I have to say Impish’s lack of an appearance last Saturday caught me by surprise. Especially since we had found him hand him treated and retrieved him after a…’transportational mishap’ by late Friday afternoon. Here’s what happened.

Wednesday 2 Dec 2015 approximately 14:00 Hrs. @ DL/LL HQ. Dragon Mountain.

“Uhh… Hi Impish old buddy & pal [Lethal to Security & Veterinary- Impish confronting me Level 18 Section 5 near Corporate Vault]…uhh… haven’t seen you in a day or two. The flagon with the Dragon holds the brew that is true?“ (Retreating slightly & reaching for back of his coat)

“Why are you reaching behind your back?  Whatta ya have back there?  More turkey?  Stuffing?  Maybe some gravy your keeping from a dragon?”

Pulls out the Sonombulizer.  “Just this. Now it’s my turn to ask a question, why you running around with a dirty gravy ladle and a 1/2 eaten turkey leg crooning to them?”

“My precious?  THEY ARE MINE!!!!!”

“Ok! Ok ! I just asked. The flagon with the Dragon holds the brew that is true. Wadda ya say we go get some? My treat. Brown Gold even.”

“Oh hey Lethal.  What. Um. What’s up?

Why am I….? Why are we….? What’s going on?”

(Adjusts settings on Sonombulizer) “Why don’t you tell me ?  Starting with explaining what you’re carrying and have been for a few days.” Zzzzz! [Pot clangs several times as it falls and bounces on floor] “Sleep my gluttonous Golum and dream of pterodactyl sized turkeys.”

>>Wednesday 2 Dec 2015 approximately 16:00 Hrs. @ Veterinary Infirmary DL/LL HQ. Dragon Mountain.<<

(Beeping sounds in regular rhythm ) “Impish? We were having a conversation when you got this confused look and started to talk your gravy label like you were Golum. So I had to put you in nap mode.”

“Yeah. That was then. This is, oh look! powdered sugar covered Donuts!”

No! Those are the… ZZZIT!.. (sigh!)… or were the defibrillator paddles. 

Thump!

Sigh! (Muttering) “Dumb ass. Let him sleep it off doc, send the ladle to the kitchen and incinerate that turkey leg. I’ll call for the transport to the Hokey Pokey Clinic. Seems our boy needs some sort of a detoxification stay.”

>>Wednesday 2 Dec 2015 approximately 18:00 Hrs. @ DL/LL HQ. Dragon Mountain.<<

“Deck the halls with balls of red tape fa- la la-la la, la la-la la.GOOD AFTERNOON Mr Dragon! Welcome back to the Hokey Finokey Clinic. I hope your stay with us will be a productive one for you. We pride ourselves on help people turn themselves around as you know.

Now I see here you’re here for our detox program, a turkey overdose I believe & also to explore according to Dr. Quack the possibility of your attempted suicide when you came down from it.”

(Unintelligible mumbling) !!!????

“You going to deny you have 2nd degree electrical burns of the tongue & mouth from biting down on charged defibrillator paddles? Hardly seems like something anyone w/o a death wish would do now does it?

“Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!”

“You could easily given yourself drain bramage!”

“Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!

Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!

Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!

!!!!!!!”

“Really! Such rude language is entirely unnecessary sir! If you promise to behave, I’ll remove the muzzle.”

“Ggggggrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

Mmphh!  Mmmrrpph!!!”

“An allergy to duct tape adhesive you say? Alright I’ll make a note here on you chart and remove it,  but understand the repercussion will be…severe if you try anything or keep using that tone & potty mouth with me.

Hold still. THERE is that better?”

Impish nods sullenly.

“I’ll just go see where your liquid lunch has gotten too. I’m afraid your on a liquid diet until those wounds heal. Push the button when you feel like talking to me again.”

(Sometime later as Impish continues his sullen revenge plotting brooding)

“Sorry to disturb your brooding Mr Dragon but your attorney a Mr. Leprechaun left a message for you.”

“Hrumph!  What did the green one want from me now?”

“He said (quote) ‘Stop gold bricking get over T-Day being over accept your partial victory get your head on straight and get back to work!’

He reminds you you have an issue to do for Saturday & you have no sick days left.”

“Like I’m supposed to work in THIS place?  I don’t think so.”

‘He’s generously offered to make this your permanent office if you cannot (quote) ‘get your head of of your smells like the ghost of turkey past ass’.”

