Dragon Laffs

My fellow campers,

I’m sorry to say that it will probably be several weeks before you start getting issues like you are used to, with lots of commentary from me.  I’m a lone government servant working by myself doing the job of three people.  As long as it ends up getting me the promotion … then it will all be worth it.  Well, at least right now it will be.  If it keeps up too much longer than who knows.

LOL!

Anyway, let’s laugh, shall we?

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that your are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” – William Gibson

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally, he said, “OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your husband.”

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, Bill, you can relax. There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”

DO YOU EVER LOOK AT ALL YOUR KIDS AND THINK…

THAT ONE will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
THAT ONE will be paying for it.
THAT ONE will visit me the most.
And THAT ONE?  He’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.

 

I want to be like a caterpillar.  Eat a lot.  Sleep for a while.  Wake up beautiful.

BRAINS ARE AWESOME!!!!
I wish everyone had one.

Some days I amaze myself.

Other days I look for my phone while holding it in my hand.

Ate a box of THIN MINTS, didn’t get thinner.

I don’t think they work.

A Police Officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten”.

I asked my grandpa, “After 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey.  What’s the secret?”

He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m too afraid to ask her.”

Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake…

I went to the Psychiatrist today.  She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160.  I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot!!

The Secret of Enjoying a Good Wine:

1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

2.  If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

If God Was a Woman

1. Sex would smell like chocolate.

2. Farts would smell like roses.

3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.

4. Babies would come from vending machines.

5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.

6. All women would have the same size breasts.

7. There would be no cellulite.

8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

9. Men would be born with an “OFF” switch.

10. There would be no “Hooters”.

11. A man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!

13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.

15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.

16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.

17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

That’s just wrong on so many levels.

 

 

Sadly, we must end today’s short issue with a life lesson and three examples of stupidity…

Cheers dear friends!

Impish Dragon

Yes, yes, yes, it’s been a bad week. 

But, I gotta say one thing.

Not no…Not hell no…but FUCK NO!!!

I think the clutch has gone out in my butt…

Because I can’t get my ass in gear!!

Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat and you are unaware of what year you’re in.  

If you answer the phone with “Hello!  You’re on the air!”, most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

My alone time is sometimes for your safety.

Coffee…the WD-40 of adulthood.

Lead me not into temptation…

Oh hell…. Just follow me, I know a shortcut.

Okay, so of these are pretty old, some of these are pretty bad, but some of them are funny.

Blonde MEN Jokes

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
—————————— ——
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
—————————— ——

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
—————————— ——

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine..”
——————————

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.” The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
—————————— ——

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
—————————— ——

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
—————————— ——

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
—————————— ——

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. “Here boy!” he replies.
—————————— ——

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blond replies. “It should be around your neck” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
—————————— ——

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

Mrs. Dragon agrees with this one…

90% of being married is just shouting “what?” from other rooms.

George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.” Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.” George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.   “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.   Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..”

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too…I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her…what does she look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”

That’s it for today my friends.

Be well, until next time.

Impish Dragon

Oh Lord Dear Campers, has my life been crazy busy.

My boss took a new job, which is a good thing because I want his job, except that I work for the US Government and not only does it take forever for a job to finally come up on usajobs.gov, but anything can happen.

But, I’ll keep you informed on that vein.

But, it means that my three man shop is now a two man shop and I’m doing my job, my boss’s job, and trying to teach the guy under me part of my job.  Well, the guy under me is a reservist, and I salute him for that, BUT he deployed Thursday so my three man shop is now a one man shop!

I really, really need to laugh.  Haven’t had a day off in three weeks and I’m at work while you’re reading this.  I SHOULD have tomorrow, Sunday, off, but we’ll see.

Alcoholics don’t run in my family…they stumble around breaking shit!

I told myself that I should stop DRINKING…but I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

No man has ever won a game of “notice anything different about me?”

Don’t worry about getting older.  You still get to do stupid things, only slower.

Why the Chinese Kick Our Asses In Mathematics!

STUDY THE FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY. THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE. IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTOGRAPHS.

Class Photo:     Shanghai  University

Class Photo:   University  of  Colorado

Going out on a limb here, but I’m gonna say that most of us would still rather go to the University of Colorado.

Exactly how long is a cotton picking minute?

Okay, so that one is pretty bad.  Repulsive, even.

I’ve dated women like that before.  Pretty sure I was married to one once, too.

That ain’t shit!  You should see the crap that goes on in my office on a normal week.

I’m wearing all black today to mourn the death of my motivation.

Cleaning with the kids home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the Whatever.

Oh Hell No!  My doctor just set up an appointment for me to have a stress test and I ain’t doin’ that!!!!!!

A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely ‘friendly’.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”

That’s it for today.

Have a great week.

I’m sorry guys.  Been very busy.  I didn’t even realize I had missed Saturday, not just the issue, but the whole day…until it was Sunday.

And now it’s Tuesday and I’m just now getting to the point to tell you all that I’m fine, nothing is wrong, just super busy. 

I’ll have an issue for you on Saturday….

I hope.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

 

 

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

I came, I saw, I … forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost n the way back, now I have no idea what’s going on or where I am.

Okay, is this getting to be a real thing?

I’m having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by…

Told someone to spell orange and she asked, “The fruit or the color?”

I know people like that.

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something because it’s stupid or dangerous?  Yeah, mine bets me five bucks I can’t!

 

The nurse came in and said, “Doc, there is a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible, what should I tell him?”

The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

That was bloody awful!

This one is especially for you, Lethal.

I don’t have bad handwriting, I have my own font.

I want my last words to be, “I left a million dollars under the…”

And it surprised absolutely no one!

I know some people like this.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

I want someone to look at me the way that I look at pizza.

The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.   I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.   I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 7 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seven people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs

and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.

“And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever”
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

 

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: oO.   Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison .”

A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Manitowish Waters, WI .

He says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, anti-Trump protester.”

The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

Should have used this one on Wednesday….

Dude, my phone rang during the funeral!!!!
So?
My ring t0ne is highway to hell!

And that does it for me for today.  May you have a wonderful weekend.

Impish