sorry November all that is going to have to wait.I..uhh…had a brilliant idea for my next issue…killer stuff and I need to get it all down before I forget. No interruptions whatsoever, especially not from any of the Ninja Cats. Clear? In fact just keep doing what ever you’re currently doing then take the rest of the day off when you’re finish or exhausted or sated whichever cums..ahh happens first ok? Gotta go!”

November who seems to be now breathing in little gasps and having some difficulty concentrating barely manages to get out
“Ah! Ah! Yes Sir. OH GOD YESSS! Thhhank you sir!” Before Impish slams and locks his door.

Inside He hastily dons his vest, starting towards his private exit before stopping. “No she might hear me leave and try to catch me before I can catch an elevator or I might run into Brutus, Chai or SC. They see my vest they’re going to know something’s a foot. Best I take my emergency exit.”

Impish touches one of the pockets high on the front of his vest, the patio’s French doors swing open and a section of marble railing retracts to ground level. Impish walks up to the edge and before stepping off into mid air says “Subbasement 2 Garage level please!” then plummets from sight as the railing returns to normal height as the patio doors close and lock themselves.

The doors are no sooner closed than they reopen then Big Blue lands on the patio mumbling to himself “Wow that was close! Almost forgot the Sonombulizer. I’m already under enough scrutiny and apparently pushed my luck just about as far as I dare with that little green Napoleon- don’t need him to make me look stupid in front of all of D.R.A.G.O.N. too!”

He hastily opens a desk drawer with his tongue print, grabs the weapon, secures it inside his vest, steps back onto the patio,  and proceeds to again jump over the edge as the Patio doors close. Instead of the traditional ‘Geerronamo!’ You hear ‘Obama’s approval raaaatttiiing!’ as he plummets downwards.

Moments later he wings his way (literally) into C2B2’s garage where she is busily being attended to behind a pair of large dressing screen by at least 2 mechanics and several ordinance handlers. A grizzled barrel of a man with a cork clamped between his teeth where a cigar would be looks up from his clipboard, scowls at Big Blue and pointing at him sounds off like a Drill Sargent at a recruit. “You! Not even a smoke tendril out of you got it? This stuff is supposed to be failsafe and fool proof but my money is on fools like you finding new ways to make bad things happen. Stand there w/o your trap shut and don’t move. She’ll be dressed and decked out with the whole 9 yards in 5 more minutes. We’re having issues with Ninja Cats trying to hide in her weapons bays. You think them fish breathed furballs knew something big was up. We sent for some vinegar to spray them down with to keep them out.”

Impish says nothing but reaches into his vest coming out with one of Lethal’s cigars and the vial Mr. Green had Mr. Red suggest to him. Saying nothing he extends them to the grizzled supervisor who grunts, unwraps the cigar clamping it in the corner of his mouth in place of the cork saying “Dis I know what to do with but what do I do wid but what’s dis other stuff? I ain’t no stoner! Can’t be around no ordinance and be a stoner Really fast recipe for serious unpleasantness dat is!”

Impish casually says “ No you ain’t a stoner, but them cats are…or will be soon. Just put an empty box on one of those ordinance wagons, then have someone open the cargo elevator door and stand ready. You pop the top off that vial- don’t spill any, and toss it in the box. When the box is full of cats you shove it on the elevator. Have the standing by guy ready to press 8 and shut to door fast as he can.”

Old grizzly look at Impish for a minute blinking, suddenly he breaks into a grin of comprehension and shouts out the appropriate instructions. Thirty seconds later, amidst much laughter, the loud angry indignant protestation of several Ninja Cats can be heard receding as the elevator rises with them inside it on the way to the office level. Impish texts Friday & No-name alerting them to the impending arrival of a box load of catnipped up Ninja kitties.

Moments after Chitty Chitty Bang Bang emerges from behind the dressing screens. “So sorry to have kept you waiting, but I do believe whom ever said I could be ready in 10 minutes has never had to wait on a woman getting ready in their life. Shall we Mr. Blue? I do believe we’re under a bit of a deadline and my past experience tells me if we want a position near the front of the pack we should make a good showing of our travel time.”

Big Blue gets the ordinance handlers to help him remove, carefully fold and securely stow his vest as well as the Sonombulizer as he transforms back into his Impish form and climbs aboard sitting in the back seat of C2B2.

“I like a man who is secure enough in his manhood to allow a woman to drive!”

“Actually I’m planning on stretching out for a nap. I’ve had a long hard day already and a bit of a headache. Besides you supposedly already know where we are going, I don’t and I hate asking for directions so let’s be off. Like you said tick tock and all that.”

Blue manages a decent two hour nap for being in a car and airborne. He wakes feeling refreshed and thirsty. As he kneels on the rear seat reaching for the tailgate hamper on Chitty’s rear bumper he calls over his shoulder “Hey Bang-bang Baby! Are we dere yet? How much longer?”  With a deliberate lurch that forces Mr. Blue to sit rather awkwardly to avoid falling out all together, C2B2 rather venomously responds, “I’ve told you before,  it’s C2B2 to you or Miss Chitty or Ma’am you blue winged snake with legs.”

Manners. Maketh. Man. You’d do well to remember that, especially around me Agent 44DD!

Should I remind you that I didn’t come equipped with seatbelts? Or perhaps you’d prefer a practical demonstration? It would save both D.R.A.G.O.N and you the embarrassment of your being captured and tortured by those manner-less, morally deficient, heathens from ISIS before they beheaded you.”

“Tortured and beheaded? By ISIS? Where did that threat come from? You harboring sympathies D.R.A.GO.N. missed?”

“You don’t know? Those Islamic Sheetheaded Inbred Sociopaths (ISIS acronym’s real meaning) have  really gone overboard and gotten totally out of hand in the last week. Their Hackers Division outed the Names, identities and personal info including addresses and phone numbers of over 1400 US Military personnel and their families plus the names of all the employees of the New York & New Jersey Port Authorities and  hung targets on their backs by calling for their followers in all countries to act on and kill those named.

They’ve started taking a page from Saddam’s son Chemical Ali’s play book as well. They’ve recently gassed noncombatant Kurds on at least two separate occasions using Chlorine and Mustard gas.”

“Wow! That put those Kurds…in a bad whey doesn’t it.? HEY! Whaat the….. HOLY SHIT!!!! CHITTTYYY!”

C2B2’s snap barrel roll in response to Blue’s extremely poor taste pun momentarily has him doing an upside-down handstand over the skies of the Dakota Badlands. “I warned you about my lack of seat belts and that pun was not only bad, but in poor taste even for you. You should have been ashamed that you even thought of it but I knew you wouldn’t be.”

“I’m sorry ok? It’s been a hell of a day so far. I’ve had a no notice visitation from a Demon Prince who screwed the barrel of a cannon into my nose to gain my compliance with liberties to be taken upon my person, I’m nervous about what we’re getting into as this is my first Net Call – Report to HQ fully geared up since I joined D.R.A.G.O.N. and I don’t know what to expect. When I’m scared and/or nervous I try for a little levity usually with a couple puns to break the tension ok?”

“Got it all out of your system now?”

“Yes ma’am!”

“Good because there is no humor in going to war with morally bankrupt sociopathic fundamentalist zealots bent of dragging the world back into their vision of the 6th century. Now keep your mouth shut while you think on that for a few minutes. Meanwhile I’ll concentrate on trying to thread the curving needle that is the iris of Teddy Roosevelt’s right eye at high speed in the dark without turning us into a Jackson Pollack wabbe be along the tunnel’s walls.”

“Ulp! you mean we’re going to….”

“Nope I mean we are about to right now because we’re here. Now please cross your fingers toes wings and forked tongue. Oh yeah you might also want to duck pretty low as there isn’t a lot of room in these tunnels but most of all just SHUT UP!”

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to another issue of your favorite ezine!

Yes, tis I!  The great and all powerful Oz… or…um…Impish Dragon.  Pay no attention to the dragon behind the curtain.

Okay, so it’s late Friday night and I’m putting this baby to bed.  It will be published in less than 4 hours at the bright time of 0200 hrs Eastern time.  Diaman will be the first to view it, as she normally does (I swear that beautiful woman keeps the oddest of hours) and by this time tomorrow, for most of you, the joy and happiness will be nothing but a memory.  But, I digress.  It’s time to open this baby and get to laughing. 

Warning: Do not attempt to drink hot liquids while reading this ezine for fear of said hot liquid shooting out your nose.

 

 

 

 

 

Dragons play this great game called “Hide-and-Eat”.  Here’s a really good photograph taken at the last annual “Hide-and-Eat” worldwide championships.  The dragon pictured was the all time winner for almost 100 years running.  He was really mad at me when I took the title from him last year.  I caught this picture during one of his rare quadruple baggers.  It was this snag that almost beat me.  Thank goodness for that delay outside the studio where the David Letterman show was having his final show.  I managed to get the first ever Dirty-Dozen in the history of the game.  Those people in line never knew what hit them!  It was their own fault, they shouldn’t have shown up so early.

 

 

I just got my first utility bill for the new house and I think I need to install the same system.  Holy crap!

 

An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him down to the emergency room. After a while, the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.  “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain dead, but his heart is still beating.” “Oh, dear God,” cried his wife, “We’ve never had a liberal democrat in the family before!”

 

 

 

Here’s a great golf joke for you, Dad:

At our last party, I do believe it was the Independence Day party, we had a lot of things for your kids to do.  This was part of the petting zoo.  Sadly, the unicorn wasn’t around very long since it really didn’t care for the boys and most of the older girls.

 

 

That makes perfect sense to me.  He should be left in a completely locked room with a computer that gives him nothing but a 404 error code.

 

I want one!!!!!  This is so cool!

 

 

 

 

Okay, here’s one I haven’t featured in a long time…found these videos that show what I used to do for a living:

And then this one shows the gun being loaded:

And what is the final result?:

and this one:

Yeah, I got to play with some really cool toys!

 

This is a message that was put out by our Security Forces on base:

Community: Phone Calls Allegedly from Indiana State Police are “Spoof” Scam Calls

Indianapolis, IN – The published public phone number of 317-232-8248 for the Indiana State Police General Headquarters in downtown Indianapolis, Indiana is reported to have been spoofed over the last 24 hours.

As defined by TechTarget <http://searchtelecom.techtarget.com/definition/caller-ID-spoofing> , caller ID spoofing is a service that allows a caller to masquerade as someone else by falsifying the number that appears on the recipient’s caller ID display.  Just as e-mail spoofing can make it appear that a message came from any e-mail address the sender chooses, caller ID spoofing can make a call appear to come from any phone number the caller wishes.

People reporting the spoof calls have stated their caller ID displayed the phone number of 317-232-8248 and the person calling identified themselves as being with the Indiana State Police.  From the complaints thus far received, which have been from across the country, it has been reported the caller usually has what is described as “a thick Indian accent” but not necessarily all the time.  The imposter then begins asking for personal identification information or makes threats alleging the person being called will be arrested if they fail to comply with requests made during the phone call.

Fortunately a number of potential victims became suspicious of the call, hung up the phone, and then dialed the number displayed on their caller ID.  This put them in touch with the true Indiana State Police and allowed them to report the criminal action of impersonating a police officer.

Anyone receiving an unsolicited phone call from a person alleging to be a law enforcement officer, or other form of government official should be suspicious of the call if threats of arrest are made or personal information one would not normally provide to a stranger is asked for.  If you are suspicious of a call, and a caller ID number is displayed, you can immediately do one of two things, AFTER YOU HANG UP:

1. Type the phone number into your favorite search engine and you may see the number has been reported as being associated to scam activity.
2. Call back the number displayed to see if it was spoofed and the call will either ring without ever being answered or the true holder of the phone number will answer and you can report the number has been spoofed to the legitimate holder of the phone number

As with past warnings on alleged government representatives calling to threaten immediate jailing for not cooperating with the person calling, please remember to NEVER give personal information to the caller.  Such personal information to never give over the phone to an unverified caller would include:

* Bank Account Numbers
* Social Security Number
* Birth Date
* Credit Card Numbers
* Any other close personal information on yourself or other family members

Regrettably, these scams nearly always trace back to a foreign country and it is virtually impossible to successfully prosecute the persons responsible for these criminal acts.Unfortunately these scams will continue as long as a percentage of the population responds by giving their personal information or sends money to the scammers.

When an unsolicited call comes to your home, business or cell phone and has the common factors of being threatening and demanding money, be assured that 99.9% of the time it is a scam. Just hang-up. They won’t call back. They will just move on to the next call looking for someone to victimize.

 

 

Hmmm, could this be Mr. Blue’s next vehicle?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Impish jerks his head up, sputtering, “What the hell is … Ugh!  How the heck did I …  WHERE DID THIS COFFEE COME FROM?!” He looks up just in time to see Brutus’s tail disappear into the wall.  “Am I imagining that?” Impish realizes that he must have just witnessed where the Ninja Kitties secret cat door is in the wall.  He goes over to investigate, forgetting, after clamoring to his feet, that his stone floor is slick with coffee and ends up crashing back to the floor, head over heels, smacks his substantial noggin on the equally substantial rock floor and knocks himself back into unconsciousness.

