As you get off the elevator you are greeted by a Christmas Wonderland. Garland strung between giant candy canes lead the way to the conference hall. CyberLethals are dressed like toy soldiers. Several of the Monitors have scenes of a fireplace merrily crackling and the soft sound of Christmas Jazz play from them. All except for the on stage overhead one, which strangely shows a still image of Impish sitting straight up in an easy chair, red and green garland with little bells and ornaments is wrapped round the dragon, holding him securely in place.

The Kraft table is easily 4 times the size of normal, with 2 coffee stations a tea station and 3 different hot chocolate stations each sorting 2 urns and various add ins appropriate to the hot chocolates offered at that particular station. The scent of fresh hot Christmas cookies is almost over powering and the first thing in the door you’re handed a napkin by an attentive CyberLethal because your mouth starts watering at an embarrassing rate.

As soon as the last of you get your hot beverage of choice and make your very difficult cookie selection decisions Lethal steps up to the podium and hoisting his mug shout out:

“Nollaig Shona Duit! Merry Christmas my friends!

Impish wanted very much to be here for this issue, but as you can see,” he gestures to the monitor above him “he’s unfortunately quite tied up with another matter. No worries however ,we will have his annual Christmas address later on in the issue.

Before we get started a housekeeping note. All activity here at DL/LL Digital Media’s HQ and the associated Readership Fun Resort & Spa will cease prompt at noon tomorrow Christmas Eve. We will resume operations Saturday 26 December 2015 with Impish’s regular Saturday issue. This is to allow everyone in our employ including ourselves as much time with our respective families as possible for the holiday. Some of us may be leaving earlier that others as we will be traveling for the holiday and indeed our returns may be slightly later than Saturday morning.

However next weekend the Readership Fun Resort & Spa will be open and in full swing for our annual Bring in the New Year Bacchanal Blowout. The festivities will start promptly at 6 PM on Thursday 31 December and continue thru noon on Sunday January 3rd by which time all must be cleared out or pressed into servitude until such times as all the cleaning and repair work are done as is our custom.

Mean time, it’s a very full issue we have again this week so reload your plates and mugs and let’s fall to it shall we?

 

 

What a coincidence! Both Impish and I  sport beards and we’re around a lot more than old St Nick!

As you can see Keebler Towers is now completely decked out and those Keebler Elves have been working day and night to turn out batch after batch of hot fresh Christmas cookies. I’ve reached an agreement with Impish finally. He shows up only twice a day, gets to eat the slightly burnt around the edges & broken cookies and doesn’t attempt stealing or intimidating more cookies out of the elves and I don’t turn the towers defenses on him or tell Santa he’s been bad.

I’m forced to agree with Impish on this one, just the other night Molly and I had a light saber duel with a pair of wrapping paper tubes that rapidly degenerated into a bonking session.

Speaking of Impish, there is another more serious issue I need to address regarding him. See tomorrow isn’t just Christmas Eve it’s extra special because it’s also the day we say:

Many, many millennia… ah…err… centuries… that is decades ago, Impish’s egg rolled out of the nest and cracked, uh cracked open that is.  Since that day he’s been a source of humor and amusement to all who are fortunate enough to come across his path in life.

Please join me in wishing my best buddy Happy Birthday by leaving you wishes in the comments section.

 

Luke 2:1-20New International Version (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus

2 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ²(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.)  And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.  When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,  and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

 

 

Personally this Santa’s screen read  ‘Amazon’

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated….Please read the following carefully…….

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only areas North of the Mason-Dixion Line and Non-secessionist States. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

The history behind some of your favorite holiday dishes

Apple cider

Julius Caesar and his friends found the British drink in 55 BCE. Europeans brought the tradition to the New World, where it was such a huge hit that the trees Johnny Appleseed was planting were specifically to make cider. In the early 20th century, improved refrigeration allowed us to drink the unfermented juice of apples, which led to Americans calling non-alcoholic juice cider, even though the rest of the English-speaking world only used the word for alcoholic beverages.

Candy canes

According to legend, the original candy cane from 350 years ago was actually an all-white sugar stick that was completely straight. In 1670, a choirmaster at a German cathedral bent the sticks to depict a shepherd’s staff and they were given out to children during a nativity scene. The candy arrived in America during the 19th century and at that point the sugar refining process had gotten to the point where it could be pure white, so food dyes were developed better, which brought about the strong red color.

Figgy pudding

It’s not really pudding, at least by American standards. The cake, which is filled with figs and topped with brandy, has been an English Christmas dessert since the 1600s. At that time, it was banned by English Puritans because of the large alcohol content. Some people say there was Medieval custom that ruled pudding

could only be made on the 25th Sunday after Trinity Sunday and it was originally made of 13 ingredients to represent Christ and his 12 apostles.

 

Gingerbread

The first known recipe of the dessert is said to be from Greece in 2400 BCE. Several cultures cultivated the formula that eventually worked its way into England, where Queen Elisabeth was credited with decorating the cookies for the first time.

 

 

 

Eggnog

This drink has a festive history as being a favorite amongst British aristocracy. It’s based on a medieval drink called posset, which had milk, eggs, and some form of alcohol like sherry. Again, all of the ingredients were expensive at the time, so it was exclusive to the wealthy. Eventually people in the American colonies were able to harvest ingredients from farms and the drink became popular again. Actually, the drink you sip on now is unique to America thanks to the rum, which really never caught on with the British elite.

 

Pumpkin pie

Pumpkin goes all the way back to 9000 years ago in Mexico, and was cultivated by Native Americans for centuries. Before modern food preservation methods, pumpkin was roasted or boiled and mixed with pie-like ingredients to make it last longer. It’s thought that the Pilgrims made a similar dish but without the crust.

 

 

Stuffing

Whether or not you call it stuffing or dressing, the first mention of stuffing meat with something for extra flavor shows up in a collection of recipes by Apicius. The ancient cook suggested stuffing hares, dormice, chickens, sardines and squid. Eventually the concept of stuffing meat with meat became very popular among the French. Today, most chefs stick to non-meat fillings.

Fruitcake

(food kind not the liberal kind)

Cranky old aunts have been keeping this dish alive likely since the Middle Ages, when dried fruits and nuts were really expensive. Because of the price of the ingredients and the time and hassle it took to make, it’s assumed that the holidays were felt to be the best time to splurge a little.

 

 

Father Ted and “A Soldier’s Silent Night”

Also known as “​A Soldier’s Christmas,” “Merry Christmas My Friend,” “Christmas Soldier,” and “Christmas Night Song,” Father Ted and “A Soldier’s Silent Night” have been blessing soldiers and their families since 2003.

Father Ted Berndt was a priest at Bread of Life Charismatic Episcopal Church in Dousman, Wisconsin, a proud WWII Marine, a Purple Heart recipient, and our Dad.

He was a husband, a father, a priest, a mentor, an entrepreneur, an author, an artist, a friend and 

a lover of this great country!

