Well, it’s Saturday and I’m home from work. Yay! And I’m doing laundry. Boo! But, you gotta have clean clothes, right? So, while the first load is in the dryer and the second load is in the washer, I’ve caught up on the new emails and filed everything and here we go!

I may have figured out this color thing. Or trying to.

I got a package delivered today, but it was for a neighbor so I knocked on their door and their 12 year old boy answered with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, I asked “Is your father home? 

He looked me in the eye and said “what do you think ?”

When Frank’s father passed away, he wanted to give him the finest funeral possible. He walked into the funeral home and told the undertaker, “Money is no object. Dad worked hard his whole life, and I want him treated like royalty.”

The undertaker nodded solemnly. “We’ll make sure everything is first-class.”

And first-class it was.

There were huge flower arrangements, a gleaming mahogany casket, a beautiful service, soft organ music, and even a horse-drawn hearse. Friends and relatives kept telling Frank it was one of the most elegant funerals they’d ever attended.

A few days later, Frank received the bill: $16,085.

He gulped a little, but figured, “Well, Dad deserved it,” and mailed the check.

The next month, another bill arrived. This one was for $85.

Frank assumed it must’ve been some small extra charge he overlooked, so he paid it.

The following month, another $85 bill showed up.

Then another the month after that.

Finally, after six straight months of paying these mysterious $85 charges, Frank called the undertaker.

“Look,” he said, “I already paid over sixteen thousand dollars for my father’s funeral. Why do I keep getting billed 85 bucks every month?”

The undertaker replied, “Well, sir… you said you wanted the very best for your father.”

“Yes?”

“So I rented him a tux.”

Don’t you HATE that!!

There’s no workman, whatsoever he be, that may both work well and hastily. 

-Chaucer (c. 1343 – 1400)

Why do men pass gas more than women?
–Because women won’t shut up long enough  to build up pressure.

Yeah, mine too.

Concentrate your energies, your thoughts and your capital…. The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket. 

-Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary. 

Secretary: Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice. 

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we’ve got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th…they did what?????? How in the world did they do that? 

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We’ve got some pretty sick boys… I… I… didn’t even realize mice had balls… 

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well…what can we do? 

Secretary: I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm….Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!

Personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s,
slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just
Buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit
plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.


SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the
ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get
together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.


WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the
cob and caramel candy.


BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in
my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get
together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our
two heads together.


MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

And that’s it for this one my friends. Time to go take care of the second load of laundry. And start on the rest of the stuff I have to do today. But it was fun spending time with you today my dear friends.