“I NEVER wanted to go through this again and yet here I am. And I’m expected to put out a humor issue?  This is my worst nightmare.”

“Oh and good news! Gunny Heartless is cutting his R &R short to return Friday when he heard you were back with us!

He’s eager to get started on your case.”

“Who wants to do what?”

“Well we did take a rather serious reality break after quite the turkey bender didn’t we? Then try to kill ourselves when confronted with reality? You really do need a cleanse and exercise is part of detoxification after all.”

“So I’ve been told. All I remember is sleeping it off.”

“Gunnery Sgt. Hartless he was your PT instructor? I’m not surprised you don’t remember. 400 watt seconds that close to you brain is sure to do some memory scrambling.”

“Yeah. The devil in my own personal hell.”

“Well if that’s the way you feel why not talk to Dr Phil? You do have we hours before Ginny Hartman arrives.  Maybe you can convince him Dr Quack was mistaken. Maybe in your groggy state you thought they were something else. Sugar cookies perhaps?”

“Yeah. That worked so well last time. He shows up I’ll probably eat him. So yeah, I might as well use this lap top and work on the issue b…”

“And while you’re at it how about telling us the way into DL HQ through that mine so we can stop Mr. Leprechaun from ever doing this to you again? Can you do that for Dr. Clinton- Mezvinsky?”

Coffee could literally be a lifesaver

CNN)Throughout the ages, coffee has been called a virtue and a vice for our health. The latest study comes down in favor of virtue: It says that drinking coffee, whether regular or decaf, could reduce the risk of death.

Researchers started with data from surveys of adults in the United States that asked how much coffee they consumed, as well as other foods and drinks, and then they looked at their rates of death and disease over the following two decades.

The study was large, including more than 200,000 women and 50,000 men.

At first, researchers did not see an obvious relationship between coffee consumption and death rates. Study participants who drank between less than a cup of coffee and three cups a day had 5% to 9% lower risk of dying than those who drank no coffee. Those who drank more than three cups a day did not see any benefit. The finding was murky, like previous studies, some of which suggested a benefit and some did not.

But when the researchers looked at coffee consumption only among people who said they never smoked, the relationship became clearer: Those who drank between less than a cup of coffee and three cups a day had 6% to 8% lower risk of dying than noncoffee drinkers. Those who drank three to five cups and more than five cups had 15% and 12% lower death rates.

“The lower risk of mortality is consistent with our hypothesis that coffee consumption could be good for you (because) we have published papers showing that coffee consumption is associated with lower risk of type 2 diabetes and (heart) disease,” said Ming Ding, a doctoral student in the Harvard School of Public Health department of nutrition. Ding is the lead author of the study, which was published on Monday in the journal Circulation.

Don’t invite the viper inside! Leave the Syrian refugees over there!

Google launches annual Santa Tracker site w/ updated Android app

Google knows all, including where Santa is. I’m not just talking about on Christmas Eve, but also what he’s doing while on vacation. If you want to join in on the tracking, check out the newly updated Santa Tracker website and Android app.

Both feature a countdown to Santa taking off on Christmas Eve, when people (mostly children) can track Santa’s whereabouts as he is delivering presents all over the world via Google Maps. Until then, the updated-daily site has fun activities and information on other holidays celebrated around the world.

The updated app includes several fun games where you can earn achievements and rank on leaderboards in Play Games. There are also various festive Android Wear watch faces featuring Santa and elves. For the first time, this year there’s also a Google Cardboard component and an Android TV app that allows you to track Santa’s journey when the countdown to Christmas Eve is finished.

To partake in the fun, head on over to the Santa Tracker website and download the app on Google Play.

Don’t laugh! It’s a vast improvement on how he previously handled the situation. He used to ask for wing sauce when handed one!

Here’s a fast & handy tip for picking ripe but not over avocados for the holiday

White Chocolate Cranberry Cookies

Total Time: 1 hr 50 min
Prep: 20 min
Inactive: 1 hr
Cook: 30 min
Yield: 2 dozen
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 large egg
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 cup dried cranberries, chopped
3/4 cup white chocolate chips
3/4 cup macadamia nuts, chopped

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheet with parchment paper.
With an electric mixer, cream the butter and both sugars together until smooth. Add the vanilla and egg, mixing well. Sift together the flour and baking soda. Spoon the flour mixture gradually into the creamed sugar mixture. Stir in the cranberries, white chocolate chips and macadamia nuts. Drop by heaping spoonfuls, about 2 tablespoons, onto the prepared baking sheets, 2 inches apart. Bake one sheet at a time until lightly golden on top and the edges are set, 12 to 15 minutes. Cool on the sheet about 5 minutes, and then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Store in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

Cinnamon-Roll Pie Crust

Kick your holiday pie up a notch

Ingredients

1 package pie crust
4 tablespoons butter, melted
½ cup brown sugar
2 teaspoons cinnamon
½ teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Directions

1. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the pie crust a few times to even it out to about ½-inch thickness.