In 2003, Father Ted and his oldest daughter, Ellen Stout, collaborated to record “A Soldier’s Silent Night,” with Dad narrating and Ellen producing.  He was proud to complete it in one take, since Dad was a former radio guy in the ’40’s, after the war. Five months after completing the project, Father Ted was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  As he was battling that disease, Ellen was honored to accept a national A.I.R. (Achievement in Radio) award from the March of Dimes on her Father’s behalf.

Father Ted lost his battle on March 19th, 2004.  All he ever wanted to do was to touch lives… to make a difference.  Before he passed, he felt, with this project, he had.

A Soldier’s Silent Night” was played on radio stations across the United States that first Christmas. 

Since then, listeners have shared this project, world-wide!

May “A Soldier’s Silent Night” transcend any opinion about this war or any war, and go deeper to foster an appreciation for the sacrifice and courage of our military and their families.

We are honored and blest to share “A Soldier’s Silent Night” with you every Christmas.

 

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?
• MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
• DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
• NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
• MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
• PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
• PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
• DEPRESSION – Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
• OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell… (YOU GET THE IDEA)
• OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY – The Twelve Days of Christmas (don’t make me repeat that again)
• BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
• PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE – Silent Night

 

 

 

What Child is This – Lindsey Stirling

 

The Winter Solstice

Yesterday marked a major turning point in the annual cycle of the seasons: the winter solstice. It took place at 11:48 p.m. EST on Dec. 21 (0448 GMT Dec. 22). At that moment, the sun reaches its southernmost position in the sky, resulting in the shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, and the longest day of the year in the Southern Hemisphere.

The solstice gets its name from the apparent stop (“stice”) in the motion of the sun (“sol”). The earliest astronomers recorded this phenomenon carefully: Monuments like Stonehenge are thought to have been used to mark the extreme positions of the sun in the sky. The December solstice has long marked the beginning of the new year, and it’s mainly because of slippage in our calendar that it now occurs 11 days before the “official” start to the new year, Jan. 1.

The solstice is a day of celebration in many cultures. The Romans knew it as “Saturnalia,” and the early Christians adopted the date of the solstice to mark the birth of Christ, so that they could celebrate without drawing the attention of their Roman masters.

The solstice will fall on Tuesday or Wednesday, because, although the time of the solstice is exactly the same everywhere in the world, because of local time zones, it falls on different days in different places. The exact time of the solstice this year is 0448 UTC on Dec. 22. (UTC, or coordinated universal time, is the basis for all time zones and is used by astronomers and pilots everywhere.)

In England, where the Earth’s prime meridian lies, the solstice will occur at 4:48 a.m. GMT on Wednesday, Dec. 22. Similarly, in other parts of Europe and in Africa, the solstice will occur in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

In North America, we subtract a number of hours from UTC to get our local times. In most of eastern North America, we are on Eastern Standard Time, and subtract 5 hours, so the solstice falls at 11:48 p.m. on the previous day, Tuesday, Dec. 21. The farther west we go in North America, the earlier the solstice occurs in the evening, so that on the Pacific coast, it occurs at 8:48 p.m. PST.

Remember, these are all exactly the same time in the broader scheme of things; local times are just vagaries of the way we handle time around the world.

IRISH CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS

Ireland, like most countries, has a number of Christmas traditions that are all of its own. Many of these customs have their root in the time when the Gaelic culture and religion of the country were being suppressed and it is perhaps because of that they have survived into modern times.

THE CANDLE IN THE WINDOW

The placing of a lighted candle in the window of a house on Christmas eve is still practiced today. It has a number of purposes but primarily it was an symbol of welcome to Mary and Joseph as they travelled looking for shelter.
The candle also indicated a safe place for priests to perform mass as, during Penal Times this was not allowed.
A further element of the tradition is that the candle should be lit by the youngest member of the household and only be extinguished by a girl bearing the name ‘Mary’.

THE LADEN TABLE

After evening meal on Christmas eve the kitchen table was again set and on it were placed a loaf of bread filled with caraway seeds and raisins, a pitcher of milk and a large lit candle. The door to the house was left unlatched so that Mary and Joseph, or any wandering traveller, could avail of the welcome.

THE WREN BOY PROCESSION

During Penal Times there was once a plot in a village against the local soldiers. They were surrounded and were about to be ambushed when a group of wrens pecked on their drums and awakened the soldiers. The plot failed and the wren became known as ‘The Devil’s bird’.
On St. Stephens day a procession takes place where a pole with a holly bush is carried from house to house and families dress up in old clothes and with blackened faces. In olden times an actual wren would be killed and placed on top of the pole.
This custom has to a large degree disappeared but the tradition of visiting from house to house on St. Stephens Day has survived and is very much part of Christmas.

DECORATIONS:

The placing of a ring of Holly on doors originated in Ireland as Holly was one of the main plants that flourished at Christmas time and which gave the poor ample means with which to decorate their dwellings.
All decorations are traditionally taken down on Little Christmas (January 6th.) and it is considered to be bad luck to take them down beforehand.

TRADITIONAL GAELIC SALUTATION

The Gaelic greeting for ‘Merry Christmas’ is: ‘Nollaig Shona Duit’……which is pronounced as ‘null-ig hun-a dit’.

Celtic Carol – Lindsey Stirling

 

Gingerbread House Detroit Style

And now- a few words by our founder and CDIC (Chief Dragon in Chaos)

The screen which has been showing a still of Impish in an easy chair mummified in garland suddenly blinks black a moment then Impish dragon’s face comes up on screen  sans garland wrappings and he leans forward toward the microphone and…

Tap! Tap! Tap!

“Is this thing on?  Are we recording yet?  We are!”

“Okay, so I should start then?”

“Sound guy, you’re ready?”

A grunting affirmative sound can be heard in the background.  Along with the sound of someone else’s voice saying, “Get on with it already!”

“Cause sound guy, you don’t look ready.  In fact, you look a little bored.”  In a louder voice, while looking around, “Can we please get a non-bored looking sound guy in here?  Geez, this is a professional operation, isn’t it?”

The picture goes black for a second with a loud beep and comes back on and now it’s Impish Dragon with a Santa hat on.  A voice in the background says, “Take 6, rolling.”

“Does this hat look okay?  Does it give the right…”

The screen once again goes black with a beep and when we come back on, Impish is now wearing the hat and a velvety red jacket with white trim.  Again the voice in the background says, “Impish Dragon Christmas Address Take 9, rolling!”

Impish is leaning to the side talking to the makeup girl who is just going off camera, “I think the jacket was a nice touch, don’t you?  Dashing, right?  Hey!  Where are you going?  Come back.”

As the screen goes black again, another voice is saying, “Oh for crying out loud, can someone get Mr. Leprechaun down here to deal with this dragon?”

There is a quick scene that comes up and almost immediately fades back to black, but in the second or two it is on you can see a big, gnarly stick swinging towards Impish’s head, without anyone holding it.

When the screen comes back up again, Impish is sitting straight up in the easy chair he’s been in, red and green garland with little bells and ornaments is wrapped round the dragon, holding him securely in place.  It seems about the only thing he can move is his head and mouth.  Evidence of a struggle is shown by the claw marks in the chair with some of the stuffing coming out and Impish, despite a thick layer of makeup is also clearly sporting a large red and swollen lump on the side of his head and the beginnings of a black eye.

“Merry Christmas Campers!”

“I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how much we appreciate all your love and devotion we have received over the last year.  Christmas is a time of giving and you have all given us much in the way of comments and feedback on our efforts throughout the year in making life just a little merry and happy for you.”

“Sure, we’ve given you the straight story, too and it hasn’t always been what you would think  of as laughable, but we’ve always tried to give you what we think you need.”

“But, during this special season where we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and the incredible sacrifice and gift that He has given us, it is timely and appropriate that we thank you, our friends and family, and those of our friends who’ve become like family, for the gift of love you have given us.”

“To my brother Lethal, whom I love with all my heart, I wish you the Merriest of Christmas’ Spirits.  And to my own family who are out there watching this right now, I love you all with all that I am.  And to my campers and friends who’ve become like family, my heart is yours.”

“May God’s Blessings be upon you and yours and may the spirit of Christmas be with you all year round.”

CUT! FINALLY! Print It! That’s a wrap folks! If we hurry we can still make the issue opening. I hear there is 6 kinds of hot chocolate and over a dozen different cookie types to sample.

Wonder how come I didn’t get an invite? No matter I’ll just poke my head in to make sure the kitchen’s work is up to snuff.

OK you can cut me loose now. Someone? Anyone? Ha-ha ok very funny, now cut me loose!

Guys? Where is everyone? This isn’t funny! Lethal? LETHAL!!!

The screen fades out.

“More Hot Chocolate & Cookies anyone?”

 

Good Morning Campers,

And it is quite literally morning.  It’s one in the morning and I’m still finishing up today’s issue, so no long winded wind ups, no last minute admonishments, let’s just get this party started.

 

Yup, it really looks like it does hurt.  Better than an angel sitting up there.  Now that would REALLY hurt.

 

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Like I said, I think the starfish got off lucky.

If there are any of you who don’t believe in Santa, it’s a sad, sad state of affairs.  We here at DL/LL HQ know he exists, because he cheats!  At cards that is.  Every Tuesday, poker night around here, if Santa is available, he comes around to play cards and cleans us out.  Well, maybe not everyone, Lethal always seems to come out ahead when we get together to play poker.  But, I have seen Santa cheat, there are only 4 aces in a deck of cards, but no one can call him on it because who’s going to believe that Santa Claus would ever cheat!!

Ask the girls, Diaman and Ginny about Santa.  They have both spent a lot of time on his lap, and let me tell you, he wasn’t always sitting in a chair when they do, if you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

And with Star Wars just recently out, they can also be used as a light saber, or if you’re a Game of Thrones fan, you can reenact some of your favorite scenes while using it as a sword.

 

Yup, that’s me, dressed in dragon camo, getting Santa into and out of some of the more…shall we say … stickier neighborhoods.

 

Thanks for sending this one in ladies … and you know who you are!  A Christmas Tree may be better than a man, but is sure as hell ain’t better than a dragon!

 

 

 

This is truly awesome!  hallelujah by Lindsey Stirling on violin!

This is one of my favorite musical pieces and she really does it beautifully.

 

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

‘Tis true.  He does have a lot of balls.

 

Poor Grinch.
Hey!  Wait a minute!
The Grinch is green, Lethal Leprechaun is green…
Has anyone seen Lethal?

Ginny, Diaman, start the search!  Okay, everyone, this issue is temporarily on hold until we do a welfare check on Lethal Leprechaun!

Everyone starts getting up from their seats, grabbing flashlights (which is odd, since it’s daylight) and putting on orange reflective vests that say “DL/LL Search and Rescue” which seem to magically appear in everyone’s lap.  Diaman and Ginny are breaking people into smaller groups and giving them instructions on search grids and areas.  It is all going smoothly or as smoothly as possible, but this group consists of many retired or current military members, members of law enforcement, and other service related people, so for many of the audience, this is not their first dance.

Suddenly, from behind the small stage that Impish usually uses for his Saturday issue, a long slot opens in the floor and a huge computer monitor begins to rise.  The picture is actually appearing, even as the screen continues to rise.  On the screen is Lethal Leprechaun sitting behind a desk.

Okay, okay settle down.  Ginny and Diaman, and all the rest of you, too.  I’m fine.  It was indeed the Grinch who had surgery and, due to his magical/mythical nature, he may have died on the operating table, but he’ll be back and fine in time for next Christmas.  That’s just the nature of cartoon characters.  How many times did Elmer shoot Daffy?  Yet, you can tune in anytime and still see him on TV. 

He glares directly into the camera and says to Impish, You know better than to pull one of these silly stunts before Christmas, hoping that the search crews would find the Christmas present stash before they found me.  You probably didn’t even have my office areas on the search area map so you’d have extra time before someone realized I wasn’t in the hospital.

He snaps his fingers and suddenly all the orange reflective vests rise up off their wearers, fold themselves in the air into neat little squares.  And the orange reflective vests?  You just happened to have 450 of these prepped and ready to go?  Really?  You know you can’t fool me.

Ginny and Diaman are looking over the search areas and realize that Lethal is right.  No one has been assigned to check Lethal’s office area.  They look up and turn a frowning, displeased expression towards Impish.

Lethal Leprechaun snaps his fingers again and suddenly he is dressed quite similarly to one of Santa’s elves.  And for you Impish, I do want to say : “Good Try!” and I do have a present for you that I will give you right now. 

Impish’s eyes light up in anticipation, that is, until he sees what his present consists of on the monitor.

Let’s get on with the issue!

 

 

I love this time of year, and apparently, many of you do, too.  This is a picture of a section of Fun Mountain that is kept in the Christmas tradition all year long.  So, when you need a little magical pick up, there is nothing more magical than a snow covered little town at Christmas time.

 

 

 

I asked 100 women what shower soap they were using.

The most popular reply was:

“How the fuck did you get in here?”

 

 

 

This has been around for several years now, but it’s never been as appropriate as it is lately.

And that is just perfect.

 

 

 

 

And that reminds me of a retired friend of mine when I asked him if he had a job.

He told me, “I’m my wife’s sexual advisor.”

I must admit I was a little shocked at that, so I asked him what he meant by that?

“It’s very simple,” He told me.  “My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask for it.”

 

 

 

 

 

Of course he’s a Hillary supporter……..

 

 

My Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, sent me this very touching Christmas story…

Nice Christmas Story.

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had
a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry store we
went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that
jewelry store.”

He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”

How touching!  How sweet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you enter the Conference Room your noses tell you something is off. Sure you smell coffee, but that is all you smell. In fact you notice the entire Kraft table is missing only the coffee set ups to either side are in place. A bunch of DL/LL employees are scurrying around the room as is Lethal shining lights into dark recesses checking behind curtains and apparently give the back stage area quite the once over. Shortly calls of ‘CLEAR!’ can be heard as each completes their assigned area’s inspection. Several more employees come in behind you carrying what appear to be 6×6 garden landscaping timbers and disappear back stage one timber to each side.

When one team returns and shoots Lethal the thumbs up before exiting Lethal taps on his headset and says “Cookie Team- GO! GO! GO!”, then calls off stage to the side where the employees with the timber have yet to return from “Stand By They’re Enroute”. He then gestures to the 4 CyberLethals at the heavy doors you enter through. Two begin pull from the outside as two push from the inside. Shortly the doors are closed, barred, braced against possible siege from without and guarded by the four CyberLethals, two from without and two from within. As murmurings begin to run through the assembled readers, Lethal make take it easy gestures while continuing to glance off stage.

Suddenly a call is heard from off stage of “Arriving!” followed by the sound of a freight elevator being opened and  lot of crosstalk as movement of something from the elevator is co-ordinated.

 

Shortly as the most wondrous smell of freshly baked piping hot cookies makes it’s way to your noses there is the sound of frantic hammering off stage. As a giant table laden with freshly baked Christmas cookies appears like a Christmas miracle from off stage, a cry of triumph is head from back stage ‘Got it! Freight Elevator #2 secured!’

Once he has supervised the moving of the table down in position between the twin coffee stations and shagged a couple cookies Lethal returns to the podium. “Sorry about all that folks it was sort of unavoidable however. See I couldn’t take a chance…..” He’s interrupted by the sound of objects crashing into the door and of a bellow of “Get out of my way this is an Emergency I smell fresh Christmas cookies! Why is this door locked?” (The door suffers several blows shaking in its frame.) “Lethal?! You open this door RIGHT NOW!”

In between threats to his person and while he appears to be texting a message Lethal manages to complete his interrupted statement with a terse “well can you see what I was afraid of happening?” just before Impish starts up again with “COME ON! OPEN THIS DOOR YOU LITTLE GREEN GRINCH BEFORE I MAKE A CHRISTMAS TREE TOPPER OUT OF YOU WITH A CHRISTMAS TREE SUPOSITORY! I was only joking about needing a dozen dozen cookies! Seriously! Can’t you take a joke? OPEN THIS…. damned phone! A text message? Three dozen cookies and a cup of Brown Gold in my Office? HARUMPH! Get them before you tell the office staff they are there?! (heard as Impish’s voice recedes down the hall) “DON’T YOU DARE THOSE COOKIES ARE MINE! ALL MINE!”

Enjoy the cookies and the issue. You’ll find its an extra long one this week, since due to Holiday obligations and logistics here at Keebler Towers, next week’s issue may possibly be somewhat abbreviated in length, though I still plan on putting one out. Also rest assured I will continue my tradition of the DL/LL Digital Media Christmas Edition including a version of ‘A Soldier’s Silent Night’ in honor of all our Deployed/On Duty/Home but mentally still Deployed troops.

“

I don’t know why but this cup of mine frightens the hell out of a lot of people.

As you can see our Christmas event coordinator, Holly Evergreen has been hard at work decorating both here in DL/LL HQ and over at our  Recreation Center. More photos of her efforts later on in the issue.

Especially Ginny (WOW! You were NAUGHTY a freaking LOT), Diaman and Impish!

SPEAKING of Diaman, our favorite West Coast Minx has been under the weather for a while now due to a health issue. She’s stoically undergone several procedures to alleviate/correct the issue but so far is not seeing the promised results from them. To make things even worse the accompanying medication that is used in conjunction with the procedures to correct the problem is bringing on other undesirable issues as well!

She was enduring all this in silence right under our noses not saying a word until I got to wondering what mischief she was getting into because she was so quite (something I’ve learned from being around puppies, toddlers and cats- if its too quite something is most likely wrong and you don’t know it.)

Diaman is the first to offer prayers, well wishes, commiserations and a humorous word any time any one is sick. It’s about time she was on the receiving end for a change!

You guys know what to do, lets see those comments pile up faster than Impish’s calorie count from Christmas cookies consumed!

 

 

One of Impish’s Virgins helping out Holly Evergreen by trimming one of the myriad of trees that have been put up have in her Christmas Stockings.  I must say she really does deck our halls quite nicely! Hope she remembers to hang my favorite ornament:

Sadly others are having a much harder time with the decorating as seen here:

 

 

So Molly and I have this system when it comes to buying Christmas presents for each other. See I love her dearly but even she acknowledges that she is bad at the buying me presents thing. To be fair, while I have never had a problem in this area Molly can be harder than most of my previous female nonfamily Christmas present recipients to buy for.

See in my case she basically has no idea other than guns, ammo, knives and gift cards to places like Think Geek, Amazon or Cyber Guys.  Oh for sure she knows that Bushmill’s and artisan Game Summer Sausages are always a hit, but her problem is these things are never a surprise.

As for me with her, we long ago made an agreement not to buy each others clothes. She tends to be a bit fussy about jewelry. This is partly a taste thing (though I think I’ve gotten that figured out pretty good after 14 years of gift giving) and that she is afraid to wear expensive jewelry to work because she breaks necklaces and loses earrings like nobody I’ve ever seen. Since we rarely go to fancy places where she’d wear it otherwise (that’s just not who we are) it would just sit in the box in the safe.

So the deal we made is exchange e-mails something Thanksgiving Day with a list of items and links to them. There needs to be about a dozen ranging in price from stocking stuffers to serious gift. We’re free to buy off list as well (usually these are gag gifts or in store ‘OMG! That SO …. ‘moments)

I was shocked this year when Molly said there was a chair she wanted. Doubly so when she confessed it was an antique and would probably have to go in my home office , which is soon to be our home office.  I got her a desk w/ built in bookcase, office chair, lamp and I’m currently in the process of clearing out a lateral file cabinet drawer for her to use so she no longer has to do school work from her Lazy Boy unless she wants to. ( ok I’ll admit this also means I can go back to watching TV at night fro the couch while she is studying but that’s just a benefit she’s been saying she wanted a desk for months now)

That is I was shocked at least until I saw the photo of the chair she wanted.

She claims that since its treadle powered (its on the other side) that it is an exercise device.

2015 Johnson Family Dubstep Christmas Light Show – Featured on ABC’s The Great Christmas Light Fight

 

Behind the scenes tour of the Johnson Christmas light show

 

Honestly this make over is so extreme I’m not really certain where this is. I think it’s in the reception area of the Recreation Facility.

New Religious Sect, Discovered in Alaska!

 

 

Winner of ABC’s “The Great Christmas Light Fight” World’s best LED Christmas light show

 

 

 

Champagne Punch Perfect For A Christmas Or New Year’s Party

 

Champagne Holiday Punch

Ingredients:

1 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
3 cinnamon sticks
4 whole cloves
2 cups cranberry juice
1/2 cup pineapple juice
1 bottle champagne (Korbel Brut works great)
Small amount of Grand Marnier (or any orange liqueur you prefer)
Red sugar
Green sugar

In a saucepan, bring water, sugar, cinnamon sticks and cloves to boil.
Reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes.
Discard cinnamon and cloves.
Cool to room temperature and pour into a large pitcher.
Add cranberry juice and pineapple juice.
Chill in fridge until ready to serve.
At serving time, add 1 bottle of chilled champagne.

When serving, put the red sugar, green sugar and Grand Marnier in a three-part dish or in three separate bowls.  Dip the rim of the champagne glass into the Grand Marnier (or whatever orange liqueur you’ve using) then into one of the sugars.

If having a party, I recommend at least doubling, tripling or quadrupling this recipe, because it’s a huge hit and folks keeping coming back for more.

A miniatures bottle of Grand Mariner or Southern Comfort is about all you’ll need to rim glasses for roughly 2 batches. They’ll be cheaper than a whole bottle and you wont have it hanging around after. If you do have left over I recommend putting it in a hot cup of tea with some honey to warm you up.

If you stare at it long enough you will find a Christmas spirit hidden in the picture.

I finally got Holly Evergreen to stand still long enough to snap a photo of her! She’s been very busy, Molly has even talked her into attacking err…decorating our residence in Keebler Towers:

Even my private study was invaded!

 

 

Troops Surprise Families for the Holidays

 

I’ll bet Impish is working on a similar letter right about now too!  Santa has repeatedly told me it’s one of the highlights of the holiday season for him. Seems thinking back to the letter helps get him belly laughing on cue.

The Godfather’s Godson.

 

A shot of what I am informed is a partially finished great room at the lodge area of the Recreation Facility. I understand more decorations and some furniture moving is yet in store so that the Patrons can gather in comfort for our Annual Christmas Eve gift exchange and the  Great Eggnog & Grog Guzzle.

 Well I see Impish’s Virgin have found another creative use for Christmas lights!

Speaking of creative usage of Christmas lights, have any of you seen Santa’s new wheels rollin’ out shopping?

Told you we’d see more of Holly Evergreens tree trimming assistant. She appears to be hard at it to.  Man are halls decked!

This one is courtesy of Jersey Ginny

Coincidentally that was the last time Ginny went to a Christmas Party alone, drank too much spiked Egg Nog then rode home with her bare bum hanging out the sunroof of the limo! – Or at least that’s what Impish told me.

Speaking of the Ginster she sent this one along too:

 

 

This Looks Like A Normal Grocery Store, But When The Lights Go Out? Awesome.
It took a team of cashiers, 13 different hidden cameras and a whole lot Christmas spirit to pull off this epic holiday surprise!
Edeka, Germany’s largest supermarket chain, decided to surprise its shoppers with a seasonal treat. In an attempt to liven up the otherwise boring chore of grocery shopping, these cashiers opted to delight their patient shoppers with a choreographed orchestra that beeped the holiday classic, “Jingle Bells.”

That’s Molly’s idea of the perfect Christmas Tree. Me not so much. Now this tree idea however,  I could really get behind.

Mog’s Christmas Calamity

Ladies pay attention! It’s the prefect gift! One size pretty much fits all and even it it don’t we ain’t gonna complain. Plus even if we just opened one we’re extremely happy to get another!

 

Damned liberals! That’s just taking the war on Christmas too far!

Good Morning Campers

No big lead in this week, I’ve gotta work again this weekend and I’m way behind.  Haven’t had a day off in about a month, so my mind is kinda blank. 

But!!!!!!

I am taking a couple of days off around Christmas and can’t wait to spend some time really giving you guys a great issue.  But, I really don’t think any of you will complain about this one, It’s packed full of great stuff!

So …

By the way…in the title… 13 SDTC?  Shopping days till Christmas!!

 

Okay campers, I gotta start out with a GREAT website

This is absolutely great satire.  Thanks to Jean for sending me the link.  From The People’s Cube.

Thoughts and prayers don’t work; here’s what does!

Commissarka Pinkie 

8 things that work better than thoughts and prayers

Every time we suffer the consequences of climate change and hateful GOP rhetoric, Republicans always respond by offering “thoughts and prayers.” The Party has decreed that Thoughts and Prayers do not address the problem, and only highlights how little Republicans care about anything. 

So what does work more effectively than Thoughts and Prayers? Presented below, for your consideration, are just a few of The Party’s tried and true methods for showing how much more we care than they do. 

1. Awareness Ribbons: 

Wearing an awareness ribbon shows everyone how much you care. When you see someone wearing an awareness ribbon, you know they care. 

Awareness ribbons come in different colors for different issues. Don’t know what issue a certain color signifies? Ask the wearer, and they’ll tell you! Just like that, you’ll be aware of the issue! See how that works? The ribbon really works! And since you don’t want to be seen as uncaring, you’ll want to wear one, too! 

You can’t wear Thoughts and Prayers on your lapel or bra strap. 

For the other 7 things that work better than thoughts and prayers click on the title of the article of click here: http://thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog/8-things-that-work-better-than-thoughts-and-prayers-t17272.html

Be sure to read the comments, they are as funny as the article.

 

Okay, so I’ll another website.  This one is just for fun.
27 Ridiculous People Who Will Make You Lose All Faith In Humanity
http://www.viralnova.com/all-time-fails/?mb=vnnl&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ViralNova%20Daily%202015-12-01&utm_term=All%20of%20Viralnova

 

Dang!  That would be the perfect breakfast!  A slice of coffee to go with your morning coffee!

 

In the wonderful spirit of Christmas, there comes this video from Improve Everywhere.  You guys know how much I love these!  This one is brilliant…okay, so yeah, pun intended.

 

How Dare Her!!!

 

Ah, he’s a junior democrat in training

 

I know people like that.

 

I love good lawyer jokes.  Okay, not good lawyers, that’s an oxymoron, but good jokes that are about lawyers…. you see…never mind.

 

A great little essay; it says things quite clearly.

Pass this on to all you know.  Can we possibly be the people who take “individual acts of defiance”? 

 

 

Kiss me, I’m draconian.  Impish Dragon under the mistletoe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Playing hide-and-seek in the complex, here’s one of our favorite girls hiding in plain sight as a statue.

 

 

One of the harshest and most desperate landings ever seen!  You’ve got to watch this:

 

 

Now, that’s actually a much better Dragon Laffs motto than the one we have. 

 

If you’re old enough, you’ll get that one….here’s what they are referring to:

Spy vs. Spy from Mad Magazine!

 

 

Okay, so it was so funny, I had to run it again.  Poor baby.

Well, I knew Ginny had an attitude, but really…

You tell me, this is what she sent me on Friday.

I  really got so pissed off this morning, I was out for a walk when I came across 3 Muslim women in full robes. 

I thought to myself I should make an effort and try to talk to them to understand their culture and
welcome them to mine.

I tried talking to them for about ten minutes, without a single response,not a sound.

I was about to hurl a mouthful of abuse at them for being so ignorant when I realized I was talking to 3 outdoor umbrellas!

 

I like this one a lot.  Why do we change our whole world for a few people who get offended?  A few atheists don’t want God in anything and the whole damn world goes crazy and we don’t pray in school, we don’t have an opening prayer at our children’s sporting events, This whole “I’m offended” thing is for the birds.  I’m going along with Sam Elliott.  Pussies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This very special picture comes straight from Papa Dragon Most Senior!  Thanks dad!

 

 

Yup.  Every day I look in the mirror and my very first thought is, “What the hell happened?  I was a young man yesterday!!”

Yeah, that’s my dad!

 

Okay, so today’s Last Word is an article that my brother, the Owl, sent to me and it cracked me up and made me feel so bad that I had to share it with you.

So, here’s the article, in its entirety.  Let me know if it cracks you up, too!

Florida man eaten by alligator while hiding from deputies

Okay, so are you laughing yet?  I am!

BAREFOOT BAY, Fla. — After a night of allegedly burglarizing a Florida neighborhood, a suspected criminal was eaten by an 11-foot alligator while hiding out from a team of deputies combing the area in search of him.

New details about the suspect’s bizarre end emerged Monday from Barefoot Bay, Fla., a neighborhood on the state’s east coast, Central Florida News 13 reports.

It was there on Nov. 13 that Matthew Riggins and an accomplice allegedly broke into homes in the middle of the night, according to authorities with the Brevard Sheriff’s Office.

The 22-year-old had allegedly called his girlfriend to tell her he was “going to do burglaries” in the Barefoot Bay area, sheriff Maj. Tod Goodyear said.

Neighbors had called 911 to report seeing two men dressed in black lurking behind homes, sparking a search team of sheriff deputies, K-9 units and a helicopter to descend on the area.

Deputies were walking near a pond when they spotted a patch of matted-down grass. Then they heard screaming. Then it went silent.

The search was called off that night and soon after, officials said, Riggins’ family reported him missing. Investigators believe he met a violent end.

“He probably went into the lake to hide from the officers and the dog, and at some point he came across that gator,” Goodyear told Central Florida News 13.

Ten days after deputies heard screaming coming from the pond, Riggins’ body was found floating in the water.

As they searched the pond, sheriff’s divers encountered an 11-foot gator, which was then euthanized. Inside the animal’s stomach the Medical Examiner found proof of how Riggins was killed, Central Florida News 13 reports.

Goodyear said he’s never seen a suspect eaten by a gator in his years on the force.

“To hide somewhere to try and get away, and then meeting up with an animal like that? No, I’ve never had that happen before,” Goodyear said.

As for the accomplice, Central Florida News 13 reports investigators have a man in custody but that he is not cooperating with the investigation. He has not been charged in the case.

“I would say it was poetic justice, if you want to sit there and steal from people,” neighbor Chuck Stokes said when he learned of the ordeal.

Okay, I’m sorry, but if that ain’t karma, then I don’t know what is!  Very fitting!

 I have to say Impish’s lack of an appearance last Saturday caught me by surprise. Especially since we had found him hand him treated and retrieved him after a…’transportational mishap’ by late Friday afternoon. Here’s what happened.

Wednesday 2 Dec 2015 approximately 14:00 Hrs. @ DL/LL HQ. Dragon Mountain.

“Uhh… Hi Impish old buddy & pal [Lethal to Security & Veterinary- Impish confronting me Level 18 Section 5 near Corporate Vault]…uhh… haven’t seen you in a day or two. The flagon with the Dragon holds the brew that is true?“ (Retreating slightly & reaching for back of his coat)

“Why are you reaching behind your back?  Whatta ya have back there?  More turkey?  Stuffing?  Maybe some gravy your keeping from a dragon?”

Pulls out the Sonombulizer.  “Just this. Now it’s my turn to ask a question, why you running around with a dirty gravy ladle and a 1/2 eaten turkey leg crooning to them?”

“My precious?  THEY ARE MINE!!!!!”

“Ok! Ok ! I just asked. The flagon with the Dragon holds the brew that is true. Wadda ya say we go get some? My treat. Brown Gold even.”

“Oh hey Lethal.  What. Um. What’s up?

Why am I….? Why are we….? What’s going on?”

(Adjusts settings on Sonombulizer) “Why don’t you tell me ?  Starting with explaining what you’re carrying and have been for a few days.” Zzzzz! [Pot clangs several times as it falls and bounces on floor] “Sleep my gluttonous Golum and dream of pterodactyl sized turkeys.”

>>Wednesday 2 Dec 2015 approximately 16:00 Hrs. @ Veterinary Infirmary DL/LL HQ. Dragon Mountain.<<

(Beeping sounds in regular rhythm ) “Impish? We were having a conversation when you got this confused look and started to talk your gravy label like you were Golum. So I had to put you in nap mode.”

“Yeah. That was then. This is, oh look! powdered sugar covered Donuts!”

No! Those are the… ZZZIT!.. (sigh!)… or were the defibrillator paddles. 

Thump!

Sigh! (Muttering) “Dumb ass. Let him sleep it off doc, send the ladle to the kitchen and incinerate that turkey leg. I’ll call for the transport to the Hokey Pokey Clinic. Seems our boy needs some sort of a detoxification stay.”

>>Wednesday 2 Dec 2015 approximately 18:00 Hrs. @ DL/LL HQ. Dragon Mountain.<<

“Deck the halls with balls of red tape fa- la la-la la, la la-la la.GOOD AFTERNOON Mr Dragon! Welcome back to the Hokey Finokey Clinic. I hope your stay with us will be a productive one for you. We pride ourselves on help people turn themselves around as you know.

Now I see here you’re here for our detox program, a turkey overdose I believe & also to explore according to Dr. Quack the possibility of your attempted suicide when you came down from it.”

(Unintelligible mumbling) !!!????

“You going to deny you have 2nd degree electrical burns of the tongue & mouth from biting down on charged defibrillator paddles? Hardly seems like something anyone w/o a death wish would do now does it?

“Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!”

“You could easily given yourself drain bramage!”

“Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!

Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!

Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!

!!!!!!!”

“Really! Such rude language is entirely unnecessary sir! If you promise to behave, I’ll remove the muzzle.”

“Ggggggrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!”

“An allergy to duct tape adhesive you say? Alright I’ll make a note here on you chart and remove it,  but understand the repercussion will be…severe if you try anything or keep using that tone & potty mouth with me.

Hold still. THERE is that better?”

Impish nods sullenly.

“I’ll just go see where your liquid lunch has gotten too. I’m afraid your on a liquid diet until those wounds heal. Push the button when you feel like talking to me again.”

(Sometime later as Impish continues his sullen revenge plotting brooding)

“Sorry to disturb your brooding Mr Dragon but your attorney a Mr. Leprechaun left a message for you.”

“Hrumph!  What did the green one want from me now?”

“He said (quote) ‘Stop gold bricking get over T-Day being over accept your partial victory get your head on straight and get back to work!’

He reminds you you have an issue to do for Saturday & you have no sick days left.”

“Like I’m supposed to work in THIS place?  I don’t think so.”

‘He’s generously offered to make this your permanent office if you cannot (quote) ‘get your head of of your smells like the ghost of turkey past ass’.”

“I NEVER wanted to go through this again and yet here I am. And I’m expected to put out a humor issue?  This is my worst nightmare.”

“Oh and good news! Gunny Heartless is cutting his R &R short to return Friday when he heard you were back with us!

He’s eager to get started on your case.”

“Who wants to do what?”

“Well we did take a rather serious reality break after quite the turkey bender didn’t we? Then try to kill ourselves when confronted with reality? You really do need a cleanse and exercise is part of detoxification after all.”

“So I’ve been told. All I remember is sleeping it off.”

“Gunnery Sgt. Hartless he was your PT instructor? I’m not surprised you don’t remember. 400 watt seconds that close to you brain is sure to do some memory scrambling.”

“Yeah. The devil in my own personal hell.”

“Well if that’s the way you feel why not talk to Dr Phil? You do have we hours before Ginny Hartman arrives.  Maybe you can convince him Dr Quack was mistaken. Maybe in your groggy state you thought they were something else. Sugar cookies perhaps?”

“Yeah. That worked so well last time. He shows up I’ll probably eat him. So yeah, I might as well use this lap top and work on the issue b…”

“And while you’re at it how about telling us the way into DL HQ through that mine so we can stop Mr. Leprechaun from ever doing this to you again? Can you do that for Dr. Clinton- Mezvinsky?”

Coffee could literally be a lifesaver

CNN)Throughout the ages, coffee has been called a virtue and a vice for our health. The latest study comes down in favor of virtue: It says that drinking coffee, whether regular or decaf, could reduce the risk of death.

Researchers started with data from surveys of adults in the United States that asked how much coffee they consumed, as well as other foods and drinks, and then they looked at their rates of death and disease over the following two decades.

The study was large, including more than 200,000 women and 50,000 men.

At first, researchers did not see an obvious relationship between coffee consumption and death rates. Study participants who drank between less than a cup of coffee and three cups a day had 5% to 9% lower risk of dying than those who drank no coffee. Those who drank more than three cups a day did not see any benefit. The finding was murky, like previous studies, some of which suggested a benefit and some did not.

But when the researchers looked at coffee consumption only among people who said they never smoked, the relationship became clearer: Those who drank between less than a cup of coffee and three cups a day had 6% to 8% lower risk of dying than noncoffee drinkers. Those who drank three to five cups and more than five cups had 15% and 12% lower death rates.

“The lower risk of mortality is consistent with our hypothesis that coffee consumption could be good for you (because) we have published papers showing that coffee consumption is associated with lower risk of type 2 diabetes and (heart) disease,” said Ming Ding, a doctoral student in the Harvard School of Public Health department of nutrition. Ding is the lead author of the study, which was published on Monday in the journal Circulation.

 

 

Don’t invite the viper inside! Leave the Syrian refugees over there!

Google launches annual Santa Tracker site w/ updated Android app

Google knows all, including where Santa is. I’m not just talking about on Christmas Eve, but also what he’s doing while on vacation. If you want to join in on the tracking, check out the newly updated Santa Tracker website and Android app.

Both feature a countdown to Santa taking off on Christmas Eve, when people (mostly children) can track Santa’s whereabouts as he is delivering presents all over the world via Google Maps. Until then, the updated-daily site has fun activities and information on other holidays celebrated around the world.

The updated app includes several fun games where you can earn achievements and rank on leaderboards in Play Games. There are also various festive Android Wear watch faces featuring Santa and elves. For the first time, this year there’s also a Google Cardboard component and an Android TV app that allows you to track Santa’s journey when the countdown to Christmas Eve is finished.

To partake in the fun, head on over to the Santa Tracker website and download the app on Google Play.

 

Don’t laugh! It’s a vast improvement on how he previously handled the situation. He used to ask for wing sauce when handed one!

Here’s a fast & handy tip for picking ripe but not over avocados for the holiday

White Chocolate Cranberry Cookies

 

Total Time: 1 hr 50 min
Prep: 20 min
Inactive: 1 hr
Cook: 30 min
Yield: 2 dozen
Level: Easy

 

 

Ingredients

1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 large egg
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 cup dried cranberries, chopped
3/4 cup white chocolate chips
3/4 cup macadamia nuts, chopped

 

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheet with parchment paper.
With an electric mixer, cream the butter and both sugars together until smooth. Add the vanilla and egg, mixing well. Sift together the flour and baking soda. Spoon the flour mixture gradually into the creamed sugar mixture. Stir in the cranberries, white chocolate chips and macadamia nuts. Drop by heaping spoonfuls, about 2 tablespoons, onto the prepared baking sheets, 2 inches apart. Bake one sheet at a time until lightly golden on top and the edges are set, 12 to 15 minutes. Cool on the sheet about 5 minutes, and then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Store in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

Cinnamon-Roll Pie Crust

Kick your holiday pie up a notch

Ingredients

1 package pie crust
4 tablespoons butter, melted
½ cup brown sugar
2 teaspoons cinnamon
½ teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Directions

1. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the pie crust a few times to even it out to about ½-inch thickness.

2. In a small bowl, mix the butter with the sugar, cinnamon and vanilla extract to combine. Spoon the mixture into the center of the crust. Use a spatula to spread it evenly over the entire crust.

3. Starting with the side closest to you, roll the crust into a tight spiral. Cut the finished spiral into ½-inch-thick pieces.

4. On a lightly floured surface, use a rolling pin to roll each piece into a ¼-inch-thick round. Place the pieces in a pie plate, overlapping them slightly and pressing to seal. (If the pieces aren’t sticking together well, use a little water to help “glue” them.)

5. Continue placing rounds of dough in the pie plate until the entire plate is full; trim any excess hanging over the edge. Use the tines of a fork to press indentations all around the edge. Chill the crust well before filling and baking, and bake according to your preferred pie recipe.

 

 

 

Molly is so unabashed about being naughty!

 

 

 

An emotional Christmas ad shows why you mustn’t wait until it’s too late

I wouldn’t ever recommend doing what the grandfather character does in this emotional German advertisement, but it does make a good point about how important it is to be home with family for the holidays.

OH! Almost forgot! Got to tell you the rest of the Impish story!

When we left off Dr. Clinton- Mezvinsky had just casually asked Impish about the location of and how to access secret entrance via the mine in the  Campground…

“By the way, we can’t seem to get that vest off you. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with out it?  Why don’t you take it off for us? We like to study errr…CLEAN it for you.”

“No. The vest stays with me.”

“But it has…stains from your last…uh…meal all over it. Wouldn’t you like it back all nice and clean?”

“I. Said. No!”

“Now really Mr. Dragon how do you expect us to every let you out of here if you don’t cooperate with your liberal brain…uhh…recovery?”

”Just leave me alone to type.”

“Now how about at least telling us the secret ways in so we can report on your progress to Mr Leprechaun and surprise him to death.”

“How about you get the green one to come and visit me. Or let me talk to him on the phone?”

“Well we don’t wish to bother him now do we? After all he’s very busy replacing you.”

“Oh that bastard!!  Get him on the phone so I can tell him off. “ (Surreptitiously rubs earring.)

《…electronic fuzz & noise…Green to Blue…extraction in 10 mikes… more noise…ambulance hijacked…comms jambed…hang tough…signal fades》

“So do I get a phone or what?”

(He feels a restless stirring in his chest pouch)

“I’m sorry patients don’t get privileges for the first 72 hours and not after that if they refuse to cooperate. And frankly your attitude reeks of uncooperation.”

(Impish scratches his chest while tamping down on stirring). “Just stop! Ok. Then come back and see me in 72 hours. How do you want me to cooperate. I said I’d work on the issue.”

Chelsea switches tactics and attempts to exploit a perceived weakness, his stomach. “Do you wish something to eat? A turkey dinner with all the trimmings perhaps?”

“BURRRRRPPPPP!!!!!! No. I think I’m good. But thanks.”

( He hears faint but definate sounds of hubbub in the distance…)

“As you wish Mr. Dragon, as you wish. Mark my words however you cooperate or you’ll never leave here.”

(Talking louder). “Maybe a pizza?  You got pizza?” (Starting to sing loudly). “Oh Pizza, how I love pizza.”

“I can get you a Pizza, perhaps a Poppa’s Meat Lovers Favorite?”

“Just extra pepperoni  and extra sausage.” (singing again) “Oh how I love pizza!”

(Tapping at the door) “YO! Pizza Delivery!”

“Oh and there they are!” (Impish runs over and open the door. (Or tries to)

“What? How that even poss…” (door gets kicked in) “I SAID PIZZA TO THE RESCUE PIZZA DELIVERY!”  Mr. RED stands in door  (no pizza).

“Hi guy!  What took you so long?”

“Let’s go Blue- I’m double parked.”

“As you wish, Mr. Red. Hey!  Where’s the pizza?  I thought you were good with the details.”

“We’ll discuss that later. Let’s go or the pizza is going to be over cooked I was all out of subtlety when Green called for a delivery.” (Impish hears a familiar honk outside then a chain gun)

“Yeah. He has the worst timing.”

“Hear that? Her friends want to tow my ride. Get a jiggle on please. I ain’t hanging round deze  parts or asking nice a third time. Can you walk or this going to be a drag by tail extraction?”

Running (waddling) towards car sounds.  “I’m going. I’m going.”

“Guess that answers that. See ya mini Hillary, we’re out of here.” (Drops a belt after pulling a cable from it.)

C2B2 backs up to Blue hard enough to dump him unceremoniously in the back seat and making his chest pouch grumble. Red hits her rear bumper as she takes off and leaps over Blur into front seat as he yells “Shotgun!”

Opening up the chest pouch to let Brutus while out chuckling at Reds shotgun call Impish is somewhat dismayed, to now be sporting a salmon jerky scented hairball down the front of him.

“STOP LAUGHING! AUTO 10 GAUGE ON THE FLOOR BACK THERE! USE IT BEHIND US.”  (bullets go flying by)

Impish picks up the gun and starts shooting suppressively back at the liberals. “Where’s Hillary?!”

As he comes up with another drum shotgun  and spares a glance forward he sees an APC racing towards them.

“That was Chelsea back there. Dunno where the witch is currently. We managed to lose her and her broom on the way in.”

“Damn. Would’ve liked to have gotten a shot at her.”

Red looks back at Impish “That bird would mess you up way worse than a spoiled turkey dude.”

“Yeah. But just a shot. You know?”

Red grunts in agreement. “Sooner or later she’ll mess up. Then we’ll all get shots.” (Blue white flames hit APC from the side. Slow down a bit so I can grab Liz please Mz Bang.

“I can hardly wait.”

(Brief deceleration and suddenly Red’s lap is full of a barely decently clad in black leathers girl covered in blue fire.

“Whoa. That was cool.”

Red chuckles, “I’m an expert in picking up hot women fast.”

She swats playfully at Red then winks in Impish’s direction sassily replying “And the flames are real not like that Mockingjay poser.”

“So I see. Waaaayyyy cool. I’m pretty good with fire, too.”

“Mines hotter.”

“Agreed. Yeah wow!!!”

Liz turns to Red, “The little guys kinda cute. Can we keep him or is he Lethal’s pet?”

“Hey!  I’m nobody’s pet!!!  Wait!- You think I’m cute?”

“No not you! The cat hanging out of your chest like an Alien.”

A bedraggled Brutus grumps at this and cries “Mome Maow!”

“What? Brutus?  He ain’t no pet either. He’s… He’s my partner!  And my friend.”

Red chuckles “Yes Brutus that where we’re going.” Hands Impish a cigar. “Just chew if you light it Miss Bang here will likely dump you then you’ll need a recovery from your rescue.”

“Mmph!”  Brutus slams Impish with his head and glares expectantly. Impish pets his head. “Relax. We’ll be home soon.”

Liz (whose flames have gone out) makes kissy noises at Brutus and says “Come to me precious I’ll pet you and scratch you’re ears for you just like I used to.”

“Don’t do it Brutus. It’s a trap!”

Brutus dumps Impish like an ugly chick in a bar. He’s in Liz’s arm on his back wriggling and doing his best imitation of Frankie playing Mrs. Dragon for attention before Impish even knows it’s happened. 

“Wow. Some loyalty! Wow, seriously, I’ll remember this.”

Red chuckles at this saying ‘I hope not I got money riding sez you won’t. That cig……”

A sudden voice next to his head wakes a fitfully dozing Impish who promptly bangs his head on the underside of his desk.

“Good Morning Mr. Dragon-
Your mission choose to accept it or not is to get your ass out of the rack and make up for lost time on your issue. This message will not self destruct in 10 seconds.  However a squad of magical dancing shillelaghs will appear in 15 seconds to pummel anything in the room living and horizontal larger than a cat. GOOD LUCK Impish.”

Rolling more or less upright and holding a pounding head, Impish peers around. His office?

When…how did he get here? Last clear memory he has is of talking to Lethal in the Veterinary Infirmary. After that its a jumble of bad  B movie nightmare scenes. Was it all a dream? He’s confused thoughts are interrupted by the aforethreatened magical dancing shillelaghs arriving and circling about menacingly.