Several hours later, he awakens to more liquid being splashed into his face.  He again, jerks his head up, sputtering, “What the hell!” Only to look up and see the most beautiful pair of legs he’s ever seen.  Slowly raising his eyes upward, following the curve of the well-defined calf muscles, to the adorably cute little knee caps, that transition to the exquisitely shapely thighs that disappear into the bottom of the skirt, revealing an almost perceptible hidden treasure.  His eyes linger only momentarily as they again travel up the shapely outline and overly endowed top half of his new secretary, November.  As he gazes longingly up at her angelic face, in his mind’s eye it changes to that of Friday, repeating those dreaded words his heard so many times now, “If you lay a single hand on her…”

 

Impish struggles to his feet, brushing himself off and hears November say, “I’m so sorry Mr. Dragon, but I had no idea how else to wake you.  I thought you might be dead, but I heard your snores coming through the door and I just HAD to open it and I saw you on the floor, but when I called your name you wouldn’t answer and you were late for work, even later than you usually are for work, so I came looking for you and found you here and….

 

Impish holds up his hand to stop the cascade of words that seem to be erupting from between his temporary secretary’s very attractive lips.  Friday’s words echo again through his mind and he pulls himself together enough to say, “Dear girl, that’s quite alright.  You did the right thing.  Seems I must’ve slipped and knocked myself out somehow last night.” He was not going to mention his late night visitor.

“Do you know if Mr. Leprechaun is back in residence today or not?”

 

“Um, no sir.  I don’t believe he is.”

 

“Well then.  While the cat’s away…”

 

“Sir, I’m afraid that there won’t be any mice playing today.  It’s Friday and the issue goes to press in just a few hours and since your little fall has held you up, unavoidably of course, you still have much to do to finish off the issue.  You remember that you promised to get back to publishing up to your normal stellar quality and you’re running out of time today.”

 

“Wow!  Did someone wind your clock extra tight this morning, November?  You seem to be running in 5^th gear.”

 

“Um.  No, sir.  I’m … ah…just feeling a little … um … over excited this morning.”

 

“Again, call me Impish.  Well, let’s see if we can’t get you cooled off a little.  Let’s go up to …”

 

“Oh yes, Impish.  I’d really like to get this excitement taken care of!”

 

Forcibly refusing to rise to the obviously offered tasty morsel, Impish instead says, “Yes…um… quite right.  You run along to the office and I’ll … uh … be right behind your behind … or … um … be right … I’ll catch you … catch UP to you in a few minutes.  Now, run along.”  The last being said as he corralled her out the door, closing it behind her and turning and resting his back against the closed door.  “Holy crap!  I’m dead meat!  I can’t handle this all day.  I’ll slip and Friday will kill me!  I’ve got to do something.”

 

And with that thought, our reluctant hero trots into his bathroom on-suite and plunges into the ice cold pond, where he almost boils the water.

After drying off, getting dressed, dumping a load of ice down the front of his pants, Impish finally felt ready to approach the office.  It was at that time that he looked in the mirror and saw his second earring, and noticed that the first one seemed to be sitting a little differently than it was before.  Wondering how it worked, he began tapping it, squeezing it and saying, “Hello?  Hello?  Mr. Green?  Mr. Gray?  Mr. Red?  Anybody out there?  How do I get this silly thing to work?”

 

“Mr. Blue.  Stop playin’ wid dat new toy of yours.  When you need to talk to sum one, you just say der name and da system automatically alerts dem.  Don’t mean dey’s gonna anser ya, but dat’s alert’s dem.”

 

“Then why didn’t Mr. Green answer me?  I need to talk to him.”

 

“He’s prolly got you shut off.  Just like I’m gonna do right now!”

 

“Thanks Mr. Red…um … Mr. Red?  Are you still there? Mr. Red?  Green?  Damn!  What good is an ear piece if I can’t use it!?

 

Realizing he has no excuse to not go up to his office at this point, he begins to slog his way in that direction, shoulders slumped, resembling more a man on the way to the gallows than one who is headed to his opulent office.  He considers this only momentarily when he realizes that as “excited” as his November is, Friday will probably beat him so badly that he’d wish he was only headed to the gallows.  If he’d only known that he wasn’t going to even make it to his office, and the events that were going to unfold by his chance stop in the coffee room, he’d have gladly put the noose around his own neck.

Heat Watches here because of the high temps and humidity have been a daily occurrence for over a week now. As of Saturday these Watches have become Warnings, which means they Heat Index is pushing the perceived temperature our body feels into the potentially deadly category of 110 degrees or higher.

As a result I’ve dragged Molly off with me someplace far cooler. This has made conducting my business keeping remote watch over DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises and my other concerns (to say nothing of monitoring Impish’s activities, or lack there of) somewhat problematic. I had to do all this in some level or relative comfort while hiding out from Impish who has apparently been misusing certain assets to hunt for me- no doubt so he can sob story me into allowing him to foist his issue or a large part of it off on me again. I hope he understands just how expensive drone and satellite time are, because he’s likely to be extremely displeased when they are deducted from his second pay stipend. Which I might add is about to be docked as a result of his extended stay in fantasy land.

ANYWAY I finally discovered this little gem:

which when parked becomes this:

and even included the motorcycle for quick jaunts to local markets for supplies (like coffee and Bass Ale for me or wine and chocolate for Molly). Having a rather modernistic well thought out interior:

what it lacks in plushness and luxury amenities if more than makes up for by sporting a computer set up with multiple satellite connections I can run and keep track of all my interests and problems when not relaxing:

With the dashboard activated options of 2 4 or 6 wheel drive:

I can  go just about any place I have in mind and with a large carefully placed for easy deployment in minutes Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device Sunscreen and trap overhead I can hide from the Blue one’s insistent and incessant buttinski tendencies.

Now if you’ll all excuse me I hear a skillet of hash and eggs with some campfire perked coffee and sourdough biscuits calling me. I’ll catch up with you later on after I tend to these vittles.

Oh and Impish? I read your issue. One semi decent issue doesn’t get you off the hook, with me, Personnel or Payroll you’ve been gold bricking for more than a fiscal quarter now.

 

Or more accurately, other people have a problem if I’m without it!

Now I’m not saying what the dentist did was ok or wasn’t wrong. What I am saying is that this nations perspectives and priorities are seriously screwed up and misplaced.

The Top 5 Upsides to Being Donald Trump’s Image Consultant

Being Donald Trump’s image consultant must rank right
up there with difficult jobs like Iraq democracy
bringer and Tyler Perry movie test audience member.
Trump’s last image consultant found that out
after Trump fired him for letting Buzzfeed
publish a really unflattering profile of his boss.
Read all about it here.
That means that in this dour economy, there’s
a job opening out there somewhere and before you
make a sad face about having to work for the world’s
biggest egomaniac, considering the following…

1. Play your cards right, and you can score an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii to double-check Obama’s birth certificate!
2. Constantly holding a mirror for your boss to bask in is good for your triceps and deltoids.
3. If you can make him less irritating, it will make you famous and definitely lead directly to a seven-figure endorsement deal with Preparation H.
4. With your experience, you’ll be a shoe-in for the next opening on Kim Jong Un’s PR staff.

And the Number One Upside to Being Donald Trump’s Image Consultant…

1. There’s no chance you’ll be accused of sucking up to the boss.

Trump: I Don’t Have Time For Political Correctness and Neither Does This Country.

Megyn Kelly calls out Donald Trump for sexist remarks from his Twitter history. “You’ve called women you don’t like ‘fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals.'”
“Only Rosie O’Donnell,” laughs Trump, before turning serious. “I’ve been challenged by so many people and I don’t frankly have time for total political correctness. And to be honest with you, this country doesn’t have time either. This country is in big trouble.”

MEGYN KELLY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL: Mr. Trump, one of the things people love about you is you speak your mind and you don’t use a politician’s filter. However that is not without its downsides, in particular when it comes to women. You’ve called women you don’t like fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals. Your Twitter account has several disparaging comments about women’s looks. You once told a contestant that it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees.
Does that sound like the temperament of a man we should elect as president?
And how do you answer the charge from Hillary Clinton, who is likely to be the Democratic nominee, that you are part of the war on women?

TRUMP: The big problem this country has is being politically correct. I’ve been challenged by so many people and I don’t frankly have time for total political correctness. And to be honest with you, this country doesn’t have time either. This country is in big trouble. We don’t win anymore. We lose to China, we lose to Mexico both in trade and at the border. We lose to everybody. Frankly what I say and oftentimes it’s fun, it’s kidding, we have a good time. What I say is what I say. And honestly, Megyn if you don’t like it, I’m sorry. I’ve been very nice to you although I could probably not be based on the way you have treated me, but I wouldn’t do that. But you know what? We, we need strength, we need energy, we need quickness and we need brain in this country to turn it around. That I can tell you right now.

[The highlighting above is my own]

If the trend showing below continues, the above is starting to look more & more possible

The jaw-dropping rehabilitation of Donald Trump’s image

By Philip Bump August 6 at 1:05 PM

For all of the focus on polling over the last weeks — a side effect of Fox News’ decision to limit its debate to the top 10 candidates in national polls — there really haven’t been that many polls since May. There have been 23 surveys, according to Real Clear Politics, which is a lot in general. But for those of us who like to obsess over the figures, there are huge gaps.

Particularly since not every poll asks every question or about every candidate. If we want to track the favorability of, say, Ohio Gov. John Kasich over time, it’s tricky to find enough poll data to be particularly useful. (Part of this is his fault: He jumped into the campaign very late, with the goal of riding his announcement bump into the debate.) (Which worked.) Other people are left off of polls because asking about the favorability of 17 candidates — only, say, four of whom anyone has ever heard of — gets a bit tedious. But it’s worth tracking.

After all, you’ve probably seen this graph, which is the Real Clear Politics polling average over time. The dark red line on there is Donald Trump, who wasn’t even included in the RCP average at the beginning of May, leapfrogging everyone with great relish.

That’s interesting. But what’s more interesting is what’s happened to his image. We pulled a series of recent polls back to May (listed at the bottom of this post) to see how each of the 10 main debate participants’ net favorability — those who view them favorably minus those who view them negatively — has shifted in the past few months.

And without further ado, this is Donald Trump’s staggering chart.

That’s … amazing.

He’s still not viewed as favorably as many of the other candidates, mind you. He has a fervent core of support which has grown and pulled up his favorability — and with it, his overall favorability.

But no one else looks like that. Nearly everyone else, shown below, has stayed relatively flat both among Republican voters and all voters.

See the rest of the candidate’s charts here: The jaw-dropping rehabilitation of Donald Trump’s image  or watch the highlights of his comments right now.

Donald Trump Debate Highlights

 

With the previously mentioned Heat Advisory going on and the triple digit temps going into their second week now you can bet that cooking smart so as to create as little heat and spend the minimum amount of time required in the kitchen is the order of the day here at Camp Shamrock. Even grilling outdoor has lost its appeal. I mean seriously who want to step outside into feels like 110  degrees in the shade and stand near something even hotter?

So this weeks recipes focus on eating good while making as little heat as possible while cooking it.

Individual Key Lime Pies

Total Time: 2 hr. 50 min
Prep: 40 min
Inactive: 2 hr.
Cook: 10 min
Yield:1 2 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

Lime Curd:

1 cup lime juice
2 cups sugar
2 sticks unsalted butter
14 eggs

Crust Layer:

1/3 cup sugar
12 whole graham crackers
1/3 cup unsalted butter, melted

Topping:

1 1/2 cups whipping cream
1/2 cup powdered sugar
Lime zest, for garnish

Directions

For the lime curd: Combine the lime juice, sugar and butter in a medium saucepan and cook on a low flame until the butter melts. Beat the eggs, add to the saucepan and stir until combined. Bring to a simmer. Stir constantly and cook until the mixture is a thick and creamy consistency, 5 to7 minutes. Pass through a mesh strainer. Chill for 2 hours in the fridge.

For the crust: Add the sugar and graham crackers to a food processor. Pour in the melted butter and pulse to combine.

For the topping: Whip the cream with the sugar until stiff.

To assemble, layer the crumb mixture into the bottom of a serving cup, followed by the lime curd. Top with the whipped cream mixture and garnish with lime zest.

Frozen Mojito

Total Time: 15 min
Prep: 15 min
Yield:2 servings
Level:Easy

 

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

1/4 cup simple syrup (equal parts sugar and water boiled together until sugar melts)
2 limes, juiced
12 fresh mint leaves, plus mint sprigs for garnish
4 ounces white rum
2 cups crushed ice

Directions

Combine simple syrup, lime juice and mint leaves in a blender and blend until combined. Add the rum and crushed ice and blend until frothy. Pour into 2 rocks glasses and garnish with mint sprigs.

4-Ingredient Slow Cooker Salsa Verde Chicken

This 4-Ingredient Slow Cooker Salsa Verde Chicken is super easy to make, full of flavor, and can be used in all sorts of recipes

Prep: 5 mins

Cook: 4 hours

Total: 4 hours 5 mins

Ingredients:

• 6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 2 cups salsa verde
• 1 bottle beer*
• 2 teaspoons cumin
• salt and black pepper
• (optional: 1 jalapeno, stem removed and diced, leaving the seeds in for extra heat if desired)

Directions:

Add chicken to the slow cooker. Top with salsa verde and beer, and sprinkle with cumin and season with a few generous pinches of salt and a pinch of pepper. Use a pair of tons or a spoon to turn the chicken so that both sides are coated. Cover. Cook for 3-4 hours on high heat, or 7-8 hours on low heat.

The chicken is ready when easily shreds with a fork. Shred the chicken in the slow cooker, and toss with the juices. Then remove the chicken with a slotted spoon and serve warm. Or, store the shredded chicken in a sealed container in the refrigerator for up to 5 days, or in the freezer for up to 3 months.

*If you want to make this gluten-free, you can either use gluten-free beer. Or replace the beer with chicken broth.

Salsa Verde is just Spanish for ‘green salsa’. It’s made with Tomatillos as opposed to tomatoes hence the green color. You can very easily substitute regular salsa for Salsa verde which is in fact what we normally do here. If you want something more BBQish or spicier, try a bottle of Heinz 57 and the beer.

Also you can easily substitute pork of beef for the chicken, I use boneless pork or chuck roast both cut into large chunks to make the cooking faster and the shredding easier. The Heinz 57 and pork version is a favorite sandwich filling for college footballs season around here.

There is no limit to what you can do with this, Tacos, burritos, salad topping, pita pockets, sandwiches, beside rice & beans, atop nachos or mac & cheese

Slow Cooker Orange Chicken Recipe

I’ve made lemon chicken a few times in the slow cooker, and was impressed with the results. I tested out the same recipe with orange juice instead of lemonade, and guess what? Instant orange sauce, without ingesting tons of deep-fried grease.

The Ingredients.

1 1/2 pounds boneless chicken, cut in 2-inch chunks
1/2 cup flour (I used Pamela’s Baking Mix)
olive oil, for browning the chicken
1 tablespoon kosher salt
6 ounces (1/2 can) frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed (I’d opt for little-to-no pulp. The pulp can taste a bit bitter when cooked)
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
3 tablespoons ketchup

Optional:
1 bunch scallions/green onions sliced on the bias
1 clove garlic chopped
1 pinch of red pepper flakes to taste

NOTE: If you are using iodized or table salt, 1 teaspoon of salt will be too much. Kosher salt doesn’t taste as “salty” as regular salt, and since the granules are larger, you don’t get as much in the tablespoon as you would with regular salt. Adjust accordingly.

The Directions.

Use a 4 quart slow cooker for best results. Dredge the chicken pieces with the flour, and shake off the excess. Go ahead and throw away any remaining flour, we won’t need it. Heat olive oil in a large skillet on the stove and brown the chicken on all sides. There is no need to fully cook it, just sear it enough for the flour to stick and get a nice coating.

Plop the chicken pieces into your slow cooker. In a small mixing bowl, combine the orange juice concentrate, brown sugar, balsamic vinegar, salt, and ketchup. Taste. If you’d like the chicken to be a bit sweeter, add a touch more sugar. Pour sauce mixture evenly over the chicken, and toss gingerly to coat.

Cover and cook on low for 6 hours, or on high for 3 to 4. Serve over white or brown rice.

You want to know what matters? LAW AND ORDER matters! JUSTICE matters! TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE’S ACTIONS matters! POLICE LIVES matter! PROTECTION FROM THE CRIMINAL ACTIONS OF EVERY BLACK THAT TAKES IT IN THEIR HEAD THAT THEY ARE ABOVE THE LAW AND ARE OWED YOUR MATERIAL POSSESSIONS matters!

NEARLY EVERY ONE OF THESE “BLACK LIVES MATTER” SITUATIONS WERE THE RESULT OF SITUATION AND CONFRONTATIONS INSTIGATED BY THE BLACK PREPATRATOR OF A CRIME!

They occurred because the unspoken flip side of “Black Lives Matter” is “Blacks Don’t Have To Obey Laws, Listen To Police Or Pay The Price For Doing The Crime!”

We do owe Michael Brown one debt of gratitude however, he’s clearly demonstrated to the entire Black Community at large that John Wayne knew what he was talking about when he said

‘Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.’

as well as for proving that the Duke’s words were color blind.

I can’t believe I have to do this again! I hate my job! I’m going to hate myself for this I’m SO going to wind up going to some Liberal run hell for this and be forced to sit between Hillary and Jimmy Carter for this! Ladies and Gents once again I, most reluctantly find my self in the rapidly moving from awkward to totally disagreeable position of (President Regan forgive me!) being forced to publically admit that Ralph Nader has an extremely spot on point and a damned fine idea.

Please believe me when I tell you it hurts me far more to have to admit that and publish this than it does for you to read it.

Ralph Nader: Sending citizens summons to members of Congress

There are many issues affecting you and your communities that need to be addressed by members of Congress. Over the years, it has become increasingly difficult to reach the legislators in Washington, DC and when they return to their districts and states, they often only attend public events and ceremonies where they do little more than shake hands and smile.

The diminishing number of in-person town meetings by members of Congress are often stacked and controlled. The locations, attendees, and even sometimes pre-screened questions fail to provide citizens an opportunity to make their case to their legislators. Politicians crave predictability; they are control freaks.

Our five hundred and thirty-five Senators and Representatives need to be reminded that they were sent to Washington, DC by voters back home who entrusted them with the well-being of their communities and country. Many of these lawmakers then become indentured to corporate campaign cash that they must constantly beg for, often compromising with what is in the best interest of their constituents. For all this corporate campaign cash, these corporations want something in return – government contracts, giveaways, tax loopholes, weak corporate law enforcement, and other privileges and immunities, especially for giant multinational corporations that have tightened their grips of crony capitalism on Washington.

So what happened to your votes and your trust in your elected representatives? They were nullified and replaced with ungrateful politicians who have forgotten that the authority lies with the people.

It is time, during this August recess, for “We the People” to shake up the Congress and shake up the politics across the land. If anyone is skeptical of this possibility, they should recall August 2009 when the Tea Party noisily filled the seats of some town meetings called by Senators and Representatives in a Congress run by the Democrats. That is how the Tea Party movement came to public visibility, with the daily help of Fox News.

My proposal of a Citizens Summons can begin the process of showing your elected legislators who is truly in charge, as befits the Preamble to the Constitution – “We the People.” I am including below a draft Citizens Summons to your Senators or Representative. It covers the main derelictions of the Congress, under which you can add more examples of necessary reforms.

Your task is to start collecting signatures of citizens, members of citizen groups, labor unions, and any other associations that want a more deliberative democracy. The ultimate objective is to reduce inequalities of power.

Shifting power from the few to the many prevents the gross distortions of our Constitution and laws, our public budgets, and our commonwealth, that currently favor the burgeoning corporate state.

May you give your lawmakers a memorable August recess; they deserve to be shown the workings of what our founding fathers called “the sovereignty of the people.”

[Bold font is my doing.]

Citizens Summons to Members of Congress

Whereas, the Congress has tolerated the expansion of an electoral process, corrupted by money, that nullifies our votes and commercializes both congressional elections and subsequent legislation, creating a Congress that is chronically for sale;

Whereas, the Congress has repeatedly supported or opposed legislation and diverted the taxpayer dollars to favor the crassest of corporate interests to the serious detriment of the American people, their necessities, and their public facilities – such as access to safer consumer products, health care, and other basic social safety services. It has opposed raising the inflation-ravaged minimum wage and fair taxation, allowed endemic waste, fraud, and abuse by contractors, and authorized massive corporate welfare subsidies and giveaways;

Whereas, the Congress has narrowed or blocked access to justice by millions of Americans, leaving them unprotected and defenseless in many serious ways, while giving business corporations preferential treatments and allowing them full access to influence the three branches of government;

Whereas, the Congress has imposed trade treaty despotisms over our democratic institutions – the courts, legislatures, and executive departments and agencies – subordinating our domestic branches of government’s abilities to preserve and enhance labor, consumer, and environmental standards to the domination of global commerce’s “bottom line” and endorsed the usurpation of our judicial process by secret tribunals under the WTO, and other similar invasions of U.S. sovereignty;

Whereas, the access to members of Congress has increased for corporate lobbyists and decreased for ordinary citizens, Therefore, the citizens of the [INSERT state (for Senators) or the congressional district (for Representatives)] hereby Summon you to a town meeting(s) during the August recess (ending September 7, 2015) at a place of known public convenience. Your constituents will establish an agenda of how Congress should shift long overdue power from the few to the many, both in substantive policy and through the strengthening of government and civic institutions;

We deem this Summons to be taken with the utmost seriousness as we gain grassroots support throughout your congressional district (or state for Senators). We expect to hear from you expeditiously so that the necessary planning for our town meeting can take place. This Peoples’ Town Meeting reflects the Preamble to the Constitution that starts with “We the People” and the supremacy of the sovereignty of the people over elected representatives and corporate entities;

Be advised that this Summons calls for your attendance at a Town Meeting run by, of, and for the People. Please reserve a minimum of two hours for this serious exercise of deliberative democracy.

Sincerely yours,

The names of citizens and citizen groups

The only forgotten item is to actually insert the location of the meeting.

Actually upon reflection, this seems to be something I have been saying for quite some time, that Congress and all our elected officials are ignoring the will of WE THE PEOPLE. I don’t think anyone here will disagree that our interests have been sold out to the corporations by professional politicians who only care about us when its election time and immediately suffer a rather complete case of Constitutional Amnesia on November 12th lasting until the next election cycle rolls round. Nader just used his lawyer’s education to put it in words the politicians will notice and understand

http://www.registercitizen.com/opinion/20150724/ralph-nader-sending-citizens-summons-to-members-of-congress

 

Impish sat with his coffee trying to figure out how fast he could crank out a minimally acceptable issue or how to trick Lethal into helping by providing him with the graphics for 1/2 the issue like he did last Saturday and again forget to give him any credit. His problem was it couldn’t look like he’d done either. His concentration was suddenly broken by the sound of tapping on the glass of his private patio’s French Doors. Since the patio was a full 400 feet up the unscalable side of the mountain, he simply called out “Screw you Lethal! You want to talk to me don’t send a drone you come do it face to face, sneak little shit to Dragon. I’m busy so you’d better make an appointment with my new secretary too.”

Brutus rouses briefly from his pretend reverie surveillance at the noise of the tapping and Impish’s voice to regard the silhouette at the patio door before growing more animated.  “Merow? Merll Broow!” Suddenly papers go flying as Brutus dashes the depth of Impish’s desk, leaping onto the arm of Impish desk chair and climbing up the backrest before launching himself recklessly at the French Doors curtains, which via ample application of his famous big sharps he,  much to Impish’s horrified consternation scales expertly while purring loudly tail thrashing excitedly all the while.

The tapping grows louder now and more rapid as if the person outside was attempting to convey his annoyance with being kept waiting for admission to Impish’s office. A card is pressed against the glass by a very large red stone finger which is in turn attached to an even larger red stone hand. Impish manages to tear his vision away from the shambles Brutus is making of his curtains in his efforts to reach the person outside the doors long enough to notice the card is an ID for a D.R.A.G.O.N Management level agent.  The ID reads Mr. Red P.I.T. Resolution Department.

As Impish opened the door Brutus flips onto Impish’s shoulder then launches himself at the figure obscured by the wide brimmed hat and huge duster coat both of which are well worn. Mr. Red immediately transfers Brutus to one impossibly broad shoulder where he commences rubbing himself all over Mr. Red’s cheek and jaw purring loudly while his very animated tail thrashes on the duster.

“Hey dere kiddo! Heard you got a little big for your tail and let your ego write a check your 5 lives couldn’t cash huh? Told you those claws weren’t going to get you out of every situation!”

“Meh? Pffft! Mernoo. PURR!”

“My red tailed ass! The way I hear it you got lucky!”

“Mmelll… maow.” Brutus hangs his head slightly and begins kneading this shoulder under him.

“Yeah! About what I thought! Seems to me we had an agreement about this very sort of thing when I first talked SC & Chai into this arrangement.” Brutus pointedly turns  away from Mr. Red and intently studies the scene outside the French Doors.

“OK play it like that then. I guess I’ll just have to eat all these Norwegian Sardines I brought along by myself then.”

“MAOW?! Misshes?” Brutus once again begins rubbing against Red’s jaw line and finger emphatically before losing all pretense of dignity, flopping on his side, grabbing the proffered finder with all four paws and pulling it in to scratch his belly.
“So we’re in agreement then? No more ill considered field work for you then right? Cause next time I’ll bring Liz and you know how she gets when one of you gets hurt right?”
Brutus looks totally serious, or at least as serious as a cat rolling on its back all four paws in the air while getting its belly scratched can when he responds “Mep! Purr! Missshes? Mernow?”

“No I got bidnz with dis Impish guy first then we have lunch”

While this exchange has been going on Impish figures to capitalize on Red’s distraction by taking the opportunity to grab and examine  the ID card still in Red’s other hand reasoning such a card might well come in handy at some point. If he knew what one looked like then he could probably Photoshop up a decent fake and have a few of the print shop dwarves with a lucrative forging side business they didn’t think anyone knew about make him one in exchange for his continued silence. just as he manages to get his hand on the card and is about to yank it from Red’s grasp a red barbed tail come whipping out from under the coat to slap his hand sharply. It then stations it self momentarily between Impish and the ID card waving back and forth briefly in a no-no gesture before disappearing back under the duster as fast as it appeared.

“OW! What the HELL was that? A barbed tail? Only demons have those!
Who are you? How did you get on my Patio? It’s 400 feet up an unscalable mountain side!
For that matter why are you even here?
I have half a mind to call Security right now and have them throw you back off the patio so you better start explaining!” Impish begins edging back away from Mr. Red towards his desk and it’s hidden panic button.

“Well at least we agree on something! That’s a start.”

“What that I should call security?”

“Nope. I agree you have half a mind…at best right now. But I’m here to fix that for you Mr. Blue.”

“WHO are you exactly? Fix WHAT? What is the ‘P.I.T. Resolution Department’? It’s never been mentioned in any of my briefings.” Impish is still making for his desk as surreptitiously but swiftly as possible while deeply regretting that Lethal wasn’t in his office next door.

“Like the ID says, I’m Mr. Red. I’m new to D.R.A.G.O.N.  as is the P.I.T. Resolution Department. P.I.T. stands for Problems, Issues and Trouble. I’m responsible for the resolution of any affecting D.R.A.G.O.N. I specialize in troubleshooting, or to put it another way I shoot trouble until it no long Trouble a Problem or even an Issue for us.
But let me answer the question you are really asking in the hope it will make my visit here go more smoothly.”

He doffs the wide brim hat that has been obscuring most of his features from Impish, places Brutus gentle inside and then sails the hat onto Impish desk much to Brutus’ apparent delight. Opening the duster he tucks the sides into the back of his belt displaying to very large holsters as well as several pouches.

“You know me now Blue?”

“You…you’re…YOU’RE HIM… HELL BOY!”

“Hey! Icknsae on da Nameska dere pal! Remember da rulz.”

“Oh right…my bad…sorry!”

“In fact how about if you don’t mind you just concentrate on keeping your teeth together and ears open and this will go a whole lot faster ok?”

Impish teeth chattering loudly in apprehension just nods.

“Ok maybe we’ll settle for your just not talking and doing a lot of listening. Them chattering teeth are really annoying.

Look, relax, it ain’t so bad. See here’s the deal, dat earring you got from the Ninja kitties didn’t get installed quite right and as a result only works some time. Plus it wasn’t ever meant to operate as a single on something as large and magical as a dragon.
Dis is a problem and dat problem? Well its starting to be an issue because its making trouble, you see? So I’m here to fix all dat by correcting the install on duh one you got and install it’s matching partner in your other ear. Bada-bing, Bada-boom no more P.I or T and I go home and you get on with your day.

Now dere ain’t no reason dis can’t go really quick and easy, but I see the apprehension in your eyes so let me just say dat I promise you one way or another dis problem gonna be resolved before I leave here today, get my meaning? OK you talk now.”

“What if I refuse? I mean how do I know this is on the up and up? This is the first I’m hearing of any of this. Hell I didn’t even get consulted about the first earring and I let it slide so now there’s going to be two earrings? What’s next a nose ring? Maybe a Prince Albert? <both of them shudder in a moment of male solidarity>

“Yeah I hear you on the being uninformed but that was sort of a tactical decision once they figured out what the problem was. Apparently it worked pretty well the first time, aside from not being seated fully so they didn’t want to give you a chance to try and weasel out of it or run and hide this time either. As for refusing, that’s not an option that’s on the table for you.”

“Just a damned minute now! Ok you might be Hel…HIM, but hey- dragon here! You might want to keep that in mind because I think ol’ Big Blue might have a lot to say about all of this!”

“See you weren’t entirely listening and paying attention when I explained who and what I was before. You still don’t quite get it, I’m a troubleshooter. That means you’re a good little cuddly form dragon, co-operate by doing this the easy way and I’m gone in 5 minutes or..”

“OR WHAT?!” Impish’s voice deepens as he starts looking angry and his eyes begin to darken and glow, sure signs of an impending appearance by Big Blue.

Impish suddenly finds himself staring down the over and under double barrels of the biggest handheld weapon he’s ever seen close up. One barrel is firmly and uncomfortably lodged in is right nostril, while the second points directly at his right eye. Impish is so startled by the weapons appearance and huge size his transformation stops immediately leaving him Impish rather than Big Blue.

“Or. I. Shoot you. and/or Big Blue. For being. Trouble.  Repeatedly. Dat’s what.

Now that we’ve cleared that up,” Red thumbs back the hammer on the weapon “what’s it going to be Blue? You wanted a choice? Ok you got one now. Not much of one if you ask me but it’s a choice. Choose wisely.”

Impish faints and drops to the floor with a thud.

Red chuckles, bending over the prostrate Impish and rolling him on his side to get to the earring “You have chosen wisely. I just love it when they suggest the super easy way.”

Brutus leaps from the desk to Red’s back and wanders up to watch the proceedings. True to his word Red’s work is done in under 5 minutes. He stands up grabs his hat and closes the duster. He crosses to Impish desk and uses his tail to open drawers searching a moment until he locates Impish’s hidden stash of Lethal’s cigars and generously helps himself. Lifting Brutus off his shoulder he scratches chin for a moment before saying-

“Time for me to go kiddo, but I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon. I hear the new HQ has a mouse problem that needs attention. We both know who that problem will fall to.”

He places Brutus carefully on top of Impish’s desk and slides the half full cup of coffee precariously close to the edge over Impish’s head.

“Gimme 5 minutes then push that coffee cup over on him and wake him up will ya? Thanks little buddy!”

“MEH! Meee! Mrisssh?”

“Did you really think I’d only bring sardines for the two of us? SC & Chai would have tail shredding teams after me if I did that! I left a whole case of tins with the chef in the kitchen. Told him to hold back 4 cans for Greenie, so he can have a nice sardine and pickled red onion sandwich. that leaves 20 cans for the Ninja Kitties. After you wake sleeping ugly there go find the clan spread the word and take credit for the score. That should blow a little of the tarnish off your reputation that  your fall caused. Probably better you weren’t around when he woke up anyway, too many questions you’ll have a hard time answering.”

“Merrow! Purr!”

“Back at ya furball”

Red pulls a Blackberry out and taps a couple keys. “Greenie…Yeah its me. Its done. Send the car up and you owe me $10. Nope. Yup I pulled it. Showed it too him up close and he got really co-operative. As in fainted dead away. Tell Chitty to step on it. We want my exit to be as mysterious as my entrance. OK. OK. Good.”

Red steps back out onto the balcony, closes the doors then worms his tail under them at the gap to relock them from the inside. walks over to the railing climbs it, steps off and disappears with a slight shimmer. As soon as this happens, Brutus head butts Impish’s coffee cup off the edge of the desk upending it all over his head. As Impish rolls over sputtering Brutus leaps for the softest landing spot available to him hitting Impish in the pit of the stomach before dashing under the desk and out his cat door to spread the news of the Clan’s windfall bounty by his actions.

Meantime someplace not easily explainable or definable to non-schizophrenic humans and or non role playing gamers,  Mr. Gray pauses a moment in his task suddenly, cocks his head listening intently for several seconds before breaking into a wide grin and sighing deeply in satisfaction . Fingering his gray earring momentarily he returns to the task at hand while starting to hum the opening bars of Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence”.

Good Morning Campers!

Well, as you can see by the above header picture, that I’m still not on Lethal’s good side as far as issues go.  But, I’m sure after what you read in Leprechaun Laffs on Wednesday and what you’ll read here today, that the problem is a thing of the past.  Today’s issue is chock full of fun stuff and rants and cartoons and….well…fun stuff.

But before we begin, I’d like to show you what showed up in my pond the other day.

This little guy is a male Northern Green Frog.  He is quite comfortable in our little pond and according to Wikipedia, his call sounds like a plucked banjo string.  I don’t know about that, our little Izzy says that it sounds like an error message on the computer.  It is different, that’s for sure.  But, this is just one of the many wonders our little home has shown us.

Here’s a picture of the pond itself, if I haven’t already showed you:

You wanna talk about relaxing.  Hardly a night has gone by that Mrs. Dragon and I haven’t gone out to the pond at evening time and watched the fish play.

But I digress…

Before we go any further, we have an announcement to make.  It seems as though one of our own has gotten sick, and so shortly after her recent surprise birthday party, too.  Poor Ginny is suffering terribly with a sinus infection that is so bad, it has literally taken her off her feet.

Ginny is one of the first who would (and has!) offer up well wishes and prayers to any of us if we were down and needed help, so I’m asking all of you to do the same for her.  And while you’re praying, put in a couple of good words for her old fart of a husband Paul.  Paul is a former fire fighter, so you know pretty much the only thing he knows how to make is chili. 

So, while Ginny is suffering and Paul is starving, let’s all say a few good words for her.  And of course, we have to have a few sick and sinus infection jokes spread out through the issue, so watch for them, Ginny.  They’re all for you.

 

I think it’s time to start with some regular laughs and we’ll get to some of the other stuff later on in the issue…so, without further ado…

I can sympathize and empathize with this poor guy.  It seems like the older we get the harder some of the more mundane things really are.  Where a few years ago he’d of probably just vaulted out of the window, now he’s become Paul and has to take his time.  Poor Ginny, is probably looking all over for him…if this was Paul that is.   I didn’t say it was Paul, I just implied that it was like what Paul would have to do, so, no.  This is NOT Paul…but it could be.

 

Yes, I stopped commenting on them.  I’m almost sorry I included it at all.  Almost.

 

Okay, this next guy at least has class…and a sense of humor.

 

This one is just too apropos to ignore:

I’m going with the troll on this one.

 

 

 

I’m definitely of the second type.  Just like our motto says:
”Death before dishonor; Nothing before coffee”

 

 

 

One of my favorite dragon pics of all times.  I would love to have a cross like this to put up on my shelf.

 

 

This next one is just horrible, terrible and you WILL groan.

 

 

 

 

I can honestly say that my mom NEVER called me Bitch!

 

Okay, so is it me, or does this remind you of the commercial with the car and Godzilla on TV?

No body can believe he caught it.  That’s truly amazing.

 

Yeah, the runny noses are everywhere.  From Ginny’s sinus infection and Paul’s Chili.

 

 

Every wonder about the basic differences between Dogs and Cats?  This video explains it quite nicely:

 

This next one is from Jean…

And people wonder why I’m not on Facebook.

 

 

 

Yup.  I don’t give a rat’s ass what people think of me, either.  I don’t have any impressions to make, except when I’m teaching class.  And then I’m professional.  LOL!  But, that’s really about the only time.  Usually, even when I’m at work, I’m casually professional.

I finally got some more critter pictures back in stock, so here we are again with one of my favorite topics.

Larry needs his drinks to survive his incarceration. 

Seems like Frank has been over compensating.

Just met my new mailman for the first time with my dog…I didn’t put a wig on her.  Mine wouldn’t have worked with a wig.  Here she is on high alert, protecting our home:

“Hey Dude, someone’s at the door.  You gonna get that?”

 

Yeah, that would do it.  At least yours will play.  Mine won’t even chase a damn ball.

 

 

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.
“No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days….
He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!”
And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled… “See what you get for five bucks!?”

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!”

Biden then, went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

It’s Sarah Palin!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

…AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE

 

 

I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” 

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the U.S.
Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

The clerk said, “Fuck off, get out and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one – Do you have it in paperback?

 

 

 

 

This is usually my favorite part of every issue.  I have no idea why these things always make me laugh so much, but they always do.

And today’s five didn’t fail to deliver.  I especially like the last one’s ability to make you think about it.

 

Michelle bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. She told Joe Biden, “The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words!” “Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” Biden said, “But you do realize that he just says the words, he doesn’t really understand what they mean.” “That’s OK,” Michelle replied, “Neither does the parrot.”  

 

 

“Terrance!”  Impish yells from his desk.  “Terrance, where the heck are you?” 

He listens carefully, but doesn’t hear the Troll’s voice or any sound in the outer office at all.  Pushing the intercom button he says in his most officiously managerial voice, “Terrance, can you step into my office, please.”

He is completely gratified when he hears his office door open, but when he looks up, it isn’t his trusty Troll walking through the door, but … “Who are you?  Where’s Terrance?  What’s going on here? Who ARE you?”

The buxom young lady who walked in the door, steno pad in hand, stopped in front of Impish’s desk.  She straightened her not quite knee length skirt and peered at him through wide, horn rimmed glasses.  With the yellow #2 pencil over her ear, and the two keeping her hair in a bun on the back of her head, she resembled a junior high school English teacher more than a secretary.  A junior high school teacher that all the young boys secretly drooled over when she turned her back to write on the black board.  “Good Morning, Mr. Dragon.  I’m November, from the secretarial pool.  I was told to come up here and be your girl since Mr. Troll is on vacation.”

“Terrance is on vacation?  Why wasn’t I told of this?  Why wasn’t I allowed to pick my own secretary? Why… well, Miss September, you just stand right there for a minute.”

Impish takes out his cell phone, sets it to video phone and punches the speed dial for Terrance.  A picture of a beautiful sandy beach comes up.  You can hear the surf in the background along with the sound of seagulls in the distance.  A familiar female voice comes out of the speaker saying, “You have reached Terrance Troll.  He is unable to come to the phone right now, please choose from the following menu to reach Mr. Troll or leave a message:  If you are Mr. Dragon, press 1, if you are Mr. Leprechaun, press 2, if this is the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize Patrol, press 3, if you are a tax or bill collector, press 4, If you are any of my ex-wives, press 5, for any other callers, please press 6.”

Impish presses 1 and hears, “Impish, I’m on vacation.  I’m sitting here on the beach right now…” suddenly, like a thrown switch, he can hear the roaring surf and the sounds of seagulls.  Just as suddenly, it cuts off.  “…admin is supposed to send down a temp.  I told them what your … ahem … requirements are, so she should be nice.  Please don’t leave a message, as I won’t get it from my phone until my return, which should be …”

The familiar female voice comes on the phone and says, “please leave your message at the sound of the beep.”   [Beeeeep!]

Impish starts to speak, “Terrance where the hell are you?  Why wasn’t I …”

“Thank you for your message.”

“Dammit all!” He dials the phone again and when it’s time, he presses 6.

“Nice try, Impish, but I’m still not answering my calls.”

The little blue dragon calls back again and presses 5.

“Impish, you and I were never married, so how do you figure you should’ve pushed #5?”

Grumbling the dragon calls again.

“Tax collector, Impish?  Really?”

“Ah!  I know,” says Impish.  “I know which one he will answer.”

“Impish.  Now, to be fair, you should give me some sort of a cash prize when I get back, just for pressing #3.”

Impish throws the phone in the desk before daring to press #2 and impersonating Lethal.  He’s pretty sure the wee green one would find out, somehow.  In fact, it had to have been Lethal who gave Terrance permission to go on vacation!  And if THAT’S the case, he must have had some way of contacting the Leprechaun this whole time!  What the hell is going on!  He picks up the office phone and calls Lethal’s number.

“Mr. Leprechaun’s office.  How may I help you?”

“Friday, I need to speak to Lethal.”

“Impish, like I’ve told you 162,527 times already, Lethal is …”

“Yeah, I know.  Lethal is unavailable.  But Terrance must’ve had a way to get a hold of him since he’s now on vacation and he’s the only other one, other than me, who can approve that.  So, if Terrance can get a hold of the little green creep, surely …”

“Actually, I gave him permission to take vacation.  He technically works for me as being part of the administrative staff.  Hasn’t my little cousin shown up to take over for him?”

“You gave him…?  Your cousin…?  What the …?”

“Would you like to buy a verb, Impish?  Do please try to speak in complete sentences, it makes it much easier on those of us who try to understand you.”

“So then, Miss August here is your cousin?”

In a low voice behind him, “November.”

“August is there?  It was supposed to be November who came down…”

“Yeah, okay.  Whatever month she’s the playboy model for…”

“Is November there now?  With you?  Let me speak to her.”

November takes the phone from his outstretched hand.  Impish can only hear her half of the conversation.

“Hi Friday. No, it’s okay. Yeah, sure.  Uh huh.  Yes, ma’am.  No, of course not.  I’d have broken both of his paws.  Yes, ma’am.  That was the lower left hand desk drawer?  Okay, got it.  Yup.  Lunch?   Today?  Executive cafeteria?  Really?  OH Boy!  April and December are going to be green with envy!  Yes, ma’am.  Thank you, Friday.”  As she hands the phone back to Impish, she says, “Miss Friday wants to speak to you.”

Before he can even speak to Lethal’s Girl Friday, she says, “Okay, November understands what she’s supposed to do for you.  But, let me tell you this.  I’m very fond of all my family, but I’m especially fond of November.  She’s a sweet young girl who I’m giving an opportunity to work on the executive level.  I’d tell you that she is also a highly trained assassin, like all of the secretaries here, but instead I’ll tell you that if you hurt one single hair on her head, if you make her cry, if I don’t ever even see a SMILE on her face, you will answer to me, Bucko, and I guarantee, you will never father another dragonette, nor play nicely with your virgins EVER again.”

The phone goes dead in his ear.  With November still watching, he shouts into the receiver, “Friday, if you think you can talk to me that way …”

In a metallic voice, loud enough for the dragon and the girl to hear, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and dial again.  If you’d like to make a call …”

Impish slams the phone down on its base and stutters, “Well … that … that ought to tell her!”

November tries to hide a smile as she says, “So, is everything worked out here?  Do I get to stay?”

“Yes.  Yes, you do.”

“OH Good! Then what can I do for you, sir?”

“Well, you can start by calling me, Impish.  And did you know, November, that you look just like a school teacher in that outfit.”

Knowing very well that Impish has several different “fantasy types” that he is attracted to, one of which being school teacher and another, nurse, she asks, “Is that a problem?  I thought it looked professional, but I can change if you want me to.” As she says this, she pulls the two yellow #2 pencils from her hair, which proceeds to cascade down her back in a golden waterfall.

Impish gasps, sits down behind his desk, with his school teacher fantasy playing out in his head, he remembers Friday’s threats, shakes his head to clear it and says, “No, no.  That’s … um … quite, alright.”

With thoughts of losing his “dragonhood”  echoing in his head, he fires up his computer and says, “November, can you check with editing and get me the proofs for this week’s issue.  I’ll need to go over a few things.”

“Yes, sir.” And the young lady disappears from the office, just to reappear within the minute clutching a sheaf of papers.  “Here you are, sir.  I’ve taken the liberty of proof reading and making some corrections as well as a tiny bit of editing.”

“How’d you get that so fast?”

“Oh, I knew on Wednesdays you liked to reread what you had for the week after perusing Mr. Leprechaun’s issue in the morning.  I removed the two duplicates that he already had, so as not to repeat anything.  I know you always try to give him first dibbs on any of the items you both receive, since his issues are more directional as yours are more eclectic.  So I came in earlier today, and got all this ready for you.”

“You came in early?  Terrance was always 20 minutes behind me.  Why didn’t I see you at your desk out front when I came in.  I certainly wouldn’t have missed YOU.”  Friday’s angry visage came forefront in his mind as he added, “Uh…because, um … you know, you would’ve been sitting right out front and all.”

“If I may say so, Mr. Dragon, it wasn’t that difficult to be here earlier than you.  Miss Friday has all the admin staff here no later than 0900 hrs, so I had a few hours to get things ready for your arrival.  And as to why I wasn’t at my desk when you came in, I was probably down the hall making this.” She says as she puts a hot cup of coffee down in front of the dragon, who would’ve sworn that there wasn’t anything else in her hand after handing him the papers.  But, with her other obvious assets, he barely noticed she had her hair back up in its original bun being held in place with the two pencils.

“Thank you, November.  Terrance always made me get my own coffee.”

“Well, I would think that a dragon of your status would have more important things to do than getting your own coffee.  You just let me know when you need more.  If there isn’t anything else?”  She made her way out of the office and Impish couldn’t help himself from admiring the view as she walked out.  But, it was completely ruined when Friday’s angry face seemed to appear to him right in the middle of her cute derrière.

 

A few minutes later, a cat door, that appeared in a wall that looked exactly like stone deep underground, which, in fact, WAS a stone wall deep underground, opened unnoticed by our little blue dragon, who had his tongue poking out between his teeth as he concentrated on his draft.  The first inkling of the presence of another sentient individual being in the room happened when said sentient individual leaped upon his desk, curled up in a furry ball and looked up at him expectantly.

“Well, good morning!  Look who made it all the way to the desk by themselves!  You must be feeling better, Brutus.”  Impish reaches out and strokes the large feline behind the ears which causes a loud buzz saw of a purr to echo in the room.  He reaches over with his other hand, pushes the intercom button and says, “November, can you bring me a bit of tuna on a small plate.”

Before he even releases the intercom button, November opens his outer door and walks in carrying a plate and bowl and sets them down on Impish’s desk top.  The plate holds fresh tuna and the bowl has cold whole milk.  Impish stutters, “… how did you … why … I didn’t even …. How’d you do that so fast?”

“I put a small alarm on Brutus’s cat door, so I know when he arrives.  And I know how he likes his tuna and milk around this time of day.”

“But that’s amazing.  How’d you know how Brutus likes his food?”

“I just asked him.  I try to know what ALL your friends like, so I can be as efficient as possible.  Would you rather I not?”

“You know this sort of stuff about ALL my friends?”

“It’s not that hard.  You don’t have that many friends.”  Realizing how that sounded, November threw her hand over her mouth and said, “Oh!  I’m so sorry!  I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.  I just meant that you are not the type of person who has a lot of CLOSE friends.  Oh, dear.  I think I may have just made it all worse!  Can I just…”

“November, I understand.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m just glad and very surprised at how efficient you’ve been, even on your first day.  Just carry on.”

The young lady seemed so very much relieved that Impish had to wonder what kind of rumors about him must be spreading through the complex.  He hadn’t eaten an incompetent employee for… well, for at least a couple of weeks, anyway.

Not wanting to interrupt Brutus’s snack, Impish does not return to petting him until he completely finished and curled back up on his desk.  Then he asked, what he assumed would be a rhetorical question, “So…November just asked you how you liked your tuna?  And I’m assuming you just told her.  That’s rich.”

 

In amidst the purring, Brutus responded: Mmwwrr?

“Because cats don’t talk, now do they?”

MwI, Mwo

“No you don’t.  It’s just your purring.”

Mwu Mwawin mwa nwow

“No.  I’m holding up both sides of the conversation, you are NOT talking to me now.  It just sounds like it, sort of…”

Hiss, Mwole

“Don’t call me an asshole!  What …”

The room is suddenly a little brighter as the bulb goes off over Impish’s head.  “Holy crap!  You understand everything I’m saying, don’t you?  And you’re trying to talk back to me, aren’t you?  And…And…”

Hiss Mwole

And Ginny, our final wish for you…

Don’t mean to be rude folks but its been a long time getting this issue to press and I’m butt sore from sitting here for 6 hours and bone tired.  its nearly 1 Am on Wednesday morning as I finish this and it still feels like  its 90 outside so you can imagine how my day in the field felt. Not exactly the way my vacation of protest over someone’s lackadaisical attitude towards this great publication should be going but hey wadda ya going to do?

Well I’m going to get some shut eye and hopefully some decent sleep since my day started at 05:30 yesterday now. Mean time you enjoy what turned out to be a very full issue and please accept my apology if the Agent 44DD Adventure isn’t quite up to editing snuff. I’ve been pressing since 11 Pm to finish it  for you when I really just wanted to lay down, close my eyes and dream or bankrupting Donald Trump and Bill Gates.

Oh and Impish? That a rear view shot of me leaving that little island paradise not one of me arriving so keep looking  sucker!

Nighty night all!

  Nope too easy, I’m going to have to let this one pass.

WELCOME to 2015

  • Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless  
We are SPEECHLESS, Government is CLUELESS,  
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS !  

I’m scared Shitless and

 This is “Priceless”.

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If…

– Your e-mail address ends in “@over.yonder.com.”

– You connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”

– Your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”

– You wire your network with jumper cables.

– Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don’t miss her.

– You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

– You ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”

– Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

– Your spell checker knows words like, “Y’all”, “Yonder”, and “Reckon.”

– Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.

– Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5″ disk drive.

– You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn’t block the velvet picture of Elvis.

– Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

– Your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.

– When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and USB ports.

– Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

– You only buy from Gateway, ’cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

 

Well judging by the pictures, I might be tempted into complaining  her boobs are fake and the fridge has too much lousy beer in it.

 

Green Goddess Dressing

 Used to be a big thing back in the 60’s but fell out of favor for some reason. Makes good veggie tray dipping sauce and dressing for potato & pasta salads besides regular salads.

Makes a great dressing for a big batch of thinly sliced cucumbers & a small/med red onion sliced and broken up into rings. Also great drizzled into summer veggie filled pita pocket sandwiches.

You can change the flavor profile radically by swapping Mayo for Greek Yogurt, using Miracle whip, or adding a teaspoonful of a packet of ranch dressing mix. Also I like some fresh dill in mine or use mint in place of the tarragon.

 

Total Time: 30 min
Prep: 30 min
Yield: 1 1/4 cups

Ingredients

3 anchovy filets, soaked in cold water for 5 minutes, dried, and coarsely chopped
3/4 cup prepared or homemade mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
2 tablespoons thinly sliced fresh chives
2 tablespoons minced flat-leaf parsley
1 -1/2 teaspoons minced fresh tarragon leaves
3/4 teaspoon finely chopped fresh basil
1 tablespoon minced shallots
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt plus more
Freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Combine the anchovies, mayonnaise, sour cream, chives, parsley, tarragon, basil, shallots, lemon juice, and the 1/4-teaspoon of salt in a blender. Puree to make a smooth dressing. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Use immediately or store, covered, in the refrigerator, for up to 2 days.

Don’t have any shallots laying around? Use a tiny amount of garlic power and the minced white part of a few scallions.

Chicken Spaghetti

Another old time favorite and staple of pot lucks and food items dropped of  to a family  during a family tragedy. Good served hot or room temp next to a nice crisp salad.

Use a rotisserie chicken and toss a couple bullion cubes in the past water to speed up getting out to the kitchen and the heat. If you are boiling the chicken I recommend going with boneless skinless chicken thighs and defatting them with kitchen snips. Dark meat has more flavor and removing the fat before cooking keeps your pasta from being greasy.  Some frozen peas & Carrots tossed in with the pasta in the last 5 minutes and/or a jar of sliced button mushrooms both work well here.

 

 

 

Total Time:  1 hr 40 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 1 hr 20 min
Yield: 8 servings
Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

1 whole raw chicken, cut into 8 pieces
1 pound thin spaghetti, broken into 2-inch pieces
2 1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar
1/4 cup finely diced green bell pepper
1/4 cup finely diced red bell pepper
1 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/8 to 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Two 10 3/4-ounce cans cream of mushroom soup
1 medium onion, finely diced
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add the chicken pieces to the boiling water and boil for a few minutes, and then turn the heat to medium-low and simmer, 30 to 45 minutes.

Remove the chicken and 2 cups of the chicken cooking broth from the pot. When the chicken is cool, remove the skin and pick out the meat (a mix of dark and white) to make 2 generous cups. Discard the bones and skin.

Cook the spaghetti in the chicken cooking broth until al dente. Do not overcook. When the spaghetti is cooked, combine with the chicken, 1 1/2 cups of the cheese, the green peppers, red peppers, seasoned salt, cayenne, soup and onions, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Stir in 1 cup of the reserved chicken cooking broth, adding an additional cup if needed.

Place the mixture in a 9- by 13-inch sprayed/greased/oiled/buttered casserole pan and top with the remaining 1 cup cheese. Bake immediately until bubbly, about 45 minutes. (If the cheese on top starts to get too dark, cover with foil.)

If making where youngsters (or oldsters) might object to the slight kick of the cayenne skip it and reach for poultry seasoning instead. For me how much I use depends on how fresh it it but I wouldn’t go more than the 1/4 teaspoon the first time out.

I like using linguini or fettuccini in place of thin spaghetti as I think it holds up better and give a more toothsome feel.

Also you can experiment with different cheeses or cheese combinations in place of the straight sharp cheddar. I make a TexMex version using Rotel and Monterey Jack cheese

Finally if serving hot out of the oven, toss a little buttered breadcrumbs in with that cheese topping before baking to get that nice crunchy crust like on mac & cheese

 

 

Watch the dots at the crossing points change from white to black as your eyes more across the pattern.

Yeah I know we’ve run that last one before. What can I say, aside from Ginny being proud of her backside view and the fact there was a rare Blue Moon in Texas over weekend. Oh I almost forgot, melons are in season too!

Well yeah, given we were going into the triple digits last weekend there were probably a few of Molly’s current favorite beer to be had but that’s not the sort of Blue Moon I’m talking about.

As you can see Impish spent last Friday night searching for me under the Blue Moon. He should have been looking for the little green moon, in the airplane window flying overhead instead.

(CNN) If anything unusual happens to you Friday, you’ll be right to say it was “once in a blue moon.”

The July 31 appearance of the month’s second full moon will be the first such occurrence in the Americas since August 2012. Every month has a full moon, but because the lunar cycle and the calendar year aren’t perfectly synched, about every three years we wind up with two in the same calendar month.

But Earth’s satellite will most likely not appear blue at all.

Typically, when a moon does take on a bluish hue, it is because of smoke or dust particles in the atmosphere, such as during a cataclysmic volcanic eruption.

Today’s modern day usage of the phrase blue moon can be attributed to a Sky and Telescope writer who in the 1940s tried to clear up a confusing definition published by the Maine Farmers’ Almanac. The U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington states that when a season has four full moons, the third one is called a blue moon.

This lunar event will not be seen again until January 2018.

 

the marcels .. blue moon.

asked Impish’s Doctor!

Lethal stares at Mr. Gray a moment before smiling and saying, “Been working on your forced audience entry technique I see. Not bad, a definite improvement, but I still think you can do better.”

“Yeah well I had a hard time concentrating on the new one I was going to try. There wound up being a major distraction in your outer office made it hard to focus on doing something new and untried so I fell back on this more familiar one.”

“Noname showed up?”

“Nah that wouldn’t have phased me. I think you caught Friday by surprise showing up here today. Looks to me like she was off some place sunning her considerable charms and just threw a blouse and short hip riding skirt over her none to expansive swim attire and probably didn’t actually grab her own blouse. As  a result when she stood up as I was giving her the hard time to reach for her Valkrye Axe she blew 3 buttons off the front of the blouse.”

“Ah! Yes. Um-hm I can certainly see how that would be a major distraction issue when attempting and unfamiliar intimidation technique. You did well then, shes done that deliberately as a distraction on several occasions and reduced denizens to drooling dolts reaching for their trousers, I suppose I should apologize as I fear the entire scene was my fault in a way. I knew there was no way Impish would be in the office today, especially with your house warming going on and sometimes telecommuting just isn’t an acceptable method for dealing with things so I decided to sneak in thru a private secret entrance to my office and get a little work done in peace. Beside when I saw Friday earlier I decided that getting by her and her …formidable distractions would make a great no notice field exercise for you”

“That was one hell of a no notice field test I’ll tell you that! Focusing on the fear of the havoc Mrs. Gray would inflict inside my trousers barely prevented me from joining the ranks of the drooling  dolts! How the hell do you manage to withstand it?”

“First time it happened, I just dropped my trousers and Y fronts, said if you’re going to show me yours its only fair I show you mine. Then we spend a day and a half locked in my office after that in nonstop intense private negations exploring various the positions and permutations of our Employer/Employee office dynamic, came to an mutually satiated arrangement and everything has been fine ever since.”

“You mean you and…multiple times and positions?…for a day and a half?…nonstop?…I’ll…”

<BUZZ! BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ! BUZZZZZ!>

“Yup right on time. Hold the rest of that comment of Bro admiration for me while you come to terms with that bit of information just a moment please. Take a seat. <slides humidor across the desk> Have a cigar, this will only take a minute.”

<CLICK!> “Yes Friday? Exactly what part of ‘do not disturb me’ did your apparently still on sunning your buns mind fail to comprehend? “Sir sorry to interrupt but Noname is out here requesting your lunch order. He’s most insistent and I didn’t think you’d be happy with a repeat of earlier.”

“Ah yes quite right. Good point. Let me see…I think I’ll have a Veggie Bacon BLT w/ Vegimite on a Gluten Free Pita, Tofu Fries with Hummus and a Wheat Grass & Goji Berry Smoothie with Flax Seed.”

“Sir Noname says he just threw up in his mouth a little .”

“Tell him I said  chance favors the prepared stomach..as does Andrew Zimmer. We can’t all be food snobs like Tony Bourdain.”

“He’s smiling sir and said he’ll be in his office should you need him for anything further he flat out refuses to even utter that food order.”

“Very good. Thank you Friday and thank Noname for me… if you can drag his attention away from your distractions being on display.”

“Eep! Ah err.. yes sir! Thank You sir.”

“Thank You Friday”

Lethal turns his attention back to Mr. Gray.

“Now where were we Gray?”

Mr. Gray sits upright in a leather club chair legs crossed intently looking at Mr. Green with his right hand inside his dove gray suit jacket and a large fat cigar held casually in his left.

“Excellent cigar  Green, thank you very much. I’m really looking forward to being able to legally obtain Cubans once more and hopefully at a far more reasonable price. Was that, I fervently hope, a duress code test and not you’re actual lunch order? There isn’t about to be some serious unpleasantness just because I didn’t have an appointment and barged my way in here is there?”

” Yes it was ruse to see if I was under duress. My voluptuous and devoted assistant takes umbrage at people, even Impish barging into my office when I say I don’t want to be disturbed. Plays hell with her quarterly performance bonus and you know how girls love their mad money for shopping sprees. Apparently she tripped the silent alarm in response to you’re costing her at least one pair of Manolo Blahniks. She was hoping no doubt to see NoName and the Spectral Warfare Team drag you out of here wrapped in my rug heels first.

You won’t ever find these cigars on the open market. I own both the tobacco farm as well as the rolling facility those are made in. The entire growing and manufacturing process is a closely held secret but I will tell you this much- the wrappers are the finest available Connecticut shade grown leaves and are hand rolled between the lustful thighs of some extremely horny young Cuban virgins with extraordinary muscle tone and control. And do take you hand off your weapon, I assure you mine is bigger than yours and aimed at a portion of you and your aforementioned wife hold very dear.”

“Hard shot to make with my legs crossed isn’t it?”

Green examines his cigar selection contemplatively before replying offhandedly, “Not really….considering you’re sitting on mine, a pair of 12 gauge shells loaded with flechettes and the remote trigger is part of this cigar lighter.”

Mr. Gray smiles as his hand slowly comes out of his jacket empty, “Well played sir! Please believe I am 100% dead serious when I ask ‘Who do I have to kill to get a box of these from you Green?’. “

“It might interest you to know you’re the second ummm…’individual’ to ask me that exact question today.”

<Chuckling> “Then maybe I should kill my competition for the box of cigars!

Green grins widely with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Now that would be a serious bout of entertainment that might be arranged. Would you have any objection to my selling tickets to the event? I would screen the tape at a later date of course and blur out your features if you succeed.”

Gray makes an ‘as you wish hand gesture. “Listen I was serious,when I said we need to talk earlier. Something is seriously wrong. The Impish persona seems to be staging a mind coup. What should more or less be a case of three dissociative identities only vaguely aware of each other now seem to be cross talking with greater frequency and clarity. I’m concerned Impish is possibly attempting a merging of the personas and that’s not good. As it stands now the voyeuristic little shit thinks my life is an interactive reality show.”

“Yes I have been seeing some stranger than normal behavior from Impish (which I realize really isn’t saying all that much) plus the reports from my inside man I put on him have begun to be increasingly disturbing. I was afraid it might be indications of something like this. That’s why I asked you here on such short notice even knowing about your house warming party or as I would have labeled it ‘the decent of the horde of  familial relations none of whom helped you move but will gladly eat you out of house and home like a migrating flock of locus’. “

“Ahem…since this meeting is likely being taped I’ll exercise discretion in the name of marital valor and refrain from commenting on your comment.  Moving right along to safer subjects now, how is Terrance holding up under the strain of his long term assignment? I’m surprised Impish hasn’t ferreted him out as your spy yet!”

Mr. Green opens a folder and slides several sheets of a nearly transparent paper across his desk in Mr. Gray’s direction before he responds.

“As you can see from this transcript of monitoring devices, Terrance did all but formally confess to his activities to a priest in front of him and it went went right over Impish’s head sailing through his horns like uprights on a goal post. The poor fellow is so worked up and conflicted he honestly fears we’ll fire and black ball him /or just outright make him disappear permanently down on Level 6. As  a result I’m going to pull Terrance back and let him rest a while since I had anticipated this far in advance and arranged to insert another operative into Impish’s circle of intimates. This time I arranged it for Impish himself to invite our man in simply by arranging a series of events for which Impish feels responsible and a sort of kindred spirit with our man…or should I say cat.”

Mr. Grey grunts looks up from the papers as he puts cigar to it and it disappears in a flash. “I thought Impish was scared shitless, and I mean that literally upon several occasions, by the Ninja kitties. Why would he ever take one into his confidence? He has to know that their first loyalty is to their clan Mistress and her’s is to you ergo they’ll choose you every time over him. Even his IQ isn’t that low!”

“Quite right. That’s why I arranged for Brutus to take that little trip with him for the field exercise and for him to take that pratfall as well. Admittedly Brutus missed the air bag we had placed for him totally and did  wind up injured but no where near as bad as was made out too Impish. Ever since they’ve become quite friendly and close. I think Impish forgets Brutus is around a lot of the time or thinks he’s sleeping when he’s actually doing the meditative cat thing.”

<Laughing> “Oh man that great! That’s funny shit right there I don’t care who you are!”   < Mr. Gray’s voice turns serious> “However that doesn’t do anything for my/our problem. What are we doing to do about…”

<Mr. Green stands up after filling his pocket humidor and taking several pocket flasks from his desk> “I know what you are about to ask me. Let’s not discuss it here. I’ve arranged for us to have a lunch meeting someplace secure with an individual that is going to help us… contain Impish for a while as well as see that he gets that missing second earring he should have gotten already. I’m hoping that is what’s causing the problem or that once the system is fully online it will be able to counter act the issue for us. I also don’t think from Brutus’s comment that the original earing got fully installed as intended.”

<Mr. Green removes a Blackberry from and inside jacket pocket> “Green to C2B2: How are you and our guest getting along?”

“He’s flatting my springs, stinking up my garage with his obnoxious cigars and every Ninja cat in the clan has come to see him so my interior is covered in cat hair! This really is intolerable!”

“This coming from the car that when I found you was sporting was sporting 100 year old ice cream drips over 1/2 her back seat and a crust of chicken droppings mix with hay dust a good quarter of an inch think over most of her coach work.”

“That’s certainly all true which is why I’m trying to avoid returning to that state. Was there a reason for you call or just to see how my torment was progressing?”

“I’m on my way down with our last traveling companion you might want to crank yourself up roll over in front of your full length mirror and then try activating those black boxes I attached while you were away with me and make sure the whole systems works. If not you got the worlds most expensive clear coating in history.”

“I thought you said they system was locked and I couldn’t access it with out the proper codekey?”

“I’m sending it now then stepping into my private elevator.”

After sending a text message, Green carrying a metal brief case  in hand and Gray enter the elevator concealed in the office where Gray never would have believed it was possible. A brief stop ensues when from a dimly lit hallway with faint distant sounds of kitchen bustle where Mr. Gray is directed to take a large soft sided cooler hurriedly aboard the elevator.

When Mssrs. Gray & Green arrive at their destination. Mr Gray who was prepared (or so he thought) to be awe struck by the sight of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang being a reality experiences severe underwhelmment. The Victorian/Steampunk decorated garage bay appears empty. “Geeze Green you’ve either lost your car or your marbles to say nothing of your ability to play a funny prank, this place is emptier than Impish’s mind!”

Suddenly a deep voice booms out, “Well I guess that answer the question of if Mz. Chitty here has been trying to pull one over my horns. I guess there really is such a thing as a Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device.”

A faint shimmer can be seen and suddenly C2B2 is sitting before Mr. Gray but that’s not what his eyes fix on. In the back of the car, if C2B2 can be termed just a car, literally side to side sits a giant red humanoid in a warn brown leather duster, smoking a horrendous smelling cigar stub as a horned tail casually flics back and forth behind him spearing the smoke rings the figure puffs out. Two ground down horns appear to protrude from his forehead. While his pate is completely smooth his sideburns beard and hair which he wears slicked down and combed back into a short pony tail is inky black.

“Hey Green about time! Whose the pasty looking guy? He don’t look so good all the sudden. Can’t be my cigar cause he’s smoking one too, which unless one of you have an extra of I might be confiscating.” SNIFF! “Is that” SNIFF SNIFF “your allegedly magical pastrami I smell? Better hand it over now and save yourself the embarrassment of me taking it from you.”

“Duh duh duh dat’s…”

“Mr Gray meet Mr. Red. A tad obvious name I’ll freely admit but given his uh… skin coloration and his size there really wasn’t much of a discussion of other naming options. Mr. Red, lunch will be served when we have arrived at our destination. Mean while….” <Green roots around for a moment in the soft-sided cooler before extracting a 3 foot long summer sausage> “… think of this as an appropriately sized for you Slim Jim to hold you over for the trip.”

“I insisted on Mr. Red because I already have 3 names I had to remember and answer to, Red being one of those. Well, mostly just to two of them. Anybody that calls me the third, well they got really short life expectancies. So your Gray huh? You’re moving pretty fast there Greenie ain’t cha? Things worse than you let on or their been new developments? I thought we was doing lunch. Mmm!  Jalapeno flavor! Good choice Greenie.”

As Mr. Red speaks Green stows the cooler and brief case in a wicker trunk attached to C2B2’s rear bumper slapping repeatedly at the tail which seems intent on investigating the contents of the cooler and double checking the closing straps twice. Once stowed he motions Gray to climb aboard while he climbs into the drivers seat of C2B2 who promptly admonishes him:

“Don’t even think about it shorty, not without a booster seat! I’ll do the transporting myself.”

Mr.Green takes his Blackberry from his vest, points it at a wall and punches in a code. A section of wall slides back reveling a ramp with daylight at its far end.

“Of course my dear, a final trip before I give you to Mr. Red as his personal transportation until such time as you remember whom your betters are and who exactly you owe all this new found independence and state of the art gadgetry too. Now if you really wouldn’t mind moving us along, the three of us really so have an awful lot to discuss and please don’t forget to reengage the visual cloak, you cheeky overly decorated CAB!”

“Ladies and gentleman please buckle your seat belts should you need a booster seat to be properly engaged with the seat restraints…go fly Hobbit Air. We’ve received out clearance for immediate departure and…”

OW! DAMN IT GREENIE! SERIOUSLY? You rat trapped the buckles on the picnic basket? <Grunt> Hey! My tails stuck what gives?”

“Now Mr. Gray and I are assured some lunch. If you’re done with the Yard ‘o Beef stick already then here suck on this cigar for a while.”

The car immediately lurches forward and into the air!

“No smoking sign is lit! Please do not smoke while we’re aloft!”

A short while later they appear to arrive at their destination.

“Gentleman we’ll be landing momentarily please return your seats and trap tables to their upright positions and thank you for inconveniencing me by insisting on flying Bang Bang Airwhines. Wait! ‘Airwhines’? How did that wind up in my dictionary?!”

Mr. Green turned to the other two winking broadly. Once  C2B2 has stopped and shut down Red hops over her side and stretches as Blue stands  up and looks around.

“This place looks familiar but wrong somehow isn’t this where…”

“Used to be. With Impish acting so strange and knowing where it was we decided to close this one up for now and move to the M.R.N.M. location facility.”

“Aren’t you taking a chance telling me that? He might learn it from me if things get any worse. “

“Not really…Mr. Red if you please?”

Gray feels a large hand clamp on his head. “Hold still pasty, believe me anything you try to do will wind up hurting you more than it does me” A pair of large stone fingers surprisingly delicately examine Gray’s ear with the grey flat stud in it. “Yup its just like you figured Greenie, the incomplete installation carried through to all his forms. Want that I should…”

“Please do Red, and gently mind you. We don’t need anything damaged.”

“So glad you’re worried about my comfort and pain level green since I’m a prisoner to what ever HOLY SHIT! HE SAID GENTLY! What part of no damage you have a problem understanding?!” Red releases Gray and takes a step back.

“He was referring to not damaging the earing, not you.. Sorry but it wasn’t fully seated so it wasn’t making full contact, you got fat ear lobes and the hole was pretty much healed so I had to sort of semi re-pierce your ear for you. Plus there are a whole bunch of electrode thingies-somthings that needed to pierce your skin. I’ll admit earlobes are pretty tender even mine, but man up already Pasty face you’re embarrassing yourself!

Gray grumbles a bit about liberties being taken on and with his person then suddenly stops cocking his head as if listening to something far distant from him. “Hey I can still sense/hear him but its like there’s a wall between us now…a really thick well built wall. Oooo! I don’t think he’s happy he’s lost his favorite reality show mid party either!”

“Gentleman enough Impish for the moment I want to enjoy my lunch and he’s really not fit meal conversation.”

The soft sided cooler is opened and Green starts distributing items. 6 wrapped sandwiches, a family sized bag of Doritos and a 6 pack of beer are passed to Red.

“Mmm! Spicey Nacho! Good choice Green. Hey wait a second! What no pickle?”

“As soon as we get ours you get the rest of the bagful. I ordered 2 spears per half of your sandwiches and 1 each for ours.”

“OK just as long as nobody forgot the pickles. It isn’t a good deli lunch without the pickles.”

Green hands Gray a sandwich a much smaller bag of chips and a large bottle of IBC Root Beer. He holds a Ziploc of pickles open for Gray to extract 4 then tosses the rest of the bag to Red who regards the Jason’s sandwich wrappers with amusement.

“Geeze! You even camouflage your lunch Green? That’s hard core!”

“What’s he talking about, ‘camouflaging your lunch’? What’s wrong with Jason’s Deli?” Gray rapid fired out the questions.

“Nuffin wrong wid it.” Red manages to get out around the 1/2 of one of his sandwiches his jaw is working on. “’Cept dez sandwiffs ain’t frum dere.”

Mr. Green nods and points at Red saying “He’s right, on both counts. The sandwiches were camouflaged and they aren’t from Jason’s Deli. A certain non meal topic individual has an understandable obsession with my private Deli meats, especially my Pastrami. Had there been any investigation the double wrapping with the mislabeled outside wrapper and the sealed plastic inside plus the fact that this is an actual Jason’s Deli delivery transport cooler bag gave me a reasonable chance of misleading said unmentioned entity and our being able to enjoy this lunch.”

“But how did you know that?” Gray asks regarding his sandwich with some suspicion while addressing the question to Red, “What was it that tipped you off?”

Red pauses long enough to wash the 1/2 of a sandwich down with one of the beers before appearing to do a little math on his fingers and grunt. “12 pack would have been better Greenie you know 6 sandwich’s makes 12 halves with one beer per half.”

“Liz made me promise you’d get home sober. Sorry but I have absolutely no interest in finding out what being cremated alive is like.”

Red grunts and shakes his head ruefully. “Heh! The old flaming ball and chain, good thing I love her cause she serious knows how to ride my tail. To answer your question Gray, simple, because I own a few Jason’s and this pastrami and corn beef is WAY better than what we sell and just might really be magical. Plus mine have El Loco Diablo mustard on them, nice attention to detail by the way Green, and no restaurants will ever offer it, its just too insanely hot”

“You?! You own Jason’s Deli franchises? Really? I mean seriously? That really doesn’t seem uh I mean that…uh…I’ll just eat my foot now since its already in my mouth.”

“Yeah I know don’t worry I get that a lot. Real shocker when the big hulking horned red demonic guy turns out to be a tax paying incorporated entity.

See shortly after I convinced Liz we could do the happily ever after and white picket fence thing she got contacted by this financial planner guy who handles only famous mythical magical and paranormal clients. He told her we needed to plan for the future since I was in a somewhat dangerous business. He said he could help us become more financially secure by allowing him to invest and manage our money for us. She was about to flame him right through the phone I think because he wouldn’t take her no thank yous seriously when he said something that caught her attention. He said he tailored each investment plan to the specific needs of each client and in our case his strategy would also have the added benefit of reducing my food expense. She arranged a meeting right away then told me I was meeting with him. Little dude was fearless. Climbed right up on his desk, shoved a pistol gripped sawed off autoloading shotgun I never even saw up my nose and tells me that he’d clean my sinuses out for me if I flicked any more cigar ash on his oriental rug instead of using the ash tray. THEN he tells me to start carrying breath mints cause my mouth wash ain’t making it!” <Green blushes and Gray belly laughs while sparing Green a sideways glance. >

So I figure any guy this sure of himself and that Liz thought was worth listening to should at least be heard out. Damned if his plan didn’t fit my needs exactly too! Now I’ve got, I don’t know exactly how many franchises, nation wide in about 25 different chains. Pizza, Chicken, Burgers, Hot Dogs, BBQ Joints, Sandwiches, Mexican, Chinese, Donuts, Ice Cream, Coffee. From what Liz says we’re going to get some of them sit down fast food places soon too like, that Friday’s place and Chilis.

Dude bought us mostly established franchises with proven track records from people looking to retire or with health problems, anyone motivated to sell and at a reasonable price for a fast close. Unless that is he found a market where some segment was under represented in a major way. We make embarrassing amounts of money and I can eat at any of them for free because we own it. They keep Liz busy with the day to day and I make appearances if the profits dip, unless its because I ate there. Also he got us one hell of a tax shelter set up, also customized to me. We own about a dozen large regional no kill pet shelters, all nonprofits which employ close to a 1000 people and take not only strays but feral and special needs animals. I like to spend some down time while Liz visits our franchises by going to the shelters and socializing the feral cats. Pretty hard for them to hurt this.” (he gestures to his stone arm).

Red suddenly realizes how long and how much he’s been talking about his least favorite subject, himself. “So anyway Greenie what’s in the other case? Dessert? Did I actually talk you out of a box of those Cubans of yours?” Red’s tail sudden produces one and plugs it in the corner of his mouth Gray’s jaw drops and a healthy bite of sandwich falls out This rouses him and he starts cleaning himself off while shooting dagger like glances at Green who pretends not to notice.

Green finishes chewing wipes his mouth and with his foot pushes the case a token distance towards Red. “No that’s the thing. You know the one you asked for that we discussed? I had some down time recently since I’ve been pulling an Impish and phoning in issues to avoid his whining for me to do his work because he’s delusional over Gray’s life, so I was able to finish it rather quickly. Take it easy though you’ve only got about 10 of each type of load we discussed. They’re not exactly off the shelf items you know.”

“HE was the ‘other individual’ that wanted a box of cigars? Green you bastard! The deals off! Gray fumed.

“Relax! I was just setting up the long con joke I knew you’d never have said any of that if you knew who your competition was. Besides you know what the Rules of Acquisition say ‘Treat your friends like family…exploit them. There is no profit in dead friends my friend. But that look on your face when the light went on over you head? Priceless. Now finish cleaning yourself up you’ve got Sauerkraut in you pants cuff and Swiss on you tie still.

Go ahead Red open it everything is in there even a holster for it. I hope you don’t mind under arm reversed draw. Given the weapon and you’re normal gear carry it seemed the most logical.”

Red opens the case eagerly but with great reverence at the same time. “This is my first custom built for me weapon and to get one hand made by Armageddon Armaments Head Armorer himself? Thanks Greenie this really means a lot!”

Gray stands up to get a better look at the weapon as Red carefully removes it from inside the red flocked interior of the case.

HOLY CRAP! WHAT the hell is that thing! Look at the barrels on it! What the hell caliber is it? Gray is both awed and slightly horrified by the weapon. Awed at its construction and simple but extremely functional design, but horrified at the thought of the amount of damage it appears capable of inflicting at the same time.

“That gentlemen is what I decided to call the Dahlgren 25mm Double Barrel Hand Cannon in honor of Rear Admiral John A. Dahlgren another weapons design visionary. To answer Mr.Gray’s question the caliber conversion equates to .98 caliber. It fires repurposed and  in certain cases re-projectiled unused 25 mm grenade rounds, uhh…misplaced shall we say from the Us Military’s XM25 Punisher field trials, so save your brass Red it’s hard to come by.”

“Long relief scope? A scope Greenie you know I prefer to work up close! What am I going to do with a scope? If I play Peeping Tom again Liz has threatened to burn out my retinas and I believe her!”

I’d believe her too, that little firebrand of your can have quite the temper when provoked and gets insanely hot under the collar! However why don’t you try looking though the scope before complaining about it. Here, try it with these new shooting glasses I had made for you. The glasses scope and gun are meant to be used as a set.” Green removes them from the case, handing them to Red.

Red puts them on, insures the weapon is empty and then start looking through the scope at various objects. “Whoa! Now I understand! How many spectrums composite am I seeing? Hey! It’s identifying your species! He swings weapon towards Mr. Gray Awe its broke already! It can’t make up its mind what he…OH! I get it! Ok that makes sense. Hey Bang! Smile for the hand cannon scope! Huh can’t make up it’s mind about her either…Keeps flipping back and forth between Sentient Technology and non Corporeally possessed machine.”

“That’s because I’m a complicated entity!”

“Nah that’s just woman speak for you can’t even make your mind up about your own self!”

This garners a round of chuckles from all male present and a rude horn sound from C2B2 which has the effect of eliciting another round of chuckles from the males.

Red turns his attention back to the Dahlgren 25mm’s inspection. “Yeah this should do the job alright if he decides not to come quietly if or when the time comes and goes all Big Blue on me. How do I tell the rounds apart?”

“The primers orange are explosive, red are lethal with the silver tips being a mixiture of Cold Iron and Blessed silver pellets. Red primer with the flames on the tip are Dragon’s Breath with delayed detonation, they’ll travel about 50 feet before throwing a 25 foot tongue of white phosphorus, tungsten and metallic Sodium. Green are nonlethal. Green with 4 pronged tip is a tazer cartridge yellow tipped are expanding glue foam- there’s a spray can of solvent in the case with those and a little goes a long way. Orange caps are a Mace & Ghost Pepper combo- don’t be down wind of this as its formulated to be extremely persistent as well as hard to remove. The speckled caps contain multiple tracking agents suspended in a aqueous gel. Blue primers are tranquilizing, the white tips being aerosol dispersing . The flat nose tips are injection darts but unlike most which are piston driven and require a needle these contain a small CO2 charge to deliver the tranquilizer not unlike those public health immunization guns. Simple contact between business end and skin will set it off so technically you can just jab it against a target if necessary. White primers are flare- check the tip for the flares color. The white tips are illumination flares and will last roughly 1 minute and illuminate roughly  300 foot diameter area initially. No color on the primer and it’s a real XM25 grenade fused to air detonate 75 feet from its firing point and has a blast radius of 25 feet.

Black Primer and black case are kinetic energy penetrator rounds. These are  extremely dangerous, I wouldn’t ever recommend firing these one handed even for you as the retain the full powder charge from the original rounds. They fire a single 50 caliber dart of spent uranium and penetrate up to 2 inches of armor or hide. Their residual radiation block most regeneration abilities and allows for tracking. It will make a hole roughly the size of a man’s thumb going in and dinner plate sized exiting the armor. Anything inside the armored vehicle will require a bag of speedi-dry and a wet/dry vac for collection afterwards.”

The weapon will hold 6 rounds maximum, 4 in the cylinder and 2 in the pipes. You can use the slide on the forestock to deselect the lower barrel. this allows you to load a single radically different round from the others you are using as a back up without worry. Reselecting double barrel mode will automatically then select the lower barrel as the next to fire.”

“How do I set the dosage on the tranqs? I’m not going to have time to do no fancy weight estimating and dose calculating. I’m use to them being preloaded for specific targets by someone else. I suspect Mr. Gray would be a tad inconvenienced to say nothing of extremely miffed if I accidentally OD’d Impish or Big Blue.”

Gray who had been cleaning up the area from lunch while enjoying a smoke break was now giving their conversation his full attention.

“Impish has a high drug tolerance. His party animal attitude has had him taking various recreation pharmacopeia periodically for over a century now as near as I can figure. I saw him ingest enough Peyote to kill 4 buffalo and he just got happy complainant and hallucinated. The tranq round you have have a band just above the brass cartridge which meters the amount of CO2 used to  expel the drug. I’ve been assured there should be enough drug in the injector at maximum setting to drop a pissed off full grown Dragon in 20 seconds. The people who assure me of this are in a position to know as they have risked their lives using it on Dragons in that state. Use the Max setting for Big Blue the middle setting for Impish and the lowest setting for any humanoid up to 500#. They should be out cold for roughly 3 to 4 hours and then complaint and co-operative for roughly another half hour once regaining consciousness.”

Clean up having been done and everything returned to C2B2. the three make ready to mount up and return to DL/LL HQ. Green climbs aboard stops before sitting gets down and finds the paper bag with the Jason’s wrappers in the whicker trunk. He takes it over and carefully pins it  under several rocks moving them just so so a blind man would have a hard time not spotting them if searching the area but hidden just enough not to be an obvious plant.

“That’s ecologically unsound you know.” admonished Chitty. “I was shocked to see how much more pollution there was between when I went to sleep and when you woke me up. It’s sad really to see that for all your technological advances how far you’ve regressed in caring about and for your only home.”

“Yes ma’am you are 100 percent correct by and on all accounts and I am in complete agreement with you on the subject. However what you witnessed wasn’t a deliberate callous act of littering, rather it was a careful and subtle posting of a message designed to instill worry and fear thereby causing confusion and useful panic I hope. Think of it as…think of it as both an invitation to and warning of the need for a self intervention by the message’s recipient. Finally unless I’m way off base I don’t think that that bag will be here by this time next week. I think it will have found its way back to HQ with another.

If you say so. Can we get going? It going to be dark soon and I can’t fly in the dark without headlights and that sort of kills the whole benefit of the Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device.

“Before we go anywhere I want a straight answer to a couple of questions.” said Gray somewhat contemplatively, “I think I have a right too them since what has just transpired seems likely to effect me on a far more personal level than any of you.” As he says this Gray turns so he can keep both  Mr. Red and Mr. Green in his line of sight which places him in as best a position as he can obtain to exit the vehicle and flee if he has too.

“All I wanted out of this was my personal head space back. OK so maybe all of this was my fault for calling attention to myself by being unable to resist playing Wilson to Impish’s Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor I don’t know. When I did it I thought I was going to be helping I didn’t ever think things would end up like this for a second. But I have to be honest Green you have a bit of a reputation regarding how you deal with problems that are inconvenient, frustrating or a threat to good order and sanity and right now I’m fighting the urge to draw down on the both of you. I mean suddenly here is freaking Hell Boy whom I didn’t have any idea even worked for us, you’ve given him a gun which seems custom made for hunting Dragons and you are talking DAMNED CASUALLY about shooting Impish like it was a forgone conclusion! I want to know exactly what the plan is and I want to know NOW. I was under the impression that the improvement in things fully seating this earring, which I was never informed of either by the bye, was a promising sign and that things would only get better as all the earrings got fully seated in all the ears of what ever the hell the 3 of us are all together. So tell me exactly what your plans are from this moment on with regard to this problem.”

“Look Gray…it’s not like that…”

“BE QUIET! You little green con man. I want to here it straight from the mouth of your bounty hunting demonic golem here. Well Red what are you planning to do to Impish?”

Red slowly reaches into a chest pocket on his duster and produced a small plastic vial with a tiny object inside offering it to Mr. Blue then dropping it on the front seat Blue formerly occupied. Blue carefully picks it up and sees it contains another earring.

Red says very calm and self assuredly “You’re right I am a heavy hitter. They bring me in for all the really big dirty and nasty jobs. For a while and not just with D.R.A.G.O.N. those have involved me being both physically and technologically out gunned. The Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense just doesn’t have the funds it used to because the government thinks terrorists are scarier plus easier and cheaper to defeat. after I retired just like you guys I saw that things were starting to get really bad in my adopted homeland and that all sorts of nastiness was crawling out of the garbage pits we buried it in. So I started free lancing hoping to make enough money to get me some better stuff. Then I met Mr. Green and he told me about D.R.A.G.O.N. I bartered my services for better weapons and access to some high tech. That’s what the weapon is for, not specifically for Impish or anything else, but to keep me from getting my ass kicked as much an as often cause I’m tired of getting up feeling sore in the morning.

As for my intentions regarding you, Impish and Big Blue”, he points at the vial still in Gray’s hand, “my job is to see that earing installed in his other ear fully and correctly as well as doing to his first one the same thing I did you yours. Now we can accomplish that one of three ways, the easy way, with great reluctance or the bang a gong lets get it on way, the choice is entirely up to Impish. Personally I’d be just as happy to do this the easy way and be home for dinner on time. Liz makes Habanero Poppers that will set your hair on fire they are so good. However I took this assignment because this needs to be stopped from getting any worse and especially before one or all of you go fully nutz honking bozo. Ever seen an insane Dragon? Only think you can do with one is put it down. Anyone left standing on your side once that’s accomplished you call that a win. Get the idea?

Now for the kicker, When Dragons get really old there is a chance they’ll go insane. The chance is higher the more of the Dragon’s lineage that has gone in that direction. Let’s just say that when it comes to Impish and a predilection for heading in that direction well if you want to make a bundle for your kids retirement get a bet down now on his dying of old age with his sanity intact.

Yes we talked about the likelihood I’d have to use the Dahlgren 25 on Impish if he goes Big Blue. Damned right we did! A rampaging scared adult dragon whose already shown a proven track record for  illogical and unconventional thinking has the potential to do as much if not more damage than an insane one. Will I hesitate to shoot him if it comes to it? HELLS NO! But ,I’ve promised only shoot  to incapacitate and/or tranq his big blue scaly ass. That’s all, unless of course the fat lady doesn’t sing and things go really really sideways. OK?

“But…but…what happens if you DO have to shoot him? What then?” asked Gray handing back the vial and sitting down heavily.

“Than all I can tell you is he’s going to be really sore in the morning when he wakes up, just like me.”

Green hands Gray one of the flasks he had pocketed before leaving his office. “Here suck on this a  bit and things are bound to look a little brighter. All we want id to fix thing and regain status quo. You in your life and doing your missions and Impish in hios office pushing out quality material annoying the crap out of me and distracting D.R.A.G.O.N.’s enemies with his illogical and unconventional way of accomplishing his missions. That’s it. Besides if anybody if going to put Impish out of my misery I’m sure as hell not farming the job out! Now, any further objections to our going home? No? Good!

C2B2 you drive, I’ll be drinking. Engage the Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device and you headlamps. In fact put them on high even then select mode 4 for the 3RVCD and lets scare the shit out of some snot nosed twenty-something behind a radar console at NORAD! Giddyup!

Half an hour later, amidst there being more military aircraft in the air in US airspace since the September 11th  2011 attacks. A craft that looked for all the world like the Jupiter 2 from the   60’s Lost in Space television show landed just out side DL/LL HQ and rolled it self inside where once out of sight it transformed in appearance after some slight shimmering back into an empty C2B2.

That was a great bit of fun! I’m going to have to try that aga… OH THAT STINKER! He changed the code again! Hey he erased my memory files for the time we were on that mountain starting from shortly after landing until he told me to drive because he was drinking too the little sneak! Oh well…I’m covered in dirty jet exhaust and bugs I wonder if its too late for an nice wash wax and detailing?