2. In a small bowl, mix the butter with the sugar, cinnamon and vanilla extract to combine. Spoon the mixture into the center of the crust. Use a spatula to spread it evenly over the entire crust.

3. Starting with the side closest to you, roll the crust into a tight spiral. Cut the finished spiral into ½-inch-thick pieces.

4. On a lightly floured surface, use a rolling pin to roll each piece into a ¼-inch-thick round. Place the pieces in a pie plate, overlapping them slightly and pressing to seal. (If the pieces aren’t sticking together well, use a little water to help “glue” them.)

5. Continue placing rounds of dough in the pie plate until the entire plate is full; trim any excess hanging over the edge. Use the tines of a fork to press indentations all around the edge. Chill the crust well before filling and baking, and bake according to your preferred pie recipe.

Molly is so unabashed about being naughty!

An emotional Christmas ad shows why you mustn’t wait until it’s too late

I wouldn’t ever recommend doing what the grandfather character does in this emotional German advertisement, but it does make a good point about how important it is to be home with family for the holidays.

OH! Almost forgot! Got to tell you the rest of the Impish story!

When we left off Dr. Clinton- Mezvinsky had just casually asked Impish about the location of and how to access secret entrance via the mine in the  Campground…

“By the way, we can’t seem to get that vest off you. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with out it?  Why don’t you take it off for us? We like to study errr…CLEAN it for you.”

“No. The vest stays with me.”

“But it has…stains from your last…uh…meal all over it. Wouldn’t you like it back all nice and clean?”

“I. Said. No!”

“Now really Mr. Dragon how do you expect us to every let you out of here if you don’t cooperate with your liberal brain…uhh…recovery?”

”Just leave me alone to type.”

“Now how about at least telling us the secret ways in so we can report on your progress to Mr Leprechaun and surprise him to death.”

“How about you get the green one to come and visit me. Or let me talk to him on the phone?”

“Well we don’t wish to bother him now do we? After all he’s very busy replacing you.”

“Oh that bastard!!  Get him on the phone so I can tell him off. “ (Surreptitiously rubs earring.)

《…electronic fuzz & noise…Green to Blue…extraction in 10 mikes… more noise…ambulance hijacked…comms jambed…hang tough…signal fades》

“So do I get a phone or what?”

(He feels a restless stirring in his chest pouch)

“I’m sorry patients don’t get privileges for the first 72 hours and not after that if they refuse to cooperate. And frankly your attitude reeks of uncooperation.”

(Impish scratches his chest while tamping down on stirring). “Just stop! Ok. Then come back and see me in 72 hours. How do you want me to cooperate. I said I’d work on the issue.”

Chelsea switches tactics and attempts to exploit a perceived weakness, his stomach. “Do you wish something to eat? A turkey dinner with all the trimmings perhaps?”

“BURRRRRPPPPP!!!!!! No. I think I’m good. But thanks.”

( He hears faint but definate sounds of hubbub in the distance…)

“As you wish Mr. Dragon, as you wish. Mark my words however you cooperate or you’ll never leave here.”

(Talking louder). “Maybe a pizza?  You got pizza?” (Starting to sing loudly). “Oh Pizza, how I love pizza.”

“I can get you a Pizza, perhaps a Poppa’s Meat Lovers Favorite?”

“Just extra pepperoni  and extra sausage.” (singing again) “Oh how I love pizza!”

(Tapping at the door) “YO! Pizza Delivery!”

“Oh and there they are!” (Impish runs over and open the door. (Or tries to)

“What? How that even poss…” (door gets kicked in) “I SAID PIZZA TO THE RESCUE PIZZA DELIVERY!”  Mr. RED stands in door  (no pizza).

“Hi guy!  What took you so long?”

“Let’s go Blue- I’m double parked.”

“As you wish, Mr. Red. Hey!  Where’s the pizza?  I thought you were good with the details.”

“We’ll discuss that later. Let’s go or the pizza is going to be over cooked I was all out of subtlety when Green called for a delivery.” (Impish hears a familiar honk outside then a chain gun)

“Yeah. He has the worst timing.”

“Hear that? Her friends want to tow my ride. Get a jiggle on please. I ain’t hanging round deze  parts or asking nice a third time. Can you walk or this going to be a drag by tail extraction?”

Running (waddling) towards car sounds.  “I’m going. I’m going.”

“Guess that answers that. See ya mini Hillary, we’re out of here.” (Drops a belt after pulling a cable from it.)

C2B2 backs up to Blue hard enough to dump him unceremoniously in the back seat and making his chest pouch grumble. Red hits her rear bumper as she takes off and leaps over Blur into front seat as he yells “Shotgun!”

Opening up the chest pouch to let Brutus while out chuckling at Reds shotgun call Impish is somewhat dismayed, to now be sporting a salmon jerky scented hairball down the front of him.

“STOP LAUGHING! AUTO 10 GAUGE ON THE FLOOR BACK THERE! USE IT BEHIND US.”  (bullets go flying by)

Impish picks up the gun and starts shooting suppressively back at the liberals. “Where’s Hillary?!”

As he comes up with another drum shotgun  and spares a glance forward he sees an APC racing towards them.

“That was Chelsea back there. Dunno where the witch is currently. We managed to lose her and her broom on the way in.”

“Damn. Would’ve liked to have gotten a shot at her.”

Red looks back at Impish “That bird would mess you up way worse than a spoiled turkey dude.”

“Yeah. But just a shot. You know?”

Red grunts in agreement. “Sooner or later she’ll mess up. Then we’ll all get shots.” (Blue white flames hit APC from the side. Slow down a bit so I can grab Liz please Mz Bang.

“I can hardly wait.”

(Brief deceleration and suddenly Red’s lap is full of a barely decently clad in black leathers girl covered in blue fire.

“Whoa. That was cool.”

Red chuckles, “I’m an expert in picking up hot women fast.”

She swats playfully at Red then winks in Impish’s direction sassily replying “And the flames are real not like that Mockingjay poser.”

“So I see. Waaaayyyy cool. I’m pretty good with fire, too.”

“Mines hotter.”

“Agreed. Yeah wow!!!”

Liz turns to Red, “The little guys kinda cute. Can we keep him or is he Lethal’s pet?”

“Hey!  I’m nobody’s pet!!!  Wait!- You think I’m cute?”

“No not you! The cat hanging out of your chest like an Alien.”

A bedraggled Brutus grumps at this and cries “Mome Maow!”

“What? Brutus?  He ain’t no pet either. He’s… He’s my partner!  And my friend.”

Red chuckles “Yes Brutus that where we’re going.” Hands Impish a cigar. “Just chew if you light it Miss Bang here will likely dump you then you’ll need a recovery from your rescue.”

“Mmph!”  Brutus slams Impish with his head and glares expectantly. Impish pets his head. “Relax. We’ll be home soon.”

Liz (whose flames have gone out) makes kissy noises at Brutus and says “Come to me precious I’ll pet you and scratch you’re ears for you just like I used to.”

“Don’t do it Brutus. It’s a trap!”

Brutus dumps Impish like an ugly chick in a bar. He’s in Liz’s arm on his back wriggling and doing his best imitation of Frankie playing Mrs. Dragon for attention before Impish even knows it’s happened. 

“Wow. Some loyalty! Wow, seriously, I’ll remember this.”

Red chuckles at this saying ‘I hope not I got money riding sez you won’t. That cig……”

A sudden voice next to his head wakes a fitfully dozing Impish who promptly bangs his head on the underside of his desk.

“Good Morning Mr. Dragon-
Your mission choose to accept it or not is to get your ass out of the rack and make up for lost time on your issue. This message will not self destruct in 10 seconds.  However a squad of magical dancing shillelaghs will appear in 15 seconds to pummel anything in the room living and horizontal larger than a cat. GOOD LUCK Impish.”

Rolling more or less upright and holding a pounding head, Impish peers around. His office?

When…how did he get here? Last clear memory he has is of talking to Lethal in the Veterinary Infirmary. After that its a jumble of bad  B movie nightmare scenes. Was it all a dream? He’s confused thoughts are interrupted by the aforethreatened magical dancing shillelaghs arriving and circling about menacingly.