Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, I got a chance to get some of this issue done on Tuesday and some of it done on Wednesday so this is going out to you on Thursday, so it’s going to be a Wednesday/Thursday issue.  Not as good as I had wanted and not as bad as I had feared.  But, it ended up being a bit longer issue than normal, so in the end…I hope it’s a wash for you guys.  I was trying to finish up an issue on Tuesday so you guys had something for Wednesday, but ended up with technical issues and had to have my internet provider overnight me a modem because mine bit the dust.  I guess, in the scheme of things it couldn’t have happened at a more opportune time since it worked out on the two days that I was working on base, but man oh man were Mrs. Dragon and Izzy pissed off. 

They still had TV and they still had data service on their phones, but no Wi-Fi for almost two whole days!  Well, intermittent Wi-Fi.  It would come on for 30 minutes and then die for an hour or so.  The guy on the phone and I troubleshot the problem for an hour or so and we both decided the modem had to go.  It was a couple of years old and since I worked for the government (okay, so I played it up a teeny bit more than was accurate) and I was teleworking currently, he would overnight the modem at no cost to me.  He was actually as nerdy as I was and we got along really well on the phone.  Anyway, long story short, Wednesday afternoon I was back up and running and all is right with the world…well, as of Wednesday evening, anyway.

So, wadda say we get to the stuff that you want to see and I’ll throw some stuff in here now and then…

Why does Waldo always appear in stripes?

Because he does not want to be spotted.

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

At the lingerie store… Customer: Are these panties satin?   Salesperson: No, they’re brand new!

Alexander Graham Bell’s invention of the first telephone was completely useless!

… Until he invented the second one!

A Roman walks into a bar, holds two fingers up and says, “5 beers, please.”

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Look!  More science humor!!!

Kitchen Sex – Because it’s probably my only chance to ever get laid on an island.

I’ll never forget the look on the cashiers face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain’t urgent.  You can come on foot.

Someone’s Therapist knows about you.

Some days I amaze myself.

Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.

This next one is from Lynn and it’s going to bring some of us back…it’s g0ing to bring some of us Way back, and some of us aren’t going to know what the hell we’re talking about.

Lost Words From Our Childhood

 

Mergatroyd!     Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd!

 

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy;     and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?”  He had never heard of the word jalopy!  She knew she was old … But not that old.

 

Well, I hope you are   Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

 

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:     Don’t touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.

 

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie .  We’d put on our best bib and tucker,  to   straighten up and fly right.

 

Heavens to Betsy!     Gee whillikers!         Jumping Jehoshaphat!       Holy Moley!

 

We were in like Flynn and  living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.   Not for all the tea in China!

 

Back in the olden days, life used to be       swell,       but when’s the last time anything was swell?   Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

 

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

 

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,  “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” Or,  “This is a fine kettle of fish!”      We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

 

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind.  We blink, and they’re gone.  Where have all those great phrases gone?

 

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey!  It’s your nickel.     Don’t forget to pull the chain.  Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!   Going like sixty.           I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

 

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than  Carter has liver pills.   This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter’s Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

 

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth… 

See ya later, alligator!     Okidoki.

 

You’ll notice they left out       “Monkey Business”!!!

 

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50’S … NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN .. WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:  LIVING IN THE PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE TIMES, CREATED FOR US BY THE “GREATEST GENERATION!”

 

Lynn adds at the end…

Carbon paper reminded me of my early work days – 6 copies of a letter required.  5 sheets of carbon paper but check for mistakes – you had to pick them up before taking out of the typewriter because you had to go through each sheet, erase the character/s carefully and then type correct characters.  How things have changed. 

I remember carbon paper, too…and not too fondly I might add.  Thanks for sharing, Lynn.

 

 

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.  I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending.

Q: When did humans first discover the benefits of marijuana?

A: During the Stoned Age.

Have you guys heard about these things!!!  Murder Hornets!!

A giant Asian hornet, 2 inches long with a giant stinger, called the “Murder Hornet” has been spotted in Washington state.  Okay, who the hell started playing Jumangi!!!  Come on!  This things are nasty!  They have killed off entire hives of honey bees and have even been known to kill humans!

I guess they are a real problem in Asia where they kill a couple of dozen people a year.  Here’s how they compare in size to other flying insects…

Now, I saw some bumble bees this week end that looked like the size of flying ping pong balls (lower right hand corner) so I can’t imagine this ugly fucker being that much larger than one of those things.  And this is one ugly son-of-a-bitch!  Take a look at this thing close up!

Yes, those are mandibles on the front that he uses to tear the heads off of honey bees!  I’m a friggin’ dragon and this thing scares hell out of me!

The hornet can sting through most beekeeper suits, deliver nearly seven times the amount of venom as a honey bee, and sting multiple times. 

This is a real problem.  Let’s hope they can eradicate it before it gets a foothold here.

Okay, I’m sorry….#7 made me laugh until I cried.  Does that make me bad?  I think it does, but it doesn’t matter.  I still did!

Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

You can’t tell me anything about déjà vu —- I’ve seen it all before.

Personally, I think it’s awesome!  They’d have gotten a prize from me.  Like an empty ice cream cone or something.

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis.

Okay, let’s go back to being a little political again.  This one was also sent in by Lynn and it’s very telling who it’s written by…

5/4/2020

Pelosi’s Coronavirus Power Grab

By Bradley Byrne

For nearly two months, my staff and I have been fielding calls from the people of southwest Alabama—small-business owners, bankers, seniors and many others. The government’s response to coronavirus is affecting their livelihoods, and their congressman may be the only voice they have in Washington. But when the lights are turned off in the committee rooms and on the floor of the House, who’s watching out for them? Who’s holding Washington accountable? More important than the flawed message Congress’s absence sends to the American people—that their representatives value personal protection over their constituents’ interests— is the reality. When nobody is around, it is easier to make backroom deals, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is taking advantage. She has consolidated the power of the institution in her person. Without lawmakers there to speak up for their districts and influence the legislative process, Mrs. Pelosi has made herself the sole voice and negotiator for the House, as it passes massive funding and regulatory bills.

As Congress sits at home, we don’t hear about legislative compromises and breakthroughs between a chairman and ranking member. Instead what matters is when and how often Mrs. Pelosi has been on the phone with White House officials.

Her mode of operating is crystal clear. Once the speaker feels she has gained maximum concessions from President Trump, she calls the House back to Washington to be quickly and quietly herded into the chamber to cast an up-or-down vote—bypassing committees, markups and every process that gives most lawmakers a voice. We’re told no amendments are possible and we shouldn’t even get close to the floor of the House until it is our turn to vote. We have added trillions to the nation’s debt and affected millions of American lives in this ridiculous sham of a process.

The coronavirus has given Mrs. Pelosi the greatest control over the House of Representatives of any speaker in U.S. history. Fear of the virus has given her an excuse to send 434 of us home and essentially say, “See you when I need you.” Before Republicans objected two weeks ago, she even sought an amendment to House rules to allow for proxy voting. Under this plan, representatives wouldn’t even need to return to Washington to vote and pass legislation. They could simply hand over their voting cards to Mrs. Pelosi or one of her lieutenants.

I am not saying the House should throw caution to the winds. Common-sense steps could help with social distancing and prevent the spread of Covid-19 in Congress. But the Founders couldn’t possibly have wanted a government in which the speaker replaces the House she is supposed to lead.

Maybe we should have expected this. Mrs. Pelosi has always enjoyed holding power. When ObamaCare passed the House, she made a good show of asking committees to mark up bills. But none of those bills ever reached the floor. Instead, they were tossed aside and the real bill was rewritten behind closed doors by the speaker’s office. Mrs. Pelosi then blocked all but one Republican amendment before jamming that bill through.

After eight years in the minority, Mrs. Pelosi returned as speaker in January 2019. House Democratic arms were twisted to vote her back into the chair, with promises that things would be different, that her highhanded manner was a thing of the past. But given power again, it only got worse.

While the Senate works in Washington this week, the House will again be told to stay home and wait on the speaker to let us know when she has cut the next deal. Mrs. Pelosi has made clear that she thinks America’s elected representatives are nonessential. That’s fine with her. No doubt her job is easier when she doesn’t need to worry about us—and our constituents.

Enough is enough. It is time for the people’s representatives to have a voice in their federal government.

Mr. Byrne, a Republican, represents Alabama’s First Congressional District

 

As I’ve said, many, many times before….she needs t00000000o go!

 

 

I accidently gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick.  She still isn’t talking to me.

I want it written in my will that upon my death, I’m dressed in a superman outfit and thrown from a plane.

If you want to save money this year, tell your kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic. 

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

 An elderly couple was at home watching TV.

 

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

 

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said:

“For god’s sake Phil, Leave it on the porn channel.

 

You know how to fish!”

 

 

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.  Her boyfriend would have done it, but he’s out of town.

Nope, not helping the kids with this one,either.

We have a six phase plan to reopen the state.  The plan will be a phased plan that we will plan to utilize in phases.  The phases will be planned and the planning will be phased.  We will move quickly and slowly to open but remain closed.  I have created a staff of staffers who will plan the phase and planning while phasing their phases.

And that is our reopening plan.

Thank you.

And that, is how the government works.

Everyone is freaking out about the National Guard in their towns.  Relax Karen, it’s not Seal Team 6, that’s Kevin, the bartender from Applebees drinking a White Claw and driving a Humvee at 9 a.m. They aren’t coming for your 86 rolls of toilet paper.

After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face I’m gonna be pissed!

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

Kids already eating the emergency groceries…

…We ain’t gonna make it!!!

Okay, be honest…how many of you are already at level 3 or even level 4?

Because of the huge demand and increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces and are now Fed-UP.

The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

For many years, China has denied the Tiananmen Square Protests of 1989 ever happened.  Following increased pressure to come clean, they Chinese government has finally released the following official photo of the event:

And yet another, of the many reasons, why we cannot ever trust the Chinese government.  Thanks to Aussie Peter for uncovering this photo.

You’re not being oppressed, you’re being inconvenienced.  Learn the difference.

 

Waiting on my Murder Hornet Stimulus Check.

I need to get me some of this.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something completely different than I assumed.

Remember: Mother’s Day is this weekend.

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier…

“Got any two watt bulbs?”

“For what?

“That’ll do, I’ll take two.”

“Two what?”

“I thought you didn’t have any.”

“Any what?”

“Okay then!”

I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Cincinnati, Ohio where Bozo James Skinner held up a branch of the Kenwood Savings Bank. He flashed a gun at the teller and demanded cash. She gave him what she had and he turned to leave, but suddenly the Bozo walked back up to the teller. He asked the teller, “I’m not from around here, could you tell me how to get to Interstate 71?” She gave him instructions and then watched as he left in his car, taking note of his license plate number in the process. She then called the police, who were waiting for the Bozo when he found his way to the interstate.

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Tuesday…and Tuesday means meetings.  Meetings on base.  But, since I’m a time traveler and today is actually Monday, it won’t really affect you until Wednesday when you get the time bounce the day after…wow…all this time shifting is giving me a headache. 

And speaking of Wednesday, you may or may not get a Dragon Laffs issue on Wednesday because I may be at work all day on Tuesday…which is today for you and tomorrow for me…and, oh my aching head.  Geez, I haven’t had enough coffee for this to be going on yet.  At any rate, that’s the scoop … or the cup … or whatever the heck it is this early in the morning. 

It’s Monday for me and I had a good weekend.  We didn’t end up doing much this weekend.  Barbequed out a couple of times.  Grilled some brats and some burgers, mowed the lawn, defrosted the freezer, sat out on the back deck with a big glass of Jameson, a cigar and a good book, that was a nice evening.  The weather cooperated beautifully.  It even was polite enough to wait until after midnight to rain and then quit by sunrise.  Didn’t get too hot, but it was warm enough to enjoy the out doors.  ALMOST decided to turn on the air conditioner, but decided to open the windows in the house and turn on the fans and that was just about perfect.

Anyway, enough about me and my nice weekend.  Why don’t we get to why you guys are really here, shall we?

 

So, camping may or may not be a big thing with you guys, especially right now, but here’s some funny tips sent in by Stephanie…

Warm weather brings out the urge to go camping. Here are a few tips to make your trip successful. Author is unknown. .”CAMPING TIPS”

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.  I would think that a trombone or a set of drums work equally as well.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.  Yuck.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.  Double Yuck.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.

Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.  And with today’s COVID environment, is likely to get you looked at funny by your fellow campers.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.  Good advice.  Having a dragon with you when camping also makes a good fire starter.

You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. 

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.  Also works for your backpack

Do you remember the movie?

I found this next VERY interesting…

Linda Gibson

April 24 at 5:17 PM ·

So as a Respiratory Therapist….I watched the clip about the “disinfectant that Trump talking about”. People need to listen closely….and before I say this, I will tell you that I am not registered to vote and I don’t vote. I am neutral.

 

He is basically brain storming for an idea to help the lungs. He stated that the disinfectant kills the virus in one minute, so he proposed the question can we inject disinfectant (not Lysol), he used the word “disinfectant” …in the lungs, but that is for the doctors to figure out.

 

Now a lay person like Trump will say disinfectant and a medical person would say “medicine”. Medicine dumped into the lungs happens all the time!

 

I personally have dumped respiratory medicine down an Endotracheal tube directly into the lungs. When babies are born prematurely, guess what? Yes we “inject” the lungs with a medicine called surfactant that helps keep the alveoli open to oxygenate the lungs.

 

Antibiotics are sometimes injected into infected parts of lungs through a chest tube.

 

So what I want the general public to know, is that we do “inject” medicine into peoples lungs, that yes, act like a disinfectant (antibiotics), so why is everyone in uproar over this?

 

If you are a lay person and don’t understand what he said then ask a medical person. His statement was so twisted around and misinterpreted, and this is coming from a Respiratory Therapist that has injected medicine in peoples lungs.

 

Lysol brand has perpetrated misinformation and panicked the general public who doesn’t know anything about lungs. And Trump never used the word “Lysol”. So why did Lysol brand think he was talking about them, that’s narcissistic on their part. Why would Lysol brand embrace that? they look ignorant.

 

So people, yes we do inject medicine into the lungs! This is why people need to know the facts and stop panicking people.

 

Thank you Linda Gibson, whoever you are.  She didn’t send this to me herself, it was forwarded to me by a fellow camper, Lynn.  So, thanks Lynn for sharing this with us.  What Linda is saying makes a lot of sense and is a good admonition for all of us (are you listening MSM?) to stop trying to find problems … or create problems…where there aren’t any.

 

 

Me in Heaven

God: You’re about to get your wings.

Me: Garlic, Parmesan, or Honey BBQ?

God: Get out.

I want to put a little bit (just a little bit) of special emphasis of this next one and not just because this is what I do for a living, teaching these guys how to wear this gear and wearing it myself, but to put things in a tiny bit of perspective…

And the masks that those guys are wearing aren’t even the new masks.  Those aren’t even the next oldest.  Those are the masks that I wore back twenty years ago when I was active duty.  They aren’t near as comfortable as the ones that we have now!  Here’s what the new gear looks like:

The mask is more comfortable (by a thousand percent!!!) the suit is lighter, doesn’t have the rubber hood and … well … lots of other things.  And you complain because you have to wear a mask when you go to the grocery store?  So, on a really bad day, what?  Two hours?  My personal record for staying in MOPP 4 without coming out to eat, go to the restroom, smoke, … you CAN drink out of the canteen… is 13 hours and 15 minutes.  My guys a couple of months ago, went out and played Frisbee dressed liked that, and then went and did a couple of exercises BEFORE climbing out of their gear.  We do it because our lives may depend on it.  We want to be very, very comfortable in this gear.  So, tell me again how hard it is to breath in that cloth mask.  Oh… and for the record, when I set my own personal best, I was not a young man, fresh out of basic training or anything like that.  I was a civilian CBRN Instructor and I was 55 years old.

Okay, I’m done.

I think he’s lucky he got the front half.

Louisiana now has a new parish.  It’s called Bayou Self.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Kennesaw, Georgia where Bozo Robert Carter stole the cellular phone out of Jennifer Brown’s car. When Jennifer went to a pay phone to call her husband Bob to tell him of the theft, her husband told her that he was talking to the Bozo phone thief at that very moment on the other line. It seems the Bozo had just started hitting buttons on the phone and hit one of the speed dial buttons for Jennifer’s home. The Bozo told Bob he was holding the phone hostage and if he ever wanted to see his phone again, he should bring $80 dollars to a nearby park. Bob went to the park with the money and with the police. They found the Bozo right where he said he would be, sitting on a park bench and playing with the phone.

Good Morning Campers,

Forty Days!  God made it rain for forty days before he allowed the sun to shine.  Moses spent three consecutive periods of forty days and forty nights on Mount Sinai, Jesus fasted for forty days and forty nights, Minus 40 degrees is the only temperature that is the same in both Fahrenheit and Celsius, When the bubonic plague gripped Europe during the Middle Ages, ships would be isolated in harbor for 40 days before passengers could go ashore.  The Italian word for 40 is quaranta- hence quarantine.  Want some more forties?

A typical pregnancy is not really 9 months, it’s actually 40 weeks.  There were 40 thieves that Ali Baba fought in Arabian Nights.  It took chemists 40 attempts to develop that magical spray we know as …wait for it…WD-40.  Do you know it’s full name?  Water Displacement, 40th formula.  AND…the standard American work week is 40 hours.  Although, I personally don’t know ANYONE who actually only works 40 hours a week, but there you go, everything you always wanted to know about 40, but were afraid to ask.

All that is to say is that I’ve been at this telework thing now for forty days.  Forty days of working from home.  Forty days of providing you guys with with an almost daily dragon laffs.  I really didn’t see this going on this long.  And the way it looks right now, although people are talking about getting us back to work, I don’t know when that’s going to be.  I could be wrong.  I could go in to my meeting tomorrow and the boss could say that he wants us all back in the office on Wednesday…I don’t really see that happening, but … who knows.

So, I guess the key here is to enjoy it while it lasts.  I, of course, am actually writing this to you on Sunday, because I am a time traveler.  My words reach you in the future.  I am predicting what is going to happen tomorrow and how you are going to react to them when you read them.  So…enjoy the laughs and the fun and try to get by as best as you can.

And another democrat is about to be created in 3, 2, 1

This is a really good essay sent to me by dear Stephanie… well worth the read…give us a greater understanding of our grandparents

This brings a good perspective to today.

 

For a small amount of perspective at this moment, imagine you were born in 1900.

 

When you are 14, World War I starts, and ends on your 18th birthday with 22 million people killed. Later in the year, a Spanish Flu epidemic hits the planet and runs until you are 20. Fifty million people die from it in those two years. Yes, 50 million.

 

When you’re 29, the Great Depression begins. Unemployment hits 25%, global GDP drops 27%. That runs until you are 33. The country nearly collapses along with the world economy.

 

When you turn 39, World War II starts. You aren’t even over the hill yet. When you’re 41, the United States is fully pulled into WWII. Between your 39th and 45th birthday, 75 million people perish in the war and the Holocaust kills six million.

 

At 50, the Korean War starts and five million perish.

 

At 55 the Vietnam War begins, and it doesn’t end for 20 years. Four million people die in that conflict.

 

Approaching your 62nd birthday you have the Cuban Missile Crisis, a tipping point in the Cold War. Life on our planet, as we know it, could well have ended. Great leaders prevented that from happening.

 

As you turn 75, the Vietnam War finally ends.

 

Think of everyone on the planet born in 1900. How do you survive all of that? A kid in 1985 didn’t think their 85 year old grandparent understood how hard school was. Yet those grandparents (and now great grandparents) survived through everything listed above. Perspective is an amazing art. Let’s try and keep things in perspective. Let’s be smart, help each other out, and we will get through all of this.”

 

Be kind.

Watch your words.

 

My father was born in 1935 and my grandfather was born in ** and it is amazing to me the things that both of those men lived through.  We think we have it so hard.  Perspective is an amazing art.  To be able to see through other’s eyes is an ability that few ever achieve, but it has been said before that those who do not learn history are destined to repeat it and perhaps, it is also true, that those who do not study history cannot appreciate the history they are making today.

 

 

My Pal tells me he always cries after having sex.  I told him it was his own fault for getting sent to prison in the first place.

If two cheaters with the CLAP have sex…is that considered a round of applause?!

Is another name for a police uniform a …

Law Suit?

How do you get a fat girl in bed?

Piece of cake.

You gotta love an ezine with math humor!

The Dr says, “man….you gotta quit masturbating!”

“Why?” says the patient.

The Dr. says,“so I can examine you!”

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d go up to a bank teller with a mask on asking for money.

A woman goes into a cafe and orders a hamburger. The waiter is a big hairy Neanderthal that hasn’t shaved, or showered, anytime recently. “BURGER!” he hollers. In the kitchen, an even hairier, more disgusting man is the cook. He takes a handful of ground beef, sticks it under his armpit, pumps it twice to flatten it, and on the grill it goes. “THAT,” she says, “has gotta be one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen!!!!” “”The waiter says, “that’s fuck all. You should be here in the morning when he is making donuts!”

I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favourite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn’t sure where that was, but was told I wouldn’t have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was…
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

Got up this morning and ran around the block five times.  Then I got tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.

Just got a comment from Leah, let’s see what she has to say:

Leah D

Am I crazy or what? I heard the jets from Hillfield, before I saw them. The sound is so exhilarating! it grew louder and louder and as it roared over my head, my whole body experienced the rumble reverberating through it! So gloriously satisfying. . . . . I swear I’ll never see my husband in the same way again.

Is that because your husband was a pilot?  Geez, I hope that was the reason, cause any other reason just doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Yeah, working on those big beasts was a lot of fun.  I actually got an incentive ride in a T-38 once and we got to play dog fight out in the New Mexico desert.  There were five jets up with five non-pilots along for the ride.  The deal was that whichever pilot didn’t make his rider puke had to buy the beers, (it was a different Air Force back then, lots more fun) so needless to say, it was a WILD ride.  Everybody puked but me.  I’ve always had a cast-iron stomach.  Still love roller coasters to this day.  He gave me everything that little jet would do and I wanted more.  I’d chalk that one up to one of the best days of my life.

And so I have received another comment from Leah, and this one has got me in tears…you guys have got to stop doing this to me.

Leah D

I used to send out jokes, ‘toons, whatever, in an issue I called Odds ‘n Ends.
I’m guessing 80 – 90% was stolen from Dragon Laffs.
My brother teaches at the college. He often used material from those emails in his lessons, which went out over the internet to students around the globe, some of which were our soldiers.
He forwarded my emails to many people. One of which was a radio personality, who used the material every morning to entertain his audience. He suffered major withdrawal when I stopped sending Odds ‘n Ends out.
So you indeed, have touched the world!
I salute you, for it became too had for me to do anymore, and I quit. I have stood in awe of you, for all that you have had to deal with, and yet you still persevere!

Thank you Leah, you do an old dragon proud.  What I do and what I deal with is minor in comparison to what others do and deal with.  I try to do my very small part.  If I can put a smile on someone’s face or make them think about something in a new or different light, then I feel like I have accomplished something for the day.  If I can teach a GI how to stay alive in a crappy environment and they can come home safe and sound to their family and loved ones, then I feel like I’ve accomplished something.  If I can give my supervision information or direction that helps them make decisions that helps them support the mission, that our base supports, then maybe, in some small way, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.  What I do is very, very minor.  I no longer run to the sound of gun fire, or sirens.  I am not the calm voice on the other end of the radio for the men and women in harms way, as I used to be.  I might try to do it again when I retire…maybe.  It was, probably the most satisfying job I ever had.  But, all of that led me to where I am now.  And I am very pleased to have touched the lives that I have touched and extraordinarily blessed to continue to do so for as long as God will let me.

Thank you for your letter.

Public Service Announcement: If you or a loved one died from injecting disinfectant, call the law office of Ura, Moron, & D’Zervit.

If breweries can produce sanitizer, why can’t newspapers produce toilet paper?  Half of what they print is crap anyway.

There is probably more truth in that statement than not.

When Algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

So, there’s a row of workers, each making a hole in a piece of paper and passing it on.

[…]

That’s it.  That’s the punch line.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

This drinking at home instead of the bar is not working out.

Last night I almost asked the wife for her phone number.

Math humor and science humor…we’re moving up in the world!

It’s a good thing our bodies age slowly.  It’s so much easier to be horrified just a little bit each day.

There’s nothing scarier than the split second where you lose your balance in the shower and think “oh god, they’re going to find me naked.”

As for me and my house, we will stay where we at.

          –1st Isolations 24:7

It’s really sad that people have to be told not to consume disinfectants.  By the way, don’t stick a cactus up your ass, either.

Yesterday I saw an ad that said, “Radio for sale, $1, Volume stuck on full”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down”

And that’s it for today’s issue.  I hope you all got a good laugh.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Yeah, not sure where the whole Harry Potter stuff has come from lately.  Great series of books.  Okay series of movies.  I guess I just liked the font and the logo.  Anyway, wonderful weekend…well, so far.  Right now it’s still early on Saturday morning.  I’m the only one up in the house.  I’ve already been out to the base to pick up something and the person I was supposed to meet wasn’t there.  So, I left a message and came back home, and, wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I got back in the house, the person called and told me they were there and had been there the whole time and had no idea why they didn’t hear the phone ring when I called.  They’re going to be there the whole weekend, so I’ll probably pop out some other time.  It’s only 15 minutes from here, after all.

So, some of the states are opening up today and the rest of the week.  Some in steps different then others.  Today is also the day where there are supposed to be marches on capitals…ought to be an interesting day and weekend.  Here at the Dragon household we hope to keep things simple and easy.  Going to fire up the grill and do up some burgers, dogs, pork chops, chicken breasts, or anything else I can find that will grill.  It’s going to be a fat-making weekend.  I’m excited to get started.  I hope you all have as much fun as I’m going to have.

And with that, I think it’s time we got to why you are all here…the laughter and the break for the bullshit.

I’ve just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.  How can you go out in public that way?  And call yourself a human being?

 

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion!

They say he will be given a tough sentence!

I know, I know…the younger crowd doesn’t get it….sorry guys.  Listen to some good music.  Ask your parents.  Or your grandparents.

Grandpa complained that his new trousers fitted him like a cheap castle.

There was no Ballroom.

Slut jokes are just whoreable.

Did you know that they won’t be making yard sticks any longer?

Joined a Nudist Colony.
The first day was the hardest.

I need to social distance myself from the refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

March did NOT come in like a Lion.

It came in like a T-Rex…
with PMS…
And hemorrhoids…
Wearing Barbed Wire Undies

 

So since the government is busy should we try raiding Area 51 again?

 

“The itsy-bitsy paycheck just post to my account.

Down came the bills and wiped the money out.”

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette’s boyfriend buying flowers.  She sighs and says, “Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.  Now, I’ll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

 

This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said on the inside or outside, so he walks out the front door, comes back in and says both.  Moments like this got me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.

“So, are you seeing anyone?”

“You mean…like a therapist or hallucinations?”

Let’s do some mail, shall we?

Marsha M

Do you remember the older song …knock 3 times if you want me? Twice on the pipe if you ain’t going to show? Well I work with alot of younger folks that have heard it wrong…Cough 3 times on the boss if you want off, twice on his desk if he won’t let you go. Don’t want to be an E worker anymore….just want the money…Funny how it’s all connected. Maybe I should change my political party…They B Home…with ice cream….. thanks I enjoy these they get me through my day…

Marsha, I do remember that song….cause I’m that old.  And now it will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.  LOL.  Yeah, I’m a teleworker and it ain’t working out the way everyone seems to think.  What it ends up being is me being on call 24/7.  BUT (and it’s a big but [are you saying I have a big butt?!-oh shut up! – Damn voices are speaking up again]) I do get to play with you guys every day instead of just once a week.  So, that’s a big plus.  I am glad that you enjoy my simple offerings.  Thanks for the very kind words, Marsha.

Leah D

Hillfield pilots flew their F 35’s over the entire State of Utah, to honor First Responders and all Health Workers on Thursday!
Finally, there was a reason to step out of the house.
My friends did not get their stimulus check. His brother is super rich, just recently moved back to Utah from New York where he headed a powerful group. He told them to “Contact their Representative.” Say what!?
I am going to the government website to check on it for them.
And while I’m at it, I will order them the free masks Utah is giving everyone.

In case you didn’t know, what Leah is talking about was an F-35 demonstration flying team consisting of four of the new Lightning II jets from Hill Air Force Base flew over the state of Utah on Thursday celebrating health care workers and residents.  Here’s a good article from KSL.com https://www.ksl.com/article/46747297/f-35-team-from-hill-afb-salutes-utah-health-care-workers-residents-with-flyover and here’s a picture:

The F-35 is a cool jet.  One, of course, I never got to work on.  After my time.  But, I have seen it up close and personal.  Way cool.  As far as the rest goes, Leah.  I’m sorry about your friends stimulus checks…did they file taxes this year?  Did they make too much money this year?  There’s lots of reasons.  I hope it works out.  It’s awfully nice of you to help them out.

Doesn’t look comfy, it looks fucking rude and self centered.  I’d say that I hope she was having a heart attack or a medical emergency, but I don’t think so, because I don’t think someone would have just taken the picture and she doesn’t look in distress.  Just fucking rude.

Day 12 without chocolate: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Your scent alone is enough to get me excited.  Having something hot and creamy in my mouth, trickling down my throat…Mmm.
Coffee, I love you.

Okay, that was probably the wrong one to put after that last cartoon.

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.  Sabrina took me to the hospital.  After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, left arm broken, multiple facial injuries.  And they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

“You’re too old to ride that skateboard!”

Me: “Hold my Ensure.”

They say that “Flexibility is the key to Air Power” but it also seems to be the key to several of our Motivational Posters today…and bacon bras…so, what’s not to like!

Oh, and Footballs…don’t forget the Footballs…

I know a lot of people who need to read this book.

That’s not how you get a dragon.  I promise.  That’s not the way.

REMEMBER: WHILE YOU ARE HAVING STRUGGLES WITH STAYING AT HOME – SOME PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD ONE.

Just a thought:  What about carrying a box of plastic sandwich bags in your car.  Put one of those over your hand when you’re pumping gas and punching in your PIN code.  And then toss it in the garbage.  Save the latex gloves for the first responders.

Shout out to all the parents who never taught their kids respect and now they are stuck at home the little shits.

Okay, so city folk want to come out to the country and rob houses of groceries.  You all know that country folks will dress in camouflage from head to toe, climb 30 feet up a tree, and sit silently all day, year after year on the coldest days just to kill something, right?

My 4 year-old came downstairs and asked me what his stuffed bunny did for a living.  Over the next few minutes I guessed farmer, fireman, astronaut, and racecar driver until my son deadpanned, “he doesn’t have a job because he’s not real,” while glaring at me like I’m an idiot.

Today a man knocked on the door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

This next one made me laugh until I cried!

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

BEST MASK YET!!

Okay, I have to share this with you guys.  I got the bestest of emails from Wayne in Drayton Valley Alberta, Canada.  It made my whole WEEK!!!  Here it is.  I’ll remove Wayne’s last name, but I imagine everyone at ACR will know who he is, since I’m leaving the logo and stuff in…

I’ve been working at our shop full time while this insanity is going on. Your jokes and cartoons get posted into a binder at the waiting counter on a regular basis. I swear we have customers coming into the rental shop just to see what gets put into the binder, ( and free coffee!! )

Keep up the great work!

 

Wayne L

Inside Sales Representative / Purchasing

Drayton Valley Alberta, Canada

 

Okay, so that’s got to be one of the greatest compliment I’ve received.  Thanks for that Wayne…and to all the customers at ACR…cheers to you folks!

I need to come up with some signed pictures of me or something… lol.  “Suitable for framing” or wrapping fish.  You too can have your, highly valued copy for just $19.95, plus a small, shipping and handling fee. 

Yeah, right!

But it is cool to think that you guys are printing some of my stuff out…actually, you are printing out other peoples stuff, all I do is collect it together, and repost it in one spot and add a little of my own sarcasm to the pot, stir and serve, so I can’t even say that it’s my stuff, but it sure is nice to hear that you like what I do.  Thanks Wayne!  It is nice to see that my efforts are appreciated.

Oh, and by the way…. I really did like the videos you sent.  Thanks, they made me smile.  I just wish I had a way to share them with these guys.

 

 

Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled “Last Call!”

 

Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say, probably not…

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

For a small price, I can do that without the LSD.

I’m going to end today’s issue on this next note…and I want you all to take it to heart…

Go out and have fun.  Laugh and enjoy yourselves.  Even from the comfort of your own living room or your own backyard.

Love and laughter to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So, did you miss me? 

Yeah, it was a crazy day for me yesterday, but I’m back now.  At least for a little while.  So, lots of excitement up in Michigan where people marched on the state building and demanded their freedom.  I didn’t know you were allowed to carry firearms inside the capital building in Michigan so long as you carried them openly and you had no ill intent.  I think that’s what I read.  How can they tell what your intent is by the way you carry them?  I guess if you start shooting people, you have ill intent and if you don’t you have good intent.  Works for me.  The Supreme Court up there overturned the Governor’s crazy orders for forcing the people to stay at home.   There’s smart ways of doing things and then there’s draconian ways of doing things.

How many of you got a chance to watch that video I posted the other day?  Those doctors made an awful lot of sense, didn’t they?  Why are we quarantining healthy people?  Now, I’m in that danger zone, I’m over 60 at a whooping 61, but I’m healthy as a horse.  A fat, diabetic, horse with a little bit of high blood pressure that is nicely controlled with medication, I smoke too many cigars, and have too much arthritic pain, but still a friggin’ horse, OKAY!!!  (Sorry, got a little carried away there.)  Anyway, what I’m saying is, I’m not overly concerned with myself, but Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon both have compromised immune systems, so the longer I can telework and keep the nasty shit away from them, the better I feel about all of this. 

But even at that, I have taken them both out shopping and stuff.  We wear face coverings to protect ourselves.  And after three months of data, we find out that this thing really isn’t any more dangerous than the flu, and I looked up the numbers, we really do loose more people than this to flu every couple of years.  And if they really are over inflating the numbers, i.e. everyone who dies, dies of COVID because the hospitals and states get more money that way and because it perpetuates the madness that way, then are we terribly over reacting at this point?  Or have we reacted appropriately UP TO this point and now that we KNOW the facts, is it time to unwind and put things in perspective?

I don’t know. 

But, I do know that there is still one party who is trying to use this, and anything else they can use to gain control and it makes me sick to my stomach every time I see it.  They are even using they’re own democratic candidate.  Does anybody actually believe that Biden will be anything other than a puppet for Pelosi and her gang of thieves and monsters?  If he even lives long enough to make it through the first year of his presidency…if he were to be elected?

Okay, I’m sorry.  I’m not usually so political.  Especially so early in the morning.  I don’t think Trump is such a great prize either…just so you know.  But, I do know that he is a hell of a lot better than the other side. 

But, seriously, these guys are the best this country has to offer?  This is the best?  This is the United States saying to the rest of the world, HERE! *Drum roll and Flourish* (whatever the hell a Flourish is) HERE IS THE BEST OF THE UNITED STATES WE OFFER UP TO REPRESENT US!!!!!

Oh hell no!

If I was an artist and this was a canvas, I’d scrape off the whole thing and start over again.

But we have to deal with what we have…. and I said I would stop.  It must be the caffeine low level light…it was flashing amber in the corner of my eye when I started, now it’s flashing red and there’s a sweet little female voice I can hear in my ear saying, “warning, caffeine levels are at dangerously low level.  warning, caffeine levels are at a dangerously low level.” over and over again.  If I could find out where the circuit breaker is on that warning button I’d pull it to shut her up because she’s getting annoying and about twenty minutes ago when she started up, the dogs went and hid in the bedroom.  So, before I jump into more stuff that pisses me off…dammit, she’s added a klaxon…I’m going to go get more coffee.  Yes, I said MORE coffee, because I’ve already had some coffee, but it obviously hasn’t been ENOUGH coffee or I wouldn’t be getting all the damn warnings (WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE SHUT THAT STUFF OFF!!!!!) and you guys start in on the funny stuff.

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the funnies thing to start with…let’s try this again.  Something funny this time.

Well, I don’t know if it’s funny or not, but I GOTS TA GET ME ONE of those cups!!!!  I like that one!  LOL!  And that, my fellow campers, is called TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!

Okay, one more try to get something funny out there…

Okay, not bad….  I’ll give it a B+ …. now … Onward, Ho!

(who you calling a Ho, bitch!)

It’s going to be one of those days…the voices in my head are talking back!

Another good one.  Looks like there might be a website out there somewhere.  With my luck they’re probably made in China.

No one should be allowed to drive again until there are no fatal accidents for 14 consecutive days.  Then we can slowly begin to phase in certain classes of people who can begin driving again, but at only half the posted speed limit.

Oh, I see what you did there…that’s called sarcasm.  And it’s not bad.

Awww, she’s smiling in her sleep again.  I wonder how she killed me this time.

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”  He replied, D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”  The Officer looked at him suspiciously and said, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The guy replied, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole.”

Me: It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

If you ever fall over in public, pick yourself up and say, “sorry, it’s been a while since I inhabited a body.” and just walk away.

Okay, that may be true…but I’m pretty sure, when I was a kid … I tried that one at home…just sayin’

Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying at home in his jammies…I’m not having the same results.

Why is it called “Boob Sweat” and not “Humidititties”?

Oh, well they promise.  Haven’t they had long enough!

Some kids are starting to notice they haven’t seen their “UNCLE” since their DAD has been home.

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.  Follow me for more quarantine life pro tips.

My goal in life is to piss off at least on person a day.

So far I’m about 4 years ahead of schedule.

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband:  You were never really skinny!

Time of Death:  4/25/2020 11:23 p.m.

Cause of Death:  Corona Virus

You know…I was sitting here thinking, no that’s not true…then I remembered and went … oh yeah.

This next one is an oldie, but goodie.  I’ve seen it a couple of different ways, but here’s the Cajun version…

An old Cajun man, Boudreaux, who had been a retired crawfish farmer for a long time,  became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic in Mamou. He put a sign up outside that said:

“Boudreaux’s Medical Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

 

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old Cajun geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Boudreaux’s clinic.

 

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — Mr. Boudreaux, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??

Boudreaux:  —  “Nurse, please bring duh medicine from dat box 22 and put tree drops in Dr. Young’s mout.”

Dr. Young: — “Aaagh !! — This is Gasoline!”

Boudreaux: “Congratulations! Mais you don got you taste back you. Dat will be $500.”

 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Boudreaux: “Nurse, please bring duh medicine from dat box 22 and put tree drops in duh patient’s mout.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t,  —  I’m not falling for that again! That’s Gasoline!”

Boudreaux: “Congratulations! You don got you memory back you. Dat will be $500.”

 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can hardly see !!!!

Boudreaux: “Well, Mais I don have any medicine for dat so —  “Here’s your tousand dollars back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500?”

Boudreaux: “Congratulations! Mais you don got you sight back you! Dat will be $500.”

 

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re a “Young doctor” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Cajun man!!!

 

I’m buying this T-Shirt for Mrs. Dragon.  She loves all those murdery shows

Day 45:  The garbage man stuck a pamphlet for AA on my recycling bin.  Judgmental prick, mind your own business.

I’ve never been so thankful to be low maintenance.  No nails, no lashes, no crazy hair upkeep, no tanning, no Botox.  I’ll just be the same hot mess coming out of all this as I was going in.

Have we tried giving 2020 a snickers?

Are we thinking it’s just hungry?

Let’s not tell some people when the quarantine is over.

I can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go.

Parents: Why don’t my kids listen to me?

God: LOL

I said to the salesman, I’d like a car for my wife.  He said, I’m sorry sir, we don’t do swaps.

Wow, a two-fer…

Okay, here’s one for the kids to ponder…

I thought I heard “Tubular Bells” wafting over the farm last night.  It was just my cold field.

And nope.  I’m not helping with this one

I was home for Christmas and my parents cooked a beef tenderloin.  I said, “Man, Budapest is going to love this.”  They asked who Budapest was.  I said, “I named my stomach Budapest because it’s the capital of HUNGRY” and that’s when they stopped calling me son.

When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT wan to hear, “I don’t know”.  YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most.

I have a feeling this is going to burn.

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!!

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil…

So many people these days are too judgmental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

 

Hey, can’t blame me for that last one, it’s from Aussie Pete.

 

 

Feels good to have your shit together.

Personally I wouldn’t know, but I bet it feels good.

Okay, wait…. I have a question.  How did the movie Ground Hog Day finally shift to the next day for Bill Murray?  Have we tried that yet?

Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same.

And that’s why life is hard.

Everyone keeps saying there is going to be a baby boom when this is all over…There may be a lot of Divorces and Justifiable Homicides, too.

I’ve eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps and it’s still today.  Are you kidding me!?

 

Okay, I want blame to be squarely placed where it needs to be for this next one!!!  This one is NOT mine!  It is truly and totally horrible!!!  In the interest of protecting her, I promised Stephanie I wouldn’t tell anyone who sent this in because I was afraid someone would have to hunt her down and smack her!!

Home schooling went well yesterday:  For science class we studied the effects of Nyquil on students…

And that, dear campers, is it for today.  I hope you enjoyed the extra-large issue.  I tried to make up for missing yesterday.  Until we meet up again.  Stay safe, stay warm.  Be helpful and happy.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon