Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s Friday morning for me, and we didn’t get the snow that they threatened us with, but the good news is that our weather service is batting a thousand for this winter.  LOL!  I love those guys.  They help us out a lot and bend over backwards to do whatever they can for us, but as far as snow predictions go… they’ve missed the mark every time this year.

Not that it’s easy around here.  We have this thing called the Peru Wedge.  It’s like there’s this big wedge in the atmosphere right over our heads and as weather moves from west to east as it gets to us it splits and half of it goes north and half of it goes south.  Not that we don’t get hit, but it’s like we don’t get hit hard. 

Oh well….

I’ve got an online appointment with my doctor this morning so I have to go get pretty.  Seems silly.  It’s been over a year and in order for them to keep refilling my prescriptions, the doctor has to see me.  I swear it hasn’t been that long, but maybe it has.  Maybe I have seen her, but for Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon.  Anyway, so I called the office the other day when the pharmacy said that they couldn’t refill one of my scripts and they said I needed to make an appointment and they said we could do it over the phone.  Having just done it the week or so before with Izzy I thought, okay.  So, I need to go shave, put on a nice shirt, make sure my boxer shorts can’t be seen… you know, the usual stuff for a doctor’s appointment.

Now you guys go on.  Find something else to laugh at while I get ready.

Quarantine has turned us all into dogs.  We roam the house all day looking for food.  We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers.  And we get really excited about car rides.

It’s SUPPOSED to be Spring!!!

If we are going to let a bat shit crazy drunkard who’s always saying random things be Speaker of the House, can we at least give the job to Ron White?

Okay, that was too easy.

Commercials in 2030 will be like: Were you or someone you know exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol, or bleach during the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic?  If so, you may be eligible for compensation.

I’m done with homeschooling.  We are switching to trade schooling.  Both of mine are going to be bartenders.

I have questions…

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with society…No one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.

Why wasn’t this world wide news…

I got this really cool picture and email from Tom J.

Our family published a Family Cook Book in the late 1970’s and one of my great aunts found this menu from the Palace Cafe and put it in the center of the book. I don’t know the year but it was WAY back when. The cafe had to be somewhere in North Dakota. Imagine, grilled salmon steak with lemon butter complete with potato, salad, vegetable, and pie or ice cream with a beverage and all for .45 cents! I want to go there but I guess it’s probably closed.

Tom

What an amazing piece of history, Tom!  And very well preserved.  And doing a Google search shows about a gazillion Palace Cafes!  One in Indiana dates back to 1852!  So, good luck ever trying to figure out where it came from.  But, wow!  What a piece of history.  Thank you so very much for sharing it with us. 

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall.  His statue in London is 15 feet tall.  That’s Horatio of 3:1.

If a red head works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

How do you tell the sex of an Ant?
Drop it in water…
If it sinks: Girl Ant.
If it floats…

Just for fun, after 30 days, everybody post a pic of your moustache.

Get your husband to join in, too.

And the younger crowd out there is going, “I don’t get it.” But you got the one with the missing soda, didn’t you!!!!

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!!

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a Pub crawl

CORONA VIRUS

1. 6 Feet Distance
2. No Hugging
3. No Kissing
4. No Social Interaction

*Like being married … but with a cough!

That’s sad and wrong and the same time…

Mexico is now asking Trump to hurry up with the wall.

Biblical Irony: Passover Seder my be delayed by a plague.

A possible explanation as to why the vaccine has taken so long?*

*And before I start getting e-mails telling me, I KNOW it takes years to properly develop a vaccine.  It was a joke, people.

Due to my isolation I finished 3 books yesterday.  And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

If you thought toilet paper was crazy…just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.

That’s funny, we just got a message down the other day saying the Air Force was relaxing it’s hair cut standards for now, until the crisis was over.  Can you imagine the lines at the barber … at least on active duty bases … when this thing is over? 

I need to make up one of these signs….except some of this stuff would be allowed at Dragon Laffs.  Not the rape or kidnapping … but then again … kidnapping of who?  There are some political leaders around the world who … never mind.  I should watch what I say in public, then that whole “premeditated” word gets thrown around.  But rollerblading? Driving a double decker bus?  Sure!  Bring it on through!  We’ll make room!  Fox hunting?  We’re always on the hunt for foxes around here! (Notice the double entendre I used there?)  And smoking?  I’m always up for a good cigar!  Yeah, gotta make me a sign…

Okay, this next one is WAY COOL!!!!!!!!!!!  Thanks to John S. for sending it in!

Artist Phil Shaw tells ‘the story so far’ in an ongoing series he calls ‘Shelf Isolation‘. 

For those that might have difficulty reading the book titles in the image I have transcribed it below:

The English patient had caught it on the beach. I should have stayed at home she said. Now she was in quarantine in the dark house of splendid isolation.
Still, hope springs eternal. With a little bit of luck, common sense, and personal hygiene, the Corona book of horror stories must end soon. Always remember clean hands save lives, and when in doubt, don’t go out!

Is that not awesome!!!!  Thanks John and thanks to Phil Shaw!

What a great come back!

The drop in gas prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.

I always had that problem as a kid

In 20 years Walmart employees gonna be like, “I fought for this country.”

Everybody’s gotta make accommodations.

I asked God, “Why are you taking me through troubled water?”
He replied, “Because your enemies can’t swim.”

Any of you who have ever taken a sleep study, and I’ve had quite a few, know that’s exactly what it’s like!!!!

Let’s do some of these…

Stephanie C

We do have so much to be thankful for. Many, many times God warned us that He will punish us if we don’t straighten up. I’m thankful that He used another plague instead of allowing us to get to atomic was a few decades back.

We did get close to that mushroom cloud a few decades ago … and truth be told, we’re never that far from it now … so many things to worry about.  It’s job security for me, I suppose, but don’t let it keep you up at night, remember, your teenagers are probably out smoking pot and having sex…now there’s something to keep you up at night.

Leah D.

Coffee and Dragon Laffs, makes it worth getting up in the morning!
We have had over 1,000 aftershocks since our March 18, 5.7 earthquake.
We now have a crack in the cement floor of our storage room, and it keeps widening and growing longer
Much like the reality gap between virus testing and when we can safely stop hibernating.

Oh dear…more things to worry about, you people aren’t helping at all today!  Glad you are enjoying your daily dose of Dragon Laffs, but I wish your ground would stop shaking out there in Utah!  Our numbers here in Indiana didn’t drop again today.  Still climbing and still not leveling out.  And now the president and all the Governors are talking about ways of opening the country back up again…I’m thinking it’s too soon.

Cynical John

Just remember, the weather’s being run by the National Weather Service, a federal agency, and like just about any other agency of the damyankeefedralgummint, they screw it up. Being a true southerner, there’s no ill that I cannot lay at the feet of the damyankeefedralgummint. Stay safe and warm up there in the snow.

Thanks Cynical John … you just pretty much proved my point…and added more fuel to the fire…lol!  Although I work for a branch of the damyankeefedralgummint, there is some truth to what you are sayin’.  I still say the best way to solve most of the damn problems is to not allow those in congress and senate to stay there forever.  Term limits.

Now THERE’S a lovely conundrum!

He’s on his back porch…

Three weeks of homeschooling my 7, 9, and 12 year olds went surprisingly well!  They have all graduated High School and are now ready to move out and get jobs as soon as the quarantine is over!

Isn’t that the way it always works?

I didn’t even know Grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house!

Well, hell…guess I’m guilty, too!!

Thank God my wife has multiple personalities, I’m quarantined with someone different every day.

I know, right!

Returned from the grocery store with hubby.  Took masks off.  It turned out it was the wrong hubby!  Be attentive!

The youngsters and even some of the older ones won’t get this one.

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul.  Even if it’s cold…over ice … With a celery stalk … And Vodka…

Some doctors already have practice.

I think my dogs are almost to this point…

And I think with that image, we’ll call it a day.  I hope I was able to give you guys a couple of chuckles for today.  Stay inside, stay safe, stay healthy. 

Until tomorrow. 

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Let’s talk a little bit about being safe.  The weekend is coming.  I know you guys want to go out and have fun, but now is not the time to give up.  Now is not the time to leave your house.  Most states are still on the rise.  I know, here in Indiana things are still not flattening out.  I had hoped by now we would have reached a peak, but we haven’t.  I suspect we still have another two weeks of climbing to do before we peak and that scares the hell out of me…and it ought to scare the hell out of you, too.

I do this for a living folks, so when I tell you to stay in the house and stay safe, I mean it.  Stay in the house, stay safe, only go out when you absolutely have to.  Wear a mask, wash your hands, wear gloves if you can, take as many precautions as you can.  Especially if you are in the danger zone.  If you are over 60, have any kind of preexisting condition like diabetes, heart condition, asthma, COPD, high blood pressure, anything at all.  This bastard virus is a killer!  It doesn’t give a damn how good a person you are, who you are, it only needs one excuse to get in and get you.  So, don’t give it that excuse.

STAY HOME and STAY SAFE!

When you’re tempted to go out, remember this face.

This image represents thousands of us in the NHS and Social Care sector so please don’t ignore us!

This is the face of an ICU nurse.

This is the face of working 65 hours over the last 6 days.

This is the face of reality.

This is the face going through hell.

This is the face full of pressure damage from wearing PPE for almost 13 hours a day.

This is the face of someone who fears for her own health and all her colleagues, past and present.

This is the face of someone putting their life on the line for your families.

This is the face of someone who hasn’t seen their own family for nearly a month.

This is the face of someone who holds your dying family members hand, so they’re never alone.

This is the face of someone who is exhausted, but will continue to fight Covid-19.

This is the face of someone who will carry on, no matter what.

This is the face of someone who is proud to stand on the frontline with all key workers.

This is the face of someone who wants lock down to end.

This is the face that is begging you, to NOT go out this weekend.

Protect us as a society, protect the NHS, Social Care and all Key Workers and help us save lives

or if you prefer the original Latin

Be proud to be exiled.  Be one of the ones who are still standing when this is all over.  I want every single Dragon Laffs Reader to be a survivor!  That is my fervent prayer!

Now, let’s find something to laugh about…

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed.  I guess my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

“My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.  But, look at me now, I’m saving the world!”

I heard that California issued a “Stay at home” order ….Idaho has been suggesting this for years…

The buttons on my jeans have started social distancing from each other.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got started early this morning and got an early morning comment from Brenda C. in Ohio

boopluver

Another great one..sorry about mother nature…you know it is not nice to fool mother nature..here in Ohio we have been having back to back freeze warnings…I just cannot figure out instead of saying freeze warning tonight just say freeze warning Monday, Tuesday,& Wednesday, but on Thursday it will be frost warning..just keep the snow I will take the cold with no snow.. Well keep up the laughs…it keeps me from going insane….and I do not break out singing they’re coming to take me away…greetings from Riley and I

Thanks Brenda.  Yeah, you can’t fool Mother Nature, but she’s a little stricter on me than she probably is on others, see, she’s my God Mother.  Her and my mom went to school together and … well … you know how it is.  Anyway, she keeps an eye on me.  She has lots of friends, one of which is Mrs. Claus (who’s a bit of a grouch and won’t let Santa get away with anything) and one thing led to another and … well … snow in April.

Anyway, I’m glad you like the fun, I think I’m gonna be sad when things go back to normal and I won’t have the time to spend on this like I do now.

Okay, I just got a warning from the National Weather Service, while you are reading this I could be getting 3 to 4 inches of snow!!!!!!  What the ever-lovin’ Hell!!!  Okay, I’m ready for this whole Global Warming bullshit to kick in!

Day 20 of isolation and it’s like damn Vegas in my house.  We’re losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!

Toilet Paper Hoarding Explained:

Some people will be eating their own cooking for the first time in years.

(Gasp!)

Ladies, time to start dating us older dudes, we can get you in the grocery store early!

(SCREAM!)

Y’all are about to find out why your Great Grandmother washed her aluminum foil and saved her bacon grease.

Another comment has come in…

A. Sasquatch

Sorry about the snow. I blame it on Governor Whitmer. She shut down all of the garden centers in Michigan so we couldn’t plant Easter flowers for Mother Nature and she got a bit miffed. There was quite a dust up about it in Lansing yesterday. I forget, is this one that we are supposed to sacrifice virgins for? Maybe that’s why you got the new volcano.

Hey Yeti, how are you?  Long time, brother.  So, Governor Whitmer’s fault.  I can get behind that.  So, she wouldn’t let you guys plant Easter flowers and that may very well have pissed off Mother Nature, she does indeed love her flowers.  And as to sacrificing virgins…I might have a problem finding any of them around here….but it might very well help.  Any volunteers out there willing to help out?

Let’s do some of these next…

Okay, it wouldn’t be a day without a message from Leah…

Leah D

A little background…I get messages from across the country on things that interest Emergency Managers and I got one that said there was a 4.2 quake at Magna, Utah and I wrote to Leah and asked if it was near her and she said yes, they were getting shocks and after shocks all the time.  I’m not sure if I’d rather worry about tornadoes that you can see coming or earthquakes that come out of nowhere…anyway, this is a follow up to that previous conversation.

This morning, my daughter was at Smiths when they opened because she found out when food gets delivered to them. She took my over the phone order for items I have been unable to find online.
She didn’t feel the 4 point something or other, quake we had, she was driving. We have been under siege of construction for so long, a bumpy ride is normal, easy to disguise an earthquake.
She sent me a text message that my groceries were on the doorstep. and, she says, “I found two bottles of alcohol, and put them in the sack.”
I thought that was strange, since I have plenty of rubbing alcohol, been passing it out to family. Then I find 2 BOTTLES OF BAILEYS IRISH CREME! Quake? We had a quake?

Okay, a 4.2 might be a “minor” earthquake to some, but to not even notice?  Wow!  But, a nice surprise to find some Bailey’s instead of rubbing alcohol!  You’ve got a sweet daughter, there Leah!

Man, must be pretty bad if you only lasted until day 4!

I feel like I should put that up on my header somewhere!  Just sayin’!

I’m sorry…maybe I’m really bad…but I laughed for a good three minutes…till tears rolled down my cheeks … when I saw this one.  Mrs. Dragon thought I was going crazy.

I must be bad.

But of course…. and don’t forget… you were barefoot and it was friggin’ snowing!!!

In the Middle Ages orgies were celebrated when the plague was defeated.  Does anyone know if something is already planned?

No friggin’ way!

That is hilarious.

And that’s it for today.  It was a long day that started way too early.  Wish this one could’ve been a bit longer.  But, there’s always tomorrow.

Love you guys.

Stay home and stay safe.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…a beautiful day in the … like hell!  It’s the middle of April and it’s 28 friggin’ degrees outside!  What the hell happened to Spring!  Global Warming my big blue ASS!!!  It’s supposed to be warming up out there! 

It’s a damn conspiracy!  I have to bundle up in a coat and hat and gloves and scarf and … do you know how friggin’ silly a dragon looks in a hat and scarf? … just to pop out back and enjoy an early evening cigar and Jameson!  IT’S NOT RIGHT I TELL YOU!!!!

MOTHER NATURE!  YOU AND I NEED TO HAVE WORDS!

Yes, dear, you wanted to talk?

(Oh Shit!) Um… nothing, Ma’am.  Never…never mind…

Let’s laugh!  Quick!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

 

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

 

The voice replied, “No, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”

Home invasions should probably decline.  Everyone is home with guns and enough bleach and paper towels to clean up the scene.

Anyone else planning on telling their child that the Elf on the Shelf didn’t survive the Coronavirus?  Just me?  Ok.

Home Schooling Day 12

We’re all gonna be so bored by the end of this that we’ll all know how to fold a fitted sheet.

FACT: In 4 weeks 88% of blondes will disappear from the face of the earth.

We thought we’d have flying cars by 2020, but no!

We’re teaching people how to wash their hands.

I apologize for these puns, but you can blame them on Brenda…

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Okay, so some of them weren’t bad Brenda…but some of them…. oh dear!  LOL! In all honesty, thank you so much for your contribution and thank you all for all of your contributions, I wish it were possible to thank each and everyone of you individually, but the way that I save posts and pictures for use, it’s just not possible, but when I can, I will.  But, know, that I KNOW who you are and that all of you are deeply appreciated and loved for taking the time and making the effort to be a part of the team.

Umm… pass, thanks!

I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know!

And I thought the damn Testicle Festival was bad!

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Two of my friends have never met each other.  Before they spoke, I told both of them that the other is a bit deaf.  They shouted at each other for a few minutes before they realized that I’m a bit of a jerk.

Amen, brother!

You only need two tools in life … WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40…if it moves and it shouldn’t use the duct tape.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Some people are like slinkies…not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Oh damn!  I must’ve really pissed her off this morning…crap!  I might need to go into hiding.  Okay, okay.  I’ve got my emergency bugout bag packed.  The gear is ready to go, I’ve got the emergency cave in a non-disclosed location…I can go back down and check on Peter in … oh best not to mention the location although Santa can’t be involved this time…why am I panicking, you ask?!?!

Because it’s bloody well snowing outside!  And it’s the middle of APRIL!  I must’ve really pissed off the old battle axe mother nature!

Impish, dear?

Yes, ma…ma’am?

Impish, dear, did I hear you say something about going down to see Peter in Australia again? 

(Oh shit, the snow has gotten harder and the wind has picked up)  I was just considering it …. um …. ma’am… um … Mother … um … Nature…. M’Lady.

Now, Impish dear, you know how that annoyed Mrs. Claus the other day when you and the boys went down there and you know what good friends her and I are…

(Holy crap!  I’ve never seen a volcano spring out of nowhere in my backyard before!)

Now, don’t you think it would be better if you just stayed right WHERE YOU ARE LIKE A GOOD LITTLE DRAGON!

(eek!) Yyyeeesss ma ma ma ma’am!

Good, now go on back to what you were doing, enjoy the snow, and I’ll make you some oatmeal raisin cookies.  I know those are your favorites.

(Thud!)

…
…
…

Is she gone?

…
…
…

You guys go back to the laughs…I need to go bury a volcano before it erupts.

Dear Gawd, why would you wear something like that?

So, I was going to tell you guys about the trip down to see Peter in Deception Bay, but I guess Santa got in trouble with Mrs. Claus for going down there, who knew he had so many girl friends down there!  But, now I guess there’s a gag order on the whole trip.  I suppose Peter can tell you about it, but I can’t so….

Just saw the neighbor getting his snow blower out of the garage…

Nope, I’m not gonna

Here’s some mail from Leah

Leah D.

I actually like this ‘order and wait’ grocery shopping. Then thought of items I should have ordered. This morning I found I can keep adding to my order up to the night before I pick it up on Tuesday, April 21.
Wish I could correct my husbands To Do list as easily.

So, around 9 pm last night, we had a 4.2 hit us. Seems it is an aftershock, not of the 5.7 that hit us, but of a “mini” quake we had a few days ago. That makes me nervous when the aftershocks are bigger than the original “mini quake” located by Saltair, on the edge of the Great Salt Lake.
It’s good to have a bigger worry than the virus.

Okay, so many things are wrong with this message, Leah.  First, your poor husband.  Give the poor guy a break.  It’s bad enough you have a Honey Do list for him, but to want it computerized so you can continually update it on the fly is just too much.  Write it out on a piece of paper so he can lose it like an other self respecting husband.

Secondly, being happy for an earthquake so you can forget about the virus…dear, we need to get you a break.  I’d send Santa round yours for a little pick me up, he is a ladies man, don’t you know, but he’s in a bit of dutch with his old lady at the moment and I just now got the snow to stop flying, so … I’m thinking … I’ve got an in with the tooth fairy.  He owes me a favor.  Now, he’s not as much “fun” as Santa, but if you put a couple of shots into him (he’s a Jameson’s guy, too) you’ll be surprised.

This one comes to us from John S.

A message of hope for these strange times.

1. There are no bombs raining on our heads.

2. I am not a prisoner held in solitary confinement, as millions are.

3. I am not a refugee trying to escape with my life.

4. I am not standing in line waiting to fill a pot of water.

5. I have access to fresh food and I’m not starving.

6. I have hot running water.

7. My country has not been ruined by years of war.

8. I can reach my friends by phone and check in on them.

9. My friends and family check in on me because they care about me.

10. Any whiplash I feel about this strange turn of events is itself a sign of privilege.

11. More than half of the world would gladly trade their everyday problems for the modest inconveniences I am experiencing.

12. I may have anxious dreams but I’m dreaming them on a proper bed and I’m not sleeping on the sidewalk.

13. By staying at home, I’m helping the planet rest.

14. As long as I have my mind I can create, imagine, dream and not be lonely.

15. This global crisis connects me to people around the world and reminds me of our common humanity. This is a good thing.

16. When something tragic happens to another country next time, I will respond to it with humility and recognition.

17. I will fight for positive changes and economically just policies in my own country.

18. I am surrounded by books.

19. I am surrounded by love.

20. The trees have already begun to bloom.

It is indeed worth sitting and thinking on…I am especially grateful for #18.

I don’t blame you, I would’ve had to have gotten up and changed the channel, too.

 

And thus ends another day for me.  I have my to do list cut out for me.  Placate Mother Nature, get ahold of The Tooth Fairy for Leah, and a bunch of other stuff.

You guys stay well, stay safe, stay home until we meet again.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It is hump day!  Half way through the week!  It’s almost the weekend!  It’s … okay, so I’m reaching here!  Work with me a little bit! 

I have to go out to the base this morning for a super secret message!  I know, there’s some of you out there who think the FEMA Death Camps are coming and it’s Martial Law!  Yeah, whatever!  I’m taking Izzy with me, to get her out of the house.  She’ll have to wait in the car for the 20 minutes it will take me to run in and read the message, but then we are going to go to the grocery and pick up a few things.  Or, actually, we’ll probably do that first and get the message last.

Before we get started today, I’d like to read you part of a message that our Vice Wing Commander sent out recently ….just some bits and pieces of it.  Most of it won’t apply so I’m going to take snippets out of it.

With most states being under strict social distancing guidelines and our economy dealing with the loss of business it is important for us to pause and appreciate what we do have.

We need to find the best approach to live under the pressures w are all under.

I wanted to take a moment to address fear.  What we are going through is hard.

If you think about it, until recently, more time was spent with work family then with your own.  That has changed.

Many are trying to manage kids’ schooling, telework, dealing with technology challenges, or may have even endured the loss of a job.

Everyone is stressed.  You may have been the recipient of someone “snapping” at you or maybe you “snapped” at a loved one or coworker.

Don’t take it personal.  Now is the time to have grace, apologize and encourage one another.  A time to give people a little bit of latitude.

Because all of our lives have drastically changed, think about what kids, friends or loved ones will say  years from now.

Will your children remember the e-learning class that just didn’t work out?

No, they will remember the time spent with one another.

The memories you make by going for walks, playing games, and those activities that kept you busy during this troubling time.

Focus on your family and friends.  Connect!

Check on those you care about or have concerns for.  It is so important to connect with one another right now.

Don’t focus on the negative.  We are strong!

Stay strong even when it seems like everything is falling apart around you, it is one step at a time.

I want to leave you with one word – hope.

Never give up, don’t lose the faith, and have hope.

I look forward to seeing you all again very soon.  What a joyful time that will be!

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

And each and everyone of you can take that message  into your own lives, I think and find a little something to take from it.  Now, let’s find something to laugh about shall we?

Now them there’s some masks, Granny!

Posted on Facebook, this is far too true to be funny:  “Essential Workers” sounds so lame…So, from this day forward, we shall be known as the “Suicide Squad”

Sweetheart, that is just SO wrong!

Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of spring.

Father Time was driving and refused to stop and ask for directions!

I never thought I’d be saying this, but I think that cup size is a little too big for what you are trying to cover.

I saw two men arguing in a store and the one called the other an “ass wipe”

300 shoppers came out of nowhere!  Choose your words wisely!

Um…. no

Gas is almost under $1, restaurants are all drive-in style, and everyone has shaggy hair.  Welcome to the 1970s!

He looks like some sort of strange superhero, panty-faced man!

He just looks horrified!

And she just looks terribly wrong!

I sent my son next door with luggage, they called and asked why, I said, Foreign Exchange Student.  #homeschool Level Pro.

Did you know there isn’t a single person alive today who is married?

How messed up is it that Cinco de Mayo finally falls on Taco Tuesday and will get messed up by a virus with the same name as a Mexican beer?

If a dentist makes money off people with bad teeth, why would I buy toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

Let’s go check the mail box, shall we?

Leah D

Thank you for my favorite entertainment, morning coffee with the latest Dragon Laffs!
I think my new form of entertainment is going to be placing bets with my husband, on which of the grocery items I will order today, will be missing from our order when we pick the order up.
Then we will move on to a challenge . . . what can you cook with what you got?
I’m sure I’ll win that one because I have been practicing for years with the ‘what can you cook with what you can afford?’

Yup, played that last one a lot when I was a young airman in the Air Force.  Look in the cabinet and decide … what can you make with pasta tonight that you didn’t make with pasta in the last couple of days. 
Hotdogs were always a favorite.  Hamburger meat was a splurge  and if we REALLY wanted to go all out, we’d have cube steak, but only if we could get it on sale at the Commissary.  Usually when it only had like a day or so left before it expired.

Ah… the good old days

Stephanie C

For some reason I am again allowed to respond to you (now dragon baby, keep it clean).
Yes! Happy feet.
Love you muchly.

Aww, now what fun is keeping it clean!

This one comes from buddy waymore…

The Bozo Criminal for today is not a criminal in the strictest sense, but he did violate the law. From Tampa, Florida comes Bozo McCormick Jones who wanted to make sure his brother could find his house when he came to visit last Saturday. The Bozo decided to put something out front to make his house immediately identifiable. His brilliant idea–put a fake bomb on the mailbox! Looked pretty good, too, orange tubes, flashing lights, a buzzer and the words “Acme TNT” on the side. Looked so real, the neighbors called the cops who notified the bomb squad. Before the Bozo knew what was going on, he was arrested for planting a hoax bomb device, which is a felony.

Can we all say it together…

Nope, I’m tired of pointing it out.

A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow!  In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by.  What can I get you?”
”Pop,” goes the weasel.

Oh HELL no!

And yet, again… one more reference the kidlets won’t get.

Sorry, short issue today folks, spent too much time out on the base.  Hopefully it will be better tomorrow.

Be well, take care.  Stay home, stay safe.  Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

The start to another week,  It’s Monday for me, although you guys are getting this on Tuesday, I hope everyone had a great weekend.  We are having weather today…the wind is blowing like crazy out there.  We are expected to get gusts up to 50 mph.  The last time this happened the neighbor’s roof ended up in my back yard.  I hope something similar doesn’t end up happening again.  I’m not sure I can take it again.  By the way, 50 mph is above the level of an F0 tornado (40-72 mph)…so, we’re having fun here! 

And just as I typed that last bit, I got an email on the military side from northern Indiana weather saying that we are expecting high winds today and we are under a high wind warning for wind gusts in excess of 50 mph.  There those guys are, trying to protect us.  I’ll get those kinds of emails, with maps, and stuff that I can print out and post all day long.  They really go out of there way to try and protect us.  I’ve been up to their offices.  They do a really good job.

So with that out of the way, I think it’s time to start a little laughter around here….what do you guys think?  Guys?
Guys?
Wow, everyone must still be asleep.  Okay, I’m gonna go get another cup of Coffee and start the movie and you can all catch up.

Boy, at that the truth!

Just tried making hand sanitizer, but it came out as Jello Shots

That’s awfully cute!

Dear Casinos, it’s no fun losing money, is it??

This is what I’ve been using…it’s working so far.

So the cop pulled me over today
Sir I can smell alcohol on your breath.
Me: that’s because you’re not respecting social distancing

2020 is a unique Leap Year.  It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

With so many sporting events being canceled, they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship.

It’s on Paperview.

So, the highest wind gust I’ve seen so far this morning is 35 mph.  Now, mind you the warning is supposed to go on till about 8 pm tonight, so there’s still like 11 hours left to go.  But, it’s pretty nasty out there.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

What a let down!!!

It was just too perfect not to include after the last one.

The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick when ever I move yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.

And here’s a fast message from Mom:

Diaman M

Dear son, Day 20…am I in heaven or what?? 20 days of laughs!! Fells like heaven & EVERYONE IS LAUGHING. Love you so much. Mom

Aww, thanks Mom.  Love you right back!

Especially now, when they’re out there wondering where the hell you are…now they are coming to look for you.  Now, when you’re laying in bed at night … think about that!  Those nocturnal little beasts, staring in your windows… Oh hell!  Now, I’ve given myself nightmares!

Rule #1 for video conference call – Always check your background.
Rule #2 – see rule #1!

Boy, that was a depressing bunch of motivational posters…but then again, we are in the D’s…

Quarantine Day 21: Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.  It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Grocery Store Bagger: “Would you like your milk in a bag?”

Me: “No thanks, I’d rather you leave it in the carton.”

A COUPLE OF IMPRESSIVE LIBRARIES

HERE ARE TWO IMPRESSIVE LIBRARIES  ……..

.

LIBRARY NUMBER ONE …..

LIBRARY NUMBER TWO…..

And actually, library number two holds more books and is the way I prefer my library.  NOT counting what I have on my Amazon library, which they keep track of, on my digital library on my laptop I have over 15,000 books most of which are in multiple formats.  I just checked, there are 85,000 files which includes the books, covers, metadata, folders for the authors, etc and it takes up about 33 gigs of space on my laptop, which means it would all easily fit on a decent thumb drive.  I know there are a bunch of purists out there who think that they have to have a real book in their hands or it’s not the same thing, but with as much as I read, I would go broke, quick.  An no, I have not read all the books, but if someone is looking for a book, there’s a good chance I have it and can email it to them.

Is Coronavirus supposed to burn when you pee?  Asking for a friend.

I’m reading a horror story in braille… something bad is going to happen … I can feel it.

More mail…

Larry S.

You mentioned the base commander and his wife wearing face masks. As of one day this past week, wearing a mask is MANDATORY while visiting the WPAFB Commissary. Thought that you might like to know. Keep up the good work!

Thanks Larry.  Yup, Wright Pat is a bit busier than we are.  Thanks for the nice words.

They changed the report here in Indiana from 10 am to noon and here it is about 1130 and I find myself waiting anxiously for today’s numbers.  Will today be the day that we begin to see a down-turn or will it be another huge surge upward?

And that does it for me…. my afternoon got busy …. oh!  The numbers look… promising.  They didn’t go up as much as I feared and they didn’t go down as much as I hoped.  So, we’ll see tomorrow, I guess.

Love to you all.  Take care, be well, stay home, stay safe.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon